IN ONLINE RELATIONSHIPS: Warning Signs to Look Out For

EOPC's comments in dark blue.
by Jennifer M. Good

If you are in, or are interested in being in, an online relationship, it is important to know what things to look out for so you don't get hurt -- physically or emotionally. The advice you'll find below is meant for you to use as a way to help protect yourself from getting hurt. The tips are mostly common sense, but sometimes when it comes to love, it's good to have it written down for reference.

Person is too secretive.This can be as simple as the person is insecure with letting out information about themselves, to the person being married or living with someone else.

Person is often flirting with other people online.
Just as in real life you can find "players" online. Watch how your online interest interacts with others. You'll learn more about them, as well as be able to spot any unusual interests.

Person wants too much information about you right away.
Unless you are 100% completely comfortable about this person, don't give away any personal information. Even then, it is a good idea to keep important information to yourself. (if they do this - they are PROFILING you, MIRRORING you and BRAINWASHING you!)

Person seems only interested in cyber or phone sex.Unless this is something you are interested in, this relationship is probably not going very far. (If they don't want to meet for lunch or dinner or spend any time with you - if they live close - ditch them. They are using you like an "online hooker".)

After trust has been established, person will only give you a pager or cell phone number, but not a home number.
This again could just be precautionary, but again, it could indicate a cheating heart. (married or involved?)
After enough time has developed, person is adamant about not meeting in person. The reason for this could range from the person hiding something about their physical self, their lifestyle, other romantic involvement's, or just protecting themselves. (excuses can range from "I don't think I can control myself with you" to "I don't go out/ have time" to "I don't think its a good idea")
Person wants you to move to local area or in with them after only one or two meetings, or less than one year.
While my husband and I broke this rule, I strongly urge other couples to really get to know each other in person. It worked out well for me, but if follow this advice you will find yourself more confident about your choices if you really take the time to know them in person before deciding to make the big traveling step.

You find the person posting other personal ads online.
An obvious heartbreak! (especially if they are posting at BangMatch.com or Eroticy.com, etc.... sex partner sites, while trying to lure YOU into and keep you in an EMOTIONAL relationship online so they can use & manipulate you further)

Person keeps e-mails from other people hidden or a secret.
Something to keep an eye out for. Any relationship that begins or is involved in secrecy has it's days numbered. (OR...... they tell you not to talk to so & so online and you later find they told the other person not to talk to YOU either!! and give each of you bogus reasons to no longer talk. If THAT happens MAKE IT YOUR BUSINESS TO CONTACT THE OTHER PERSON IMMEDIATELY!)
Person asks for money or other help or even suggests they are broke.
You may feel comfortable with this, but it's not a good idea, especially if your just met them. Don't open yourself to a potentially huge loss.
Person won't let you mail cards or other gifts to home address.
This is also another sign of a possible romantic interest living with them. Take the extra precautions to make sure your online interest is not already involved with someone. (they won't even GIVE you a home address! Run!)

Every tip is dependent upon your instincts. What is good for one person may not be good for the next. Use your head, and your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, question it and resolve it quickly. You may discover it was a case of doubt, but you may also discover it wasn't!

ORIGINAL ARTICLE FOUND HERE

The 'Cyberpath's' Absolute Narcissism

extrapolated from the great work of Claudia Moscovici:

Psychopaths (or cyberpaths) suffer from the most extreme form of narcissism. Narcissists put others down, or dominate them, in order to get validation as superior to them. Usually such individuals seem to be exactly as they are: smug, snobby, self-absorbed to the point of being ridiculous. Since psychopaths (or cyberpaths) wear a mask of sanity, however, their narcissism is better camouflaged, at least initially.
 
It’s also far more acute and dangerous. Psychopaths (or cyberpaths) put others down in order to crush them. No matter how charming and modest they may seem in superficial contact, their ego feeds upon the victimization of others, including–or rather, especially–their family members, spouses, lovers and children. They aren’t satisfied with simply proving their superiority. They need to also humiliate and harm those around them in order to feel empowered and superior to them.

Clinically speaking, narcissism constitutes what Hervey Cleckley calls in The Mask of Sanity a “pathological egocentricity and incapacity for love.” Narcissists are so self-absorbed that they can’t envision the needs and reactions of others. They regard others as mirrors whose main role is to reflect–and magnify–the image of their own greatness. Although psychopaths (or cyberpaths) are narcissistic to an extreme, they’re also far worse than most narcissists. At least most narcissists—excluding perhaps “malignant narcissists”–can experience self-doubt. They also need love and validation from other individuals.

Psychopaths (or cyberpaths) embody narcissism with a grotesque twist. They lack the depth to experience or need a personal, individuated kind of love. As Cleckley observes, “The psychopath (or cyberpath) is always distinguished by egocentricity. This is usually of a degree not seen in ordinary people and often is little short of astonishing.” (The Mask of Sanity, 347) Furthermore, unlike narcissists, who, as mentioned, often show themselves to be vain to the point of self-caricature, psychopaths (or cyberpaths) don’t usually appear to be arrogant, self-absorbed or boastful. They can mask much better their grossly inflated egos, as they camouflage everything else that’s deviant and dangerous in their personalities.  They compellingly present themselves as loving, affectionate and other-regarding individuals.

However, as Cleckley notes,  “Deeper probing will always reveal a self-centeredness that is apparently unmodifiable and all but complete. This can perhaps be best expressed by stating that it is an incapacity for object love and that this incapacity (in my experience with well-marked psychopaths (or cyberpaths) appears to be absolute.” (347) Cleckley correlates object-love, or caring about another person, with the capacity to feel empathy. Without empathy, you can’t understand what others feel. You therefore don’t have a disincentive to cause them harm or pain. Conversely, you lack the incentive to make them happier. Love, or even kindness, don’t exist without empathy.

