Stop Trolling!! Married Means M-A-R-R-I-E-D

(This gem was posted on Craigslist.com and was so good, we are reposting here for all the victims and spouses (even those in denial) of online cheaters &  cyberpaths - EOPC)

Married means married, Moron

It's getting to the point where I can't even read those stupid personal ads anymore, not even for fun.

They're loaded with married people, bitching about their spouses, and looking for something "better".

I've got a few things to tell you:

1. "She" is not the reason your marriage sucks. YOU are.

If you spent half as much time paying attention to your wife as you do trolling CraigsList (or other sites) for sex, your marriage would be a whole lot better.
2. Yeah, yeah, we've all heard it a thousand times. You're in a sexless marriage.

First of all, that's probably a lie, because most cheaters are liars too. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, pal- if your wife isn't interested in sex, it's because you're not offering sex that's interesting. Married guys get awfully boring after a while. They do the same boring thing the same boring way every single time and then -- they expect you to scream like a porn star.

Seriously, you come home from work, totally ignore her while she chases the kids around for 4 hours, makes dinner, does the laundry, blah blah blah, and then you expect her to roll over with her legs open for another session of same-old same-old? When are you idiots going to learn that the best foreplay in the world for a woman is watching you take care of the kids, vacuum the floor, pick up the dog poo in the backyard. Or how about just listening when she talks? You know, it's not that hard to stop thinking about yourself for five minutes and hear what she has to say.

Think about it - way back when, when you were getting your brains ****ed out on a regular basis - what were YOU doing differently than you're doing now? Planning dates, telling her she looked nice, acting like you're happy to be with her? A thousand dollars says if you do that stuff again you'll get the same result.

3. Spare us. Your kids are NOT the reason you're staying married. If you were THAT miserable, you'd leave whether you had kids or not. If you're not getting a divorce it's because YOU DON'T WANT TO. For whatever reason.

At least be honest and don't try to feed people that tired line about staying married for the kids. Contrary to what you think, it doesn't make you look like a poor suffering but honorable victim. You obviously don't care enough about your kids to treat their mother with enough respect not to cheat on her, and you don't care about them enough to spend time with THEM instead of some vulnerable woman who falls for your carefully constructed lies, so cut it out with that crap. (BTW - did you even BOTHER to tell her you're MARRIED with KIDS?)

There is absolutely nothing honorable about putting your **** ahead of your kids. If you really really cared about them, you would get offline put ALL your time and effort and money into saving the one thing that means most to them in the whole world - your marriage and their family. Otherwise you're full of crap.
4. We all know how bored you are. Poor you, someone should really come along to entertain you.

What are you, 12 years old? If you're bored with your marriage, it's because YOU'RE BORING, and have you ever stopped to think that if you're bored, she probably is too? But instead of throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, she's at home cleaning out the lint trap on the dryer and washing kool-aid off the kitchen floor. Yeah, she's having a riot washing your underwear and cleaning up cat puke.

Marriage is hard work. Heck, life is hard work. Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself. You supposedly have a brain, USE it. Put some thought into your marriage and some effort into your life and stop blaming her and being a baby because life isn't fun.

5. You're looking for someone "younger."

Sure you are. You think you look the same as you did when you got married? I'd bet not. Even if you do, you haven't spent the last 10 years having babies (the ones YOU wanted) and sacrificing your body for them. The next time you have to have someone stitch your ***hole together because you just pushed a watermelon out of your butt, then you can squawk. If you ever spend 9 months with your belly stretched to obscene proportions, and manage to look exactly the same as you used to 6 weeks later, then you can whine about how "she's not attractive anymore." Until then, shut the **** up.

You have no concept of what she has sacrificed to give you the children you "claim" to love. You really think she wants varicose veins and stretch marks and a distended belly and saggy boobs? Get real. What she wants is a man who understands and values WHY she has varicose veins and stretch marks and a distended belly and saggy boobs. She wants a man who loves her because she was willing to make those sacrifices with her own body because she loves HIM. Instead, you criticize and go running off with the first perky 25 year old who gives you the time of day. (or the first vulnerable woman who's being ignored by her man or is vulnerable enough in some way that her b.s. radar is damaged while you put the NLP whamma-jamma on her and say "I love you" just get her to spread her legs for you.) Ugh.

6. And finally, if you're cheating on your wife, there's something wrong with YOU.

If you're not happy with your marriage, exactly how do you think screwing some sl*t you barely know is going to fix that? Exactly how is that going to make anyone happy? Have you ever actually heard of adultery or an online affair working out really well for everyone involved? Are you actually stupid enough to think that you're going to be the exception to that rule? If so, you are delusional and you need professional help.

Affairs are disasters - not some of the time; not most of the time; ALL OF THE TIME. Your guilt and trying to cover your tracks will drive you crazy. Someone WILL find out. You will NOT be able to keep up the lies and the deception. And it will all lead up to a disaster of epic proportions, which leads me to Lucky #7.

7. Here‘s what you can expect in the wake of your little ****-fest:

Divorce - this is where you lose everything- your wife, your house, half your income and possessions, possibly your job if you're stupid enough to be screwing around with a co-worker, your kids - EVERYTHING. You will LOSE IT ALL.

Exposure - this is where everyone finds out what a scumbag you are. And they WILL find out. Your boss, your co-workers, your friends, your family, HER family, your neighbors, the parents of your kids‘ friends, everyone at your church. They WILL find out. Why? Because your now ex-wife and/ or ex-girlfriend(s) will tell them. She will probably tell everyone she knows, and everyone you know, and she will feel good doing it. Consider yourself lucky if she doesn't rent a billboard.

Oh, and DON'T try to paint yourself as the 'victim' of jealous or obsessed or scorned women. We all know that's a lie, too.

You lied to your wife and your probably lying to all your girlfriends as well as lying about one to the other. Otherwise, all bets are off. Be prepared.

Your Kids - this is where you totally lose the respect of your kids, and you deserve to lose it. They will realize in pretty short order that you didn't care enough about them to keep your pants on. They will see their mother cry and they will hate you for it. They will end up shuttling back and forth between their home and your apartment, and they will hate you for it. Every time they have to tell someone that their parents are divorced, they will hate you for it.

And God forbid you decide to "introduce" them to your shiny new soulmate/ ****buddy; they will REALLY hate you for that. If your kids are really young, you have a little time before all this hits the fan, but be warned, it's coming. They will forever see you as the moron who broke up or disrupted their family. Even if you stick around - they will know that you can't be trusted, that you are weak and immoral and selfish. And they'll figure it out all by themselves, even if you never talk to them about it. Because your kids are smarter than you are at this point.

