INSIDE THE ABUSIVE MIND

"..the narcissistic abuser often picks energetic, loving, successful, passionate people. They seek out in others, what they lack, then begin the process of appropriating what the other has for themselves. In this sense they are true emotional vampires, robbing their victims of their personality, they energy, their passion for life - metaphorically killing them.

Their preferred method though, in the end, is to have the victim self-destruct, allowing them to walk away in triumph seeking sympathy for what they've had to endure with this 'crazy person'."

(edited slightly for cyberpaths)
Abusive people (such as cyberpaths) typically think they are unique, so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. But actually, abusers have a lot in common with one another and share a great many thinking patterns and behaviors.

These may include:

Success Fantasies: The abuser believes in fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful in other terms if only other people weren't holding him back. They're blocking the way makes the abuser feel justified in getting back at them, including through abuse. The abuser also puts other people down as a way of building himself up. Beckstead - prime example!

Blaming: The abuser shifts responsibility for actions to others, which allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for "causing" the behavior. Cyberpath example: "If you wouldn't "tempt me" I wouldn't beg you for intimate photos, cybersex or send you dirty pictures.."

Redefining: The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others or the outside world. Cyberpath example: My wife/ partner doesn't love me; won't have sex with me; makes me feel bad - anyway... so I need to turn to you (and net porn) for relief. My boss stresses me out... so I take it out on you (victim) at the computer.

Making Fools of Others: The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch her reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others. The Cyberpath may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on her good side. (love bombing, coercion, manipulation, brainwashing, anchoring lies)

Assuming: Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. Cyberpath example: "I knew you'd be mad because I didn't come online when you asked, so I figured I might as well stay away for a week..."

Emotional Dependence: Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their partner. The result of their inner rage at being dependent means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness. (If they are having net affairs they may take out their rage on the new victim rather than the spouse - knowing the person they are cheating with has no one to tell without revealing the net affair!)

One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. Another sign of dependence is the effect of what happens when the abused person leaves the relationship because of the abuse. It is common for the abuser to make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.

Lying: The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically. For example: The abuser tries to appear truthful when actually lying, or tries to look deceitful when actually telling the truth.

Rigid Application of Traditional Sex Attitudes: Abusive persons tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of the opposite sex. The man may expect the woman to over fulfill all the household and mothering chores and to be very submissive and subservient.

Drama and Excitement: Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships. They substitute drama and excitement (sex? playing games with people's heads & emotions?) for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics to set up an exciting situation.

Closed Channel: The abusive person does not tell much about personal details and real feelings. The abuser is not open to new information about himself either, such as someone else's thoughts about them personally. The abuser is secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations.

Ownership: The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, the abuser believes that anything that is wanted should be owned, and that the abuser can do as wanted with anything that is his. The same attitude applies to people. It justifies controlling others' behavior, physically hurting them, smearing their character, stalking, hacking their computers and taking things that belong to them.

Poor Anger Management: Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become spouse abusers or abused people themselves. A person who sees violence, even verbal or emotional violence, as the primary method for settling differences as a child is not going to have very many alternate ways available to channel anger. A person without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.

Minimizing: The abuser ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. Cyberpath example: "Everything I said online wasn't that bad", or "You took what I said the wrong way."

Fragmentation: The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, the abuser will seduce and malign people online but not in real life.

The separation is also psychological; for example, it is not uncommon for an abuser to attend church Sunday morning and abuse his victim Sunday night. The abuser sees no inconsistency in this behavior and feels justified in it.

Above the Rules: As mentioned earlier, abusers generally believe they are better than other people and so don't have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate usually believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he is not. An abuser shows above-the-rules thinking in saying, "I don't need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody." (they usually only go to counseling when caught, as a way to say - "I straightened my life out - its ok now", then go RIGHT BACK TO COVERTLY ABUSING)

Self-glorification: The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very virile. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

Inability to express feelings with words: This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable. Particularly when frustrated, the abusive person expects instant gratification from their partner who is expected to "read" their mind and "know" what their mate wants. When the mate doesn't know what is expected the partner may interpret this as meaning they do not really love them. Therefore with an abusive individual, rejection = violence (verbal, physical, emotional). (if they do genuinely express themselves its generally a sarcastic remark, a putdown or anger)

Vagueness: Thinking and speaking vaguely or selectively skewing facts lets the abuser avoid responsibility. Cyberpath Example: "I'm working, I can't chat right now." (Working on OTHER VICTIMS??)

ORIGINAL ARTICLE FROM THIS GREAT SITE

Experts at Brainwashing: Premeditated Mind Control

Are you a caring individual who is in this situation and can’t discover the way out of this emotionally destructive cycle? Your frustration may be caused by the premeditated mind control of a psychopathic companion. (like a cyberpath).

A relationship that is in constant chaos absent explanation is a sign that your companion’s goal might be mind control rather than issue resolution. A relationship that is resolution oriented does not pass through the halls of argument or confusion to reach the goal.

Two individuals, in control of their own minds, civilly express common and uncommon viewpoints, then agree to the best course of action. When an individual desires to control another’s mind, the course is argument with resulting guilt by the one controlled.

Guilt is a powerful tool used by manipulators to control the targeted mind. Love means never having to say you are sorry. This is a profound statement worth noting. The partner that expresses sorrowful guilt is not the one where love should be questioned. Question the receiver that instigates this response.

If you are the target of a manipulator via mind control your appreciation of how their mind works will free you from your guilt and inevitable disaster. For those that are reading this in a state of puzzlement regarding the nature of your relationship, you are not alone. Many relationships live in similar turmoil.

In order to stop this cycle you need to understand why it is happening. When two people meet and build a relationship toward a future together often times each puts their best foot forward to impress the other. This initial impression has the potential to last a lifetime.

A destructive manipulator is no stranger to the importance of this ritual.

During the initial phase in their relationships they are the master of charm. Once this manipulator of the mind feels they have you under their spell, they transform into an evil person. You may exhaustively attempt to change them back to the person you once knew.

You will not succeed. That was an illusion.

Anytime you think or say “[your companion] use to be [such and such]” stop and discover you might be in a relationship with an individual devoid of empathy. EMPATHY is an essential restraint on behavior. It is amazingly potent against those saturated in empathy by those in the absence of empathy.

Your empathy causes your guilt and your manipulative partner’s absence leaves them guiltless. This fundamental difference creates disputes.

The battle for blame is not worth the time and energy expended against an always blameless combatant.

Stop owning what is not yours. If you are dealing with somebody who lives in the absence of empathy, shouldering their guilt is futile. Never, ever feel guilty for another person’s behavior.

If your companion turns their back this is confirmation of their life in the absence of empathy. Their action is not your fault. Do not dwell on your misguided choice. Move forward with the knowledge that you may have escaped the destructive nature of a psychopath.

Serenity exists in a life filled with empathy.

SOURCE FOR THIS AND OTHER GREAT ARTICLES - CLICK HERE

CLICK HERE FOR: The Narcissist Makes Everyone, Including You, Think that You Are the Dependent (Obsessed) One

HOW ABUSERS BRAINWASH THEIR VICTIMS

CHANGING MINDS

SOME OF THE INNER WORKINGS OF A CYBERPATH

(extrapolated from the work of Lundy Bancroft)
- The cyberpath is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision making (such as saying "it's over" and blocking the victim or saying "I will not read anything more she writes or listen to anything more she says"... mostly because the victim is telling the truth!)

- he may make rules for the victim about her movements and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to contact or to see certain friends online or off. He also forbids his friends and family from contacting you by painting a very negative picture of you to them.

