IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

I FEEL SO STUPID -
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN -
I DIDN'T LISTEN TO MY INSTINCTS -
IT'S ALL MY FAULT

Just some of the things the victims of an internet predator say.....


One of our discussion group contributors and a victim themselves - recently wrote the below to a reader who was blaming herself and was chided for her obsession to get to the bottom of what her apparent cyberpath was.

It was so powerful we asked and got permission from this contributor to reprint her response here (edited for clarity). Everyone should read it and heed it.

There's no fault when dealing with a cyberpath. Remember "PREDATORS HUNT THE WOUNDED" - EOPC

THIS CONTRIBUTOR SAYS:
Let's get focused on him - the internet "friend" you say is NOT a cyberpath - because it was with HIM you interacted with and HE'S the cause for all the stress and suffering you are going through nowadays.

It's more than obvious (and I want you to take me seriously) this guy is not so wonderful as you think and say he is. An emotionally stable, honest man, who is looking for a serious relationship or even a friendship over the Internet, will not create a profile on a sex site (such as AdultFriendFinder or Eroticy to name a couple) and won't try to find possible real/ serious partners on a sex site!.

You had a profile there because as you said, your marriage wasn't good. I understand. When we are in emotional pain we can do stupid things. But believe me, even on a seemingly innocent site like PenPalWorld, or reunion sites like Classmates.com and the online dating sites, recovery sites, single parent sites, Facebook, you can find idiots, posers, players, etc. (the predator stories on EOPC will tell you just that!!)

The possibility of finding them on a sex site is higher (sex addicts, narcissists, sociopaths, users and abusers love the Internet and they place themselves on these sites just waiting for the next victim). A sex site can be the ideal place. They will find lots of people to communicate with, to chat occasionally, to have cybersex with and nothing more than that. Casual, no strings. The difference is that on a sex site, they don't need to lie as much as they do on a dating or e-friends site.

This type of man - the one you e-tripped upon - when they feel someone is starting to get emotionally attached to them, they will do everything to get rid of you or drive you crazy. Emails will go unanswered, generally with the excuse they are busy, sick or whatever their imagination can make up. Or they answer emails with short lines like "I don't know what to say/ tell you" or "Thanks" or "we will talk later."

They're either never online on Skype, etc. (they are - they just appear to be offline - blocking those they're not interested to chat with). Or they are there - putting on their AWAY or BUSY messages or just plain IGNORING you & PURPOSELY HURTING you by putting these messages up. (usually busy with other women!)

They make it all your fault!

They will even tell you they are busy working if you try to IM them anyway. These guys are emotional vampires and mental sadists.


When something like this happens, its clear, they are not really interested in any type of genuine communication. I know by experience (although on a different level) it's time to say "bye bye - have a nice life."

Unfortunately most of the times we can't. We have feelings - they don't. We would not do that to someone and can't understand why they are doing it to us. We blame ourselves for the situation and we wonder over and over, what have we done so wrong, to get such cold treatment. Actually, we did nothing wrong.

However, they've allowed us to put them on such a pedestal that we can't see the real truth. We think they' the best thing in the world, better than sliced bread.

We idealize them and they knowingly allow it without telling us the truth.

So, I know what you feel and empathize with you, but he is not 'a great guy' and it wasn't your fault.

You just didn't know the best way to deal with him. The best would've been ignoring him, but gradually he made himself an obsession to you, always in your mind, a fruit of your desire. Your need for emotional connection made him into something he wasn't and it's not your fault. He could have responded to you and said something but he didn't. He let you dangle there confused... (this is a SEDUCTION method used by cyberpaths remember?)

Keep Them in Suspense: What Comes Next The moment people feel they know what to expect from you, your spell on them is broken. More: you have ceded them power. The only way to lead the seduced along and keep the upper hand is to create suspense, a calculated surprise. People love a mystery, and this is the key to luring them farther into your web. Behave in a way that leaves them wondering, What are you up to?
(from LURES OF THE ONLINE PREDATOR))

You are a sensitive caring person who doesn't just use and drop people when you are done using them - even online. He is.

And here you go blaming yourself. "It was my fault", "I shouldn't have said this and that", "I shouldn't have done what I did", etc... Ok, you sent him some e-mails, even a love letter... All of us victims have done things like that. Maybe because on the chats he was sweet, he called you "Princess", but unfortunately it was just words he didn't mean.

See how he avoided giving you his address? He doesn't want any type of contact with ANYONE except for "discreet sex encounters."

That's not the actions of a nice guy.
This isn't a normal person.
Keep that all in mind.

The e-mail he sent you was 100% bullsh*t. I'd bet money he wasn't going to 'get married.' I also doubt he was 'in love with' someone. Guys who are really "in love" don't go on sex sites looking for a little fun.

He said that to get you out of the way and then to scare you he mentioned he would call the police if he heard from you again. This isn't the behavior of a nice guy. (typical predator move - now the victim is a "stalker" because they want & deserve answers! )

He probably has many friends from the sex site he exchanges e-mails with, many others to chat with, many to have cybersex with -- both he and they: without any emotional attachment. That makes him "busy" and obviously he is not on a sex site for genuine romance.

I'd also bet he was busy with other women online (you know what I mean).

Understand this situation isn't the way you have pictured it in your head: that others are good and you're a bad person for letting it get this far. This isn't true. Don't beat yourself up this way.

A good and nice guy would have interacted with you differently. The e-mail would have been different. He'd have been straight and honest with you. He'd have told you he wants no emotional involvement and just wanted sex. Problem is this guy most probably uses and abuses women. It's obvious. He thinks women are objects.

Notice how that female friend of his told you if you had met him in person, you could see how flawed he was "in heart, mind and body". She gave you the accurate picture.

He is not a nice guy, much less principled. He is another jerk on a sex site! There are thousands like him.
Although you don't think so, it's a good thing you didn't remain friends with him. He would have caused even more damage to you. At any moment he would have revealed his true personality and you'd see the idiot he is -- then you would have been reeling.

I know, I have been there. Study his motives and see how he is an idiot with a oversize ego who thinks women are good for only one thing: Sex.

Sorry but he is a jerk, not you!
Stop blaming yourself!

