Can boredom Create a Cyberpath?

The below by Steve Becker talks about sociopaths and boredom. EOPC agrees cyberpathy is a form of sociopath's and narcissist's acting out by preying on others via the internet. Give this a good read! - EOPC

by Steve Becker, MSW, LCSWWhat’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?

Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.

Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.

However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.

I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.

That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.

Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.

The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.

I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.

Now we might still say, big deal?…doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?

What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.

In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the non-sociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.

Intellectually, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.

And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.

The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.

At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.

(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed.) -SB

PREDATORS HUNT THE WOUNDED

(an article everyone who goes online should read; whether you are an abuse survivor - or just vulnerable! - EOPC)
An abuse survivor e-mailed me saying how she seemed to attract men who want to exploit her. On the other hand, good people seemed to run from her. Tragically, this is the common experience of abuse survivors, whether they be men or women. I had often puzzled as to why this is. The woman sent me a couple of photos of herself and suddenly I understood. No, she was not dressed to seduce.

The reply I sent her was a little gentler than the following, but here is the essence of what I said:

Your photos, though nice, give the impression that you are sad, shy, lacking in confidence and aching for love. An evil man (cyberpath/predator) might look at those photos and think to himself, “I bet her self-esteem is so low that she thinks no decent guy would want her. Her need for love and for a boost in self-esteem seem so great that if I let her think that I could meet these needs, she would be so scared of losing me that she would give me anything I want, no matter how perverted. (sounds EXACTLY like Yidwithlid, Beckstead,Capers and Jacoby)
If I initially treat her tenderly and kindly and flatter her, I’ll have a good chance of turning her into little more than my slave. Then I could treat her however I wish.” (read our past Predator exposes: Hicks, GRIDNEY/ Yidwithlid, Jacoby, & Beckstead in particular!)

If, on the other hand, a man saw you as happy, confident and relatively content, he’d assume you are quite choosy as to who you relate to and how far you would go. He’d assume you have none of the desperation that pressures some women to compromise their morals to get the love they crave.

Anyone with evil intentions would be likely to back off and look for someone who seems more vulnerable.

Not only could this be a factor in men with evil intent being attracted to you, it could cause good men (or good women who are lesbians) to feel tempted to try to get their way with you. Because they are honorable, they are likely to run from you, fearing that if they stayed close to you they might yield to that temptation.

Regardless of how resistant to sexual pressure they really are, people with low self-esteem and who crave love give the impression that they are vulnerable to exploitation and/or seduction. Upon finding such a person, immoral people feel emboldened to test their suspicion that they have found someone they could seduce.

People lacking in self-esteem are likely to mistakenly believe that sex – not their personality – is their only way of winning the love they desperately need.

They fall for the horrible lie that their only chance of receiving even an illusion of the love they crave is to yield to sexual advances.

This makes them highly vulnerable. So intense is the pressure, that they need far superior self-control than what other people need in order to remain sexually pure. Moreover, abuse survivors are strongly tempted to accept the lie that because they have been mistreated before, they have little purity left to protect.

As if these strong pressures were not enough, abuse survivors find resisting an evil man much harder than other people find it because they have suffered the past horror of having done everything possible to resist and yet still being overpowered. Having suffered situations in which resistance was impossible causes them to lose hope that they could ever successfully prevent anyone from exploiting them. They become convinced that any attempt to resist would be a futile waste of effort.

Sexual & Emotional predators know this, so they are on the look out for emotional/ verbal/ mental/ or sexual abuse survivors!

A tragically large number of abuse survivors have mistakenly thought that perhaps they have low morals or are evil or that God is against them, since that they seem to attract sexual predators. This is most certainly not so. The thought is so obviously incorrect that, theoretically, there should be no need to deny it.

Sadly, it needs to be spelt out because sexual offenders are skilled at cruelly manipulating tender consciences, causing their victims to have a mistaken view of themselves.

The truth is that abuse survivors tend to attract repeat offenses simply because they are hurting, and sexual predators, like beasts of prey, think the wounded might be an easier target.


