UPDATE

AS OF JANUARY 1, 2013 - POSTING ON THIS BLOG WILL NO LONGER BE 'DAILY'. SWITCHING TO 'OCCASIONAL' POSTING.

Monday, January 12, 2015

THE LURES OF THE ONLINE PREDATOR

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(almost 10 years old but still timely!)

The excerpts used are from the book THE ART OF SEDUCTION by Robert Greene. Many of these seduction techniques are time-tested and often used in sales & marketing as well as the training of Neuro-Linguistic Programming for salesmen and advertising persons.

For anyone who thinks those "seduce women now" sites are total b.s. - think again. There are 1000s of sites to teach predator HOW TO all over the internet. Some even FREE & interactive. This is powerful, covert stuff that can penetrate even the smartest minds. BEWARE


By the way, did you know that more intelligent people are EASIER to hypnotise? Ask any certified hypnotist and check this fact OUT!

COMMENTS in Dark Blue & Italics are the EOPC Team's and not Mr. Greene's. Other Dark Blue areas in Greene's excerpt are our emphasis only.

HOW TO DO IT

1-CHOOSE THE RIGHT VICTIM

Everything depends on the target of your seduction. Study your prey thoroughly, and choose only those who will prove susceptible to your charms. The right victims are those for whom you can fill a void, who see in you something exotic. They are often isolated or at least somewhat unhappy (perhaps because of recent adverse circumstances), or can easily be made so-for the completely contented person is almost impossible to seduce. The perfect victim has some natural quality that attracts you. The strong emotions this quality inspires will help make your seductive maneuvers seem more natural and dynamic. The perfect victim allows for the perfect chase.

Picking up vulnerable, abused - by parents or partners, disabled, unhappily married, separated and/or despondent people online is the cyberpath's stock in trade.

AND STAY OFF ALL THE ONLINE DATING SITES -
WHERE CYBERPATHS' CAMP OUT!

2-CREATE A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY- APPROACH INDIRECTLY

If you are too direct early on, you risk stirring up a resistance that will never be lowered. At first there must be nothing of the seducer in your manner. The seduction should begin at an angle, indirectly, so that the target only gradually becomes aware of you. Haunt the periphery of your target's life-approach through a third party, or seem to cultivate a relatively neutral relationship, moving gradually from friend to lover. Arrange an occasional "chance" encounter, as if you and your target were destined to become acquainted-nothing is more seductive than a sense of destiny. Lull the target into feeling secure, then strike.

Did he tell you that you & he had SO much in common? Did they get you into chatting about life, politics, your family, philosophy? Did they make themselves a confidant and "confide" in you as well? Did they tell you you were the ONLY one who understood them?

3-SEND MIXED SIGNALS

Once people are aware of your presence, and perhaps vaguely intrigued, you need to stir their interest before it settles on someone else. What is obvious and striking may attract their attention at first, but that attention is often short-lived; in the long run, ambiguity is much more potent. Most of us are much too obvious-instead, be hard to figure out. Send mixed signals: both tough and tender, both spiritual and earthy, both innocent and cunning. A mix of qualities suggests depth, which fascinates even as it confuses. An elusive, enigmatic aura will make people want to know more, drawing them into your circle. Create such a power by hinting at something contradictory within you.
Did they say things that made you think WTF?
Did they make comments and then tell you they 'didn't want to talk about it anymore'?
Did you feel they were churning inside and you could "help" them?
Did they use Confusion Technique talk with you or "word salad"?
Stuff that made you think HUH... yet, you felt funny about calling them on it?


4-APPEAR TO BE AN OBJECT OF DESIRE- CREATE TRIANGLES

Few are drawn to the person whom others avoid or neglect; people gather around those who have already attracted interest. We want what other people want. To draw your victims closer and make them hungry to possess you, you must create an aura of desirability - of being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for them to be the preferred object of your attention, to win you away from a crowd of admirers. Manufacture the illusion of popularity by surrounding yourself with members of the opposite sex-friends, former lovers, present suitors. Create triangles that stimulate rivalry and raise your value. Build a reputation that precedes you: if many have succumbed to your charms, there must be a reason.

Did they have the spouse who would DIE if they knew the person you are chatting with didn't love them anyone? Did they tell you their former fiance or partner was the best sexual partner ever and/or they still talk frequently with them? Did they miss their "past glories" because all they wanted to do was "please" someone and "make them happy?" Did they suggest they might be looking for something a little better.... even a little better than you? Of course they would NEVER come right out and say that! Do a search on TRIANGULATION - an online predator's FAVORITE 'position.'

5-CREATE A NEED: STIR ANXIETY AND DISCONTENT

A perfectly satisfied person cannot be seduced. Tension and disharmony must be instilled in your targets' minds. Stir within them feelings of discontent, an unhappiness with their circumstances and with themselves: their life lacks adventure, they have strayed from the ideals of their youth, they have become boring. The feelings of inadequacy that you create will give you space to insinuate yourself, to make them see you as the answer to their problems. Pain and anxiety are the proper precursors to pleasure. Learn to manufacture the need that you can fill.

Did they help you understand how bad your current relationship is/was? Did they know you as someone so much more than your partner? Did they tell you they liked who you were inside even if you are fat or ill? Did they tell you that you & they could help & support each other emotionally? Did they make you feel more wanted than you have been in years?