The Four Psychological Stages Of Those Abused by Cyberpaths

Stage One ~ DENIAL
The victim refuses to admit even to herself, that she has been 'had' or that there is a problem in her online relationship/friendship. She may call each incident an accident. She offers excuses & rationalizations and each time she is played or insulted firmly believes it will never happen again.

Stage Two ~ GUILT
Victim now acknowledges there is a problem, but considers herself responsible for it. She deserves to be used and lied to, she feels because she has defects in her character and is not living up to her predators's expectations.

Stage Three ~ ENLIGHTENMENT
The woman no longer assumes responsibility for her cyberpaths's abusive treatment, recognizing that no one deserves to be treated badly, used, played or lied to. She is still committed to her online relationship though and stays with her cyberpath hoping they can work things out. During this period she often questions the predator and hopes for "straight answers" because things are starting to not jive or make sense.


Stage Four ~ RESPONSIBILITY
Accepting the fact that her cyberpath will not, or can not, stop his predatory & manipulative behavior, the victim decides she will no longer submit to it and starts a new life.

Often involves "telling" and no more secret keeping - by which she can achieve validation that she is not alone or stupid.

original article here

SURPRISE! Con Men Targeting Online Dating Sites

By Tamara Cohen and Lynn Davidson

(U.K.)  Dating and social networking websites are becoming a magnet for confidence tricksters preying on ‘lonely hearts’, a study reveals. It says as many as 200,000 people may have been persuaded last year to give money to fraudsters using false identities to pursue relationships with them.

But because of the shame victims feel, fewer than 600 cases were reported.

The researchers say ‘rom cons’ are particularly traumatic because of the ‘double hit’ of losing money and what victims had hoped was a romantic relationship. In some cases, victims have committed suicide.

The research at Leicester University – the first to measure the scale of this relatively new crime – found that in a YouGov poll of more than 2,000 British adults, one in every 50 knew a victim.

The fraudsters – usually tied to organised crime and based outside the UK – often use pictures of soldiers or models when making contact with their victims on dating or social networking websites. They then act swiftly to move the ‘relationship’ away from the monitored sites to personal online services such as private email accounts to carry out the fraud, claiming to be in dire financial straits or needing urgent funds that they promise to pay back. In some cases, when victims do not send cash, scammers involve them in money laundering by asking them to accept payments in their bank accounts.

The study’s author, Professor Monica Whitty, said: ‘Our data confirms law enforcement suspicions that this is an under-reported crime, and thus more serious than first thought.

‘This is a concern not solely because people are losing large sums of money to these criminals, but also because of the psychological impact experienced by victims. It may be the shame and upset experienced by the victims deters them from reporting the crime. We believe new methods of reporting the crime are needed.’

Action Fraud, the national fraud reporting and advice centre, identified 592 victims of the crime in 2010. Of these, 203 lost more than £5,000. But the losses can be as high as £240,000, according to the Serious Organised Crime Agency.

Colin Woodcock, senior manager for fraud prevention at the agency, noted that the research found 52 per cent of people had heard of online romance scams, showing ‘progress has been made in raising awareness’.

But he added: ‘Millions of people in the UK remain at risk.

‘By being aware of how to stay safe online, the public can ensure they don’t join those who have lost nearly every penny they had, been robbed of their self-respect and, in some cases, committed suicide after being exploited by these criminals. It is crucial that nobody sends money to someone they meet online, and haven’t got to know well and in person.’

original article found here

EOPC HAS KNOWN THIS AND BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS!

Woman Posts her Stalker's Details to 'Defend Herself'

By Chris Parsons

Taking action: German high jumper Ariane Friedrich posted 

her stalker's personal details to 'defend herself'

A sleazy Internet stalker who sent explicit photos to a world high jump star got more than he bargained for - when she posted his personal details to her thousands of fans. German athletics star Ariane Friedrich - who also works as a police officer - named and shamed her online stalker after being emailed photos of a man's genitals.

The 28-year-old star, who will be gunning for high jump gold at the London olympics, posted the man's name, email address and home address on her Facebook page 'as a way of making clear that I am prepared to act'. Friedrich, a bronze medalist a the 2009 World Athletics Championships, said she posted the man's details to 'defend herself' from the many inappropriate emails she receives. In her role as a police officer, the German is also thought to be planning to bring charges against the man. In one post on her official Facebook page, Friedrich, from Frankfurt, told her fans: 'I’ve been offended in the past, sexually harassed and I’ve had a stalker before. 'It’s time to act; it’s time to defend myself. And that’s what I’m doing. No more and no less.'

She defiantly insisted in another post that just because she has a higher profile than others, she does not believe she should be the subject of those who want to 'attack, insult, or sexually harass'.

Friedrich's manager, Günter Eisinger, attempted to play down the incident amid concerns it could affect her preparations for London 2012.  Mr Eisinger told The Local on Saturday: 'The issue has nothing to do with the public. 'We can do without any stress factors.'

original article found here

The Cyberpath = Psychopath With Internet Access

Psychopaths With Internet Access



An Excerpt from the book: In Sheep's Clothing
By George K. Simon

(how many of these have you seen or discovered in your Online Predator??... comments in dark blue are EOPC's and not the author's)

Two Basic Types of Aggression
There are two basic types of aggression: overt-aggression and covert-aggression. When you're determined to have something and you're open, direct and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you're out to "win," dominate or control, but are subtle, underhanded or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Now, avoiding any overt display of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into giving you what you want is a powerfully manipulative maneuver. That's why covert-aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.

Acts of Covert-Aggression vs. Covert-Aggressive Personalities
Most of us have engaged in some sort of covertly aggressive behavior from time to time. Periodically trying to manipulate a person or a situation doesn't make someone a covert-aggressive personality. Personality can be defined by the way a person habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and the world at large.

The tactics of deceit, manipulation and control are a steady diet for covert-aggressive personality. It's the way they prefer to deal with others and to get the things they want in life.

The Process of Victimization
For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good reasons:

1. A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we can't readily validate our feelings.

2. The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ..., almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run.

3. All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: "Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button." - But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what's really going on. Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited.

4. What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature.

We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character.