And when your new "soulmate" figures out your real agenda, bend over and kiss it goodbye. If all she does is "expose you" after she finds out you ripped her heart out at the root - you should thank her not smear her. It's nothing less than what you asked for.

So, go ahead and whine your pathetic nonsense about how you're a victim and your wife is a horrible shrew. Do your best to convince yourself and everyone around you that you didn't have any choice and your wife "drove you to it." Start with the rationalizations and justifications now; you're going to need a lot of them.

Remember that the best defense is a good offense and start a mental list of all the ways your wife is deficient. Make sure to re-write the history of your marriage so that you can say that you were miserable from the first day. You should have married that OTHER girl (who probably dumped your sorry ***)

Be sure to tell your wife that you love her, you're just not "in love" with her anymore. Deal with your guilt by lashing out at everyone around you.

Above all, take ZERO responsibility for any problems YOU may have that caused you to be such a spineless loser in the first place.

Congratulations, you've just joined the Adulterers Club!

Study Shows Over 30% of Internet Dating Site Users are Married

Study Shows Over 30% of Internet Dating Site Users are Married
Newly launched PrivateDateFinder.com is the first and only dating site where you can find romance without anyone else knowing. The site offers a unique way to conceal both how you pay as well as eliminating all the tracks you leave behind. The result is confidential purchases and the comfort of knowing your activities remain private.

(Monarch Bay, CA.) – First Privacy Financial, LLC. announces the launch of www.PrivateDateFinder.com, the first and only dating site where you can find romance without anyone else knowing. The site offers a unique way to conceal both how you pay as well as eliminating all the tracks you leave behind. The result is confidential purchases and the comfort of knowing your activities remain private.

Research shows that over 30% of existing online date site members are either married or in relationships. However, no one has addressed this large segment who desire real privacy or those who never used online dating simply because they didn't want anyone else knowing. They simply do not want to get caught.

Jerry Klein, President / CEO of the First Privacy Financial said; “Private Date Finder offers a real solution to those who simply do not want anyone else to know they are using a dating site. In a USA Today poll an overwhelming 88% of respondents said they are concerned about their privacy and consider protecting it important. Now you can safely buy anything online and no one will know."

Private Date Finder includes free membership in EverPrivate, a proprietary patent pending web-based service that erases all your tracks from any PC without any downloaded software. Also included is a free prepaid PrivaCash MasterCard, a virtual Debit card issued instantly online that can be re-loaded at 35,000 retail locations.

Mr. Klein said; “We have partnered with Relationship Exchange to enable our members to have access to over 2 million existing online dating members from sites under their management. This provides Private Date Finder members a huge number of romance partners wherever they live, right from our launch. Sign-up is free and the EverPrivate features are available instantly.” 

(Why let a little thing like being married interfere with your dating?? - EOPC)

I Had an Emotional Affair

How "innocent" chats and e-mails nearly destroyed my marriage
by David Bauer

"Here." With tears streaming down her face, Dawn,* my wife of five years, stormed into my office at work and tossed a list on my desk. "I need you to stop at the grocery store on your way home. I have to pick up the kids." "What's wrong?" I approached her, but she waved me away. "You never talk to me, and you expect me to tell you what's wrong? Forget it!" "Dawn, please. Sit down and tell me why you're so upset." "Not here. Later." She left before I could argue further. I didn't try to stop her. Dawn knew. Somehow she'd discovered the secret I'd concealed for months. I'd fallen in love with another woman. Dawn and I had been high school sweethearts. I couldn't wait to marry her. But our marriage soon began to unravel. Close ties to her family, who lived nearby, constantly interfered with our time as a couple. Dawn didn't see the need to separate from her parents and put me first. She ran to them when we had a disagreement. If we went out for dinner and a movie, she invited them along.

Over time, I began to feel like a child waiting to join a kickball team, raising my hand and shouting, "Pick me! Pick me!" Jealousy grew, poisoning our marriage. In a heated argument one night, I demanded, "If I asked you to choose between me and your parents, whom would you choose?" Without speaking she answered my question. Four years into our marriage, Dawn and I had drifted apart. I'd grown weary of being rejected, emotionally and sexually. Her excuses for refusing my sexual advances ranged from fatigue to lack of interest. One night in bed, I massaged her back and legs, knowing it was a turn on to her. She responded with a perfunctory kiss on the lips. "Not tonight, David. Maybe tomorrow." She rolled over and went to sleep, leaving me dejected and hurt. Before long we were having sex only once every couple months. I envied my married friends who described frequent, healthy sexual relationships. As my resentment grew, I began to wonder what I'd ever loved about Dawn.
A change of scene
Needing a change, I enrolled in a local community college. I met Stephanie my first semester. We attended several classes together. I learned her father worked for the same company I did, and Stephanie and I both had a child the same age. She was stuck in an unsatisfying relationship with her live-in boyfriend; I was disillusioned in my marriage. We connected instantly, sharing long conversations over lunch, in-between classes, and sometimes even during class. Second semester, Stephanie and I didn't have any classes together. Deprived of the opportunity to see and talk with each other, we started to chat over the Internet. I also created a new e-mail account strictly for our correspondence. Our instant messaging began as a way to communicate during class, similar to the way I'd passed notes as a kid.

But the sessions grew more frequent, and soon I was chatting while at my job and late at night while doing homework. Our physical separation provided a false sense of security when our conversations and e-mails turned gradually more flirtatious. Stephanie stood out from other women I knew. She was free spirited-intelligent, funny, and carefree. But most important, she was attentive and non-judgmental. As our friendship grew, so did my romantic feelings. Inside, though, I was conflicted. Though I knew I was breaking my vows, I felt Dawn's rejection justified my feelings for Stephanie. I often cried out to God through journaling and poetry. I knew he'd forgive me if I repented. But at the same time, I blamed God for allowing my marriage to fall apart. And frankly, I wasn't ready to repent.

The great divide
Sensing the growing chasm between us, Dawn sought ways to spend more time together, clearing her calendar of events planned weeks in advance. She made certain we ate supper together and cooked my favorite foods. I stubbornly resisted her efforts. "How was your day?" she'd ask when I came home from work. "Fine," I'd reply, then ignore her. Although I knew I should work on my marriage, I was still angry about Dawn's loyalty to her parents and her sexual rejection of me. I wanted to hurt her as badly as she'd hurt me. Months earlier I'd planned a romantic, 5th-anniversary trip to Cancun. As my relationship with Stephanie intensified, so did my desire to get out of the trip. One week before we were to leave, Dawn and I had a heated argument. "We may as well cancel our trip to Cancun," I said. "I don't want to waste the time or money when all we do is fight."

