Friday, September 08, 2006

Computer Spying: Some Good Reasons To Do So

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Relationships are constantly being tested and destroyed by sexual affairs that start from online conversations. If you have high suspicions of an Internet affair, finding out the truth before more action is taken is extremely important.

Legitimate Reasons for Spying
1. Children may be exposed to pornography and may develop unhealthy attitudes towards sex and women. Materials unsuitable for children-pornography, racism, bomb making instructions, descriptions of violence and sites that promote alcohol, gambling, smoking and drug use-can easily be found on the internet.

2. Spying to regain trust in yourself.
Noticing changes in your partner's behaviour, sensing something different probably made you confront him/her about this. Once confronted, a cheater's first answer usually is denial. A part of you wants to belive your partner but another part of you knows the truth. To deny this part of you, which knows the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil. If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you know at least that you can trust yourself. You are not crazy!! Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.

3. Spying to maintain contact with your partner.
You feel your partner moving away from you. You dont talk as much as you used to. (Spying is a way to know about your partner's life, interests, desires.) You probably feel you dont know him/her anymore. You need to maintain contact with this stranger who once was well known. You miss the connection and try to find some way to maintain the ties.

4. You want to know where you stand in your relationship and how to deal with it.
You want to know the truth. You suspect something is wrong and you have to know exactly what. You want to know how serious is that problem. You know that is difficult maintaining your sanity when you dont know what you have to face. You are not willing to stand and wait. You are a person of action. You want to work out your relationship one way or another. You want to get on with your life. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.
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5. Spying to protect yourself medically.
You need to know when a third party is sexually brought into your relationship. Online sexual activities may be followed by physical contact with others, with a highly risk of acquiring HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases. Your partner might feel too guilty or ashamed to inform you of the medical dangers. Its about your health and you have to know.

6. Protecting yourself legally in case of separation.
You need to take protective steps if you feel your relationship might end. An affair implies lying, betrayal and deception emotionally aswell as financially or in other areas of the relationship. With the "evidence" you have you can protect yourself legally if you take it to the court. Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. If you are thinking of separating from your spouse means you suffered enough emotionally and you need to take the steps to protect yourself against other damage this relationship might cause you.
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7. Secrets destroy relationships.
Keeping a secret has a strong impact on the person suspecting it as well as on the person keeping it. Feelings of guilt, shame and all the measures that need to be taken to keep the secret can cause serious emotional damage.

A secret can interfere in someone's life in various ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things. Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load.

You want to spy because you don't want to live with a secret.

You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a full life.

8. Spying to spice up our life.
Sometimes we need an adrenaline rush to make our life interesting. We create scenarios about emotional triangles, or we live it just to spice things up. Maybe one of the reasons for an affair is this adrenaline rush. Or, you may spy to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.
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Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?
It is well known how many cheaters react when they are "caught in the act". Outrage can be intense:

"How dare you? I never thought you'd degrade yourself to that level! How could i trust you if you go behind my back like that? This is none of your business. Now you know it is your fault! Dont be surprised if one day i'll be gone! How could i love anyone that would do something like that to me???" and so on...

Usually the person having the affair does not see or will not admit the duplicity of his/her clandestine behavior. The cheater make you feel like the evil one, the one who destroyed your relationship with spying. It is not right, but having an affair or keeping a secret is much worse. Were you the one destroying the trust or the intergrity of your relationship by spying? No, of course not! The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the affair. the lack of trust came from him/her keeping a secret.

The affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made. The affair invaded your relationship and damaged every part of it little by little. Spying does not destroy the relationship, it is an attempt to find out the truth and resolve the pain and deception, to attain health and sanity.
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Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. We need to find the truth. Only the truth can help us regain trust in ourselves, our relationship, our life.

Are You Prepared for What You Might Find?

Have you thought about what you might find spying? Can you imagine the worst thing you might discover? How would you handle that? Are you ready to handle the worst thing that could happen?

You can ask yourself a few questions to determine how prepared you are for what you might find:

1. Do I know what I might face? Have I educated myself to handle affairs, even the worst ones? Do I know what I have to do to get thought the crisis? Can I maintain my calm and not get lost in destructive thoughts and feelings?

2. How do I usually deal with emotional pain? How have I handled it in the past? If it gets unbearable, do I have a therapist to contact immediately and see soon to help me through the difficult times?

3. Do I have friends or family to morally support me if I discover the worst? Have I told them I might need them? Do they know exactly how they can help?

4. Do I have a strategy for what I might find? Do I have a strategy for different scenarios? Do I have a plan to confront or not confront my spouse? How, when, where, under what circumstances will I confront him/her?

5. Do I have a strategy for protecting myself? What will I need to do to keep myself functioning somewhat effectively?

6. Is there someone I can count on to be objective, who can help me develop strategies and goals for confrontation and self-care and keep me focused and working on these strategies and goals?
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Spying is Not Revenge

You spy because you want to know the truth, because you want to get on with your life, because you want to be free! Dont use what you find as ammunition for revenge. Revenge would question your integrity as a person, would lower your personal standards. There is nothing to gain with revenge.

Of course, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, don't act them out. It would only make you feel as low as they are.

You spy because the truth will set your free. You spy because you want to be free from all the doubts, all the secrets, all the disappointment. You have to set your focus on you in that difficult time, so you can break free from the affair quicker. the sooner the two of you can face each other without any other influence, the better of you and your relationship will be.

You dont have to share new found information with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. It is just between you and your spouse. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.
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If you pursue legal action, any information obtained though spying might be helpful to your attorney. Having "evidence" does have some impact in particular states or districts.

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