That’s not to say that psychopaths (or cyberpaths) can’t experience any sort of fondness whatsoever. But their affection tends to be self-serving, fleeting and superficial. In some cases, it manifests itself as an intense, obsessive drive to possess another person. Cleckley grants that, “[The psychopath (or cyberpath)] is plainly capable of casual fondness, of likes and dislikes, and of reactions that, one might say, cause others to matter to him.” (348) He qualifies, “These affective reactions are, however, always strictly limited in degree. In durability they also vary greatly from what is normal in mankind. The term absolute is, I believe, appropriate if we apply it to any affective attitude strong and meaningful enough to be called love, that is, anything that prevails in sufficient degree and over sufficient periods to exert a major influence on behavior.” (347) Whenever they seem to be passionately in love or to experience genuine parental or filial devotion, psychopaths (or cyberpaths) are faking it.

Let’s return again to the case of Neil Entwistle. Opening the door for his wife, giving her romantic gifts, posting the pictures of her and their newborn baby on a joint website, doesn’t mean anything if he’s prepared to literally sacrifice his family to his whims. To this effect, Cleckley observes, “The psychopath (or cyberpath) seldom shows anything that, if the chief facts were known, would pass even in the eyes of lay observers as object love. His absolute indifference to the financial, social, emotional, physical, and other hardships that he brings upon those for whom he professes love confirms the appraisal during psychiatric studies of his true attitude. We must, let it never be forgotten, judge a man by his actions rather than by his words.” (348)

Because they can’t love others, psychopaths (or cyberpaths) also lack the motivation to improve their character and behavior. Cleckley concludes, “This lack in the psychopath (or cyberpath) makes it all but impossible for an adequate emotional rapport to arise in his treatment and may be an important factor in the therapeutic failure that, in my experience, has been universal.” (348)

Claudia's blog

Claudia's book

PREDATORS TARGET SINGLE/ DISABLED/ DIVORCED/ ABUSED MOMS

DIVORCED, ABUSED, DISABLED
OR SINGLE MOM?

AN ONLINE PREDATOR IS LOOKING FOR YOU!

(As EOPC has said - PREDATORS HUNT THE WOUNDED! Are you divorced, alone, depressed, single, disabled, verbally/ emotionally abused, single parent and online? You're a Target!)

More than 20 million Americans log on to their computers each month looking for love, according to Online Dating Magazine.

While getting to know a potential mate from the privacy of their home may be comforting to some — especially single women getting back in the dating pool — it is not without danger. A growing number of sexual predators and pedophiles are taking advantage of online anonymity and using dating sites to prey on single/ divorced/ disabled/ abused mothers and their children.

One single mother, who asked that her identity be withheld to protect her daughter, had such an experience.

She met her future husband online and within in six months, the couple were living together. Two years into the relationship they married.

"At the time, it just seemed magical," she said. "It was the dream come true."

Discovering the Truth
But FBI agents said they discovered the man's true intentions when an undercover agent intercepted his e-mails during an online chat. "These e-mails indicated that he actually married the mother to have access to the child," said FBI Special Agent Deborah McCarley.

Police said women looking for companionship can be easy targets. In this case, the man took advantage of the mother's vulnerability to get to her 6-year-old daughter.

"I think I was really looking for someone to rescue me, although I didn't recognize it at the time," the mother said.

The mother said she decided to speak out for the first time on "Good Morning America" to help other women.

Confronting the Allegations
The woman said she had no idea any abuse was taking place and saw no warning signs until the day the FBI knocked on her door.

"That day I felt like somebody stuck a straw in my ear and sucked out my brain," she said. "It really just felt like I had been punched in the stomach."

A tape obtained by "GMA" captured her anguish as she confronted her husband on the phone.
Mother: How could you do this to me?

Husband: How could I do it to anybody? I don't know.

Mother: How could you do it to her?

Husband: I'm sorry. I have no answer.

Mother: I trusted you!

Husband: I know. You're right.

Mother: I loved you with all my heart!
Husband: What I have done is evil and it's wrong and there are going to be a lot of people that are going to hate me now. And I don't blame any of them.

Not only did her now-former husband molest her daughter, but he also offered the girl to other pedophiles online. Authorities stepped in just in time.

"I'd never say that I was going to kill myself, but there's times where I wish that I would die," the mother said.

Now, the couple have divorced. The ex-husband currently is serving 30 years in prison for his crimes, while his victim continues her health process.

"She's awesome," the mother said. "She's doing so well. She's got her sense of self-worth back, and I'm so proud of her."

A Disturbing Trend?
This case is just one example of predators using dating sites/ reunion sites/ penpal sites/ single or divorced parent sites and even Christian dating sites to supplement their crimes.

After conducting online searches and talking to law enforcement officers around the nation, "GMA" uncovered cases of dangerous online dating situations all across the country.

The research found instances of sex offenders trolling Web sites and not mentioning their pasts, Internet romances that led to beatings and rapes and felons who never admitted their convictions in their dating profiles.

"Once they feel comfortable on that Internet, they feel like they're shielded because they're on that computer," said Phoenix Police Department Sgt. Andy Hill.

Celeste Moyers, the director of the Safer Online Dating Alliance, said that if someone wants to do harm, that person will find a way to do it.

"People are caught off guard," she said. "Even the smartest savviest online dater can be a victim of sexual assault."

Protecting Yourself
States including New Jersey are considering legislation that will require dating sites to clearly disclose whether or not they conduct background screenings on members.

