The Four Psychological Stages Of Those Abused by Cyberpaths

Stage One ~ DENIAL
The victim refuses to admit even to herself, that she has been 'had' or that there is a problem in her online relationship/friendship. She may call each incident an accident. She offers excuses & rationalizations and each time she is played or insulted firmly believes it will never happen again.

Stage Two ~ GUILT
Victim now acknowledges there is a problem, but considers herself responsible for it. She deserves to be used and lied to, she feels because she has defects in her character and is not living up to her predators's expectations.

Stage Three ~ ENLIGHTENMENT
The woman no longer assumes responsibility for her cyberpaths's abusive treatment, recognizing that no one deserves to be treated badly, used, played or lied to. She is still committed to her online relationship though and stays with her cyberpath hoping they can work things out. During this period she often questions the predator and hopes for "straight answers" because things are starting to not jive or make sense.


Stage Four ~ RESPONSIBILITY
Accepting the fact that her cyberpath will not, or can not, stop his predatory & manipulative behavior, the victim decides she will no longer submit to it and starts a new life.

Often involves "telling" and no more secret keeping - by which she can achieve validation that she is not alone or stupid.

original article here

Cyberstalking is Bad for Your Health

by Neal Colgrass

What with Facebook, Flickr, and other fine venues for stalking "exes," breakups aren't nearly as final as they once were. But for your own good, please stop following them around cyberspace. "Conventional wisdom, and even science, has it that cutting off contact with an ex makes for a smoother recovery," writes Tracy Clark-Flory at Salon. And she knows the struggle all too well, having tracked an ex from Flickr to Twitter until she realized that the ring on his finger wasn't "merely an engagement ring." 

Not only was he already married, but Clark-Flory had to see a live-tweeted photo of him standing in the aisle. "It’s one thing to realize that the man you once wanted to marry" has moved on, she writes, "and another to be a virtual witness to it." Clark-Flory digs up studies to make her case, like one that finds "Facebook stalking ... may obstruct the process of healing" and another in which 30% of college students admit to posting status updates "to taunt or hurt" an ex. 

The only problem: "It’s never been easier to secretly keep tabs on exes," writes Clark-Flory, "and it’s never been harder not to."

SOURCE

Surviving the Cyberpath

It Takes A Strong Individual To Survive An Exploiter
(in this case a Cyberpath would be an 'EXPLOITER')


You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible.

It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.

Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem.

For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakeness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”

But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/ abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).

This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances s(he’d) counsel anyone else to reject and escape.

But I restate: you can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.

When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.

It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is longlasting.


Steve Becker, MSW, LCSW, CH.T

TWELVE RULES FOR DEALING WITH SOCIOPATHS

This excerpt from an interview with Martha Stout was so good we are reposting it here. Many of these rules can be applied to relationships with cyberpaths, online bullies or predators.

In our opinion, Cyberpaths are at their cores Destructive Narcissists & Sociopaths

Read & heed! - EOPC

Twelve Rules
by Martha Stout
Author of THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR.

1 - The first rule involves the bitter pill of accepting that some people literally have no conscience, and that these people do not often look like Charles Manson or a Ferengi bartender.

They look like us.

2 - In a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on -- educator, doctor, leader, animal-lover, humanitarian, loving parent, activist, religious person -- go with your instincts.

Whether you want to be or not, you are a constant observer of human behavior, and your unfiltered impressions, though alarming and seemingly outlandish, may well help you out if you will let them. Your best self understands, without being told, that impressive and moral-sounding labels do not bestow conscience on anyone who did not have it to begin with.

3 - When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has.

Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the lynchpin of conscienceless behavior.

Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.

Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.


4 - Question authority.
Once again -- trust your own instincts and anxieties, especially those concerning people who claim that dominating others, violence, war, or some other violation of your conscience is the grand solution to some problem. Do this even when, or especially when, everyone around you has completely stopped questioning authority.

Recite to yourself what Stanley Milgram taught us about obedience. 'At least six out of ten people will blindly obey a present, official-looking authority to the bitter end.' The good news is that having social support makes people somewhat more likely to challenge authority.

Encourage those around you to question, too.