6-MASTER THE ART OF INSINUATION

Making your targets feel dissatisfied and in need of your attention is essential, but if you are too obvious, they will see through you and grow defensive. There is no known defense, however, against insinuation-the art of planting ideas in people's minds by dropping elusive hints that take root days later, even appearing to them as their own idea. Insinuation is the supreme means of influencing people. Create a sublanguage-bold statements followed by retraction and apology, ambiguous comments, banal talk combined with alluring glances-that enters the target's unconscious to convey your real meaning. Make everything suggestive.
  • Did they try to initiate cybersex and when you said no - apologize profusely?
  • Or tell you of an erotic dream and then say they feel so bad they told you if it offended you?
  • Did they send you erotic cards or pictures and insist your online relationship was NOT about sex but "oh so much more."
  • Did they suggest a hotel room? A clandestine meeting? A weekend away? Just the two of you? To "comfort" each other?
  • Did they tell you they "wished" they could have a "fantasy weekend away" with someone that REALLY cared about them - without saying that person might be YOU?
  • Did you feel almost compelled to throw yourself at them to 'end their pain' and loneliness?

7-
ENTER THEIR SPIRIT

Most people are locked in their own worlds, making them stubborn and hard to persuade. The way to lure them out of their shell and set up your seduction is to enter their spirit. Play by their rules, enjoy what they enjoy, adapt yourself to their moods. In doing so you will stroke their deep-rooted narcissism and lower their defenses. Hypnotized by the mirror image you present, they will open up, becoming vulnerable to your subtle influence. Soon you can shift the dynamic: once you have entered their spirit you can make them enter yours, at a point when it is too late to turn back. Indulge your targets' every mood and whim, giving them nothing to react against or resist.

Did they seem to be so much like you it was eerie?
If you were Christian, they were Christian? If you were Agnostic, they were agnostic? and so on?
Did you find them mirroring you? Stealing your words, phrases, thoughts and even parts of your personality? If the relationship is over, did you meet someone else who told you about the predator and what was told them and realize "that was MY story" and they told it as if it was their own!


8-CREATE TEMPTATION

Lure the target deep into your seduction by creating the proper temptation: a glimpse of the pleasures to come. As the serpent tempted Eve with the promise of forbidden knowledge, you must awaken a desire in your targets that they cannot control. Find that weakness of theirs, that fantasy that has yet to be realized, and hint that you can lead them toward it. It could be wealth, it could be adventure, it could be forbidden and guilty pleasures; the key is to keep it vague. Dangle the prize before their eyes, postponing satisfaction, and let their minds do the rest. The future seems ripe with possibility. Stimulate a curiosity stronger than the doubts and anxieties that go with it, and they will follow you.

Was your real-life relationship stale or abusive? No sex? Never went out anywhere? Never travelled anymore? Broke? Did they offer you "REAL LOVE"? was the word "SOULMATE" used often? Were their sexual innuedos erotic & exciting? Did they offer to take you places? Dinners? Theatre? Trips? Did they offer you gifts? To pay your plane fare?

9-KEEP THEM IN SUSPENSE- WHAT COMES NEXT?
The moment people feel they know what to expect from you, your spell on them is broken. More: you have ceded them power. The only way to lead the seduced along and keep the upper hand is to create suspense, a calculated surprise. People love a mystery, and this is the key to luring them farther into your web. Behave in a way that leaves them wondering, What are you up to? Doing something they do not expect from you will give them a delightful sense of spontaneity-they will not be able to foresee what comes next. You are always one step ahead and in control. Give the victim a thrill with a sudden change of direction.

Did they suddenly disappear from IM or Chat for days or weeks? No explanation? Did emails go unresponded to? Did they seem to want to talk to you or be with you one minute and to get rid of you the next? Did they leave the computer for a "few minutes" never to return. Did they say they were going to bed and yet their available IM light was still on? Did you get an odd email saying "sorry we keep missing each other" when you were online at the same time as them and they NEVER ever IM'd to say hello or didn't answer if you IM'd them?

10-USE THE DEMONIC POWER OF WORDS TO SOW CONFUSION
It is hard to make people listen; they are consumed with their own thoughts and desires, and have little time for yours. The trick to making them listen is to say what they want to hear, to fill their ears with whatever is pleasant to them. This is the essence of seductive language. Inflame people's emotions with loaded phrases, flatter them, comfort their insecurities, envelop them in fantasies, sweet words, and promises, and not only will they listen to you, they will lose their will to resist you. Keep your language vague, letting them read into it what they want. Use writing to stir up fantasies and to create an idealized portrait of yourself.

Were they the best partner but unappreciated? the all-star at work? the better parent? the religious altruist? the truth & justice commando? Did they portray themselves as sweet but misunderstood? As imperfect but trying so hard? Was the sexual or romantic talk absolutely mind-blowing? THIS IS A FORM OF MIND CONTROL!!! Did you find it hard to think or function sometimes because of the drug-like nature of this online relationship?

11-PAY ATTENTION TO DETAIL

Lofty words and grand gestures can be suspicious: why are you trying so hard to please? The details of a seduction-the subtle gestures, the offhand things you do-are often more charming and revealing. You must learn to distract your victims with a myriad of pleasant little rituals-thoughtful gifts tailored just for them, clothes and adornments designed to please them, gestures that show the time and attention you are paying them. All of their senses are engaged in the details you orchestrate. Create spectacles to dazzle their eyes; mesmerized by what they see, they will not notice what you are really up to. Learn to suggest the proper feelings and moods through details.

The online predator's verbal slight of hand is overwhelming. Even to a smart & savvy person. If they are in a bad relationship, always ask how they are feeling? Had you been to the doctor? What did your doctor say? Are you upset? Something happen? Death in your family? Did they offer their 'strong arms' and warm cyber-embrace? Do they seem to care about the little things in your life like no one else? All part of the bait!

