Tuesday, September 11, 2012


"..the narcissistic abuser often picks energetic, loving, successful, passionate people. They seek out in others, what they lack, then begin the process of appropriating what the other has for themselves. In this sense they are true emotional vampires, robbing their victims of their personality, they energy, their passion for life - metaphorically killing them.

Their preferred method though, in the end, is to have the victim self-destruct, allowing them to walk away in triumph seeking sympathy for what they've had to endure with this 'crazy person'."

(edited slightly for cyberpaths)
Abusive people (such as cyberpaths) typically think they are unique, so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. But actually, abusers have a lot in common with one another and share a great many thinking patterns and behaviors.

These may include:

Success Fantasies: The abuser believes in fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful in other terms if only other people weren't holding him back. They're blocking the way makes the abuser feel justified in getting back at them, including through abuse. The abuser also puts other people down as a way of building himself up. Beckstead - prime example!

Blaming: The abuser shifts responsibility for actions to others, which allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for "causing" the behavior. Cyberpath example: "If you wouldn't "tempt me" I wouldn't beg you for intimate photos, cybersex or send you dirty pictures.."

Redefining: The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others or the outside world. Cyberpath example: My wife/ partner doesn't love me; won't have sex with me; makes me feel bad - anyway... so I need to turn to you (and net porn) for relief. My boss stresses me out... so I take it out on you (victim) at the computer.

Making Fools of Others: The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch her reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others. The Cyberpath may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on her good side. (love bombing, coercion, manipulation, brainwashing, anchoring lies)

Assuming: Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. Cyberpath example: "I knew you'd be mad because I didn't come online when you asked, so I figured I might as well stay away for a week..."

Emotional Dependence: Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their partner. The result of their inner rage at being dependent means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness. (If they are having net affairs they may take out their rage on the new victim rather than the spouse - knowing the person they are cheating with has no one to tell without revealing the net affair!)

One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. Another sign of dependence is the effect of what happens when the abused person leaves the relationship because of the abuse. It is common for the abuser to make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.

Lying: The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically. For example: The abuser tries to appear truthful when actually lying, or tries to look deceitful when actually telling the truth.

Rigid Application of Traditional Sex Attitudes: Abusive persons tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of the opposite sex. The man may expect the woman to over fulfill all the household and mothering chores and to be very submissive and subservient.

Drama and Excitement: Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships. They substitute drama and excitement (sex? playing games with people's heads & emotions?) for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics to set up an exciting situation.

Closed Channel: The abusive person does not tell much about personal details and real feelings. The abuser is not open to new information about himself either, such as someone else's thoughts about them personally. The abuser is secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations.

Ownership: The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, the abuser believes that anything that is wanted should be owned, and that the abuser can do as wanted with anything that is his. The same attitude applies to people. It justifies controlling others' behavior, physically hurting them, smearing their character, stalking, hacking their computers and taking things that belong to them.

Poor Anger Management: Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become spouse abusers or abused people themselves. A person who sees violence, even verbal or emotional violence, as the primary method for settling differences as a child is not going to have very many alternate ways available to channel anger. A person without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.

Minimizing: The abuser ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. Cyberpath example: "Everything I said online wasn't that bad", or "You took what I said the wrong way."

Fragmentation: The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, the abuser will seduce and malign people online but not in real life.

The separation is also psychological; for example, it is not uncommon for an abuser to attend church Sunday morning and abuse his victim Sunday night. The abuser sees no inconsistency in this behavior and feels justified in it.