Don't EVER use your personal e-mail address. Don't include information in this new address that would allow a predator to identify you.
Do not EVER post pictures of yourself or your children or give out details about their sexes or ages ANYWHERE online (that includes Facebook).

original article found here

SURPRISE! Con Men Targeting Online Dating Sites

By Tamara Cohen and Lynn Davidson

(U.K.)  Dating and social networking websites are becoming a magnet for confidence tricksters preying on ‘lonely hearts’, a study reveals. It says as many as 200,000 people may have been persuaded last year to give money to fraudsters using false identities to pursue relationships with them.

But because of the shame victims feel, fewer than 600 cases were reported.

The researchers say ‘rom cons’ are particularly traumatic because of the ‘double hit’ of losing money and what victims had hoped was a romantic relationship. In some cases, victims have committed suicide.

The research at Leicester University – the first to measure the scale of this relatively new crime – found that in a YouGov poll of more than 2,000 British adults, one in every 50 knew a victim.

The fraudsters – usually tied to organised crime and based outside the UK – often use pictures of soldiers or models when making contact with their victims on dating or social networking websites. They then act swiftly to move the ‘relationship’ away from the monitored sites to personal online services such as private email accounts to carry out the fraud, claiming to be in dire financial straits or needing urgent funds that they promise to pay back. In some cases, when victims do not send cash, scammers involve them in money laundering by asking them to accept payments in their bank accounts.

The study’s author, Professor Monica Whitty, said: ‘Our data confirms law enforcement suspicions that this is an under-reported crime, and thus more serious than first thought.

‘This is a concern not solely because people are losing large sums of money to these criminals, but also because of the psychological impact experienced by victims. It may be the shame and upset experienced by the victims deters them from reporting the crime. We believe new methods of reporting the crime are needed.’

Action Fraud, the national fraud reporting and advice centre, identified 592 victims of the crime in 2010. Of these, 203 lost more than £5,000. But the losses can be as high as £240,000, according to the Serious Organised Crime Agency.

Colin Woodcock, senior manager for fraud prevention at the agency, noted that the research found 52 per cent of people had heard of online romance scams, showing ‘progress has been made in raising awareness’.

But he added: ‘Millions of people in the UK remain at risk.

‘By being aware of how to stay safe online, the public can ensure they don’t join those who have lost nearly every penny they had, been robbed of their self-respect and, in some cases, committed suicide after being exploited by these criminals. It is crucial that nobody sends money to someone they meet online, and haven’t got to know well and in person.’

original article found here

EOPC HAS KNOWN THIS AND BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS!

THE AFTERMATH: PTSD

The Aftermath of Trauma:
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Far too many of the victims we speak to start out saying "I'm strong, I can handle it." We don't buy it. We get emails months later saying the victim(s) can't eat, sleep or are obsessed with what happened. We recommend all our victims get help from someone who understands this sort of trauma.

(VERY VERY few doctors or counselors "get it" about pathological relationships... even if they say they do.  But counseling is needed for PTSD and PSAS)

Most of us build our lives around the belief that we will be relatively safe. Granted, normal daily life involves many stressors, especially in these hectic times, but we expect these pressures to happen and we become accustomed to handling them. The more flexible we are and the more we know ourselves and are in touch with our abilities, the easier it is to deal with normal everyday stress.Sometimes, however, any of us could be subjected to catastrophic stress. Our feeling of safety in these circumstances can vanish. We could experience terror and a complete inability to know how to handle these situations that are outside of the ordinary realm of experience. These catastrophic events can include physical or sexual abuse, physical attack, mugging, car-jacking, being used, "taken" or emotionally raped or the sudden death of a loved one. It is not only the victims of these events, but also witnesses, families of victims, and helping professionals who can develop severe stress symptoms which can last for months or even years after the event
 .

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the term used to characterize people who have endured highly stressful and frightening experiences and who are undergoing distress caused by memories of that event. It is as if the person just cannot let go of the experience. The event comes back to haunt them. The anxiety experienced during or immediately after a catastrophic event is called traumatic stress. When the symptoms last several months after the event, it is called post-traumatic stress. PTSD can last for years after the original trauma and may not become evident initially. For example, an individual may witness a murder as a child, but not experience the associated stress until mid-life.

Some people are more likely to develop PTSD than others. Experts are not sure why some people develop PTSD after a relatively minor trauma while others exposed to great trauma do not. Trauma of great severity is more likely to produce PTSD than lesser traumas. For example, it was found with Vietnam War veterans that prolonged combat with sniping and air bombardment produced PTSD more often than brief exposure to combat with few weapons. It has also been found that traumas between people (such as sexual assault and muggings) are more likely to produce PTSD than natural disasters like earthquakes or floods.Symptoms of PTSDPeople can be considered to have PTSD when they have been exposed to an extreme trauma, the symptoms last at least a month in duration, and the symptoms cause excessive distress so that social functioning and job performance are impaired. One sign of PTSD is that the traumatic event is relived repeatedly in the person s mind and this appears in the form of flashbacks, recurrent images, thoughts or dreams about the events, panic attacks...and even nightmares.

Reminders of the event can cause distress so many people go out of their way to avoid places and events that remind them of the catastrophic occurrence. Many people experience anxiety, restlessness, concentration difficulties, decreased memory, irritability, sleeplessness, hypervigilance, or an exaggerated startle response.

Some people even experience what is called survivors guilt because they survived and others did not or because of certain things they may have had to do in order to survive. (Or feel guilty they were "so stupid" and didn't see the red cyberpathy flags)
There are three main clusters of PTSD symptoms, and all three of these groupings must be present for a diagnosis of PTSD.

