Married Con Man Uses PlentyofFish for Affair

By Patricia Kane

(U.K.) As Victoria Fraenzel logged on to the internet dating site for the first time, she was uncertain what response she would receive to her request for a man who would offer her ‘truth and honesty’. Yet within hours of keying her details into the popular website Plenty Of Fish, the 35-year-old was not disappointed with the response.

Darren Upton, a wealthy accountant in his late 30s, quickly got in touch and within days had charmed his way into her life and, soon after, her bed. They had an 18-month affair as he lavished expensive gifts on her, including a £3,000 Cartier watch, designer dresses by film-star favourite Amanda Wakeley and a Mercedes sports car.

Last week, however, Upton was finally exposed as a conman and jailed for six years for stealing hundreds of thousands of pounds from his clients so he could live a life of luxury.

Today Victoria tells how she foolishly fell for Upton’s lies, of the lifestyle they both enjoyed during their fling and her feelings of betrayal at discovering he was not single, as he had claimed, but married. His wife even had a daughter by him during their affair.

Victoria also reveals her shock at the extent of his fraud and of her anger at being labelled ‘greedy’ as the main beneficiary of his embezzled funds. She said: ‘I’ve been made out to be a terrible hussy who had thousands of pounds lavished on her by a married man. But I am not that sort of person. I’m not grasping or greedy. I didn’t ask him for anything. I just wanted to be with him. It was never about the money or the sex.’

Close to tears, she added: ‘After a series of bad relationships, I just wanted someone who wanted to give me a hug and love me. Darren appeared to be that man. I had finally found someone who seemed to genuinely care about me and made me feel special. He was kind and caring. That’s all I wanted – but it was all a lie.’

In total, the accountant cheated 33 clients by not passing to the taxman £500,000 they had paid him. On Thursday, at Leeds Crown Court, he admitted 15 fraud offences between January 2010 and June last year. He also asked for 23 similar offences to be taken into consideration.

Passing sentence, Judge Sally Cahill QC said the crimes were committed for ‘pure selfish greed’. She told him: ‘You were thoroughly dishonest and motivated by greed. This was a gross breach of trust, it was planned from the offset and fraudulent from the offset. I consider this to be professional offending at a high level.’

For Victoria, now 36, the last eight months since discovering the truth have been filled with remorse and self-reproach at being duped so easily. She thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with Upton, with plans to ‘retire’ to the Bahamas in October, where he claimed to have a beachside property.

‘He told me we would get married and we would be happy there together,’ said Victoria. ‘I had no idea he already had a wife and a daughter who had been born during our relationship. I was shocked beyond words when I finally discovered the truth. I’m still struggling to take in the extent of his lies. Nothing in his behaviour ever made me suspicious. I feel very stupid now but I believed everything he said.’

This was not Victoria’s first ‘bad experience’ with men. One of her former partners was Bryan Garvey – who had shared an £18.5 million National Lottery jackpot with four other winners before she met him. ‘My relationship with Bryan ended acrimoniously and it took nearly four years before I thought of looking for someone else,’ she said.

‘Once bitten, twice shy, so it was a really big decision for me to start dating again, and I thought an internet site might help me find someone more compatible. It was my first time on the site and on my posting, I remember saying I was looking for “truth, honesty… a real person”.

‘I cringe now looking back because hindsight is a wonderful thing. Darren got in touch within hours and after a couple of days of online chat, we agreed to meet in a pub in Preston. I remember him sending me a photograph at one point and I saw a wedding ring on his finger. When I said, “That looks like you’re married,” he replied that he’d been engaged but it was now over.’

Meeting him for the first time, however, was a shock for 6ft Victoria – who was a model in her teenage years. She explained: ‘I’m not unattractive and I’m used to dating good-looking men, so it was a bit of a shock to meet Darren in the flesh. My first impression was that he was ugly but his banter and charm made me see him in a different light and in the end I agreed to meet him again.’

They met a few days later, again in Preston, and this time, keen to impress, he picked her up in his Bentley with personalised number plates DJU. The court would hear that Upton had also already bought his wife, Tina, a Maserati. He had also splashed out on a £10,000 box at Leeds United Football Club and even spent £3,000 on a model railway.

Within a few dates, Upton would whisk Victoria off to his £500,000 penthouse flat in an upmarket area of Leeds, overlooking the River Aire and the city skyline. Exquisitely decorated with white leather sofas and state-of-the-art home-entertainment equipment, including a large plasma TV, Upton told her he lived there alone.

As the relationship became more intimate, Upton’s gifts became more lavish. He bought her a Cartier watch, as well as diamond earrings, and several thousands of pounds worth of designer clothes and accessories from Harvey Nichols, including a number of Mulberry handbags. In one shopping spree alone, he blew more than £2,000 on two dresses by Amanda Wakeley – a favourite of Charlize Theron, Scarlett Johansson and Kate Winslet.

From October 2010, he also began paying £800-a-month rent on another apartment in Salford, Greater Manchester, where Victoria would sometimes stay with him when she was not at her own home in nearby Altrincham. He gave her a bank card with a £500 limit to buy anything for the flat.

The couple ate at the best restaurants in Manchester, such as San Carlo and Rosso, favourites of Premier League footballers. They had been dating for about six months when a smitten Upton bought Victoria a black Mercedes sports car.

She said: ‘He had been talking about it for some time. I was gobsmacked at his generosity but if he said he would get me something, he always did. He had the car delivered to my home. I just jumped into the car in excitement and went for a drive. Now I know he was a conman but at that time I loved him more than ever.’ For Victoria it was not an entirely new lifestyle, having grown up with indulgent, wealthy parents on a sprawling farm near Blackburn.

At an early age, she had learned to ride horses and was a competitive showjumper before turning her back on the sport in her teens. When her father committed suicide eight years ago, he left Victoria independently wealthy and with no need to rely on Upton’s generosity. She said: ‘It really angers me that people might think I was desperate for him to spend all this money on me and that I was in the relationship to gain financially. I didn’t need him to buy me any of those things. It was nice, of course, and he wanted to do it. But if I’d known it was all paid for with stolen money, I would never have touched him or his gifts.’

As her relationship with Upton deepened, he began to be more careless, even taking her along to his offices – while his wife was off work nursing their baby daughter – for sex sessions during working hours.

She recalled: ‘The staff all knew who I was yet they never said a word to his wife. We had sex pretty much everywhere in his office: on the desk, on the floor, anywhere we could make it exciting. I was so happy to be with someone who was so caring and considerate. He never mentioned a wife and certainly not his new baby daughter. One of the memories that turns my stomach now is when we were out one night at dinner and he produced some photographs of a baby girl. He told me she was his new niece – but in fact it was his own daughter, who was just a few months old. Later he sent more photographs of her to my phone. That makes me really angry now to think that he would deny his own daughter as well as betraying his wife.’

Victoria would remain in ignorance until June last year when, unable to get through to Upton on his mobile phone one day, she rang his office.

