A Cyberpath's View of the World

excerpted from this great, must read site! CLICK HERE:

A Cyberpath/ Narcissist is like a vampire who drains the emotional and even physical energy out of those close to him. He identifies and cultivates his prey, using them as a source of supply to feed his never-ending egotistical needs.



Should his source not be good enough, he will dump it and can cut people off in an instant without a second thought. If he believes that the source has potential to be a good one, he will however nurture it and cultivate it carefully. This is where his charming mask comes into play.

Everyone is a source of supply to him and he cultivates this in everyone that he encounters and deals with. Those closest to him are however given the special honour of being his greatest source of narcissistic supply and will be severely punished if they falter at all.

From his family in particular the cyberpath/ narcissist demands unquestioning obedience, unwavering belief in him, complete subjugation to his whims and needs and perpetual attention.

There is another aspect to this however. The cyberpath/ narcissist does not only feed off adoration and gratitude, but on negative emotion as well. You are his mirror and as long as you are reflecting (reacting), his needs are being fed.

Often he will go out of his way to provoke a negative reaction purely so that he can get some sort of "power feed".

Remember that the mirror he is looking into is not made of glass, but of water. It is constantly moving and rippling. It is vibrant and alive. This activity seems to be a key factor for the cyberpath/ narcissist, as if it in itself validates him and makes him more real and less illusion.

When the waters get too calm and there is not enough movement, he will toss a pebble in and create some ripples just to get things going again. It gives him an enormous sense of power to know that he can so easily evoke reactions in his victims.

Even after he's been exposed he loves pushing his "false version" of events just to upset his victim.

It often seems as if the cyberpath/ narcissist is just plain bored when there isn't some drama around to feed him and, when all else fails, he will whip up a quick batch out of nothing. He will provoke you, taunt you, beat you, berate you - whatever it takes. Once you have given him sufficient response, he will finally sit back satisfied, in the same way that you or I may sit back in mellow pleasure after a good meal.

This is exactly what his dramas are to him. A good meal.

In this same vein, cyberpath/ narcissists love a good accident, a good disaster or a really juicy crisis. It doesn't matter whether it involves them or not. As long as they know about it they will make it about themselves in one way or another, wringing out of it every drop of sympathy or admiration that they possibly can.

They also love success stories, especially their own. They in fact have hundreds of success stories at hand with which to impress and win admiration. It may not be their story, but that's beside the point. Somehow they will make it theirs and if it actually belongs to someone close to them, you can be sure that they are the sole reason for that person's success.

An extremely difficult issue to come to terms with when you discover that your Cyberpath is a narcissist, is the awful, gut-wrenching realisation that this person has never loved you. They do not love, period. The only concept of love that they possess is the realization that it matters to the rest of us and it is therefore something that they can use. A weapon in their well-stocked arsenal.

To the abuser you are no more than an object for self-gratification. Like a desk or a chair. Sex with you is merely sex with a 'blow-up doll with a pulse.' You have no individual identity, which is why they get so enraged when you act as if you do. Your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors are meant to exist and be employed for one purpose only - to make the narcissist look good and feel satisfied.

This is why he is so hell-bent on controlling every aspect of you and your life. - In his view of the world, it all belongs to him.


He is a demi-god. He believes that he can destroy you. This creative power of his applies to every aspect of everyone in his life. Without him you would be nothing and it frustrates him enormously when you refuse to realize this and grovel in gratitude that he even bothered to pay attention to you.

If you have a narcissistic Cyberpath in your life, please come to terms with the fact that you are not going to change him or her. The potential that you are clinging to is an illusion, the nice guy that you sometimes see is a manipulative mask, the dream of happy ever after is a pipe dream and the concept of love overcoming all is delusional. For love to have power, it has to exist in the first place. With a Cyberpath it doesn't and there is about a 99.9% chance that it never will.

If you think that your love for them can overcome on its own, you are engaged in magical thinking. These people are unreachable because they choose to be and it is a choice that nothing you do or feel can ever change.
Probably the most important thing to remember with a Cyberpath is that you will never win. They are beyond being rational, they do not listen to anyone else unless it is about them and when they do catch the odd thing that you have said they will normally distort it and use it against you at some stage.

Never ever show any weakness with them because they will store it away - for a lifetime if necessary - and use it against you (or someone else) some day. They go for the jugular because that is the quickest access point to maximum blood and this is exactly what they are after - your very life blood.

(though this article was written in the masculine, your Cyberpath may be female.)

FAMILY MAN (Met Online)

from 'MYCRAZYEX' CLICK HERE

ROMANCE SCAMMER IN JAIL

by Pat Coughtrey

The man behind a sophisticated and lucrative online dating scam, who used love as a means to dupe women, has been sent to jail for six years and four months.

Hery Agunu, 25, was sentenced on October 25 after he had pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit fraud by misrepresentation after a bank in America stopped a payment which it believed to be fraudulent and alerted the US authorities.

They handed the case over to the Met Police’s Operation Podium, which led the investigation that tracked Agunu down.

The court had heard that Agunu, from Forest Gate, used Facebook, dating websites and other social media to portray himself as a white, widowed American businessman in search of love and companionship. He built a number of aliases, using details of real people.

He spent anything from two weeks to months on grooming his victims into forming a relationship with him and even falling in love. Then he would persuade the women that he was struggling financially and needed to borrow money until he got paid.

In one scam, Agunu told the victim he had won a multi-million pound contract to deliver “platform and transport services” for the Met Police during the Olympic and Paralympic Games. He went to great lengths in researching and writing a fake lucrative contract showing himself as the winner of the work.

Bankrupt

Podium have identified 17 victims from America, Canada and Trinidad and Tobago, aged from their mid-fifties to late seventies. One victim, a 69-year-old woman from the US, sent Agunu £144,000 as a result of his scam. Another victim lost so much money to him that she has had to declare herself bankrupt.

Agunu worked with 39-year-old Evelina Sisin from Edmonton, whose bank account was used to launder some of the money. She pleaded guilty in June to money laundering and was sentenced to 18 months in jail on October 25.

After the case, Det Supt Nick Downing, of Operation Podium, said: “Agunu was a sophisticated and charismatic operator who deliberately wormed his way into way into women’s affections, promising love and marriage, simply to rip them off. He has made thousands of pounds, and left a number of women suffering more than just financial loss.

“My advice to anyone is simple – no matter what the circumstances, never give money to anyone you meet online and cannot prove for yourself they are who they say, even if they use the name of a well-known organisation, such as ours, or produce professional-looking documents in an attempt to add credence to their claims. Such things are all too easy to fake.”