- he is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his
abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, he changes times & dates to cover himself, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so

- his public image usually contrasts sharply with the online reality (friends & family are clueless to the image he present to his targets/ victims)

- he is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members, friends or you

- he believes that his needs should be at the center of the target's agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy

- he typically believes that it is his sole prerogative to determine when and how sexual relations will take place, and denies his partner the right to refuse or to initiate sex/ cybersex

- he usually believes that work should be done for him, and that any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special appreciation and deference

- he is highly and often subtly demanding

- he is disrespectful; he considers his targets less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object (because in his mind, she is "just an object")

- he communicates his sense of superiority in various ways

- after a break-up or negative event with the target, the cyberpath sometimes becomes quickly involved with a new partner whom he treats relatively well for a long period of time

- cyberpaths are not out of control, and therefore can be on "good" behavior for extended periods of time - even a few years - if they consider it in their best interest to do so

- the new target may insist, based on her experience with him, that the man is wonderful to her, and that any problems reported from the previous relationship must have been fabricated, or must result from bad relationship dynamics for which the cyberpath and a former target are mutually responsible. The cyberpath can thus use his new partner to create the impression that he is not a risk.

When caught:
- Cyberpaths increasingly use a tactic I call "preemptive strike," where he accuses the target of doing all the things that he has done. (projection)

- he will call his target a "predator too!"

- he was scour the net, her friends, etc for every little tidbit of information - spinning it into a damning web and making it look as if she had done something horrible by stringing together "facts"; this includes going after the target's family, friends, children, coworkers and so on

- he will say things like: "it was just fooling around, nothing serious", "it was all a game", "everyone does it" and "THE TARGET DID IT TOO AND KNEW WHAT THEY WERE GETTING INTO" (this last statement is a blatant lie believed only by the cyberpath & their 'buddies')

- he will say that his victim(s) was harassing him and his friends/family, that she was extremely "controlling" (adopting the language of domestic violence experts; even calling the victim a 'predator, psychopath, cyberpath' and so on), that she's a 'terrorist' or a 'scorned woman' and that she was unfaithful and also at fault. He will accuse her of being a cheater or a sex addict or a harasser herself

- he may go to law enforcement and try to take out protective order against the target or 'report' the target, manipulating everything with 'selective' or 'doctored' information to make it look as if she is the aggressor or abuser

- The cyberpath does the opposite of what they should, according to the situation. They will sometimes use all these concocted lies to cease communication with the traumatized target, never make amends or truly apologize and take any measures they feel necessary to silence their victims so they can target more unsuspecting targets.

- Or if the target tells the cyberpath to 'leave them / and their family alone' the cyberpath will become relentless in harassing their victims, online & off and trying to "tell their truth" (lies & spin) about the situation in a fit of narcissistic rage.

(We have used the male gender, your cyberpath may well be female - EOPC)

Why do YOU Always Have to be Right, Martyr Man?

(this wonderful article can be read in its entirety at THIS SITE. It could be a letter to any of our cyberpaths. We recommend you read the whole thing at the site linked below! - EOPC)

Dear Martyr Man,

You will always be the victim, in every situation where someone tries to get close to you. You cannot relate to women as equals. You look for a strong-willed woman, latch on to her, but envy her strength and ability to express herself openly, so you attack her in vicious little ways. Ways so subtle that you can easily and convincingly deny any wrongdoing and make HER look like the crazy one for even suspecting that you are a passive-aggressive game player.

You played similar games with women before, and this was a chief motivator for their anger and "abuse" towards you. If they struck you physically, that was not right,

but when you paint yourself as a martyr, you *always* fail to mention the emotional and psychological abuse you were inflicting on THEM.

That's right, Martyr. You are an abuser. You. Poor little cringing, eternally victimized you.

"But abusers scream, yell and hit, and I never do that!" you protest. "I'm not that way at all. I don't have the anger gene. I am completely incapable of anger."

What you are incapable of is the truth. But I am capable of the truth and here it is.

You ARE capable of anger. In fact, you are a very angry person, as your father before you must have also been - he is clearly the one upon whom you have modeled your behavior. Like him, you were too intimidated by other people to express your anger openly, so you nursed your rage in secret and struck out instead in subtle little ways. If you were asked to do something, you made sure you "forgot" repeatedly or did a poor job. You no doubt carry this behavior on in your work and it is the reason most of the other employees don't like you. People tend not to like someone who does not do his share of the work and is sullen and resistant to new ideas. They are probably tired of your constant subterfuge and backstabbing. No doubt you also play the divide-and-conquer game, playing people off against one another.

You haven't said much about your mother, but I'll make a few educated guesses. She was a strong-willed woman who dominated you and your father, and you both resented it, but neither of you ever told her so directly. Neither of you had the courage to assert yourselves openly. So you both "got even" with her by lying, false promises, "forgetting" or otherwise sabotaging things she asked you to do, and/or withholding your attention and love.

Your mother was a model for how you view women today. As I have previously said, you go after women with strong, assertive personalities, because they fit your mother's model and because you admire them for the qualities that you yourself lack. However, you also hate them because they are strong and you are weak. Because you cannot assert yourself openly, you play psychological games designed to break them down, subvert their will, and subtly - invisibly - assert YOUR control.

That's right, Martyr Man. You want control. You are not able to control yourself and so you are controlled by others - but you resent it. So you get a feeling of control by manipulating situations with a deft, invisible hand. You "forget" that a woman asked you to do something. You "forget" NOT to do something she finds hurtful or disrespectful.

You remember to do the things YOU enjoy and want to do, and your friends think you're a great guy - the kind of guy who would do anything for his friends! (Of course you would - your reputation depends on maintaining an appearance of kindness and willingness, and anyone who doesn't know you WELL would say what a nice guy you are - you would do anything to maintain that image).... If she does something you REALLY don't like, such as attempt to leave you, you hint around at suicide and disappear, leaving her to agonize for days over your fate. Really, you're off hanging out with your buddies and drinking and having fun, but she doesn't need to know that, does she?

No doubt she has noticed the fact that after your initial, highly romantic and complimentary approach, you do a complete about-face once she's "hooked" - like Jerkily and Hyde. Once she's in a relationship with you, the kind and gentle and loving courtship behavior ceases, and the passive-aggressive battle begins. First, you begin by slowly and subtly creating distance between you - by spending less time with her every day (always her fault, because of something SHE did...) withholding your attention and affection, making sure she gets the message that your friends, your other interests, EVERYTHING else are more important to you than the person you called the love of your life. When she challenges you about this behavior, you deny it, and make her out to be irrational and crazy for even suspecting it. After all, the success of a passive-aggressive campaign depends on secrecy and camouflage.
You lie easily, leaving out little details like a wife you haven't yet legally severed ties to, and children that you almost never see. You haven't got a divorce, and you won't, because even though you hate your wife, you feel chained to her. You are dependent on her. It's a parasitic relationship.... I haven't the faintest doubt you have cheated on her many times and lied to her many times, and that was the real cause of the attack that so wounded you emotionally. You brought it on yourself, but you won't admit that part.

... Yet, you still cling to this desperate delusion that you are incapable of anger.

That's a lie, Mr. Martyr. One of many.

Lies undermine the trust that is vital to all relationships. But you don't care about that as long as you can feel in control. Even when control comes at the expense of love, and that is sad.

Nobody can get close to you, Martyr Man. You'll let them within a certain distance, but then you are frightened by intimacy and of your will being sublimated to another's because deep down inside you know you are not strong enough to assert your own will openly and directly.... You wither under direct confrontation, but when you are able to operate undetected, you are a cruel and effective bully.