Intrusive Symptoms: Intrusive and repetitive memories which stir up negative feelings experienced during the trauma can overwhelm a person. These memories can appear in the form of:

* flashbacks (a feeling of reliving the trauma)
* frequent, distressing memories of the trauma

* nightmares

* emotional and physical distress when traumatic memories are triggered.

Arousal Symptoms: PTSD sufferers experience physiological reactions, which indicate that they don t feel safe and they are physically on the alert to deal with danger. These can include:* being easily startled or feeling jumpy
* hypervigilance (feeling on guard even when the situation is safe)
* concentration difficulties

* sexual numbness or hyperarousal
* outbursts of anger and irritability
* problems in falling asleep or staying asleep.

Avoidance Symptoms: People suffering from PTSD go out of their way to escape the overpowering memories and arousal symptoms. This pattern of behavior can include:
* avoiding places, people or (online) situations that serve as reminders of the trauma
* avoiding thoughts or feelings associated with the trauma
* memory loss about some aspects of the traumatic event
* feeling emotionally numb
* feeling estranged or detached from other people
* feelings of hopelessness and helplessness about the future
* decreased interest in pleasurable activities.There are other emotional and physical problems that may accompany PTSD. Unfortunately, some people seek relief from these symptoms without dealing with the root cause so that the symptoms persist. (this can include: having drinks to 'relax,' chain smoking, pacing, obsessive or repetitive behaviors, etc) These problems may precede PTSD, in which case they become exacerbated, or they might develop after the onset of PTSD.

The emotional problems include panic disorder, agoraphobia (fear of being out in public), social anxiety (speaking in public), depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, sleep disorders, suicidal thoughts and substance abuse (drugs such as sleeping pills or relaxants or alcohol abuse).

The physical problems can include skin problems, pain, gastrointestinal disorders, fatigue, respiratory problems, low back pain, muscle cramps, headaches, adrenal fatigue, cortisol insufficiency and cardiovascular problems. Some go on to develop autoimmune illnesses such as CFIDS, chronic myofascial pain, fibromyalgia, lupus, M.S. and so on.  Medical research studies have backed this up.  The constant flooding of your system with adrenaline and cortisol cause breakdowns in the immune system.

 It is important to remember that PTSD is a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. There is no shame in experiencing these symptoms, nor is having these symptoms a sign of weakness. Help is available from trained professionals so that in most cases, with the appropriate effort and courage, the symptoms can disappear completely, or at least substantially decrease and become more manageable.

Getting Help for PTSD
We live in a world of relative safety most of the time but it is a world in which people often lack support for dealing with calamities. In these times we may not have the extended families, long-term friendships, sense of neighborhood, feeling of community or the support from religion that have historically helped people endure times of crisis. We usually get along without difficulty as long as things go smoothly. But when a crisis occurs, we sometimes simply do not know what to do or where to turn.

Traumatic events can leave us stranded. We may lack not only social support when a crisis occurs, but also the language for understanding the place of tragedy in our lives. We may not know how to conceptualize it how to use words that can describe a disaster and make it real. We may not know how to react emotionally when crisis comes into our lives these are feelings that we may have never experienced before and they may frighten us. So we refuse to accept the crisis or to deal with it. We think we are strong and able to endure anything. 

Denial comes easily. Refusing or not knowing how to deal with the thoughts and feelings that accompany a major catastrophe, unfortunately, sets us up for PTSD. And it is not our fault.PTSD is highly treatable, especially if it is caught early. The idea behind the treatment is to process or work through the traumatic event, as well as to manage the immediate troublesome symptoms the person is experiencing. A trained therapist can help the PTSD sufferer to find the words, in a safe and gentle way, to talk about the event and to confront the feelings that accompany the experience. This is not an easy step, but it is a necessary one. While it might seem natural to avoid reliving a painful memory, it is important to face the memories, feel the emotions and try to work through them. When this happens, the trauma no longer controls the person the person is now in control of the memory of the trauma to the extent that he or she can approach it objectively and flexibly.

A person who has survived a traumatic event will probably never feel as if the event never happened, but the distressing and disruptive effects of PTSD can be alleviated. In therapy, a person can learn to describe a coherent account of his or her life. People who are able to do this are much less susceptible to the effects of trauma. Therapists use a number of techniques to help a person work through traumatic events, some involving talking and some involving more physical interventions. Sometimes medication can help to lessen the anxiety, depression and sleep difficulties, as well as the physical symptoms, which go along with PTSD.

DO NOT let anyone tell you medication is a BAD THING! Trauma changes the brain!

The old way of thinking was that the strongest people were those who could hold in their emotions and face tragedy stoically.Unfortunately, this is precisely the pattern which leads to PTSD.

Real strength comes from knowing oneself and expressing that sense of self in the world with openness, honesty, integrity and courage.
 
Some PTSD Statistics
Most people who are exposed to extreme stress are able to process their way through their reactions and never develop PTSD.
* It has been estimated that 70 percent of people will be exposed to a traumatic event in their lifetime.
* Of those people, 20 percent will go on to develop PTSD.

* At any given time, an estimated 5 percent of people have PTSD.

* Approximately 8 percent of the population will develop PTSD during their lifetime.

* Women are about twice as likely to develop PTSD as men, mostly because women are more susceptible to experience interpersonal violence, including rape, exploitation and physical beatings.

* Victims of domestic violence and childhood abuse are at tremendous risk for PTSD.


Do You Have PTSD?
Do you have any of the following problems? If you check at least seven of the following items and it is after you have experienced a catastrophic event, it is advisable to have a professional consultation to determine if therapy for PTSD is indicated.