5 - Suspect flattery.
Compliments are lovely, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is extreme, and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways. It is the material of counterfeit charm, and nearly always involves an intent to manipulate. Manipulation through flattery is sometimes innocuous and sometimes sinister. (i.e. Love Bombing done by Cyberpaths)

This "flattery rule" applies on an individual basis, and also at the level of groups and even whole nations. Throughout all of human history and to the present, the call to war has included the flattering claim that one's own forces are about to accomplish a victory that will change the world for the better, a triumph that is morally laudable, justified by its humane outcome, unique in human endeavor, righteous, and worthy of enormous gratitude. Since we began to record the human story, all of our major wars have been framed in this way, on all sides of the conflict, and in all languages the adjective most often applied to the word war is the word holy. An argument can easily be made that humanity will have peace when nations of people are at last able to see through this masterful flattery.

6 - If necessary, redefine your concept of respect.
Too often, we mistake fear for respect, and the more fearful we are of someone, the more we view him or her as deserving of our respect.

I have a spotted Bengal cat who was named Muscle Man by my daughter when she was a toddler, because even as a kitten he looked like a professional wrestler. Grown now, he is much larger than most other domestic cats. His formidable claws resemble those of his Asian leopard-cat ancestors, but by temperament, he is gentle and peace-loving. My neighbor has a little calico who visits. Evidently the calico's predatory charisma is huge, and she is brilliant at directing the evil eye at other cats. Whenever she is within fifty feet, Muscle Man, all fifteen pounds of him to her seven, cringes and crouches in fear and feline deference.

Muscle Man is a splendid cat. He is warm and loving, and he is close to my heart. Nonetheless, I would like to believe that some of his reactions are more primitive than mine.

I hope I do not mistake fear for respect, because to do so would be to ensure my own victimization. Let us use our big human brains to overpower our animal tendency to bow to predators, so we can disentangle the reflexive confusion of anxiety and awe. In a perfect world, human respect would be an automatic reaction only to those who are strong, kind, and morally courageous. The person who profits from frightening you is not likely to be any of these.

The resolve to keep respect separate from fear is even more crucial for groups and nations. The politician, small or lofty, who menaces the people with frequent reminders of the possibility of crime, violence, or terrorism, and who then uses their magnified fear to gain allegiance is more likely to be a successful con artist than a legitimate leader. This too has been true throughout human history. (This applies to Cyberpaths who apply the 'if you do...., then I will...." to keep you silent about the truth about them. Or who threaten to tell your friends, coworkers or hurt your family & friends. This includes those who defame and libel your reputation to people who don't even know you and rewrite history in their favor!)

7 - Do not join the game.
Intrigue is a sociopath's tool.

Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him.

In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.

8 - The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication.

The only truly effective method for dealing with a sociopath you have identified is to disallow him or her from your life altogether. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social arrangements is perilous. Begin this exclusion of them in the context of your own relationships and social life.

You will not hurt anyone's feelings. Strange as it seems, and though they may try to pretend otherwise, sociopaths do not have any such feelings to hurt.

You may never be able to make your family and friends understand why you are avoiding a particular individual. Sociopathy is surprisingly difficult to see, and harder to explain. Avoid him/ her anyway.

If total avoidance is impossible, make plans to come as close as you can to the goal of total avoidance.

9 - Question your tendency to pity too easily.
Respect should be reserved for the kind and the morally courageous. Pity is another socially valuable response, and should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune. If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy & compassion, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.

Related to this-- I recommend that you severely challenge your need to be polite in absolutely all situations. For normal adults in our culture, being what we think of as "civilized" is like a reflex, and often we find ourselves being automatically decorous even when someone has enraged us, repeatedly lied to us, or figuratively stabbed us in the back. Sociopaths take huge advantage of this automatic courtesy in exploitive situations.

Do not be afraid to be unsmiling and calmly to the point.

10 - Do not try to redeem the unredeemable.
Second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances are for people who possess conscience. If you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how to swallow hard and cut your losses.

At some point, most of us need to learn the important if disappointing life lesson that, no matter how good our intentions, we cannot control the behavior -- let alone the character structures -- of other people. Learn this fact of human life, and avoid the irony of getting caught up in the same ambition he has-- to control.

If you do not desire control, but instead want to help people, then help only those who truly want to be helped. I think you will find this does not include the person who has no conscience.

The sociopath's behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever. It is also not your mission. Your mission is your own life.

11 - Never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or her true character.

"Please don't tell," often spoken tearfully and with great gnashing of teeth, is the trademark plea of thieves, abusers -- and sociopaths. Do not listen to this siren-song. Other people deserve to be warned more than sociopaths deserve to have you keep their secrets. (i.e. - EXPOSURE WORKS!)

If someone without conscience insists that you "owe" him or her, recall what you are about to read here -- that "You owe me" has been the standard line of sociopaths for thousands of years, quite literally, and is still so. It is what Rasputin told the Empress of Russia. It is what Hannah's father implied to her, after her eye-opening conversation with him at the prison.

