READING RED FLAG BEHAVIORS IN INTERNET DATING

by Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN

So you’re single again and the concept of Internet dating seems new and exciting! Upon your first glimpse, you feel like a kid in a candy store! New partners by the hundreds! People just like you – divorced, or otherwise broken relationships, hurt feelings, wounded souls – just looking to be loved by someone like YOU! Right??

Well, beware. Just as you need to be careful when you meet people in the bar scene, the Internet is chock full of predators as well. However, there are lots of "Red Flags" to look for to protect yourself, IF you know how to read the signs.

I’m tempted to write a book just on Internet dating "smarts." You know – things like what to say and not to say to appear to be kind, generous, and all those things that make the writer appear to be a perfect catch. And yet, how would the unsuspecting know then? The red flags would all be hidden and booby traps would be walked into by unsuspecting victims by the score!

Naw – I think it’s best to warn you – the recipient, what to look for and let the narcissistic Don Juan’s (or their female counterparts) show their true colors for what they are!

Here are a few actual statements from profiles of men currently on the Internet dating scene …

"I’m one of those individuals that is looking for a attractive, well kept, female…"

On his description of himself, he claims to be "very attractive."(Big red flag!) Hmmmm… has he looked in the mirror lately? Balding, slightly overweight, posed in three pictures on his Harley need I say more?

"Seeking smart, funny, sexy, balanced, introspective, well read, credible, flexible, independent, complete woman with a fine ass. If her ass is other than fine, I’ll guess we’ll have to focus on her brains and personality. If you’re not smiling right now, then my sense of humor either didn’t translate or you’ll not think me charming."

Was that supposed to be cute and endear him to me? I’ll pass…

Then of course, there are the guys who list their income, ($100,000 -$200,000!) and absolutely nothing else about themselves! Guess they figure that with their money they can get anyone they want. If you fall for that, it’s important to realize up front that money is the only thing important to them. There will not be depth of character, an interesting, empathetic personality, an interest in YOU.

"I dress my women in the finest clothes." (MY WOMEN?!)

This actual statement came from the same $200,000 income gentleman who sent me this quick email that said, "Meet me at Jake’s Bar tomorrow night at 7. You won’t be disappointed!" That’s it. No info on him except about his money and how he "dressed HIS women in the finest clothes."

Hmmmmm… when I opened up his photos, there he was with a woman who looked just like me! Talk about CREEPY!

I wrote him back and said "No thank you," that I didn’t think our profiles showed much in common. He wrote back livid … "What? You’re refusing to meet with me?" In essence … his ego screamed back over email, (never a pretty site) and I blocked any further communication with this demigod with all his money and fine clothes!

Another man (age 64), "winked" at me (I’m 48) to show me that he was interested. I guess he thought he was saving himself time and trouble with a bio that said something like this:

"I have retired here in Texas where it is warm and I can spend lots of time on my boat. Seeking a wonderful, attractive, intelligent woman companion to do the same with me. No fatties please."

NO FATTIES, PLEASE?!

Does he think that only overweight women will then leave him alone? Is he so blind not to understand that ANY woman with a brain will see that and say "What a jerk!"

Then of course, there are those mid life crisis statements that send me running the other way… Things like "Seeking someone age 25 – 35" when they themselves are 45 or beyond. (What, do they want to date their daughter? Will she even know what he’s talking about when he mentions the Kennedy asassination?) Or even weirder, the guy is age 45 but he’s looking for someone up to age 44. Now what’s up with that?

Of course, the other side of that is someone who is middle aged but has to be sure to tell readers in the first paragraph that "I look and act much younger than my age." PLEEAAASSEEEE!!!

Of course, if you do meet with one that seems like Mr. (or Ms.) Right, don’t be surprised if the person who arrives for your date looks 10 or 15 years older than the person in the photos … posting pics from the "younger years" seems to be a common behavior as well!

If someone seems too good to be true … they probably are!

SOURCE

IN ONLINE RELATIONSHIPS: Warning Signs to Look Out For

EOPC's comments in dark blue.
by Jennifer M. Good

If you are in, or are interested in being in, an online relationship, it is important to know what things to look out for so you don't get hurt -- physically or emotionally. The advice you'll find below is meant for you to use as a way to help protect yourself from getting hurt. The tips are mostly common sense, but sometimes when it comes to love, it's good to have it written down for reference.

Person is too secretive.This can be as simple as the person is insecure with letting out information about themselves, to the person being married or living with someone else.