Knowing why the wrong sort of people might try to exploit you can be a relief. There is nothing wrong with you, other than the simple fact that you are hurting. I am sure what you really want to know, however, is how to prevent this attention. It’s easy to say that self-esteem, confidence and feeling loved is the answer, but the difficulty is knowing how to grow in these things.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE FOUND HERE

Surviving the Cyberpath

It Takes A Strong Individual To Survive An Exploiter
(in this case a Cyberpath would be an 'EXPLOITER')


You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible.

It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.

Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem.

For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakeness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”

But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/ abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).

This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances s(he’d) counsel anyone else to reject and escape.

But I restate: you can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.

When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.

It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is longlasting.


Steve Becker, MSW, LCSW, CH.T

Stalking Laws Need to be Tougher

by Kim Archer

He seemed to be around every corner. Standing near her. Watching her.

"It's unsettling," said Tulsan Stephanie Lewis, who met the man through her work in coordinating a local arm of a national political group.

The man started calling constantly and sent hundreds of e-mails, she said. Every public meeting she led, he was there. He argued with her and tried to take over. Then he copied everything from her political group's Facebook page and put them on his.

"First, what you notice about him is he doesn't respect social boundaries. He gets real close to you when he talks," Lewis said.

On Christmas Eve, things took a scary turn. He called her again that evening. When she asked why he was calling on a holiday, he went off.

"He got abusive and threatening. He said he was going to teach me a lesson," Lewis said. She spent last Christmas Eve filing a report at a police station.

From there, things escalated. It got so bad, she filed for a protective order against him I in Rogers County where she then lived. But the judge only admonished the man to stay away from Lewis.

He didn't. One time, he even pushed her down and spit on her. But it was just the two of them, her word against his.

Again, Lewis filed for a protective order. Only this time, it was in Tulsa County, where she moved. The judge indicated it wouldn't be granted, but Lewis pleaded.

"He said it didn't meet the requirement because there was no relationship between us," she said.

Lewis argued her case and got a 60-day order.

"If a judge does not interpret the law to protect people out in the public, that's where the problem lies," Lewis said.

Lewis is not the first person to have filed for a protective order against a particular stalker. She just appears to be the first successful one.

Tulsa County records show at least two other individuals have done so without success.

Stalking is a crime
Stalking is considered a crime in all 50 states, although legal definitions vary.

Oklahoma law is relatively strong on stalking, but courts and law enforcement are reluctant to enforce it, said Tim Gray, attorney advocate with Domestic Violence Intervention Services in Tulsa and vice president of the board for Family and Community Empowered for Safety.

"It isn't taken seriously enough. That's pretty much because society doesn't take it seriously enough," he said.

Judges, district attorneys and law enforcement officers have some discretion in dealing with stalkers. Often, they are hesitant to take action against them, Gray said.

"It is time-intensive for law enforcement and district attorneys to make a case," he said.

Sheree Huckill, an anti-stalking advocate with T.K. Wolf, a counseling and wellness group in Skiatook, said the majority of stalkers go on to commit physical violence against their victims.

"If we look at recent homicides, chances are the victims were being stalked first," she said.
Stalking is pervasive and can be done in person or on the Internet.

An estimated 3.4 million people age 18 or older reported being victims during a one-year period, according to a report released by the U.S. Justice Department in January. The report came after the most comprehensive study of stalking ever done.

The study confirmed that women are at higher risk of being stalked, and that stalking is a gateway to more violent crimes.

"Stalking can absolutely lead to death," Gray said. "Like domestic violence or sexual assault, it all boils down to power and control. The stalker gets a high from doing the stalking. They enjoy putting that person in fear."

Perhaps the state law's only weakness is it does not recognize emotional damage, Gray said.

"Our society and our courts want to see physical damage done," he said.

By the time it gets to that point, it can be too late.

Reprieve
The relative peace Lewis has had since the protective order soon will be replaced with worry. The order expires in early May. And she will have to spend nearly another entire day to get the order approved for another period.

Her stalker has mostly stayed away, but has inched near her at public political events, testing his boundaries. "It's just creepy," she said.

Lewis said when she got the first protective order, the man came to court and argued the law like a pro. "He knows the stalking law like he's a lawyer," she said.

Lewis says she is not about to allow someone else to run her life.

She believes the stalking law should be strengthened so judges and district attorneys can't ignore the pleas of those who are victims.

