Saturday, June 30, 2012
FROM: THE ART OF SEDUCTION
by Robert Greene, published by Viking Books, 2001
1. The Reformed Rake or Siren: People of this type were once happy-go-lucky seducers who had their way with the opposite sex. But the day came when they were forced to give this up — someone corralled them into a relationship, they were encountering too much social hostility, they were getting older and decided to settle down . . . These types are ripe for the picking: all that is required is that you cross their path and offer them the opportunity to resume their rakish or siren ways . . .
2. The Disappointed Dreamer: As children, these types probably spent a lot of time alone. To entertain themselves they developed a powerful fantasy life, fed by books and films and other kinds of popular culture. And as they get older, it becomes increasingly difficult to reconcile their fantasy life with reality, and so they are often disappointed by what they get . . . These types make for excellent and satisfying victims . . . All you need do is disguise some of your less than exalted qualities and give them a part of their dream . . .
3. The Pampered Royal: These people were the classic spoiled children. All of their wants and desires were met by an adoring parent — endless entertainments, a parade of toys, whatever kept them happy for a day or two . . . what the Pampered Prince or Princess is really looking for is one person, that parental figure, who will give them the spoiling they crave. To seduce this type, be ready to provide a lot of distraction — new places to visit, novel experiences, color, spectacle. You will have to maintain an air of mystery, continually surprising your target with a new side to your character. Variety is the key . . .
4. The New Prude: The New Prude is excessively concerned with standards of goodness, fairness, political sensitivity, tastefulness, etc. What marks the New Prude, though, as well as the old one, is that deep down they are actually excited and intrigued by guilty, transgressive pleasures — once you open them up, and get them to let go of their correctness, they are flooded with feelings and energies. They may even overwhelm you. Perhaps they are in a relationship with someone as drab as they themselves seem to be — do not be put off . . .
5. The Crushed Star: We all want attention, we all want to shine, but with most of us these desires are fleeting and easily quieted. The problem with Crushed Stars is that at one point in their lives they did find themselves the center of attention — perhaps they were beautiful or charming, perhaps they were athletes, or had some other talent — but those days are gone . . . Seducing this type is simple: just make them the center of attention . . . The reward of seducing Crushed Stars is that you stir up powerful emotions. They will feel intensely grateful to you for letting them shine. To whatever extent they had felt crushed and bottled up, the easing of that pain releases intensity and passion, all directed at you. They will fall in madly in love . . .
6. The Novice: What separates Novices from ordinary innocent young people is that they are fatally curious . . . Seducing a Novice is easy. To do it well, however, requires a bit of art. Novices are interested in people with experience, particularly people with a touch of corruption and evil. Make that touch too strong, though, and it will intimidate and frighten them. What works best with a Novice is a mix of qualities . . . They are easily misled by these tactics, since they lack the experience to see through them . . . mix innocence and corruption and you will fascinate them . . .
7. The Conqueror: These types have an unusual amount of energy, which they find difficult to control. They are always on the prowl for people to conquer, obstacles to surmount . . . In matters of romance, the worst thing you can do with them is lie down and make yourself easy prey; they may take advantage of your weakness, but they will quickly discard you and leave you the worse for wear. You want to give Conquerors a chance to be aggressive, to overcome some resistance or obstacle, before letting them think they have overwhelmed you . . .
8. The Exotic Fetishist: Most of us are excited and intrigued by the exotic. What separates Exotic Fetishists from the rest of us is the degree of this interest, which seems to govern all their choices in life. In truth they feel empty inside, and have a strong dose of self-loathing . . . Clearly the way to seduce them is to position yourself as exotic . . . Exaggerate a little and they will imagine the rest, since such types tend to be self-deluders. Exotic Fetishists, however, do not make particularly good victims. Whatever exoticism you have will soon seem banal to them, and they will want something else . . .
9. The Drama Queen: Most often, Drama Queens (and there are plenty of men in this category) enjoy playing the victim. They want something to complain about, they want pain. Pain is a source of pleasure for them. With this type, you have to be willing and able to give them the mental rough treatment they desire. That is the only way to seduce them in a deep manner . . . At the extreme, they can be hopelessly selfish and anti-seductive, but most of them are relatively harmless and will make fine victims if you can live with the sturm und drang . . .
10. The Professor: These types cannot get out of the trap of analyzing and criticizing everything that crosses their path. Their minds are overdeveloped and overstimulated. Even when they talk about love or sex, it is with great thought and analysis . . . Make them feel like Don Juans or Sirens, to even the slightest degree, and they are your slaves. Many of them have a masochistic streak that will come out once you stir their dormant senses. You are offering an escape from the mind, so make it as complete as possible: if you have intellectual tendencies yourself, hide them . . .
11. The Beauty: From early on in life, the Beauty is gazed at by others. Their desire to look at her is the source of her power, but also the source of much unhappiness . . . Most important in this seduction is to validate those parts of the Beauty that no one else appreciates — her intelligence (generally higher than people imagine), her skills, her character. Of course you must worship her body — you cannot stir up any insecurities in the one area in which she knows her strength, and the strength on which she most depends — but you also must worship her mind and soul . . .
12. The Aging Baby: Some people refuse to grow up. Perhaps they are afraid of death, or of growing old; perhaps they are passionately attached to the life they led as children . . . If you desire to seduce this type, you must be prepared to be the responsible, staid one. That may be a strange way of seducing, but in this case it works . . . Aging Babies can be amusing for a while, but, like all children, they are often potently narcissistic. This limits the pleasure you can have with them. You should see them as short-term amusements, or temporary outlets for your frustrated parental instincts . . .
13. The Rescuer: . . . Rescuers usually have complicated motives: they often have sensitive natures, and truly want to help. At the same time, solving people's problems gives them a kind of power they relish — it makes them feel in control . . . If you are a woman, play the damsel in distress, giving a man the chance so many men long for — to act the knight. If you are a man, play the boy who cannot deal with this harsh world; a female Rescuer will envelop you in maternal attention, gaining for herself the added satisfaction of feeling more powerful and in control than a man. An air of sadness will draw either gender in . . .
14. The Roué: . . . These types have lived the good life and experienced many pleasures. They probably have, or once had, a good deal of money to finance their hedonistic lives. Roués are consummate seducers, but there is one type that can easily seduce them — the young and the innocent . . . If you should want to seduce them, you will probably have to be somewhat young, and to have retained at least the appearance of innocence . . .
