HOW NOT TO BE STALKED

Many cyberpaths may have personality disorders. Destructive Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, Sociopathy, etc.

The article below is on how to AVOID being stalked... it deals with a lot of real life relationships but can be easily extrapolated to deal with online relationships as well. Cyberpaths tend to have very poor impulse control and be obsessive, or addictive personalities as well. - EOPC

By Tim Pheil L.P.N.

This article is for those who may be in relationship with an obsessive person. Many times those with disorders become involved with those who also suffer. We have had marriages thru our chat room. We have also had bad relationships that ended in stalking, even across continents.
Lets face it, for every marriage there are 10 failed relationships. And those who suffer from the BPD (like myself) can obsess about relationships. As a sufferer I know the best thing you can do is learn to accept the end of a relationship and let go.

I will use myself as an example. Because of the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and sites like www.nonbpd.org . Some may find this to be “anti-BPD” but I am living nightmare these resource's talk about.
I’ll go in to my story and then finish with the Do's and Don’ts of an successful break–up with an obsessive person whether they suffer from the BPD or not.
One of the biggest factors of deterring whether a relationship is over is abuse. Physical, Mental or Emotional. I know that as an untreated sufferer can be very verbally abusive when dysporic. But you need to know what your limits are. After coming from a physically abusive relationship, I knew my breaking point was physical abuse.

Unfortunately I let my SO (Significant Other) because of more advance degree believe after 1st incident was that physical violence was a part of a normal relationship, thus I never called the police the first time. The second time I did. Unfortunately nothing was done, probably because after learning the abuser was a mental health consumer (despite fully acknowledging that she had used violence) nothing was done because they didn’t want to spend the night in the ER waiting for mental health to come take over. There was already a precedent of them being called to take this person to the Crisis Center for violence against objects (furniture).
A counselor at Mental Health suggested if the abuse got to bad that I should call relatives to see if they could help. So the mourning after the incident I called my daughter. But It was going to be 5 days till she could come get me. So I placated my SO. MY SO decided to go to her relatives in a near by town 3 days later. I called my daughter. Even after working 8 hrs she drove 4 hrs down to get me. As per instructed by the resources I had notified the local police that I was leaving and that there may be trouble and had programmed 911 into speed dial on the phone. Unfortunately she came home 2 hrs before my daughter got there. I had to do some really fast-talking to leave. I let my daughter know she was there and she drove as fast as she could fearing for my safety.

I took only what I prized most (computers). I made sure that everything was still working when I left (Telephone, Internet, Etc). I left everything else. Remember it's only things.
After moving I tried to keep working with her on the site but her decision was to start her own. After numerous phone calls, obscene messages on my answering machine and horrid emails I did as instructed and got a restraining order and changed my phone number. I though everything was fine till I learned she had simply changed her targets by harassing those who volunteer for the sanctuary (sending up to 10 emails a day) and even to those who followed her to her new site. Also the smear program toward me had started.
Some one had described the smear campaign as akin to the “I hate you, Don’t leave me” scenario. It becomes “if I can’t have you, no one can” to “I’ll make sure no one will want you because of the smear campaign."
Unfortunately when she was served the restraining order they gave her the police copy.

The one that says “Do Not Give to Respondent”. So we’ve moved. Changed both our phone number and my cell number.

I say we because after being here a short while my daughter introduced me to a wonderful woman whom I married.

Recently my ex sent me 4 emails despite the restraining order. The sheriffs Dept. came out and collected them. After reading them the deputy noticed one threatening to harass my fiancée at her job. He advised me to back to court and had me take the original restraining order. This I did, another long day in court. She learned of my wife's work place from our engagement and wedding announcements in our local newspaper. The local DA has received the incidents and will issue warrants which will then be transferred to the state and city where she resides. 4 emails equals 4 violations. So now its not a matter of if she's going to jail, but when. We did take precautions at our wedding.
My ex has since been to court twice having to go 200 miles to do so. She is on severe probation and will automatically go to jail for 1 year if she contacts me again.