We tend to experience "You owe me" as a compelling claim, but it is simply not true. Do not listen.

Also, ignore the one that goes, "You are just like me." You are not.

12 - Defend your psyche.
Do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, to convince you that humanity is a failure. Most human beings do possess conscience. Most human beings are able to love.

MARCH 2008 PREDATOR OF THE MONTH: DANIEL JACOBY

Jacby's very very similar to many of our other cyberpaths. Follows the same lines and preys on wounded persons. He's a flaming narcissist and feels all powerful behind a keyboard. He scams those he preys on out of goods, costing them thousands of dollars. He is truly after only a couple things: FREE CYBERSEX and FUN & MIND-GAMES.

- Does he tell any of his victims he's playing? NO!
- Do his victims know his true intentions? NO!

And he likes to threaten and intimidate them when they find out who & what he truly is.

He bores easily and will move on to new prey either after or have a few on the go simultaneously.

He will even lie to law enforcement to get his VICTIMS charged with harrassment or defamation. But those lies don't hold water - and eventually he is show as the "boy who cried wolf."

He's nothing special, he's a soul-sucking liar, a keyboard jockey who's never gone past the high school game of telling a woman he doesn't even know he LOVES her - and then uses her for his sexual gratification. His M.O. is as common as grass. So enjoy this month's adventures with "DB." His victim gives an overview:
Jacoby hangs around support forums looking for vulnerable women coming off prescription drugs.

He scans blogs looking for an "in" then pounces with his "look how cool but 'sensitive' I am" routine and proceeds to suck trusting women into his filthy pit of lies and deceit. He lives with his wife, even though he spins a yarn about "waiting for his divorce to be finalized."

He lies about his alleged poverty and takes what he can from good hearted women when all the time he's driving around in his fancy Dodge Viper.

He's a dirty, narcissistic bottom-dweller, who, when his victims wake up to the the snake that he is, turns on and denigrates them in a most disgusting manner. He lives on the energy of women and drama under the pretence of love and devotion. He fits the profile of the narcissistic cyberpath perfectly.

Sometimes I wonder if he even took a prescription medication. His taper-off seems to have lasted for years. I suspect he stumbled across these kind of sites after playing this game on different forums where other vulnerable women would be. I see him on other boards now acting like an angel and taking everyone in, and it makes my stomach turn. I know for a fact he's smearing me like he did about other women to me. I should have listened to his other victims when they tried to warn me.

As I said he is allegedly in the throes of withdrawal from medication himself. I don't know to this day if or how much of this is true. I do know there've been plenty of ALLEGED hospital visits. I wouldn't put anything past him.

I was warned by other women back in the day that he was a sexual predator, but refused to listen. I was "in love" after he'd used seduction techniques he's honed over time on me. He always used to tell me that the other women were just jealous and were "crazy, nut-jobs or slutty tramps" (Sound familiar, readers? Probably saying the same about her now too.)

Of course I believed him, because I was in the height of withdrawal, I felt he was a lifeline for me as well as being fooled that he was honest. Additionally he was always "my poor baby who nobody understood but me"; effectively targeting my caretaker instincts.

He was booted from the forum where I met him and transferred his attention to other similar forums looking for prey. (Typical. The Cyberpath doesn't change his behavior or M.O. - just his hunting grounds or his IP or his nickname)

There's one poor woman in particular who hangs on his every word and I swear she'd take a bullet for him. If only she knew the opinion of her he shared with me! (again, sound familiar Readers?)

This filth scans the members list and singles out women that catch his predatory eye then watches until you're posting that you're really having a hard time and voila! He will play on the memory of a loved one who has passed away to get you to think of him the way you thought of them. He'll then try to replace them in your heart and mind and "be there" for you. He'll open you up and lead you along but the truth is you're not the only one. (See LURES OF THE ONLINE PREDATOR)

The pills you're withdrawing from blind you and he doesn't break contact for long enough to give you a chance to think or to come up for air. (Love Bombing) That is until you outwear your usefullness, like I did. That's when he gets nasty and turns it all back onto you.

He's warned me that he'll smear my good character should I expose him for what he is, but let him try. (Narcissistic Rage)

It was shared with me a while back that he persuaded & coaxed a very vulnerable female who was an ex heroin addict to perform lurid sex acts on the webcam. He denied it and blamed someone else. (of course! cyberpath's take ZERO responsibility. Some even get a counselor, clergyman, etc to GO ALONG with the "she's just as guilty" b.s. they throw at their victims) He blamed another man and accused him of other misdeed (in reality, probably done by Jacoby!).