‘I asked if Darren was there and a secretary said, “I’ll let you speak to his wife” and transferred the call. I felt numb with shock. Tina Upton [who was also the company secretary] answered and told me Darren was being questioned by police over financial irregularities. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Not only was I having to take in that he had a wife I hadn’t known anything about, but he was in some sort of financial trouble. Then, without asking me outright if I was Darren’s mistress, Tina suddenly said that she’d suspected her husband was having an affair for some time but “had not pursued it”.

‘I felt distraught and hung up. Soon afterwards, I got a visit from police at the apartment in Manchester. They confirmed what I now knew – that Darren was married and had committed fraud. My Mercedes was taken away and the apartment lease terminated. It was a nightmare of unimaginable proportions and the man I had thought better than all the others who had gone before, turned out to be the biggest b*****d of the lot. How could he do this to a woman who had just given birth to his child? I would never have started seeing him if I had known the truth. It’s despicable.’

‘I felt very foolish. How could I have been so hoodwinked? Life had come crashing down and I found out this wonderful man who had made me feel so complete was already married with a child and had cheated those poor people out of hundreds of thousands of pounds. It was horrendous. Not only did I feel sorry for them but I felt very sorry for his wife. She’s the true victim. How could he do this to a woman who had just given birth to his child? I would never have started seeing him if I had known the truth. It’s despicable.’

The subsequent investigation discovered the total value of Upton’s fraud was £532,000. The firm had about 800 clients, mainly small computer companies, and instead of paying his clients’ corporation tax to the taxman, Upton diverted the cash into his own account. His clients even ended up having to pay penalties for unpaid tax when his crimes were exposed.

Upton had previously been investigated and forced to pay compensation for an unauthorised investment scheme but had continued to commit offences when he was on bail.

Victoria did not attend court last week, having now washed her hands of Upton. She said: ‘I couldn’t bear it. It has brought back too many painful memories. But I want people to know I am not to blame for any of this. I didn’t make him do any of it. He lied to me too.’

The prosecution said many of the clients he deceived felt betrayed as they regarded him as a friend. Other victims said their businesses had been left close to collapse and they had suffered ill health.

Upton’s defence team claimed he made a legitimate annual profit of £250,000, but began offending because he was forced to repay £840,000 to the Financial Services Authority in monthly instalments of £10,000 over the earlier investment scheme, which had not led to criminal charges. Not prepared to cut back on his lifestyle, he then started to misappropriate clients’ funds.

Victoria was never investigated by police, who accepted she had no knowledge of where the funds were coming from. Heartbroken by Upton’s deception, she has attempted to move on, and has thrown her energy into building up her own beauty business. She also had brief relationships with two international footballers since her relationship with Upton ended. Despite everything he has put her through, however, Victoria cannot bring herself to hate Upton.

She said: ‘He hasn’t done me any real harm – he was always a true gentleman to me and I will always remember that about him. He has been described as arrogant but I never saw that side of him. But what he did to his clients, as well as his wife and daughter, was unforgivable. He deserves to be in prison for what he did to them.

original article here

Red Flags!

1. Be wary of the guy who is busier than the President of the United States. Doesn't have the time to see you. Has too much work to do.
- Volunteers for additional assignments.
- Needs to wind down-with his buddies in a bar-rather than spend time with you.
- Doesn't know if he can "control" himself with you.
- Must spend more time with his children. Must do laundry. Must pay his bills.
- And the best one of all, must have "time for himself."

If he can't manage a few hours with you on a regular basis, his priorities are questionable. Chances are he is only paying lip service to how important you are in his life.

2. Be wary of the guy who can't be with you on important occasions: your birthday, Valentine's Day, when you need some emotional support, etc. (things even a GOOD FRIEND would do for you).
- If he can't rearrange his schedule to put you on top of his list, at least occasionally, you will always take a back seat to the rest of his life.

3. Keep a record, however brief, of his stories, missed appointments, too tired to chat, says GTG and yet you still see him online and all excuses. Save all chats even if he asks you to delete them!
- Pay attention to the details. A liar eventually trips up over his own lies.
- Has trouble remembering what he said the last time he spoke to you. Has trouble juggling his lies.
- If his responses sound vague or hesitant, something is wrong.
- If his stories, dates, or excuses change from day to day, something is wrong.
- If he tells you NOT to tell people about you & he, or to talk about your relationship with people you both know: WARNING. He needs to keep you and his other targets apart so you don't compare notes and catch him lying.

4. If his stories are too fantastic to be believable, they probably are not to be believed.
-Tales of exploits that are more appropriate for the pages of a Tom Clancy novel are especially suspect. (like William Michael Barber)
-Also, be wary of stories designed to elicit sympathy, i.e., dramatic or morbid deaths in his history, unusual or unexplained illnesses, or marital unhappiness etc.

5. Be wary of the guy who equates truthfulness with confrontation. Turns the tables on you. Makes you feel guilty about asking questions. Accuses you of doing things he is actually doing (PROJECTION).
- If he backs away from your inquiries, it's probably because he is less than truthful himself, and his life cannot bear close scrutiny.


6. Neither a lender nor a borrower be. Keep what is yours yours until the signing of the nuptials. (and even then!)
- Loaning money to a lover can upset the balance in a romantic relationship. No matter how noble or unselfish your intentions, he feels emasculated. Or he's using you as an ATM.
- Don't waste your efforts; if he is in the least insecure (a likely possibility), he will resent you for your actions.

7. Be wary of the guy who uses his children as an excuse not to see you (like Robert Darden). He may say it's too soon to meet his children; he doesn't want them to develop a fondness for you and then get hurt if things don't work out.
- That may be a legitimate concern in the beginning of a relationship - after all, no one wants a steady stream of lovers in their children's lives.
- Something is definitely wrong, however, if after several months, no attempt is made to involve you in their lives. More likely, the problem is not with the children but with the father.

8. Be concerned if you don't meet his friends.
- Either he doesn't have any, a sure sign of problems, or he doesn't want you to meet them perhaps because you may find out something you shouldn't.

9. Be suspicious if he won't introduce you to his family.
- The reason may be that he is not as serious about you as he claims to be or that he is afraid you will find out something you shouldn't. (like Yidwithlid)

10. Be suspicious of the guy who is unreachable. His cell phone is turned off for long periods of time. Or he doesn't return your calls until hours later. Or he is afraid to give you the number.
- If he claims he didn't get your calls or repeatedly blames the workmanship of his cell phone, recognize that for what it is: an excuse.
- He doesn't care about you enough to give you the number - something he'd give to a business acquaintance. Time for you to leave.

11. If he doesn't show up when he says he will, and worse yet, doesn't call with one heck of a good excuse, cross him off your Christmas card list.
- Standing up a woman is a sign of disrespect. If you excuse the behavior once, twice, thinking you are being understanding, you are just asking for more of the same.