Dos and Don'ts

• Don’t have joint checking, credit cards, or vehicles with someone you’re not married to.
• Do let your bank, electric, gas, insurance and phone companies know you just had a nasty break-up and password protect your accounts.
• Do, if you rent, get renters insurance.
• Do get a P.O. Box for your mail.
• Do reformat your computer if you leave it at the end of a relationship, especially if you use online services.
• Do change all your passwords to all the services you use on and offline and have them sent to a secure email.
• Do expect a smear campaign against you to all your joint friends and acquaintances. What will be told will not be the truth, but what will get your ex-partner the most sympathy towards them and hatred towards you.
• Do let your employer and friends and family know you expect it.
• Do expect the unexpected.

Restraining Orders 101

• Do call your local court and get the needed paper work filed out before going to court.
• Do take any evidence of harassment with you to court.
• Do expect to have to come back to court get a permanent restraining order.
• Do expect to have to file multiple restraining orders if others are involved. In some states you can get an others added, in most you can get minor children added.
• Do expect to wait in court.
• Do get caller id on your phone.
• Do make sure your phone number is unlisted if you change phone numbers.
• Do remember any contact whether you receive it or not constitutes a violation. In my case 4 emails equals 4 violations. Even if you don’t pick up the phone and the caller IDs them the respondent is in violation.
• Do call your local Police Dept or Sheriffs for any violation.
• Do call your local Police Dept or Sheriffs if the respondent tries to use a 3rd party to convey messages or threats to you.
• Do remember the laws are there to protect you, not your tormentor.

ARTICLE FROM THIS SITE

STALKING VICTIMS SANCTUARY - CLICK HERE
CYBERSTALKING: Obsessional Pursuit


EOPC cannot and does not intervene if you are cyberstalked or cyberharassed. We can only help you tell your story. For help please contact one of the other organizations listed.

Bi-Polars and Internet Relationships

What Makes Internet Relationships So Desirable?
by Paula (about.com)

People are drawn to cyber-romances for the same reasons they are drawn to face-to-face romances - either they don't have a "real-life" love relationship, or there is something missing in their "real-life" love relationship. On the internet, they may indeed find what they are missing. Or, because of the partial anonymity of cyberspace - which allows lots of room for fantasy and imagination - they may only THINK they have found what they are missing.

The "exotic" and/or "magical" quality of a cyber-romances might be one factor that attracts some people. The lover's presence enters your home (or office) without the person physically being there, which feels very magical. People also enjoy the secrecy that an internet romance provides.

An internet romance can be carried out from home or office without the knowledge of others around us.

It's well known that people say and do things in cyberspace that they wouldn't ordinarily say or do in the face-to-face world. They loosen up, feel more uninhibited, express themselves more openly. Researchers call this the "disinhibition effect." When people have the opportunity to separate their actions from their real world and identity, they feel less vulnerable about opening up. Whatever they say or do can't be directly linked to the rest of their lives. They don't have to own their behavior by acknowledging it within the full context of who they "really" are. When acting out hostile feelings, the person doesn't have to take responsibility for those actions. In fact, people might even convince themselves that those behaviors "aren't me at all." In psychology this is called "dissociation."

The Problems
Online relationships can happen incredibly fast.

When involved online with someone, you don't experience the negative body language or warning signals that may occur when you meet face to face.

You are taking the other person's word on trust -
while he or she may be romancing four or five others with the same lines that you find appealing.

You may be giving a false impression of yourself due to disinhibition.

What Makes Bipolar People So Vulnerable?
Hypersexuality - hypersexuality is a real problem for the manic bipolar. Because it feels very good, and very powerful, it can be a driving force that propels all thought, all feeling, and all motive. Hypersexuality often causes us to engage in flirtatious, seductive behavior that we would never otherwise consider. Hypersexuality often causes us to abandon real relationships, and it can lead us into dangerous online (and offline) situations. Worst of all, it often causes irreparable damage to integrity, dignity, and reputation.

Perceptual problems - the bipolar often wrongly interprets subtle nuances in voice and body language even when having a physical conversation. In the surreal, artificial environment of the internet, those nuances are further limited by our inability to express them electronically. It's very easy for you - and the person with whom you are communicating - to misinterpret intentions and motives.

Poor impulse control - the desire to live in the moment (without consideration of future consequences) can be real a problem, especially during periods of mania and depression.