12-POETICIZE YOUR PRESENCE

Important things happen when your targets are alone: the slightest feeling of relief that you are not there, and it is all over. Familiarity and overexposure will cause this reaction. Remain elusive, then, so that when you are away, they will yearn to see you again, and will only associate you with pleasant thoughts. Occupy their minds by alternating an exciting presence with a cool distance, exuberant moments followed by calculated absences. Associate yourself with poetic images and objects, so that when they think of you, they begin to see you through an idealized halo. The more you figure in their minds, the more they will envelop you in seductive fantasies. Feed these fantasies by subtle inconsistencies and changes in your behavior.

Online psychopaths are masters at this. As pointed out above - did they disappear from the net or from you for days or weeks without a word? You call their cell phone and got voicemail? Are they busy for a while, off to work conference or with family for a while? Can't talk to you because something's come up and they are SO SORRY. Yet when they do "pop" on to say hi they are VERY concerned about YOU and said "HI" because they were 'thinking of you so much' and 'upset that they haven't been there for you.' RIGHT......

13-DISARM THROUGH STRATEGIC WEAKNESS AND VULNERABILITY

Too much maneuvering on your part may raise suspicion. The best way to cover your tracks is to make the other person feel superior and stronger. If you seem to be weak, vulnerable, enthralled by the other person, and unable to control yourself, you will make your actions look more natural, less calculated. Physical weakness-tears, bashfulness, paleness-will help create the effect. To further win trust, exchange honesty for virtue: establish your "sincerity" by confessing some sin on your part-it doesn't have to be real. Sincerity is more important than goodness. Play the victim, then transform your target's sympathy into love.

  • Did you hear phrases like "sometimes when I talk to you I feel I can't control myself"?
  • Or did they tell you that you were "too good" for them?
  • Did they say "if you really knew me, you'd leave me" or "I wish I was as good as you think I am."
  • Were they STRUGGLING with their feelings and fears about you? Getting so close to someone 'scaring' them?
  • Did they do something STUPID and 'confess' to you about it?
  • Did they give you the impression that you were the only person they could TRUST?

14-
CONFUSE DESIRE & REALITY: THE PERFECT ILLUSION
To compensate for the difficulties in their lives, people spend a lot of their time daydreaming, imagining a future full of adventure, success, and romance. If you can create the illusion that through you they can live out their dreams, you will have them at your mercy. It is important to start slowly, gaining their trust, and gradually constructing the fantasy that matches their desires. Aim at secret wishes that have been thwarted or repressed, stirring up uncontrollable emotions, clouding their powers of reason. The perfect illusion is one that does not depart too much from reality, but has a touch of the unreal to it, like a waking dream. Lead the seduced to a point of confusion in which they can no longer tell the difference between illusion and reality.

Any of this sound familiar? "if only things were different" or "if/when we are together" or "you are my soulmate" or "it scares me how I feel about you" or "I know we were together in another life" or "if only I'd met you years ago" or "I can't wait to see you" or "we are going to have such a good time when we get together" or "thank goodness I finally met someone who likes _____ also. This will be a blast!" or "I have to thank God for making someone as perfect for me as you, now I don't feel so alone!"

15-ISOLATE THE VICTIM

An isolated person is weak. By slowly isolating your victims, you make them more vulnerable to your influence. Their isolation may be psychological: by filling their field of vision through the pleasurable attention you pay them, you crowd out everything else in their mind. They see and think only of you. The isolation may also be physical: you take them away from their normal milieu, friends, family, home. Give them the sense of being marginalized, in limbo-they are leaving one world behind and entering another. Once isolated like this, they have no outside support, and in their confusion they are easily lead astray. Lure the seduced into your lair, where nothing is familiar.

Online relationships are already like this. In another article posted on this site - it confirms the mental states reached when one is online. Trance and dissociative states. Also, being online gives a person bravery they might not have in person.
  • Did they tell you to PLEASE keep the relationship a secret?
  • Or not to tell or talk to someone you both know or people you both see in chat rooms?
  • Or to not tell other friends about your "special" relationship or your "treasure"?
  • Do they ask when your spouse, family or partner is gone or asleep?
  • Do they discourage you when you say you are going out to do XYZ that it might not be 'good' for you? Or that reading certain books or sites 'might not be the best option'?
  • Are they narrowing your field of vision?
  • Do you feel that you & they have something 'sacred' you dare not 'contaminate' by telling others about it?
  • Does that sound NORMAL to you?

The MINUTE they tell you "not to talk to" someone or "not to tell" : Make it your business to talk to the FORBIDDEN person(s) - they might know something about your online 'friend' that is crucial or have been played by the predator themselves! And BELIEVE THEM. Do NOT BELIEVE the "scorned woman" or "hell hath no fury" or "he's crazy" stuff you will hear from your online friend - as much as you might want to. HEALTHY PEOPLE don't need to smear others!


16-PROVE YOURSELF
Most people want to be seduced. If they resist your efforts, it is probably because you have not gone far enough to allay their doubts-about your motives, the depth of your feelings, and so on. One well-timed action that shows how far you are willing to go to win them over will dispel their doubts. Do not worry about looking foolish or making a mistake-any kind of deed that is self-sacrificing and for your targets' sake will so overwhelm their emotions, they won't notice anything else. Never appear discouraged by people's resistance, or complaints. Instead, meet the challenge by doing something extreme or chivalrous. Conversely, spur others to prove themselves by making yourself hard to reach, unattainable, worth fighting over.