15. The Idol Worshiper: Everyone feels an inner lack, but Idol Worshipers have a bigger emptiness than most people . . . The way to seduce these types is to simply become their object of worship, to take the place of the cause or religion to which they are so dedicated . . . With this type you have to hide your flaws, or at least to give them a saintly sheen. Be banal and Idol Worshippers will pass you by. But mirror the qualities they aspire to themselves and they will slowly transfer their adoration to you. Keep everything on an elevated plane — let romance and religion flow into one . . .
16. The Sensualist: What marks these types is not their love of pleasure but their overactive senses . . . The key to seducing them is to aim for their senses, to take them to beautiful places, pay attention to detail, envelop them in spectacle, and of course use plenty of physical lures . . . That is how Cleopatra worked on Mark Antony, an inveterate sensualist . . .
17. The Lonely Leader: . . . Lonely Leaders long to be seduced, to have someone break through their isolation and overwhelm them. The problem is that most people are too intimidated to try, or use the kind of tactics — flattery, charm — that they see through and despise. To seduce such types, it is better to act like their equal or even their superior — the kind of treatment they never get. If you are blunt with them you will seem genuine, and they will be touched — you care enough to be honest, even perhaps at some risk. (Being blunt with the powerful can be dangerous . . . )
18. The Floating Gender: All of us have a mix of the masculine and the feminine in our characters, but most of us learn to develop and exhibit the socially acceptable side while repressing the other. People of the Floating Gender type feel that the separation of the sexes into such distinct genders is a burden . . . What Floating Gender types are really looking for is another person of uncertain gender, their counterpart from the opposite sex . . . If you are not of the Floating Gender, leave this type alone. You will only inhibit them and create more discomfort . . .
Friday, June 29, 2012
Good article on Online Dating, online relationships and objectification. - EOPC
by Jennifer Stull
The human race is lazy. If everything is not right there at our fingertips in this technologically-run world then we want nothing to do with it and cast it aside. Does this pathetic lifestyle work when it comes to dating? Some of you may be thinking, "How can dating have anything to do with technology other than finding a date on a website?" Well, go figure, some creepy organization created the "Red Light Center," which is online dating, but taken to the literal level.
The Red Light Center describes itself by saying, "The downturn of the economy is affecting Americans all over the country. Skyrocketing gas and food prices has lead many Americans to stay in and 'party' in virtual worlds, such as Red Light Center, that let you date, socialize and partake in risqué activities without even leaving your house. Red Light Center has seen a 400% traffic increase since last year, with users totaling more than 2 million."
The idea is that you, as a member of the Red Light Center, make an avatar that represents who you are, find another avatar that seems compatible, and then go on a cyber date. Has society really reached this low of a social level where we do not even go out with real people in the real world?
Is it really more preferable to sit behind the security blanket of a computer screen and hope that the other pathetic dateless fool on the other side might be attracted to your avatar?
That is sick!
Technology has obviously ruined all intimacy within society. At this rate we might as well date, get married, and live our lives over the computer so that we may all turn into mind-numbed, fat, technology-run robots. Where is the human connection in this? Where is the spark between two people? It is impossible to make a real connection with a computer cartoon over computer dinner and computer sex. This is no way to live. The excuse that dating is too expensive and that it saves time and money to go on dates online is a cop out. Meeting another human being for coffee will cost no more than seven dollars and meeting someone in general for conversation is absolutely free.
If this is what the human race is moving towards then I am ashamed. I feel as if the only thing technology could not take away from us is the ability to interact, to look someone in the eye and really hear what he or she is saying. But, if every ounce of human interaction can be done over a computer screen then the line between reality and fantasy will become more and more blurred. Yes, I will admit I do spend a lot of time on Facebook, e-mail, and other various online activities, but I would trade all of that for a day out, face-to-face with my friends. We cannot be dependent on technology to guide us through life, because when a human being and an avatar begin to represent the same thing, social customs as we know them could disappear forever.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
By Lesley-ann Jones
Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells is not amused - and in this case it is no mere figure of speech.
Sitting at home in the Regency spa town famous for its Jaeger-clad Hyacinths and Daphnes, Caroline Gates-Fleming can only laugh at the irony. ‘I am one of them, really,’ she says, dabbing gingerly at the tender scars of a recent facelift.
Caroline Gates-Fleming at her home in Tunbridge Wells. 'Things like this don't happen to women like me."
‘Middle-class, middle-aged, respectable. I was brought up nicely and married well. Our boys went to public school. But after what I’ve been through, I know they’d find me unacceptable around here. Things like this don’t happen to women like me.’
She has a point. For in Caroline’s case, ‘things like this’ means dabbling in fraud and embracing folly on such an epic scale that even her close family struggles to comprehend. ‘Everyone asks how could I have been so stupid,’ she sighs. ‘I got more than I bargained for.’
How could she fall in love with a foreigner on the internet and then, despite his many and obvious lies, entrust him with £40,000, money she will never see again?
In fairness, Caroline, now 54, has the honesty and intelligence to talk about her motives and the loneliness which is at the root of her current predicament. Similar to many women of her age, with two failed marriages behind her, she badly wanted the comfort of a relationship.
‘What woman doesn’t worry about growing older?’ she asks. ‘It’s not just about looks. Confidence evaporates. Builders no longer wolf-whistle. When you have always attracted men, invisibility hits hard. It’s in the genes: my late mother Pauline was always glamorous. I won’t even pop to the shops without full make-up.’
As a young woman, Caroline had worked as a jobbing stage actress and dancer, and all that theatrical attention, she admits, had made her rather vain. Later in life, she turned her hand to property development, buying, renovating and selling cottages with some success. ‘Coming to terms with ageing is my problem. I need reassurance from a man,’ she says. ‘I was unhappy alone, and shattered by having brought up three boys. ‘Marcus, my first husband and father of Piers, my eldest [now 24], was long gone. Peter, my second husband, father of Rupert and Theo [19 and 18] had little to do with us.’
Craving a fresh start, in 2002 she moved to Marbella in Spain, where, rather romantically, she thought she might meet a new partner. ‘I still craved that special someone to say, “Want a cup of tea? Let’s have a cuddle,” ’ she says. ‘It is not about sex, but togetherness.’
