Until a cyberpath admits, owns and makes restitution for their predatory and/or harassing behaviors towards their victims, we will continue to hold them fully accountable! - EOPC)
So you think your spouse or partner is having an online affair? The first question item to rule out is whether the source of these concerns is due to jealousy or some external factor you are just unable to reconcile. Keep in mind, an unhealthy and controlling jealousy or emotionally abusive relationship is often enough to drive a person toward looking for an escape. Regardless of the root, the following will explain how you can know for sure if an affair is in progress.
Your relationship is important and there is the expectation of trust and fidelity. Just as one needs to be trustworthy, you will need to be trusting. At the same time, you have the right to know if your spouse is being untrustworthy. This is a delicate balance no one can determine for you, you must weigh how far you are willing to go to require your spouse to prove he or she is trustworthy and at what point you are going to give that trust freely.
For some, this means trusting until the other proves to be untrustworthy. Others refuse to trust until all doubts are removed. Wherever you stand between these extremes, know that the following advice could push you in an irreversible direction. Sometimes it may not be worth it to know things, for example your spouse or partner may not be cheating but you may find a different flaw you had rather not known about. Someone once said, "A great deal of what we see, depends on what we are looking for" so there is also the caution against making conclusions that result in every shred of evidence you find points in the direction you want it to though in reality is bias.
If you are willing to proceed, then simply start by asking your spouse or partner straight out. Assuming you know them, you should be able to judge by the reaction if there is reason for concern. If you do not know your spouse or the person has a great poker face, you have at least put that person on alert. The interesting thing about someone being on to you is that panic sets in and when people panic mistakes are made. Listen to your spouse over the next several weeks at this point. My father always taught me, "If you are going to lie, you better have a perfect memory." By listening, you give the cheating spouse or partner time to stumble and in doing so you obtain clues to help you dig deeper. (all our cyberpaths tripped up here. Just check how Dunetz/ Yidwithlid messed up for one example)
One problem to overcome is determining all the sources your spouse or partner has to gain online access. This could be work, a public library, an Internet cafe, and now even mobile devices. Detection was a lot easier when affairs happened on the home computer.
If you suspect your home computer is the issue there are a couple solutions. There are many keyboard sniffer (example: PC Pandora) programs available. Just open your favorite browser and search on keyboard sniffer. Versions are available for all types of computers and operating systems, Mac or PC, and many you can buy online, download and install immediately. These programs hide themselves on your computer and record every key pressed to a hidden file or remote computer. In the end, you have a complete log of what the person did and the evidence will speak for itself.
Using a keyboard sniffer can be effective, but just as there are tools to spy or pry in this manner, there are also equivalent tools to detect if this is happening. Most cheaters think they wont get caught and are likely to become sloppy at some point and lazy, especially if the affair has been going on for a while and no one has been caught yet.
The alt-tab flip maneuver is a clue. Sneak up on your spouse or partner one day to the point where you can see the monitor. Whether you saw what was on the screen or not, someone doing what they are not supposed to do will quickly try to cover up their sin. One way is to have multiple windows open that can be tabbed through quickly to cover up the window with the evidence. Quick, jerky, or jumpy motions to alter the screen contents are a give away that something is happening that the person does not want others to know about.
Smoke and mirrors. If the person is cheating on you, likely smoke and mirrors are being used to cover it up. Fight fire with fire. Install a real mirror or reflective surface that allows you to view what is on that monitor from other points in the room. It could be the glass window at nighttime, a shiny lamp fixture, or an actual mirror. Re-arrange the entire room to hide your intentions, but if you can position the monitor in a way where you can see what is on it without the spouse realizing it, they are less likely to use the alt-tab maneuver and you may end up seeing first hand what is going on.
Check for breadcrumbs. Look at the browser history to see where your spouse or partner has been going. Also look at the cookies that are stored on the machine. Cookies are small files that some websites use to enhance your browsing experience on their site. For example, when you click a check box that says, "Remember me", the website will create a cookie on your computer so the next time you visit, the website knows it is you. Determine what browser or browser your spouse is using (Internet Explorer, Safari, Firefox, and so on) and search for "how to view cookies" followed by your browser name.