Recognizing Aggressive Agendas
Accepting how fundamental it is for people to fight for the things they want and becoming more aware of the subtle, underhanded ways people can and do fight in their daily endeavors and relationships can be very consciousness expanding. Learning to recognize an aggressive move when somebody makes one and learning how to handle oneself in any of life's many battles, has turned out to be the most empowering experience for the manipulation victims with whom I've worked. It's how they eventually freed themselves from their manipulator's dominance and control and gained a much needed boost to their own sense of self esteem.

Recognizing the inherent aggression in manipulative behavior and becoming more aware of the slick, surreptitious ways that manipulative people prefer to aggress against us is extremely important. Not recognizing and accurately labeling their subtly aggressive moves causes most people to misinterpret the behavior of manipulators and, therefore, fail to respond to them in an appropriate fashion. Recognizing when and how manipulators are fighting with covertly aggressive tactics is essential.

Defense Mechanisms and Offensive Tactics
Almost everyone is familiar with the term defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are the "automatic" (i.e. unconscious) mental behaviors all of us employ to protect or defend ourselves from the "threat" of some emotional pain. More specifically, ego defense mechanisms are mental behaviors we use to "defend" our self-images from "invitations" to feel ashamed or guilty about something. There are many different kinds of ego defenses and the more traditional (psychodynamic) theories of personality have always tended to distinguish the various personality types, at least in part, by the types of ego defenses they prefer to use. One of the problems with psychodynamic approaches to understanding human behavior is that they tend to depict people as most always afraid of something and defending or protecting themselves in some way; even when they're in the act of aggressing. Covert-aggressive personalities (indeed all aggressive personalities) use a variety of mental behaviors and interpersonal maneuvers to help ensure they get what they want. Some of these behaviors have been traditionally thought of as defense mechanisms.

While, from a certain perspective we might say someone engaging in these behaviors is defending their ego from any sense of shame or guilt, it's important to realize that at the time the aggressor is exhibiting these behaviors, he is not primarily defending (i.e. attempting to prevent some internally painful event from occurring), but rather fighting to maintain position, gain power and to remove any obstacles (both internal and external) in the way of getting what he wants. Seeing the aggressor as on the defensive in any sense is a set-up for victimization. Recognizing that they're primarily on the offensive, mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to take in order to avoid being run over. Therefore, I think it's best to conceptualize many of the mental behaviors (no matter how "automatic" or "unconscious" they may appear) we often think of as defense mechanisms, as offensive power tactics, because aggressive personalities employ them primarily to manipulate, control and achieve dominance over others. Rather than trying to prevent something emotionally painful or dreadful from happening, anyone using these tactics is primarily trying to ensure that something they want to happen does indeed happen. Let's take a look at the principal tactics covert-aggressive personalities use to ensure they get their way and maintain a position of power over their victims:

Denial - This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well as to others) about their aggressive intentions. This "Who... Me?" tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on doing what they want to do. This denial is not the same kind of denial that a person who has just lost a loved one and can't quite bear to accept the pain and reality of the loss engages in. That type of denial really is mostly a "defense" against unbearable hurt and anxiety. Rather, this type of denial is not primarily a "defense" but a maneuver the aggressor uses to get others to back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty themselves for insinuating he's doing something wrong.

Selective Inattention - This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for denial It's when the aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda.

Often, the aggressor knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't want to hear it!" behavior. Ed Hicks & Yidwithlid did this) By using this tactic, the aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining from the behavior you want him to change.

Rationalization - A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer for engaging in an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it. It's a powerful tactic because it not only serves to remove any internal resistance the aggressor might have about doing what he wants to do (quieting any qualms of conscience he might have) but also to keep others off his back. If the aggressor can convince you he's justified in whatever he's doing, then he's freer to pursue his goals without interference.



Diversion - A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a manipulator down or try to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we don't like, he's expert at knowing how to change the subject, dodge the issue or in some way throw us a curve. Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas. (Jacoby, Doug Beckstead, Sammy Benoit /Jeff Dunetz/ Yidwithlid all used this one constantly - and with initial good results for them!)

Whenever someone is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely assume that for some reason, they're trying to give you the slip.

Lying - It's often hard to tell when a person is lying at the time he's doing it. Fortunately, there are times when the truth will out because circumstances don't bear out somebody's story. But there are also times when you don't know you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to minimize the chances that someone will put one over on you is to remember that because aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat. Another thing to remember is that manipulators - covert-aggressive personalities that they are - are prone to lie in subtle, covert ways. Courts are well aware of the many ways that people lie, as they require that court oaths charge that testifiers tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth from you or by distorting the truth. (William Michael Barber, John Gash, Yidwithlid, Ed Hicks & Phil Haberman all did this)They are adept at being vague when you ask them direct questions. This is an especially slick way of lying -- omission. Keep this in mind when dealing with a suspected wolf in sheep's clothing. Always seek and obtain specific, confirmable information.

Covert Intimidation - Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats. Guilt-tripping and shaming are two of the covert-aggressive's favourite weapons. Both are special intimidation tactics. (Dorsky, Hicks, Jacoby, Beckstead, Rodger & Yidwithlid all used overt & covert threats - including disappearing on the Targets for days or weeks at a time, as 'threats')

Guilt-tripping - One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position.

The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon.

Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality) to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.

Shaming - This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance.

Playing the Victim Role - This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of circumstances or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. (Yidwithlid did this one when caught! Beckstead complained about his cold, unfeeling wife...) One thing that covert-aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and less hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and they'll try to relieve your distress.

(Jeff Dunetz /Gridney/ Yidwithlid also used this as a lure, i.e. his cold, disappointing marriage and how Target #1 and eventually Target #2 were the ONLY people he could 'really talk to.'

Dorksy also used this one in telling his Target she was the 'only girl for' him because all the girls in his area were 'sluts' and unworthy.

Beckstead's wife "wouldn't have sex with" him.

Dan Jacoby was "waiting for his divorce to be final" and "no one understood him.")


Vilifying the Victim - This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with the tactic of playing the victim role. The aggressor uses this tactic to make it appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against) aggression on the part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the defensive. (Ed Hicks (aka Charles Greene aka Charles Hicks aka....) was big on this one! Dan Jacoby's the latest to do this tired ploy.)

