THE CYBER-LOTHARIO

Are you writing to someone who is romancing you off your feet? Does this guy seem to know just what to say or write that gets you a step or two further down the garden path?

Perhaps more dangerous than the notorious Internet rapists and murderers are the Cyber Lotharios. Maybe you know one. Smooth as silk. Seduction is his native language.

More dangerous, because these guys (well, there are girls too, but I am more familiar with the guys) are GOOD.

These guys are the Internet equivalent of a Bill Clinton, if Bill Clinton hadn't gotten caught. They are the cyber version of handsome -- they write beautifully, know just what you want to hear and tell you. They POUR it on, and for a thirsty (abused, lonely, sick, divorced or just unsuspecting) woman, it is nectar from the Gods.

These fellows post on dating/ reunion/ single parents/ penpal sites indefinitely, waiting for the unsuspecting newbie(s) to the site. You might contact him, he might contact you, but like an expert salesman, he knows a pigeon when he sees one.

Then slowly, softly, but determinably, he has his way with you.

How do you tell if you have one of these guys on the wire? What if he is a really nice guy, really meaning every word he says?

Well, one clue would be if you find yourself agreeing to or even doing things that you never would if you were in your right mind. Particularly if that has to do with sex. Or maybe money.

These guys make manipulation feel like a warm bath. They profile you subtley, making it seem like they are "interested" in you and actually "care" about you. (They don't.)

You just slide right in and it feels delicious.
But there is a certain vagueness or inconsistency, particularly about past relationships, and perhaps about future plans. ("I love you but I can't be with you....", "I have decided we can never be together", saying "I love you" before they have met you and spent SUBSTANTIAL TIME with you - and NOT in bed either!)

These guys may reassure, but they also will leave themselves a way out.

How can you tell?
Well, one thing you can do is ask for a relationship history. Then pay attention to how he responds, as well as what he actually says.

Does he groan and moan about doing the job? Is he grudging in what he tells you?

Or is he open and serious, understanding what you are asking and why?

Does he seem to have trouble remembering his own history, what her name was, what order the different relationships came in?

Does he offer some information but leave a LOT of blanks in what he says?

Is he reluctant to divulge, or does he sound like he is fudging?

Or does he hold up one old girlfriend or two as the "one who got away" or the most "incredible sex/ relationship I ever had"? (making you feel inadequate or that you have to DO things you're uncomfortable with to measure up!)

Does he make you feel like Number One; then over time - talk about the other Number Ones who left 'poor' him?

Does he say HE broke it off, then a few weeks or months later say SHE broke it off?

Does he say "I never should have married my wife" (if he admits to being married) or "the divorce is almost final"?

Does he get upset when you say you are going to run a background check on him?

Does he seem to be moving you fast towards a romantic getaway?

Maybe he makes plans for the two of you to meet, and reserves only one room.

Or does he hedge saying he can't control himself and doesn't know if you should meet?

Is he heavily sexually suggestive and titillating? Do most chats turn to sex?

Does he ask questions like "What are you wearing?" or "Are you alone?"

Even though a new and legitimate relationship can be highly sexually charged, a guy who is seriously interested in you and a possible future with you will be protective and understanding of you and your feelings.

If you feel antsy, pay attention. If your hormones may be doing your thinking, put on the brakes. Better to let this dangerous Clark Gable type swim away than to be left flat and busted.

Kathryn Lord - 2004

The Eighteen Types of the [Online Predator]'s Victims

FROM: THE ART OF SEDUCTION
by Robert Greene, published by Viking Books, 2001

1. The Reformed Rake or Siren: People of this type were once happy-go-lucky seducers who had their way with the opposite sex. But the day came when they were forced to give this up — someone corralled them into a relationship, they were encountering too much social hostility, they were getting older and decided to settle down . . . These types are ripe for the picking: all that is required is that you cross their path and offer them the opportunity to resume their rakish or siren ways . . .

2. The Disappointed Dreamer: As children, these types probably spent a lot of time alone. To entertain themselves they developed a powerful fantasy life, fed by books and films and other kinds of popular culture. And as they get older, it becomes increasingly difficult to reconcile their fantasy life with reality, and so they are often disappointed by what they get . . . These types make for excellent and satisfying victims . . . All you need do is disguise some of your less than exalted qualities and give them a part of their dream . . .

3. The Pampered Royal: These people were the classic spoiled children. All of their wants and desires were met by an adoring parent — endless entertainments, a parade of toys, whatever kept them happy for a day or two . . . what the Pampered Prince or Princess is really looking for is one person, that parental figure, who will give them the spoiling they crave. To seduce this type, be ready to provide a lot of distraction — new places to visit, novel experiences, color, spectacle. You will have to maintain an air of mystery, continually surprising your target with a new side to your character. Variety is the key . . .

4. The New Prude: The New Prude is excessively concerned with standards of goodness, fairness, political sensitivity, tastefulness, etc. What marks the New Prude, though, as well as the old one, is that deep down they are actually excited and intrigued by guilty, transgressive pleasures — once you open them up, and get them to let go of their correctness, they are flooded with feelings and energies. They may even overwhelm you. Perhaps they are in a relationship with someone as drab as they themselves seem to be — do not be put off . . .