Person is often flirting with other people online.
Just as in real life you can find "players" online. Watch how your online interest interacts with others. You'll learn more about them, as well as be able to spot any unusual interests.

Person wants too much information about you right away.
Unless you are 100% completely comfortable about this person, don't give away any personal information. Even then, it is a good idea to keep important information to yourself. (if they do this - they are PROFILING you, MIRRORING you and BRAINWASHING you!)

Person seems only interested in cyber or phone sex.Unless this is something you are interested in, this relationship is probably not going very far. (If they don't want to meet for lunch or dinner or spend any time with you - if they live close - ditch them. They are using you like an "online hooker".)

After trust has been established, person will only give you a pager or cell phone number, but not a home number.
This again could just be precautionary, but again, it could indicate a cheating heart. (married or involved?)
After enough time has developed, person is adamant about not meeting in person. The reason for this could range from the person hiding something about their physical self, their lifestyle, other romantic involvement's, or just protecting themselves. (excuses can range from "I don't think I can control myself with you" to "I don't go out/ have time" to "I don't think its a good idea")
Person wants you to move to local area or in with them after only one or two meetings, or less than one year.
While my husband and I broke this rule, I strongly urge other couples to really get to know each other in person. It worked out well for me, but if follow this advice you will find yourself more confident about your choices if you really take the time to know them in person before deciding to make the big traveling step.

You find the person posting other personal ads online.
An obvious heartbreak! (especially if they are posting at BangMatch.com or Eroticy.com, etc.... sex partner sites, while trying to lure YOU into and keep you in an EMOTIONAL relationship online so they can use & manipulate you further)

Person keeps e-mails from other people hidden or a secret.
Something to keep an eye out for. Any relationship that begins or is involved in secrecy has it's days numbered. (OR...... they tell you not to talk to so & so online and you later find they told the other person not to talk to YOU either!! and give each of you bogus reasons to no longer talk. If THAT happens MAKE IT YOUR BUSINESS TO CONTACT THE OTHER PERSON IMMEDIATELY!)
Person asks for money or other help or even suggests they are broke.
You may feel comfortable with this, but it's not a good idea, especially if your just met them. Don't open yourself to a potentially huge loss.
Person won't let you mail cards or other gifts to home address.
This is also another sign of a possible romantic interest living with them. Take the extra precautions to make sure your online interest is not already involved with someone. (they won't even GIVE you a home address! Run!)

Every tip is dependent upon your instincts. What is good for one person may not be good for the next. Use your head, and your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, question it and resolve it quickly. You may discover it was a case of doubt, but you may also discover it wasn't!

ORIGINAL ARTICLE FOUND HERE

Match.com Can't Screen for Sex Offenders

By Benjamin Radford

One of the world's top dating websites, Match.com, announced that it would begin checking its members against a national sex offender registry. The announcement was made about a week after a class-action lawsuit was filed against the company by two women who claim men they met through the service sexually harassed them.

Whether an attempt to ward off future lawsuits or merely a publicity stunt, the measure is nearly worthless and in fact may do more harm than good by fostering a false sense of security. There are several obvious flaws with the plan.

The first is that users on social networking and matchmaking websites typically do not have their identities verified. Thus anyone (including convicted sex offenders ) can post whatever name they wish to use on the site and easily avoid triggering a match on registries.

Even if Match.com members' names were somehow verified, names are very common. A match with a name on a sex offender registry would also require a matching address to be sure it's the same person. Anyone can rent a post office box (or use a friend's mailing address) to easily avoid triggering an alert.

Second, even if the information provided to Match.com was completely accurate, it may not match what's on the nation's sex offender registries, which are notoriously unreliable. A 2010 study of Vermont's sex offender registry found that half of the entries sampled contained significant mistakes and wrong information, including two people who should not have been listed. Audits in other states, including Georgia and Texas, found that the registry information for offenders was often wrong, incomplete and outdated.

Third, statistics show that relatively few assaults are committed by convicted sex offenders. That is, a given person (adult or child) is far more likely to be sexually assaulted by someone who is not listed on any sex offender registry than a convicted sex offender. The vast majority of physical and sexual assaults are committed by friends, family and other loved ones, not a recently met stranger hiding a sex offense conviction. This is one of the fundamental flaws of Megan's Laws and other offender notification measures: They distract attention and resources away from the greater threat.