Poor self-esteem - bipolars often have a desperate need for attention, friendship, and validation from other human beings. These feelings make us very, very vulnerable to internet stalking, manipulation, and deceit.

Grandiosity - when afflicted with grandiosity, we think we have absolute clarity and can do no wrong. All of our decisions - even the horrifically bad ones - "feel right," and they all make perfect sense.

(be aware - many of these traits apply to psychopaths and narcissists also. Only a qualified mental health professional would be able to diagnose someone as Bi-Polar)

Part 2: Warning Signals and Self-Protection

Now suppose you have met someone via the internet who appeals to you. There are several precautions you can take and a number of warning signals to watch for - signals that can tell you the person on the other end of the chat, forum or email relationship is not what he or she appears to be.

How do you protect yourself?
Be aware of the red flags listed below.

Run your relationship past an unafflicted family member or friend for a second opinion. Listen to his or her responses. Tell your online partner up front that you will be doing this. If the online person insists that you keep the relationship a secret, it's a sure bet that there are troubled waters ahead.

If at any time your instinct tells you that something is wrong; even if you know or "think" you know that person... it probably is. Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

Internet Relationships: Red Flags
Some warning signs that you need to watch for in ALL romantic involvements, and especially on the internet with someone you have never really met:

Pay attention to displays of anger, intense frustration or attempts to pressure or control you.

Acting in a passive-aggressive manner, making demeaning or disrespectful comments or any physically inappropriate behavior are all red flags.

Abusive or controlling behavior: Give and take, tempered by some compromise here and there, indicates that a relationship is healthy. However, if one of the persons involved wants everything on his/her terms, then serious problems can arise. Furthermore, there are those who will become verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive if they do not get their way.

Argumentative and irritating behavior: Some people are just contrary. They will question much of what you say to them, put their own twist on it, or challenge your every thought. Basically, they are full of themselves and feel that their opinion is the only one that counts.

Sexual behavior: If your online friend is pressuring you for cybersex, you just might ask yourself the question, "how many others have there been and how many more will there be?"

Inconsistent behavior: Watch for inconsistencies in information about age, interests, appearance, marital status, job, etc. Keep notes!

Avoidant behavior: Consistent failure to provide direct answers to direct questions.

No contact numbers: If you've progressed to telephone contact, and any of the following situations sound familiar, be prepared to further investigate the possibility of a spouse, live-in, or other situation you may not be aware of:

• You have to page them for them to call you back.
• They use a separate line. If so, try calling their main line at random times.
• You can only call during certain periods of time (if this applies to you, try calling at different time periods to see who answers the phone).
• They will only call you, therefore not allowing you to call them.

Protecting Yourself Online
You may enjoy flirting online with that 25-year-old blonde female hottie with the psych degree ... but imagine how surprised you would be to discover that the "young lady" you've been flirting with online, is really a balding middle-aged male factory worker with a beer belly? The sad fact is, the person that you are involved with could be lying to you.

Deception via internet is incredibly easy.

An exchange of pictures via email means nothing. Go slowly. Meet regularly in the same chat room with others around and see how your love interest treats those others - and how the others interact with him or her.

DO'S AND DON'TS OF INTERNET ROMANCE
It's important to remember that online we never really know who we're talking to or what they're real motives are. Until you can internalize that fact, the internet is a dangerous place for you to be spending time.

Safety on the Net
When giving out your geographical location, limit yourself to region only, rather than the exact name of the town, province or neighborhood.

NEVER, EVER give out your work or home phone number to unfamiliar people! Establish a LONG, LONG record of trust before agreeing to do this.

If you must talk on the phone, get the telephone number to a pay telephone near you, and arrange a time when you can be at that phone. Make sure the pay phone you select is able to receive incoming calls. Be Safe!!

If you're going to put your picture on the internet, you have NO reason to believe it's going to stay where you put it. In fact, anybody can right click on an image and take it from a web site. That person that you send it to just might decide to pass it on to friends, and who would know?

Remember, once you put it up, you have NO idea where it's going.

Don't brag. You're sending an open invitation to those who would defraud you, if you tell them you own a house or two, a few cars, etc. Limit how much information you give out!