12. Be VERY wary of the guy that runs hot and cold.
- First, he can't get enough of you; then all you get is days or weeks of total silence. Play the game by your rules, not his; your schedule, not his. Get on with your life; don't wait for his change in mood or affection. He may be 'grooming' you (seducing) to use & abuse later. (like Beckstead)
- His controlling behavior only serves to make you a victim of his mercurial and thoughtless whims.

13. Listen to your friends. Ask them what they think.
-They have your best interests at heart and are not likely to be blinded by your friend's charms. Hopefully, they will think enough of you to be truthful. If no one sees in him what you see, there is something wrong.
- Again, if he tells you NOT to tell your friends about you & he and/or doesn't want to meet them... drop him.

14. Check out your lover.
- Run his name, nicknames, and email addresses through a couple online search engines. Read EVERY PAGE.
- Hire a detective to establish the basics. Be observant.
- If you get a chance to visit his home, carefully examine your surroundings. Study photos on the wall. Certificates. Look at albums. Anything to establish he is who he says he is.
- If you know where he works, see if his company has a website. Make sure his description of what he does for a living tallies with what you learn. Cross check the work number that he gives you to the number that is listed in the phone book.
- Ask him to go to lunch. Meet him at his office. If there is any resistance to this suggestion, be wary. Why doesn't he want people to know he knows you??
- If a divorce is in his background (a likely possibility for those of us over 50) and he is from your area, spend time at the local courthouse. Some public records are available to the public. While you should not believe everything that is said by warring partners, you will get a sense of what you might have to face yourself. (If he's not from your area - again, try an internet search!)
- And while you are at it, check to see if there are any criminal or civil proceedings lodged against him.

15. Invest in a phone with caller ID. Screening your calls is not the only purpose for this useful function; you will also get a pretty good idea of where your guy is when he calls.

16. Learn to recognize inappropriate behavior for what it really is: behavior that you really don't want in your life on a permanent basis.
- Trust in your own common sense. You are a valuable person and deserve to be treated with respect and dignity; if you don't get that, move on. There are others who will appreciate your value.


"Never Too Late to Learn"
(56) Bethesda, Maryland

FROM DateSmart.com

(this article uses the male gender, yours may be female)

Website Built on Broken Families & Questionable Morals

AN attractive couple lie entwined in a cotton sheet - clearly satisfied after what seems to have been a steamy sex session.

Cue subtitles for a dramatic finale: "This couple is married . . . NOT to each other."

The controversial TV ad for an infidelity website caused outrage when it aired in America.

And now it could hit Britain as part of the multi-million pound UK launch of ashleymadison.com.

Branded "a business built on the back of broken hearts, ruined marriages and damaged families" but hailed by others as "an honest format for an age-old human weakness", the online phenomenon already boasts seven million members in the US, Canada and Australia.

Its owner Noel Biderman, a married father of two, hopes to add one million UK cheaters to his portfolio by Christmas.

Canadian-born Biderman, 39, says: "Ashley Madison is like a traditional dating site but for people already in relationships.

"It was becoming increasingly apparent people who wanted to cheat on their partners were using more traditional sites like Facebook and match.com but concealing the fact they were married when they began dating.

"My research showed around 30 per cent of these people were effectively taking off their wedding rings when they went online.

"So I didn't need to generate infidelity but I saw that I could capitalise on it by taking this pool of people away from the mainstream dating sites and letting them know about another community where both parties could be more honest about what they're doing."

Ashley Madison - which carries the slogan "Life is Short. Have an Affair" - has become a multi-million pound phenomenon, receiving news coverage on leading US shows and channels including CNN and Fox News.

Biderman clearly revels in the "King Of Infidelity" title given to him by the US media and delights in explaining the intricacies of his website.

Starting from £49 for 100 credits, members can email one another (five credits); engage in real-time chat, enter virtual bars and bedrooms (both 30 credits for 30 minutes) and even post virtual gifts to one another.

Launched on February 13, 2002 (a day Biderman has dubbed "Mistress Day"), the following years have been spent honing the product.

Dressed in chinos and brogues, Biderman attempts to present himself as a relaxed charmer but he sips on a can of Red Bull and talks at 100mph as he tries to excuse the questionable morals behind his business.

"I've spent years perfecting the product," he says.

"Lipstick on the collar doesn't catch out people these days. Digital lipstick - emails and text messages that get into the wrong hands - catches them out.

"I've had to convince people that communicating on Ashley Madison is safe, with billing under a pseudonym."

Biderman christened the business Ashley Madison because it combines the two most popular girls' names in the US and he wanted the brand to appeal to women as well as men.

In the UK around 40 per cent of people married or in long-term relationships cheat at some stage.

More than half of women and around 60 per cent of men have been unfaithful in the past.

Love or hate Biderman, he has so far managed to tap thriving markets for infidelity in other countries.

And the no-holds-barred messages on his website have given him an insight into cheating in the 21st Century.

Biderman says this comprises: "Around two men for every woman on the site and a three to four-year itch scenario as opposed to the more mythical seven-year phenomenon."

He adds: "There is also a dramatic shift in family dynamics after the birth of the first child. Intimacy levels between couples change because of the way people feel about their bodies.

"For years, infidelity was viewed as a male phenomenon but Ashley Madison revealed more and more women have been having affairs as opportunity has allowed them to enter the workplace.

"Not every woman a man cheats with is a mistress, is she? And the more emasculated men feel, the more it causes them to lash out and want to cheat on their wives."

Biderman is currently staying in a luxury Mayfair hotel as he prepares to launch his "service" in the UK.

A round of media interviews has been lined up and a £10million advertising budget is poised to be spent if he can get his controversial message past the Advertising Standards Authority.

He claims he has seen enough messages on his website from people in the UK to know there is a "captive market waiting to join".

And he claims: "By Christmas, I estimate that one million Brits will be using the site."

The product of a stable middle-class home, Biderman says there was no role model in his own family for infidelity.

The son of a dentist and a housewife, he thrived at school and was a sports attorney. His older brother is a banker.

Married for eight years, Biderman swears he has been faithful to his wife - a stay-at-home "mom" who looks after his son, five, and daughter, two.

"Have I been tempted to stray? Yes," he says confidently.

"But I talk about infidelity ten times a week. If there is anyone who should know about what it takes to be monogamous, it's me.

"Is our relationship perfect? No. But I try hard to keep it on the right tracks.

"I might one day find myself in a similar position to my members and, if so, I would rather stray then leave the family unit."

So has Biderman considered the possibility his wife might be cheating on him right at this moment?

Appearing a little flustered for the first time, he pauses before responding more slowly: "If my wife was cheating on me right now, I would be shocked."

By all accounts, Mrs Biderman would rather he got a more respectable job, but the legitimising of extra-martial affairs has reaped rich rewards.

Biderman admits to living in a "big house" and driving a Maserati sports car.