But she never really settled and returned to Britain after four years, depression having kicked in, and in need of a job. If glamour has always been a watchword for Caroline, she was still not too proud to take on ‘unattractive’ jobs and found work as a full-time carer for people with learning disabilities. Her stores of confidence, though, were dwindling. ‘I was still alone, still desperately unhappy,’ she says. ‘I wanted to be flattered and taken out. But it’s so much harder to meet men when you are older. My girlfriends were all married. I had to do something. I’m not the kind to wait for things to happen. They say you learn from your mistakes, but I’ve made the same mistakes with the same kind of men my entire life.’
So when, in August last year, Caroline came across Match.com, a high-profile dating website, the temptation to sign up was overwhelming. It felt safe and respectable, she says, and, after all, ‘you had to pay’ to join. At first she was conservative, making sure her meetings took place in coffee bars during the daytime, but she soon found that her ‘dates’ were on the cautious side, too. ‘There was never that spark,’ she explains, flicking at the pink tips of her bleached blonde crop. ‘I began to find men my age too old for me. I don’t feel like a woman in her 50s. I fight it. I’ve had a gastric band and a facelift.’
Then she came across a man she calls Sab, who seemed so very different from the run-of-the-mill men she had been meeting. ‘Of course, his name is really Steve,’ she says, of the man she now understands is a Nigerian called Stephen Ehiamhen. ‘I call him Sab because, when he first advertised on the site, he called himself Sabastine Roland. He used a fake picture and posed as a Greek, claiming to be an entrepreneur in Nigeria.’
Caroline accepts that even the earliest signs were dubious.
‘He was vague about his age,’ she says. ‘First it was 47, then 37. He told me that when he applied for a visa to travel to South Africa, he had been advised to say 27 so that he could make out he was a student going to the World Cup. ‘After two emails, he phoned. I knew the moment I heard him that he wasn’t Greek.’
In fact, while ‘Sab’s’ English was limited, he most certainly did not speak the language of Sophocles, preferring a version of pidgin laced with dialect and slang that is widely spoken in Nigeria. ‘I challenged him about it but he laughed,’ says Caroline. For all his obvious lies, she found him attractive. ‘We messaged and emailed every day.
'He soon said he was falling in love with me and I began to feel the same. I found it hard to explain to my sons that I was falling for someone I’d never met. Strangely, though, you communicate at a very intense level when it’s not face-to-face. Sab is a direct, articulate person. He said he goes to church every Sunday and that his faith is strong. He said we were fated to meet. When he first emailed that he loved me, a month after our initial encounter, I wrote, “Don’t go there.” I was terrified of the intensity of my feelings towards him.’
Caroline was well aware that much of ‘Sab’s’ story was invented, yet it was only after two months of passionate conversation that the two of them spoke seriously about his identity. ‘He confessed he was not who he’d said he was, that he couldn’t do it to me any more, that he “hadn’t planned on the emotion”, as he put it.’ He had to come clean. Hearing that he was really a black Nigerian came as no shock - his pidgin English and African-style dialect had given Caroline a major clue. She says: ‘He said he was desperate to do something with his life, that he’d been looking for money to get into oil.’
At this point, she explains, her story took a darker turn, one very much at odds with the image of respectability so carefully nurtured by Royal Tunbridge Wells, a town that has not so far made its money through black-market oil deals on the coast of West Africa.
By this stage, the alarm bells should have been head-splittingly loud, yet somehow Caroline managed to ignore them. It’s big business in Nigeria,’ she says, now shocked by the sheer madness of the scheme he was proposing. We fell into each other’s arms. We kissed, we sobbed. I had never been so happy since giving birth to my first child.'
He explained how easy it is for gangs to tap the vast network of oil pipelines coming ashore from the wells on the Niger delta. It is known as ‘bunkering’. Armed with basic engineering skills - and guns - they drill into the network, fix their own lines, hidden from view beneath the water, then watch while a waiting barge is filled with stolen crude. ‘They get an agent, siphon oil, barrel it, store and then freight it by tanker at an appropriate time,’ she says.
‘I was under no illusion. It was obviously illegal. I’m not proud that I was tempted. Perhaps his assurance that he could make around £1.25million overnight was what convinced me.’ And, then, as she says: ‘Love changes everything. We seemed to have so much in common. We were both risk-takers. More importantly, he seemed so much stronger than me. I’d never had that. ‘Both my ex-husbands were weak, which was perhaps why those marriages didn’t last.’
Foolishly, as she now admits, Caroline had told Sab that her mother had recently died, and that she was due to inherit a share of the house where her sister, Jennifer, lives in nearby Southborough, with her disabled husband Stephen and their two children. ‘He never asked me how much money I was going to get,’ she insists. ‘But suddenly it was all about doing this oil deal. I had a gut feeling something was wrong. He said he’d make his fortune, pay me back, then set up in business importing luxury American cars. I was desperate to travel to Nigeria to see him. I knew all the risks. I’d heard about women being captured, held to ransom, even murdered.’
They arranged to meet in South Africa, a neutral country from where Sab could organise the ‘deal’ and where Caroline could organise the facelift she had wanted for some time. She says: ‘After a few hiccups with Sab’s visa - I paid for his flight, of course, all the while thinking, “scam, scam scam” but doing it anyway - I got there. I got off the plane in Johannesburg, churning, sweating, feeling like a teenager. I went through Arrivals, trying desperately to look cool. 'There he was, beaming and waving. We fell into each other’s arms. We kissed, we sobbed. I had never been so happy since giving birth to my first child.
‘We had breakfast in the airport, then went to a hotel. I gave him presents. He cried. I showered. We talked. “God, you’re so beautiful,” he kept saying. “You only look 30." It was all I needed to hear. One thing led to another. It was so intimate. I’d never experienced anything like it before. I knew this was true love. I almost wish now that it HAD been just sex, but it wasn’t. 'He wasn’t the skilled, experienced lover, but quite shy. If that was all just part of an act, he should get an Oscar.’