Shocked, Dawn began to sob. I cancelled our reservations the next day. Four weeks passed. One day at work an instant message from Stephanie popped onto my screen. "I need to tell you something, but I don't know how." Replying back, I urged, "You can share anything with me." "It's really personal and I don't want to look foolish." "Okay," I said, "if it makes you feel better, send me an e-mail." Sure she was going to confide her feelings toward me, I logged onto my e-mail account. I read her message, savoring every word. "The last several weeks have been great," she wrote. "I know you're married, which makes this a lot harder." My heart pounded in my chest as I read on. "I've realized I have feelings for you. I often imagine what it would be like to kiss you." Elated, I replied back, "Me too." For the first time in months, I felt needed and wanted. I looked forward with anticipation to kissing Stephanie. A few weeks later, at a remote picnic spot, we shared our first kiss. My heart said I'd found paradise; my head screamed, What are you doing? Although we never progressed past kissing, each time we kissed the pull to go further strengthened.

As I continued to withdraw from Dawn, she became angry. "You touch that laptop more than you touch me," she complained. "Welcome to my world," I muttered, remembering her sexual rejections. "David, I've tried. Won't you ever forgive me?" "You've pushed me away for years. It's too late to fix things." I thought about Stephanie, how she gave me the attention I craved. She soothed my wounded ego with compliments and love notes, filling a void in my heart. I began to believe she was my soul mate. I was in love.

Walking a tightrope
Late one night I was instant messaging Stephanie, when Dawn sat up in bed. "What are you working on?" "Homework," I replied. A message from Stephanie popped up, and I quickly minimized it. "What was that?" Dawn asked. Adrenaline rushed through my body. "An Internet advertisement." I knew my sneaking around was wrong. I buried myself in work and school, no longer wanting to be home. Fearing my relationship with Stephanie would be discovered, I limited my contact with family and church friends. I knew I should end things between us, but I wasn't strong enough. Six weeks had passed since Stephanie and I admitted our feelings for each other. One night after skipping class to be with her, I returned home to receive a call from Alex, a family friend. He asked if I'd meet with him. "I've seen changes in you," Alex told me when we got together. "Your priorities have shifted. You're investing far more time in school and your friends there than in your wife and son." He proceeded to share how, as a young husband and father of three, he'd cheated on his wife with a female college instructor. "David, I can see my past living out in you." For some reason I confessed my relationship with Stephanie, and that I was ready to leave Dawn and our son, Drew, for her. Alex listened patiently, making one request—that I allow him to arrange for Dawn and me to meet with a marriage counselor. I promised I'd think about it.

Secrets revealed
The next day, Dawn confronted me in my office. Alex must have told Dawn about Stephanie. I stewed as I drove home from work that night, bracing myself for the confrontation to come. How dare Alex tell Dawn! When I arrived home Dawn's face was puffy and tear-stained as she prepared supper. After an uncomfortably silent dinner, I tucked Drew into bed. Walking downstairs, I found Dawn sitting on the couch, waiting. I sat on the floor and said, "Is there anything you want to ask me?" "Who is she?" Dawn asked. "How long has this been going on?" I told her Stephanie's name and that we'd been involved for six or seven weeks. "Do you love her?" "I think so," I admitted. "I'm not sure I can end the relationship. How did you find out?" Dawn started to cry. "Alex told Mom and Dad. When I stopped by their house this afternoon, Mom was crying. They didn't want to tell me what was wrong, but I guessed." It figures, I thought angrily. Once again Dawn's parents had come between us. I felt I was on trial as I confessed everything—that I'd become emotionally involved with Stephanie through e-mails and instant messaging, and that the affair was on the verge of becoming sexual. I hoped Dawn would give up on us. Since I didn't have the courage to end our marriage, I wanted her to do it.

When I revealed that Stephanie's mother attended the same woman's group as Dawn, her control snapped. "What?" she yelled. "It's her?" Eyes flashing with anger, she ran to the basement. Grabbing a plastic baseball bat, she beat it against the stacks of Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes. "You're nothing but a liar!" she wailed loud enough for me to hear her upstairs. "How could you betray me like this?" I stood in the kitchen, torn between anger and shame. You drove me to it, I thought bitterly. You chose your parents over me, so I chose Stephanie over you. Dawn finally came upstairs, red-eyed and exhausted. "What are you going to do?" she asked. "I don't know." "I'm willing to work through this," she said. "But it's your decision. Either you end your relationship with Stephanie, or it's the end of our marriage."

The next five days were the darkest I've ever experienced. My secret was out. Our family and church friends knew what I'd done. Inside me, a spiritual battle raged. I replayed the notes, the cards, the conversations, and the physical attraction that drew me to Stephanie. Though ashamed, I didn't want the fantasy to end. A few days later I received a letter from a respected friend. I wept as I read her loving admonishment. "I fear that if you turn your back on Dawn and Drew, you'll forever be haunted by deep regrets and wounds that will never heal completely. Yes, God forgives, but we must bear the 'blisters of the heart.'" I wept most of that night. Dawn stayed with me, comforting me. The next day I knew what I had to do. I e-mailed Stephanie that I'd decided to work out things with Dawn and was ending the relationship. "Please don't contact me anymore," was my final statement. Stephanie responded angrily. "I wish you'd made that decision earlier so I didn't end up hurting people I care for!" Two days later Dawn and I entered marital counseling. As we talked, I was able to make Dawn understand how deeply she'd hurt me. "I felt as if you loved your parents more than me," I confessed. "I'm so tired of feeling rejected. So I decided it was less painful if I pulled away from you." "I'm sorry I made you feel that way," she replied. "I'm completely committed to fixing our marriage, whatever the cost." As we worked to bridge the distance between us, physical love became a catalyst for our healing. "I need to be close to you," Dawn told me. "I feel as if we're becoming one again."
While it took just weeks for my heart to stray, restoring our marriage took much longer. At times I questioned if staying with Dawn had been the right decision. When we fought, I'd recall the good times Stephanie and I had shared, and I was tempted to pick up the phone or e-mail her. Dawn had doubts as well. "I still don't trust you 100 percent," she confessed nearly two years later. "Sometimes when we fight I wonder if you're still sneaking around." More than five years have passed. Rather than involving her parents in our disputes, Dawn now seeks counsel from two women. They help her see when she's right, when she's wrong, and how to grow in her role as a wife. Though my job requires that I correspond with colleagues, male and female, through e-mail and instant messaging, I limit my conversations to work-related topics. If a conversation drifts to a personal tone, I end it. I also meet with six other men to share, study, and pray on Sunday mornings. As Dawn and I continue to rebuild trust, we're committed to being honest about our feelings and thoughts and with each other.