Playing the Servant Role - Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It's a common tactic but difficult to recognize. By pretending to be working hard on someone else's behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others. (Yidwithlid used this one saying he was religious and writing articles to support causes which only furthered his own agenda and were placed on his old website - a site in which he used the guestbook to troll for new targets. Currently he tells people reading his blog to EMAIL him with their email addresses so he can "add them to his mailing list." -- There are free sites that do that automatically; which leads us to believe Jeff Dunetz is collects new emails for targetting! At the same time, he convinced Target #1 he was as altruistic as she was -- when he was actually only furthering a personal, selfish egotistical agenda, serial cheating with high price hookers on his wife and family at the same time and lying to everyone around him about who & what he really was. Just like ALL cyberpaths!)

One hallmark characteristic of covert-aggressive personalities is loudly professing subservience while fighting for dominance.

Seduction - Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty.

Covert-aggressives are also particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and dependent (and that includes most people who aren't character-disordered) want approval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than anything. Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket to incredible power over others.

He melts any resistance you might have to giving him your loyalty and confidence. He does this by giving you what he knows you need most. He knows you want to feel valued and important. So, he often tells you that you are. You don't find out how unimportant you really are to him until you turn out to be in his way. (And then he tells you to get over YOUR 'bruised ego.')

Projecting the blame (blaming others) or Blame-Shifting - Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior. Covert-aggressives are not only skilled at finding scapegoats, they're expert at doing so in subtle, hard to detect ways. (all our Cyberpaths do this so much - we'd spend another couple posts just point it all out!)

Minimization - This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with rationalization. When using this maneuver, the aggressor is attempting to assert that his abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain.

I've presented the principal tactics that covert-aggressives use to manipulate and control others. They are not always easy to recognize. Although all aggressive personalities tend to use these tactics, covert-aggressives generally use them slickly, subtly and adeptly. Anyone dealing with a covertly aggressive person will need to heighten gut-level sensitivity to the use of these tactics if they're to avoid being taken in by them.

original article here

Why Victims Need to Tell & Keep Telling

On behalf of all survivors, let me just say this: if we could "just get over it", we would. If we could snap our fingers and instantly make ourselves whole and healthy once again, we would do it. If we could wake up one morning, and find ourselves completely healed of our abuse, and completely free of the harmful effects the abuse had wrought on our lives, we'd do it. If there was a magic pill to take, or a certain food we could eat, or a spell we could cast, or a prayer we could say which would make it all go away instantly, I can't imagine any survivor who wouldn't at least try it once.

The fact is, it's too exhausting to live with the consequences of being abused. Depression, eating disorders, violence, generational abuse, panic attacks, and so on are all potential results of being abused; and why would anyone want to be plagued by such things? Furthermore, the toll abuse takes in terms of survivors' self-esteem is incredibly debilitating. Oftentimes, even survivors who are relatively together are haunted by the nagging belief that they aren't worthwhile human beings.

And the supreme irony of it all is that, by and large, the abusers and perpetrators themselves NEVER take responsibility for cleaning up the mess they've left behind in their victims' lives. It is the abusers who rip their victims apart, but the victims who must put themselves back together.

The backlash against survivors who dare to talk about their experiences is incredible. From well-meaning relatives or friends who hope to lessen the pain somehow by telling us, "It can't have been that bad," to death threats and stalking from abusers we've confronted, to organizations operating on a large-scale to debunk reports of abuse (such as the False Memory Syndrome Foundation), survivors are beset on all sides with walls of disbelief.

We are accused of making it up, of being crazy, of being "oversensitive", scorned, jealous, ungrateful, just out for attention, or any of a thousand demeaning labels which not only insult our individual persons, but also give no respect to the horrors we've survived, or the strength we have shown in doing so.

It is my personal opinion that people just don't want to admit abuse exists. Sometimes, this is understandable. Sometimes, a person might have great faith in the goodness of humanity, and can't even conceive of abuse as happening (or else, can't conceive of it happening except "over there", or "somewhere else").

Or perhaps they don't want to imagine that abuse might have happened to someone they care about, and so they minimize it. Maybe, they even believe they are helping to relieve a survivor's pain, by suggesting that the survivor focus on something else.

Other people have a more vested interest in letting abuse happen. ... The only acceptable reason for not stopping abuse is if you really don't know that it's happening -- and this is extremely rare.)

People who buy into an abusive system -- say, overly macho or aggressive men, or very submissive women -- might deny that abuse happens as well. A good portion of college men apparently believe that there is no such thing as rape, and that it's okay to have sex with a woman if she's drunk or unconscious. (I say, if the only way you can get laid is with a woman who's out cold, you're probably the most pathetic a**hole that ever lived -- and a criminal to boot.)

Yet another group has a direct investment in whether or not abuse is revealed: abusers themselves.

For one reason or another, abusers want to get away with it. Why? I don't know. I've never been inside an abuser's head, I've only been on the receiving end of their abuse. I don't know what makes abusers tick -- and in some ways, I hope I never find out.

The bottom line is, this isn't a very survivor-friendly world. Yes, resources are out there. Yes, people know more about abuse and recovery than they ever did before. Yes, more strides are made daily, in healing and in research. Yes, we keep talking. But it isn't easy. All of the above makes our lives very difficult.

Add to this the reports of abuse which actually do turn out to be false, and it just adds one more wall -- if one "victim" cries wolf, it makes those of us with true stories to tell that much more likely not to be believed.

But talk we do, and talk we will. With our friends, our families, in books, in journals, through artwork, with therapists, online, on web pages and blogs... on and on and on.

We have to.

For those of us who have suffered abuse at the hands of others, the only way out is by revealing what happened -- bringing it out into the light, naming it for what it is, looking at it good and hard, assessing the damage done to our selves and our lives, and then assimilating the damage and moving on. No, there's no overnight cure. No, we can't just "snap out of it". DUH!

We have to talk, because if we don't, abuse will never come to light, for anyone. It will continue breeding in the silence and shame, on and on, for generations to come, causing the same debilitation and hatred and confusion for future generations that it has to us.

We have to talk, because we can't let abusers get away with it anymore.