  • When you questioned them about things that seemed off and red flags - did they have explanation? Offer you 'hard proof'?
  • Did they do something to "make up for" their absences or gaffs? Did they do little things to "perk you up"? Like send you an ecard or flowers just to say hi.
  • Did they do things to "make you feel better"?
  • Did they say things like "I will do anything to make you happy?"
  • Offer you small private glimpses into their lives to prove they are ok?
  • Send you pictures (supposedly) of themselves with their parents? other friends? kids? And did they ask you to do the same?

17-
EFFECT A REGRESSION

People who have experienced a certain kind of pleasure in the past will try to repeat or relive it. The deepest-rooted and most pleasurable memories are usually those from earliest childhood, and are often unconsciously associated with a parental figure. Bring your targets back to that point by placing yourself in the oedipal triangle and positioning them as the needy child. Unaware of the cause of their emotional response, they will fall in love with you. Alternatively, you too can regress, letting them play the role of the protecting, nursing parent. In either case you are offering the ultimate fantasy: the chance to have an intimate relationship with mommy or daddy, son or daughter.

Stand up for you? Tell you the sort of things you wish your mom or dad had told you? Offer you the sort of verbal and emotional support your current partner never does? Or were they someone you knew from high school, college or a past job who just 'happened' to look you up online or just 'stumbled' on your name & email?

All sorts of reunion sites & social networking are becoming very popular for the cyberpath to go back and rework past targets. If you were a past target they can also use the "but you KNOW me" talk to regain your confidence while getting ready to use you.


18-STIR UP THE TRANSGRESSIVE & TABOO
There are always social limits on what one can do. Some of these, the most elemental taboos, go back centuries; others are more superficial, simply defining polite and acceptable behavior. Making your targets feel that you are leading them past either kind of limit is immensely seductive. People yearn to explore their dark side. Not everything in romantic love is supposed to be tender and soft; hint that you have a cruel, even sadistic streak. You do not respect age differences, marriage vows, family ties. Once the desire to transgress draws your targets to you, it will be hard for them to stop. Take them farther than they imagined-the shared feeling of guilt and complicity will create a powerful bond.

  • Did they talk you into cybersex or phone sex? Just this once? Tell you they had "never done this before"?
  • Did they tell you some dark desire and then immediately apologize and swear they won't talk about it again.
  • Did they tell you "I saw a hooker once but if my wife knew she'd leave me" and "I only use porn because I am so lonely"?
  • Did they tell you their past relationship was very complicated because of things you would NEVER get involved with and then say it was the past PARTNER who caused the problem? Or that the partner was "deceased" and their children would "never understand the two of you." That they still care for the past partner but that it was "more than they could deal with".

Are you SURE it was the past partner and not PROJECTION on their part? Also if other people who know this person, such as chat room friends, tell you to watch out - LISTEN TO THEM!!


Also if they INSIST that you delete all chats? or emails? DON'T!!! Copy them to a disk and keep in a safe place. You may need them later and copies can be massaged to give up ISPs, sources codes and so on. Even if you have to lie - DELETE NOTHING once the online friendship turns to "more."

19-USE SPIRITUAL LURES

Everyone has doubts and insecurities-about their body, their self-worth, their sexuality. If your seduction appeals exclusively to the physical, you will stir up these doubts and make your targets self-conscious. Instead, lure them out of their insecurities by making them focus on something sublime and spiritual: a religious experience, a lofty work of art, the occult. Play up your divine qualities; affect an air of discontent with worldly things; speak of the stars, destiny, the hidden threads that unite you and the object of the seduction. Lost in a spiritual mist, the target will feel light and uninhibited.

Deepen the effect of your seduction by making its sexual culmination seem like the 'spiritual union of two souls.
'

  • Have you & they spent hours talking about God, philosophy and spirituality?
  • Is this person deeper than you ever imagined? (or appearing that way?)
  • Do they tell you about your past lives together? you being twin souls or soulmates?
  • That it was destiny not the internet that brought you together. That you have a special energy?
  • That you give them goosebumps just being online with them?
  • They can feel you without being in the same room with you? Maybe that's possible but don't you wonder where they LEARNED lines like that?
  • Are they REALLY going to be honest and tell you about all their other online targets?
  • Do they tell you your age, waistline or physical/ mental illness is of 'no consequence' because it is "obvious you are beautiful on the inside"?

One of the most priceless lines we ever heard was "
We have been more intimate online than we ever could be in person." Answer? Cyberpaths sometimes can't have sex with a normal woman. They are so used to looking at porn babes & hookers or masturbating (having sex with themselves) they are unable to perform in normal circumstances. At least not with any regularity. So, they dump you while trying to appear ethical about it.
(Sheesh if you are going to dump & devalue someone - be STRAIGHT WITH THEM!)


20-MIX PLEASURE WITH PAIN
The greatest mistake in seduction is being too nice. At first, perhaps, your kindness is charming, but it soon grows monotonous; you are trying too hard to please, and seem insecure. Instead of overwhelming your targets with niceness, try inflicting some pain. Lure them in with focused attention, then change direction, appearing suddenly uninterested. Make them guilty and insecure. Even instigate a breakup, subjecting them to an emptiness and pain that will give you room to maneuver-now a rapprochement, an apology, a return to your earlier kindness, will turn them weak at the knees. The lower the lows you create, the greater the highs. To heighten the erotic charge, create the excitement of fear.

O.K. heard any of THESE lines? (designed for YOU to leave them so they can play martyr with the next victim)
  • "If you want I will go away and not chat with you anymore" or "if this relationship is causing you pain, maybe we should end it"
  • Are they pulling away and trying to make it seem like your idea or they are doing you a favor?
  • Have they spent time online with you waxing poetic about a past girl/boyfriend as if that person was the Holy Grail or 'the one that got away'; And you feel like chopped liver after listening to that 'confession'?
  • Or was your online fun interrupted by reality and that person said "my partner found out" and disappeared, blocking you & your emails?
  • Or that "its best we don't talk for a while" and IF and when they return they "missed you so much."
  • Do they seem to play come-to-me-go-away? As if they can't 'make up their minds to be with you?
  • Have you tried to cut it off only to have them email you or people you both know BEGGING you to talk to them again?