* names have been changed David Bauer is a pseudonym for an author living in Minnesota.

(EOPC DOES NOT AGREE with always cutting off the 'other woman' who was truly a pawn in all this - 'David' could have taken a break from Stephanie, and worked to reframe their friendship after working on his marriage. Though some therapists say cut it off - it makes life MUCH TOO EASY for the cyberpath & traumatizes the victims (often the spouse/ partner AND the other woman). We don't agree.

Considering he & Stephanie never physically consummated things - and that Stephanie was very supportive to him - it also ends what could be a decent friendship. The current advice of just 'cutting it off' is turning out to be more harm than help psychologically to victims. And far too easy for the predator. Especially for the other 'person' who is often a pawn or target. 'David' could have introduced the 2 women eventually if he wanted - and worked on his marriage while making appropriate amends to Stephanie. Stephanie got hurt and used, and now this writer is talking about how great it all was for him to save his marriage. While saving the marriage was a good thing, where does that leave the 3rd person? Something's not right.... Our 10 cents - EOPC)

SOME OF OUR 'EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS' Click and scroll through all the posts to read everything on each of these: - Doug Beckstead - Dan Jacoby - Keith Clive - Brad Dorsky; Jeff Dunetz aka YidwithLid - Steven Langley Guy

INFIDELITY ON THE INTERNET

Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal

by Marlene M. Maheu, Rona Subotnik

From Publishers Weekly
"Cybering," slang for virtual sex online, appears to be the dark secret of the Internet, and it is creating havoc in the real world of relationships. The ease with which people can find partners for sex a quick computer search can yield hundreds of opportunities, in chat rooms or on porn sites and the apparent safety of anonymous encounters has tempted huge numbers of people to cheat on their mates.

According to mental health professionals Maheu and Subotnik (Surviving Infidelity), a large-scale study in 2000 reported that an estimated 20% of Internet users engage in online sexual activity, and two-thirds of them are married or in a committed relationship. The many cybersex practitioners given voice here demonstrate wide-ranging viewpoints about what constitutes infidelity. People cruise cyberspace for brief sex with strangers or for lengthy affairs.

Some believe cybersex is a harmless fantasy, while others acknowledge the harmful consequences that discovery brings and express profound regret. Testimonies of cybering adventures solicited through a self-help Web site elucidate the different motivations that drive people to have cybersex and the obsessive-compulsive behavior that can develop among habitual users.

Expressing zero tolerance for people who minimize the consequences of cyberinfidelity, the authors present a program for kicking the habit and rebuilding a damaged relationship after an online romance has been revealed. Although they allow for the possibility that in a climate of openness and honesty, extramarital cybering might be a nonthreatening, permissible form of Internet recreation, their argument that cyber-infidelity is often damaging and addictive is convincing.

Forecast: If cybering is as widespread as the authors suggest, the audience for this book could be sizable. But do cheaters actually purchase books on cheating?

original article here

ONLINE DATING ATTRACTS MARRIED FOLKS

ONLINE DATING VIRTUALLY IRRESISTIBLE TO SOME MARRIED FOLKS
Oh, what a tangled Web is weaved as rapidly growing numbers of married people sneak into Internet chat rooms for romantic or sexual thrills they think they aren't getting from their spouses, a new University of Florida study finds.

"Never before has the dating world been so handy for married men and women looking for a fling,"said Beatriz Avila Mileham, who conducted the research for her doctoral dissertation in counselor education at UF. "With cybersex, there is no longer any need for secret trips to obscure motels. An online liaison may even take place in the same room with one's spouse."

In the words of one 41-year-old man in the study, "All I have to do is turn on my computer, and I have thousands of women to choose from. (It) can't get any easier than that."

Counseling organizations report chat rooms and instant messaging are the fastest-rising cause of relationship breakdowns, and the problem only stands to get worse as today's population of Internet users, estimated at 649 million worldwide, continues to grow, Mileham said.

"The Internet will soon become the most common form of infidelity, if it isn't already," she said.

Unlike some fatal attractions, a simple click of a mouse button ends contact - should the person want to break it off - without any explanations or apologies, she said.

In 2002, Mileham conducted in-depth online interviews with 76 men and 10 women, ages 25 to 66, who used Yahoo's "Married and Flirting" or Microsoft's "Married But Flirting," Internet chat rooms geared specifically for married people. The study's participants, who represented every state, included stay-at-home mothers, construction workers, engineers, nurses and presidents of large corporations.

Some went online for a quick "sex fix," while others established more meaningful connections where they talked about personal problems, marital issues and things like that, Mileham said. Others hoped to have a real-life affair. Still others wanted to engage in cybersex, exchanging sexual fantasies with someone while masturbating, she said.


The vast majority said they loved their spouses but sought an erotic encounter online because of boredom, a partner's lack of sexual interest or the need for variety and fun, Mileham said.

"I'm not going to cheat," wrote one married man. "I'm just capturing back some of those butterflies we feel when we're young and start flirting and dating."

"The No. 1 complaint from men was lack of sex in the marriage," Mileham said. "Many of them said their wife was so involved in childrearing that she wasn't interested in having sex."

Because there is no touching involved in online chat conversations, married people often rationalize their behavior as harmless fun, Mileham said. Eighty-three percent of the study's participants said they did not consider themselves to be cheating, and the remaining 17 percent deemed it a "weak" form of infidelity that was easily justifiable, she said.

Other research has shown, however, that most spouses feel as betrayed, angry and hurt by online infidelity as they would if skin-to-skin adultery had taken place, she said.

The UF study found an escalating quality to these online contacts. Many reported that what started as innocent, friendly exchanges progressed quickly to strong desires for sexual relationships, she said.

Twenty-six of the 86 study participants went on to meet the person whom they had been engaged in an online relationship with, and of these, all but two ended up having a real-life affair. One 66-year-old man ended up having 13 affairs this way, she said.