Agunu, of Odessa Road, pleaded guilty to conspiracy to defraud at Isleworth Crown Court on October 22.

The judge ordered that other offences of money laundering lie on file.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE FOUND HERE

Study Shows Over 30% of Internet Dating Site Users are Married

Study Shows Over 30% of Internet Dating Site Users are Married
Newly launched PrivateDateFinder.com is the first and only dating site where you can find romance without anyone else knowing. The site offers a unique way to conceal both how you pay as well as eliminating all the tracks you leave behind. The result is confidential purchases and the comfort of knowing your activities remain private.

(Monarch Bay, CA.) – First Privacy Financial, LLC. announces the launch of www.PrivateDateFinder.com, the first and only dating site where you can find romance without anyone else knowing. The site offers a unique way to conceal both how you pay as well as eliminating all the tracks you leave behind. The result is confidential purchases and the comfort of knowing your activities remain private.

Research shows that over 30% of existing online date site members are either married or in relationships. However, no one has addressed this large segment who desire real privacy or those who never used online dating simply because they didn't want anyone else knowing. They simply do not want to get caught.

Jerry Klein, President / CEO of the First Privacy Financial said; “Private Date Finder offers a real solution to those who simply do not want anyone else to know they are using a dating site. In a USA Today poll an overwhelming 88% of respondents said they are concerned about their privacy and consider protecting it important. Now you can safely buy anything online and no one will know."

Private Date Finder includes free membership in EverPrivate, a proprietary patent pending web-based service that erases all your tracks from any PC without any downloaded software. Also included is a free prepaid PrivaCash MasterCard, a virtual Debit card issued instantly online that can be re-loaded at 35,000 retail locations.

Mr. Klein said; “We have partnered with Relationship Exchange to enable our members to have access to over 2 million existing online dating members from sites under their management. This provides Private Date Finder members a huge number of romance partners wherever they live, right from our launch. Sign-up is free and the EverPrivate features are available instantly.” 

(Why let a little thing like being married interfere with your dating?? - EOPC)

YET ANOTHER MATCH.COM HORROR STORY!

By Steve Nolan

(U.K.)  Conman Oluwamayola Ajayi, 31, preyed on four single women on popular dating website Match.com using a series of aliases and outlandish stories to fleece them of their cash.

He even sent email threats, purportedly from a captor, claiming he had been kidnapped and would be killed if a ransom was not paid.

Ajayi, who was nominated for best international act at the 2011 Gospel Music Awards under his stage name MaioJoe, was jailed for conspiracy to defraud at Snaresbrook Crown Court with Judge Sarah Paneth saying that it was clear he intended to defraud his victims 'for much more money' than he did.  He blew all the money on a luxury lifestyle, including a holiday to South Africa.Judge Paneth added: 'This was not money these women had to spare, it was money they needed back urgently. Having spent all of their money you pursued them for more by saying you would be killed if they did not pay.'

The court heard how he gained the women’s trust before persuading them to hand over their savings to fund business enterprises insisting the cash would be repaid.

His victims, who all live in America and Canada, were ‘completely taken in’ by his elaborate lies. They were left humiliated and some were financially ruined by the scam, which ran between November 2009 and August 2010.

One victim handed over more than $125,000 (now £78,662) from her late husband’s life savings and dead mother’s estate, which she had earmarked for retirement.

Another disabled woman from Nova Scotia was duped into giving Ajayi almost $38,000 (£23,913) after he pretended to be Travis David McFly, a United States Airforce pilot serving in Iraq.

Prosecutor Markus Rickard said: ‘He told a story to her about some gold bars he had found and that he wanted to get them out of Iraq so they could secure their financial future. This inevitably led to the woman having supply money via an intermediary in London, to enable the gold bars to be taken from Iraq. She was completely taken in by him and intended to spend the rest of her life with him. At one point, she arranged to meet him at an airport and waited for five hours for him, but he did not turn up. ‘This has left her flat broke and deeply embarrassed.’

Ajayi pocketed around $30,000 (£18,873) from another internet lover, leaving her in financial dire straits.

The singer also posed as a project manager in the oil and gas industry to fleece $7,000 (£4,404) from his final victim, telling her he needed the cash for expenses including a ‘Crude Oil Lifting Licence’.  He told all but one of the women that he was a white widower with children from Britain called Mark West, who was currently living in the US. Ajayi funnelled his ill-gotten gains through false bank accounts, mainly using the fictional identity of Jose Fernando Rodrigues-Guedes.

Mr Rickard added: ‘The defendant systematically and repeatedly misrepresented himself to lonely females using the internet and cheated them out of £120,000 from November 2009 until August 2010.

‘The victims of his deceptions have been left embarrassed and fearful and they have all suffered substantial financial loss or ruin.’

Ajayi was arrested last August at the home he shares with his wife in Chadwell Heath, Essex.

During interview in a prepared statement, he insisted one of his victims was the girlfriend of a friend who owed him money.  He claimed he used an account in the name of Rodrigues-Guedes as he did not have one in his own name.

The computer equipment on which police found scores of emails with money transfers, credit card details, bank statements, personal information and photographs belonged to the ‘real’ Rodrigues-Guedes, Ajayi claimed.

But Rodrigues-Guedes has never been found, prompting police to believe he is simply an identity dreamed up by Ajayi to carry out his con.  Ajayi denied conspiracy to defraud, fraud, concealing criminal property, using criminal property and two counts of possessing articles for use in frauds.  He was unanimously convicted by a jury on all counts after a trial after admitting a single count of possessing a false identity document with intent.

A spokesman for match.com today urged users to follow its safety guidelines when online dating. He said: 'Sadly the tiny minority of people who try to exploit others is not confined to dating sites or even the internet, it’s across all walks of life. We urge our members to follow the safe dating guidance we provide across our site and via email when meeting new people, whether that’s online, through friends or in a bar. Most importantly requests for money or financial assistance are not acceptable. You should never send money to anyone you meet online; just as you would never give money to someone you recently met in a pub or cafe.'

ORIGINAL ARTICLE FOUND HERE

MATCH.com Strikes Again - Woman Raped on First Date

A woman who was brutally beaten and raped on a first date with a man she met on Match.com has testified about how she faced additional humiliation from defense attorneys who tried to use her Google searches as evidence against her.