The toll they take on all of humanity is simply unacceptable.

original article here

Adults Responsible for Internet Abuse, Too

Almost all of our cyberpaths bully and torment their victims when they find out they have been busted & exposed. Victims who are already physically and emotional sick with PTSD and trauma. However, shaming the only justice they will recieve until laws change. Vigilantes? We think not. - EOPC
Cyberbullying isn't just a problem among adolescents. Adults engage in it, too. From online vigilantism and angry blogs to e-stalking and anonymous ranting on newspaper Web sites, grownups can be as abusive as the meanest schoolhouse tyrant.

The suicide of 13-year-old Megan Meier in 2006 thrust adult cyberbullying into the open. The Dardenne Prairie, Mo., girl killed herself after receiving cruel messages on MySpace from impostors posing as a 16-year-old boy named "Josh Evans."

Lori Drew, the mother of one of Megan's friends, was accused of participating in the hoax along with her teenage daughter and a former teenage employee. Drew has denied sending messages to Megan.

While questions remain about Drew's role, the case has left no doubt that the Internet is rife with adult cyber passion.

After the suicide came to light, an outraged mother several states away ferreted out Drew's identity and posted it on a blog.

Soon, "an army of Internet avengers ... set out to destroy Lori Drew and her family," forcing them from their home and "vowing them no peace, ever," newspaper columnist Barbara Shelly wrote. "Who are these people who have made it their business to destroy her? They are a jury with laptops, their verdict rendered without insight into the dynamics of two families or the state of mind of a fragile 13-year-old girl or even a complete explanation of what actually occurred."

Internet shaming is a growing cultural phenomenon, but Daniel Solove, a professor of law at George Washington University and author of the 2007 book "The Future of Reputation: Gossip, Rumor and Privacy on the Internet," said it can backfire.

"Internet shaming is done by people who want actually to enforce norms and to make people and society more orderly," he said.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE

Minnesota Man Sentenced for Shaming Website

An Eagan man has pleaded guilty to attempting to coerce a man he believed to be a love rival, also admitting to disorderly conduct.

Emmett Salberg, 45, had for years poked fun at local officials as the creator of two websites that had resembled the city of Eagan's website. That had led to such confusion on the public's part, and embarrassment for the city, that the city council agreed last June to buy the two Web domains from him for $2,000.

Then, a year ago, Salberg was charged with two counts of attempted coercion and another count of harassment in a different matter, in which he allegedly created a website to publish insults and images of a man who Salberg believed had an affair with his wife. He allegedly tried to collect $5,000 from the man to pull down the website, according to the charges.

On Wednesday, Salberg pleaded guilty in Dakota County District Court to attempted coercion and another charge that had been added, misdemeanor disorderly conduct. Judge David Knutson sentenced Salberg to six days in jail, with credit for three days served, and four years on probation. He must attend a court-ordered anger-management course and pay restitution, but the amount has yet to be determined.

Salberg also was ordered to shut down the domain in which he had published the derogatory material and to submit to random checks by authorities of his Internet use.

original article here

A Slap in the Face(book)

By MARY TOOTHMAN

She had planned a life with him, she was devoted to his child. They had set up house together - she loved him.

But he ended the relationship. And there she was, alone and face-to-computer-screen with daily images of the man who broke her heart.

Once proudly listed for all of her Facebook friends to see as "in a relationship," Devon had to cope with a reality that failed-relationship victims have come to dread: the public Facebook status-change to "single."

There is certainly no shame in being single - but breakups in this age of fast-moving Internet updates involve a new spectrum of public involvement and awareness. Breaking up online, with an audience of hundreds, can intensify and prolong the agony.

The number of active members of social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter are increasing at an astounding rate, and the impact of personal, yet oh-so-public postings are taking a toll. Facebook, which reports about 400 million active users, is often the medium by which friends and family - and sometimes even those involved - find out about the end of a relationship.

Devon, a Lakeland office worker whose real name is not being used for privacy reasons, did not actually learn her boyfriend wanted out from looking at Facebook. But after their "it's over" talk, it was verified when he changed his status to "single," - for all of their friends and family members to see.

"The status change was hard to see when he did it," she said. "This entire situation has been hard. I am soon to be 26, and I just want to find the right guy to marry, have babies, and grow old with. Facebook has made it difficult, but I'm not sure it would have lessened the blow even if he wasn't on Facebook."

While touted by many as a wonderful resource for friendships, support, reunions of out-of-touch friends and family and an efficient and easy way to share photographs, videos and information, social networking clearly has its drawbacks.

Berney J. Wilkinson, an Internet-savvy therapist in Winter Haven, pays close attention to the impact social networking has on emotions and the overall well-being of the population. He encounters social networking-related issues regularly when working with patients, and recognizes the differences they bring in today's online society.

"In the age of social networking sites, what were once personal conversations are now publicly broadcast around the world," Wilkinson said. "Prior to sites such as Facebook and MySpace, and networking applications such as Twitter, relationships were confined to telephone calls and social engagements.

"Whenever a couple experienced a 'bump' in the relationship, they would talk it out over the phone or in person, and attempt to work out their differences," he said. "In fact, just the other day, I was talking with a patient about how we used to make mixed tapes after breakups, just to have a collection of songs that defined that time of our life."

Although it was painful, Devon could not stop herself from checking out information posted on the profile page of her ex-boyfriend after they split up.

"It is hard to see what other girls have to say now that it is public knowledge he is available again," she said. "One girl posted 'It's officially official!' It sucks to see that, but what can I do? I can't make him love me."

Society as a whole could stand to alter the way postings are made thoughtlessly - and so publicly, Wilkinson said.

"Today, information spreads way too fast, and social networking sites have become the 21st-century water cooler, where everything is discussed and made public."

People often quickly post remarks or comebacks on the sites that are misunderstood or hurtful, and words cannot be taken back once someone reads them. In many cases, relationships that might have previously been salvaged are irreparable once the process is publicly recorded, he said.

DOWNSIDES OF SOCIAL MEDIA
There are two major problems with the sites, said Wilkinson, who has nothing against them and, in fact, uses them himself.

Relationship issues are often handled poorly, and the personal touch is eliminated. People often impulsively change their relationship status too soon, he said, and sometimes the person who was left behind in a breakup has to view photos and reports about a new relationship.

Breakups have lost quite a bit of dignity with the Internet.

"Prior to social networking sites, breakups had to be done in person," Wilkinson said. "In fact, people were looked down upon if they ended a relationship by note or by phone. Today, people readily use Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, and texting to manage their relationships.