____ 1. I have strong physical sensations (e.g., sweating, rapid heart beat) when I think about the event. or person.

____ 2. I try to avoid having upsetting thoughts or having contact with things or places associated with the event.

____ 3. My feelings are numb and I have difficulty experiencing normal pleasure and happiness.

____ 4. I am always watchful to make sure I don't experience the same event again.

____ 5. I have feelings of guilt associated with the traumatic event.

____ 6. I have the feeling of being unreal or that the world is unreal.

____ 7. I feel alienated or isolated from others.

____ 8. I get irritated or angry a lot.

____ 9. I have flashbacks of the event (feeling like the past event is happening all over again in the present).

____ 10. I have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because memories of the event come into my mind.

____ 11. I have memory difficulties and trouble concentrating these days.

____ 12. I am easily startled when I hear a loud noise or when danger seems imminent.

____ 13. I have been relying increasingly on alcohol or drugs (or cigarettes) to get through the day.

You never have to go through this alone. Know that there is help for you!

Cyberpaths Cause PTSD! You Are Not Losing Your Mind!

EOPC has taken excerpts from the late Tim Field's seminal work on Bullying and adjusted it for the victims of Cyberpaths. It fits the criteria and should be illustrative for both victims & their friends/ family.

The PTSD any victim has have from any dealings with a cyberpath:

• is not something you should be ashamed of, you did NOTHING wrong.
  
• You had NO WAY of knowing the cyberpath's true intentions.you are NOT at fault in any way -- you need to be validated.
• Saying "get over it" or "it's no big deal" to you is re-victimizing you-- you need properly trained therapists.
• If your therapist tells you to "just move on" -- you may need a new therapist or to educate your current one.
  

PTSD, Complex PTSD and bullying

It's widely accepted that PTSD can result from a single, major, life-threatening event, as defined in DSM-IV. Now there is growing awareness that PTSD can also result from an accumulation of many small, individually non-life-threatening incidents. To differentiate the cause, the term "Complex PTSD" is used.

There has recently been a trend amongst some psychiatric professionals to label people suffering Complex PTSD as a exhibiting a personality disorder, especially Borderline Personality Disorder. This is not the case - PTSD, Complex or otherwise, is a psychiatric injury and nothing to do with personality disorders.

It seems that Complex PTSD can potentially arise from any prolonged period of negative stress in which certain factors are present, which may include any of:

• lack of means of escape,
• entrapment,
• repeated violation of boundaries,
• betrayal,
• rejection,
• bewilderment,
• confusion,
• and - crucially - lack of control, loss of control and disempowerment.

It is the overwhelming nature of the events and the inability (helplessness, lack of knowledge, lack of support etc) of the person trying to deal with those events that leads to the development of Complex PTSD.

Situations which might give rise to Complex PTSD include bullying, harassment, abuse, domestic violence, stalking, unresolved grief, [emotional rape, involvement with a cyberpath, betrayal], etc.

Until recently, little (or no) attention was paid to the psychological harm caused by [cyberpathy]. Misperceptions (usually as a result of the observer's lack of knowledge or lack of empathy) still abound:

"It's something you have to put up with" (like rape or repeated sexual abuse?) and "It will toughen you up" (ditto).

Stalker types

Intimate partner: this stalker, the most common type, is a partner or more usually an ex-partner who can't and wont accept that a relationship has come to an end. They can't let go.

Vengeful stalker: this is the most dangerous type whose mission is to get even and/or take revenge. Mostly male, he has a grudge and he's going to do something about it.

Delusional stalker: this one has a history of mental illness which may include schizophrenia or manic depression and psychopathy. This stalker may have stopped taking his or her medication and now lives in a fantasy world composed of part reality and part delusion which he is unable to differentiate. If they're not careful, targets of the delusional stalker are likely to be sucked in to this fantasy world and start to have doubts about their own sanity, especially if the stalker is intelligent, and intermittently and seamlessly lucid and appears "normal".

Erotomaniac: this stalker is also delusional and mentally ill and believes he or she is in love with you and will have created an entire relationship in their head.

Variations

Harasser stalker: some stalker types like to be the center of attention and may have an attention-seeking personality disorder; they may not be stalkers in the strict sense of the word but repeatedly pester anyone (especially anyone who is kind, vulnerable or inexperienced) who might be persuaded to pay them attention. They may select a victim who they stalk by fabricating claims of harassment by this person against themselves. They fabricate or cobble-together information to make it appear that they (the harasser) are the victim of this person and to justify their harassment.

Cyberstalkers, Cyberpaths and love rats: again, these may not be stalkers in the strict sense of the word but they have many similar characteristics. Cyberstalkers and love rats surf the web with the intention of starting relationships and may have several simultaneous relationships. The targets of a cyberstalker may know little about the person they are talking to (other than what they've convincingly been fed) and be unaware of a trail of other targets past and present. [BBC News Online item]

Troll. The Troll's purpose is to be given more credibility than (s)he deserves, and to suck people into useless, pointless, never-ending, emotionally-draining, ranting discussions full of verbal loops and "word labyrinths" (word salad), playing people against each other, hurting their feelings, and wasting their time and emotional energy.

It's common for stalkers to exhibit characteristics of more than one of these stalking types.

Warning signs

These are the signs to be alert to:

• refuses to accept "no" for an answer

• isolates you from your friends and/or family or harasses your friends/ family

• puts you down in front of your family or friends

• sends frequent unsolicited or unwelcome gifts

• makes offers of unsolicited help

• excessive niceness in the early stages

• use of guilt to manipulate your feelings or to force you into courses of action you feel uncomfortable with

• extreme jealousy

• frequent loss of temper

• follows you everywhere online or off

• threats

• emotional and verbal abuse

• threats of damage or destruction to your property

• talks about violence or is fascinated with themes of violence

• makes your family or friends feel scared or uneasy
  

[Dealing with a Cyberpath], often over a period of months or years, results in symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. How do the PTSD symptoms resulting from bullying meet the criteria in DSM-IV?