They spent a month together, staying in small upmarket hotels. ‘Sab’ never once put his hand in his pocket, but Caroline was happy to pay and happy to be loved. We went on to Cape Town, where he planned his deal over the phone in front of me,’ she says, ‘showing me things on the internet, all proof in my eyes that he was honest.’ Then they visited a consultant about her plastic surgery. ‘Sab wasn’t happy about me doing it, but it’s cheaper there. I was desperate to look younger for him. I returned to the UK and went back for the operation six weeks later, having also paid for Sab’s visa extension. He had found a small apartment for £300 a month. I had the facelift, he looked after me. I could not have looked worse, but he stayed. Again I returned home, truly believing in him. I sent another £5,000 for his oil permit, then £2,500 for two trucks and an escort to the tankers. At last, three weeks ago, he set off to get the oil.’
' I was madly in love with him. I still am.' Romance scamming, as it is known, is more common than ever, with British women at greater risk than those of any other nationality. At this point, what seems grimly predictable to a neutral observer takes on an air of the inevitable. ‘Sab’ had already warned her about ‘militant factions’ who can prevent deals such as his from taking place. ‘He’d made the risks very clear, but I believed he could pull it off,’ she says. 'Then we lost contact. At about 4pm on the day, his mobile went down. I couldn’t reach him for days. 'We went from speaking and texting every day to zero. Eventually he called. He was sobbing and said, “How can I talk to you, how can I face you? I’ve lost everything.” ‘I was in shock. I’d lost 15 months of my life and everything I owned. I’d handed over close to £40,000.’
As well as the upfront money he claimed to need for the oil scam, Caroline had wired regular gifts of cash to her Nigerian lover. An additional £20,000 she admits, sadly, has been spent on travelling and the facelift. Caroline had borrowed the money from her sister, Jennifer, against her share of the family home. Fortunately, Jennifer was still able to keep the house.
That same night, after receiving the phone call, Caroline wrote letters to her sons and sister and swallowed an overdose of painkillers. ‘I felt that everyone would be better off without me,’ she says. ‘I couldn’t wait to see Mummy and Daddy again. I reverted to my childhood. It was the easiest way of letting go. My sister found me, and called the ambulance. She hadn’t known much of what had been going on, but now they had my mobile phone and trawled through everything.’
Her family are still trying to persuade Caroline to make a complaint to the Serious Organised Crime Agency (SOCA), and co-operate with them to have her lover arrested. According to SOCA, ‘romance scamming’, as it is known, is more common than ever, with British women at greater risk than those of any other nationality.
One scammer in Ghana, Maurice Fadola, has defrauded 16 women, taking £700,000 from five of them. Caroline was well aware of the risks. Yet still she believed in ‘Sab’ - and still, to some extent, believes in him now. ‘He had an explanation for everything,’ she says. ‘I believed him because I was madly in love with him. I still am. ‘After all that I’ve lost, half of me trusts him. The other half - if the authorities can give me proof - wants them to bang him up and lose the key. All I know is that I’ve never felt so much emotion as with this man. We all have our Achilles heel. I was so desperate to be loved that I’d believe almost anything.’
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
You must clearly tell the harasser to stop
Generally speaking, it is unwise to communicate with a harasser. However, as soon as you determine that you are truly being harassed by someone, you must very clearly tell that person to stop. Simply say something like "Do not contact me in any way in the future" and leave it there. You do not need to explain why, just state that you do not want the person to contact you. Sometimes it is helpful to copy this message to the abuse department of the harasser's ISP. Keep a record of this message for your records. Do not respond to any further messages of any sort from the harasser. Don't have anyone else contact the harasser on your behalf.
It is common for the harasser to claim that you are harassing or stalking him or her, but if you aren't contacting the person, it is clear that you aren't the harasser.
One of the first impulses many harassment victims have is to just delete any communications they've received, and that's a bad idea. It's important to save absolutely every communication you have with the harasser - email, chat logs, ICQ histories, anything. If the harasser has created a web site about you, save copies of it to your local system and have someone you trust who would testify in court for you if necessary to do the same. If you receive any phone calls from the harasser, have them traced immediately (your local phone company can tell you how to do that). If you receive any kind of postal mail or other offline communications, save them (with envelopes, boxes, etc.). Do not destroy any evidence - and do not handle it more than absolutely necessary or permit anyone else to do so. Immediately turn the evidence over to the police. Place envelopes, letters, etc. in plastic bags to protect any possible fingerprints.
Complain to the appropriate parties
It can at times be a little difficult for people to determine who the appropriate party is. If you're harassed in a chat room, contact whoever runs the server you were using. If you're harassed on any kind of instant messaging service, read the terms of service and harassment policies they've provided and use any contact address given there. If someone has created a web site to harass you, complain to the server where the site is hosted. If you're being harassed via email, complain to the sender's ISP and any email service (like Hotmail) used to send the messages. Figuring out who to complain to is one of the areas in which WHOA's volunteers can definitely help you.
Cease & desists also can be sent to them and you can go to the police (and their police) and demand a report be filed on them.
Determine your desired result
What do you want to have happen? You need to think about that. Be realistic. It's reasonable to expect that you can get the harasser to stop contacting you. It is reasonable to expect that you can increase your safety online and offline and that of your family.
It is not realistic to expect an apology from the harasser or any kind of "payback" or revenge. If you want to file a lawsuit because of something the harasser said or you believe they said about you, find a lawyer who will take the suit, but realize that you'll probably have to pay a lot of legal costs and may not ever get any kind of satisfaction.
Take our advice
You have to be willing to take the advice given to you, or you're wasting your time and ours. If we suggest that you change your email address, there's a good reason for it, even if it is a hassle. If we suggest that you not visit a particular chat room again, there's a good reason for it.