The absence of cookies or history tells a story too. If your spouse is spending a lot of time on the web but there is no history or cookies, one must ask why. Unless the spouse is a privacy freak, most people do not regularly delete their cookies or history.
Disrupt their world. If the person is having an online affair, then that Internet connection is the lifeline to their ability to communicate. How does your spouse respond when that connection is lost? Not sure, then make it go away. There are a lot of ways you can do this. Unplug the DSL or Cable modem, if you are using a router block the ports that are typically used for mail or by chat rooms, forget to pay the bill and have service completely stop.
If there is an affair this will cause a reaction. It may even push the person to use alternate methods of keeping in contact with the third wheel, and given it is a panic situation your spouse is more likely to slip up in doing so. The problem remains with devices outside the home.
Most employers frown on using corporate assets for recreational use, or affairs. It costs them money when their machines are hauled into court for interrogation, not to mention it is embarrassing. Fortunately, most large companies have installed software to prevent browsing and chatting with services typically used by the cyberlove world. A little social engineering, you can contact your Spouse's or partner's Company and act like a student conducting an interview for a research paper and ask them if they use such software and how they prevent employees from using work resources for things like cheating.
If there are no controls, ultimately it should surface in the form of performance so, it is just a matter of time. Meanwhile, you can isolate other online sources like phones, cyber cafes, and even library use by careful accounting. This takes time and more investigative work, but remember there is always a paper trail.
If you are using the Internet you should also be using a router. If you are not, you have all the reasons in the world to get one, security, ability to share the connection with more than one computer, and the ability to log ingoing and outgoing traffic (or to stop types of traffic to create a panic situation). Monitor the traffic.
Watch the phone bills, the data transfer and text messaging, and the credit cards. If the spouse has started using other devices or services, they'll show up in the billing. If you do not typically see these things, offer to be a better spouse or wanting to learn how to managing the household accounting and finances better to gain access. You will either obtain the ability to track through the flow of money, or be denied access to the information. If you are denied access, the question is why? As a spouse you need access to the finances in order to protect yourself in the event something happens to your spouse physically.
Financial software, like Quicken or Microsoft Money is great tools to help you account for every penny coming in and going out. If you cannot account for where it is going, then you at least have data to establish patterns. How much cash is being used? How frequently, and on what days is it being withdrawn? There are still always ways to hide money coming in so you might not fully seal up this hole, but at least you have narrowed the window of opportunity and made it more difficult for your spouse to cheat which may create the stress needed to cause the slip up that results in the surfacing of the truth.
Libraries often require some form of identification to use the public computers. On the days you suspect your spouse may be going to the library for a rendezvous, make sure that identification stays home one way or another (typically by removing it from a purse or wallet). It may generate questions as how or why the I.D. ended up misplaced, but the pressure is on.
A cheating spouse will often feel distant from their committed spouse. They will feel guilt and anxiety, and have to work hard at covering things up. You cannot always say that a cheating spouse will show no or less attention; for example a cheating spouse may end up suddenly sending more flowers or gifts. Relationships take effort and people often show their affection with gift giving. So if you suddenly receive flowers, check up on them. How much did they cost? Maybe your flowers are intended to hide a purchase at a florist where two sets of flowers were bought, yet you only have one. Did your last gift really cost what it says it cost in on the credit card statement or check book? More sex?
No one wants to be cheated on, and most people if you ask will say they do not want to be a cheater. Cheating happens for one reason, hardness of heart. Normal people do not go into a relationship with plans to cheat. They are in love and intend to remain faithfully committed to their spouse.
The question to ask is what causes that devoted spouse to harden those feelings and emotions and ultimately give way to cheating either by seeking out someone or because someone sought him/her and met a missing need.
The best thing is to work together to guard against hardened hearts and emotional or mental abuse so the signs never have chance to be erected.
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THOUGHTS FROM THE VICTIMS OF CYBERPATHS
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