Monday, October 12, 2015


Hitting the 'escape' key

Online gratification can become just as harmful to a relationship as physical betrayalBY MELENA Z. RYZIK
Remember Britain's uproar over soccer star David Beckham, who allegedly carried on an affair and sent sexy text messages to his lover.

When the Internet became popular in the early 1990s, it was hailed as a technological breakthrough. A decade later, easy access on the World Wide Web to images and information is causing an unprecedented number of breakups.

After all, titillating material is more available and visible than ever before. And whether it's online porn or Internet-enabled flings, a lot of relationships are feeling the strain.
Therapists, sociologists and even lawyers are waking up to the fact that online affairs and flirtations play as real a role in splitting up couples as offline romances do."Infidelity on the Internet is as devastating as infidelity offline," says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist and the author, with Dr. Marlene Maheu, of "Infidelity on the Internet: Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal" (Sourcebooks, 2001).

"I think the Internet has been the single most significant factor in the accelerating divorce trend," says Robert Stephan Cohen, a top Manhattan-based divorce lawyer and author of "Reconcilable Differences: 7 Keys to Remaining Together from a Top Matrimonial Lawyer."

"It's amazing how many people come in here and say the Internet has been a source of things that go awry," he adds.

In a recent survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 62% of the respondents said that the Internet had played a "significant role" in the divorces they had handled in the previous year; 68% of those cases, a spouse had met a new love interest online, and 56% showed an obsessive interest in online porn.

Almost 80% of the lawyers surveyed said that incriminatory E-mails had been used as evidence in divorce proceedings.

With a few clicks and for little or no money, the Internet provides lots of anonymous temptations - and instant gratification
. In the Internet age, being faithful is suddenly a lot more complex.

Like crack for sex addictsOnline porn is what nearly broke up Betsey's marriage of 20 years. (To protect sources' identities, all names and some identifying details have been changed.)

"My husband became hooked on Internet pornography as soon as he discovered it, about eight or nine years ago at work," the fiftysomething retired engineer and mother wrote in an E-mail. "He has an addiction - he is ashamed and secretive about his behavior; he is unable to stop regardless of the consequences to himself or anyone else. When he is in his addiction, his personality changes for the worse."

"The Internet is like crack cocaine for sex addicts," says a spokesman for Sexaholics Anonymous (who preferred to remain anonymous himself).

But even casual browsers can get hooked.

"They're are what we call the at-risk population," says Maheu. "They otherwise would not go out of their way to look into pornography because it would involve more forethought and planning. But when you're sitting at your computer alone at night, it's just a few clicks away."

Maheu estimates that as much as a quarter of the population falls into this easily targeted group, which runs the gamut from people who are mildly bored or curious to those dissatisfied with their relationships or generally depressed. "They don't have to use a lot of energy," she says. "They seek outlets that won't cause ripples in their work or home life."

Betsey's husband was always more than a casual user; he told her that he had "a problem" with pornography when they started dating. But the Internet made his problem worse.

"Internet porn is so there, just a keystroke away - at home, at work, anywhere," she wrote. And through pop-ups, cookies and spam, "once a person has gone to one of those sites, the porn pursues him."

Indeed, the number of adult Internet sites has ballooned in the last four years, expanding 17 times to encompass nearly 1.6 million sites, according to research by software firm Websense. Industry analyst Nielsen/NetRatings estimated that 34 million people - or one in four Internet users - visited one of those sites last year.

False intimacy
Digital smut is not the only trigger for relationship trouble. Online communication in general can create a false sense of intimacy
, says Subotnik.

"There is a feeling that these are the only two people in the world connecting with each other. People will type things that they wouldn't say, and it happens much more quickly" than in real life.

"I have probably chatted with at least 500 women in some sort of mutual sexual way," says Harold, a 29-year-old Manhattan man in a serious relationship who still enjoys flirting online.
Though Harold admits he has "almost had relationships end because of it," he also claims to have started relationships through "
either randomly [instant messaging] people in chat rooms or making sexual overtures to women I have had previous sexual relationships with or crushes on in the past."
Is flirting on the Net cheating? Only if your partner doesn't know you do it, insists Harold.

Finding out that a partner is involved in a virtual relationship can be just as traumatizing as actually finding him or her in bed with another person. "It's an emotional type of cheating," says Maheu.

"Online relationships have a profound impact on our emotional experience," Israeli philosophy professor Aaron Ben-Ze'ev writes in "Love Online: Emotions on the Internet" (Cambridge University Press, 2004). "Online relationships usually involve greater intimacy and emotional intensity."
Harold says his girlfriends find his habit "a minor annoyance," but not every partner is so understanding.