MORE AT WHOA
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
- Jekyll & Hyde personality
- Always charming and beguilingly plausible, especially to those who are capable of protecting or enhancing the sociopath’s position
- Excels at deception (this must never be underestimated, but always is)
- Excels at evasion of accountability
- Is extremely and successfully manipulative of people’s perceptions and emotions (eg guilt and anger)
- Silver-tongued, has an extreme verbal facility and can outwit anybody (including lawyers, police & therapists) in verbal conflict
- Is adept at offering weak and inadequate people the positions of power, control, security, influence or respect that they crave but who lack the necessary competencies to achieve - such people are unaware that their consequent dependence on the sociopath makes them permanent manipulatees, pawns and expendable agents of helping the sociopath with his/her harassment
- Identifies those essential to the sociopath’s survival and manipulates their perceptions of them by making them feel special and thus obligated to reciprocate with support and protection
- Manipulates others into making fools of themselves in situations where they cannot back down or from which they cannot withdraw - these people become increasingly susceptible to further manipulation and are then trapped as pawns in the sociopath’s game
- Is likely to be surrounded by people who, having been subjected to control, manipulation and punishment by the sociopath, look wretched and who start to exhibit behavior best described as disordered, dysfunctional, sullen, aggressive, defensive, hostile, retaliatory, counterproductive or cult-like and for whom disbelief, disavowal and denial are instinctive responses
- Creates an environment where levels of denial are so great that those involved are oblivious of the foolishness and self-evident absurdity of their denials when presented with the facts, with the result that non-involved observers are led to question whether such levels of denial merit psychiatric intervention
- Is contemptuous of disrepute to their organization and of collateral damage and of the destructive consequences for all direct and indirect parties
- Is always surrounded by and leaves behind a trail of dysfunctional organizations, destroyed businesses, ruined careers, stress breakdowns and unexplained suicides despite a trail of devastation to individuals, organizations, families and communities. The actions of a socialized psychopath may go undetected or unrecognized for years
- A history of conducting frivolous, vexatious and malicious legal actions and threats, especially (but not exclusively) against anyone who can recognize the sociopath for what he is
- Only after the sociopath is exposed and relieved of position, or they move on, can the full depth of their destructive behavior be fathomed and the consequences calculated
- Is skilled at identifying, undermining, discrediting, neutralizing and destroying anyone who can see through the sociopath’s mask of sanity at all times
- Restricts the actions and rights of others (especially those holding the sociopath accountable) whilst aggressively protecting his or her right to do anything without being hampered by social norms or legal requirements
- Pursues endless vindictive vendettas against anyone perceived as a threat or who attempts, knowingly or unknowingly, to identify or reveal or expose the sociopath, or who makes efforts to hold the sociopath accountable
- Is adept at appropriating rules, regulations, procedures and law to manipulate, control and punish accusers regardless of relevance, logic, facts or consequences persists in and pursues vindictive vendettas using self-evidently false evidence or information, even after this is brought to the attention of the sociopath will often manipulate minor bullies of the Wannabe type (who on their own might or would not merit the label ’serial bully’) into acting as agents of harassment and as unwitting or unwilling conductors/ proxies of vendettas
- Is adept at placing people in situations where the sociopath can tap into each person’s instinctive urge to retaliate in order to use them as his or her instruments or agents of harassment
- Gains gratification from provoking others into engaging in adversarial conflict
- Once conflict has been initiated, the sociopath gains increased gratification by exploiting human beings’ instinctive need to retaliate - this is achieved by encouraging and escalating peoples’ adversarial conflicts into mutually assured destruction, revels in the gratification gained from seeing or causing other people’s distress
- When faced with accountability or unwelcome attention which might lead to others discerning the sociopath’s true nature, responds with repeated and escalating attempts to control, manipulate and punish
- Is adept at reflecting all accusations and attempts at accountability back onto their accusers
- Is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information about the sociopath (eg ‘keeping victims apart’ so there is comparison or sharing of activities or statements made by the sociopath)
- Has no limits on his or her vindictiveness
- The need to control, manipulate and punish develops into an obsession with many of the hallmarks of an addiction
- Is skilled at mimicry and can plausibly and spontaneously regurgitate all the latest emotional jargon
- Exhibits minimal professional skill level and competency
- Exploits his or her intelligence to excel at talentless mediocrity
- Is always identifying the behaviors and strategies to which other people respond with the desired effect
- Is able to anticipate and credibly say what people want to hear
- Is easily able to win people over before betraying them or deceiving them or ripping them off
- Easily manipulates and hypnotizes a vulnerable or emotionally needy person to be their spokesperson or agent of aggression
- Exploits anyone who has a vulnerability
- Is pushy and extremely persuasive
- Is sexually inadequate and sexually abusive (and often sexually & porn addicted)
- Is likely to protect anyone accused of or suspected of sexually abusive activity, and will frustrate or obstruct investigations into that person
- May be associating with, or actively involved in, sexually abusive activity
- Has no emotions, no emotional processing capability and no ability to understand other’s emotions
- Is incapable of understanding, initiating or sustaining intimacy
- The male sociopath has often convinced a string of women to feel they are in love with him and despite being treated abominably they blindly continue to be loyal to him and minister willingly to his every demand
- May start projects or relationships with apparent enthusiasm and energy but quickly loses interest
- Frequently takes unnecessary and miscalculated risks but takes no account of consequences
- Is reckless and untrustworthy with money
- Is likely to have committed or be committing criminal or near-criminal offenses, eg fraud, deception
- Is likely to have committed or be committing breaches of harassment and discrimination law, employment law, etc disregards rules, regulations, Health and Safety requirements, professional standards, codes of conduct and legal requirements, etc
- Cannot comprehend the deeper semantic meaning of language and is thus unable to understand or appreciate metaphor, hyperbole, irony, satire etc - while trumpeting they are “good at” same (these elicit either zero response or a hostile response)
- Likes, seeks, enjoys and relies on procedure, ritual and ritualistic practices through arrogant overconfidence takes increasingly risky chances and eventually overplays their hand or makes a mistake which leads to the sociopath revealing him or herself
- Exhibits parasitical behavior, takes everything and gives nothing grabs headline credit for minimal, flukey or other peoples’ success whilst surviving off the backs of manipulatees who are exclusively blamed for all failures
- Rarely blinks, may have stary scary eyes that cut right through you, or may avoid eye contact completely (the 'sociopathic stare' that many mistake for romantic intensity)
- Is callous, cold and calculating
- Is devious, clever and cunning
- Is ruthless in the extreme regards people as objects and playthings to be discarded when surplus or inconvenient to requirements
- Displays zero empathy completely without conscience, remorse and guilt
- Malicious and evil
REMEMBER - EOPC are not doctors, lawyers, police or mental health professionals. We cannot diagnose, we can merely offer an opinion or suggestion. -- Sociopaths/ psychopaths RARELY go to be diagnosed or admit what they are! We present this as part of our ongoing psychopathy/ sociopathy education efforts and to help victims and others see exactly 'WHAT' they may be dealing with.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Although this volume appears to tell torrid tales of online passion or to advise how to find the love--or at least the lust--of your life online, it does neither. Instead, psychiatrist Esther Gwinnell focuses on how and why online romances happen. Gwinnell compares the modern online relationship with historical cases of individuals who met as pen pals and fell in love. But she also notes significant differences, such as the subtle personality clues that exist in e-mail as opposed to handwritten letters.