He's a filthy, stinking beast. I can't let him do this to any other women and I feel like I should exonerate those I didn't believe when they tried to warn me. I also "googled" a lot of information on him and found him registered on "sexforums" among others. He freaked that I had the audacityto do that. (An innocent person wouldn't CARE!!)
He asked me over and over to perform lurid sex acts on a webcam and when I refused he'd freak and say that if I loved him I would do it to "make him happy". I put all this down to his illness & withdrawal symptoms, but realize now that he really is the manipulative predator I was told that he was.

He just thinks he's superior to everyone else, and others (especially women) are beneath him. Some of the things he's said about females he acts friendly with now have been despicable. Heck, he even talks trash about some other men he's friendly with, too. He acts very friendly & familiar with them, but he calls them awful names. They'd get the shock of their lives if they knew what he really thinks of them.

Women should beware and stay away from this low-life. He's an emotional leech that'll suck you dry and think nothing of it.

In reflection, I wonder what I ever saw in him. I usually like a guy with more hair. He never would remove that cap from the many pics and webcam stuff I saw.

I have prayed long and hard before I decided to do this. It's not a "knee-jerk" reaction and I am not a &"woman scorned"; as he told me he will portray me as if I ever came forward with all this. (Don't worry - they ALL do that - it gets tired after a while. Readers if someone online is telling you "so & so is a scorned/ jealous woman"? Make it your BUSINESS to talk to that scorned/ jealous woman. Its a MAJOR RED FLAG that you're dealing with a cyberpath!)

This is the difference between right and wrong; and doing the "right thing" has always, ALWAYS been extrememly important to me. I honestly believe that evil only prospers for so long and good will always win out. I may have done some wrong in believing him, but I am here to dust myself off and stand up for myself and others Jacoby may have harmed.

This man raped my soul and deserves to be shown for exactly what he is. A sick, twisted monster. I just thank God I've been blessed with a conscience & empathy. If this piece of filth was even half a real man he'd get down on his knees and ask God and me for forgiveness.

At the very least he'd pay me back my money. I won't hold my breath, though. He has the morals of a flea on a rat. If I can save even ONE WOMAN from going through the HELL that I'M GOING THOUGH, it'll be worth it all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(one big warning sign here... notice how Jacoby talks about his WIFE - Lisa. If they dis their spouses -- do a background check!! And remember: YOU ARE NEXT ON THE "DIS LIST")

From: "Dan"
Tue, 20 Jun 2006 16:13:24 -0400
Subject: RE: *

It's nasty. As my stomach gets full and the heat gets more intense, the nerves in my mouth and throat go in to overdrive. Used to be sometimes things got better as the day went on. Now they just get more intense. I can start swallowing therapy any time I want, but it seems pointless if my neck and throat muscles are going to be in rebound spasms as I taper no matter what. I would rather do therapy once I know I have no medications in the way. We'll see how things go in the coming weeks. I want to eat and speak again so badly. I know you're too fragile for any more grief right now. Yeah. A repeat of last summer and then some. :-/

Lisa doesn't care. That's what I'm talking about when I say she's mean. She knows I would have loved to have seen 1 or 2 pictures. They had a cake with a picture of N as a baby and on her 18th birthday. Never saw it. Not even a photo. Its just not right.

I'm so exhausted from this heat. Praying it lets up and doesn't get worse through August.

Did you see J wrote a book about benzos? He mentions my game site (ToadGames.com)
in it a few times. I chuckled when I saw it was dedicated to people like G, G, and ME, LOL. I bet they just fumed when they saw that! (his favorite word? ME!!)

He really can write. It's a shame he has such a twisted motive behind everything. Lots of odd people in this benzo world. Can't wait to leave it all behind.

I love you. Danny xxxxxx

BARF!

JACOBY'S WEB DESIGN SITE

JACOBY'S GAMES SITE

As always, our comments were in dark blue. More as the month wears on about Dan Jacoby and his Cyberpathic Emotional, Sexual & Financial Vampirism.

WARNING (2009) - Jacoby (a web designer & computer expert!) has found his way BACK on to the recovery forumsusing a new IP number and false identities (ex: "Nurse Tanya" and "Elwood"). Despite the forum managers saying they have banned him forever - they have not been able to stop this remorseless predator! One forum manager refuses to listen and remove his multiple identities. Beware!