Research shows that more males than females use chat rooms, said Mileham, who found it difficult to get women to respond to her survey. Females are usually bombarded with messages and can pick and choose which messages they respond to, she said.

Al Cooper, a leading expert in the field of Internet sexuality and the author of the book "Sex and the Internet: A Guidebook for Clinicians," said Mileham's research is important in helping to understand this increasingly common phenomenon.

"We are hearing from therapists around the country reporting online sexual activity to be a major cause of marital problems," Cooper said. "We need to better understand the contributing factors if we are going to be able to warn people about the slippery slope that starts with online flirting and too often ends in divorce."

With the exception of two of the study's participants, all hid their online activities from their spouses, often "chatting" after their husbands or wives had gone to sleep, Mileham said. But some used this form of effortless escapism while their spouse was in the room, she said.

Said one such man, "While I'm on the computer my wife just assumes I'm writing a report for work." Another man said his wife, who knew what he was doing and didn’t like it, looked over his shoulder sometimes while he was typing, Mileham said.

Much of the Internet's appeal to married people is the anonymity it guarantees, coupled with the no-touching aspect, which they view as a license to be sexual, Mileham said. One can reveal the most intimate emotional and sexual details to an unseen stranger at any time of the day or night, she said.

Several participants indicated they divulged more about themselves to online partners than to their wives or husbands.

"We started chatting about life, our marriage, what we like to eat, what sexual positions we like the best," wrote one man to Mileham. "I felt like I've known her in another life."

Mileham believes the time has come for the Internet to become as essential a part of pre-marital discussions as is whether or not to have children. "To prevent future problems, young couples, as well as long-term committed couples, need to talk about what role the Internet will play in their relationship."

- Cathy Keen

THIS WOULD NOT BE AN ISSUE IF THIS WAS IN PLACE!! CLICK HERE

ONLINE: THE NEW INFIDELITY

ONLINE: THE NEW INFIDELITY

In recent years, infidelity has begun root in new ways, due to the advent and growth of the Internet and the entry of women into professions once dominated by men. Many experts are noticing that both in the workplace and on the Internet, "a new crisis of infidelity" is unfolding. The new type of infidelity involves people who do not seek out extramarital affairs, but are unintentionally moving beyond platonic friendships to romantic involvements.

Maheu and Subotnik (2001) explain that the Internet provides an escape in the form of cybersex and so-called "virtual infidelity" to millions of people who do not know how to improve their difficult or unsatisfying relationships or whose religious beliefs do not permit divorce.

"They may find themselves financially, geographically or emotionally stuck. Whatever their reasons, they seem to be hungering for easy access to companionship and sex"

The Internet has made it fast and easy to find and connect with others, and it's the ideal medium for secretive relationships. For those who seek it, infidelity is just a few clicks away.

"Cyber-infidelity occurs when a partner in a committed relationship uses the computer or the Internet to violate promises, vows or agreements concerning his or her sexual exclusivity" (Maheu and Subotnik, 2001, p. 10).

"Beware of the lure of the Internet" where "affairs develop quickly" and inhibitions are instantly lowered and infidelity seems "innocent."

Glass highlights the following three key characteristics of a relationship that crosses the line from harmless platonic friendship to deeper emotional attachment and infidelty:

"1) greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship,
2) secrecy and deception from the spouse, and
3) sexual chemistry."

Extramarital involvements based on a deep emotional bond can be as painful for the betrayed spouse as a sexual infidelity. However, experts generally agree that affairs that include both extramarital infidelity and a meaningful emotional bond are the most disruptive.

original article found here

TELLTALE SIGNS OF AN ONLINE AFFAIR

(EOPC commends this author for stating WHY some people get involved in online affairs. So all you CYBERPATHS who come to this blog via proxies, etc [yes we see you!!! and we have ways to uncloak your proxies] who say that your victims either 'knew what they were doing' or 'went in with their eyes open' or 'knew it was all a game' - we all know you're full of it! Excuses for your predatory behavior hold no sway here.

Until a cyberpath admits, owns and makes restitution for their predatory and/or harassing behaviors towards their victims, we will continue to hold them fully accountable! - EOPC)


by David Kramer

So you think your spouse or partner is having an online affair? The first question item to rule out is whether the source of these concerns is due to jealousy or some external factor you are just unable to reconcile. Keep in mind, an unhealthy and controlling jealousy or emotionally abusive relationship is often enough to drive a person toward looking for an escape. Regardless of the root, the following will explain how you can know for sure if an affair is in progress.

Your relationship is important and there is the expectation of trust and fidelity. Just as one needs to be trustworthy, you will need to be trusting. At the same time, you have the right to know if your spouse is being untrustworthy. This is a delicate balance no one can determine for you, you must weigh how far you are willing to go to require your spouse to prove he or she is trustworthy and at what point you are going to give that trust freely.

For some, this means trusting until the other proves to be untrustworthy. Others refuse to trust until all doubts are removed. Wherever you stand between these extremes, know that the following advice could push you in an irreversible direction. Sometimes it may not be worth it to know things, for example your spouse or partner may not be cheating but you may find a different flaw you had rather not known about. Someone once said, "A great deal of what we see, depends on what we are looking for" so there is also the caution against making conclusions that result in every shred of evidence you find points in the direction you want it to though in reality is bias.

If you are willing to proceed, then simply start by asking your spouse or partner straight out. Assuming you know them, you should be able to judge by the reaction if there is reason for concern. If you do not know your spouse or the person has a great poker face, you have at least put that person on alert. The interesting thing about someone being on to you is that panic sets in and when people panic mistakes are made. Listen to your spouse over the next several weeks at this point. My father always taught me, "If you are going to lie, you better have a perfect memory." By listening, you give the cheating spouse or partner time to stumble and in doing so you obtain clues to help you dig deeper. (all our cyberpaths tripped up here. Just check how Dunetz/ Yidwithlid messed up for one example)

One problem to overcome is determining all the sources your spouse or partner has to gain online access. This could be work, a public library, an Internet cafe, and now even mobile devices. Detection was a lot easier when affairs happened on the home computer.

If you suspect your home computer is the issue there are a couple solutions. There are many keyboard sniffer (example: PC Pandora) programs available. Just open your favorite browser and search on keyboard sniffer. Versions are available for all types of computers and operating systems, Mac or PC, and many you can buy online, download and install immediately. These programs hide themselves on your computer and record every key pressed to a hidden file or remote computer. In the end, you have a complete log of what the person did and the evidence will speak for itself.