Even Match.com's president, Mandy Ginsberg, acknowledged that the new measures "remain highly flawed." The rules of safe dating have not changed in decades: Meet in a public place, tell a friend where you're going and don't give out personal information too early.

Benjamin Radford is deputy editor of Skeptical Inquirer science magazine and author of six books.

original article here

Another reason to NEVER USE ONLINE DATING!

The Red Flags Of An Online Relationship

Know what to look for...
by Jennifer Good

In a medium where faith in a potential partner is being put at an all-time high, it is important to know if you're stepping blindly. If you're considering an online relationship, or are currently in one, there are a few things you should be prepared to look out for. While each situation is unique, and it is important to go by your instinct, the following list should help you spot any red flags you might encounter.

RED FLAG #1: Won't show you current or full body photos.
While looks may not be important to you, your partner's ability to tell the truth should be. If you doubt the sincerity of any photo your interest has sent you, send a disposable camera with a self-addressed, postage ready envelope with instructions to take pictures and send the camera back to you. This way you can develop the film yourself.

Also see if it's a RECENT photo and if they have cropped someone out (spouse, child, romantic partner)

RED FLAG #2: They do not have any solid contact numbers.
You've progressed to telephone contact, but the problem is you can't ever contact them! If any of the following situations sound familiar, be prepared to further investigate the possibility of a spouse, live-in, or other situation you may not be aware of.

You have to page them for them to call you back. Or they will only give you a cell phone or work number.

They use a separate line. If so, try calling their main line at random times.

You can only call during certain periods of time. Again, if this applies to you, try calling at different time periods to see who answers the phone.

They will only call, therefore not allowing you to call them.

RED FLAG #3: Reality VS. Fantasy

There are many different viewpoints towards a relationship founded through the Internet. To save future hurt and embarrassment, make sure you know your potential partner's philosophies. Do they view an Internet relationship as a real relationship, or is it a way to live out a fantasy life? If it's the later, be careful to avoid being their latest cyber fling.

RED FLAG #4: Asks for money.

Avoid getting into financial trouble by following a simple rule; don't send money. EVER.

RED FLAG #5: You're the only one making an effort or altering your lifestyle to have this relationship.

This is a telltale sign of things to come if you develop an off-line romance. No relationship should be solely one person giving and the other taking. If you find this happening to you, talk about it to your partner and ask them to meet you half way in your efforts.

RED FLAG #6: Your potential partner is overly insecure about your off-line or online activities.

Just as in any relationship, a person who is overly insecure about something can end up being an emotionally draining experience.

Or they are ALWAYS asking that make sure the chats and photos are deleted. Don't delete anything!

Take a step back, and really look at whether this is something you're willing to put up with if the relationship happened to last two to three years. If not, move on and find someone more independent.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

Is Your Online Sweetheart Telling the Truth?

With so many people asking the same question - perhaps now is the time to closely examine how to tell if the person you are dealing with on the "net" is, in fact, the person they are purporting to be. But how? How do we determine this? If we come out and blatantly interrogate them, they will no doubt be offended. On the other hand, this micro-scrutiny may well be what we have to resort to - and in turn, we must be prepared to subject ourselves to the same. Still, a cunning and masterful liar will jump through any hoops to satisfy their goal - so, after some thought, I have put together, based on my own experiences and insights, a list of possible ways to determine if you are dealing with an Honest person.

Listen To Them!
I cannot stress enough the importance of really "listening" to the person you are dealing with. Of course, the notion of "listening" to someone's words on the screen is ridiculous - but if you consider that in the sense they are "speaking" to you - this makes perfect sense. Do they sound too good to be true? We'd all really like to believe the person we are coming to enjoy knowing and speaking with is exactly as they say they are. We want nothing more than to take them at face value. But reading these stories we find often that the real-deal is the exception rather than the rule. Read what they are writing - pin them down on "iffy" details - if they refuse to be pinned, or remain evasive, consider that a RED FLAG and proceed with caution!