A. The prolonged (chronic) negative stress resulting from dealing with a [cyberpath] has lead to threat of loss of job, career, health, livelihood, often also resulting in threat to marriage and family life. The family are the unseen victims.

A.1.One of the key symptoms of prolonged negative stress is reactive depression; this causes the balance of the mind to be disturbed, leading first to thoughts of, then attempts at, and ultimately, suicide.

A.2.The target of the cyberpath may be unaware that they are being exploited, and even when they do realize (there's usually a moment of enlightenment as the person realizes that the criticisms and tactics of control, etc are invalid),

they often cannot bring themselves to believe they are dealing with a disordered personality who lacks a conscience and does not share the same moral values as themselves.

Naivety is the great enemy. The target is bewildered, confused, frightened, angry - and after enlightenment, very angry.

B.1. The target experiences regular intrusive violent visualizations and replays of events and conversations; often, the endings of these replays are altered in favour of the target.

B.2. Sleeplessness, nightmares and replays are a common feature.

B.3. The events are constantly relived; night-time and sleep do not bring relief as it becomes impossible to switch the brain off. Such sleep as is achieved is non-restorative and people wake up as tired, and often more tired, than when they went to bed.

B.4. Fear, horror, chronic anxiety, and panic attacks are triggered by any reminder of the experience, e.g.receiving threatening letters or email from the [cyberpath or their friends, their family or attorneys. Additionally postings on online boards or sites about the victim can add to these triggers and health related issues tremendously.]

B.5. Panic attacks, palpitations, sweating, trembling, vomitting, binge eating or forgetting to eat, ditto.
Criteria B4 and B5 manifest themselves as immediate physical and mental paralysis in response to any reminder of the [cyberpathy] or prospect being forced to take action against the [cyberpath].

C. Physical numbness (toes, fingertips, lips) is common, as is emotional numbness (especially inability to feel joy). Sufferers report that their spark has gone out and, even years later, find they just cannot get motivated about anything.

C.1. The target tries harder and harder to avoid saying or doing anything which reminds them of the horror of the exploitation.

C.2. Almost all callers to the Workplace Bullying Advice Line report impaired memory; this may be partly due to suppressing horrific memories, and partly due to damage to the hippocampus, an area of the brain linked to learning and memory

C.3. the person becomes obsessed with resolving the experience which takes over their life, eclipsing and excluding almost every other interest.

C.4. Feelings of withdrawal and isolation are common; the person just wants to be on their own and solitude is sought.

C.5. Emotional numbness, including inability to feel joy (anhedonia) and deadening of loving feelings towards others are commonly reported. One fears never being able to feel love again.

C.6. The target becomes very gloomy and senses a foreshortened career - usually with justification. Many targets ultimately have severe psychiatric injury, severely impaired health.

D.1. Sleep becomes almost impossible, despite the constant fatigue; such sleep as is obtained tends to be unsatisfying, unrefreshing and non-restorative. On waking, the person often feels more tired than when they went to bed. Depressive feelings are worst early in the morning. Feelings of vulnerability may be heightened overnight.

D.2. The person has an extremely short fuse and is often permanently irritated, especially by small insignificant events. The person frequently visualises a violent solution, e.g. arranging an accident for, or murdering the cyberpath; the resultant feelings of guilt tend to hinder progress in recovery.

D.3. Concentration is impaired to the point of precluding preparation for legal action, study, work, or search for work.

D.4. The person is on constant alert because their fight or flight mechanism has become permanently activated.

D.5. The person has become hypersensitized and now unwittingly and inappropriately perceives almost any remark as critical.

E. Recovery from a cyberpath experience is measured in years. Some people never fully recover.

F. For many, social life ceases and work becomes impossible.

Common symptoms of PTSD and Complex PTSD that sufferers report experiencing

• hypervigilance (feels like but is not paranoia)
• exaggerated startle response
  
• irritability
  
• sudden angry or violent outbursts flashbacks
• nightmares
  
• intrusive recollections, replays
• violent visualizations
  
• triggers
  
• sleep disturbance
  
• exhaustion, adrenal fatigue and chronic fatigue
  
• reactive depression
  
• guilt
• shame
• feelings of detachment
  
• avoidance behaviors
  
• nervousness
• anxiety
  
• phobias about specific daily routines, events or objects
  
• irrational or impulsive behaviour
  
• loss of interest
  
• loss of ambition
  
• anhedonia (inability to feel joy and pleasure)
  
• poor concentration
  
• impaired memory
  
• joint pains, muscle pains (sometimes becomes Fibromyalgia and/or Chronic Myofascial Pain)
  
• emotional numbness
  
• physical numbness
  
• low self-esteem
  
• an overwhelming sense of injustice and a strong desire to do something about it.

Associated symptoms of Complex PTSD

Survivor guilt:
Levels of guilt are also abnormally raised. The person may also find themselves being abnormally and inappropriately generous and giving.

Shame, embarrassment, guilt, and fear are encouraged by the [cyberpath], for this is how ALL abusers - including child sex abusers - control and silence their victims.

Marital disharmony:
the target becomes obsessed with understanding and resolving what is happening and the experience takes over their life; partners become confused, irritated, bewildered, frightened and angry; separation and divorce are common outcomes.

