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Saturday, July 07, 2012

SOME OF THE INNER WORKINGS OF A CYBERPATH



(extrapolated from the work of Lundy Bancroft)

- The cyberpath is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision making (such as saying "it's over" and blocking the victim or saying "I will not read anything more she writes or listen to anything more she says"... mostly because the victim is telling the truth!)

- he may make rules for the victim about her movements and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to contact or to see certain friends online or off. He also forbids his friends and family from contacting you by painting a very negative picture of you to them.

- he is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his
abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, he changes times & dates to cover himself, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so

- his public image usually contrasts sharply with the online reality (friends & family are clueless to the image he present to his targets/ victims)

- he is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members, friends or you

- he believes that his needs should be at the center of the target's agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy

- he typically believes that it is his sole prerogative to determine when and how sexual relations will take place, and denies his partner the right to refuse or to initiate sex/ cybersex

- he usually believes that work should be done for him, and that any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special appreciation and deference

- he is highly and often subtly demanding

- he is disrespectful; he considers his targets less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object (because in his mind, she is "just an object")

- he communicates his sense of superiority in various ways

- after a break-up or negative event with the target, the cyberpath sometimes becomes quickly involved with a new partner whom he treats relatively well for a long period of time

- cyberpaths are not out of control, and therefore can be on "good" behavior for extended periods of time - even a few years - if they consider it in their best interest to do so

- the new target may insist, based on her experience with him, that the man is wonderful to her, and that any problems reported from the previous relationship must have been fabricated, or must result from bad relationship dynamics for which the cyberpath and a former target are mutually responsible. The cyberpath can thus use his new partner to create the impression that he is not a risk.


When caught:
- Cyberpaths increasingly use a tactic I call "preemptive strike," where he accuses the target of doing all the things that he has done. (projection)

- he will call his target a "predator too!"


- he was scour the net, her friends, etc for every little tidbit of information - spinning it into a damning web and making it look as if she had done something horrible by stringing together "facts"; this includes going after the target's family, friends, children, coworkers and so on

- he will say things like: "it was just fooling around, nothing serious", "it was all a game", "everyone does it" and "THE TARGET DID IT TOO AND KNEW WHAT THEY WERE GETTING INTO" (this last statement is a blatant lie believed only by the cyberpath & their 'buddies')

- he will say that his victim(s) was harassing him and his friends/family, that she was extremely "controlling" (adopting the language of domestic violence experts; even calling the victim a 'predator, psychopath, cyberpath' and so on), that she's a 'terrorist' or a 'scorned woman' and that she was unfaithful and also at fault. He will accuse her of being a cheater or a sex addict or a harasser herself

- he may go to law enforcement and try to take out protective order against the target or 'report' the target, manipulating everything with 'selective' or 'doctored' information to make it look as if she is the aggressor or abuser

- The cyberpath does the opposite of what they should, according to the situation. They will sometimes use all these concocted lies to cease communication with the traumatized target, never make amends or truly apologize and take any measures they feel necessary to silence their victims so they can target more unsuspecting targets.

- Or if the target tells the cyberpath to 'leave them / and their family alone
' the cyberpath will become relentless in harassing their victims, online & off and trying to "tell their truth" (lies & spin) about the situation in a fit of narcissistic rage.

(We have used the male gender, your cyberpath may well be female - EOPC)

5 comments:

Archana Shekar said...

Good info. Always makes me think is this happens.It makes me aware and even the readers about the cyber crimes.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I totally related the information here. This is exactly how it was for me in my relationship with Glenn Capers, a cyberpath recently profiled here on this site. It made me feel sick to read this initially but realize that none of what happened was my fault. He accused me of being a sex addict (!!), a woman scorned, totally lost, and anything else to bounce the blame onto me. He never said he was sorry for hurting me even though he could see the pain I was in...

Anonymous said...

thank you. very helpful article. i'm extremely grateful for this site overall. it's good to have some orientation when things get turned so upside down.

Jacksta said...

This is so tiring. I have been going through just about all of what has been described here. I have had to leave a online forum, block the individual from Facebook, change my email, change my home phone and cell phone and ban this person from a group that I am creator and Admin for. Block IP from my Blog and so on. From what I understand he still posts rants about me on his Facebook. - I am really uncomfortable that he sends my friends private messages asking about me.. "have they seen me, can they see my wall on Facebook etc., then go on to try and tell them how horrible I am, blah blah..." Even more frustrating is that some of my friends just don't get it- think he is charming and smart.- Before I blocked every thing, changed numbers etc. he was calling me first thing in the morning, late at night. When he could not message me anymore online he started sending text message to my Google Voice number.

A real pain in the ass. I have a feeling it won't stop, and if it does it just temporary. This is so bad that I do not want to speak with certain friends now that stay in contact with him.

Thanks for all the info

Anonymous said...

It's amazing how perfectly this article fits the description of my past tormentor. I know this man well. Great article. It helps so much for those victims who are trudging through the healing process. It's a very long road, but today, thanks to this article, I have taken one more step. Thank you.