5. The Crushed Star: We all want attention, we all want to shine, but with most of us these desires are fleeting and easily quieted. The problem with Crushed Stars is that at one point in their lives they did find themselves the center of attention — perhaps they were beautiful or charming, perhaps they were athletes, or had some other talent — but those days are gone . . . Seducing this type is simple: just make them the center of attention . . . The reward of seducing Crushed Stars is that you stir up powerful emotions. They will feel intensely grateful to you for letting them shine. To whatever extent they had felt crushed and bottled up, the easing of that pain releases intensity and passion, all directed at you. They will fall in madly in love . . .

6. The Novice: What separates Novices from ordinary innocent young people is that they are fatally curious . . . Seducing a Novice is easy. To do it well, however, requires a bit of art. Novices are interested in people with experience, particularly people with a touch of corruption and evil. Make that touch too strong, though, and it will intimidate and frighten them. What works best with a Novice is a mix of qualities . . . They are easily misled by these tactics, since they lack the experience to see through them . . . mix innocence and corruption and you will fascinate them . . .

7. The Conqueror: These types have an unusual amount of energy, which they find difficult to control. They are always on the prowl for people to conquer, obstacles to surmount . . . In matters of romance, the worst thing you can do with them is lie down and make yourself easy prey; they may take advantage of your weakness, but they will quickly discard you and leave you the worse for wear. You want to give Conquerors a chance to be aggressive, to overcome some resistance or obstacle, before letting them think they have overwhelmed you . . .

8. The Exotic Fetishist: Most of us are excited and intrigued by the exotic. What separates Exotic Fetishists from the rest of us is the degree of this interest, which seems to govern all their choices in life. In truth they feel empty inside, and have a strong dose of self-loathing . . . Clearly the way to seduce them is to position yourself as exotic . . . Exaggerate a little and they will imagine the rest, since such types tend to be self-deluders. Exotic Fetishists, however, do not make particularly good victims. Whatever exoticism you have will soon seem banal to them, and they will want something else . . .

9. The Drama Queen: Most often, Drama Queens (and there are plenty of men in this category) enjoy playing the victim. They want something to complain about, they want pain. Pain is a source of pleasure for them. With this type, you have to be willing and able to give them the mental rough treatment they desire. That is the only way to seduce them in a deep manner . . . At the extreme, they can be hopelessly selfish and anti-seductive, but most of them are relatively harmless and will make fine victims if you can live with the sturm und drang . . .

10. The Professor: These types cannot get out of the trap of analyzing and criticizing everything that crosses their path. Their minds are overdeveloped and overstimulated. Even when they talk about love or sex, it is with great thought and analysis . . . Make them feel like Don Juans or Sirens, to even the slightest degree, and they are your slaves. Many of them have a masochistic streak that will come out once you stir their dormant senses. You are offering an escape from the mind, so make it as complete as possible: if you have intellectual tendencies yourself, hide them . . .

11. The Beauty: From early on in life, the Beauty is gazed at by others. Their desire to look at her is the source of her power, but also the source of much unhappiness . . . Most important in this seduction is to validate those parts of the Beauty that no one else appreciates — her intelligence (generally higher than people imagine), her skills, her character. Of course you must worship her body — you cannot stir up any insecurities in the one area in which she knows her strength, and the strength on which she most depends — but you also must worship her mind and soul . . .

12. The Aging Baby: Some people refuse to grow up. Perhaps they are afraid of death, or of growing old; perhaps they are passionately attached to the life they led as children . . . If you desire to seduce this type, you must be prepared to be the responsible, staid one. That may be a strange way of seducing, but in this case it works . . . Aging Babies can be amusing for a while, but, like all children, they are often potently narcissistic. This limits the pleasure you can have with them. You should see them as short-term amusements, or temporary outlets for your frustrated parental instincts . . .

13. The Rescuer: . . . Rescuers usually have complicated motives: they often have sensitive natures, and truly want to help. At the same time, solving people's problems gives them a kind of power they relish — it makes them feel in control . . . If you are a woman, play the damsel in distress, giving a man the chance so many men long for — to act the knight. If you are a man, play the boy who cannot deal with this harsh world; a female Rescuer will envelop you in maternal attention, gaining for herself the added satisfaction of feeling more powerful and in control than a man. An air of sadness will draw either gender in . . .

14. The Roué: . . . These types have lived the good life and experienced many pleasures. They probably have, or once had, a good deal of money to finance their hedonistic lives. Roués are consummate seducers, but there is one type that can easily seduce them — the young and the innocent . . . If you should want to seduce them, you will probably have to be somewhat young, and to have retained at least the appearance of innocence . . .

15. The Idol Worshiper: Everyone feels an inner lack, but Idol Worshipers have a bigger emptiness than most people . . . The way to seduce these types is to simply become their object of worship, to take the place of the cause or religion to which they are so dedicated . . . With this type you have to hide your flaws, or at least to give them a saintly sheen. Be banal and Idol Worshippers will pass you by. But mirror the qualities they aspire to themselves and they will slowly transfer their adoration to you. Keep everything on an elevated plane — let romance and religion flow into one . . .