Jennifer Bennett was 23-years-old when she was attacked in the apartment of Thomas Bray, a 37-year-old anesthesiologist, and she decided to go public following the attack in hopes of encouraging other sexual assault victims to report their attacks.

Though she expected to be questioned by police and interrogated by Bray's prominent attorney, she did not expect that they would try to use her own Google searches against her in an attempt to diminish the seriousness of the attack.

According to The Oregonian, Bray's lawyers ordered Ms Bennett to turn over her Google searches because they wanted to show that around the time of the February 2011 attack, Ms Bennett searched for the definition of rape. Defense attorneys believed that this would help support Bray's story that their sexual was rough but consensual, and Ms Bennett regretted it after the fact so she was looking for a way to argue her way out of it.

Victims advocates, however, decried the move. Meg Garvin, director of the National Crime Victim Law Institute said 'it's subjecting them to re-victimization by the system'. The filing for the search results was the first of its kind in Oregon, and though the both the county judge ruled that the order was justified and the state supreme court ruled that too much time had passed to appeal, the district attorney did not comply with the order.

Google also refused to turn over their user’s information as protected by the federal Electronic Communications Privacy Act unless she agreed, which she did not. In the end, Ms Bennett didn’t turn over her searches or her journals, but the sympathetic judge did not react with a contempt of court charge.‘I chose not to because I didn't think it was fair or correct,’ Ms Bennett told The Oregonian.

Instead of penalizing the victim, the jury sentenced Bray to spend the next 25 years in jail as he was found guilty of rape, sodomy, strangulation and assault.He was also facing charges that stem back to an alleged sexual assault of a prior girlfriend, but her claims were dismissed since the judge found them to be less valid because she continued to date him after the incident took place.

He will also have to pay a $112,000 fine, and $50,000 of that money will go the Ms Bennett, who moved to Oregon just months before the attack after accepting a job as a research chemist at Western Washington University.

Aside from the unusual invasion into Ms Bennett’s privacy, the story of the attack is becoming a disturbingly familiar trend as there have been many instances of sexual assaults during dates that came to fruition via online dating sites.

In Ms Bennett’s case, she met Bray at a drink at a bistro in downtown Bend, and they then went together to Bray’s condo which was directly across the street for a glass of wine.  Very soon after entering the condo, Ms Bennett was beaten, raped, and strangled until she passed out. She said that the abuse took place over the course of several hours.

After reporting the crime to police, she suffered scrutiny from both internet trolls and local news reporters, who published the police report and highlighted her bra size. She has since moved to Seattle.

‘Yes, I was raped. It doesn't make me a bad person. I didn't make poor choices. I was not the criminal,’ she told The Oregonian.  (Bray’s sentencing is) the one nugget that I could hold on to through all of this-- that a dangerous criminal will be off the streets.’

original article found here

ONLINE DATING CAN BE A POOR WAY TO FIND LOVE

 by Key Sun, Ph.D.

Some people believe that recent research on online dating/matching sheds a new light on understanding attraction, love, and romantic relationships. I argue that, however, although the internet has helped few find romantic relationships and marriages, the research has overlooked various defects and problems associated with this type of "contact." I will examine a couple of them.

The research findings can be summarized as followings:

1. Online daters tend to fill in the information gaps with positive qualities in a potential partner; on the other hand, everyone wants to make the self appear as attractive as possible to potential dates by exaggerating the self desirable traits.

2. There are gender differences in both preference and messaging behavior on online dating sites. Women weigh income more than physical characteristics, and men sought physical attractiveness and offered status-related information more than women.

3. The service users preferred similarity on a variety of (mainly demographic) categories (including child preferences, education, and physical features like height, age, race, religion, political views, and smoking).

It is accurate to say that the research findings showed some behavior and attitudes of the online daters who joined the internet community with different motivations, expectations and backgrounds, but it is inaccurate to assume the behavior and attitudes reflect real interpersonal attractions. This is because the online dating/matching (as provided by the commercial websites) lacks the basic ingredients for developing real love. The most evident problem involves its use of several categories (plus a few photos) for the daters to predict and decide the effectiveness and success of their further interactions with one another. This type of artificial "contact" contradicts the process of meaningful interpersonal interactions (to be explained), which generates love and attraction.

To explain the problem, I need to first elucidate the ingredients for love and the meaningful interactions.

The basic ingredients for love
As demonstrated by studies on interpersonal attraction, creating and maintaining love involves validating communications between the partners on a variety of issues, including understanding and concern for the partner's personal and emotional needs, developing companionship, physical attractiveness, cultivating and nurturing physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual well beings, respecting, supporting, forgiving, accepting and encouraging, expressions of appreciation and affection: sexual pleasure and fidelity, commitment, shared activities, as well as the absence of controlling, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, and blaming, among other factors.

To accomplish the above tasks, the partners need to engage in the meaningful interactions (face-to-face interactions, including both verbal and nonverbal communications), which allow one person to give to and receive from the other. (Although online daters may be able to exchange messages after they pass each other's initial screening on the basis of evaluating the category-based information, the process is the opposite of the interaction-based attraction). The meaningful interactions depend on two factors: (1) the right opportunities (the right time, place, persons, and further communications) and, (2) the right mind (absence of biases about the self and others).

The right opportunities are significant. Although psychological research on attraction has identified several variables, such as disclosure reciprocity (revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others), mutual eye gazing, mutual reward, similarity and physical attractiveness, these variables are worthless unless people who possess the attributes and tendencies have the opportunities to implement them to the targets of attraction.

On the other hand, the right mind is more important factor. Why have some individuals who have encountered good opportunities of meeting their ideal mates lost the chances to develop the desired relationships? The answer is that mostly they have the dysfunctional mind, with the emotional baggage of fear, anxiety or other mental conflicts and past hurts in interpersonal situations. They fear experiencing invalidation from the target of attraction because they use superficial categories to define the self and others as well as to predict the effectiveness of their possible relationships, ignoring the affection messages from the real people who are attracted them. All categories are just the maps or substitutes of social reality, not the reality itself. When people use categories to predict an interaction (but not pay attention to the other's real communications, they will produce two outcomes:
a) avoiding love from right individuals, and,
b) approaching the wrong person(s).

This kind of distorted cognitions can only be rectified through the regular and meaningful interactions, which help individuals find out that they are worthy others' love and appreciation.