Games You Play:

1. The forgetting game:

You are asked to do something you don't want to do. Instead of saying no, you either "forget" about it or sabotage it so badly that the results are useless. You enjoy the frustration this causes others - this is your sneaky way of asserting yourself and controlling the situation from behind the scenes.

2. The withholding game:

Once in a relationship with someone, you begin to selectively withhold your time and affection. The other person senses this pulling away and asks about it. You deny it. But you let them know, indirectly, that many other things are more important to you than they are - your friends, your work, your opera DVDs. You let them know this by leaving their company to pursue these interests without telling them you are doing so. You enjoy the feeling of being in control, knowing you have falsely promised someone your attention later in the evening and knowing you have no intention of fulfilling that promise. You will "forget" to come back, and enjoy your evening alone knowing you are ruining someone else's. When the person confronts you about this treatment, you will act put out at the suggestion that your actions should live up to your words. You just can't remember to keep your promises!

.... You know full well that thist the way you like your partner to feel - that way she will be more dependent on you, desperate for your attention, and under your control.

3. The lying game:

Lies roll smoothly off your tongue whenever you are confronted about your behavior and/or something you failed to mention about your past, such as being currently married and the father of two children (now that is a big thing to "forget", even if you alienated them so badly that they don't want to spend any time with you any more). Lying by omission is lying, pure and simple. But you didn't lie on purpose, you claim. No, you just forgot, or your emotional pain was so great that you just couldn't bear to tell the truth!

4. The deflecting game:

Partner becoming suspicious of your lies? No matter, just deflect the attention! Change the subject, wander off, or start ruthlessly (and falsely) putting yourself down so that she won't have the heart to be "mean" enough to pursue the matter any further. If she persists, then you play:

5. The martyr game:

This is your favorite game of all. This game allows you to escape responsibility for anything and everything by invoking your status as the most misunderstood, mistreated, helpless and victimized martyr who ever walked the earth. Nobody understands you or your pain! Don't they see that being a victim completely justifies the way you turn around and become a victimizer at will? Nobody could ever suspect poor little abused, tormented you of torpedoing relationships.

Nobody could expect such an innocent little lamb of deliberately causing emotional and psychological damage to others. Why, look at the way he cries and curls up into a helpless little ball when confronted (and when the lying and deflecting games don't work)! He could never harm ANYONE.

.... The Martyr has no pity or compassion for anyone else, since he saves it all for himself.

6. The superior game:

Unlike all the other people on Earth, you're incapable of anger. You're a regular Gandhi, full of kindness and respect for all, and it's such a tragedy that other people feel the need to get angry at you. You'd never push someone's buttons until they responded in anger and then deny any wrongdoing, setting them up to look like the emotional, crazy one. You'd never get satisfaction out of a nasty little game like that, because you're too superior. You're also superior to the rest of the world culturally - nobody is as sensitive and artistic as you, and nobody appreciates your kind of music, or appreciates it at such a lofty level. You especially love to pull this routine after you've seriously pissed somebody off. You respond with calm politeness - calm of course, since you have got the angry/upset reaction you were aiming for - and double-whammy the person by showing them how YOU never get angry because you are too superior a person to be capable of anger. ...
No wonder you're so angry at being unmasked publicly. Your games depend on your victim not knowing what's going on.

You are not interested in confronting your problems or getting any help for them. You'd rather just float through life like a spineless jellyfish, stinging anyone who ventures too near. Your behavior patterns are firmly entrenched and you are too old to change.

I have no doubt you will continue this behavior pattern with the next woman you meet, and you will continue it until you drive her away, too. You like to drive women away - like to get them so fed up that they leave. That feeds your sickness in a number of ways:

it takes the burden of decision-making off of YOU;

* it enables you to play the martyr over being left by this cruel, horrible woman;
* it gets you sympathy from your next prospect.

You like hurting other people and you have no intention of changing.

And don't bother with the "I'm a wonderful sensitive human being who would never cause anyone harm; you've misunderstood me". Oh no. I have not. I have understood you at last.

I understand now how you messed with my mind and made me even fear for my own sanity, how you exploited me emotionally, how you hurt me to the point where I actually felt suicidal. (Dorsky, Campbell, Jacoby, Thomas and YidwithLid's targets all mentioned this, readers!)
..... It's called PROJECTION. It's what YOU would do in such a situation, so you project your own screwed up motives onto others.

For someone who is so wounded, so sensitive, so compassionate, so victimized, so gentle - your letters bristle with anger, threats, and nastiness. I thought you were incapable of such things, Gandhi. And you sure are lacking in any compassion at all for the women you've tormented - you have none for your wife and you have none for me. And no doubt you'll have none for your next victim.

You chose your life, and you choose to be this way. You choose it every day. You could change, and learn to be a person of truth, strength and integrity, but you choose not to. It's easier to sit in your shit and cry about how you are victimized while you are busy victimizing others. This is the life you've chosen. You have chosen to be unhappy, and to inflict unhappiness on others.

(While this is written for the male gender, your abuser could be a female martyr. Does this sound like your cyberpath/abuser? - EOPC)

Cyberpaths Have Narcissistic Characteristics

(EOPC believes Cyberpaths have both Narcissistic and Sociopathic Characteristics. Many of them probably suffer from either or both Personality Disorders.

Yours does not need to have all these to be Narcissistic. A handful will suffice.)

• Self-centered. His needs are paramount. No one else’s count.
• No remorse for abuse, outbursts, mistakes or misdeeds. EVER.
• Unreliable, undependable. And often proud of it.
• Does not care about the consequences of his actions.
• Projects his faults on to others. High blaming behavior; never his fault. Blame and projection are primary M.O.
• Little if any conscience or ability to empathize with others.
• Insensitive to needs and feelings of others, especially his intimate partner(s).
• Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others. Jekyll/Hyde personality ie: public vs private behavior with partner. OTHERS often believe the front/social “Jekyll” personality and think he’s Mr. Wonderful. This serves to isolate and discredit the victim’s experience so that no one will believe he’s abusive with HER even if she tells them.
• Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage. Explodes when frustrated.
• Tends to humiliate his partner(s) in public or in front of friends/neighbors.
• People are to be manipulated for his needs.
• Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject, blames others/his partner, or gets angry and verbally abusive. It’s NEVER his fault. He’s ALWAYS right – and perfectly innocent if there are any issues. Tries to paint himself as an “innocent bystander” or "the victim" and blames others for the issue.
• Pathological lying – often by omission.
• Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.
• No real values. Mostly situational. Abhors ANY request to change abusive or inconsiderate behavior in the relationship no matter WHAT he does to his partner in any situation. Will say he doesn’t want to follow any “rules” and will accuse his partner of trying to “control” him if she asks for even basic common consideration or respect.
• Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.
• Angry, mercurial, moods, sudden outbursts, that he ‘forgets’ immediately, wants to ignore, or outright denies when confronted with them.
• Uses sex to control – either excessively demanding or withholding, or holds the prospect of sex with other partners over current partner’s head as a control mechanism, manufactures stories about other women who “want” him then accuses his current partner of being “insecure”. Sets her up for abuse in this fashion.
• Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.
• Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.
• Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentments. Continues to abuse partner over resentments indefinitely via hostile remarks, denigrating jokes. Continually either covertly or overtly angry and abusive.
• Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities, both online and off.
• Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason, particularly in his partner’s life and in his relationship with her both public and private – to keep her ‘off balance’. Then he denigrates HER as “unstable”. Sets her up for abuse in this fashion.
• Moody – switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.
• Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations, but expects others to honor theirs if they owe him money.
• Does a lot of “nice things” that his partner didn’t ask him to do then complains that she isn’t appreciative enough afterwards. “The Controlling Caretaker“.
• Seldom expresses appreciation himself. Conversation always based on whether HE gets enough appreciation, the issue of whether his partner is appreciated enough is never discussed. To him, that is irrelevant. It’s all about HIM.
• Constantly criticizing most everything his partner does/says and how / why she does and says it. Partner feels like she’s “walking on eggshells” trying to avoid his constant criticism. She feels “under his microscope” all the time.
• Calls his partner names and insults her: “You’re a spoiled brat!”, “You’re lazy!”, "You're stupid/ a pig/ a whore/ a liar/ a stalker/ a scorned woman/ insane!"
  
• Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he does. HE is NEVER wrong.
• Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his fault.
• Only real emotion he is likely to display is anger. Rarely expresses sorrow or hurt except for “show”.
• He breaks a woman’s spirit. Sets her up for abuse. Defines her according to HIS very negative and preconceived notions about women, then abuses her based on HIS definitions of her. Tears her down as a person. Then complains that she is “depressed” or “angry” about that as if she has no right to be angry or upset that she is being ABUSED and mentally RAPED in this fashion.
• Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.
• Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances. Puts her friends/interests and accomplishments down.
• Highly contradictory.
• Convincing. Must convince people to side with him.
• Hides his real self. Always “on”.
• Kind only if he’s getting from you what he wants.
• He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good. He will do so at all costs.This is paramount.
• He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks. He asserts / states his opinion as FACT, never says “I think”, or “I feel”.
• Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.
• Controls money of others or complains about their spending but spends freely on himself.
• Unilateral condition of, “I’m OK and justified so I don’t need to hear your position or ideas”.
• Always feels misunderstood.
• You feel miserable with this person. He drains you.
• Does not listen because he does not care.
• Only his feelings are discussed, not his partner’s because to him, partner’s feelings are irrelevant.
• Is not interested in problem-solving, only in placing blame/projecting.
• Very good at reading people, only so he can manipulate them.

Written with male in mind; could easily be applied to females as well

original post found here

Doug Beckstead - More Excuses Than A Disgraced Politician

Let's read some of the wit & charm (and WORD SALAD) in our review of former Predator of the Month, Doug Beckstead. (See if you know an online "friend" like this!)
Beckstead loves bending his targets' ears with his 'tales of woe', his tales of his 'so busy & popular life' (so busy & popular he's online looking for decent women to target), his tales of how he was 'in law enforcement' (rrriiiiigggghhhhttt -- EOPC checked around for information to back this up. NONE WAS THERE. It was a fabrication or embellishment on Beckstead's part).

Doug's just 'so good with his family, friends and life in general' (so good that all EOPC saw was his whining & moaning about how lonely & unfulfilled he was. Including some mean spirited comments about his wife).

Who wouldn't want to be a part of this predator.... er, man's life after the rosy picture he painted of himself ?

He tries to portray a very normal picture of himself, he's "oh so busy" and has "oh so many friends" that want his time & energy. Why he's more popular than the ice cream truck in August isn't he?

Or is he?

One of the targets that contacted us was kind enough to share some of the email Beckstead sent her. (as always our comments are in Dark Blue)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From: "Doug Beckstead"
To: XXXX
Subject: Okay, Here's a Long Answer to Your Long E-Mail

Good afternoon!

Well, this has been a real hectic day and I still feel like I have gotten absolutely nothing accomplished. I am soooooo frustrated with it. On top of all that, this morning I called home and XXX answered the phone "House of Pain. How can we hurt you?" (Cyberpaths get off on hurting people - but look out if you hurt them!)

It caught me totally off guard until she put XXX on the phone and she explained that she had fallen on the ice last night and injured her ankle and leg. She called the doctor this morning and he ordered up some x-rays at the hospital and asked her to bring them over to his office.

Just after lunch I got a call from the doctor (XXX was in the office and I talked to her too). Apparently she's got a sprained ankle and a broken leg!!! It looks like she broke the same bone you did except she broke it at the top of the bone near the knee not at the bottom by the ankle where it is generally broken. So, I'm heading to Anchorage in the morning instead of on Thursday night.

But, in the mean time I am going to answer what I think are your questions in your long e-mail. I printed it out and used my highlighter to make sure that I get what I think are all of the major points answered. If I miss any, please let me know. (And I am going to run the printed copy through the shredder when I'm done so there is no need to worry about someone in the office coming across it or something.) (oh come on Doug!! You will miss anything that's too pointed and asking you for a little honesty, right?)

Okay, here goes .......... (look out... here it comes) First, your comment about feeling like you're walking on eggshells pretty much sums up what's happening with me too. (blame shifting - he's using her and her gut is telling her he's playing her - watch him twist her mind. The targets of his that contacted us - he did the SAME thing with mild variations to each & every one!) For the last several month, it seems that if I don't respond to an e-mail right away, or if something happens that keeps me from getting on the computer when I said I would try to get on, generally results in some sort of angry response coming my way with statements about how I've lied to you or I must have something better to do with my time and have pushed you off to the side. All I am asking for is a bit of compassion here and some understanding that sometimes things get in the way of being able to read e-mails, open e-cards, or meeting on MSN. I realize that it seems like that is happening more and more over the last six months and I agree, it does seem like it has been happening more frequently. But, I do not know why it is, nor do I know what I can do to change it. (Target was walking on eggshells - with a Narcissistic Cyberpath. But notice how Doug does what they all do! Like Hicks, Dunetz/ Yidwithlid, Dorsky, Thomas - they are just ssoooooooo busy - how dare a Target ask for the same amount of consideration they expect from them? Excuses, Excuses, Excuses!!

BUT - if a Target decides they have had enough of it? And they ask Beckstead - or any cyberpath - for the same in return? It's like you asked for their kidney with no anesthesia. The Cyberpath does NOT want his victims to fall too far out of his "control zone." How DARE they ask for accountability from the Predator, like Beckstead! Major Red Flag. He needs them where he can play them like puppets... not somewhere they may get a clue that he's a compulsive liar & user.

Besides Beckstead is an ATTENTION HOG. He doesn't just like attention - HE HAS TO HAVE IT ALL!)

I explained that the e-cards, although I do enjoy them, are something that I cannot open at work. Sometimes they get lost in the shuffle with other e-mails coming in. (The I-Am-Mr. Popular excuse! gag...)

Recently my friend in Washington DC sent me about 50 forwarded news articles from the Washington Post (the local newspaper back there). When he does that, everything gets shuffled down a few pages in my Hotmail box and sometimes things get overlooked. I try to answer all of your e-mails and I try to open all of the e-cards when I get them. If they happen to land in my box before one of his mass mailings, then sometimes I don't think to scroll down the list and back through the pages. Please understand this. I realize that you have taken time to make sure you are on the computer when we are trying to meet up, but sometimes things do happen. There have been times when I've come online and you have not been there and I simply chalk it up to you had something else that took you away and leave it at that. I don't get upset and I sure don't hold it against you. (Of course not! One less Target to juggle for Doug!! Why you'd think he was 007 with all these people who need him! How about - 'I forget when I am cybering with one of the other gals I have on a string telling them "I LOVE YOU & ONLY YOU" too'.)