21-
GIVE THEM SPACE TO FALL: THE PURSUER IS PURSUED

If your targets become too used to you as the aggressor, they will give less of their own energy, and the tension will slacken. You need to wake them up, turn the tables. Once they are under your spell, take a step back and they will start to come after you. Begin with a touch of aloofness, an unexpected nonappearance, a hint that you are growing bored. Stir the pot by seeming interested in someone else. Make none of this explicit; let them only sense it and their imagination will do the rest, creating the doubt you desire. Soon they will want to possess you physically, and restraint will go out the window. The goal is to have them fall into your arms of their own will. Create the illusion that the seducer is being seduced.

Did they tell you its more fun when YOU are the aggressor now? Or that the online thing was getting tedious? If there was cybersex did they tell you they want REAL? Did they suggest you are throwing yourself at them? Remember WHO started the relationship!

22-USE PHYSICAL LURES
Targets with active minds are dangerous: if they see through your manipulations, they may suddenly develop doubts. Put their minds gently to rest, and waken their dormant senses, by combining a nondefensive attitude with a charged sexual presence. While your cool, nonchalant air is calming their minds and lowering their inhibitions, your glances, voice, and bearing-oozing sex and desire-are getting under their skin, agitating their senses and raising their temperature. Never force the physical; instead infect your targets with heat, lure them into lust. Lead them into the moment-an intensified present in which morality, judgment, and concern for the future all melt away and the body succumbs to pleasure.

"This is so wrong but so right!" or
"I just can't do this - it would hurt you/ both of us/ our families" or
"I didn't mean for it to get this way - even though I want you."
Haul out the puke bucket when they start with that stuff!


23-MASTER THE ART OF THE BOLD MOVE
A moment has arrived: your victim clearly desires you, but is not ready to admit it openly, let alone act on it. This is the time to throw aside chivalry, kindness, and coquetry and to overwhelm with a bold move. Don't give the victim time to consider the consequences; and create conflict, stir up tension, so that the bold move comes as a great release. Showing hesitation or awkwardness means you are thinking of yourself, as opposed to being overwhelmed by the victim's charms. Never hold back or meet the target halfway, under the belief that you are being correct and considerate; you must be seductive now, not political. One person must go on the offensive, and it is you.

Heard this or something like it? - "this is so hard for me to say but I think I love you" or "I have fallen in love with you" or "I can't go another day without you". Sorry, you can't LOVE someone you have NEVER MET IN PERSON. Don't buy it. You can 'love' the image they are presenting or the attention they are giving you - but until you meet IN PERSON and spend some time together, meet their families, see how they interact with the public for a few months (not time in bed) will you know if this is someone you can really LOVE or if its just the lust of the lonely.

24-BEWARE THE AFTER-EFFECTS

Danger follows in the aftermath of a successful seduction. After emotions have reached a pitch, they often swing in the opposite direction-toward lassitude, distrust, disappointment. Beware of the long, drawn-out goodbye; insecure, the victim will cling and claw, and both sides will suffer. If you are to part, make the sacrifice swift and sudden. If necessary, deliberately break the spell you have created. If you are to stay in a relationship, beware a flagging of energy, a creeping familiarity that will spoil the fantasy. If the game is to go on, a second seduction is required. Never let the other person take you for granted-use absence, create pain and conflict, to keep the seduced on tenterhooks.

The psychological harm caused when predators just abandon their targets is filling many psychologist's offices these days. Many therapists are clueless how to truly help these people heal, as relationships with pathologicals are different and the victims must be deprogrammed.

There is no closure with these psychopaths. They beg for you to "let them start a new life" or "I am sorry I hurt you but I have to go." Some even pretend to be someone else and send you a 'So & So Died' email. Don't buy it!

Rather than owning and dealing with what they have done to you and everyone around both of you - they withdraw and try to erase what occurred between you as if it never happened.

You may even be slandered by the predator who tells people you are harassing them when you are looking for closure. Don't expect closure.

A real person would apologize and possibly work to reframe the whole relationship, bringing normalcy and light into it. The relationship might then end on its own or become what it should have been all along.


But don't hold your breath. Online psychopaths rarely do that. They almost never allow their targets to vent their rage and confusion. They simply run and start over.

Some even try to reinvent themselves as normal humans and make contrition to their immediately families until things get comfortable enough for them to do it again.


Expose these people for what they are so they don't harm others. Don't stoop to their level of lies & defamation - just tell the truth and back it up.

And if you really still care about them? Expose them so they stop harming THEMSELVES as well.


APPENDIX A:
SEDUCTIVE ENVIRONMENTS/ SEDUCTIVE TIME
In seduction, your victims must slowly come to feel an inner change. Under your influence, they lower their defenses, feeling free to act differently, to be a different person. Certain places, environments, and experiences will greatly aid you in your quest to change and transform the seduced. Spaces with a theatrical, heightened quality-opulence, glittering surfaces, a playful spirit-create a buoyant, childlike feeling that make it hard for the victim to think straight. The creation of an altered sense of time has a similar effect-memorable, dizzying moments that stand out, a mood of festival and play. You must make your victims feel that being with you gives them a different experience from being in the real world.