The problems with online dating
It is clear that online dating has at least two problems. First, it is an opposite of face-to -face interaction. Second, it does not help heal the emotional pains of some online daters. Online dating is a category-based, rather than an interaction-based process. In the category-based process, one uses some concepts to predict both possibilities of acceptance and rejection by the others. It is an artificial type because both rejection and acceptance by the daters are not about the rejection and acceptance of real persons, but of the imagined or perceived attributes of their categories.

People never fall in love with categories (even eHarmony's use of personality traits as the basis of matching does not represent real diverse human experiences and characteristics), because only real interpersonal process can create the feeling of love. Love is created and maintained by the process of meaningful communications (including validating accurate perceptions and invalidating inaccurate perceptions of interpersonal reality). Online dating cannot do so. Additionally, love is highly individualistically based. One loves another person because the Mr. Right or Ms. Right is unique individual in one's eyes.

I make a distinction between online communications and online dating/matching. New computer technology has greatly expanded people's potential and freedom to communicate with one another, some of which may generate love and romantic relationships, but online dating/matching, at least in its current format, has restricted the freedom.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE FOUND HERE

SPOTTING THE INTERNET LIAR

How can you spot a liar online? Some telltale signs of online deception from Cornell professor of Communication -- Jeff Hancock.

LISTEN NOW

The 'E-lationship'

(Sounds like Dan Jacoby, Doug Beckstead, Jeff Dunetz, and Brad Dorsky! using decent women like free cyberwhores, and lying about it! - EOPC)

These suitors aren't interested in a real-life hookup, just the virtual kind
By Diane Mapes

When it comes to online dating, we’ve come to expect deception, the posting of decades-old pictures and blatant lies about marital status, height, hair (or lack thereof). We’ve learned to deal with people who dematerialize after a few days or weeks of steady contact. “It’s the online equivalent of ‘going out for cigarettes,’ ” says one seasoned single.

Now, there’s a new online annoyance — the person who doesn’t want to meet but is all too happy to e-mail, text, tweet, IM, or scrawl on your Facebook wall indefinitely. They don’t want a real relationship as much as its virtual doppelganger.

Welcome to the world of the “elationship.”

“I’ve been involved in five or six of these,” says Rich Giorgi, a 48-year-old tech writer from Carrboro, N.C., who in recent months found a “peach” of a girlfriend and left the online scene. “One woman was always popping up on chat programs — ‘What are you doing? Where you have been?’ This went on for a month and then I proposed we meet. But she was always busy. So I called her on it and? she said, ‘I’m getting what I need out of this. There’s no need to go any further.’ So I cut it off. I didn’t have the time to waste.”

Harem scarem
Why would someone spend all that time communicating with a person they never planned to meet? Giorgi says he thinks some just like to collect “cyber-harems.”

“I have a friend who’s on a dating site and I can see that a lot of the people from the site have started following her on Facebook,” he says. “She has 12 to 15 guys all commenting on her posts and looking to get with her but she’s only interested in the attention. She’s told me plainly that she’s not interested in meeting anybody, she just wants to feel like people want her every now and then.”

Jennifer Worick, author of “The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex,” says people do have different agendas when it comes to dating.

“For me, the end goal is to be in a loving relationship with someone,” she says. “But for others, the end goal might be that they’re passing time, preventing boredom or just collecting men and women.”

Deception — people pretending to be something they’re not (whether it’s single or a certain gender) — can be another reason relationships stay in the virtual realm, says Patricia Wallace, psychologist and senior director of information technology at Johns Hopkins University Center for Talented Youth in Maryland.

Another big factor: fear.

“There’s the fear of failure, the fear of rejection, the fear of making a fool of yourself,” she says. “An online relationship is perceived as being lower risk as compared to meeting in person. When you pick up the phone or meet in person, you have a lot less control over your message and your impression as compared to a Facebook wall post or an IM where you can rewrite and think about what you want to say.”

Having more control means having the ability to create a better version of you, she says, which can then be marketed to a better version of someone else.

“A woman might feel really smart and attractive when she’s online because she comes up with a lot of witty things to say, she controls the pictures that she sends and she meets a man who does the exact same thing,” says Wallace, author of “The Psychology of the Internet.” “They can have a magical interaction — a meeting of the minds, sort of — whereas meeting in person would just spoil it. He stutters; she burps.”

Long-term elationships
Incredibly, some virtual relationships last as long as the real thing.

In 2007, Elaine LaPersonerie, a 33-year-old PR maven from Manhattan, answered a Craigslist ad that kicked off an intense year-long elationship.

“At first, he made all kinds of excuses for not meeting,” she says. “The first date it was the stomach flu and then it was everything from a missed flight to a last-minute meeting to his uncle dying to getting lost to falling asleep.”

LaPersonerie says she knew something was hinky within three weeks, but became intrigued — both with the guy (there was a definite click when they talked on the phone) and with his elusive nature.

“We only corresponded via phone or IM or whatever, but he really knew who I was,” she says. “He got under my skin even though I knew something was wrong. I wanted to figure it out.”

World-class liar
What she eventually figured out was that her online admirer was a world-class liar. Although he told her he lived in New York City and would often reference weather or traffic problems as excuses why he couldn’t connect (“He’d call and say, ‘It’s raining so bad, I can’t get a taxi, things that were relevant to where I was”), he actually lived in London. LaPersonerie also discovered that an “ex-fiance” he frequently mentioned was actually another online girlfriend who, just like her, had never laid eyes on the guy.

After 12 months of e-mails, excuses, lies and late-night phone calls (all on his dime), she finally pulled the plug.

“I confronted him and he admitted he’d lied,” she says. “He said he’d put his ad up on Craigslist as kind of a spoof — he wanted to see what it was about — and never thought anything would come of it. Then he started developing real feelings for me but had spun the web of lies so big, he couldn’t get out of it. But who knows what was going on.”

LaPersonerie says she still hasn’t decided if the guy is a pathological liar or “a regular person that had a bet with a friend,” but there’s no doubt she’s come to appreciate the power of a virtual relationship.

“I’m an attractive, successful woman from a good family with great values and amazing friends,” she says. “I definitely fit into a demographic of someone you would never think could fall victim to this. But I did. And it was easy. With online dating and e-mails and texting, you can take things to a point where you still feel like you are ‘dating’ and getting attention without having to deal with all the rest. In some cases, that fantasy relationship can exist for a long time.”

The power of a pen pal
Even Worick admits she’s had online encounters that have played out like mini-relationships: a bit of flirtation, followed by some miscommunication, followed by a spat, followed by a split.