16. The Sensualist: What marks these types is not their love of pleasure but their overactive senses . . . The key to seducing them is to aim for their senses, to take them to beautiful places, pay attention to detail, envelop them in spectacle, and of course use plenty of physical lures . . . That is how Cleopatra worked on Mark Antony, an inveterate sensualist . . .

17. The Lonely Leader: . . . Lonely Leaders long to be seduced, to have someone break through their isolation and overwhelm them. The problem is that most people are too intimidated to try, or use the kind of tactics — flattery, charm — that they see through and despise. To seduce such types, it is better to act like their equal or even their superior — the kind of treatment they never get. If you are blunt with them you will seem genuine, and they will be touched — you care enough to be honest, even perhaps at some risk. (Being blunt with the powerful can be dangerous . . . )

18. The Floating Gender: All of us have a mix of the masculine and the feminine in our characters, but most of us learn to develop and exhibit the socially acceptable side while repressing the other. People of the Floating Gender type feel that the separation of the sexes into such distinct genders is a burden . . . What Floating Gender types are really looking for is another person of uncertain gender, their counterpart from the opposite sex . . . If you are not of the Floating Gender, leave this type alone. You will only inhibit them and create more discomfort . . .

Emotional Abusers - The Heart of Cyberpaths

some insightful excerpts from this great article - to read the whole thing click here A great guideline for starting to 'understand' your cyberpath. (Edited out are statements that are not applicable to online relationships; but if you are in a possibly harmful relationship in real life? Please click on the link and read the entire article! -- EOPC)

by Natalie P.

Most people have had it happen: at some point in our lives we find ourselves manipulated or "guilted" into doing something we didn't want to do. We end up angry at ourselves for caving in, and resenting the other person for pressuring us.

The thing is, while [we] would NEVER tolerate physical abuse, they can get blindsided by emotional abuse, and not even realize it's happening - especially if it is coming from someone they trust and love. Like physical abuse, emotional abuse becomes a vicious circle that chips away at your self-confidence, making it harder and harder to leave. If you are in a relationship where you have a sick sense that SOMETHING is wrong, but somehow it's always YOUR fault, and you find yourself always tring to "fix" things, this article may be for you. (this is a good description of the VICTIMS of Cyberpaths!)

Emotional abusers are very insidious - some of them are much harder to spot than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behavior. Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle and verbally harangue their partners - some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not realize that the source of their distress and an unease over the relationship has been coming from abuse for quite some time.

It is the abuser's goal to make her believe that she deserves his cruelty and that only through her actions can she make it stop. It is his intent to get her to feel that she is the cause of any relationship problems, and that his (abusive) behavior is simply a response to her, and therefore acceptable. (sounds like Beckstead!)

[Cyberpaths] have to be willing to recognize and actually work on their own issues before they can stop inflicting cruelty on the people who love them. In many cases, they don't even love their partners, because they can't even love themselves, and don't feel that they deserve love, even though they crave it. [Cyberpaths] may genuinely feel bad that they committed another act of abuse, not because they have any real compassion for the person they hurt, but because they get angry at themselves for "screwing up" again. (or when they get caught!)

It is common for men who are "called" on their abusive behavior to blame the woman, and claim SHE was the abuser. (See Beckstead, Rodger, Dunetz, Capers, Jacoby)

However, it is important to note that though women can become abusers, MOST OFTEN (because of the way we are socialized and the power setups in society), if there has been no *successful* theraputic intervention, MEN from abusive families become "ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse VICTIMS". [this is why most, not all, cyberpaths - are men - and a large percentage are in relationships -- married, with a partner, serial monogamy]

Unfortunately, not all therapy works, and not all people who go into therapy are ready or willing to do the personal work necessary to get better and eliminate their destructive patterns. It can take years and years of therapy to unravel and undo the damage and self-hate that has driven someone to abuse. During that time, the abuser may actually get worse before his behavior improves, if it changes at all. It is quite common for deeply disturbed people who enter therapy to initially use the therapy to project their problems on everyone else and point out the character flaws of those around them, rather than face their own internal demons.

For a person who has spent a lifetime of lying and hating themselves, honesty does not come easily.

More disturbingly, some abusers can and DO go into therapy as a ploy - to make it LOOK like they are actually working on their own behavior, and accepting responsibility for their actions, when, in fact, the real motive is to arm themselves with distortions of the therapist's words and tools, in an effort to heighten and increase the psychological warfare.

The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. (Cyberpathic relationships!) However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every few months.

While someone may be emotionally blindsided by major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as abuse, abused partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain yanking", sarcasm and emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship". (Cyberpath Dunetz's Target #1 said as much! That she kept getting 'reeled back in' by her belief he was her friend and she could 'help' him! Hicks & Beckstead did this to their victims too)

When he distorts the past and blames you for the relationship problems, you may even feel like you are going crazy, and he will certainly do everything he can to imply that you ARE. (Sounds like Campbell, Beckstead, Capers)

What are the signs and symptoms of Emotional Abuse?
Other forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging, and far less overt. They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgemental, "joking" insults, lying, repeatedly "forgetting" promises, sarcasm and agreements, betrayal of trust, "setting you up", and "revising" history. (Cyberpaths are especially good at the last one)

To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm and nondescript.