Breakdown
The word "breakdown" is often used to describe the mental collapse of someone who has been under intolerable strain. There is usually an (inappropriate) inference of "mental illness". All these are lay terms and mean different things to different people. I define two types of breakdown:

Nervous breakdown or mental breakdown is a consequence of mental illness

Stress breakdown is a psychiatric injury, which is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation

The two types of breakdown are distinct and should not be confused. A stress breakdown is a natural and normal conclusion to a period of prolonged negative stress; the body is saying "I'm not designed to operate under these conditions of prolonged negative stress so I am going to do something dramatic to ensure that you reduce or eliminate the stress otherwise your body may suffer irreparable damage; you must take action now".

A stress breakdown is often predictable days - sometimes weeks - in advance as the person's fear, fragility, obsessiveness, hypervigilance and hypersensitivity combine to evolve into paranoia (as evidenced by increasingly bizarre talk).

If this happens, a stress breakdown is only days or even hours away and the person needs urgent medical help. The risk of suicide at this point is heightened.

Often the cause of negative stress can be traced to the behavior of one individual. The [cyberpath].

The person who suffers a stress breakdown is often treated as if they have had a mental breakdown; they are sent to a psychiatrist, prescribed drugs used to treat mental illness, and may be encouraged - sometimes coerced or sectioned - into becoming a patient in a psychiatric hospital.

The sudden transition to a ward containing schizophrenics, drug addicts and other people with genuine long-term mental health problems adds to rather than alleviates the trauma.

Words like "psychiatrist", "psychiatric unit" etc are often translated by work colleagues, friends, and sometimes family into "nutcase", "shrink", "funny farm", "loony" and other inappropriate epithets.

The [cyberpath] encourages this, often ensuring that the victim's record contains a reference to the person's "mental health problems".

Sometimes, the [cyberpath] produces their own amateur diagnosis of mental illness - but this is more likely to be a projection of the bully's own state of mind and should be regarded as such.

The [target] often thinks they are going mad, and may be encouraged in this belief by those who do not have that person's best interests at heart. They are not going mad;

PTSD is an injury, not an illness.

Sometimes, the term "psychosis" is applied to mental illness, and the term "neurosis" to psychiatric injury. The main difference is that a psychotic person is unaware they have a mental problem, whereas the neurotic person is aware - often acutely.

The [cyberpath]'s lack of insight into their psychopathic behavior and its effect on others has the hallmarks of a psychosis, although this obliviousness would appear to be a choice rather than a condition.

Hypersensitivity and hypervigilance are likely to cause the person suffering PTSD to react unfavorably to the use of these words, possibly perceiving that they, the target, are being blamed for their circumstances.

A frequent diagnosis of stress breakdown is "brief reactive psychosis", especially if paranoia and suicidal thoughts predominate. However, a key difference between mental breakdown and stress breakdown is that a person undergoing a stress breakdown will be intermittently lucid, often alternating seamlessly between paranoia and seeking information about their paranoia and other symptoms.

The person is also likely to be talking about resolving their situation (which is the cause of their problems).

Transformation
A stress breakdown is a transformational experience which, with the right support, can ultimately enrich the experiencer's life. However, completing the transformation can be a long and sometimes painful process.

The Western response - to hospitalise and medicalize the experience, thus hindering the process - may be well-intentioned, but may lessen the value and effectiveness of the transformation.

How would you feel if, rather than a breakdown, you viewed it as a breakthrough?How would you feel if it was suggested to you that the reason for a stress breakdown is to awaken you to your mission in life and to enable you to discover the reason why you have incarnated on this planet?

How would it change your view of things if it was also suggested to you that a stress breakdown reconfigures your brain to enable you to embark on the path that will culminate in the achievement of your mission?

SOURCE

Surviving the Cyberpath

It Takes A Strong Individual To Survive An Exploiter
(in this case a Cyberpath would be an 'EXPLOITER')


You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible.

It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.

Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem.

For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakeness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”

But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/ abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).

This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances s(he’d) counsel anyone else to reject and escape.

But I restate: you can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.

When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.

It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is longlasting.


Steve Becker, MSW, LCSW, CH.T

ONLINE STALKING & VULNERABILITY

by Greg Voakes

The Internet is typically our go-to destination for gathering information about long lost friends, family, even ourselves. We know our friends and foes do it too, but we tend to think "stalking" in non-threatening ways. Maybe we’ll reconnect with an old friend or co-worker. Perhaps someone we didn’t like in grade school will be jealous of our accomplishments. The truth is that we never think about the dark side of sharing online – identity theft.

Just consider the vast amounts of personal data that gets posted online every day:

• Status updates on Facebook and other social sites
• Tweets about our favorite activities, vacation plans, professional conferences, and other plans
• YouTube videos taken inside and outside our home, about our kids, friends, pets and property
• Our comments on blogs and newspaper websites, where we log in using our Facebook accounts
• LinkedIn profiles about previous jobs and schools
• Every Google+ comment ever made, and link ever posted
• Online petitions you’ve signed
• Wedding gift registries
• White page listings for every address you’ve ever lived at

When you add it all up, this is a pretty comprehensive list of sources where a hacker could find almost any piece of personal information. If you are Facebook friends with your mother, even her maiden name is easy to figure out. Take a moment to search for yourself, and you’ll see that all of this information is online, accessible in seconds.

Why does any of this matter? It matters because we have consistent online habits that hackers love to exploit. We use the same passwords for many websites because we are too lazy to remember unique ones every time. All it takes is one website with weak security and our passwords can become public. Once a hacker has your email address and password, they can gain access to your social media accounts, steal from your bank accounts, scam your friends and relatives, and do some real damage to your life. Identity theft isn’t something you want to experience.