Gwinnell uses several examples of online couples and correspondents to demonstrate how romances evolve, flourish, and sometimes wither. The examples are all composite cases to protect the identities of the many people who shared their stories and correspondence with her, but anyone who has experienced a cybercrush can testify that her examples, if simplified for illustrative purposes, are right on target. In the course of her exploration, Gwinnell discusses why cyberromance is suddenly so prevalent, how to deal with both good and bad experiences, and how to protect yourself from bad online relationships. It does an especially good job of highlighting the danger signs that your correspondent may be a pathological personality.
Gwinnell offers some wonderfully hardheaded questions to ask yourself and your potential significant cyber-other before things go too far. - -Elizabeth Lewis
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
ONLINE DATING VIRTUALLY IRRESISTIBLE TO SOME MARRIED FOLKS
Oh, what a tangled Web is weaved as rapidly growing numbers of married people sneak into Internet chat rooms for romantic or sexual thrills they think they aren't getting from their spouses, a new University of Florida study finds.
"Never before has the dating world been so handy for married men and women looking for a fling,"said Beatriz Avila Mileham, who conducted the research for her doctoral dissertation in counselor education at UF. "With cybersex, there is no longer any need for secret trips to obscure motels. An online liaison may even take place in the same room with one's spouse."
In the words of one 41-year-old man in the study, "All I have to do is turn on my computer, and I have thousands of women to choose from. (It) can't get any easier than that."
Counseling organizations report chat rooms and instant messaging are the fastest-rising cause of relationship breakdowns, and the problem only stands to get worse as today's population of Internet users, estimated at 649 million worldwide, continues to grow, Mileham said.
"The Internet will soon become the most common form of infidelity, if it isn't already," she said.
Unlike some fatal attractions, a simple click of a mouse button ends contact - should the person want to break it off - without any explanations or apologies, she said.
In 2002, Mileham conducted in-depth online interviews with 76 men and 10 women, ages 25 to 66, who used Yahoo's "Married and Flirting" or Microsoft's "Married But Flirting," Internet chat rooms geared specifically for married people. The study's participants, who represented every state, included stay-at-home mothers, construction workers, engineers, nurses and presidents of large corporations.
Some went online for a quick "sex fix," while others established more meaningful connections where they talked about personal problems, marital issues and things like that, Mileham said. Others hoped to have a real-life affair. Still others wanted to engage in cybersex, exchanging sexual fantasies with someone while masturbating, she said.
The vast majority said they loved their spouses but sought an erotic encounter online because of boredom, a partner's lack of sexual interest or the need for variety and fun, Mileham said.
"I'm not going to cheat," wrote one married man. "I'm just capturing back some of those butterflies we feel when we're young and start flirting and dating."
"The No. 1 complaint from men was lack of sex in the marriage," Mileham said. "Many of them said their wife was so involved in childrearing that she wasn't interested in having sex."
Because there is no touching involved in online chat conversations, married people often rationalize their behavior as harmless fun, Mileham said. Eighty-three percent of the study's participants said they did not consider themselves to be cheating, and the remaining 17 percent deemed it a "weak" form of infidelity that was easily justifiable, she said.
Other research has shown, however, that most spouses feel as betrayed, angry and hurt by online infidelity as they would if skin-to-skin adultery had taken place, she said.
The UF study found an escalating quality to these online contacts. Many reported that what started as innocent, friendly exchanges progressed quickly to strong desires for sexual relationships, she said.
Twenty-six of the 86 study participants went on to meet the person whom they had been engaged in an online relationship with, and of these, all but two ended up having a real-life affair. One 66-year-old man ended up having 13 affairs this way, she said.
Research shows that more males than females use chat rooms, said Mileham, who found it difficult to get women to respond to her survey. Females are usually bombarded with messages and can pick and choose which messages they respond to, she said.
Al Cooper, a leading expert in the field of Internet sexuality and the author of the book "Sex and the Internet: A Guidebook for Clinicians," said Mileham's research is important in helping to understand this increasingly common phenomenon.
"We are hearing from therapists around the country reporting online sexual activity to be a major cause of marital problems," Cooper said. "We need to better understand the contributing factors if we are going to be able to warn people about the slippery slope that starts with online flirting and too often ends in divorce."
Said one such man, "While I'm on the computer my wife just assumes I'm writing a report for work." Another man said his wife, who knew what he was doing and didn’t like it, looked over his shoulder sometimes while he was typing, Mileham said.
Much of the Internet's appeal to married people is the anonymity it guarantees, coupled with the no-touching aspect, which they view as a license to be sexual, Mileham said. One can reveal the most intimate emotional and sexual details to an unseen stranger at any time of the day or night, she said.
Several participants indicated they divulged more about themselves to online partners than to their wives or husbands.
"We started chatting about life, our marriage, what we like to eat, what sexual positions we like the best," wrote one man to Mileham. "I felt like I've known her in another life."
- Cathy Keen
THIS WOULD NOT BE AN ISSUE IF THIS WAS IN PLACE!! CLICK HERE
Thursday, June 21, 2012
The following is transcribed from the written logs of a conversation that an individual from TalkCity had with an agent at the FBI.
The Mental Rapist Enjoys Abusing Women:
He abuses then backs off. After he has abused to a certain point he will back off and take note of his accomplishments. If he is not satisfied that he has reached his desired level of control, he will step up the degree of abuse, coming back and swinging harder. He has to win, and it is very important to him that he is always right.
He Hates and Loves Women at the Same Time:
Endless Cycle of Love/Hate with his Mother This person was probably abused by his mother and then coddled. (For example: She would slap him in a violent rage and then love, cry and apologize.)
He probably hated his mother and loved her at the same time. The relationship with his mother was a never-ending cycle of love and hate that he could not control or stop. He transposes these feelings to other women. He tries to create the same type of environment with other women. This time he IS in CONTROL.
Therefore, in his mind, he is controlling his mother through other women, surrogates of his mother. He may have a wife. If so, he is a model husband. He needs one relationship with a female that is solid and wholesome; that is why he looks elsewhere for women to abuse.