Does it Make Sense?
What if you are left with questions that, in your mind, really don't make sense - but the person you are speaking with has a quick explanation. Ask yourself, more than once - is it really believable? For example - "I'd love to meet you soon.. but I have some details or personal matters to take care of first" should provide a RED FLAG. While none of us wants to pry or probe for information, we have to ask ourselves "what kind of personal details or matters are so important that preclude this person from being able to meet me?" Do you have to ask online permission first to call someone? If so, that is a good indication that the person you are dealing with isn't really "free" to meet you at all. Who else lives there? Is it possible the person you are dealing with is still married? While it is true that many people looking for love on-line may still be married, and dealing with the aftermath of terminating their marriages - it's important to establish this well in advance of involving yourself with someone else. Most people understand that often, marriages can take time to end - that doesn't make the person any less available, as long as you can clarify details, and this can be accomplished by calling them at their home (once you have established a comfortable rapport with each other and have exchanged phone numbers). Call when they aren't expecting your call - do they have an answering machine? Who's voice is on it? Are they secretive, do they speak in hushed tones or are they angry or upset that you called without notice? These are pretty good indications that your unexpected call was not as welcome as you would have liked. If this is the type of response your surprise phone call receives, be prepared for some fancy footwork from the other person when they finally do hook up with you, while they explain the reasons for their reaction. Fancy footwork usually involves weaving a tale that on it's surface - sounds plausible, but little else. Do it again! If your first surprise phone call wasn't as welcome as you would have liked, do it again! If you get the same kind of reaction - you can draw your own conclusions. Make these calls at different times. This does not mean harass anyone! But a couple of calls spread out over the span of a week or two certainly do not equal harassment. After all.. this is someone who is supposedly very interested in you.

Current Photos!
With the issue of dishonesty or deception as to the other person's actual weight or age clearly being one of the main issues of Honesty - how do we accomplish the goal of finding out if they're telling the truth? I won't begin to discuss the issues surrounding why weight, etc., is so important.. suffice it to say - if you're telling the truth about yourself, then it doesn't matter. On the other hand, if you want to base a relationship on dishonesty, and the person you are speaking with has a clear idea as to your weight - and you're lying - why do you think you deserve to have any kind of relationship at all? Often, people will try to put off that inevitable first meeting for as long as possible when they are being dishonest about weight. The logical thinking behind this is that for as long as they can delay this, they will make every effort to lose this weight. Of course, this is ludicrous on it's surface as weight loss takes a long time, and people who haven't started a diet aren't likely going to be able to manage substantial weight loss to their own satisfaction in this time frame. But how do you know what they Really look like? Old pictures often tell a thinner or younger story - and we can be stunned or shocked to go to meet the person in the old picture, and find the real person - who we didn't even recognize! There are no shortage of excuses for "why" people don't have current pictures.. "I don't have a scanner", "I don't have a camera", "I haven't gotten the pictures scanned yet", "I don't have time" .. Let's be real here. Any photocopy service in this day and age does photo scanning. They charge an average of $10 (and that's judging from prices of about a year ago) and it takes less than an hour. With the emergence on the marketplace of low-cost personal scanners, we all probably know someone who has a scanner. No current picture? Nobody to take one for you? Heck, there's no shortage of places you can get a picture taken. I once resorted to asking the guy at the store where I buy my bottled water to take my picture, handing him my polaroid. If you aren't being dishonest about yourself, chances are, you have a current picture or have the means to get one. How do we know if it's a current picture? That indeed seems to be the big question here. The best idea I had (and this is lame, I know) is to hold up the day's newspaper (not in front of you, but just off to the side). Sure, the actual date will be impossible to read - but the day's headline sure won't be hard to miss!

The Scammers!
When you read these stories, you'll see that indeed, it is possible now to meet up with someone who isn't interested in you at all, but rather what you can do for them or what they can take from you (money, sex, property...). Too bad they're there - until we can find a means to stop them, the best we can do is protect ourselves. How do you know if someone is out to "con" you? Let's look at the theory behind "cons" or "confidence" people. That's how they work isn't it? The put you at ease immediately, they agree with everything you say, they pour out undying and heartfelt emotions almost immediately. How is it possible?? How can they "love" you almost immediately without ever having met you? I've heard the lamest arguments on this point "well what about in the olden days with pony express? People met, fell in love and married that way all the time!" Uh huh.. hellooo! This is not the 1800s.. we have the means, we have the technology - why would ANYONE make this kind of argument to validate their feelings for someone else? If you defend that train of thought - I'll expect to see your story here sooner or later.

The fact is - "LOVE" is not possible without physically meeting someone or spending a lot of time in getting to know them IN PERSON and not in bed! I will not argue that infatuation is possible, or that feelings of joy, contentment and overwhelming desire are possible. But the "connection" between two people who have not met is not.