A prime example is when ******** had her surgery. When I didn't hear from you I just figured, "Okay, things are not going as well as expected and she'll get to me when she can." I knew that it would not do any good to get upset because I had no control over what was happening on your end. (Cyberpaths love to take YOUR personal information and deepest thoughts and turn it on you. But if you do it to them - look out! Incoming!)

Moving on to the next part … I made the comment about being "backed into a corner" because that is the way I've been feeling for a while. No matter how I try and explain the situation, I keep being asked about making plans to come to ********* for a visit. While it is something that I would very much like to do, and something that I have every intention of doing at some point in the future, I cannot commit to coming down by a certain date (month, year, etc.). (oh of COURSE not, why meet someone when toying with her online is so much more fun! Just keep leading her on thinking you are coming to visit her and thank GOODNESS they are either in another country or thousands of miles away, phew!)

As we've talked about before, I am working two jobs in an attempt to make ends meet up here. There isn't disposable income ("at the end of the day" to coin that wonderful **** phrase you use so much) to permit me to lay solid plans for coming down there. There isn't much that I can give up that could go into the bank for such a trip. I'm already cut to the bare bones. If things change in the near future (or the far future) that could very well change and I can come down. But, for now it is something that I cannot promise. The last thing I want to do is to get your hopes up by saying I'll be there and then have you let down because I couldn't do it. (the LAST thing? Notice how GALLANT he is! Sounds like Dunetz/ YidwithLid or Thomas! Couldn't be more full of **** if he tried.)

Again, I'm trying to remain realistic so neither of us gets shot down. (NEITHER? and REALISTIC? Beckstead? LOL!) This does not mean that I have not got the same feelings about you as you do me. Nor does it mean that I do not have the intention of coming down to meet you. I do not think that you are trying to railroad me into any "shotgun wedding" or anything like that, nor do I think you are looking for a meal ticket nor a father for your kids. I have never suspected anything like that on your part. I know you would never think that nor expect that. Granted, there are folks like that on the Internet in the chat sites, but I've sensed all along that you are genuine in what you say. A bit on the timid and secretive side, but honest and genuine at the same time. (he had to get that SECRETIVE dig in, did ya' see that?

But here's PROOF that Beckstead was CONFIRMING (lying) to her, and all of them, that he FELT THE SAME, emotionally - as his prey. Of course now he says they 'misread his intentions' and are 'scorned' - bullpocky! He VALIDATED, ENCOURAGED and INITIATED the online romance.

Of course, that's projection - the secretive one is him. Cyberpaths will say things like this to get YOU to give up your secrets but they have zero intention of giving up theirs. They never tell the truth - even to themselves. Its all a big game to them - while they expect you to believe every word they say as gospel -- or else!)

As for taking the next step in our relationship, I would like for nothing more than to do that. I am just as frustrated as you are, probably even more so because I want to come down south really bad. Again, it's just the reality of the situation that is preventing us from being able to pull it off. Yes, I have pulled back sexually. (pulled back or too many women online? like all narcissists: the truth is - he got BORED) I tried to explain it during our conversation Friday night. It is in part because of my confusion of not knowing what was happening with our relationship, whether it was on or off, and for how long it would be on again before it was off again. And it is also because I have been very tired at times when things got a bit "worked up." Believe me, that is not something that I ever wanted to have to admit to, being too tired for sex! That's something that happens to old people, not me!!! There have been some comments made over the last few months that have really stung me. The comments about "stroking my ego" and how I am "so full of [my]self" really hurt. Those more than anything were like a cold slap in the face. And they've come on more than one occasion several months apart. When I am told things like that, I have to really wonder if that is how you really feel. (awwww Doug, wahhh wahhh wahhh - guilt tripping!)

My statement about sitting back and "patiently waiting" was what I planned to do because I knew that you have been under a lot of stress at home from a variety of fronts. First with ********* surgery, then with the problems with *****, and finally with the anniversary of your mother's death all hitting at the same time. I knew it a long time ago that things would start getting rocky. So, the best way for me to deal with it was going to be to try and remain in the background, offering the support I could, and let you work your way through it. There really wasn't much else that I could do. If I tried responding to your e-mails then I would have just inflamed the situation even more and that would have done no good for anyone. (wow this sounds like Dunetz/ Yidwithlid who ran away when Target #1s estranged husband started hacking her computer and found out about him. And then Target #1 was being seriously abused BECAUSE OF HIM and needs his support - he says: "its best if I leave"...

And Hicks with his "its for the best" -- Best for WHO, guys?)

It was a big relief to me when you called. I had planned on letting it go for a couple of days then either calling you or writing you. (sssuuuurrreeee you did) I just didn't want to push. I am not an aggressive type of guy when it comes to relationships. (why should he be when the internet provides endless supply) I've learned over the years that it doesn't do any good and in fact can really cause some permanent damage if I do start acting that way. (you've already done permanent damage, you predator) So, that's what you get with me. Yes I still want you in my life. I don't understand why you would ask something like that in the first place. I don't know what I can realistically do to make it any more clear to you. I do love you and I do care greatly for you and your kids. (And, as I said before, I don't think you are looking for a meal ticket or anything like that – but if I could, I'd be proud to serve as a surrogate father for your kids too!) Perhaps things have dropped down a rung or two but there is no reason why they cannot climb right back up. But, the way I feel about you has not changed. (Doug doesn't want to lose any one of his "toys" er.... online girlfriends)

After the holidays, after I get back from Anchorage, I'll try to make more time to talk with you between jobs and on my day off. But, I do not want, nor do I expect you to make any changes in your life to accommodate me. I realize you want to and you are willing to do so, but as I said at the outset, there are times when things come up and our lives just take us to other places for the time being. And sometimes our families need time with us too.

One good thing is that I am still looking for a new place to live. That will make it a lot easier for talking on the phone, etc. as well because I will have my own place, my own phone and my own connection to the Internet without having anyone else muddling around with it. (muddling? another excuse?)

A friend of mine in the office is moving to Anchorage in March and I'm already talking with him about possibly renting his cabin after he's gone. I have to get over and see it, and talk with the landlord, etc. about a couple of things I'd like to try and do (like installing a shower for one!). But if that works out, then it will be a really good deal for me. Not only will I have my own place, but it also has a wonderful view from what XXX has said. In the mean time, he's going to Belize for six weeks as a graduation present for himself (he just finished his Master's degree).

I know some of this is not what you want to hear, but I'm trying to be totally honest with you here. (only liars use phrases like "I am being totally honest" or "this is a true story" or "I am not lying to you" -- its an NLP imbedded command to get you to believe them!) I don't want to make any promises that I might not be able to keep. I don't want to set you up for more hurt. (because then you might get wise to me) You mean as much to me as anyone else in the world (even my kids) and that is a whole lot. (rrrriiiiigggghhhtttt. Again, setting this particular Target up for guilt for ever doubting him!) I don't want anything to change between us, but I do hope that you understand where I am coming from with all of this. In the mean time, I think I'd better wrap up here and get ready to head over to my other job. I decided to stay at the office today and put in some more time so I could leave early on Thursday. But now since I have to leave tomorrow it really doesn't matter anymore anyway.

At least it gave me the time to sit down, uninterrupted, and answer your e-mail. I will try and check my e-mail when I get home tonight. But, I also have to get packed and everything to head south in the morning. And, I hope to get a good night's sleep in the meantime. The roads are pretty icy so I need my wits about me. I'll send you a note when I get down there (but it might not be until Thursday (your Friday)). I'll let you know what happens.