Time online=time apartGeorge, a married man in his 30s who lives outside New York, first turned to the Internet to research a condition he has called "gender dysphoria," in which a person feels he or she was born in the wrong gender. George lost his job and spent more and more time on the computer, becoming what he calls "obsessed."

"You invest yourself into this thing that has nothing to do with your spouse, when really you should be investing yourself into your marriage," he says. "It saps your emotional energy and takes you away.

"If you think of television of being addictive in a passive way," he adds, "the Internet is addictive in an active way."
Surfing the Net is a double whammy: There's potential for betrayal in both the content and in the diverted attention.

"The prospect of something newer and 'better' can turn any computer search into a time sink," writes Betsey. "For the porn addict, always in pursuit of more and different, minutes can become hours can become days." (A recent study classified people who spent 11 hours or more a week online looking at porn as sexual addicts.)
"Spouses say, 'I feel like you're not here with me,'" says Maheu. The absenteeism - whether literal or emotional - is often the first sign of a deeper problem.

"I was spending a couple of hours every other night online," says George, who's now going through a divorce. He wasn't hiding his being online from his wife, only the content, but the time spent apart "contributed to our disconnect," he says.

"I didn't have my eye on the relationship."

Problems in the sack?If spending too much time online can cause an emotional disconnect, physical breakdowns may not be too far behind.

Paul, a twentysomething club promoter in Manhattan, calls himself "a wild and crazy guy" who has no trouble getting dates. Still, he likes going online for sexual gratification.

"It's such a liberating feeling," he says. "I can be totally selfish."

Stephen, a Brooklyn 30-year-old in a long-term relationship, argues that online gratification may make it easier for couples to stay faithful. He even believes it takes some sexual pressure off women.

But do the idealized women pictured online sour his expectations of his real-life sweetie?

Stephen shakes his head.

"It's like saying Bugs Bunny is going to change my expectations of the government."

When cybersex is safe
Maheu agrees that exploring sexual needs online isn't always a bad idea, but says couples have to agree about what is and isn't off-limits.

"When you talk about your relationship, you really ought to be going down the list and saying, 'Okay, what about lap dances?' 'What about looking at pornography - alone or together?'" she says. "You as a couple have to talk about it and make an agreement, and if you violate that agreement, then it's cheating."

For Betsey, dealing with her husband's addiction has been a long process; his betrayal affected her profoundly. "I doubted my own attractiveness. I doubted my own adequacy as a woman and a lover," she writes.

Her husband entered Sex Addicts Anonymous. Betsey also received counseling through a 12-step group, which helped her come to terms with his problem.

"I have experienced emotional intimacy with him when he has been able to maintain his sobriety, and I have totally fallen in love with him at those times," she writes. "I can see that he is committed to his recovery, and I can see that he is making progress."

George, meanwhile, is grateful that the information he found online led him to a better understanding of his own gender dysphoria.

"I'm sorry that my marriage was the price I had to pay, but without the Internet I could never have found a way to start dealing with this whole issue," he says. "That was the first step in accepting it for myself."

Saturday, September 19, 2015

IS IT LEGAL (redux)

We are reposting this article due to popular demand:

IS IT LEGAL (To Expose a Cheater or Abuser Online)? by EOPC


And an excerpt from a recent article along the same legal lines:

"Obviously, the men (or women) have the option of attempting to sue the person who post information about them, if they can figure out who they are. No one yet has been able to unmask a poster or sue an exposure website successfully. (as of this writing) "(Of course the women can then countersue for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS and ALIENATION OF AFFECTION (if married and allowed in their state.). Since many women develop permanent PTSD [Emotional Rape Syndrome] adrenal fatigue and severe depression from Cyberpaths - these women's claims may be easier to prove.)

If the Postings are False, Are They Defamatory?

....Moreover, "substantial truth" - truth in substance, but not in the details -- is a full defense to a defamation claim. So any man who is contesting a claim of infidelity, probably should never have been unfaithful.

The truth is a 100% defense to defamation. Those who post it can not be sued for "defamation" if they are simply reporting information. They are then covered by 'citizen journalist' rights. However, you can be sued for inciting others to harass someone, twisting facts, accusing, posting someone's address, phone or other private information online.