Why the rush to love? These people aren't going anywhere.. I can certainly understand the feelings of loneliness and the wonder and joy of being "in love" and having someone who "loves" you in return. It's Wonderful!! But.. it takes a bit of time. Anyone Who tells you they love you within the first 6-8 weeks or so of knowing you online is a liar! There, I've said it - it's out. Would you believe anyone who, in real life, told you they loved you if they'd just met you the week before? No way! Same rules apply here. NOT POSSIBLE. When and if you hear those three little words that mean so much, step back. Step back hard and tell them you are doing just that. If it's "real" or "true" love, it will last forever and stand the test of time, and they will respect that you question your feelings and thiers. If it's still "love" after a few weeks or a month - meet and meet soon!! You will know when you meet in person if what you felt online is what you feel for them in person.

Why Meet Soon? - Let's face it - the internet provides us several unique opportunities to meet a great number of people from one "site". Personals sites list several thousand people each - chat rooms give them the chance to interact - e-mail affords them the privacy to correspond with several people at once. If you have the means to meet people who live far away - wonderful! When you meet that "special someone" and you feel very strongly for them, and you believe that they are honest and genuine - meet them soon! Find out before you make emotional investments if they are the same in person as they were online. Spare yourself the agony of allowing yourself to "feel" for them online, to live for their letters, only to find out that you were not the only one, or that your online feelings did not translate "in real life" when you met them face to face and found out that really, the spark was not there. Be true to yourself, if you do not have the means to sustain a long distance relationship - don't pursue one. Yes, I know, you will have to make yourself wait longer to meet someone from a closer area, but too many have already invested heavily in trips they could ill afford only to find disappointment and deception on the other end. (and meet in a PUBLIC PLACE, tell at least 2 people where you are going and who you are meeting- maybe take one with you!! And if they PUSH for SEX right away because they "have to have you" - even if you have had cybersex online - FORGET IT!!! This is an online SEXUAL predator who probably has a few "special men or ladies" on their hook!!)

Background Checks - There are services that I have recently found - that cater especially to those of looking for love on the internet. They are extremely affordable - and for a minimal price - you can find out some things about the person you are becoming interested in - even if these aren't things you really wanted to know. Check them out (see the link in the right margin) - this is a good resource.

(from site owner) GOOGLE or MAMMA or DOGPILE THEM! - Use a couple search engines and search on their nickname and their real name. Zabasearch.com will come up with an address and possible true date of birth if you have a name and city/state. Scroll through and read ALL the hits - even if there's 22 pages of them. You'd be surprised what you might find on page 21. Use the links in our right margin too!

Summing Up - In Summary - I have addressed my thoughts on how to tell if people are honest. They include:

1. Listen to them! Watch for stories or aspects about them that sound "iffy" or evasive. Press them for details and stand firm if they try to lead the conversation away from those details!

2. Get a Current Photo! It's tough to ask someone to take a picture holding a newspaper - but if they are who they say they are - you need only explain to them you've "been there, done that" with others who were deceptive or dishonest - and you just really need to know, that it's not personal. If they take it personally, there is yet another RED FLAG for you to pay attention to!

3. Take Your Time! If they seem to have fallen in love with you almost immediately (without meeting you in person or within the first 5-6 weeks of knowing you) - Step Back!. Why are they telling you so soon that they love you? Why the rush to love? Sure, we all love being in love - but why the rush? If it's meant to be it will last forever. TAKE YOUR TIME! They aren't going anywhere and if they are, you should be worried anyway!

4. Meet Them Soon! Do not allow yourself to make a sizeable emotional investment in anyone that isn't able to meet you! People who delay or put off that first meeting, it would seem, have something to hide. Insist on meeting them within a month of meeting them online. Allow yourself that month to get to know them and determine if after that month, you still feel for them. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet them in person to see if it's really "love". Be kind to yourself. If they're the right person - nothing you could ask them would put them off. If they've spent any time on the net - they've had similar experiences and Should Be Asking The Same of You!! And if they're not - perhaps you should wonder why... (and don't go to meet them ALONE or in a motel/hotel!! Meet in an OPEN PUBLIC PLACE the first few times)

5. Background Checks - This is accessible to you - if you have ANY RED FLAGS - use the service above or one like it. You can be sorry for something you didn't do for a very long time - using common sense is something you'll never regret.

Original article HERE

Red Flags!

1. Be wary of the guy who is busier than the President of the United States. Doesn't have the time to see you. Has too much work to do.
- Volunteers for additional assignments.
- Needs to wind down-with his buddies in a bar-rather than spend time with you.
- Doesn't know if he can "control" himself with you.
- Must spend more time with his children. Must do laundry. Must pay his bills.
- And the best one of all, must have "time for himself."