I love you and you are a big part of my life. I don't want that to change. (because if I give you too much space, breathing room and time to THINK - you might have enough time to see what a sociopathic tale-teller I am)

Love, Doug

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
perhaps it is because he has stopped to fix
something with duct tape.

— Henry David Thorough

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OOO Aren't we oh so profound? and humorous?


Here's an earlier one from the most honest man in Alaska!

From: "Doug Beckstead"
To: XXX
Subject: RE: Status

Hi!

I got your e-mails from today. It is not me that is cold, heartless and turning my back on you. (blame shifting, guilting -- in one short sentence! .... sound familiar readers?)

That is something that you have created in your mind. (and now GASLIGHTING)

I have been subjected to insults, called a liar, and every other name in the book over and over by you. All for no reason whatsoever. As for why things can't go back to where they were before, well, read the fourth sentence again. (all for no reason? according to who? Notice how he doesn't even try to apologize!! just talks about his anger and his hurt feelings)

I got your e-mail last night but did not respond because my body is trying to adapt to the change in my blood pressure medication. It's causing some really weird side-effects. On the up side, it's dropped my bp by 30 to 40 points. On the down side it looks like I'm probably not drinking enough fluid right now so I have to increase that to get back on an even keel. (sympathy ploy - another big one with Cyberpaths and other men who have online or offline affairs. THEY are sick, the wife/ kids are sick... not ONE word about the Target's state of mind! There's that cyberpath's zero empathy effect!!)

Things are very hectic here with the full house. XXX and XXX are heading home on Saturday morning. I'm not looking forward to their leaving. I'm having a really good time with them.
(whoa, Beckstead went from indignant -- to wanting sympathy for his health -- to how busy he is. Notice how he's training this Target to feel guilty for questioning him & to just DROP it whenever he seems like he might just pull away. It's: All Doug All The Time!)

Hugs,
Doug
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dolor temporarius.
Gloria aeterna.
Cicatrices virginibus placent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yet another missive from Beckstead

From: "Doug Beckstead"
To: XXX
Subject: HI!!!

Hi there!

I'm sorry I dropped off the face of the earth! The Internet in our dorms/hotel has been down for the last six days! It has been soooooo frustrating not to be able to check our e-mail. But, it looks like it's back up now. (anyone else seeing a pattern of excuses? Doug seems to be just loaded with them. Martyr Man)

In the event that you're checking your mail now, I just wanted to send off a quick note while I run downstairs and put my laundry in the machine. I'm hoping to get it done early tonight. (don't forget about me because I need to not give you time to breathe and realize I am messing with your mind! I need to reel you back in! Get you back in my CONTROL ZONE)

Love and hugs!
Doug

PS: I see that there are a few e-mails (and cards) from you. I just want to get this on its way before I look at those.
(How about "I already looked at them - They were good! I may cut, paste and use them to send along to my other targets.... er friends..."?)

For those of you who've read this site for a while - Doug's a real classic - This probably all sounds sickeningly familiar.

Beckstead remained demanding and belligerent of his targets time, yet when the shoe was on the other foot? Nothing. He gave back nothing in return other than grief! Even when his targets figure him out and make it clear to him to "STAY AWAY"? Beckstead's reaction: he claimed to be "amused." (misogynistic reaction) Then he just carries on with the projection and blame shifting. Beckstead accepts NO, ZERO responsibility what-so-ever. (none of them ever do.) A clear sign of mental pathology!

DOUG BECKSTEAD - A TEXTBOOK CASE OF CYBERPATHY

At their core - most Cyberpaths are Narcissistic and/or Sociopathic types. Here's some input from other victims who posted to WikiAnswers on Narcissistic types - see how much fits our review of Predator: Doug Beckstead! (as always EOPC's comments are in dark blue)

* They are the biggest liars you've ever seen. They will look you right in your eyes, swear on a stack of bibles and tell you the biggest lie you've ever heard. They will say they're not going to do something, while plotting to do just what they say they wouldn't do. They're very out of touch with their feelings. They talk just to hear themselves talk - while not believing anything they're trying to convince you of.

* It will become obvious very soon: an over-inflated ego. Astonishing lies.

* A narcissist is, at first glance, a friendly, real person. This is the narcissist's bait. The person lures people in, only to control them, in any shape or form. You will not recognize this, but as time progresses, you will feel guilty. The most important thing to recognize is that you need to live your own life and not be controlled by a narcissist. They steal your relationships with people and haunt your feelings. They are a very special, wicked breed of people, who get away with what they do. My advice: be careful with who you meet; don't be misled.

* They will relate to the problems in your life, claiming that something very similar has happened to them. They make it sound like they and they alone truly understand and relate to you. They get you to share very personal things and make you feel like you've found someone who has been through what you have been through. And it's very comforting.

* It is difficult at first since they try to charm. Some traits: They have no real sense of humor; They manipulate and control; They talk but only to hear themselves; dominate conversations; They try to give people their opinions; They love attention; They are cheap.

* I am always surprised at their ability to brainwash people:

Everything they say is exaggeration, deception or lie.

Everyone word out of their mouth is 1) self praise or, 2)cut someone or some group down.

Biggest clue is that when they get done talking to you, you are left with a negative impression of someone, but the narcissist never came right out and said anything directly. They may have make snippy remarks or caustic comments about someone they say they know - but of course they will make sure you never interact with this person to find out for yourself!

* Narcissists are by definition liars. They appear to be something they are not. They seem educated, confidant, charming, and social. They are master manipulators and total control freaks. They have no emotions and are void of empathy. They feel for no one but themselves.

They are a bottomless pit that is never satisfied. They are incapable of giving and receieving true love.

They think they are better than everyone else, always right and never wrong, and their way is always the best way to do anything. They love attention.

They think only of themselves, but make you believe they are thinking of your best interests.

Their time is precious to them and you do not deserve any of their time unless it is to their benefit.

You exist solely to please them. To them, you are less than human, you are not worthy of their mere presence.

* Constant talking and praising while putting others down. They always know more about any topic than you do, and when they are unfamliar with the topic insists on immediately changing the topic.

Forgets their friends and families birthdays, and doesn't care about it; while at the same time expecting huge parties and lavish gifts for their own birthday.

Lies easily, and with such ease that it is difficult to detect, since it is so common.

Always wants more from you; you could never give enough.

Competes with people on every dimension; if you are sick, you should feel sorry for THEM since they feel bad that you are sick.

Never goes out of their way for anyone, even a dying "best" friend.

Thinks he is entitled to everything in the world; does not expect to earn anything.

He dominates (or tries to) any social gathering.

He sees himself as extremely talented and extraordinarily bright, more than most of the world.

No empathy with other people.

* Unfortunately you dont really detect anything until they have made sure your hooked. But I can list the most obvious traits I had in my nightmarish experience:

1. Will lie blatantly

2. Will lie about who they are, what they do, and even what they had for breakfast if they feel like it.

3. It's all about them and their problems and their needs all the time, if you try to tell them about you....disinterest will appear, and they lead it back to them.

4. Your emotions and feelings and needs mean nothing...you are only there for their needs...end of story.

5.Their moods and emotions are extreme...and one night they can be crying and sobbing and (sucking you dry for support) and the next day they havnt a worry in the world.

6. They will push, beg and cajole push for what they want until you succumb to their wishes or needs regardless of how you feel about it. (even saying "I love you" to get something they want out of you)

7. They have to be with people - can't be alone. They will keep partners with them with begging and lies while carrying on affairs with a number of other people.

8. They are never at fault, and even if they say it once or twice that they are...its only words to make them seem more human.