He may intersperse episodes of abuse with words of love, telling her that she is "the best thing that has ever happened" to him, and that he wants to start treating her that way, confusing her further. She keeps hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he will stop hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail. ... the REALLY successful abusers are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have shelves of filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control.If a [cyberpath] causes YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, *you* are." Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at all, all they see is an outburst from you, NOT the abuse that triggered it. It may make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if you are going crazy, because nobody believes you that this charming, "nice", helpful, successful man could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and deliberately hurtful.

Cyberpaths play the pushme-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too needy". (Dorsky, YIdwithlid, Beckstead all did this)

An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and encourage the friends to make disparaging remarks.

Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. He lives by the "if you really loved me" (didn't Dorsky, Jacoby and Dunetz use this EXACT phrase when devaluing their targets?)...

Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying to be "helpful" or sensitive.

Emotional abusers will try to isolate you from family and friends. There are several tactics that may be employed. If he can't manipulate your friends, he will either find reasons to denigrate them or will be "uninterested" in doing things with you AND your friends. (Cyberpaths tell their targets NOT to talk to each other and keep them in the dark about each other!)

Instead of "lying" to a partner, an emotional abuser may "forget" significant promises he made to his partner - especially if forgetting that promise will hurt her. (was your Cyberpath busy on your birthday? Or no contact when you were sick or having problems and needed the support?)

Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their "mistakes" (otherwise known as abuse) but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate mistakes - and will continue to "punish" their partners for those mistakes, long after apologies and restitution have been made. (This includes narcissistic rage at being exposed)

Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more.

The abuser says it's not completely his fault, or she pushes his buttons, or that something she did triggered him to do or say something hurtful or damaging to her.
Another emotional abuse tactic is to reject activities that she suggests and then do them with other people - letting her know that he is doing them with other people - establishing control and implying that she is not worthy of doing the activities with him, but other people are. (Dunetz did this with Target #1, doing everything he promised her with Target #2! So she would find out!)

Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser".

As part of this tactic he may pay lip-service to personal responsibility by saying he "takes responsibility" for his actions, but then make no offer to do anything about the resulting emotional pain, or say that there is nothing he can do to repair the damage or make restitution. If she tries to get him to do anything to make restitution he will use the word "blame" as if it is a dirty word, and accuse her of trying to lay "blame" on him for his actions. ("I will NEVER talk to her (the victim again) because she.... [insert what you supposedly did as a response to the way the Cyberpath treated you here - such as exposing them, telling their spouse, reporting them to police - as if YOU did the bad thing]) Non-abusers who genuinely ACCIDENTALLY hurt a loved one's feelings, do not refuse to nurture those feelings - they help repair the emotional damage, and they don't repeatedly make the same "mistakes" over and over...

The truth about responsibility for one's feelings is that if you love and trust someone - if you open your heart to the love and caring, you also open it to the potential for hurt. Yes, in the strictest sense of the word, no one can make you feel anything - you choose to let them affect you for good or bad. But very few people, (except perhaps those with borderline personality disorder), can be completely "unfeeling" when dealing with someone they care deeply for. ...To disconnect yourself from feeling hurt and pain is to disconnect yourself from feeling love and joy. When you open your heart to someone, you are granting them your trust as well as your love. You are trusting them to respect and honor your love. If someone abuses you by violating your trust, you are not wrong for trusting - THEY are wrong for breaking that trust and using it to hurt you. ... according to the abuser, it is up to the woman not to provide him with the temptation... (Dunetz & Beckstead accuse their Targets of being temptations! when THEY initiated the relationships)

If caught in a lie or exposed in a situation where he can't immediately manipulate his partner into taking the rap, he may try to go for the sympathy ploy, in an attempt deflect the situation away from his bad behavior. For example, one abuser caught in the middle of a lie, blamed his lie on "bad memory", almost started crying, and began bemoaning what he would do if his memory was going, because his whole job depended on being able to remember lots of details. (other excuses: illness in family, death in family, getting fired, moving, sick - see Beckstead, Rodger, Dunetz, Jacoby, Hicks, etc etc)

-to bring up stories of childhood/parental abuse (watch these, they are the same old stories each time, and if you listen closely, you may see that his behaviors closely match those childhood abuse patterns...)

-to bring up troubles and things bothering him at work (Hicks, Dunetz... so far all did this!)

-to bring up his hurt and "pain" over something YOU did ages ago, and have long-since paid for.

-his wife/parent/child/friend is ill and he's under a lot of stress and YOU are making it worse. (Ed Hicks did this!)

-"missing" a grown child who has left the home, or children he abandoned and his former partner "won't let him" visit (big wonder why...). (Ed Hicks AGAIN!)

If you DO manage to get an abuser to a relationship counsellor, (something many abusers will insist you two don't need - he'll insist that you "can work things out yourselves..."), the abuser will work to ensure that the counsellor sees HIM as the mistreated partner, or at the very least, that his behaviors are one-time incidents rooted in just cause.