If he can't manage a few hours with you on a regular basis, his priorities are questionable. Chances are he is only paying lip service to how important you are in his life.

2. Be wary of the guy who can't be with you on important occasions: your birthday, Valentine's Day, when you need some emotional support, etc. (things even a GOOD FRIEND would do for you).
- If he can't rearrange his schedule to put you on top of his list, at least occasionally, you will always take a back seat to the rest of his life.

3. Keep a record, however brief, of his stories, missed appointments, too tired to chat, says GTG and yet you still see him online and all excuses. Save all chats even if he asks you to delete them!
- Pay attention to the details. A liar eventually trips up over his own lies.
- Has trouble remembering what he said the last time he spoke to you. Has trouble juggling his lies.
- If his responses sound vague or hesitant, something is wrong.
- If his stories, dates, or excuses change from day to day, something is wrong.
- If he tells you NOT to tell people about you & he, or to talk about your relationship with people you both know: WARNING. He needs to keep you and his other targets apart so you don't compare notes and catch him lying.

4. If his stories are too fantastic to be believable, they probably are not to be believed.
-Tales of exploits that are more appropriate for the pages of a Tom Clancy novel are especially suspect. (like William Michael Barber)
-Also, be wary of stories designed to elicit sympathy, i.e., dramatic or morbid deaths in his history, unusual or unexplained illnesses, or marital unhappiness etc.

5. Be wary of the guy who equates truthfulness with confrontation. Turns the tables on you. Makes you feel guilty about asking questions. Accuses you of doing things he is actually doing (PROJECTION).
- If he backs away from your inquiries, it's probably because he is less than truthful himself, and his life cannot bear close scrutiny.


6. Neither a lender nor a borrower be. Keep what is yours yours until the signing of the nuptials. (and even then!)
- Loaning money to a lover can upset the balance in a romantic relationship. No matter how noble or unselfish your intentions, he feels emasculated. Or he's using you as an ATM.
- Don't waste your efforts; if he is in the least insecure (a likely possibility), he will resent you for your actions.

7. Be wary of the guy who uses his children as an excuse not to see you (like Robert Darden). He may say it's too soon to meet his children; he doesn't want them to develop a fondness for you and then get hurt if things don't work out.
- That may be a legitimate concern in the beginning of a relationship - after all, no one wants a steady stream of lovers in their children's lives.
- Something is definitely wrong, however, if after several months, no attempt is made to involve you in their lives. More likely, the problem is not with the children but with the father.

8. Be concerned if you don't meet his friends.
- Either he doesn't have any, a sure sign of problems, or he doesn't want you to meet them perhaps because you may find out something you shouldn't.

9. Be suspicious if he won't introduce you to his family.
- The reason may be that he is not as serious about you as he claims to be or that he is afraid you will find out something you shouldn't. (like Yidwithlid)

10. Be suspicious of the guy who is unreachable. His cell phone is turned off for long periods of time. Or he doesn't return your calls until hours later. Or he is afraid to give you the number.
- If he claims he didn't get your calls or repeatedly blames the workmanship of his cell phone, recognize that for what it is: an excuse.
- He doesn't care about you enough to give you the number - something he'd give to a business acquaintance. Time for you to leave.

11. If he doesn't show up when he says he will, and worse yet, doesn't call with one heck of a good excuse, cross him off your Christmas card list.
- Standing up a woman is a sign of disrespect. If you excuse the behavior once, twice, thinking you are being understanding, you are just asking for more of the same.

12. Be VERY wary of the guy that runs hot and cold.
- First, he can't get enough of you; then all you get is days or weeks of total silence. Play the game by your rules, not his; your schedule, not his. Get on with your life; don't wait for his change in mood or affection. He may be 'grooming' you (seducing) to use & abuse later. (like Beckstead)
- His controlling behavior only serves to make you a victim of his mercurial and thoughtless whims.

13. Listen to your friends. Ask them what they think.
-They have your best interests at heart and are not likely to be blinded by your friend's charms. Hopefully, they will think enough of you to be truthful. If no one sees in him what you see, there is something wrong.
- Again, if he tells you NOT to tell your friends about you & he and/or doesn't want to meet them... drop him.