9. When they find other better fresher supplies of attention...you will become non-existant, until they may need you again one day when they may just rear their heads again and try and suck you back in.

10. They will be nice as pie to your face and turn around and tell the next person they see that you mean nothing to them.

11. They are master manipulators and use any information they have on you to control you and get them what they want.

12. Their emotions are shallow and have no meaning and everyone in their lives are nothing but a source of attention.

13. They say things that are so out there that you think they are from another planet.

With all this in mind, here's more from Beckstead's Targets and more blather from Beckstead:

Doug had just IM'd for the first time in a long time and towards the end he dropped the bombshell about moving back home to Anchorage for good. (He probably already HAD moved back for good - unless maybe he was always there)

There had been no prior warning or mention of a new job. We were left stunned and did not know how to respond to him after that. It was one of the rare occasions that he ever apologised.

(But notice he apologizes but still tries to make them feel guilty for being upset with him! They all do this in one way or another. For example - Dunetz/ Yidwithlid had the bad taste to tell one of his Targets ALLLL about having 'marital relations' with his wife. When this Target told him that was inappropriate and "too much information" -- Dunetz/ YidwithLid's response? "But you told me to work on my marriage!" [note how this predator confused "SEX" with "WORKING ON HIS MARRIAGE"]

Has yours ever done the "YOU said we should see other people?" or "I have a real life, you know" just to blame shift to you -- AFTER LETTING YOU KNOW THEY WANT YOU AROUND 24/7? Suddenly YOU'RE the obsessed one? We know different!)

At the end, the cad expected to keep everything the same, regardless of returning home to his wife, which says a lot about his character. This was the man that had said his "marriage was a marriage in name only". It was a marriage that he had originally hidden and after everything else he had said, he did this. (wow what a guy! Got to feel sorry for the wife and all his other targets. Amazing how all cyberpaths somehow twist their ethics & morality to suit their needs. Actions over Words, every time)

FYI - Doug Beckstead's "children" are 23 (married) and 24.

The last paragraphs where he mentions getting his own place, he did and it never changed a thing. Except the distance between us grew greater, he had even less time to talk, chat. We barely got to speak to one another, it was worse than before, when he had house mates. (he got bored with you and probably had other targets going - typical narcissist/cyberpath)

We know now that was because xxx must have lived there for some time. According to zabasearch she did. And the second job was dropped well before the move to his own place, he neglected to tell us about that too, it was only after he slipped and was going out to "fix" a lot of things for ladies that needed his help and he was playing darts more frequently that I found out. (He was already doing these things well before he said or mentioned them - its part of the degrade & devalue process meant to hurt you. They love for you to be the one to leave the relationship so they can play victim ["she left me and it really hurt"] with a new target all over again.)

There were so many discrepancies to his stories. At the end of the day we never truly knew what was fact and what was fiction, as far as he was concerned. (Cyberpaths are notoriously incongruent with time, place & history. They love to bend time and lie. We never can tell what is real with them and sadly enough - neither do they)

From: "Doug Beckstead" <>
Subject: I'm Sorry
Date: Sat, 15 Jul 2006 17:44:48 -0800

It looks like you're upset with me again. I do not want to hurt you. (Yes you do - in fact you probably get off on knowing you upset someone) I was hoping that you would be happy for me to finally be able to spend some time with my family rather than only over an occasional weekend. (there's that blame shifting again!)

I did not want to keep the news from you. And I did not tell you earlier because I did not want to burden you with extra problems while you were going through exams. (but I just couldn't wait to drop this bomb and further trauma bond you to me and my sick web of online mind games)

Why did you just drop offline? It made me feel really bad. (boo hoo... don't like it when its done to you, do you Doug? YOU should be the one doing that and controlling everything, right?)

Because I am going home does not change anything between us, at least not on my end it doesn't. (Because I am an amoral mind-game player who sees every woman as a potential whore for me and my massive ego - online or off)

love and hugs! (barf)

Doug

I found this email from Doug from 2004. (we can all fill in the blanks here) This is when things started happening and questions needed answering. (uh oh!) It took a long while to get these answers out of him. (took him a while to think them up, too)

Again he talks around things, this is where the accusations of "name calling" (he accused me of, first stemmed from). Again it was not name calling on our part just a distinct notice at the down turn in his attention and his list of excuses. You will notice how he starts to turn the blame in on us. (if you have read our other stories - they all do this. PROJECTION and BLAME-SHIFTING)

From this email and from other Targets onwards he accused us all of "angry responses", when it was nothing but pure frustration at having to wait for answers that seemed deliberately delayed on his end. (With any cyberpath, they believe that they are entitled to their anger but no one is entitled to be angry at them for any reason. Its part of their sickness)

None of us ever expected him to answer my emails straight away or answer them/open them at work as he has accused all of us. However, we did not expect to have wait for days on end, and have to keep asking the same questions to get an honest answer. (more blame-shifting; and you'd be waiting for a snowstorm in hell for an honest answer from a cyberpath)

Towards the end, last year I stopped writing as much and then he would ask me if "everything was alright", totally omitting the problem at hand. (Yes! Ed Hicks, Brad Dorsky, Gridney/ Yidwithlid, all did this when they didn't have their targets at their beck and call - but heaven forbid you ask THEM for accountability! They change the subject and never really answer the question - ON PURPOSE!)

As it turned out Beckstead's daughter's husband XXXX was jailed for 'malingering' in a Ketchican barracks (he was training to be a coast guard). XXXXX, Doug's son was going to Idaho to be with the mother of his child. (loads of 'responsible' people in the family we see... nod, wink)

Now the daughter and her husband live at home with them in Anchorage as does the son XXXXX, minus the son's girlfriend and baby. Doug wants them all under the same roof together, he has to have control of everything. (CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL & controlling the chaos too!)

It is a pity he could not have lived with them and been the father to them he should have been when they were growing up. (Maybe they learned their irresponsibility from him! - and can you imagine Beckstead giving up being the center of attention to a child? Besides, he wasn't much a man and couldn't possibly have been much of a father when he's out chasing his ego) Beckstead had probably planned everything out well in advance about moving back home, he truly thought that we'd all just carry on in the background to be picked up and dropped again at his whim. (they all do... you are just a mouse click when needed in their eyes)

In the past if any of us would try to back out, but he became a bad habit that was hard to break. (addiction is more like it with these guys and they brainwash you very thoroughly) He had worked hard to become first and foremost each of our closest friends. (exactly what he wanted) However, when things went wrong we were his favorite scapegoats! -- depending on which of us he was working over most at the time anything happened. (scapegoat? yes... textbook narcissistic cyberpath behavior)

We all asked ourselves why he had to turn so nasty and why he could not just be straight with any of us. (Because he's mentally ill - probably some Cluster B Personality Disorder would be our guess) He would lie and expect all to be forgiven, that we should be happy for him, never mind that he had put all of us on an emotional roller coasters. (if you read the other exposures - they ALL are like this - you aren't alone. Dorksy and Rodger turned their Targets into nervous wrecks, Dunetz/ YidwithLid sent Target #1 into the hospital a number of times - and Target #2 into a mental health hospital. Capers, Hicks, Jacoby, Bish, Thomas and Barber drove their Targets into intensive therapy and even bankruptcy. Some targets even contemplated suicide.)

Beckstead says "he valued our relationship" one of us received an ecard very similar about two weeks before that last nasty email he sent to me. A person who valued anyone so much would not have treated his family or us in the way he has. He obviously had no respect for any of us. (nope he didn't. None of them do. He probably picked up the verbiage from another card or something he read or heard on TV. If you read Hicks, Dunetz/ Yidwithlid, Jacoby and Thomas - they all talk about their 'oh-so-deep feelings' for you... their feelings are actually about as deep as a puddle; if they have any at all.)