Beware. Sometimes counsellors buy into that stuff, and you end up getting a double-whammy. Another destabilizing tactic that the abuser may use is to reneg on a committment, or on a stated belief, catching you off-guard, possibly even putting you in a position where he can accuse you of "hurting" him because you didn't know his beliefs/principles/goals had changed. He will use the excuse that he "changed his mind" as a tool for keeping you off-balance. If you question his about-face, he will accuse you of not allowing him the right to change his mind. (example: Dunetz mentioned to his Targets - what they were doing was 'wrong and immoral' while still seeing hookers on his lunch hours and he was leading them on at night that saying he couldn't "control" his "feelings" for them)

Emotional abusers often display different personalities to other people in their lives - watch for a completely changed demeanor, behavior, body language and even tone of voice, when they are at work, or with a circle of friends. (this is VERY easy to do on online!!)

The abuser may claim that this is just different "facets" of his personality, but in fact, it is a warning sign that he puts on different personnas to suit the situation, and you will never know which one is the REAL person. It belies huge insecurities - the way children try to act like the crowd they are with in order to be accepted - and is an indication of the emotional immaturity of the typical abuser.

Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming -that's why it's so hard for the victim of abuse - their friends only see the charming side, and don't see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and rudeness that happens inside the relationship. (just a quick read of Dunetz's blog will show you this)

Because abuse is about power and control, the abuser will often try to become "buddies" or friends with his partner's closest friends. (Check the exposes, many of our cyberpaths did this EXACT thing)

If the victim's female friends are attracted to him at all, he may even try to prey on that, so that if she has a conflict or a problem with him, she doesn't have a close supportive friend to turn to. (Dunetz & Jacoby to a tee, readers!)

Abusers will use things like stories of childhood abuse or trauma, lost friends or the death of relatives to get her friends to feel sorry for him. He will play up the "sensitive guy" role. If he can cozy up to her best friend, the friend will feel caught in the middle - which is exactly what the abuser wants - to cut off his partner from external support. If he can, he may even flirt heavily with her friends, have an affair with one of her friends, or become pals with one or more of her former friends as another way to hurt and attempt to shame her. (Capers, Dunetz, Clive, Thomas did this and Lissa Daly used a form of this to hurt their victims!! Re-read their stories completely to see how this was accomplished!)

The emotional abuser often plays pushme-pullyou. He will indicate that his interest in his partner is waning, and when she begins to start separating from him, he will become attentive and interested again. He may even use sex as a weapon against her - by telling her that she isn't paying enough attention to him, spending enough time with him, or isn't initiating sex enough, but then will reject her advances when she tries to initiate. (Did your cyberpath tell you this about their wife/partner too??)

Abusers are completely self-centered. They blame other people and seldom take responsibility for their own actions. Abusers are self-righteous. They find ways to justify their behavior.

Emotional abusers hate apologizing - and if they DO 'apologize', they will only do the same thing again.

This is called "projection" - abusers do it all the time. They project THEIR issues onto their partner, and try to make it their partner's problem. They make it sound like the partner's is somehow wrong or attempting to set them up for "blame", for wanting some sign of compassion and remorse, and an indication of willingness to work on the behavior problem.

Abusers may, early in the relationship, in a moment of "opening up", tell you of their abusive or manipulative nature. .... They may even go so far as to say, "I told you this is how I am." (did they say "I am sick" or "I need help" or "I need to work on ...." or "I have a problem with....")

Emotional abusers often grow OLD without growing UP. They are emotionally stunted and immature. Emotional abusers are self-preoccupied, and demonstrate a passive-aggressive interpersonal style. (see Cyberpaths & the Online Disinhibition Effect)

Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior. At this point he will be sure to tell as many *mutual* friends as will listen, that she is controlling and abusive to him, in an attempt to further undermine any support she might get. (Cyberpaths say you and your friends are 'ganging up on them' when caught in their lies)

An emotional abuser demonstrates little capacity to appreciate the perspective of another person when his own interests are at stake. Emotional abusers often flip between being a martyr and a self-absorbed asshole - there is no middle ground, and they use the martyrdom as an excuse for their behavior when they are in self-absorbed a**hole mode.

...An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own provocative behavior, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that a partner left him, or threw him out, ...

The emotional abuser will play up the "pathos" in an attempt to garner sympathy, all the while, continuing to (cyber)stalk his ex, making jokes about things he could do to upset her, and invading her personal space and boundaries ... (almost all the Cyberpaths we have exposed have gone to their target's personal sites, boards on which they post, etc. saying they were "just protecting THEMSELVES again their Target's relentless abuse. Turnabout!! and projection, readers. Prime Example: Campbell filing a frivolous lawsuit against his victim that was thrown out!)