He clearly revels in the debate over his business but, amazingly, also tries to convince the world there are heart-warming stories surrounding infidelity.

Like the Ashley Madison Diaries, a book written by a woman trapped in a loveless marriage who allegedly found her Prince Charming on the website.

Or the elderly gentleman nursing a wife with Alzheimer's.

Biderman claims: "With the permission of his children, he joined and spent once a week with a married woman. He wanted to tell me his story because he could see I was getting a hard time in the media."

Actually, Biderman appears to delight in his role as a moral villain because he knows controversy sells.

And as he points out: "Extra-marital affairs existed long before Ashley Madison and will continue to long afterwards."

original article here

After Stalking His Ex on Facebook, he Kills Her

(U.K.) Clifford Mills, 49, attacked Lorna Smith after inviting her to his flat in Brixton, south London, in February last year. He denied murder, claiming he was suffering a mental abnormality at the time, but an Old Bailey jury took just 90 minutes to find him guilty.

Mills showed no emotion as the verdict was passed, but one of Miss Smith's relatives broke down in tears. Another shouted "Lorna lives in us, you murdering b******" as they left court.

Mills stabbed Miss Smith, 45, to death and went drinking for 14 hours before handing himself in at St Thomas' Hospital in central London. He told staff that someone called "Stan" had committed the killing and that "Stan" existed in his head.

Police found Miss Smith's body in Mills' flat, where he had left the Oasis song Stop the Clocks playing on a loop.

Miss Smith had been in a relationship with Mills from 2002 until 2006, and they remained in touch after breaking up. She began seeing another man, Tony Hersey, but Mills remained in "relentless" contact with her, prosecutor Zoe Johnson QC said.

As well as telephoning and sending text messages, he pretended to be someone called Charlie Manning on Facebook to stay in touch with her.

Mills had a "psychological grip" over Miss Smith and asked her to help him with court paperwork at his Brixton flat on the day she was killed.

Within 20 minutes of her arrival he had murdered her, because he was "jealous and angry", jurors were told.

Mills will be sentenced on Monday.

original article here

Another Online "Love" Connection Turns Ugly

By NBC10 Investigators

View more videos at: http://nbcphiladelphia.com.

Kristy Gaffney says she thought she’d found love when she met a man online. Now the Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania woman claims she’s in the battle of her life – fighting for the child they had.

“I thought like he was Mr. Perfect, ha, ha,” Gaffney told NBC10 Investigator Harry Hairston. “There’s no words for it. I’m just so angry at him.”

Gaffney says she met a man who told her he was Ed while surfing a popular dating website. The single mother, who is 29, says at first she was standoffish, but eventually warmed up to meeting him at a public place. Gaffney says that first date was at a restaurant just outside of Philadelphia and it led to many more dates and an intimate relationship.

Gaffney says her new love interest told her he was a businessman, divorced, worked for the C.I.A. and was related to one of the most well-known, wealthiest families in the country.

“He said, ‘My last name is Dupont,’ and I’m like, okay. And I said, ‘related to the Duponts?’ And he said, ‘Yes.’” Gaffney says eventually Ed started talking about wedding bells. “He also was talking about having kids. He said he never could have kids because him and his wife, she couldn’t get pregnant,” Gaffney says.

As their relationship continued, Gaffney got pregnant. She says at first Ed demanded she get an abortion and then changed his mind. After the baby was born, Gaffney says Ed asked her to sign some papers that would ensure he could claim his rights as the baby’s father. Gaffney says although she didn’t understand the paperwork, she signed it anyway and the two shared caring for the baby while Ed rehabbed his home so they could all live together as a family.

One day, Ed didn’t return their child as planned. Instead, Gaffney says he dropped this bombshell:

“That’s when he told me that the paperwork I actually signed was me giving up the rights, not to him to have his rights. It was me giving up my rights so his wife could adopt my baby, and I said, ‘Are you kidding me?’”

As it turned out, Ed wasn’t Ed Dupont. He was Emmitt Dippold, who was still married and he and his wife were in the final stages of adopting the baby.

“I couldn’t even believe that someone was capable of something like that,” Gaffney says. She took Dippold and his wife to court to get the adoption overturned.

We reached out to Dippold at his office and his home for his side of the story, but were not able to speak with him. In court documents, Dippold denied that he ever claimed to be a Dupont and says Gaffney may have assumed that because his email reads ‘ew-dupont.’ Dippold denied that he ever wanted Gaffney to have an abortion and denied that he ever talk about marriage. He said Gaffney should have known all along that he was married because pictures of he and his wife were in plain view the times he and Gaffney were in his home together.

In the end, the Judge believed Gaffney and overturned the adoption based on fraud. But the fight isn’t over because the Dippolds filed an appeal. Dippold’s attorney declined comment for our story, saying it’s inappropriate to talk about pending custody and adoption matters.

original article here

"SEDUCING WOMEN ONLINE"

(most of the first part of this post is a joke - poking fun at sites that instruct men (and women) how to seduce people online. However - many a truth is said in jest - and we felt it instructional for our readers. And enjoy a little tongue-in-cheek levity! - EOPC)

I was surfing the World Wide Web, and I came across some websites charging guys for advice on how to seduce women online. I thought this was not right. I probably know more about the subject then they do, so I decided to write an article on it. Also, just like a fat drugged stripper I am giving it up for free.

What should a guy do after he gets a woman's e-mail address?
I like to send my online ladies anonymous emails advertising new and improved drugs for STDs, and wait and see if they respond. You can never be too safe. There is one thing you should learn about women. They love constant attention. Since you are talking to her online you should probably give her double the attention. That means a constant stream of emails. Probably 5 or 6 a day. Each day increase your tone of urgency, and decrease the accuracy of your spelling and grammar. This lets her know you are a passionate person, and women love passion. Remember you want to be the only thing on her mind so flood that mailbox. (this sounds horrifically like every cyberpath we've profiled so far!)

What should I say in my first message to her?
It is always good to start with some sort of joke. Usually one belittling a minority ethnic group will work.

Once you have broken the ice with the joke, make the message as personal as possible. Women love guys that open up. I suggest just opening up the dam right away, and letting loose with all your personal baggage. Let her know your insecurities, and freakiest desires. Tell her how often you masturbate. If you have had homoerotic fantasies, now is the time to let her know. She will be very impressed with your openness and immediately recognize the connection you just made with her.

Do not bother asking her about the minor details of her life. Instead, dive right into its most personal aspects. Ask her if she was molested as a child. To show her you care about her, question her mental health. Ask her if she has any suicidal thoughts or tendencies. After a deep message like this, your bond with her should be rock solid.

What if she doesn't respond to him?
Ahh she enjoys the chase huh. The old cat and mouse game. If she does not respond, she obviously requires more overt displays of affection and passion. Write her professing your undying love and commitment to her. Tell her you cannot live with out her. Tell her your passion is so great that her not responding to you makes you want to do her harm. Women love that. It lets them know that you care, and that you are a man of action. (funny yes - but threats of harm can land you in jail!)