He was disillusioned by an early love, so, in his mind, all women are liars and whores. He was very much in love with someone once who he thought to be pure. The other person did not feel the same for him, and/ or turned out not to be quite the virgin he thought her to be. In his mind, if this ideal woman whom he thought was pure above all else, turned out not to be, then surely all other women must be liars and whores too. His mind is fixed on that as pure 100% fact and can not be changed.
His mother might have been the woman he loved and thought to be pure, and he may have found out that she had several affairs.
His biggest problem is simply that all women just won't admit that they are liars and whores. When a woman does not submit to him and admit what he knows to be true (that she is a liar and a whore), he feels he is back in the unbreakable cycle of his mother again. This upsets him to the point of bursting forth with so much profanity.
Delusions of Superior Intellect
He considers himself to be mentally superior to all women. He is sure he is smarter, because he knows all women are liars and whores, but he has to prove it by making them admit it. This type of individual probably possesses an above-average I.Q. He has engaged in this behavior many times and knows what avenues and shortcuts to take to reach his objective as soon as possible.
He is a Mental Combatant, not Physical
This type of person is not likely to use physical violence because he may not win. He is a mental combatant because he has learned to fight very well at that level and can always
win to some degree in his own mind. There are a few conditions in which he could be violent. Under the right circumstances this person could rape or beat a woman physically because of his dominant personality and if he felt he had to in order to prove his point. He would probably not actually stalk a woman physically, but for sure might mentally via the internet. The Internet is his preferred hunting ground.
Remember, he is most likely very shy and timid or reserved in the real world and has low self esteem until he gets on the Internet. Then he is the MASTER of his domain.
It's much easier to go on the Internet with lots of prey to pursue.
Some FBI Advice for Online Chatters
DO NOT be so open and honest with every person that comes into a room.
NEVER under any circumstances give detailed information about your home address or city.
NEVER give out your phone number.
NEVER post or send pictures of yourself or your family. If you email them to someone, they can use them HOWEVER THEY SEE FIT as you have given up your copyright.
KEEP all conversations about personal info as general as you can; a person that is just curious doesn't expect more and will soon forget.
GO with your instincts. Use "backing-off" behavior: If a person makes you feel uncomfortable, go to a friend and make conversation and slowly back away from the person that is bothering you; eventually ignoring him completely. If that fails to discourage the person, simply say goodbye and leave.
Legal Disclaimer: Please note that the above information is provided to help victims understand the psychological make-up of the Mental Rapist or Cyberstalker. It is only a profile, and as such, there can be no guarantees to its accuracy. Nor can one say with certainty that any cyberstalker would fit this profile 100%. Neither the FBI nor Stop Net Abusers will be held accountable for violent or distressful actions accruing from such an individual. The FBI is the Federal Bureau of Investigation , a Department of the Government of the United States of America, and has full ownership of the profiles it develops of the psychology of criminal natures. Stop Net Abusers, Inc.
Created: 30 June 1999 Updated: 11 September 1999 ftn
The male gender is used here but Cyberpaths & Abusers can be FEMALE as well.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Dear Martyr Man,
You will always be the victim, in every situation where someone tries to get close to you. You cannot relate to women as equals. You look for a strong-willed woman, latch on to her, but envy her strength and ability to express herself openly, so you attack her in vicious little ways. Ways so subtle that you can easily and convincingly deny any wrongdoing and make HER look like the crazy one for even suspecting that you are a passive-aggressive game player.
You played similar games with women before, and this was a chief motivator for their anger and "abuse" towards you. If they struck you physically, that was not right,
but when you paint yourself as a martyr, you *always* fail to mention the emotional and psychological abuse you were inflicting on THEM.That's right, Martyr. You are an abuser. You. Poor little cringing, eternally victimized you.
"But abusers scream, yell and hit, and I never do that!" you protest. "I'm not that way at all. I don't have the anger gene. I am completely incapable of anger."
What you are incapable of is the truth. But I am capable of the truth and here it is.
You ARE capable of anger. In fact, you are a very angry person, as your father before you must have also been - he is clearly the one upon whom you have modeled your behavior. Like him, you were too intimidated by other people to express your anger openly, so you nursed your rage in secret and struck out instead in subtle little ways. If you were asked to do something, you made sure you "forgot" repeatedly or did a poor job. You no doubt carry this behavior on in your work and it is the reason most of the other employees don't like you. People tend not to like someone who does not do his share of the work and is sullen and resistant to new ideas. They are probably tired of your constant subterfuge and backstabbing. No doubt you also play the divide-and-conquer game, playing people off against one another.
You haven't said much about your mother, but I'll make a few educated guesses. She was a strong-willed woman who dominated you and your father, and you both resented it, but neither of you ever told her so directly. Neither of you had the courage to assert yourselves openly. So you both "got even" with her by lying, false promises, "forgetting" or otherwise sabotaging things she asked you to do, and/or withholding your attention and love.
Your mother was a model for how you view women today. As I have previously said, you go after women with strong, assertive personalities, because they fit your mother's model and because you admire them for the qualities that you yourself lack. However, you also hate them because they are strong and you are weak. Because you cannot assert yourself openly, you play psychological games designed to break them down, subvert their will, and subtly - invisibly - assert YOUR control.
That's right, Martyr Man. You want control. You are not able to control yourself and so you are controlled by others - but you resent it. So you get a feeling of control by manipulating situations with a deft, invisible hand. You "forget" that a woman asked you to do something. You "forget" NOT to do something she finds hurtful or disrespectful.
You remember to do the things YOU enjoy and want to do, and your friends think you're a great guy - the kind of guy who would do anything for his friends! (Of course you would - your reputation depends on maintaining an appearance of kindness and willingness, and anyone who doesn't know you WELL would say what a nice guy you are - you would do anything to maintain that image).... If she does something you REALLY don't like, such as attempt to leave you, you hint around at suicide and disappear, leaving her to agonize for days over your fate. Really, you're off hanging out with your buddies and drinking and having fun, but she doesn't need to know that, does she?