Above the Rules: As mentioned earlier, abusers generally believe they are better than other people and so don't have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate usually believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he is not. An abuser shows above-the-rules thinking in saying, "I don't need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody." (they usually only go to counseling when caught, as a way to say - "I straightened my life out - its ok now", then go RIGHT BACK TO COVERTLY ABUSING)

Self-glorification: The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very virile. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

Inability to express feelings with words: This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable. Particularly when frustrated, the abusive person expects instant gratification from their partner who is expected to "read" their mind and "know" what their mate wants. When the mate doesn't know what is expected the partner may interpret this as meaning they do not really love them. Therefore with an abusive individual, rejection = violence (verbal, physical, emotional). (if they do genuinely express themselves its generally a sarcastic remark, a putdown or anger)

Vagueness: Thinking and speaking vaguely or selectively skewing facts lets the abuser avoid responsibility. Cyberpath Example: "I'm working, I can't chat right now." (Working on OTHER VICTIMS??)



seethelight2009 said...

Great blog. I really appreciate all the info.

hesitant said...

Eerie, creepy, and weird: EVERY passage from that post describes a certain loser I have been trying to work out of my existence for a couple years now, except for the fact that the guy is not a computer user and is very vocal about (supposedly) detesting porn. The passages about the entitlement, jealousy, superiority & self aggrandizing are the creepiest, because that's the guy! I only realized the depths of his issues after stumbling upon this blog back in the spring and learning that there are actually names for the things he does. Like manipulation, projection, the marvelous CHAOS MANUFACTURE (of which he is the undisputed king!) and now fragmentation.

Just about a month ago I had the displeasure of spending a few brief minutes in his presence and had a terrifying experience when the guy flipped out over my casually referencing somebody else as "the smartest person I know". It was a harmless, off the cuff, partly tongue in cheek comment made about the most insignificant of matters, so insignificant that I don't even remember how we got on the subject. But I will never forget the outcome.

You would have thought I'd spat in the guy's face. He became hostile and aggressive within the span of a single breath, was on his feet jabbing his fingers in my face, his own face a contorted beet red mass of hysteria and the veins popping in his neck: In 20 years I have never seen him like that, ever. At first I thought he was joking around, especially when he informed me that he'd "been tested for IQ three times and each time the score was 215, which is way above genius, so don't give me any of this smartest person you know crap". I haven't heard anyone talk like that since the fifth grade.

The scary part is that he wasn't joking or kidding, the guy was dead serious and kept repeating "I take this as a personal insult, and expect an apology ... No, no, I take this as a personal insult, and expect an apology" while looking up at the ceiling and gesturing with his hands. I sat there thinking, what the hell is going on here? Nobody can be this childish, especially in their late 40s to mid 50s (nobody has ever known how old he really is for as long as I have known him). I tried to defuse the situation with humor and was treated to an insult laden diatribe about how he was easily the most intelligent, well-read, resourceful, compelling, hard working, and capable person I have ever met in my pretty much useless life. Which he pointed out meant even my father, every teacher or boss I'd ever had, and all of my friends, unless they could produce a notarized IQ test with a score of 216 or higher.

Is that even possible? More to the point, WHO WOULD CARE ABOUT SUCH A THING?? Thoroughly humiliated and concerned about my personal safety I apologized, thanked him for setting me straight on the matter, and got the f***ing hell out of there. Then two weeks later we crossed paths at the grocery store and he acted like it had never even happened & wanted to go get coffe, his treat. Hello????

Have been ignoring his calls since and am considering getting my number changed, and am using the garage to keep the car from being seen in the driveway when home. Aside from the lack of a porn addiction and computers that above article is a totally accurate rundown of how the guy operates, right down to isolating his assorted targets so we can't compare notes. Sent chills down my spine to read it over, want to learn more and am completely creeped out. This is someone I have known for 20 years (we used to be co-workers), he knows everything about me and is a predator extraordinaire. Only now do I see it for what it really is and am enacting measures to sever all avoidable contact. THANK YOU!!

Anonymous said...

16 of these have defined Capers to a T. I would add a trait of emulating others to this listing. Due to the cyberpathing, the amount of people engaged at once, along with the stories, its as if the person becomes them and loses any sense of self. There were so many red flags and hindsight shows that the stories I was told were not that of the perpetrator, but the stories were those of the other victims.