“With one guy I ‘met’ on Match.com, it was like we were playing out the whole beginning, middle and end of a relationship via text when we’d never even talked on the phone,” she says. “First he e-mails, then he begins texting all day. Then he’s guilting me out for not being available when he calls. Then I don’t hear from him for a week. Then he’s back and wants to know if there’s anything new in my personal life. Then he starts playing the hurt puppy and sending passive-aggressive texts. I finally texted him and said, ‘I think we’re having a miscommunication.’ ”

According to psychologist Patricia Wallace, e-lationships can be troublesome because of the opportunity for deception and the false sense of intimacy (“You don’t have those salient cues that would tell you to put on the brakes so you’re more intimate than you should be.”)

But that doesn’t mean they’re all bad.

“I think for some people, that kind of relationship could be quite fulfilling in itself,” she says. “We’ve always had pen pals. In the old days, they could be very meaningful.”

The key is that both parties need to be on the same page.

“Some people are looking for a spouse, some people are just looking for novelty,” she says. “They never want to meet, or at least one of them doesn’t want to meet. There’s the rub. But it’s not unheard of in the face-to-face world that one party has a longer-time commitment in mind than the other.”

What can singles do to separate the relationship wheat from the casually-minded chaff? Worick points to boundaries.

“It’s good to set up guidelines,” she says. “I think people should cut to the chase and get together as soon as possible. I also think they should communicate their preferences. Say, ‘Look, I would prefer not to text during the day but I’m happy to talk on the phone or get together.’”

Finally, she suggests singles take a long look at their own dating agenda, which can shift over time.

“You have to assess what you want out of it, too,” she says, “There have been times in my life where I’m really busy or not feeling particularly good about myself and texting and IMing is a temporary Band-Aid. It’s not a long-lasting solution, but it can give you a little sparkle temporarily.”

Diane Mapes is a Seattle freelance writer

original article found here

Romantic Deception

Cyberpaths Have Narcissistic Characteristics

(EOPC believes Cyberpaths have both Narcissistic and Sociopathic Characteristics. Many of them probably suffer from either or both Personality Disorders.

Yours does not need to have all these to be Narcissistic. A handful will suffice.)

• Self-centered. His needs are paramount. No one else’s count.
• No remorse for abuse, outbursts, mistakes or misdeeds. EVER.
• Unreliable, undependable. And often proud of it.
• Does not care about the consequences of his actions.
• Projects his faults on to others. High blaming behavior; never his fault. Blame and projection are primary M.O.
• Little if any conscience or ability to empathize with others.
• Insensitive to needs and feelings of others, especially his intimate partner(s).
• Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others. Jekyll/Hyde personality ie: public vs private behavior with partner. OTHERS often believe the front/social “Jekyll” personality and think he’s Mr. Wonderful. This serves to isolate and discredit the victim’s experience so that no one will believe he’s abusive with HER even if she tells them.
• Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage. Explodes when frustrated.
• Tends to humiliate his partner(s) in public or in front of friends/neighbors.
• People are to be manipulated for his needs.
• Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject, blames others/his partner, or gets angry and verbally abusive. It’s NEVER his fault. He’s ALWAYS right – and perfectly innocent if there are any issues. Tries to paint himself as an “innocent bystander” or "the victim" and blames others for the issue.
• Pathological lying – often by omission.
• Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.
• No real values. Mostly situational. Abhors ANY request to change abusive or inconsiderate behavior in the relationship no matter WHAT he does to his partner in any situation. Will say he doesn’t want to follow any “rules” and will accuse his partner of trying to “control” him if she asks for even basic common consideration or respect.
• Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.
• Angry, mercurial, moods, sudden outbursts, that he ‘forgets’ immediately, wants to ignore, or outright denies when confronted with them.
• Uses sex to control – either excessively demanding or withholding, or holds the prospect of sex with other partners over current partner’s head as a control mechanism, manufactures stories about other women who “want” him then accuses his current partner of being “insecure”. Sets her up for abuse in this fashion.
• Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.
• Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.
• Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentments. Continues to abuse partner over resentments indefinitely via hostile remarks, denigrating jokes. Continually either covertly or overtly angry and abusive.
• Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities, both online and off.
• Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason, particularly in his partner’s life and in his relationship with her both public and private – to keep her ‘off balance’. Then he denigrates HER as “unstable”. Sets her up for abuse in this fashion.
• Moody – switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.
• Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations, but expects others to honor theirs if they owe him money.
• Does a lot of “nice things” that his partner didn’t ask him to do then complains that she isn’t appreciative enough afterwards. “The Controlling Caretaker“.
• Seldom expresses appreciation himself. Conversation always based on whether HE gets enough appreciation, the issue of whether his partner is appreciated enough is never discussed. To him, that is irrelevant. It’s all about HIM.
• Constantly criticizing most everything his partner does/says and how / why she does and says it. Partner feels like she’s “walking on eggshells” trying to avoid his constant criticism. She feels “under his microscope” all the time.
• Calls his partner names and insults her: “You’re a spoiled brat!”, “You’re lazy!”, "You're stupid/ a pig/ a whore/ a liar/ a stalker/ a scorned woman/ insane!"
  
• Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he does. HE is NEVER wrong.
• Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his fault.
• Only real emotion he is likely to display is anger. Rarely expresses sorrow or hurt except for “show”.
• He breaks a woman’s spirit. Sets her up for abuse. Defines her according to HIS very negative and preconceived notions about women, then abuses her based on HIS definitions of her. Tears her down as a person. Then complains that she is “depressed” or “angry” about that as if she has no right to be angry or upset that she is being ABUSED and mentally RAPED in this fashion.
• Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.
• Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances. Puts her friends/interests and accomplishments down.
• Highly contradictory.
• Convincing. Must convince people to side with him.
• Hides his real self. Always “on”.
• Kind only if he’s getting from you what he wants.
• He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good. He will do so at all costs.This is paramount.
• He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks. He asserts / states his opinion as FACT, never says “I think”, or “I feel”.
• Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.
• Controls money of others or complains about their spending but spends freely on himself.
• Unilateral condition of, “I’m OK and justified so I don’t need to hear your position or ideas”.
• Always feels misunderstood.
• You feel miserable with this person. He drains you.
• Does not listen because he does not care.
• Only his feelings are discussed, not his partner’s because to him, partner’s feelings are irrelevant.
• Is not interested in problem-solving, only in placing blame/projecting.
• Very good at reading people, only so he can manipulate them.