Using a keyboard sniffer can be effective, but just as there are tools to spy or pry in this manner, there are also equivalent tools to detect if this is happening. Most cheaters think they wont get caught and are likely to become sloppy at some point and lazy, especially if the affair has been going on for a while and no one has been caught yet.

The alt-tab flip maneuver is a clue. Sneak up on your spouse or partner one day to the point where you can see the monitor. Whether you saw what was on the screen or not, someone doing what they are not supposed to do will quickly try to cover up their sin. One way is to have multiple windows open that can be tabbed through quickly to cover up the window with the evidence. Quick, jerky, or jumpy motions to alter the screen contents are a give away that something is happening that the person does not want others to know about.

Smoke and mirrors. If the person is cheating on you, likely smoke and mirrors are being used to cover it up. Fight fire with fire. Install a real mirror or reflective surface that allows you to view what is on that monitor from other points in the room. It could be the glass window at nighttime, a shiny lamp fixture, or an actual mirror. Re-arrange the entire room to hide your intentions, but if you can position the monitor in a way where you can see what is on it without the spouse realizing it, they are less likely to use the alt-tab maneuver and you may end up seeing first hand what is going on.

Check for breadcrumbs. Look at the browser history to see where your spouse or partner has been going. Also look at the cookies that are stored on the machine. Cookies are small files that some websites use to enhance your browsing experience on their site. For example, when you click a check box that says, "Remember me", the website will create a cookie on your computer so the next time you visit, the website knows it is you. Determine what browser or browser your spouse is using (Internet Explorer, Safari, Firefox, and so on) and search for "how to view cookies" followed by your browser name.

The absence of cookies or history tells a story too. If your spouse is spending a lot of time on the web but there is no history or cookies, one must ask why. Unless the spouse is a privacy freak, most people do not regularly delete their cookies or history.

Disrupt their world. If the person is having an online affair, then that Internet connection is the lifeline to their ability to communicate. How does your spouse respond when that connection is lost? Not sure, then make it go away. There are a lot of ways you can do this. Unplug the DSL or Cable modem, if you are using a router block the ports that are typically used for mail or by chat rooms, forget to pay the bill and have service completely stop.

If there is an affair this will cause a reaction. It may even push the person to use alternate methods of keeping in contact with the third wheel, and given it is a panic situation your spouse is more likely to slip up in doing so. The problem remains with devices outside the home.

Most employers frown on using corporate assets for recreational use, or affairs. It costs them money when their machines are hauled into court for interrogation, not to mention it is embarrassing. Fortunately, most large companies have installed software to prevent browsing and chatting with services typically used by the cyberlove world. A little social engineering, you can contact your Spouse's or partner's Company and act like a student conducting an interview for a research paper and ask them if they use such software and how they prevent employees from using work resources for things like cheating.

If there are no controls, ultimately it should surface in the form of performance so, it is just a matter of time. Meanwhile, you can isolate other online sources like phones, cyber cafes, and even library use by careful accounting. This takes time and more investigative work, but remember there is always a paper trail.

If you are using the Internet you should also be using a router. If you are not, you have all the reasons in the world to get one, security, ability to share the connection with more than one computer, and the ability to log ingoing and outgoing traffic (or to stop types of traffic to create a panic situation). Monitor the traffic.

Watch the phone bills, the data transfer and text messaging, and the credit cards. If the spouse has started using other devices or services, they'll show up in the billing. If you do not typically see these things, offer to be a better spouse or wanting to learn how to managing the household accounting and finances better to gain access. You will either obtain the ability to track through the flow of money, or be denied access to the information. If you are denied access, the question is why? As a spouse you need access to the finances in order to protect yourself in the event something happens to your spouse physically.

Financial software, like Quicken or Microsoft Money is great tools to help you account for every penny coming in and going out. If you cannot account for where it is going, then you at least have data to establish patterns. How much cash is being used? How frequently, and on what days is it being withdrawn? There are still always ways to hide money coming in so you might not fully seal up this hole, but at least you have narrowed the window of opportunity and made it more difficult for your spouse to cheat which may create the stress needed to cause the slip up that results in the surfacing of the truth.

Libraries often require some form of identification to use the public computers. On the days you suspect your spouse may be going to the library for a rendezvous, make sure that identification stays home one way or another (typically by removing it from a purse or wallet). It may generate questions as how or why the I.D. ended up misplaced, but the pressure is on.

A cheating spouse will often feel distant from their committed spouse. They will feel guilt and anxiety, and have to work hard at covering things up. You cannot always say that a cheating spouse will show no or less attention; for example a cheating spouse may end up suddenly sending more flowers or gifts. Relationships take effort and people often show their affection with gift giving. So if you suddenly receive flowers, check up on them. How much did they cost? Maybe your flowers are intended to hide a purchase at a florist where two sets of flowers were bought, yet you only have one. Did your last gift really cost what it says it cost in on the credit card statement or check book? More sex?

No one wants to be cheated on, and most people if you ask will say they do not want to be a cheater. Cheating happens for one reason, hardness of heart. Normal people do not go into a relationship with plans to cheat. They are in love and intend to remain faithfully committed to their spouse.

The question to ask is what causes that devoted spouse to harden those feelings and emotions and ultimately give way to cheating either by seeking out someone or because someone sought him/her and met a missing need.

The best thing is to work together to guard against hardened hearts and emotional or mental abuse so the signs never have chance to be erected.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

RELATED ARTICLES:

SECOND LIFE ONLINE AFFAIRS

ONLINE AFFAIR LEADS TO MURDER

THOUGHTS FROM THE VICTIMS OF CYBERPATHS

MARRIED MEANS M-A-R-R-I-E-D

OH THE THINGS CYBERPATHS SAY!

Online Affairs

by Peggy Vaughan

This new arena for affairs, although not initially involving physical contact, is highly-charged sexually. It involves the same kinds of thinking and emotions as other affairs—including the secrecy, fantasy and excitement, as well as the denial and rationalization—and it has the same potential for being devastating to the primary relationship.

Here's a typical scenario:

1. You spend more and more time Online.
Online interactions provide an "escape" from the realities of day-to-day living.
The fantasy world online can make the real world seem dull and boring.
The sheer numbers of people create unlimited potential for "newness."

2. You meet someone interesting Online.
You present the "best side" of your personality, and so do they.
You share confidences: hopes, fears, fantasies.
The intense sharing brings you closer and closer together.
You fantasize about being more than online friends.
You become infatuated with your "friend" and want more and more interaction.
You feel like you're "in love."