(EOPC's legal release requires the victim(s) to take FULL, 100% responsible for their posts and what is said. Additionally, they must hold EOPC harmless and those posted can only try to take action against the poster, not us. We are reporting and giving opinion only. EOPC can't adjudicate. We absolutely do not get involved with any of these cases (example: contacting employers, etc.) We can't diagnose or take legal action against anyone for their posts. We REQUIRE posters sign and verify they are telling the truth and leave the burden of proof to them. Many cyberpaths try to get around this by guessing who we are and then harassing who they think is us. We are still here. This is absolutely the same for other exposure sites as well. EOPC merely provides a platform and is held harmless.)

"...The owner of DontDateHimGirl who was threatened with a lawsuit, later sued and the court threw out the suit completely says:

"Most of them say that the [person] who posted [the profile] is crazy, that something is wrong with [the poster/target], that they're saints."


"If someone posted my picture/profile in a database and I learned of it but it wasn't true, then I probably wouldn't waste my time even rebutting it. Why? Because if I'm innocent, then the burden is not on me to prove such, at least not under American jurisprudence — legal or moral. And I don't use and abuse people online or off - so I am not afraid of scrutiny.

In short - its a catharsis the victims won't get anywhere else. What are the victims of these men and women to do with their anger, pain and hurt? Suck it up and allow the abuser to move on to another victim? Tell or not tell his spouse, partner or family? Stew in their feelings?"

"A former U.S. attorney Scott Christie was quoted in the New Jersey Star Ledger,

"Yes, it's all legal. If I were the owners of (such a) site, I wouldn't be concerned. They're providing an outlet for people to express their opinion.

It's much like hosting a bulletin board for people with a common interest,. People are giving their opinion about other people - they're entitled to it under the First Amendment."
And this from Canada.com:

According to a privacy lawyer from Halifax, (snip)
"If the person's reputation is in Canada, and they are in Canada, and likely the person who posted the information is in Canada, there's more than enough connection for Canadian defamation law to apply," says David T.S. Fraser, chair of the privacy practice group at McInnes Cooper. BUT he hastens to add the statements aren't considered defamatory if they're true.

"If you're a slug," says Mr. Fraser, "it's only appropriate people know you're a slug."

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

A Cyberpath's View of the World

excerpted from this great, must read site! CLICK HERE:

A Cyberpath/ Narcissist is like a vampire who drains the emotional and even physical energy out of those close to him. He identifies and cultivates his prey, using them as a source of supply to feed his never-ending egotistical needs.

Emotional Vampire Pictures, Images and Photos

Should his source not be good enough, he will dump it and can cut people off in an instant without a second thought. If he believes that the source has potential to be a good one, he will however nurture it and cultivate it carefully. This is where his charming mask comes into play.

Everyone is a source of supply to him and he cultivates this in everyone that he encounters and deals with. Those closest to him are however given the special honour of being his greatest source of narcissistic supply and will be severely punished if they falter at all.

From his family in particular the cyberpath/ narcissist demands unquestioning obedience, unwavering belief in him, complete subjugation to his whims and needs and perpetual attention.

There is another aspect to this however. The cyberpath/ narcissist does not only feed off adoration and gratitude, but on negative emotion as well. You are his mirror and as long as you are reflecting (reacting), his needs are being fed.

Often he will go out of his way to provoke a negative reaction purely so that he can get some sort of "power feed".

Remember that the mirror he is looking into is not made of glass, but of water. It is constantly moving and rippling. It is vibrant and alive. This activity seems to be a key factor for the cyberpath/ narcissist, as if it in itself validates him and makes him more real and less illusion.

When the waters get too calm and there is not enough movement, he will toss a pebble in and create some ripples just to get things going again. It gives him an enormous sense of power to know that he can so easily evoke reactions in his victims.

Even after he's been exposed he loves pushing his "false version" of events just to upset his victim.

It often seems as if the cyberpath/ narcissist is just plain bored when there isn't some drama around to feed him and, when all else fails, he will whip up a quick batch out of nothing. He will provoke you, taunt you, beat you, berate you - whatever it takes. Once you have given him sufficient response, he will finally sit back satisfied, in the same way that you or I may sit back in mellow pleasure after a good meal.

This is exactly what his dramas are to him. A good meal.

In this same vein, cyberpath/ narcissists love a good accident, a good disaster or a really juicy crisis. It doesn't matter whether it involves them or not. As long as they know about it they will make it about themselves in one way or another, wringing out of it every drop of sympathy or admiration that they possibly can.