No doubt she has noticed the fact that after your initial, highly romantic and complimentary approach, you do a complete about-face once she's "hooked" - like Jerkily and Hyde. Once she's in a relationship with you, the kind and gentle and loving courtship behavior ceases, and the passive-aggressive battle begins. First, you begin by slowly and subtly creating distance between you - by spending less time with her every day (always her fault, because of something SHE did...) withholding your attention and affection, making sure she gets the message that your friends, your other interests, EVERYTHING else are more important to you than the person you called the love of your life. When she challenges you about this behavior, you deny it, and make her out to be irrational and crazy for even suspecting it. After all, the success of a passive-aggressive campaign depends on secrecy and camouflage.
You lie easily, leaving out little details like a wife you haven't yet legally severed ties to, and children that you almost never see. You haven't got a divorce, and you won't, because even though you hate your wife, you feel chained to her. You are dependent on her. It's a parasitic relationship.... I haven't the faintest doubt you have cheated on her many times and lied to her many times, and that was the real cause of the attack that so wounded you emotionally. You brought it on yourself, but you won't admit that part.
... Yet, you still cling to this desperate delusion that you are incapable of anger.
That's a lie, Mr. Martyr. One of many.
Lies undermine the trust that is vital to all relationships. But you don't care about that as long as you can feel in control. Even when control comes at the expense of love, and that is sad.
Nobody can get close to you, Martyr Man. You'll let them within a certain distance, but then you are frightened by intimacy and of your will being sublimated to another's because deep down inside you know you are not strong enough to assert your own will openly and directly.... You wither under direct confrontation, but when you are able to operate undetected, you are a cruel and effective bully.
Games You Play:
1. The forgetting game:
You are asked to do something you don't want to do. Instead of saying no, you either "forget" about it or sabotage it so badly that the results are useless. You enjoy the frustration this causes others - this is your sneaky way of asserting yourself and controlling the situation from behind the scenes.
2. The withholding game:
Once in a relationship with someone, you begin to selectively withhold your time and affection. The other person senses this pulling away and asks about it. You deny it. But you let them know, indirectly, that many other things are more important to you than they are - your friends, your work, your opera DVDs. You let them know this by leaving their company to pursue these interests without telling them you are doing so. You enjoy the feeling of being in control, knowing you have falsely promised someone your attention later in the evening and knowing you have no intention of fulfilling that promise. You will "forget" to come back, and enjoy your evening alone knowing you are ruining someone else's. When the person confronts you about this treatment, you will act put out at the suggestion that your actions should live up to your words. You just can't remember to keep your promises!
.... You know full well that thist the way you like your partner to feel - that way she will be more dependent on you, desperate for your attention, and under your control.
3. The lying game:
Lies roll smoothly off your tongue whenever you are confronted about your behavior and/or something you failed to mention about your past, such as being currently married and the father of two children (now that is a big thing to "forget", even if you alienated them so badly that they don't want to spend any time with you any more). Lying by omission is lying, pure and simple. But you didn't lie on purpose, you claim. No, you just forgot, or your emotional pain was so great that you just couldn't bear to tell the truth!
4. The deflecting game:
Partner becoming suspicious of your lies? No matter, just deflect the attention! Change the subject, wander off, or start ruthlessly (and falsely) putting yourself down so that she won't have the heart to be "mean" enough to pursue the matter any further. If she persists, then you play:
5. The martyr game:
This is your favorite game of all. This game allows you to escape responsibility for anything and everything by invoking your status as the most misunderstood, mistreated, helpless and victimized martyr who ever walked the earth. Nobody understands you or your pain! Don't they see that being a victim completely justifies the way you turn around and become a victimizer at will? Nobody could ever suspect poor little abused, tormented you of torpedoing relationships.
Nobody could expect such an innocent little lamb of deliberately causing emotional and psychological damage to others. Why, look at the way he cries and curls up into a helpless little ball when confronted (and when the lying and deflecting games don't work)! He could never harm ANYONE.
.... The Martyr has no pity or compassion for anyone else, since he saves it all for himself.
6. The superior game:
Unlike all the other people on Earth, you're incapable of anger. You're a regular Gandhi, full of kindness and respect for all, and it's such a tragedy that other people feel the need to get angry at you. You'd never push someone's buttons until they responded in anger and then deny any wrongdoing, setting them up to look like the emotional, crazy one. You'd never get satisfaction out of a nasty little game like that, because you're too superior. You're also superior to the rest of the world culturally - nobody is as sensitive and artistic as you, and nobody appreciates your kind of music, or appreciates it at such a lofty level. You especially love to pull this routine after you've seriously pissed somebody off. You respond with calm politeness - calm of course, since you have got the angry/upset reaction you were aiming for - and double-whammy the person by showing them how YOU never get angry because you are too superior a person to be capable of anger. ...
No wonder you're so angry at being unmasked publicly. Your games depend on your victim not knowing what's going on.
You are not interested in confronting your problems or getting any help for them. You'd rather just float through life like a spineless jellyfish, stinging anyone who ventures too near. Your behavior patterns are firmly entrenched and you are too old to change.
I have no doubt you will continue this behavior pattern with the next woman you meet, and you will continue it until you drive her away, too. You like to drive women away - like to get them so fed up that they leave. That feeds your sickness in a number of ways:
it takes the burden of decision-making off of YOU;
* it enables you to play the martyr over being left by this cruel, horrible woman;
* it gets you sympathy from your next prospect.
You like hurting other people and you have no intention of changing.
And don't bother with the "I'm a wonderful sensitive human being who would never cause anyone harm; you've misunderstood me". Oh no. I have not. I have understood you at last.
I understand now how you messed with my mind and made me even fear for my own sanity, how you exploited me emotionally, how you hurt me to the point where I actually felt suicidal. (Dorsky, Campbell, Jacoby, Thomas and YidwithLid's targets all mentioned this, readers!)
..... It's called PROJECTION. It's what YOU would do in such a situation, so you project your own screwed up motives onto others.
For someone who is so wounded, so sensitive, so compassionate, so victimized, so gentle - your letters bristle with anger, threats, and nastiness. I thought you were incapable of such things, Gandhi. And you sure are lacking in any compassion at all for the women you've tormented - you have none for your wife and you have none for me. And no doubt you'll have none for your next victim.
You chose your life, and you choose to be this way. You choose it every day. You could change, and learn to be a person of truth, strength and integrity, but you choose not to. It's easier to sit in your shit and cry about how you are victimized while you are busy victimizing others. This is the life you've chosen. You have chosen to be unhappy, and to inflict unhappiness on others.