What if she threatens to call the police?
Oh, she is a feisty little minx. Do not be deterred by Johnny Law. All women believe that love will conquer all, and this is just a test to see if you have the drive to land her. Tell her that no law either god's or man's can keep you from her. Tell her that you relish every obstacle in the way, because it only deepens your desire and love for her. Beg her to get a restraining order, because that will show you that you mean something to her. (Unfortunately, for an online sociopath - this last line is often true)

What should a guy do when she asks to see a picture?
Women do not expect you to give them an actual picture of yourself. Just search the Internet for a picture of some male model and send her that. Don't worry about her getting the wrong idea. Women just want to see how resourceful you are.

What if she isn't attractive in her picture?
Relax bud. It is pretty well established rule that women are much, much better looking in person than they are in their Internet pictures. If she looks a little ogreish and chunky in the picture. Just assume that it is bad lighting and she is much thinner now. Trust me.

What do I do once I get her phone number?
Verify that it is legitimate. Do this by calling and hanging up a few times. (LOL - but also a good way to get arrested)

When you call her for real, let her know that you cannot believe she actually gave you her number. This shows that you are appreciative. Make sure she knows that you like her in a sexual way. Tell her, her voice sounds sexy. Ask what she is wearing. Question the state of moisture in her panties. Also, inquire as to whether or not she is touching herself at the present point in time. These are the signals she needs to assure her that you do in fact want to stuff her box.

What should a guy do if a woman he is talking to online is nervous about meeting him in person?
Mmmm a timid temptress. Seducing her should be a pleasure.

First, do not play along with her timid games. Urgently suggest that you meet as soon as possible. Let her know that if you wait any longer to meet her you are liable to go crazy, and can not possibly be held accountable for your actions. (This sounds a lot like Jeff Dunetz with his 'can't control' nonsense)

To put her more at ease tell her you have "a big surprise waiting for her". Women love surprises.

Some women might be nervous because they are scared to go out in public. To be safe assure her that you are taking her some place private, and dark.

What should a guy do once she agrees to meet him?
Heyyy-Ohhh! If a girl you meet online has agreed to meet you that means she is ready for you to f*ck her. She is probably very comfortable with you and totally into you. What you need to do is just close the deal. Tell her you are going to take her to dinner or a party.
When you pick her up do not really say anything to her or look at her for that matter. This makes you seem mysterious, and will heighten her erotic desires. Drive to a deserted location. Whip out your **** and say, "dinner is served" or "here is the party *****". Women love spontaneous men, and since she is already so into you, she should be all over your ****. Score!

FROM THIS SITE

Here's a real seduction site - this part is NOT a joke and a scary site that! CLICK HERE
(this part is NOT a joke - it is very real. Did your predator do this to you?)

LOVE BOMBING - A favorite technique of Cyberpaths
The term "Love Bombing" originated with the Moonies to describe a step in their process of conversion. Cyberpaths use it to coerce and brainwash their targets and promote thought reform so the targets/ prey will do what they want WITHOUT QUESTION. Targets are overwhelmed with attention which makes them feel special, loved, and an important part of the new "online relationship."

Aspects of this technique include, but are not limited to flattery, verbal seduction, affectionate, as it goes along - cybersex or sexual conversion and lots of attention. (Singer, p 114)

Geri-Ann Galanti, a cult researcher, experienced love bombing. Regarding a very personal compliment she received, she stated, "Even though I knew it was a manipulative technique, I wanted to believe she meant it, and I decided that she really did. After all, it matched my own perception of myself." Recovery from Cults, p 98.

Love-bombing instills trust. It is impossible to think of the new person as harmful, because are so friendly & seemingly honest (its all a game to them). They seem so supportive and nice; how can this be wrong?

Love-bombing can produce a physical, mental & emotional "high." Prey/ targets can come to feel dependent on this feeling and the safety net of talking to the cyberpath. It also makes them feel loyal and dedicated, as they now may feel they owe the cyberpath some attention or even money & goods in return. Targets often mistake this for "being IN LOVE" and the Cyberpath only encourages & cements this perception.

Cyberpaths frequently use all kinds of "friendshipping"techniques to find new and retain targets/ prey. This includes befriending, coercing and sometimes love bombing the initial target's friends (see the stories of Jeff Dunetz/ Gridney/ Yidwithlid or Dan Jacoby!). Sometimes this friendship is sincere, but more often than not, it is superficial. Sometimes the cyberpath does this to isolate the friends from each other so they can never put the "full story" together. (They tell each friend that the other is "obsessed with" them or "stalking" them & demand secrecy) They are not really interested in someone as a person who they would honestly like to get to know -- they are interested in them as a potential target!

When the Cyberpath gets bored, or something happens to make the target "inconvenient" for them (spouses/ family members find out) or the target gets wise to them, love is withdrawn. This is the opposite of love bombing, a total withdrawal of love and support as a punishment for going against the Cyberpath's wishes or simply the Cyberpath being bored. This is NEVER the target's fault though the Cyberpath will try to make them believe that it is!

Furthermore, love bombing helps silence complaints and criticism, long after the initial predation. The target will feel 'responsible' and the cyberpath will say the target 'did it too' or is 'just as guilty' - often the target believes it and feels tremendous shame and guilt. Be assured this is TOTALLY the doing & fault of the cyberpath - no one else.

Here's a great discussion on LOVE BOMBING - something Cyberpaths do!

Woman Thinks Boyfriend is Still Browsing Online Dating Sites

Dear Harriette:
I'm in a committed relationship with a guy I met on a dating Web site seven months ago. Things between us are good, but I have a feeling he's still "fishing" on the same Web site and I don't know how to ask him about it. When he suggested we become exclusive, I told him I wanted us to remove our profiles since we weren't going to see other people any longer. He agreed, but never took his profile off.

I didn't let it bother me at first because he never gave me a reason not to trust him. Lately however, I noticed that he goes on the site every few days. He says he's a "one-woman type of guy" and doesn't want to date anyone else.

But I don't trust him. How can I ask him if he is still looking, without sounding too accusing and psychotic? I'd have to admit that I check his profile, and that does not look too good. How I can resolve this without scaring him away?

Tati, Dallas, Texas
******
Tati:

Before you start feeling "too accusing and psychotic," come clean with him. Sit down with your boyfriend and admit what you have discovered and how you learned it. Explain to him that you had an inkling that he might not have "taken himself off the market," and, trusting your instincts, you checked.

Lo and behold, you discovered he had not done what he had agreed to do with you, namely take his profile off the dating site. Ask him why he has chosen to remain "out there" and available. Without threatening, probe to learn what he's thinking.

Tell him you enjoy his company and would like to believe what he says, that he doesn't want to date anyone else, but that his actions say otherwise. His response will cue you into your next steps.