14. Check out your lover.
- Run his name, nicknames, and email addresses through a couple online search engines. Read EVERY PAGE.
- Hire a detective to establish the basics. Be observant.
- If you get a chance to visit his home, carefully examine your surroundings. Study photos on the wall. Certificates. Look at albums. Anything to establish he is who he says he is.
- If you know where he works, see if his company has a website. Make sure his description of what he does for a living tallies with what you learn. Cross check the work number that he gives you to the number that is listed in the phone book.
- Ask him to go to lunch. Meet him at his office. If there is any resistance to this suggestion, be wary. Why doesn't he want people to know he knows you??
- If a divorce is in his background (a likely possibility for those of us over 50) and he is from your area, spend time at the local courthouse. Some public records are available to the public. While you should not believe everything that is said by warring partners, you will get a sense of what you might have to face yourself. (If he's not from your area - again, try an internet search!)
- And while you are at it, check to see if there are any criminal or civil proceedings lodged against him.

15. Invest in a phone with caller ID. Screening your calls is not the only purpose for this useful function; you will also get a pretty good idea of where your guy is when he calls.

16. Learn to recognize inappropriate behavior for what it really is: behavior that you really don't want in your life on a permanent basis.
- Trust in your own common sense. You are a valuable person and deserve to be treated with respect and dignity; if you don't get that, move on. There are others who will appreciate your value.


"Never Too Late to Learn"
(56) Bethesda, Maryland

FROM DateSmart.com

(this article uses the male gender, yours may be female)

Dating Scam Uses Military Information to Con

Two weeks ago an ex-Navy wife was on an internet dating website when she met someone who introduced himself as Christopher Dockery.

"He was a widowed soldier stationed in Camp Promise Kabul -- later I found out there's no Camp Promise," said the woman who wants to remain anonymous.

They would e-mail each other for days. He sent romantic poems and even provided pictures, but when he asked her for money, she knew she had been sucked into a scam.

First, she noticed red flags, like the poor English he used. "Some of the words were not spelled correctly; the use of grammar was not totally there," she added.

She said the second red flag were his so-called needs. "He kept mentioning that they didn't have access to funds at the base," she said.

Finally, she grew even more suspicious when he asked her to send money so he could purchase a satellite phone to stay in touch.

"It was $355. I was to send an order to set up this service," she said.

But she did an internet search and discovered the whole relationship is part of a worldwide scam. She refused to send the money and the relationship dissipated.

"His communication has slowly dwindled," she added.

Military personnel would not have these kinds of communication needs, said John Shockley, executive director of the USO.

"We send prepaid phone cards and there's also USO centers and other military centers for people to use either email, Skype, as well as phone banks to call home," said Shockley.

It is tragic that scammers would stoop this low, he said. "I find it very disturbing and appalling that someone would use a member's name as a front to get some money on a scam."

For this woman, it is a lesson learned. "It is heartbreaking that people are that mean without regard," she said.

No one wants to think they could be duped by an internet dating scam, and yet it happens every single year. So how can you tell if it is a scam?

•Communication is vague, difficult to understand or is repeated.
•Email messages change in tone, language, style or grammar.
•There's a sob story that turns into an emergency and only you can help.

If somebody asks you to wire them cash online, say no.

original article here

Final Thoughts on Wanna-Be-Guru & Con Man: Steve Miller

MILLER'S DETAILS


Allegedly his real name is Steve Miller and lives in Kent UK.

You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/user/SlayerSteve777

steve2278@XXXX.com

http://bill.the.brit.powerfulintentions.com/

http://redavv.powerfulintentions.com/

ALTERNATE IDs?
Panagiotis Angeletakis (this ID strongly suspected to be him too)
Lynella S
Inga Hicks
Janeva Hi

His "followers" could be him, too hard to say. I thought that Lynn may have been the woman he lived with but there is no proof. When talking to her she sounds like a total fruit loop, but then again there have been times when it seemed it was him talking. This makes me think that this ID could be shared.
lynnschumann@XXXX.co.uk
janeva_t@XXXX.com
inghicwilliams@XXXX.com

Steve says he has a brother David Miller who lives in London and both of them create online games. Steve is the coder and David does the graphics designer. They have created a game named ROBOTOPIA on sale at http://www.gameshare.com/.

I ordered one of his games to see for myself how genuine they were because he'd talked me into helping finance and promote it but never received the game in the mail. The game is also available as a trial and full version, which I downloaded successfully after numerous hassles.

Chris Carson - who owns the site, is not trustworthy at all because he gave Steve my home address without my consent! This makes me believe that they are both linked or connected somehow. Maybe even maybe the same person.