3. Your primary partner suspects/knows about your online friend.
You deny or rationalize about your online activity.
Your partner becomes more and more suspicious and threatened.
You ignore or deny the impact this is having on your partner.
Your partner learns more and is devastated by the situation.
You tell yourself that since there's no actual sex involved, it shouldn't matter.
You grow closer to your online friend and more distant from your partner.

4. You want to meet your online friend in person.
You feel like "soul-mates" or that you were "meant for each other."
You consider "risking it all" to see your online friend.
You either meet and engage in sex or you don't and feel like "star-crossed lovers."

5. Your life has been changed in ways you never intended.
Your online relationship ends-and your "real" one may end as well.

Reflections on this scenario:

The above scenario is so common as to allow for some general observations. First, any new connection is going to be exciting, but it may not be the particular person who makes the difference. The excitement has more to do with the "kind" of relationship than to the specific feelings about a "real" person. In any new relationship (whether or not it begins online), people present the best sides of themselves; it's not reflective of the whole person functioning in the real world.

Whatever loss you feel when the "Online Affair" ends is the loss of a "fantasy," not the real thing. All too often we think of "love" only as the initial "heady feelings of love." Falling in love (or "new love") produces some of the most intense feelings you will ever experience, but it doesn't last. While it may be a fantastic experience, much of the intensity of the feeling is inherent in its newness and novelty. Once a "fantasy" love takes on all the real-life responsibilities of a long-term relationship, the feelings either make the transition into the next, deeper stage of love, or they wither. So comparing the feelings in a new relationship with the feelings of a long-term marriage is like comparing apples and oranges.

As for the impact on the primary relationship, it's common to rationalize an online affair as being OK because it's "not really an affair." But it often has the potential for being as devastating to the partner as a sexual affair. (In fact, most people whose partners have a sexual affair find that they recover from the fact that their partner had sex with someone else before they recover from the fact that they were deceived.)

We like to think that deception is only involved when there's outright lying involved. But a more accurate definition of a lack of honesty in a relationship is "withholding relevant information." Anything that is deliberately hidden from a partner (whether it's the fact of being involved in an online affair or the specifics of the online interactions) creates an emotional distance that presents a serious problem that is difficult to overcome.

So while people may disagree about the "definition" of an affair, there's no mistaking the impact of "Online Affairs" on the partner who is feeling hurt and threatened. When these hurt feelings are ignored or dismissed as unreasonable, it shows a "lack of caring" that is far more of a threat to the relationship than the "affairs" themselves.

Online Affairs often lead to the diminishing or destruction of primary relationships—although this was not the original intention. And in hindsight, many people who wind up having affairs recognize that they could have/should have known what they were getting into, but they simply blocked it out. A common lament is, "I didn't intend to have an affair."

When it comes to Online Affairs, it's not just a question of whether it's "wrong," but whether it's "smart." In looking for something "better in life" or a way to "get more out of life," people often wind up with less. We need to find some other avenue for igniting the positive "alive" feelings that are a big part of the enticement of Online Affairs.

The appeal of Online Affairs can serve as a signal that we need to rethink all aspects of our lives and determine what we can do to feel more "alive" that is rooted in reality (instead of fantasy)—and that does not come with such a high price.

original article here

If It's Online, Is It Cheating?

IS IT CHEATING?

In our technologically advanced world, computers and the Internet are becoming a part of life. We use the Internet for information, email and now even dating. With thousands of dating sites out there, it's easier than ever to hook up with someone across the country! The popularity of online dating has skyrocketed and the statistics are astounding.

With that comes the increased ability to cheat with anyone, anywhere. Married people all over the world are starting to use the internet to carry out full-blown affairs. The question is, is it really cheating? If you never see the person or have physical contact, should it be frowned upon? Those doing the act of cheating of course see nothing wrong with it, but those being cheated on have a different opinion.

As some background, online cheating is much more common than one may think with about 30 percent of visitors to online dating sites identifying themselves as married (the actual number of married people on online dating is probably much much higher). There are even online cheating sites specifically for married people which describes themselves as discreet dating sites for married people with no excuses and no explanations. Though many may not think of innocent chatting and cybersex as cheating, it usually leads to more. In an article written by David Koeppel, online cheaters describe it as "exciting and addicting." One person says,"Its power can be trance-inducing." These people use the internet as their outlet to escape from reality.
Again, the big question is, is it really cheating? John LaSage, a California man was left by his wife for an internet boyfriend. He says, "chatting is OK, cheating is not." That’s where he draws the line. However, there are others who may be hurt by chatting alone. If a spouse is online chatting day and night, it takes valuable time away from the spouse. One woman who has been cheated on says, "he swears he loves me but shows more emotion for these online women than me." This illustrates that even with the absence of physical contact, online cheating can still ruin the emotional factors in a marriage. Health, Beauty and Fitness magazine says, "we believe that sharing your emotions with anyone other than your current partner is adultery whether the relationship is physically consummated or not." The emotional aspects are often stronger and more important than the physical. This can lead to a very hurt spouse if he or she finds out about the affair. With this comes the other big reason why people think online affairs are easier, the ability to hide them.

Many see online cheating as the easy way out, but it may not be so easy. It's easier to chat online at work or have cybersex on the computer rather than in a hotel, however, everything can be traced on a computer. It's always lingering in cyberspace somewhere. Many businesses are starting to make a living off of tracing devices for the internet. They sell these packages to people that are suspicious of a loved one or family member and they allow them to view chat conversations and much more. Along the same lines with chatting and cheating online is the viewing of internet pornography. As people experiment with online dating sites, they are bound to come across pop-ups and links to pornography.
Internet pornography is of course another touchy subject with married couples. It leads the other spouse to feel inadequate and unimportant. But again, is that cheating? Nielsen Net ratings have found that 17.5 million people have visited pornography sites in their home each month. That's a very high number, so is there something wrong with it or is it normal? Dr. Phil has his opinion on this matter. For more, go to Dr. Phil's Homepage.

Of course everyone has their own opinion on internet dating, pornography and other related topics and no one will ever know for sure until they are put in the situation. However, anything as time consuming and personal as some of these online relationships seems to be as bad as cheating in real-life with a real person. Not to mention the fact that most online affairs develop into something else. As they say, once a cheater, always a cheater. So don't rule out the possibility that your spouse has an online lover. Many who aren't computer savy see it as the easy way out so it's becoming more and more common. But as for the question, is it cheating? I say it most definitely is. It makes the other partner feel lonely and unappealing just as in a real-life affair. So beware, the internet is becoming more and more dangerous.