"This removes any remnants of the interpersonal relationship and often results in cold interactions that lack connotative affect," he said. "Because a person can break off a relationship via networking, they do not see the person's responses, effect or emotions. As such, messages come across as cold, hurtful, and impersonal, further damaging each other."

Even some of Devon's friends, who probably meant well, posted remarks on her Facebook page that were hurtful. While crying and grieving, it was difficult to read messages about her newly single status, such as "Good!" or "Now we can go out and party!" - when she really just needed support and for friends to listen.

ONLINE SUPPORT
Wilkinson said with precautions, the sites can be helpful.

"Facebook (and other social networking sites) can provide significant support for people following a breakup," he said. "Friends who might otherwise know nothing about one's situation may ask to spend time with them to help them recover. I think that this is a very positive role that the networking sites can play."

But users must take care to weigh words carefully, he said, and always remember who can read them - and how they might be interpreted.

"I spend a lot of time with teenagers, in particular, who are dealing with issues related to the sites," he said. "Our personal lives are now broadcast for the world to see. While they definitely can be used for good, sometimes people just do not understand how much is lost in the printed word."

He offers some advice for dealing with online breakups, although he recognizes many may have trouble sticking with it. "Take a break from the social networking site, or at least don't visit your ex's page," he said. "Too many times, emotions get the best of us and we end up saying, doing or feeling things that hurt us in the long run. As a result, I often recommend that people avoid as many situations as possible that can continue to create or maintain emotional wounds."

For those who are going to read anyway, he said, "You sort of have to know going into it that you are not going to like what you see."

Of particular importance, ironically, is a suggestion most unlikely to be followed - that people keep their personal lives more, well, personal.

"Take discussions offline," he said. "Do not get into arguments or try to fix things through posts or status updates. Discussions of this type create more problems.

"Texting and posting online removes personal touches, affects, and feeling in what you are trying to say. So much is left between the lines. So jump back to the '90s, and instead of texting the person with your phone, call them."

Devon said she was unable to stop cyberstalking her ex-boyfriend, and he finally blocked some of his content from her. But her friends and family members still have access, and she continues to check it out. Still, she said, she's determined to move on.

"I am working on letting go," she said. "I just keep telling myself something better will come along soon enough."

And when it does? Her friends are likely to find out when they see her Facebook status change - to "in a relationship."

original article here

Daniel Jacoby. - The Guilt Tripping, Whining Pervert

Herewith are a few emails between Dan Jacoby (aka DB) & just one of his victims.
Notice the "love bombing" comments from him. Seems Jacoby asked her for some 'intimate' photos as proof of her love for him - while reassuring her his love is real. Now remember, these guys are the same ones who, when caught, say "IT WAS ALL A GAME", and "SHE KNEW IT WAS A GAME AND PLAYED ALONG" as well as calling these 'scorned women' LIARS, KOOKS, STALKERS and NUTJOBS. Tell us:

• Does this really sound like a 'game'?
• Does this sound like this victim made up her pain & concern out of whole cloth?
• Does this sound like Jacoby never asked for her attentions or encouraged them?
• Do the victims do these things because they are sexual predators, too - or because they truly LOVE these men (who turn out to be: Predators)?

(BTW - these emails sound eerily familiar to BECKSTEAD, GRIDNEY/ YIDWITHLID, ED HICKS and JOHN GASH. Additionally, very much like the overwhelming techniques used in sexual seduction - overwhelm the victim with emotion when all the predator really wants is sex.) "I LOVE YOU" are just words to these guys. It has the same emotional impact to them as "I NEED MORE TOILET PAPER." Unfortunately, the victim's bondedness is very real.

(Please note that the victim in this case is RECOVERING FROM BENZO ADDICTION. So notice how Jacoby uses the same psychological/ chemical pathways to lure, manipulate & hook her in! He has done this to other & will again and again until stopped)

Women instinctively know what relieves anxiety and reduces stress hormones levels - emotional, physical and sexual intimacy.

The bonding hormone oxytocin is one of the most powerful natural anti-anxiety chemicals there is! That is why sex is so relaxing. During sex, oxytocin is released and you feel not only happy and bonded with your mate, but afterwards, you are relaxed and anxiety-free. (Yes, even CYBERSEX!)

Early in the relationship, the psychopath isolates his woman from the rest of the world and her social network. Therefore, she has little emotional support from others that would normally serve to help her reduce or manage her anxiety effectively.

Being with a psychopath is anxiety-producing. The psychopath has a fight with her raising her level of anxiety. She thinks about leaving or takes steps to leave the relationship and that triggers profound anxiety in her. Without friends and family as support to help her manage her anxiety, she is in need of anxiety relief. She turns to the psychopath himself - both the creator and reliever of stress. He gratefully relieves her anxiety through (cyber)sex.

“It feels like a drug. Am I addicted to him?” Three things are at play in her attachment:
1. The high levels of attachment she is prone to because of her temperament.
2. The high levels of bonding she is feeling that she thinks the psychopath is mutually feeling.
3. She mistakes intensity for real connection.

These intense and yet different connections will lay the groundwork for the pathological love relationship dynamics which we will discuss later in the book. For now, understand her ability to deeply attach is significantly larger than the person who does not have her strong attachment trait.

Additionally, high levels of relationship investment set up an entrapping cycle within the pathological love relationship. If she pleases the psychopath with (cyber)sex and he praises her for it, her positive relationship reward was both the feeling she had in pleasing him (and herself) and the praise and stabilization of the relationship she experienced.

Add to it the “buzz” of the bonding hormones and her anxiety reduction and you have a cycle of bonding that entraps her.

- Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS

Jacoby apparently has a habit of taking screen shots of his victims on webcam while chatting with them. WithOUT their knowledge or permission. For insurance... when he dumps them for fresh prey. Then threatens to post these private shots to the world (or maybe he sells them to online porn sites!)

As always, our comments are in Dark Blue. - Fighter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: DAN JACOBY

If I loved MY WIFE like I love you and was in my situation, yes... I would have asked. I wish you would have told me weeks ago. I'll never bring it up again. (SURE you will! and the only person you love? IS YOURSELF!!)

-----Message-----
FROM: Victim
TO: Jacoby

No honey, I don't have to ask. You know I always look for reassurance, because of our situation.