More than 400,000 Yahoo passwords were leaked online a few weeks ago. If it happened to you, even if you’ve changed your Yahoo password, the bad guys – hackers, thieves, criminals and stalkers – can use that same password to break into other accounts. Last month it was 4 million LinkedIn passwords. Last year it was Sony and eHarmony. Data is never 100% safe, no matter how secure websites claim to be.

We need to be more careful about both our personal security and the information we share. Once we post it, it stays online forever. We can’t use passwords and security codes that include addresses, our kids’ or pets’ names, important dates, favorite movies, hobbies, or other things can be easily figured out based on personal information. We also have to make sure that our offline lives, including our homes, cars, and offices, are protected by a reliable security company. All it takes is one careless website to cause a major security breach in our lives, one which can be exploited by criminals online and in the real world. Even though we know our acquaintances will harmlessly stalk us online, we need to make sure hackers and thieves can’t get access to the important data that could be used against us.

original article found here

THE CYBERPATH

Exploitation is easier to accomplish on-line. The level of exploitation is all over the place. Clearly the most dangerous are the Cyberpaths. These sociopaths, psychopaths -- unwholesome, psychologically scattered individuals -- can exploit you in truly damaging ways.

Despite common belief, a cyberpath is not always very easily identified, especially since you cannot see the person "in person." The more clever, the more intelligent the cyberpath is, the more you will not become aware of what you are dealing with, until it is too late.

What he (the psychopath) gets he spoils and wastes...

A psychopath, in this instance, the cyberpath (a sociopath with internet access), is merely looking for a way to fill in his time with empty exploits. They are highly narcissistic, and the internet provides fodder for them. I have known various cyberpaths, and they move from victim to victim, seeking people to feed their endless need for narcissism. When you've found them out, or they tire of you, they move on to the next victim, or target for narcissistic supply.

Dominance and power are recurring themes in the social relations of psychopaths.


Dominance, power, and having followers are very important to the cyberpath's need for total adulation and control. Cyberpaths absolutely bask in adulation, many using pity, in a most conniving way, to get the attention that they need. Sometimes the way a cyberpath asserts his control is done subtly. Typical of their underlying Destructive Narcissistic Pattern.

This psychopath often plays jokes and tricks on others to humiliate them or to assert dominance.

Sadly, many are mistaken about the typical cyberpath. A cyberpath is not always looking for money or sex, quite often, he or she is merely interested in taking you along for a ride. I also do not believe that psychopaths/cyberpaths always know that they are hurting you. A psychopath behaves the same way with everyone. Most of them take pleasure merely in playing the rouse, and not much else. A psychopath has no interest in your inner emotional state because they themselves have no empathy. They merely enjoy "pulling one over" on people.

And to put rest to another common myth, very few psychopaths are stalkers, because they have no true emotional connections to anybody. They simply move on to another person who piques their interests. A psychopath cannot truly love and therefore cannot become obsessed with another individual. They are too egocentric, narcissistic, and lack emotional connection to any other human being.



The central theme of the Don Juan's (the psychopaths's) seductions is not even the sexual enjoyment, but playing the trick... While he gives no real love, though he is quite capable of inspiring love of sometimes fanatical degree in others...

Again, this quote from Gordon Bank's work, "Don Juan as Psychopath," reveals that the cyberpath is mostly interested in playing tricks with his prey, almost in a playful way. To the cyberpath, such things are not really big deal, while for the victim, however, it becomes a rather big issue indeed.

Many of the victims of cyberpaths enter therapy as a result of this. Many victims believe themselves to be flawed after an experience with a cyberpath. Some of them are harassed by the family and friends of the cyberpath, which makes matters worse.

He is motivated primarily by the need to dominate and humiliate either the person he is 'taking' or, very often someone connected to a person with whom he is involved.


Cyberpaths relish in another's humiliation, which may appear to us as a certain, perverse quality. They take pleasure in what we find obscene, because they are not like other people, they have no true connection to anybody, and are incapable of feeling real love. Messing with another person's emotions and life is merely a way to pass the time, pulling one over on you is fun and enjoyable.

Most of the crimes psychopaths commit, tend to be "crimes of the heart" and/or "casual cruelty", they are cruel, manipulative people who leave a trail of broken hearts and often broken lives behind them.

Again, most cyberpaths are common internet liars and predators. Do not be fooled by someone who tells you that there is such a thing as a "harmless liar." A liar is never harmless. A person who lies should never be trusted, and once you find out they've lied to you even once, it's time to break it off.

Once having drained what they can from one source, they turn to others to exploit, bleed, and then cast aside; their pleasure in the misfortune of others is unquenchable. People are used as a means to an end; they are to be subordinated and demeaned ...the pleasure they gain from their ruse often flags once the rewards of deceit have been achieved.

Before long, their true unreliability may be revealed as they "stop working at" their deception or as their need grows to let others know how clever and cunning they have been

A cyberpath may keep you hooked for as long as they need your narcissistic supply. Once you start getting "wise" to them, however, or once he or she begins to tire of you and find that your narcissistic supply is becoming inadequate, you will soon find out, through some subtle manuevers, that your absolutely "perfect" future mate is nothing but a charade.

Some of these con men also relish in playing more expansive games. Once you have fallen in love with him and accepted a marriage proposal, it is not uncommon for this type to sudddenly send an email explaining that he is dying of an incurable disease or that he is an FBI agent and has to move to another country, therefore ending all contact with you.

I have heard of this happening to many women. Those who have met a cyberpath in real life seldom come out unscathed, either physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. Don't forget to add financially as well.

original article here