Like physical abusers, emotional abusers will often stalk their former partners. The stalker's objective is often to control her through cultivating fear rather than making direct or specific threats, or confronting the her. This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up. (Look at the AfterThoughts of our victims - scrolling in right column)

Ex-partners of abusers will often express fear of their abuser, and will have no desire to be anywhere near the abuser. On the other hand, the abuser may try to appear as if he is calm, rational, and still supportive of his ex-partner, despite the fact that he will also express the opinion that he believes she is quite unstable. (are you on the same boards? visit the same sites? But its YOU that is stalking him? Because the cyberpath cannot and will not maintain a cordial distance! But that's YOUR fault. LOL... NOT)

He will make statements such as saying that he "bears her no ill-will", etc., but then will show no respect for her boundaries ... The abuser will still inquire with friends as to how she is doing, implying that his inquiry is because he cares about her - he does care - about retaining those last vestiges of control, even after the breakup. What he really wants to know is if she is suffering or doing badly, because that feeds his sick ego. He feels best when he puts other people in as much pain as he is in.

People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person's "issues" are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices.

Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.
People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.

Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH - some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it.

People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.

Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self.

The Modus Operandi of the "Emotional Blackmailer"

He is too good to be true - He is soft-spoken and polite, he is kind and loves women, he is respectful, he doesn't come on too strong FOR THE FIRST FEW MEETINGS ONLY. He's always on the lookout for a patsy, but he's in no hurry as there's always another one around the corner so he'll take his time in coming on to you.

He'll be there more and more frequently - gazing at you with puppy dog eyes; wanting to know everything about you, asking your advice, making it look like you are getting to know each other and forming a bond.

He will put himself in the best possible light - including lying through his teeth about his ambitions, activities, hopes and dreams.

His seduction techniques are often subtle and well-practiced - It will seem he did nothing to seduce you until you look back and analyze it. He sat and stood close to you, he brushed against you, but it didn't seem to be on purpose.

He suddenly "Turns on the Charm" and turns up the heat - Once you're hypnotized by his sweetness and modesty and respectfulness, he will pounce on you one night and turn into a Mr. Hyde. It "just happened." This is the critical moment to run away, don't let him touch you. He'll leave you breathless wondering what exactly happened. He'll turn on all the charm full force and you'll be wanting him from then on, yet wanting some breathing room. You won't get any. Ever. It won't bother you at first - you'll think he's attentive and ardent.

He starts using the lines technique - Once you're "seeing" each other, he'll be a real swain, discussing how amazing this new relationship is, how different you are from any woman he ever met; and he'll talk about your remarkable beauty and how "alike" you are. He will talk about your "resonance" and describe all the awful women he knew before who didn't want a good man - who wanted someone to abuse them.

All of this is meaningless talk. He uses the same lines on every woman.

He will whine and even shed tears - if you say you have other things to do, other people to see, or want to be alone after seeing him 8 days in a row. He enjoys being abused, so if you scream at him it only makes him feel more secure. He got used to fighting all around him as a child and he equates fighting with love.

He'll start demanding that you "prove your love" - You have become nothing but his prop. He has become your jailer. The key is: he demands CONSTANT proof of your love.


He will "seem" to accept your decision to break up - As the months roll along and you are tired of his constant presence, begging, whining and having unreasonable control of your life, you will decide to break up with him. He will then agree to back off, give you some space, and try to do better.

He'll tell you he has "changed" - No matter how many times you break up with him, he will call you to tell you that he needs you, that he has changed, and he will say it all in a calm voice as if he respects your decision to come back or not. His game is to stay away just long enough that you forget his annoying traits and miss the good parts. But if you agree to even one meeting it will be back to daily visits and demands for constant pampering again.

Getting Rid of the Bastard
The only way to get rid of the emotional blackmailer is when he has found another victim to be his patsy. He will already be courting her while seeing you (he is juggling two or more women per day).

Once he has the new person in his thrall and has nothing to lose by losing you, he will drop you like a hot potato.

He prey's on sympathy, and lives to control - his purpose is to have many women in his control - perhaps one for money and one to scream at him, and both for companionship. He gets a high from controlling people, because as a child he had no control over anything and frequently felt abandoned. This is why the more women who feel sorry for him, listen to him, go out with him, the better he feels and behaves. However, he is telling each of them the same thing: they are the best, the most beautiful, the most like him, he wants to spend the rest of his life with ONLY THEM.

The character of the Emotional Blackmailer
Everything he says or does is for gain. He does nothing for the sheer joy of it, or because he likes people or wants to build a relationship: he is looking ahead to what he can get out of the person: sex, housekeeping, emotional support, someone to listen to him spin his tales of woe, what have you. Loyalty or faithfulness are not in his nature.
He will become vicious and even violent if he is crossed, contradicted, found out, exposed or denied what he wants. It looks exactly like the tantrum of a five year old. That is still his emotional age, although he has the smooth moves of a Casanova down pat.

How Do You Extricate Yourself from the Emotional Blackmailer?
One way out is to cut off all contact. Even email may put you back in his control if you get back into the same pattern of doing what he wants when he wants it. He is a master manipulator who will prey on your sympathy for him as a human being.

Any time spent reasoning with him is wasted - he doesn't hear a word you say. All arguments are circular. If you discuss codependence, he says it doesn't exist, that it's a psychobabble word for two people caring for each other. If he has no answer to your logic he will remain silent and wait for you to shut up, then start with his argument again.