Website Built on Broken Families & Questionable Morals

AN attractive couple lie entwined in a cotton sheet - clearly satisfied after what seems to have been a steamy sex session.

Cue subtitles for a dramatic finale: "This couple is married . . . NOT to each other."

The controversial TV ad for an infidelity website caused outrage when it aired in America.

And now it could hit Britain as part of the multi-million pound UK launch of ashleymadison.com.

Branded "a business built on the back of broken hearts, ruined marriages and damaged families" but hailed by others as "an honest format for an age-old human weakness", the online phenomenon already boasts seven million members in the US, Canada and Australia.

Its owner Noel Biderman, a married father of two, hopes to add one million UK cheaters to his portfolio by Christmas.

Canadian-born Biderman, 39, says: "Ashley Madison is like a traditional dating site but for people already in relationships.

"It was becoming increasingly apparent people who wanted to cheat on their partners were using more traditional sites like Facebook and match.com but concealing the fact they were married when they began dating.

"My research showed around 30 per cent of these people were effectively taking off their wedding rings when they went online.

"So I didn't need to generate infidelity but I saw that I could capitalise on it by taking this pool of people away from the mainstream dating sites and letting them know about another community where both parties could be more honest about what they're doing."

Ashley Madison - which carries the slogan "Life is Short. Have an Affair" - has become a multi-million pound phenomenon, receiving news coverage on leading US shows and channels including CNN and Fox News.

Biderman clearly revels in the "King Of Infidelity" title given to him by the US media and delights in explaining the intricacies of his website.

Starting from £49 for 100 credits, members can email one another (five credits); engage in real-time chat, enter virtual bars and bedrooms (both 30 credits for 30 minutes) and even post virtual gifts to one another.

Launched on February 13, 2002 (a day Biderman has dubbed "Mistress Day"), the following years have been spent honing the product.

Dressed in chinos and brogues, Biderman attempts to present himself as a relaxed charmer but he sips on a can of Red Bull and talks at 100mph as he tries to excuse the questionable morals behind his business.

"I've spent years perfecting the product," he says.

"Lipstick on the collar doesn't catch out people these days. Digital lipstick - emails and text messages that get into the wrong hands - catches them out.

"I've had to convince people that communicating on Ashley Madison is safe, with billing under a pseudonym."

Biderman christened the business Ashley Madison because it combines the two most popular girls' names in the US and he wanted the brand to appeal to women as well as men.

In the UK around 40 per cent of people married or in long-term relationships cheat at some stage.

More than half of women and around 60 per cent of men have been unfaithful in the past.

Love or hate Biderman, he has so far managed to tap thriving markets for infidelity in other countries.

And the no-holds-barred messages on his website have given him an insight into cheating in the 21st Century.

Biderman says this comprises: "Around two men for every woman on the site and a three to four-year itch scenario as opposed to the more mythical seven-year phenomenon."

He adds: "There is also a dramatic shift in family dynamics after the birth of the first child. Intimacy levels between couples change because of the way people feel about their bodies.

"For years, infidelity was viewed as a male phenomenon but Ashley Madison revealed more and more women have been having affairs as opportunity has allowed them to enter the workplace.

"Not every woman a man cheats with is a mistress, is she? And the more emasculated men feel, the more it causes them to lash out and want to cheat on their wives."

Biderman is currently staying in a luxury Mayfair hotel as he prepares to launch his "service" in the UK.

A round of media interviews has been lined up and a £10million advertising budget is poised to be spent if he can get his controversial message past the Advertising Standards Authority.

He claims he has seen enough messages on his website from people in the UK to know there is a "captive market waiting to join".

And he claims: "By Christmas, I estimate that one million Brits will be using the site."

The product of a stable middle-class home, Biderman says there was no role model in his own family for infidelity.

The son of a dentist and a housewife, he thrived at school and was a sports attorney. His older brother is a banker.

Married for eight years, Biderman swears he has been faithful to his wife - a stay-at-home "mom" who looks after his son, five, and daughter, two.

"Have I been tempted to stray? Yes," he says confidently.

"But I talk about infidelity ten times a week. If there is anyone who should know about what it takes to be monogamous, it's me.

"Is our relationship perfect? No. But I try hard to keep it on the right tracks.

"I might one day find myself in a similar position to my members and, if so, I would rather stray then leave the family unit."

So has Biderman considered the possibility his wife might be cheating on him right at this moment?

Appearing a little flustered for the first time, he pauses before responding more slowly: "If my wife was cheating on me right now, I would be shocked."

By all accounts, Mrs Biderman would rather he got a more respectable job, but the legitimising of extra-martial affairs has reaped rich rewards.

Biderman admits to living in a "big house" and driving a Maserati sports car.

He clearly revels in the debate over his business but, amazingly, also tries to convince the world there are heart-warming stories surrounding infidelity.

Like the Ashley Madison Diaries, a book written by a woman trapped in a loveless marriage who allegedly found her Prince Charming on the website.

Or the elderly gentleman nursing a wife with Alzheimer's.

Biderman claims: "With the permission of his children, he joined and spent once a week with a married woman. He wanted to tell me his story because he could see I was getting a hard time in the media."

Actually, Biderman appears to delight in his role as a moral villain because he knows controversy sells.

And as he points out: "Extra-marital affairs existed long before Ashley Madison and will continue to long afterwards."

original article here

SPYING - for those being cheated on

By: Dr. Robert Huizenga

Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are seven:

1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating husband or cheating wife and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn’t fit! I don’t believe it! To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil. If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself.

You are NOT CRAZY! Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.

2. Spying on cheating husbands or cheating wives often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away. It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known. Isnt it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.

3. Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait. You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life. You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.

4. Cheating husbands or cheating wives often, unfortunately, lead to the demise of marital relationships. If you strongly suspect this to be true for your situation you will want to protect yourself legally. If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having evidence does have some impact in some court systems. Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. If your spouse is someone who can't say no, doesn't want to say no or is acting outraged, please make sure to take protective steps.

5. You may want to protect yourself medically if you suspect you have a cheating husband or wife. You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know. Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.

6. Seeing signs of a cheating spouse often mean secrets. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there.

Emotionally, you cant miss it. Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things. Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load. You want to spy because you dont want to live with a secret. You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.

7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue. Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy on your cheating spouse to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.