Truth be told, his behavior already has told you what you need to know.

http://www.harriettecole.com

(EOPC's response: First, you met him Online and now you say you are in a COMMITTED relationship? Can't be very committed if you don't trust him.

Second, you had every right to check on his online activities. If he gets angry - we wouldn't be worried about scaring him away. Frankly, we would put his butt right back on the curb.

And try another route to meeting someone. NO MORE ONLINE DATING. Volunteer, work on YOU. The chances of meeting a decent person online and not a predator by our estimates? 1000 to 1.

Our gut says, honey - you got a Player! Let him go play somewhere else!)

Cyberstalker: "You Ruined Her Life"

By Claire Ellicott

An obsessed television producer who stalked his ex-classmate for nearly a decade was jailed yesterday after he sent her an anniversary card marking the sixth year of her restraining order against him.

Sentencing Elliot Fogel, 37, to two years in prison, Judge Ian Darling branded his behaviour ‘sinister and deeply concerning’ and said he was jailing him for the good of the public.

The former Sky Sports news producer Googled Claire Waxman’s name 40,000 times in a year, posed as a prospective parent at her child’s nursery, broke into her car and made hundreds of late-night phone calls to her.

As a result of his nine-year campaign of harassment, Mrs Waxman, 36, a therapist, claims she suffered a miscarriage, developed an eating disorder and had been forced to move home five times. It is the third time Fogel, who the prosecution described as the ‘stalker who will not stop stalking’, has breached his restraining order and the second time he has been jailed to protect the mother-of-two.

In the latest breach, on February 1, 2011, Fogel drove along a road in Willesden, north-west London, where Mrs Waxman regularly parked and slowed down before giving her a ‘sinister’ grin.

Shortly before, he had been called a ‘vexatious’ litigant after bringing a civil case against her which alleged that she had created a hate campaign against him on Facebook. The case was dismissed and Mrs Waxman is suing the Crown Prosecution Service for £5,000 because it failed to prosecute Fogel for bringing legal action against her because it said it would have breached his human rights.

Although Fogel claimed he was using the route as a short cut home from the hearing, the judge said: ‘I’m satisfied that you drove slowly and sinisterly up behind her and when she looked you smiled at her before driving off.’

Judge Darling said Fogel’s ‘compulsive and enduring obsession’ meant that he posed a high risk to the public and there was no option but to give him a custodial sentence.

He told him: ‘You have plagued her life for many years and you have literally ruined it. You have mentally terrorised her over many, many years and her life will never and can never be the same.

‘Your actions have not just affected her, they have also impacted on her family, her children, her wider family and her friends, so widespread and calculating you have been.’

The Inner London Crown Court heard that Fogel allegedly posted a card to Mrs Waxman on January 16 – the sixth anniversary of his restraining order – while he was on bail awaiting sentence for his third breach. Although the card was unsigned, she said the ‘tenor’ and timing convinced her it was from him.

Fogel, of Edgware, north-west London, first developed an unhealthy obsession with Mrs Waxman when the pair were A-level students together at a college in St Albans, Hertfordshire. She demanded he leave her alone and she heard nothing more until she received a dinner invitation from him ten years later in 2003, which she declined.

Later that year, he was seen jogging on the spot outside her home and he began spending more time around her workplace. After his arrest, a police search of his computer revealed he had her wedding photographs as a screensaver and a Google Earth aerial map of her home. It also emerged that he had posed as a prospective parent at the nursery her daughter attended and had also paid for background searches to be carried out on both her husband, Marc, 35, who works in marketing, and her father.

In 2006, Mrs Waxman obtained a restraining order banning him from going near her home, her work or her parents’ address, which he repeatedly breached, even after being jailed for 16 weeks last year.

Yesterday Fogel showed no emotion as he was jailed.

original article here

IF YOU LOVE ONE OF THESE, A BOOK OFFERS HELP

By KRISTIN DIZON

Jerk. Witch. Creep.

You’ve probably used such names to describe a romantic partner gone bad, or maybe a few choice words of the four-letter variety.

But, there’s another name for the ones who are so self-absorbed and self-centered that all of their needs and wants come first: the narcissist.

He’s the boyfriend who begs you to leave your job, family and rent-controlled apartment to move to another state to be with him, only to discover, after moving, that he’s got another girlfriend he failed to tell you about.

She’s the girlfriend who creates a crisis out of every little situation so she can be the perpetual look-at-me center of attention and drama.

It’s the father who chose to play golf instead of help with his young son’s birthday party, despite his wife’s pleas. Then he arrived when the party was almost over, crushing his son’s feelings.

All of these are examples from flesh and blood people in the new book, “Help! I’m in Love With a Narcissist,” by relationship authors Julia Sokol and Steven Carter. (M. Evans and Co., 270 pages).

Previously, they wound up on the best-seller list for “Men Who Can’t Love,” in which they coined the now ubiquitous term, “commitmentphobia.” Now, they’re throwing our self-obsessed, me!, me!, me! approach to relationships under the microscope.

We live in narcissistic times. We observe every move of Paris Hilton and P. Diddy, and lavish attention upon arrogant business moguls like Donald Trump.

Reality is, most of us have some degree of narcissism and self-centeredness. But there's a big difference between garden-variety narcissistic tendencies and toxic narcissism.

Narcissists are often charming, adventurous people who entertain us with their interesting stories and grandiose sense of self. They are often very attentive and appreciative toward their partners for the first month or two, and are skilled at fanning the chemistry.

But, they also know how to demean, criticize and show no empathy for others. They're often controlling and have a needy side that asks frequently: Do you really love me? Will you leave me? Are you like all of the others?

Many have a history of troubled relationships and lots of emotional baggage.

They take, they demand, they expect. In return, they give very little, although many are good at delivering flowery words of love that suck us back in, especially after a fight or ultimatum.

But, how do you know if you're living with a narcissist? The bottom line is that if you're in a relationship that's dominated by the other person's wishes and priorities, without the normal give-and-take and compromise, you very well may be shacking up with a narcissist.

Sokol recently spoke with us from her Rhode Island home about living with and loving narcissists.

Who did you write this book for? And why the need for it?

"We're writing it for everybody who doesn't quite understand why they're getting stuck in the same relationship -- one that revolves around the other person. ... I think it's very widespread. And we also did this book to help readers understand their own narcissistic issues. That will help you understand the choices you make and why you're drawn to a particular type of person. Most of these people who get into these hideous, hideous relationships, one after another, complain that they were bored with other people."

What separates average narcissistic qualities from a true toxic narcissist?

"I guess it's how much pain that person is causing and how unable and completely incapable the toxic narcissist is to feel anything for another person. The narcissist is able to weave this terrific web of fantasy and illusion. It's fulfilling all your fantasies, all your dreams. You've always wanted to feel unique and special and the narcissist is able to make you feel that and that this is a unique and special relationship."

Why do people fall for narcissists?