When you settle on a single relationship, make sure you set up a secondary email account to be used just for this relationship. You can quickly shut it down should things seem not right.

Now suppose the person you have met has passed all the tests and you've decided to take the next step - a face-to-face meeting.

Don't assume that because the object of your affections has not tripped any warning lights during your online relationship, it is perfectly safe to meet.

Keep in mind that when chemistry is the strongest, you are the most vulnerable.

Before you dismiss an online relationship as "harmless," remember that the lack of accountability, the ease of deception, and the anonymity provided by the keyboard all make the online relationship a potential source of instability and even danger.

If you do decide to meet someone offline:

Always meet in a public place! Don't even agree that the parking lot is a good idea - you have NO PROTECTION from anything in a parking lot, and no, your car is NOT SAFE! You can be easily overpowered, you don't know if other cars in the parking lot are safe, and nobody from within another car is likely to see you.

Always tell a friend or relative where you will be and write that information down!

Never allow yourself to be picked up for the first meeting. If you don't own transportation, get a ride from a friend, take a cab, or bus. Do not become a statistic! It is never safe to leave your home with a total stranger or to give a total stranger your address - and no matter how well you think you know someone you met online, at this point he or she IS a total stranger.

Women - never leave your purse unattended, even if the person you are meeting offers to watch it for you. Contained within your purse or whatever you carry is not only the obvious personal information, but your car and house keys. You may not notice they're gone in time.

Never leave your drink on the table or bar! If you have to go to the bathroom, or leave for whatever reason, take your drink with you. If that is not possible, dump it out! Order a fresh one when you return. Rohypnol - commonly known as the date rape drug - is not the only drug you need to be concerned about.

If possible, get a cellular phone. Even if everything goes great, what if the unthinkable were to happen and you were followed home? Lock the car, drive to a busy lighted area, and don't open your car door for ANY reason unless you see the red lights of a police car in your rear view mirror ... and even then, only open that window about an inch. You are safe inside your car if you restrict access. The cell phone is your friend - use it.

Be very aware of your surroundings! Memorize important landmarks such as where the telephone is, park in a well-lit area, and ask someone to walk you to your car in the event the meeting does not go as well as you had hoped. You only have one life, protect it!

A NOTE ABOUT STALKING AND HARASSEMENT
Cyberstalking is defined as "the use of the Internet, e-mail or other electronic communications device, including IM services, to stalk or harass a person."

Cyberstalkers usually target their victims through chat rooms, message boards, discussion forums and e-mail. Cyberstalking takes many forms such as: threatening or obscene e-mail; spamming (in which a stalker sends a victim a multitude of junk e-mail); live chat harassment or flaming (online verbal abuse); leaving improper messages on message boards or in guest books; sending electronic viruses; sending unsolicited e-mail; and electronic identity theft.

Online stalking can be a terrifying experience for victims, placing them at risk for psychological trauma and possible physical harm. Cyberstalking shares important characteristics with offline stalking. Many stalkers - online or off - are motivated by a desire to exert control over their victims and engage in similar types of behavior to accomplish this end. In many documented cyberstalking cases, the cyberstalker and the victim had a prior relationship, and the cyberstalking began when the victim attempted to break off the relationship.

Many cyberstalking situations do evolve into off-line stalking, and a victim may experience abusive and excessive phone calls, vandalism, threatening or obscene mail, trespassing, and physical assault.

Experts suggest that in cases where the offender is known, victims should send the stalker a clear written warning. Specifically, victims should communicate that the contact is unwanted, and ask the perpetrator to cease sending communications of any kind. Then, no matter the response, victims should under no circumstances ever communicate with the stalker again.

As soon as you suspect you are experiencing online harassment or cyberstalking, start collecting all evidence and document all contact made by the stalker. Save all e-mail, postings, or other communications in both electronic and hard-copy form. Record the dates and times of any contact with the stalker. If the harassment continues, you may wish to file a complaint with the stalker's Internet service provider, as well as with you own service provider.

Finally, under no circumstances should victims agree to meet with the perpetrator face to face to "work it out," or "talk." No contact should ever be made with the stalker. Meeting a stalker in person can be very dangerous.

from - about.com