Sweetheart, sometimes I wonder what you would think of me for being so forward. I know we have our intimacy, and we are very explicit during those times. I'm totally comfortable with it, because I love you.

When you totally and absolutely love a woman you don't want them to compromise themselves by doing something like sending nude pictures of themselves out into cyberspace. Would you EVER have asked YOUR WIFE to do anything like that? What would you think of her if she did? I am only making a comparison. I'm not writing this because I don't trust you. It just bothers me that you asked me to do it in the first place. You know what I'm trying to say.

I'm sorry about sending more than one video. I hate you to hurt.

I love you, Danny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From: DAN JACOBY
To: Victim

Just forget about it. I never loved MY WIFE anywhere near as much as I love you. Not even close.

You put everything I write under a microscope. I wouldn't ever let anyone see those pictures of you because I’m an honorable man and I love you and ONLY you. You shouldn't have even had to ask such a silly question. (REMEMBER HE SAID THIS! And notice how Jacoby makes his VICTIM FEEL GUILTY for hedging or asking questions!! Guilt dumping!! Blame shifting!!)

I was a fool for ever asking you to do such a thing. It was wrong of me. (YES IT WAS!!)

You know you can put files in a password protected ZIP file so no one can see them but me, don't you? (yet he KEEPS ON PRODDING!! And he will only "protect" them until he needs to harass or threaten you into silence about his true nature! Then you will be all over the net and at the police with Dan's SELECTIVE INFORMATION)

I never expected you to do anything that made you uncomfortable, but I CERTAINLY didn't expect you to string me along and not just say "I’m uncomfortable sending these over the internet". That would have been a lot more honest and understandable than "I've gotta top off my tan". I’m sure you look wonderful. I even told you I just wanted more "regular" pictures of you. At least a chance to see you like your co-workers or strangers in the street. Still nothing.

I love you as much as ever, but I’m sick as hell inside for ever asking such a terrible thing and for being strung along week after week. (Check the GUILT, OBLIGATION and MIND-TWISTING bull Jacoby lays on here)

I’m crushed and ashamed. I hope you can forgive me. I’m trying hard not to stomp this gadget into the ground. (boo hoo hoo - he can always look at internet porn instead of trying to cyber-rape a normal woman who he's already brainwashed. But no... he keeps on)

I love you. Danny


-----ANOTHER Message-----
FROM: Victim

Dan, you loved YOUR WIFE far more than you love me, because you married her, and she's the mother of your child. I understand that. I wanted to send those pictures to you. They're still there on the camera. The thing that phased me, and "threw" me, somewhat, was when you said that I shouldn't worry about you showing them to people, because I could always use the "private" one of you as a weapon. (did Jacoby tell her something previously about HIS M.O.? Cyberpaths often slip up and foreshadow their future threats, smear and attacking behavior early on - if one pays attention.)

I can't count the times I've been about to send them to you, and I always stop myself. Now you probably feel differently to me. I just don't know. I'm crying. I'll have to go. This is the reason I would never tell you right out that I was dubious about sending them. I was always scared of your reaction, and that you'd feel differently to me because I did'nt send them. Now you can't even bring yourself to write "I love you". (Now Jacoby has apparently made her feel his LOVE will be withdrawn because she didn't send the intimate pics. Sick boy)

I love you, just the same as always. - VICTIM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From: JACOBY
To: Victim

Its got nothing to do with the "pictures". I don't need to see your perfectly maintained body to love you. I asked you SEVERAL times if you were comfortable about it. All I got was "You'll get 'em. Have I ever failed you?". All you had to do was tell me the truth. You know how much YOU mean to me. You think I would hurt YOU to get my hands on some stupid "nudie" pictures? Thanks for thinking so highly of me. (Jacoby again laying on the GUILT, OBLIGATION and COVERT comments about his VERY CONDITIONAL "love." Remember he said this!! He's most probably done this before to victims and is angry these pics aren't as easy to obtain this time. He's blame-shifting because his victim's gut is telling her something's not right... and he's having to work overtime to override it)

How can you POSSIBLY love me???? I’m not a gentleman, you fear my reactions. I just don't get it. I’m going fucking insane. (boo hoo again, Jacoby)

Anything else been on your mind for the last four months that you want to tell me about? (a cyber tantrum from the thwarted predator. Typical. Now she's stuck between her ethics and his brainwashing. This is a situation that, in one way or another ALL our victims find themselves in. Truly sick on Jacoby's part)

I feel like a worthless excuse for one of God's children. (you are, Danny Boy -- you are - for even SUBJECTING this poor, hurting woman to your sociopathic baloney IN this position)

Goodnight. I love you, too. I hate my life though. God be with you. I’m signing off. (That's right, drop in as MUCH guilt as possible so the VICTIM is absolutely tortured while you're offline not even thinking about it and doing whatever with whoever)

-----ANOTHER Message-----
From: Victim

Does your love for me really depend on a couple of explicit pictures? (unfortunately - it does. Jacobyneeds insurance for when he drop kicks your mind, heart & soul eventually)

I love you with all my heart and soul. (But that's not enough for Dan. Because he is pathological and has no heart or soul. Just sick need and deviant desires)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From: Dan Jacoby
To: Victim

I’m devoted to you, Victim. (Until I log on with someone else or I get bored with you and you darned reality-checks) My relationship with MY WIFE has been over for many years. It took this illness and being stuck at home to wake me up to the reality of our marriage. I’m yours and yours alone. (For this email only) You're stuck with me, too. Is that OK? :-) (no comment! ick!)

I love you. Danny

-----ANOTHER Message-----
From: Victim

You know that you have no need at all to worry! I am devoted to you, sweetheart. You're my all consuming passion. (Unfortunately, he is) I know that you are a moral man, and if by chance YOUR WIFE asked to "try again" you would. I would never, ever judge you for that. Do you honestly think that I could give my heart to anyone else, after I've given it totally to you? You should never, ever worry about me walking away from you! (She couldn't if she wanted to because now she's not just brainwashed - she's TRAUMA BONDED to him; thanks to his playing on her guilt and fair-mindedness)

I love you. Victim
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Notice the Oh-So- NOT-NICE way Dan gossips with another person here about other people on the recovery boards.