Written with male in mind; could easily be applied to females as well

original post found here

How Psychopaths View Their World

Most psychopaths are very arrogant and cocky. However, when charming a potential victim, they say all the "right" things and make you believe they are kind-hearted souls; not always, but often enough. The truth is, psychopaths are not altruistic and do not really care about friendships or ties. Guggenbuhl-Craig states that they are very talented at appearing much more humble than the average person, but are hardly so. Some are also able to feign concern about the lower classes and profess that they are on the side of the underdog, the poor, and so forth.


A psychopath may claim, for instance (if he's from a low socio-economic class), that he dislikes rich people intensely, but at the same time, he will inwardly yearn and envy what they have. He is like the narcissist, desiring to reflect a false image of himself through his possessions. Among his possessions are included human beings: girlfriends, wives, and children. Some psychopaths can even very fond of animals (contrary to the common viewpoint), but still view them as objects in relation to themselves.

The psychopath is filled with greed inside, relating to the world through power, even though, as I said, on the outside he can claim to be on the side of the disenfranchised or the downtrodden. I knew one who liked to repeat phrases such as "they have to stop keeping my brothers down" but he didn't mean a word of it. He was actually a racist. The psychopath can also often identify himself as a revolutionary.

On the flip side, the psychopath also often paints a picture of himself as the downcast anti-hero (his "own worst enemy type") and some like to see themselves as lone-wolves. The psychopath may even claim he is sensitive and profound, but inside he is nothing but emptiness and greed. Whether or not the psychopath is aware of his behaviour is something that is often debated. I do believe that psychopaths usually know exactly what they are doing, although others suggest that psychopaths are "born, not made." [1]

As mentioned, psychopaths often claim to settle for second best (being their own worst enemy) and then think they deserve better. This may be manifested in the way they seek power -- either through money (i.e. material goods), manipulation and/or treating people as objects. By enacting such behaviours, the psychopath is also trying to "get back" at society and the world, in order to gain retribution. They will spend their entire lives doing this, whether they are rich or poor, or whatever their social background may be, although studies have shown that they often come from an impoverished or lower socio- economic background and/or social status. (In one of Dr. Donald Black's studies, many of the men were "overwhelmingly white, blue collar, lower middle class, and married, and most had not graduated from high school." [Black, 14]). (Let me add, despite Dr. Blacks' studies, psychopaths can still exist in any social class. Do not be misled).

I also wanted to point out that I will be using "he" and "him" for the term psychopath throughout this website; let it not be forgotten, yes, female psychopaths exist as well; however, according to the Sixth Edition of Abnormal Behavior, printed in 2000 by three male professors, David, Derald, and Stanley Sue, the rates do differ by gender. Included in their excellent text is a report by the The American Psychiatric Association that the general estimate is 3% for men, and less than 1% in women [Personality Disorders and Impulse Control Disorders, 238].

What is very disturbing about psychopaths, besides their sense of special entitlement, is the complete lack of empathy for normal people, for "antisocials (psychopaths) seem to lack a conscience, feeling little or no empathy for the people whose lives they touch...the antisocial effortlessly resists all regulation, unable to see beyond his self-interest or to adopt standards of right versus wrong." [Black, XIII].

Not all psychopath are uneducated low-class misfits. Some of them are quite handsome and have good careers, and use this all the more to their benefit. Take a look at Ted Bundy; my friend's mother once went on a double-date with him and claimed he was the nicest person. His mother said he was the "best son any mother could have." Bundy was also apparently quite good-looking, which made him even more dangerous. So not all psychopaths are derelict, low-class, high school drop-outs, there are many who also work in professional occupations.

Also, not all psychopaths are calm, cool, and collected. Some of them appear strange or odd, and their behaviour can be eccentric or unusual. I believe this is what can confuse victims most often. Psychopaths often appear [see pictures here]: intense and "electrifying". Do not be misled if someone appears harmless, "foolish", or seems offbeat. An "angelic" visage can also often fool people. Just picture John Wayne Gacy in his "clown costume" as he entertained children as one example.

A psychopath (he was diagnosed anti-social) I knew used the harmless cover-up quite well. Everyone thought he was very funny. I did too, at first. Then, little by little, I realised there was something "not right" about him. At first his seemingly harmless pranks were charming, but after a while, he became more of a nuisance and disrupted our work environment, which created havoc and tension between employees. I've learned, a psychopath can use these disguises for his own hidden purpose.

Regardless of race, social class, or occupation, however, the psychopath is dangerous to society, for "the nature of ASP (psychopathy) implies that it wreaks more havoc on society than most other mental illnesses do, since the disorder primarily involves reactions against the social environment that drag other people into its destructive web...The despair and anxiety wrought by antisocials (psychopaths) tragically affects families and communities, leaving deep physical and emotional scars..." [Black, 5].

There is much to the psychopathic personality which is baffling and disturbing. 1 in about 25-30 people are psychopathic (also known as sociopaths or anti-social -- the correct title being psychopath.) Since the majority or them are men, I wrote this site in part, to warn women about the dangers, especially women online, which I believe is a favourite "new medium" which appeals to psychopaths. I have personal experience with this subject as well. This is because "antisocials (psychopaths) are not just characters in our fictional or true-life entertainments. They are family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, or strangers we may encounter every day." [Black, 10].

Pamela Jayne, M.A., writes that "30% of men are sociopathic." If about every three out of ten men I may meet are psychopathic, I would assume this is not something to take lightly. According to these statistics, that would mean every three out of ten men and maybe every one out of ten females. The truth is, we do not really know exactly how many individuals are psychopathic; however, there seems to be a rise in the prevalence of psychopathy and that is why some claim that numbers are higher. Dr. Black claims that psychopathy leads right behind depression, along with schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder, which is an astounding fact.

How to Avoid a Broken (Online) Heart

Here are some red flags that might indicate an online "romance" may be nothing more than an attempt to steal your money:

• You've never met face to face with your online suitor.

• They profess love immediately, often within 24 to 48 hours. They claim fate or God brought you together.

• They quickly use terms of endearment: "sweetie," "hon," "baby, " etc. (they can't remember your real name)

• On a social networking or dating site, their profile photo disappears soon after making contact and they prefer chatting by instant messaging. If they chat with you by webcam, theirs never seems to work.

• Their emails use bad grammar, poor spelling and the pronoun "i" instead of "I." They often misspell the name of their supposed hometown and don't know any local landmarks.

• They misunderstand typical American slang, such as "night owl" or "poker face."