"I think society places a value on narcissism and narcissistic values. We put an emphasis on the superficial. We put an emphasis on the people who sound as though they know what they're talking about, even when they don't. ... Narcissism forgives an awful lot that in an earlier time would have been considered obnoxious. Modesty is no longer a virtue in this country. Narcissists tend to tell you that they're wonderful and terrific and adorable. ... They tend to know how to sweep people off their feet. They are incredibly seductive. They know what you like to hear."

A lot of folks seem to believe that with enough love and hope and effort, the narcissist in their life can change. What do you think?

"After years of hearing these stories -- and we've heard thousands of them -- they don't ever seem to change."

How does one's upbringing tie into loving a narcissist or becoming one?

"Many people have parents who have all-about-me tendencies -- everything comes back to that person. The child is the audience, the support system, a part of this drama. And then they turn around and find partners who pull us in this way. It comes from our own weak sense of self. ... Some are so spoiled by parents that they turned into narcissists."

Why are narcissists so hard to leave?

"Narcissism is also about feelings of sadness and depression. So the classic narcissistic partner has this 'look-at-me' quality, but also has this 'oh poor me, I really need help.' They draw you in with stories of their sadness and the emptiness and you feel that somehow you can fill this void. And you tell yourself, he really loves me -- even though he's cheating on me every other night of the week."

What's your advice for people to get out of a narcissistic relationship and break the pattern?

"You have to understand what attracts you to this person. You start setting up boundaries that you're not going to let people cross. You really start believing in the things that you say are important. You stop focusing on perfection, you stop worrying about being bored. And you stop feeling that you can solve the other person's problems. ... The minute you feel you're in this kind of relationship or you've had more than one person like this in your life, a little professional help is not going to hurt."

You and Steven Carter coined the term commitmentphobia. Do you think narcissist will become part of the dating lexicon?

"I think it's starting to do that already. And it's about time, too. I think this is the relationship issue of our times. There's nothing to curb people like these. They're in a society that supports it."

KNOW A NARCISSIST?

Here are the signs of narcissism. It takes five or more before you can slap the label on someone:

1. An exaggerated or grandiose sense of self-importance that isn't supported by reality

2. A preoccupation with fantasies of extraordinary success, wealth, power, beauty and love

3. A belief that he/she is special and unique and can only be understood by other special people

4. An intense need for admiration

5. A sense of entitlement

6. A tendency to exploit others without guilt or remorse

7. An absence of meaningful empathy

8. A tendency to be envious or to assume that he/she is the object of others' envy

9. An arrogant attitude

SOURCE

Charged with Online Harassment

(U.S.A.) Bridgeport man once again faces charges for stalking a woman in Fairfield, and this time police said he used a fake name and Facebook and Twitter accounts, police said.

Dawer Gilani, 32, of Atlantic Street, was taken into custody by Fairfield police Monday at his home and charged with 10 counts of violation of a protective order and violation of his conditions of release. He was held on a $250,000 bond and was scheduled to appear Tuesday in Bridgeport Superior Court.

Gilani was stalking the same woman he was charged with harassing previously, police said. She contacted police on Jan. 12 to report that Gilani was using the name Ali Umar and sending her friend requests on Facebook. While he apparently used a different name, he did not use a different photograph and the woman was able to identify him as Gilani. He also set up a Twitter account using that name, but police said the only person he was following on Twitter was the victim.

Police seized evidence from Gilani's car and home during the arrest.

Sgt. Suzanne Lussier said Gilani began stalking the victim at her place of employment last January when he was initially warned to stay away. The next month, he went to her office, and asked to speak with her, telling her co-workers that he knew her from the Planet Fitness gym in Trumbull. He was told to leave. In March, the victim found a note on her car, telling her not to call police. Afraid for her safety, she reported the incident to police.

In April, Gilani came to police headquarters asking if there was a legal way to contact the woman. Again, he was warned to refrain from contacting her in any way, and the woman was advised by police to obtain a restraining order.

Police spotted Gilani in May circling the parking lot of the Fairfield building where the woman works, and police said he admitted he was trying to find her car. Gilani was charged with stalking and criminal trespass in May and again in August. In June, Trumbull police also charged Gilani for repeatedly driving by the victim's home, while Bridgeport police have reportedly investigated five documented incidents involving Gilani stalking another woman in that city, police said.

According to court records, Gilani pleaded not guilty in August to threatening, harassment and disorderly conduct charges stemming from the Fairfield arrest and the case is awaiting disposition. He also pleaded not guilty to the Trumbull charges of stalking, breach of peace and violating conditions of release, and court records indicate that case is awaiting disposition. A third court case is blocked from the public with the notation that it is "statutorily sealed."

original article here

Stalker Sending Men to My House for Sex ...was my Ex!

By NIKKI WATKINS


(U.K.) Amy Lees answered a knock at her front door and a man burst in, grabbed her by the throat and threatened to rape her. The sicko fantasist had been led to believe she was keen to take part in a sordid sex game. She fought him off — but he was just one of hundreds of strangers who kept turning up on her doorstep for months demanding that she had sex with them.

Traumatised Amy was the victim of a vicious internet stalker who had plastered her name, photos and home address on websites offering her up for weird role-play fantasies. And, shockingly, the stalker was her ex-boyfriend Khalid Hussain — who she had turned to for help when she felt besieged, scared and vulnerable in her home.

Amy has bravely waived her anonymity to tell her horrifying story to The Sun. She said: "For nine months I was stalked. It was the worst time of my life. I was trapped and frightened. I wouldn't wish that terror on my worst enemy. It was a truly horrifying experience."

Amy, a 31-year-old barmaid, first met care worker Hussain, 30, via a dating website in October 2009.

She said: "I had just come out of a relationship and wanted to have fun so I joined the site. I got chatting to Khalid. He seemed very kind and sweet. After a couple of weeks chatting on MSN and Facebook I invited him round for dinner. We chatted for hours and by the end of the evening we were a couple. He was very attentive and sent me bouquets of flowers every week."

But they began having arguments and split up quite regularly. Three months after their meeting, Amy ended the relationship. She said: "While we were apart I went on Facebook and noticed a friend request from a man called Simon. Although I didn't know him, I replied because I was flattered to get male attention. We started emailing and texting. He wanted a sexy picture so, stupidly, I sent him a picture of myself in underwear. As soon as I hit send, I regretted it."

The next day Simon put the picture on Amy's Facebook wall under the caption: "Here's my new girlfriend I'm going to f*** the a*** off her." Her voice shaking, Amy said: "I was shocked, took the photo down and texted Simon telling him to leave me alone. He texted back saying, 'I'm going to have my fun, you f***ing bitch, wait and see.' Seeking emotional support, I got back with Khalid and he was really supportive. I felt safer knowing he was there."

Days later Amy started getting texts from Simon calling her disgusting names. Amy said: "Things were terrible and I felt as if I needed somebody to be there for me — but Khalid was becoming very controlling. I knew I had to end things with him for good. "We parted as friends and stayed in touch. Every time I was contacted by Simon I'd tell Khalid, desperate for support."