TO: Dan Jacoby

Hey Dan... I don't want to upset you with this gossip thing or get anyone in trouble but I also understand that things need to be dragged out in the open to heal...I think you'll probably understand... I would want to know.

When I first started talking with M he said to be very careful of you and J. J had given me the creeps anyway so that was no big issue but I was really surprised about you. He said that he had heard from a very reliable source, that he trusts implicitly (DON'T quote me but I assumed he was talking about A), that you and J took advantage of a girl called E and convinced her in her vulnerable state into giving you a very explicit web cam sex show.

To be honest I just believed what M had said until I saw you put up a post about E and I got the impression you had been close and were very upset about her being taken advantage of my "certain" forum members. That was when I realized that anything M said could have been a load of bollocks and said to suit him. I think maybe he was jealous of you and A? Who knows.

When M was here, just before he left, he stirred up trouble on [support forum] by posting a comment as a "guest" when the forum was in maintenance mode. He said something like "B must die" - very grownup! lol. Of course they logged the IP address and when I joined up they put two and two together and thought I was an imposter. I was really upset and explained that M was staying here. They accepted that but I still felt a bit alienated and mistrusted. M decided he would try and "fix" this by writing an email to C even though had asked for him to just leave it all alone so it could die down and I could fit in. I knew what he was doing but pretended I didn't to see if M was prepared to lie about it. Of course he did lie about it but C and I have discussed it since and their correspondence went back and forth for some time. I have yet to see copies of what M talked about but C kept saying "why don't you just show J these emails! so she knows it's ok" but he wouldn't - he is a creepy manipulative bastard (scuse my language).

C thought it was very wierd. What made me laugh is that M couldn't work out how they had formed a link between me and him - I'm not sure he even understood what an IP address is.. LOL.

Since then all I have heard is that the forum was having trouble with predators - to be honest I thought they might have meant M since he is working his way through a few himself. J was a big offender but think everyone was aware of that. Apparently it ran deeper than that and the gossip mill was saying G had been a victim but was refusing to name the culprit - maybe why you were implicated because of your close friendship with her? (probably was JACOBY that exploited her!) That's all I have... apart from who is gay and who is not... LOL.

Hope you are relaxing with the tele and this is not causing you too much stress. I would love to talk to VICTIM. She seems so down to earth - my kinda girl! I shall send her an email when I get a chance. (like gridney/ YidwithLid -- using the good words of one "Target" to work over another "Target"!)

J
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From:
Sun, 4 Sep 2005 09:27:25 -0400

J

I'm stunned, but not surprised. I spent the night with my mind racing and experiencing a full spectrum of emotions ranging from anger, relief, and deep sadness. The good news is I am no longer banging my head against the wall wondering where Y got all these ridiculous ideas about me, including the accusations that I was "hacking" into the forum, lurking "invisibly", and deleting posts without authorization. (er... because you WERE? Protesting too much -- a predator give-away!)

When I first joined the forum many months ago, J immediately began writing me. I found his pseudo-intellectual ramblings about drug addiction to be strange and thought he even looked "dirty", but never really paid much else attention to him. I was never a drinker or drug user, and being in the company of some of "street" drug addicts was new to me, and I was a bit naïve.

A short time later, E (a prostitute and heroin addict at the time) contacted me and asked if she could confide in me. It was then that she told me about J and all the twisted things he made her do. I stayed in contact with E until she kicked her drug habit, got a "real" job, and reconciled with her husband. I would like to think the encouragement and support I gave her helped her to break out of her destructive lifestyle. (Aren't you SPECIAL, Dan!! No one sings your praises louder than YOU!) Ever since then, J (knowing I was on to him [because I am the smartest person in the world... LOL]) would post on my threads as if we were best friends. Both of my parents were in law enforcement and checked him out. He's a twice-convicted felon and has served time in Federal prison. (parents in law enforcement? checking someone out? that's not really legal to go through another person's records and passing it along with gossip unless its for court, etc. Also Jacoby warning that he has "friends in high places" should anyone call him on his exploits. If Jacoby's parents were in law enforcement -- he should ask them for a good rehab program for sociopaths & sex addicts.)

A is a good friend who is currently in a 9-month long inpatient detox program in the UK. All we ever talked about was her dog and her horse. A was friends with S, who M "met" in Los Angeles on his way home from New Zealand. I won't even get into the rumors I heard about THAT woman! (how many did you start? or did she rebuff your advances?)

G still swears to this very day that she never accused me of being a "predator" (but if she did she was right on the money!), but she became very cold and withdrawn right about the time M started putting the new forum together. We became very good friends because she lives in the neighborhood where I grew up. G WORSHIPS Y, and if Y repeated anything M may have told her about me, G would take it as Gospel. G herself can be a very manipulative person and seems to thrive on her illness, though I wouldn't wish her suffering on anyone. She sent me an email regarding my commentary on my PERSONAL medical journal and referred to me as showing a pattern of "verbal abuse" (again, she was right! and notice the lack of empathy on Jacoby's part for anything but HIS 'reputation'). The irony of her choosing those words to describe my reaction to this whole situation is beyond amusing! Maybe she should move in with M for three months, LOL!

VICTIM and I have remained strong throughout all of this. We are both counting the minutes until we can be together. All of this drama has been very hard on both of us, but we're still deeply in love with each other. She's one in a million and I hate that she has had to go through all of this with me. As if benzo withdrawal wasn't tough enough! I know she would love to hear from you. We also know who's gay, and even THAT has effected our relationship (a story for another day), LOL!

I really appreciate you sharing this with me. It does provide some sense of closure and a chance to heal, even though it may only be the tip of the iceberg. When I calm down and get over this I would love to drop M a quick, friendly email if you still have his address. Oh wait - why would I need that from YOU if I could simply "hack" into the forum and get it? :-) (smug)

I hope you're feeling great and are being good to yourself. You have so much to be proud of. I'll be praying for you,

Dan

WARNING (2009) - Jacoby (a web designer & computer expert!) has found his way BACK on to the recovery forums using a new IP number and false identities (ex: "Nurse Tanya" and "Elwood"). Despite the forum managers saying they have banned him forever - they have not been able to stop this remorseless predator! One forum manager refuses to listen and remove his multiple identities. Beware!