After you have cut off contact, he will stalk you for a while if he doesn't have a replacement lined up yet, but this will cease because it isn't fulfilling enough for him. He NEEDS feedback, anger, someone to scream at him. Any kind of attention pleases him - he is a true masochist who would enjoy being slapped. If you catch him? He will accuse YOU of stalking HIM!

Another way to ditch the Emotional Blackmailer is to turn the tables on him. A man who is so good at manipulating is also easily manipulated to do whatever you want IF you do it the right way. You can be rid of him within a few weeks without avoiding him by doing the following:

• Exhibit jealousy and make it clear that you won't share him with anyone else, and you expect to spend the rest of your life with him and have exclusive rights over him. This will make him feel suffocated for a change and he will be eagerly stepping out on you while claiming he wants only you.
• Lose interest in doing anything you used to do for him or with him; stop taking him seriously; don't listen to his rants about his job; ridicule his ideas, act bored and make it clear you see him only as a useful decoration. Tell him to grow up, tell him you are well aware of his manipulative games but you like him anyway and demand he be faithful to you. This will scare him and make him step up his efforts with the other women, and he will soon be out of your life.

A Final Note:

Healthy, non-manipulative men:

• Don't beg
• Don't tell you that you're "the best"
• Don't use the lines "if you really love me", or "prove you love me by doing this for me"...
• Don't put down their girlfriends or wives (former or current), even mildly
• Respect your right to have other online friends
• Share all their information with you: address, phone numbers, job, etc. They don't mind if you double check on them for your own safety!

(NOTE: Women can be just as abusive and use these same tactics)

High Tech Adds to Abuse of Women

Mobile phones and computers are increasingly being used as tools to abuse, control and stalk women, a report from Women’s Aid reveals.

Many of the 14,613 women who called the Women’s Aid helpline last year said telephone, surveillance and computer technologies were being used to harass and intimidate them.

Women reported:

* How their home and mobile calls were being monitored, as well as their texts by their partners and ex-partners.

* How their phone conversations were being recorded.

* How they discovered that cameras had been secretly installed in their homes.

* Their online use had been tracked and scrutinized, with partners demanding access to their private email and social networking accounts.

* Their partners or ex-partners had put lies about them up on internet sites.

"The use of technology in domestic violence situations is now a key part of the wider pattern of emotional abuse," said Women’s Aid director Margaret Martin.

Women have told Women’s Aid that they feel like they were being watched constantly, that their privacy had been completely invaded and controlled.

"We also heard from women who had been photographed and filmed without their consent, sometimes having sex and having the images uploaded to the internet," she said.

Ms Martin said the use of technology often prevented women from seeking help as they feared that their partner would discover that they had phoned a helpline, had looked at a domestic violence website or spoken of the abuse to their friends, family or colleagues in an email or text.

She said the abuse did not stop for many women who left a relationship, with one in five women revealing that they had been abused by their former boyfriends, husbands and partners.

"For many, technology played a part in the stalking and harassment they experienced," she said.

Women told how they had been bombarded with texts and calls, often telling them in explicit detail how they would be attacked or even killed.

Younger women reported that their current or former boyfriends were stalking them on social networking sites.

Technology is also a lifeline for women experiencing abuse, with almost 90% of calls to the Women’s Aid helpline made from a mobile phone, while its website received over 39,000 visits.

Women’s Aid has also expressed concern about women who are being abused during pregnancy and shortly after the birth of a child.

"We hear from women who are forbidden to breast-feed their child, who are raped in the weeks following childbirth and women who are beaten while holding their baby."

* Women’s Aid national freephone number in Ireland is 1800 341 900.

original article here

Romance Scammers Pose as U.S. Military to Entrap Women

by Charlotte Gill and India Sturgis

(U.K.) As she sat down in front of her laptop to read the latest messages from her online admirers, Elana Brown felt a flutter of excitement. Divorced for seven years, she had been persuaded by a friend to sign up to the Jewish lonely hearts website, JDate.

For two months, she’d logged on and chatted to several potential suitors, but each had come to nothing. But today, as she checked the messages in her inbox, one in particular caught her eye.

‘It was from a doctor in the U.S. Army serving in Afghanistan,’ recalls Elana, a 47-year-old learning support assistant who lives with her sons, aged 17 and 20, in Ruislip, West London. ‘His name was Sergeant Terry Scott. He liked my picture and said he would like to get to know me.

‘He told me that he had a nine-year-old son, that his wife had died in a car crash two years earlier, and he was looking for love again. It was a heartfelt message and he seemed a genuinely nice guy.’

Elana had no hesitation in tapping out a reply. ‘He replied almost straight away and we began emailing each other every day. After a week, we were getting on so well that Terry asked for my phone number and he started calling me.

‘His voice was lovely — he had a deep American accent and sounded kind. He would ask me how I was and about my two boys. We could chat for ages, sometimes four hours at a time. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to hit it off with someone I’d just met online. Looking back, I should have been more cautious. But I suppose, because I was looking for love, I wanted so much to believe in him.’

Certainly, there was nothing to suggest that Terry was anything but genuine.