Amy called the police about the harassment and they shut down her Facebook account while they investigated. But in February 2010 things took a menacing turn when men — often up to 20 a day — started arriving at her house wanting to have sex with her. Amy said: "When the first person came to the door asking me for sex I was so gobsmacked I just closed it in his face. But the second and third time it happened I knew it was probably down to Simon. I was so confused and vulnerable. I became petrified and would always check from my upstairs window who was at the door before I opened it. I kept a frying pan at hand, so I felt protected, and friends would stay over so I felt safer. The police were still involved but there seemed to be little they could do. I became a quivering wreck as the men knocked at the door and shouted obscenities through my letterbox. I hardly slept and every day became a battle. I became too weak and frightened to leave the house.

"About four months after the men started arriving, there was a knock on the door. I opened it a crack and saw a respectable-looking man in his forties. He grabbed me by the throat, said he was going to rape me and pushed me inside the house. I tried to fight him off and my friend, who was in my house at the time, ran to help me. The man realised his mistake and stepped away, whispering, 'I'm sorry. I thought I was talking to you on the internet. I thought this is what you wanted'.

"He ran out of the house and I managed to get his registration number and call the police. I put panic alarms supplied by the police all over the house and added a chain to the door. They also put a sign up on my door explaining that any internet directions to my house were a hoax."

The man was arrested but not charged because he had been talking to someone online who had set up a fake profile. That someone turned out to be Hussain — and he had set up many other profiles in her name. He had used photos from her Facebook account and given out her home address.

He was jailed for two years nine months in September last year after admitting harassment.

There were 53,000 cyber-stalking allegations recorded in 2009 and experts believe the actual number could be ten times this. New laws are set to be introduced to combat the crime.

Amy said: "The shock of knowing my ex-boyfriend was behind all of this left me feeling physically sick. He had written that I was into rape re-enactment along with numerous sordid sexual acts. It made me feel disgusted. He had seemed kind but all along he was evil and dangerous. I'm glad he is in jail and can't do that to anyone else — but if I had been the judge I would have given him life. I still find it very difficult to trust anyone. I sleep in the room with my four Staffordshire bull terriers and don't like going out on my own."

Amy is now making a fresh start, having found a new man. But she warned: "It is so important that cyber stalking is taken seriously because we are all at risk."

If you think you are being stalked, it is vital to act now.

For more information and to get help in the U.K. contact the Suzy Lamplugh Trust at suzylamplugh.org or 020 7091 0014

original article here

ADDICTED TO ONLINE PORN

Experts fear rise in cybersex obsession
By Linda Carroll

With the explosion of pornographic sites on the Internet, some experts on sex and addiction are concerned that increasing numbers of unsuspecting users will become victims of an obsession that can ruin lives and relationships. While many people may be able to dabble in Net porn with no ill effects, some run the risk of developing a serious, and potentially dangerous, addiction to online erotica.

"MY SPECULATION, based on my work with other addictions, is that those with vulnerabilities may be swept into the Net - pun-intended - of compulsive sexual behavior," said Anna Rose Childress, an associate professor in the department of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania’s Treatment Research Center in Philadelphia.

"There may be a hapless subgroup here who would not have managed to develop a compulsive pursuit of... sexual behavior because of [societal] constraints and inconveniences. The Internet erases most of these, and the vulnerable subgroup is then at the mercy of their hardwiring."

A recent MSNBC.com survey found that as many as 80 percent of visitors to sex sites were spending so much time tracking down erotica on the computer that they were putting their real-life relationships and/or jobs at risk. Until they discovered cybersex, most of these people had no problems with sexual addition, according to the survey’s author, Al Cooper, a sex therapist at the San Jose Marital Services and Sexuality Center in San Jose, Calif.

Sex researchers are beginning to see people who have lost control.

"I've seen enough individuals in my clinic who have gotten hooked [on sex] on the Web to know that this is a significant development," said Dr. John Bancroft, director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University. "I think this needs to be taken very seriously."

Bancroft and his colleagues plan a study to determine which people are most at risk of developing problems with online pornography.

BETTER SEX THROUGH ONLINE PORN?
But adult Web site owners play down the notion that there’s a problem.

Mark Kreloff, president and CEO of New Frontier Media, a Boulder, Colo., company that delivers adult content via the Internet, satellite and cable TV, defends Web pornography as educational, and says he doesn’t buy the concept of porn addiction.

"I think that aspect of our business is grossly blown out of proportion by people that don't like the business that we're in," Kreloff said. "I generally think that our programming leads to healthier sexual relationships. It certainly provides an educational base to people who are interested in their sexuality and the sexuality of people. I just really don’t find that it’s a real issue that we're facing."

Dr. Robert Hsiung agrees that there are healthy ways to use cybersex.

"I don't think that any involvement is bad," said Hsiung, an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Chicago. "If a couple surfs together and it turns them on and helps their sex life, I don't see any problem with that."

ROAD TO ADDICTION
So how can simple pornography become addictive?

"Sexual stimuli can be very powerful," Childress said. "There's a strong, imperative 'must look!' quality to them, the byproduct of an evolutionary premium on reproduction. And humans are great lookers, by nature."

Add in the special features of the Web and you've got a problem, according to Childress. "Usually looking, and the pleasurable arousal that accompanies it, has some constraints," she explained. Laws against peeping through people's windows and the social discomfort felt by buyers of porn magazines and renters of hard-core videos constrain many people.

But the Internet reduces these constraints considerably, Childress said. “There are few external regulations,” she said. "[People think] 'Who am I hurting?' And there are limitless, intense, overwhelming images to match any fantasy, and, with interactive programs, [there are] cyber-people who wish to be looked upon, talked to or aroused. This up-front sexuality can be novel, seductive and euphorogenic.

"As with other addictions, there is likely a vulnerable subgroup who now find themselves having trouble putting on the brakes, and cybersex begins to take up more and more of their time. They crave it. They find it beginning to interfere with other activities and relationships and that it resists attempts to stop or cut down. These are the hallmarks of addiction."

While it's not clear who the vulnerable people are, Bancroft suspects that the people most likely to be sucked into an unhealthy relationship with cybersex have some other underlying psychological problem. They are using the Web to self-medicate negative feelings such as anxiety, stress or depression, he suggests. "This is a quick and easy way to feel better," Bancroft said. "But it's a rather transient treatment."

What should you do if you think someone has an unhealthy involvement with Net sex? “Try to be open and discuss it with him or her,” Bancroft suggests. “Get it out on the table so it becomes a shared issue and not something that's hidden away.”

Linda Carroll is a health and medical writer based in New Jersey whose work has appeared in Newsday, the Chicago Sun Times, the Detroit Free Press and the Los Angeles Times.MSNBC’s Mike Brunker contributed to this report.

MSNBC
Original article here