• They quickly send small gifts (teddy bears, chocolate, flowers), often purchased with stolen credit cards or unwittingly by other victims being scammed.

• When asked a question they can't answer, they go offline to look up a response, always claiming they had a phone call or needed a bathroom break.

• They claim to be well-paid professionals in another U.S. city but traveling overseas for work assignments (engineering, mining, solar power, construction, etc.).

• They often say they've lost a spouse, child or other family member in a horrible accident or have seriously ill family members.

• They repeatedly request financial help for varied, urgent reasons: airline tickets to visit you; hospital bills after a car accident; difficulty accessing their bank account while traveling; need for shipping, customs fees, etc. for work assignments; family members require emergency surgery.

• They always have a new story for why repayments don't arrive.

• After an online absence, they call you by a different name, an indication they're working several victims at once.

• If caught in an inconsistency, they always have a cover-up (e.g., someone else used their computer to talk with you) or suggest you don't trust them.

• They insist you keep the relationship secret until they come to live with you.

___________________________

• For victims seeking support, go to www.RomanceScams.org, an online nonprofit started in 2005 to raise awareness and offer peer counseling.

original article here

Another Online "Love" Connection Turns Ugly

By NBC10 Investigators

View more videos at: http://nbcphiladelphia.com.

Kristy Gaffney says she thought she’d found love when she met a man online. Now the Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania woman claims she’s in the battle of her life – fighting for the child they had.

“I thought like he was Mr. Perfect, ha, ha,” Gaffney told NBC10 Investigator Harry Hairston. “There’s no words for it. I’m just so angry at him.”

Gaffney says she met a man who told her he was Ed while surfing a popular dating website. The single mother, who is 29, says at first she was standoffish, but eventually warmed up to meeting him at a public place. Gaffney says that first date was at a restaurant just outside of Philadelphia and it led to many more dates and an intimate relationship.

Gaffney says her new love interest told her he was a businessman, divorced, worked for the C.I.A. and was related to one of the most well-known, wealthiest families in the country.

“He said, ‘My last name is Dupont,’ and I’m like, okay. And I said, ‘related to the Duponts?’ And he said, ‘Yes.’” Gaffney says eventually Ed started talking about wedding bells. “He also was talking about having kids. He said he never could have kids because him and his wife, she couldn’t get pregnant,” Gaffney says.

As their relationship continued, Gaffney got pregnant. She says at first Ed demanded she get an abortion and then changed his mind. After the baby was born, Gaffney says Ed asked her to sign some papers that would ensure he could claim his rights as the baby’s father. Gaffney says although she didn’t understand the paperwork, she signed it anyway and the two shared caring for the baby while Ed rehabbed his home so they could all live together as a family.

One day, Ed didn’t return their child as planned. Instead, Gaffney says he dropped this bombshell:

“That’s when he told me that the paperwork I actually signed was me giving up the rights, not to him to have his rights. It was me giving up my rights so his wife could adopt my baby, and I said, ‘Are you kidding me?’”

As it turned out, Ed wasn’t Ed Dupont. He was Emmitt Dippold, who was still married and he and his wife were in the final stages of adopting the baby.

“I couldn’t even believe that someone was capable of something like that,” Gaffney says. She took Dippold and his wife to court to get the adoption overturned.

We reached out to Dippold at his office and his home for his side of the story, but were not able to speak with him. In court documents, Dippold denied that he ever claimed to be a Dupont and says Gaffney may have assumed that because his email reads ‘ew-dupont.’ Dippold denied that he ever wanted Gaffney to have an abortion and denied that he ever talk about marriage. He said Gaffney should have known all along that he was married because pictures of he and his wife were in plain view the times he and Gaffney were in his home together.

In the end, the Judge believed Gaffney and overturned the adoption based on fraud. But the fight isn’t over because the Dippolds filed an appeal. Dippold’s attorney declined comment for our story, saying it’s inappropriate to talk about pending custody and adoption matters.

original article here

Spotting the Internet Liar

How can you spot a liar online? Some telltale signs of online deception from Cornell professor of Communication -- Jeff Hancock.

LISTEN NOW

Duped on Muslim Matchmaking Site

Every year, according to the New York Times, some 20 million Americans seek love or relationships through matchmaking websites.

Many succeed. You can tailor a search to particular interests, and short-circuit fruitless dates.

But there's also that unknown element about the person one meets in a vacuum, without a community to vouch for him or her. The Dec. 18 Times story told of the dangers of ending up with a sexual predator, a convicted felon or someone who's already married.

Sherri Abdelmawgoud, now of Urbandale, is learning about online matchmaking the hard way. "
The person I thought he was never existed," she said this week of her husband.

Sherri Welch met Ahmed Abdelmawgoud through a dating site two years ago, when she was 28 and he was 26, as she recalls. She was living in Las Vegas, where he said he was visiting a friend, having been in America a few months with plans to get his master's in mechanical engineering.

Her Egyptian Prince Charming was handsome, playful, attentive and won the hearts of all her
relatives. She liked the old-fashioned image he projected — a devout Muslim virgin who didn't
believe in holding hands before marriage. Three months later they wed in a Muslim ceremony in
Texas where Sherri followed her parents to live.

She converted to Islam, and began wearing a head scarf, as some Muslim women do. Ahmed got hired at a computer repair shop and enrolled in a university. "I was blinded by love," she says, "and he was a very charismatic guy. "

Sherri says they were working on starting a family when, back in Texas a month ago, her eyes fell
upon his open e-mails. There were love notes to and from another woman, and something that
looked like a marriage certificate.

It was in Arabic, but had pictures of him and a woman, and fingerprints. When Sherri confronted Ahmed, he shrugged off the other woman as an obsessed ex-girlfriend. Unconvinced, Sherri e-
mailed her.

What she got in return, she says, made her feel "like I died that day." It was a studio photo of a glamorous woman in what looks like a Western bridal gown, stretched out on Sherri's husband's
knee.

Based on subsequent e-mails and instant messages, Sherri says the woman, identified as Dalia, lives in Egypt and told her she's been married to Ahmed five years. Sherri says Ahmed would neither confirm nor deny the marriage when she questioned him, instead packing up all his belongings and saying he was flying to Egypt to be with his dying father. He quit work, missed final exams and drained their bank account, Sherri says.

In a phone interview Tuesday from Texas, Ahmed denied Sherri's allegation that he's married to Dalia, telling me, "I am having problems with my wife ... I will prove to my wife it's not true." Reached in Egypt later, Dalia denied to me that she and Ahmed are married. But Sherri says she found a Facebook page of Dalia's — since removed — naming Ahmed as her husband, with pictures.