They also love success stories, especially their own. They in fact have hundreds of success stories at hand with which to impress and win admiration. It may not be their story, but that's beside the point. Somehow they will make it theirs and if it actually belongs to someone close to them, you can be sure that they are the sole reason for that person's success.

An extremely difficult issue to come to terms with when you discover that your Cyberpath is a narcissist, is the awful, gut-wrenching realisation that this person has never loved you. They do not love, period. The only concept of love that they possess is the realization that it matters to the rest of us and it is therefore something that they can use. A weapon in their well-stocked arsenal.

To the abuser you are no more than an object for self-gratification. Like a desk or a chair. Sex with you is merely sex with a 'blow-up doll with a pulse.' You have no individual identity, which is why they get so enraged when you act as if you do. Your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors are meant to exist and be employed for one purpose only - to make the narcissist look good and feel satisfied.

This is why he is so hell-bent on controlling every aspect of you and your life. - In his view of the world, it all belongs to him.

He is a demi-god. He believes that he can destroy you. This creative power of his applies to every aspect of everyone in his life. Without him you would be nothing and it frustrates him enormously when you refuse to realize this and grovel in gratitude that he even bothered to pay attention to you.

If you have a narcissistic Cyberpath in your life, please come to terms with the fact that you are not going to change him or her. The potential that you are clinging to is an illusion, the nice guy that you sometimes see is a manipulative mask, the dream of happy ever after is a pipe dream and the concept of love overcoming all is delusional. For love to have power, it has to exist in the first place. With a Cyberpath it doesn't and there is about a 99.9% chance that it never will.

If you think that your love for them can overcome on its own, you are engaged in magical thinking. These people are unreachable because they choose to be and it is a choice that nothing you do or feel can ever change.
Probably the most important thing to remember with a Cyberpath is that you will never win. They are beyond being rational, they do not listen to anyone else unless it is about them and when they do catch the odd thing that you have said they will normally distort it and use it against you at some stage.

Never ever show any weakness with them because they will store it away - for a lifetime if necessary - and use it against you (or someone else) some day. They go for the jugular because that is the quickest access point to maximum blood and this is exactly what they are after - your very life blood.

(though this article was written in the masculine, your Cyberpath may be female.)

Monday, July 20, 2015


Site’s hackers claim 37m personal records have been stolen from notorious dating site, with Cougar Life and Established Men also compromised
The Ashley Madison website
The Ashley Madison website. Photograph: Screengrab
by Alex Hern

Hackers have stolen and leaked personal information from online cheating site Ashley Madison, an international dating site with the tagline: “Life is short. Have an affair.”

The site, which encourages married users to cheat on their spouses and advertises 37 million members, had its data hacked by a group calling itself the Impact Team. At least two other dating sites, Cougar Life and Established Men, also owned by the same parent group, Avid Life Media, have had their data compromised.

The Impact Team claims to have complete access to the company’s database, including not only user records for every single member, but also the financial records of ALM and other proprietary information. For now, the group has released just 40MB of data, including credit card details and several ALM documents.

According to the information security journalist Brian Krebs, who broke the news, ALM has confirmed that the hacked material is genuine, and the company is working to remove from the net the material that has already been posted. But the initial leak is just a taster, according to the Impact Team, which accompanied the data with a manifesto threatening release of further information if Ashley Madison and Established Men are not permanently closed.

“Avid Life Media has been instructed to take Ashley Madison and Established Men offline permanently in all forms, or we will release all customer records, including profiles with all the customers’ secret sexual fantasies and matching credit card transactions, real names and addresses, and employee documents and emails. The other websites may stay online,” the group’s statement reads.

The hackers’ main point of contention is with the fact that Ashley Madison charges users a fee of £15 to carry out a “full delete” of their information if they decide to leave the site. Although users have the option of permanently hiding their profile free of charge, the company’s advertisements claim that the full delete service is the only way to completely remove their information from the servers.
But the hackers say that that claim is “a complete lie”.

“Users almost always pay with credit card; their purchase details are not removed as promised, and include real name and address, which is of course the most important information the users want removed,” they allege.

ALM believes it has identified the perpetrator of the hack, which it says was likely an inside job. “We’re on the doorstep of [confirming] who we believe is the culprit, and unfortunately that may have triggered this mass publication,” the company’s chief executive, Noel Biderman, told Krebs. “I’ve got their profile right in front of me, all their work credentials. It was definitely a person here that was not an employee but certainly had touched our technical services.”

The data dump seems to back-up that theory to a certain extent, specifically apologising to the company’s director of security. “You did everything you could, but nothing you could have done could have stopped this,” the manifesto reads.