"I will do whatever it takes to get this message heard."
(NOTE: Many Cyberpaths will ACCUSE THEIR VICTIMS of Stalking them. This is PROJECTION! Take your proof to the police, victims - and demand they file a report and GIVE YOU A COPY. - EOPC)

Eighty-seven percent of stalkers are men. One in 12 women and one in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetime, federal data show.

• Seventy-seven percent of female and 64 percent of male victims know their stalker.
• Fifty-nine percent of female victims and 30 percent of male victims are stalked by an intimate partner.
• Fifty-five percent of female victims report their stalking to the police.
• Nearly a third of stalkers have stalked previously.
• Seventy-six percent of women murdered by an intimate partner and 85 percent of women who are victims of attempted murder by their intimate partner had experienced at least one incident of stalking by the perpetrator within a year of the crime.

Source: National Center for Victims of Crime

ORIGINAL ARTICLE

December 2008 Predator of the Month: Robert Darden

Robert Darden
Maryland, USA
Known Online Nickname: rdardenea

We want to start this month's expose with a caveat. We are in NO WAY judging anyone's religious or spiritual beliefs. We do not espouse any type of belief for healing from Cyberpaths other than the "higher power" belief also used in 12-Step Groups. We don't criticize anyone for their beliefs either.

That said, we stopped counting around 50... the sheer NUMBERS of people we hear from all the time who either:

1. met their Cyberpath on a Christian/ Jewish/ other.... Dating Site
2. their Cyberpath professed to be religious, observant or so on. (examples: Dan Jacoby, gridney/ YidwithLid, Mike Campbell)

(For a quick reality check, go to our friends at Fight Bigamy and just do a search on how many bigamists are preachers or pretend to be!)

Think about it, a predator would love going on a religious-slanted dating site or professing their "religiousness." Why? Because the site's or their affiliation with religion would make a naive person think they were honest & trustworthy. Many, like this month's, go to great lengths to study & learn scripture. It's part of their lure.

Online dating -- or meeting someone online -- no matter WHAT KIND OF SITE YOU ARE ON -- is bad news 99% of the time. Those are NOT GOOD ODDS!

The predators we've exposed in the last 4 years have been from:

• Online Dating (secular & religious)
• Friendship & Chat Sites
• Reunion Sites
• Recovery Sites
• Parenting Sites

in short -- they come from anywhere on the web that will give them the "air" of trust-ability.

Here's another cautionary tale. And NOT AN ISOLATED ONE!

*************************

One of his victims tells her story:

(EOPC's comments are in Dark Blue & italics)

I met what I thought was my 'soul mate' on a Christian dating site. This man knew the Word of God inside out. He gave me the impression he was sent by God.

About on in twenty-five individuals are sociopathic, meaning, essentially, that they do not have a conscience. It is not that this group fails to grasp the difference between good and bad; it is that the distinction fails to limit their behavior.

. . . many people know nothing about this disorder, or if they do, they think only in terms of violent psychopathy- murderers, serial killers, mass murderers . . . [but not] the larger number of nonviolent sociopaths among us, people who often are not blatant lawbreakers, and against whom our formal legal system provides little defense. Most of us would not imagine any correspondence between conceiving an ethnic genocide and, say, guiltlessly lying to one’s boss about a coworker. But the psychological correspondence is not only there; it is chilling.

The writer, a Rev'd C. J. Connor, then finishes the first installment in the series:

As Dr. Stout (in her book THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR) points out, however, more often than not the evil that they create in the world is not something that you can go to jail for- and in the Church nowadays, the characteristics of the Christian Sociopath have become rather idealized and admired.

SOURCE

He contacted me after I responded to prayers for a woman who had been raped by someone she met on the site. He said he could "see I was a strong woman."

After a short absence from the site, we contacted each other again and he told me that he "often thought of me." (Here we go with the LOVE BOMBING)

The way to lure them out of their shell and set up your seduction is to enter their spirit. Play by their rules, enjoy what they enjoy... In doing so you will ... lower their defenses. Hypnotized by the mirror image you present, they will open up, becoming vulnerable to your subtle influence.

SOURCE

To know someone was thinking of me. What a nice feeling. We had so much in common. We hit it off right away. After talking for a while online we exchanged phone numbers. The first time we talked, when we were saying goodbye I thought I heard him say ‘I love you.’ (first red flag) I wasn’t sure so I didn’t say anything.