The ironies are hard to miss. While Ahmed wanted his American wife to stay home and care for the house, the Egyptian woman is a self-described professional. In the picture she sent Sherri, there was no Muslim head covering, either.

In retrospect, Sherri sees things she might have questioned more. She never met any of Ahmed's friends. She never spoke to his parents in Egypt; he told her they disapproved because she wasn't Egyptian. In June, he left for 40 days, claiming he needed to take his father to Spain for cancer surgery. He rarely contacted Sherri in that period. Dalia told her she was with him in Spain, and that his father never had cancer.

Sherri showed me e-mails sent from Dalia this month. In one, Dalia said Ahmed is with her all the time and denies everything Sherri said. Ahmed called Sherri from Egypt this month and told her he never loved her. "I think he loved me in some way," Sherri says, but wonders. "I don't understand how a person can look at you every day and (act) so sincere. I could never do that to somebody, even if I hated them."

Asked why she thinks Ahmed married her, Sherri shrugs. To get a visa? He did, though it could be revoked if the government finds it was fraudulently obtained. To have someone cook and clean for him? Did he just get lonely? One thing Sherri insists is that his Muslim faith not be blamed.

Sherri turns 30 today, but the big celebration her husband had promised won't take place. She has no income, job or car, and can't afford a divorce lawyer or name change. She fears the Ahmed she didn't know, cries a lot, and wonders how she can trust again.

New York and New Jersey require matchmaker sites to post safety tips. But Sherri already knew to take precautions like meeting in public places.

Her experience is a painful reminder that even with criminal background checks, which all such sites should be required to perform, trust cannot be given unconditionally. The cliche taught to journalists is true for everyone in the Internet age: If your mother says she loves you, check it out.

original article here

Match.com Grifter to be Charged with Grand Larceny

(yet more reasons to NOT USE Online Dating EVER. Sound familiar members? - EOPC)

By ANDREA PEYSER

An East Village, NYC Romeo who passed himself off as a globetrotting NFL exec is accused of ripping off a beautiful, love-struck divorcee to the tune of a quarter-million dollars.

As he allegedly fleeced her and at least one other woman while posing as an accomplished 40-year-old winner, accused con man John Egan was, in reality, a fat, prematurely gray, 32-year-old sports nut and professional loser who lived with his parents on Avenue C, compulsively trolling the Web.

Now, Egan is the subject of a Manhattan District Attorney's Office investigation. The DA plans to seat a grand jury early next month on grand-larceny charges, said a law-enforcement source.

For beautiful Thea Miller, it may be too late. The San Francisco divorcee claims she was financially ruined and emotionally devastated by the beguiling grifter she met online.

"I was naive," Thea admitted.

Over a period of months starting in 2007, Egan is accused of running up Miller's credit-card bill to nearly $250,000, spending tens of thousands on sports tickets, including Mets-vs.-Yankees ducats from Razorgator.com.

He also allegedly bought up more than $80,000 in sports memorabilia, including baseballs, bats and gloves signed by Derek Jeter, a $1,799.99 Michael Jordan Team USA jersey, and a $1,149.99 Tiger Woods photo from the 1997 Masters Tournament, from Steiner Sports.

That's not to mention two diamond rings and a pair of sapphire earrings from Tiffany's, cases of wine and pricey meals.

All of the items were shipped to his parents' address -- with him often paying an extra $25 for rush shipment.

Yet, bizarrely, Miller and Egan never met in the flesh.

For two years, Egan sent e-mails and text messages -- but no photos -- to Miller, sometimes also calling her 10 times a day. He promised to take her to Giants football games and charity events. Each time, he'd abruptly cancel their date, claiming his mother was sick or he had a business emergency.

"He charmed me," said Miller, now 52, who sells high-end real estate. "He said he loved his mother, grew up in a big Catholic family. He was very sweet. I figured I'd meet him when I'd meet him. I wasn't in a hurry.

"I was falling in love."

Now, Miller is paying for it. She has had to sell her house and pull her teenage son from private school to make ends meet. She peddled some valuable antiques and moved into an apartment, struggling to pay off the massive debt she incurred, allegedly thanks to Egan.

Her lawyer, Michael Galluzzi, this year filed a civil lawsuit against Egan in Manhattan Supreme Court. When the defendant failed to show up for his court date, Miller was granted a default judgment of $300,000, plus another $300,000 for future losses. The money remains uncollected.

It all started, innocently enough, with an online ad.

Miller's girlfriends, wanting to help her out after she became single again, put together a profile, then posted it on match.com.

Soon, she was contacted via e-mail by the man she thought she'd been waiting for.

Egan told Miller he was 40, lived in Manhattan and traveled extensively for his job in game-day operations with the NFL. He said he liked older women.

After a while, Egan told Miller he had a problem with his credit card. Saying he was determined to buy a birthday dinner for his mom, Pauline, he allegedly asked Miller for her American Express card number. She gave it to him, but then he called again, allegedly saying some places don't take AmEx; could he have another card?

Trustingly, stupidly, she gave Egan her card numbers, she said. He promised to repay her.

When she got the bills, Miller was floored.

She demanded that Egan repay her, but he just strung her along for months, she said. Via Federal Express, he sent $10,000 in checks, which allegedly bounced. He allegedly gave Tiffany's and Steiner Sports bank-account numbers, which were bogus.

Finally, Miller threatened to call authorities. She said he threatened her back.

"I know where you live," she said he texted. "I know where your snotty-brat kid lives."

"I was devastated," Miller said. "I cried for weeks."

Last week, a man who was identified by Egan's father and a pal as John Egan was outside his parents' Avenue C apartment, driving a BMW registered to his dad, Patrick. The man gave his name as "James."

One pal said Egan got married three or four years ago.

This was a surprise to Yolanda Castaneda, 41, also from San Francisco.

She said she met Egan on match.com, where he claimed to be an agent for the Yankees and Jets, but never met him. He did send her photos -- although they were from 15 years ago, when he was much slimmer and minus the gray hair.

But Castaneda was luckier than Miller.

She quickly got suspicious when she saw Egan was on match.com day and night, and cut him off sooner.

Castaneda won a default 2007 small-claims-court judgment of $6,065 against Egan, after she shipped him wine that he said was for his parents' anniversary party.

Egan did not return cellphone messages. His parents refused comment.

Match.com did not respond to a message.

original article here