In a statement, ALM said: “We apologise for this unprovoked and criminal intrusion into our customers’ information. The current business world has proven to be one in which no company’s online assets are safe from cyber-vandalism, with Avid Life Media being only the latest among many companies to have been attacked, despite investing in the latest privacy and security technologies.

“At this time, we have been able to secure our sites, and close the unauthorised access points. We are working with law enforcement agencies, which are investigating this criminal act. Any and all parties responsible for this act of cyber–terrorism will be held responsible.”

Ashley Madison, along with a number of other dating sites, had already been criticised for the lack of care taken over customer information at least once before. In 2012, the online rights campaign group EFF examined eight popular dating sites, and found that just one, Zoosk, carried out simple security precautions such as enabling encrypted connections by default. In the EFF’s study, however, Ashley Madison was explicitly praised for deleting data after users closed their account.

ALM later said it had used the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DCMA) to demand the removal of online posts about the incident “as well as all personally identifiable information about our users published online.”

Posts on Twitter which had apparently earlier linked to pages containing hacked material were now bringing up “page not found” results, the Guardian found.

ALM also said it is now offering its full-delete option free to any customer to help them protect their privacy.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Beware of Scammers on Tinder

Have you grown tired of snuggling with your cat on Saturday nights while your friends are out enjoying couples bliss? 

Then you’ve likely been on the hunt for a relationship. This can sometimes become a long and frustrating process. 

If you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places and decided to start an online search, beware. Romance scams have been cropping up again lately, and unsuspecting lonely hearts are being bilked out of thousands of dollars. The most recent version of this scam involves the mobile dating app Tinder. 

Unfortunately, Tinder’s popularity has made it a magnet for scammers. The Better Business Bureau released a warning for consumers, alerting them to scammers who are using Tinder to spread malware or obtain money. 

Instant attraction 
The scam usually starts with you browsing for profiles, and then receiving an immediate response from a match as soon as you swipe right to communicate interest. After a lengthy messaging session (the fraudster is trying to get you buttered up so you’ll let your guard down), your potential suitor will then suggest texting instead of continuing to communicate through Tinder. 

Trouble in paradise 
And that’s when the trouble begins. Your new match may start telling you about a new service or product that you should try. The Better Business Bureau says the scammer will usually send a link with referral codes. This is done so that the spammer will receive payment for referring new customers. Then, you’ll be asked to download an app, but once you click on the link that was provided, your phone is infected with malware. Furthermore, some scammers will request personal information such as your address, pretending that they need this information so they can send you a romantic gift. 

The Better Business Bureau gives these tips for spotting a Tinder Scam: 

1. You receive a lighting-fast response 
If you are a little suspicious of a fast response from a Tinder suitor, your instincts may be accurate. The Better Business Bureau says that some of the Tinder profiles are not real, but are in fact spam bots. If you get a message immediately after you are matched, proceed with caution. 

2. The scammer pressures you to communicate outside of Tinder 
Another red flag is if the new guy or gal fires off multiple messages and then tries to get you off Tinder as soon as possible. The spammer may suggest text or chat. The BBB says it is common for Tinder users to move on to a text conversation but that a spammer will make this suggestion almost right away. 

3. You don’t have their attention 
Be even more suspicious if the answers to your questions don’t make sense. This could be a sign that answers have been automated. The BBB suggests asking a few questions to see if the responses add up. If you get crazy answers, it’s time to shut the conversation down. 

4. Their photo is too good to be true 

Be leery of Tinder users who post glamour shots. Unfortunately, that toned hottie drenched in baby oil may not be the real deal. So if you’re drooling over your match’s photo, be prepared for disappointment. While we hope that’s not the case and you find your love connection, don’t be surprised if you end up with more than you bargained for — and not in a good way. 

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Man Pleads Guilty to $1 Million Online Romance Scam

(USA) A Maryland man has pleaded guilty to defrauding people on online dating services of more than $1 million by pretending to be romantically interested in them.

Thirty-three-year-old Krist Koranteng, who has addresses in Burtonsville and Laurel, guilty to mail and wire fraud conspiracy money laundering Wednesday in federal court in Greenbelt.

According to his plea agreement, Koranteng and others searched online dating websites to initiate romantic relationships with men and women, including several elderly people.

Prosecutors say Koranteng and others used false stories and promises to convince the victims to send money via checks and wire transfer.

Koranteng faces a maximum sentence of 20 years in prison and will be ordered to pay more than $1 million in restitution at sentencing on July 2.