This is so easy to do online!! People already have dissociative states when online and feel "melded" to their computers. They want the fantasy or at least the escape from everyday pain they aren't getting. Online gaming rooms, chats, and so on give people freedom to be "anyone you want them to be." The internet is great but relationships are for real life! If this person refuses to introduce you to their friends or even meet you within 6 weeks of chatting with you? Say goodbye. And the MINUTE you see a red flag - back off. This isn't the love of your life - its the lure of the predator!

CROSS POSTED HERE

Friday, December 19, 2014

Plenty of Fish Online Dating Site Leads to a Rape



By Steve Schmadeke; Chicago Tribune

On a cool fall night in 2009, a 38-year-old west suburban woman went out on a date with a public-relations executive she had recently met online.

The woman was supposed to meet up later that night with her younger sister. But after increasingly worrisome texts — including one that said "please help me" — the sister took a cab to the Lincoln Park neighborhood and with the help of staff finally located her in a hotel room, half naked and sobbing, according to testimony at a trial this week.

On Thursday, a Cook County jury took little more than 90 minutes to convict the executive, Ignacio Carrillo, who prosecutors alleged had drugged the woman before raping her.

Carrillo, 40, still faces trial for allegedly sexually assaulting another woman he met through the same dating site — Plenty of Fish — in 2011. He was charged in both alleged sexual assaults only after the second victim came forward.

Assistant State's Attorney Tom Prisco told jurors during closing arguments earlier Thursday that "under the guise of some sort of romantic evening, he would buy them drinks and then rape them."

"It's been a long five years," the victim told the Tribune after the guilty verdict was announced at the Leighton Criminal Court Building. "I'm glad that someone finally listened."

The victim had reported the 2009 assault at a Lincoln Park hotel to police, but she initially declined to move forward with the prosecution of Carrillo, according to trial testimony. However, she changed her mind when police contacted her after the second victim came forward.

According to trial testimony, Carrillo took the woman to two bars on Oct. 15, 2009, and then a hotel at 601 W. Diversey Parkway, but she remembered only bits and pieces of what happened despite drinking only a glass of wine and a single shot.

When the woman realized she was in a hotel room and tried to leave, Carrillo yanked her back inside and raped her, prosecutors said.

The sister eventually found the hotel she was staying at, grabbed her sister and ran as Carrillo lay "smirking" on the bed, according to testimony.

The victim's younger sister told the Tribune she had to scramble after getting the text that her sister needed help.

"I thank the taxicab driver, wherever he is, for getting me there," she said.

Carrillo, who faces 4 to 15 years in prison, showed no emotion but dropped his eyes when a judge ordered him taken into custody after the verdict.

His attorney, Daniel Radakovich, argued to jurors that the 2009 victim reported being raped because she was disgusted with herself after a one night stand with someone she didn't like.

Prosecutors were allowed to put on evidence at the trial about the alleged 2011 sexual assault to allow jurors to weigh Carrillo's propensity to commit the 2009 rape.

The alleged victim in that case, now 36 and a married mother of two, testified earlier this week that Carrillo ordered her a martini while she was in the bathroom at a Lincoln Park bar while they were out on a date.

She said Carrillo grew angry when she took only a sip from the drink. He poured what he said was olive juice into the drink, telling her to stir it in so she got "the roofie," slang for a date rape drug. The woman testified she thought at the time Carrillo was joking.

After going to another bar — where the woman drank only water — Carrillo raped her against the passenger side door of his Porsche convertible, prosecutors allege. He then wanted to take her to a hotel, but she insisted he drive her home.

"He said this could've been a nice evening, but I ruined it," she testified.

The next day the woman went to a hospital, reported being raped and a nurse called police.

Both women identified Carrillo through his profile on the dating site, prosecutors said.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Facebook Romance Leads to Murder


(UK)  David Hoyle, of Idle Road in Bradford, hit Rebecca Bamber, 43, with wine bottles at her Widnes home in June then repeatedly stabbed her as she fled.

Chester Crown Court heard Hoyle left the scene calmly after the attack and smiled at a neighbour who was calling 999 while trying to help Ms Bamber.

Hoyle, 39, was given a life sentence and will serve at least 25 years.

Hoyle, who previously had a 15-year relationship with Ms Bamber, contacted her in May through the social networking site.

Screams
After they spent the night together at her Mersey Road home, he attacked her. The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) said Ms Bamber's neighbour raised the alarm after hearing screams coming from her house. He saw the 43-year-old at her window, covered in blood and mouthing "phone the police". The neighbour called 999 and went to the back of her house, where he found Hoyle in the garden standing over Ms Bamber with a knife.

He rushed back to his own house to find something to defend himself with but, when he returned, Hoyle had gone. He then saw Hoyle drive away in his van, who then "chillingly" smiled at him, the CPS said.

The court was shown CCTV footage of the scene, which showed Hoyle leaving calmly while Ms Bamber's neighbour was on the phone to the emergency services. A recording of the 999 call was also played to the jury, in which the man can be heard trying to comfort Ms Bamber, saying: "It's all right Becky, I'm here, the police are on their way, it's all right darling, stay awake."

Police caught up with Hoyle near Runcorn Bridge, but he rammed their vehicles and escaped on to the M56, where he was again stopped before being Tasered. Following his arrest, Hoyle made no comment at interview. He pleaded guilty to manslaughter, but the CPS insisted he be tried for murder. Speaking after sentencing on Wednesday, prosecutor Richard Riley said Hoyle's claim that he had not meant to kill Ms Bamber was "ridiculous".

"Hoyle subjected Ms Bamber to a brutal and sustained attack and clearly intended to do her really serious harm. "She'd been stabbed 11 times with two different knives and three broken bottles."

