I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN -
I DIDN'T LISTEN TO MY INSTINCTS -
IT'S ALL MY FAULT
Just some of the things the victims of an internet predator say.....
One of our discussion group contributors and a victim themselves - recently wrote the below to a reader who was blaming herself and was chided for her obsession to get to the bottom of what her apparent cyberpath was.
It was so powerful we asked and got permission from this contributor to reprint her response here (edited for clarity). Everyone should read it and heed it.
There's no fault when dealing with a cyberpath. Remember "PREDATORS HUNT THE WOUNDED" - EOPC
THIS CONTRIBUTOR SAYS:
Let's get focused on him - the internet "friend" you say is NOT a cyberpath - because it was with HIM you interacted with and HE'S the cause for all the stress and suffering you are going through nowadays.
It's more than obvious (and I want you to take me seriously) this guy is not so wonderful as you think and say he is. An emotionally stable, honest man, who is looking for a serious relationship or even a friendship over the Internet, will not create a profile on a sex site (such as AdultFriendFinder or Eroticy to name a couple) and won't try to find possible real/ serious partners on a sex site!.
You had a profile there because as you said, your marriage wasn't good. I understand. When we are in emotional pain we can do stupid things. But believe me, even on a seemingly innocent site like PenPalWorld, or reunion sites like Classmates.com and the online dating sites, recovery sites, single parent sites, Facebook, you can find idiots, posers, players, etc. (the predator stories on EOPC will tell you just that!!)
The possibility of finding them on a sex site is higher (sex addicts, narcissists, sociopaths, users and abusers love the Internet and they place themselves on these sites just waiting for the next victim). A sex site can be the ideal place. They will find lots of people to communicate with, to chat occasionally, to have cybersex with and nothing more than that. Casual, no strings. The difference is that on a sex site, they don't need to lie as much as they do on a dating or e-friends site.
This type of man - the one you e-tripped upon - when they feel someone is starting to get emotionally attached to them, they will do everything to get rid of you or drive you crazy. Emails will go unanswered, generally with the excuse they are busy, sick or whatever their imagination can make up. Or they answer emails with short lines like "I don't know what to say/ tell you" or "Thanks" or "we will talk later."
They're either never online on Skype, etc. (they are - they just appear to be offline - blocking those they're not interested to chat with). Or they are there - putting on their AWAY or BUSY messages or just plain IGNORING you & PURPOSELY HURTING you by putting these messages up. (usually busy with other women!)
They will even tell you they are busy working if you try to IM them anyway. These guys are emotional vampires and mental sadists.
When something like this happens, its clear, they are not really interested in any type of genuine communication. I know by experience (although on a different level) it's time to say "bye bye - have a nice life."
Unfortunately most of the times we can't. We have feelings - they don't. We would not do that to someone and can't understand why they are doing it to us. We blame ourselves for the situation and we wonder over and over, what have we done so wrong, to get such cold treatment. Actually, we did nothing wrong.
However, they've allowed us to put them on such a pedestal that we can't see the real truth. We think they' the best thing in the world, better than sliced bread.
We idealize them and they knowingly allow it without telling us the truth.
So, I know what you feel and empathize with you, but he is not 'a great guy' and it wasn't your fault.
You just didn't know the best way to deal with him. The best would've been ignoring him, but gradually he made himself an obsession to you, always in your mind, a fruit of your desire. Your need for emotional connection made him into something he wasn't and it's not your fault. He could have responded to you and said something but he didn't. He let you dangle there confused... (this is a SEDUCTION method used by cyberpaths remember?)
Keep Them in Suspense: What Comes Next The moment people feel they know what to expect from you, your spell on them is broken. More: you have ceded them power. The only way to lead the seduced along and keep the upper hand is to create suspense, a calculated surprise. People love a mystery, and this is the key to luring them farther into your web. Behave in a way that leaves them wondering, What are you up to?
(from LURES OF THE ONLINE PREDATOR))
You are a sensitive caring person who doesn't just use and drop people when you are done using them - even online. He is.
And here you go blaming yourself. "It was my fault", "I shouldn't have said this and that", "I shouldn't have done what I did", etc... Ok, you sent him some e-mails, even a love letter... All of us victims have done things like that. Maybe because on the chats he was sweet, he called you "Princess", but unfortunately it was just words he didn't mean.
See how he avoided giving you his address? He doesn't want any type of contact with ANYONE except for "discreet sex encounters."
That's not the actions of a nice guy.
This isn't a normal person.
Keep that all in mind.
The e-mail he sent you was 100% bullsh*t. I'd bet money he wasn't going to 'get married.' I also doubt he was 'in love with' someone. Guys who are really "in love" don't go on sex sites looking for a little fun.
He said that to get you out of the way and then to scare you he mentioned he would call the police if he heard from you again. This isn't the behavior of a nice guy. (typical predator move - now the victim is a "stalker" because they want & deserve answers! )
He probably has many friends from the sex site he exchanges e-mails with, many others to chat with, many to have cybersex with -- both he and they: without any emotional attachment. That makes him "busy" and obviously he is not on a sex site for genuine romance.
I'd also bet he was busy with other women online (you know what I mean).
Understand this situation isn't the way you have pictured it in your head: that others are good and you're a bad person for letting it get this far. This isn't true. Don't beat yourself up this way.
A good and nice guy would have interacted with you differently. The e-mail would have been different. He'd have been straight and honest with you. He'd have told you he wants no emotional involvement and just wanted sex. Problem is this guy most probably uses and abuses women. It's obvious. He thinks women are objects.
Notice how that female friend of his told you if you had met him in person, you could see how flawed he was "in heart, mind and body". She gave you the accurate picture.
He is not a nice guy, much less principled. He is another jerk on a sex site! There are thousands like him.
Although you don't think so, it's a good thing you didn't remain friends with him. He would have caused even more damage to you. At any moment he would have revealed his true personality and you'd see the idiot he is -- then you would have been reeling.
I know, I have been there. Study his motives and see how he is an idiot with a oversize ego who thinks women are good for only one thing: Sex.
Sorry but he is a jerk, not you!
Stop blaming yourself!