‘He sent me lots of photos of himself in the Army. He told me about how hard life was in Afghanistan. In my profile, I’d written that I was looking for someone who was manly, but also able to help out around the home. He told me he’d take care of me, that he’d come to England and marry me. He said he wanted to make me happy.’

It was a whirlwind romance: just a few weeks later, Terry announced that he loved Elana and wanted to meet her. ‘He said he looked forward to meeting my sons and that we would all be one big family. It may sound naive now, but I believed him.’

Then, just three weeks into their relationship, Terry made a request which should have set alarm bells ringing.

‘He said that one of his soldiers had been shot, and he and his friends were trying to raise money so he could be sent to Russia for treatment. He asked me for £300 towards it.

‘I believed him, but I told him I just couldn’t afford the money. He then started bombarding me with texts and phone calls, saying they were desperate for the money. Terry promised that I would get the money back. He spoke to me so nicely that I just thought: “OK, I’ll give him the money.”

‘I transferred it by Western Union, as Terry had requested. He was so grateful and assured me he would pay the money back as soon as he could.

‘He promised he was resigning from the Army and would get a $300,000 (£190,000) payout. He said it was his Army pension. Then he would come to England and marry me. I was even sent official-looking letters from the U.S. Army stating that money I had sent was being used to get security clearance so Terry could leave the Army. They looked genuine to me.’

After that, Terry came up with endless reasons for needing more money. He wasn’t getting paid by the Army; he needed funds for a business he had set up. Blinded by love, Elana sent more cash. In the two months they were in contact, she parted with nearly £10,000.

Of course, she never did get to meet the man of her dreams. She was, in fact, the latest victim of an online dating scam targeting vulnerable older women.

Earlier this month, the National Fraud Authority announced £2.5 million has been stolen by online dating con-men in the past six months alone.

‘Fraudsters who take advantage of online dating sites are a particularly sinister lot,’ says the NFA’s chief executive, Dr Bernard Herdan. ‘They use clever psychological tricks to gain the confidence and affections of legitimate site users. They are attentive. When a romance fraudster has gained a person’s trust, that’s when they begin to ask for money.’

Increasing numbers of women, such as Elana, are falling victim to this kind of fraud — in particular to criminals in West Africa posing as U.S. soldiers. The U.S. Embassy in London received 500 phone calls and 2,000 emails reporting various types of internet scam last year.

Many victims feel too embarrassed and ashamed to confess they’ve been duped.

In a survey last month, the Office for Fair Trading found that 39 per cent of people who had been tricked in the past year did not report it to the authorities.

‘I can’t believe how foolish I was now, but I was in love with this man and I thought I was giving him money to help him resign from the Army so we could be together,’ says a heartbroken Elana.

‘I used all my £600 savings, took out a loan and had to remortgage my home to scrape together the money. But Terry promised I’d get my money back with interest. I thought we were going to spend our lives together, so why wouldn’t I get it back?’

When her elder son tried to warn her, she rowed furiously with him: ‘I wouldn’t listen. And all for a man I’d never met.’

After taking a last payment of £2,600 from Elana, Terry promised that he would repay the money within days, then fly to the UK to be with her. But the money never appeared. And neither did he.

The truth dawned on Elana when ‘Terry’ suddenly ceased all contact. ‘My son was right,’ she says tearfully. ‘I had been duped. I cried every night. I was a mess.’

A few months later, she heard the story on Crimewatch of a woman who had lost £45,000 to a Nigerian fraudster posing as a U.S. soldier and realised her story was virtually identical. Elana then contacted Action Fraud, the national fraud reporting centre, and investigators told her the payments she had made went to internet scammers in Nigeria and the UK.

By then, the fraudsters were long gone, along with any hope she would get any of her money back. A year on, she is working longer hours and paying back £200 a month to get rid of the debt.

‘Looking back, I see how naive I was. These fraudsters are so clever. I am not usually a silly person who easily trusts people, and yet here I was being conned.’

But it’s too late for divorcee Kate Roberts. The 47-year-old gave £80,000 to a gang of Nigerian fraudsters posing as a lonely U.S. soldier between October 2009 and July 2010. ‘I was taken in,’ she says. ‘Aside from losing the money, I feel I’ve lost the love of my life. I know he wasn’t real — but the feelings were real to me.’

Kate, a mother of three, had to sell her house to pay off crippling debts after taking out credit cards, loans and borrowing from family and friends in order to send money to the virtual ‘lover’ who contacted her on the Friends Reunited Dating website in October 2009.

‘Scammers carefully target and then tap into people’s wants, needs and vulnerabilities,’ explains psychologist Anjula Mutanda, who has worked with knowthenet.org.uk. ‘Initially, online dating fraudsters spend time emotionally grooming the person. They show interest, gain trust — reeling the person in before hitting them with the sting.’

Despite the huge rise in cases of online dating fraud, awareness among the 2.5 million women who internet-date is alarmingly low.

Elana is keen to stress that the victims are not stupid: ‘I’d heard of scams, but I never thought I would fall for one. You may think that this could never happen to you, but I am proof that it can.’

original article found here