'No remorse'
He thanked the neighbour "for the courage he showed throughout this dreadful incident. His 999 call was the key to putting a very dangerous man behind bars," he said.

Det Insp Helen Spooner from Cheshire Police led the investigation. She said Hoyle had "shown no remorse". "We will probably never know the real reason behind Hoyle′s actions that day − only he knows why he subjected Rebecca to such a brutal attack in her own home," she added.

Ms Bamber's family issued a statement after the sentencing, saying: "We still find it difficult to believe that Rebecca has been taken from us in such a cruel and violent way. Not only has a mother been taken, but a sister and daughter too.

"It is difficult for us all to come to terms with what actually happened but, as a family, we hope that the conclusion of this court case will allow us some closure as we try to rebuild our lives and move forward."
original article found here

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

More Evidence Online Dating Sites are Dangerous


(U.S.A.) Army lieutenant Peter Burks was killed in Iraq in 2007 but that didn’t stop dating website True.com from swiping his picture and using it in ads to attract women to their website.

The picture was spotted on two ad spots at free dating site PlentyofFish.com with the words ”Military Man Searching for Love” and ”Soldiers Want You!”

The Burks family is now planning to sue both PlentyOfFish.com and True.com for their parts in using the photo without permission.

The family says Burks died just days after the photo was taken and that he definitely didn’t upload the photograph to the website. In fact the photo was being used on a website to help raise funds to provide supplies to troops in Burks’ honor which is likely where the picture was stolen from.

The Burks family also notes that Peter Burks was engaged when he died which makes True.com’s claims of “Soldier’s Want You!” nothing more than a scam to attract users to the site through the use of fake profiles.

In the meantime a representative for PlentyOfFish notes that the website displays ads from hundreds of thousands of advertisers and is not in charge of the ads for those websites. True.com ads were quickly blocked by PlentyOfFish.com after the Burks family notified the website of the issue.

In the meantime True.com’s potential members might want to look for a dating site that doesn’t create fake profiles in order to lure them in.

What might be the most tragic part of the entire ordeal is that True.com founder Herb Vest attacked other dating websites during a 2006 Forbes interview, as he put it at that time:
“We had to establish a wholesome environment for courtship. Internet dating is populated, to a large degree, by criminals and married people.”

It looks like True.com has turned into the exact type of company it hoped to fight against just five years earlier.

original article here

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Why Can't I Let Go of the Cyberpath?

Many of our victims report a complete lack of understanding from therapists, friends & family why they just can't "get over it." These people are re-abusing the victim because they do not understand (or do not want to understand) the effect a Cyberpath (pathological) has on their victims.

Victims are bonded by fear. Fear of finding out the truth AND fear of losing him. This is called Trauma Bonding. (also, look for information on "Stockholm Syndrome")

Dr. Patrick Carne's book THE BETRAYAL BOND - does a fantastic job of explaining this. This might be the very thing that therapists, friends & family refuse to get. But victims vitally need to understand. - EOPC 


letting go Pictures, Images and Photos


"Exploitive relationships can create trauma bonds -- chains that link a victim to someone who is dangerous to them. Divorce, employee relations, litigation of any type, abuse, family and marital systems, domestic violence, kidnapping, exploitation and religious/ verbal/ emotional abuse are all areas of trauma bonding. All these relationships share one thing: they are situations of incredible intensity or importance where there is an exploitation of trust or power."
- Dr. Patrick Carnes

selected excerpts:

by Dr. Patrick Carnes

About Trauma Bonding:
These people are all struggling with traumatic bonds. Those standing outside see the obvious. All these relationships are about some insane loyalty or attachment. They share exploitation, fear, and danger. They also have elements of kindness, nobility and righteousness. These are all people who stay involved or wish to stay involved with people who betray them. Emotional pain, severe consequences and even the prospect of death do not stop their caring or commitment.

Clinicians call this “traumatic bonding.” This means that the victims have a certain dysfunctional attachment that occurs in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation. There often is seduction, deception or betrayal. There is always some form of danger or risk.


Some relationships are traumatic. Take, for example, the conflictual ties in movies like The War of the Roses or Fatal Attraction. What Lucy does to Charlie Brown (in the comic strip, Peanuts) every year when she holds the football for him to kick is a betrayal we have grown to expect. Abuse cycles such as those found in domestic violence are built around trauma bonds. So are the misplaced loyalties found in exploitive cults, incest families, or hostage and kidnapping situations.

[Victims] who remain with alcoholics, compulsive gamblers, sex addicts, [or Cyberpaths!] and who will not leave no matter what their partners do, may have suffered enough to have a traumatic bond.


Here are the signs that trauma bonds exist in your life:
  • When you obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.)
  • When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain.
  • When you go “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you.
  • When you continue to be a “team” member when obviously things are becoming destructive.
  • When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.
  • When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.
  • When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.
  • When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.
  • When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.
  • When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.
  • When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.
  • When you are attached to untrustworthy people.
  • When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.
  • When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.

About shame:
An injury to one’s sense of self forges some bonds. The self-injury becomes part of the fabric of the relationship and further disrupts the natural unfolding of the self. When this involves terror of any sort, an emptiness forms at the core of the person and the self becomes inconsolable. No addiction can fill in. No denial of self will restore it. No single gesture will be believable. Only a profound sense of the human community caring for the self can seal up this hole. We call this wound shame.