Steve has gone on web cam with me 2 times but not given any important details out about himself. I know the game is very important to him. It is not that expensive to buy but I wondered how many others who paid and did not receive their version of that game. They claimed they had sent it to my address but it never showed up. I have been waiting since early October 2007! (massive red flag)

I wanted to see him excel with this game and he complained that his PC needed to be upgraded but had no money to do it with because he was on disability welfare. I offered to help him by giving him a sum of $445.00 in two separate payments for a new hard drive and monitor in December 2007. I paid this into his brother's PAYPAL account which they shared: davidmillion@XXXX.co.uk

His gratitude? To send abusive email accompanied by the most revolting language because I "did not give him as much as I promised" him. He claimed I had changed and treated him different somehow since I gave him the money. But later explained he was angry because I did not give him the initial sum that I had agreed upon in the first, which was $1000.00 -- because he wanted a complete new PC. (all about what THEY want... isn't it readers?)


This was a HUGE mistake on his part because this is where reality hit home finally with me. I knew he wanted more money but he knew better than to ask for it outright. I certainly was not about offer again Little does he know, had he kept his big mouth shut long enough he probably would have received it if not more.

So his timing of being a "proficient mind bender" was very revealing. I certainly was not about to give him the rest after he verbally abused me. I was also not about to be that forgiving towards him. Very scary -- he could have taken me for a lot more! (sounds like Dan Jacoby! Also has his own games site and pleaded poverty to get money from at least one of his victims)

I have since cancelled all my internet banking activities including Paypal but that was a hassle well worthwhile. (God because this guy is nothing but a predator & Con Man!)

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!

Listen To Your Gut
(It's Trying To Tell You Something Important)

(our comments are in purple - Fighter)

A good friend of mine, who will soon be divorced, is dating again and it seems to be getting serious. Unfortunately, I think the guy is a creep, and I'm going to explain why.

After a very short time seeing her, he asked if she is going to go back to her maiden name. When she asked him why he wanted to know, he replied, "It's your ex husband's name, why would you want it?"

She responded, "It also happens to have been MY name for the last 22 years. If I get remarried again later I'll likely change it, so why go through all the red tape now?"

To me this question/suggestion of his was a big RED FLAG. Why? Because shortly after MY divorce and release from an abusive relationship, I started dating a guy who asked EXACTLY the same question after only one month of dating. He turned out to be a MAJOR control freak but I had the good sense to bail after two months. I have learned a great deal since then about seeing the signs and avoiding assholes. I wish I could say the same for my friend.

Unfortunately, my concern for her doesn't stem from just this one question. There are SOOOO many other things he says that are just "OFF". She is getting gut twinges about him too, but she is ignoring her intuition, rationalizing his behavior, and continuing to see him.

Here are some classic manipulator moves and red flags that he is using:

* He asks what her fears are. I know that this isn't because he is so deeply sensitive and caring - it is so he can find her weak points. He WILL use this information against her at some point. You can count on it. (profiling her!)

* He talks about his kids ALL the time as if he is trying to convince her what an involved and caring parent he is. It's too much and too over-the-top.

* He calls his ex a "bitch", goes on and on about her, including ranting about how she was depressed, crazy, etc. Of course ALL the issues with his marriage breakdown were HER fault.

* When my friend says the slightest thing about HER previous relationship, or her life before he came into it, he disregards her feelings and cuts her off with statements like, "Well, that's over with now.", and changes the subject. It has to be all about HIM.

But the manipulation trump card he plays is "God". You see, we both have deep religious beliefs, and this guy professes that he does as well. There are plenty of wackos in all faith's, and this one uses God as a manipulative tool. He is the type of guy that HIDES behind the Bible, but is ripping at the seams with his controlling personality. I told her

"Just because he claims to be a Christian does NOT mean he was meant for you, or that he is necessarily a NICE person. If his EX wife shamelessly tells you that she referred to him as 'The Dictator', then that is a HUGE sign to bail!" But she wants to believe he will somehow be different with HER. I asked her "How RED does the flag have to be for you to see it?"

Unfortunately for women who come out of abusive relationships, unless we get help, we just get into the SAME thing and the same "type". We need to care about who WE are, or we end up in the never ending emotional bullcrap that we CAN avoid, if only we would make better choices.

It's not like she doesn't have any idea. Her GUT is telling her something and she is ignoring it. And that's the key. Listen to your GUT. BELIEVE IT. And get the hell out when it tells you the situation is screwed up.