From: "Doug Beckstead"
Subject: Good Evenin'
Date: Fri, 28 Jul 2006 21:32:08 -0800

Hi!

I just got home. I needed a little "unwind" time so I stopped down at the XXXXXX for a couple of drinks -- and spent some of the time texting XXX and XXXXX. Friday evenings are usually a lot of fun because the "regulars" are down there after work. Have you ever seen the tv show "CHEERS"? The XXXXX is a lot like the Fairbanks version of the bar in the show. The regulars are just that, regulars. And everybody eventually gets to know everybodies names and you never know when someone else is going to be buying a drink for you -- but it is expected that you will return the favor, if not that evening then on another. It's a real friendly bar. And XXX, the owner, treats our XXX team really well too so I like to patronize his place.

Now, to get to your questions ... as for my comment about ("You know when you said "you don't know what is going to happen", what did you mean by that exactly? Do you still hope that we will meet, and get to do everything we have spoken of? Do you still hold that true?") What I meant by that is that I don't have a crystal ball that holds all the answers for me. I cannot predict what may happen next month let alone next year or five years down the road. However, that does not mean that I want, or expect, anything to change between you and I. I value our relationship very, very much. (also word salad here! Beckstead didn't want to lose his cybertoy but that was all they'd would ever be. Also by keeping them reeled in - he was making sure none of them would tell on him, either)

It was hard not getting messages from you over the last week and I was really happy to get the ones that explained what was happening. I hope more than anything that some day we will eventually be able to meet, in person. (The ones that do meet you? Will stiff you with the bill, too)

Beyond that, I don't know what will happen. So, we just have to keep the good thoughts going. (hahahaha) I have not been trying to "pull back" or anything like that. ("you caught me! oh crap!") That's why I made the comment about staying in the background. I would much rather be out "front and center" but if things happen, just remember, I'll always be back there and will respond to your questions, e-mails, etc. ("when I feel like it - because its all about ME ME ME")

As for the questions about "where does my new job leave us," well, as far as I'm concerned we're still going to be able to e-mail, talk on occasion, and send packages back and forth. If I find out that something was sent and wasn't received, then there will be hell to pay for it, especially if it doesn't show up within a reasonable length of time. We'll be able to talk from time to time as well, just like we do now. I don't expect anything to change. (that last line is VERY TELLING)

But, be prepared that when I get deployed there may be long periods of time when you won't hear from me. I don't know what the e-mail situation will be from wherever I could end up. I think I explained to you that I could go to Baghdad or Afghanistan for as long as four months every two years. It's all part of my job. But, I will let you know about anything that comes up well in advance. I think they've got a rotation schedule so I'll know well in advance when I'm going and to where. It will be just like when I go out to the Yukon now and can't plug my computer into a spruce tree to send e-mails. (this is such a load of sympathy provoking B.S. we won't even bother to try to dissect it because its too funny the way it is)

The three trips I mentioned that I have coming up over the next two months before I head south are next week (beginning tomorrow morning) to Anchorage. I'll be checking my e-mail from there. Then the week after, I'll leave on Friday to fly out to Eagle, take a boat down the Yukon on Saturday to Coal Creek for a "dedication" on Sunday, back to Eagle on Monday via boat, and then spend Tuesday in Eagle doing research (actually I plan on relaxing and enjoying some time on the river -- very little work related) and fly back to Fairbanks on Wednesday. (Mr. Popular aren't you Beckstead?)

Then, the last trip will begin on August XXth (or sooner if they finish the first half of their mission first) I will be going out to the B-24 with the team from JPAC to recover the remains of the pilot. I got word today that I will be accompanying the team for the mission. I'm really psyched about that. The mission plans are to be onsite for two weeks (until September XXth). I think we'll find what we're looking for a lot sooner and might be out earlier than planned, but who knows what may happen. So, that will be the end of my "bush time" with the NPS. (and yet another project I can attach my name to so it will be more attention for DOUG BECKSTEAD - MR. WONDERFUL!)

Well, my back is really sore tonight. I think I should close this epistle and go stretch out on the couch for a while. (LOL!!! What a picture!!) I'm hoping to get up really early tomorrow and heading south.

There is also a big gun show going on in Anchorage this weekend that I would like to go see. It's where a lot of people are selling guns, parts of guns, accessories for guns, and other outdoor related things. I'll bet **** would have a blast at it! There is one up here in Fairbanks twice a year, but for the most part, there isn't much to it and everyone has things overpriced by at least 50%. I like to go to pick up an occasional accessory (ammo boxes, etc) but I rarely buy anything. I've seen a couple of guns that I would have liked to have picked up (bought) but didn't have the money at the time. Mostly I go to look to see if something strikes my fancy. (guns? no comment...!)

love and hugs! (notice how its no longer "I love you" - its more impersonal... did yours do this to you readers?)

Doug
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dolor temporarius.
Gloria aeterna.
Cicatrices virginibus placent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From: "Doug Beckstead"
Subject: Tonight
Date: Sun, 24 Sep 2006 20:34:05 -0800

Hi!

Well, this birthday/going away party really s*cked the big one. I got to XXX and there was virtually no one there. Tthe bartender who usually works on Sundays was sitting at the bar and someone else was working for her. She's the one who supposedly put the whole "party" together. She said that something came up and everything got changed. She left within an hour of my getting there. (oops Doug - now you see how very 'important' you aren't! LOL)

So, I sat there at the bar and got drunk. Well, almost. I have a bottle of Shiraz wine in the fridge that I plan on eliminating tonight. That's after I have my dinner of a can of chili heated in the microwave instead of the barbequed ribs that we were supposed to have. Yeah, I'll get drunk sitting in my little apartment, all by myself. Some birthday and going away, eh? (boo hoo... karma can be bad when you have inflicted emotional pain and psychological torture on others)

Friends, eh? Yup, you can always count on them. (just look in the mirror, Beckstead and see what a FRIEND you have been... not)

I hope you and ********* had a good time shopping and doing your "girlie stuff." (giving her GUILT!! oh he's really sickening...)

Love and hugs!

Doug
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dolor temporarius.
Gloria aeterna.
Cicatrices virginibus placent.

By now it was all about Beckstead 'normalizing his abuse.' The covert 'game over' 'I have had my fun with you, but surely you must realize that we have "become too close." (how about "I got bored and found new prey") He even said on one forum about all his Targets that: "this was just a game after-all" (AFTER THE FACT & WHAT HE'D DONE TO ME AND MY FAMILY). Beckstead dropped this bomb-shell, but expected us all to be just "friends".

His later emails would concern stories of dinner with the family - normal family, husband and wife stuff - let the good times roll. A complete turn around leaving each of us dumbfounded. Remember this was the "ill wife", the "down-trodden, frumpy, non-sexual wife", who NEVER EVEN existed back in the beginning. And the family he swore "did not care about him." Now it was all rosy and normal. (This is as cruel and heartless as it gets - after they malign the family/ wife/ partner to you - say you are their "one & only" and then it's family time for them and you are dumped like trash. And if you say 'ouch' they are all over you for HURTING them or their family. Truly depraved Beckstead. They want to use you like some free online porn girl then send you pictures of the wife and kids. WTF?! )

HERE'S THE BOOK THAT BECKSTEAD SENT AS A "PERSONAL GIFT" TO ALL HIS TARGETS