Dr. Carnes’ book: The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
~~~~~~~~~~
The concept of
Traumatic Bonding has also been developed to explain the dynamics of domestic violence relationships. Essentially, strong emotional connections develop between the victim and the perpetrator during the abusive relationship. These emotional ties develop due to the imbalance of power between the batterer and the victim and because the treatment is intermittently good and bad.

In terms of the power imbalance, as the abuser gains more power, the abused individual feels worse about him - or herself, is less able to protect him - or herself, and is less competent. The abused person therefore becomes increasingly dependent on the abuser.

The second key factor in traumatic bonding is the intermittent and unpredictable abuse. While this may sound counterintuitive, the abuse is offset by an increase in positive behaviors such as attention, gifts, and promises. The abused individual also feels relief that the abuse has ended. Thus, there is intermittent reinforcement for the behavior, which is difficult to extinguish and serves instead to strengthen the bond between the abuser and the individual being exploited.


ORIGINAL ARTICLE

Monday, October 13, 2014

BEWARE: THE DANGERS OF ONLINE DATING

Beware Physical, Financial Dangers of Online Dating

Many look for love but find scams and threats

For many of the millions of Americans who have tried online dating, it is an exciting new way to look for the partner of their dreams. But there are potential physical and financial dangers lurking, too.

Cat Hermansen said her experience with online dating took a terrifying turn when she invited a man she met online to pick her up at home for their first date.

"I told him to have a seat on the couch and I sat down beside him," Hermansen said.

"And he pushed me back... and started pawing at me and everything, and what he didn't know is that I could reach down and I pulled my gun out and I put it in his face right between his eyes."

Hermansen said she feels she would have been raped if she didn't have her gun.

"He jumped up and ran out the door - didn't even say bye."

Millions Look for Love Online, and Many Find It
The latest research finds more than 1,000 dating sites on the Web, and nearly 9 million Americans say they subscribed to dating Web sites during the last year, according to analysts at Jupiter Research.

A few, such as True.com, try to do background checks on subscribers, but most do not. (THERE IS NO NATIONAL MARRIAGE DATABASE OR REAL WAY TO CHECK ON WHAT PEOPLE SAY ON DATING PROFILES! No matter WHAT they or the dating site tells you!)

True.com is lobbying state legislatures for laws requiring background checks or at least clear warnings that users are on their own. But some executives of other dating sites say meeting people the old fashioned way isn't any less risky.

Roses and Champagne for a Scam Artist
But experts warn online daters to look out for their financial as well as physical safety when using the sites.

After signing up for Yahoo.com's dating service, Julia Abrantes received an e-mail from a potential suitor telling her, "I can promise you my everlasting devotion, my loyalty and my respect for a lifetime." The man told Abrantes he was working in Nigeria and eventually asked to borrow money so he could wrap up his business and fly to the United States to be with her.

"I had roses in every room, a bottle of champagne in the fridge," Abrantes said. She waited for hours at the airport, but the man never showed up. "I got in a cab, and I came home and sobbed hysterically," Abrantes said.

When Abrantes started investigating the incident online, she discovered the discussion group Romance Scams. Founder Barb Sluppick says 243 members who responded to a survey said they had lost a total of $2.2 million - about $9,000 a piece.

Abrantes reported her scammer to Yahoo, and the company removed his profile. But when ABC News asked her to check for the man's profile again, she found the same Web site and the same pictures.

The pictures used by the scam artist were actually of a model in Hawaii who had been swiped from the model agency's Web site, Abrantes learned.

Yahoo personals said it acts aggressively when customers report scams. When Abrantes complained for a second time, Yahoo again removed the profile.

"We take offering the best online dating experience very seriously and we … provide a safe and secure environment for singles," Yahoo said in a written statement.

Play It Safe
Experts say that people who choose to date online should use caution:

  • Plan first dates in public places.
  • Make sure friends know when and where you're going on a date and arrange to call and check in at the end of the date.
  • Get a disposable cell phone to use specifically for online dating. If a suitor starts to harass you, you can ditch the phone and get another.
  • Ask a lot of detailed questions. Con artists won't have easy answers and will likely drop out of your life. Do a BACKGROUND CHECK and surf the net for their name, nickname and email address(es) and read ALL the pages!
  • If they tell you, don't speak to "so & so" she's/ he's "obsessed with me, stalking me, scorned, rejected, a wacko", etc. -- MAKE IT YOUR BUSINESS TO SPEAK TO THAT VERY PERSON ASAP.
  • Never send money to somebody you meet online. If someone asks for money, it's time to end the relationship.
  • Don't forward checks or packages to people you meet online. Scammers may be trying to lure you into laundering bogus checks or stolen merchandise.

ABC News' Elisabeth Leamy and Allen Levine reported this story for "Good Morning America."

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

The Four Psychological Stages Of Those Abused by Cyberpaths


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Stage One ~ DENIAL
The victim refuses to admit even to herself, that she has been 'had' or that there is a problem in her online relationship/friendship. She may call each incident an accident. She offers excuses & rationalizations and each time she is played or insulted firmly believes it will never happen again.

Stage Two ~ GUILT
Victim now acknowledges there is a problem, but considers herself responsible for it. She deserves to be used and lied to, she feels because she has defects in her character and is not living up to her predators's expectations.

Stage Three ~ ENLIGHTENMENT
The woman no longer assumes responsibility for her cyberpaths's abusive treatment, recognizing that no one deserves to be treated badly, used, played or lied to. She is still committed to her online relationship though and stays with her cyberpath hoping they can work things out. During this period she often questions the predator and hopes for "straight answers" because things are starting to not jive or make sense.

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Stage Four ~ RESPONSIBILITY
Accepting the fact that her cyberpath will not, or can not, stop his predatory & manipulative behavior, the victim decides she will no longer submit to it and starts a new life.

Often involves "telling" and no more secret keeping - by which she can achieve validation that she is not alone or stupid.