Narcissists, in accordance with their Machiavellian mind frame, will often appear religious, especially if they are leaders. But they may also ascribe to a religion in an effort to understand their special status, which they believe they enjoy.

SOURCE

Several times we talked through the night even though I had to get up in the morning to go to work. I couldn't pull myself away and even though he would express regret for keeping me up at night it would keep happening. I was tired a lot which is probably what he intended.

Along with the personality disorder, psychopaths have other issues in common, including a decreased need for sleep. Many of the women [victims -- are] in bodily exhaustion from the lack of sleep. The ability to dominate her when she is exhausted is an obvious benefit to the psychopath for keeping her awake... (This technique is often used in hostage-taking and war crimes.).

Sandra Brown, MA -- WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS

He often spoke of how honest I was. How he had never met someone so honest. Probably to appeal to my ego. How he had never reached so deep into anyone’s heart before.

He said had only been with one woman all his life. His wife, who deceived him and hurt him making it difficult for him to ever love again. (sounds like Ed Hicks! Who swore he only had one wife... LOL!) He said he was legally separated and hasn’t proceeded with the divorce because he hasn’t had a reason to. He said almost did once. (sound familiar readers? Like Dan Jacoby?)

...weakness -- tears, bashfulness, paleness-will help create the effect. To further win trust, exchange honesty for virtue: establish your "sincerity" by confessing some sin on your part -- it doesn't have to be real. Sincerity is more important than goodness. Play the victim, then transform your target's sympathy into love.

SOURCE

There were several red flags that went off in my head but I just brushed them off or reasoned them away. There were things I wasn't comfortable with.

Since many psychopaths need much less sleep than normal people, lack of sleep is likely to catch up with her. The psychopath consistently keeps her awake, demanding her company while he watches TV, picks fights, or wants marathon sex. Her diet, exercise, down-time, spiritual practices, and friendships all go by the wayside while her stress levels increase. The fast-paced lifestyle contributes to a total deterioration in her health. Her physical exhaustion can greatly increase her emotional fatigability. She is now unable to hold her ground against the psychopath, and despite the exhaustion, she remains hypnotized, fixated on his extroverted, highly exciting persona.

Sandra Brown, MA -- WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS

I am a victim of sexual abuse and we talked about it and he wanted to help me. (Click here for a great article that speaks to this tactic) Wanted to know all the details so he could "lead me to healing. "

There are always social limits on what one can do. Some of these, the most elemental taboos, go back centuries; others are more superficial, simply defining polite and acceptable behavior. Making your targets feel that you are leading them past either kind of limit is immensely seductive... You do not respect marriage vows or family ties.

Once the desire to transgress draws your targets to you, it will be hard for them to stop. Take them farther than they imagined-the shared feeling of guilt and complicity will create a powerful bond.

SOURCE

At one point he told me his sexual fantasies and wanted me to tell him mine. I didn't and when I said I couldn't he said, "I wonder why this isn't working. I might have to come and see you." That has always stuck in my head because I was wondering what he meant. (Readers, this is easy. It was one of those rare times all Cyberpaths do when they slip up and are actually honest -- but the victim is by then, too hypnotized to see their real agenda! Darden's agenda was the same as many of our Cyberpaths: SEX -- either cybersex, real life sex or both!)

Again I brushed it off, thinking he meant he was trying to help me and it wasn't working.

[L]ure them out of their insecurities by making them focus on something sublime and spiritual: a religious experience, a lofty work of art...

Play up your divine qualities; affect an air of discontent with worldly things; speak of the stars, destiny, the hidden threads that unite you and the object of the seduction.

Lost in a spiritual mist, the target will feel light and uninhibited. Deepen the effect of your seduction by making its sexual culmination seem like the spiritual union of two souls.

SOURCE

Although he professed to be a 'christian' man he started sending me youtube videos of secular songs with sexual lyrics and images. I brushed it off thinking "he loves me and is just expressing his love." (Abuse survivors are often numb to these sort of boundary violations; which is why predators are always on the hunt for them!) The subject line was "Doin’ it in Your Ear Whole." (gross!)

He then declared his "love" for me, how he would "love me for a lifetime." He talked about "commitment and marriage." He told me he "told his ex-wife about us and she was devastated." He said she "never thought he would find someone." He also hinted he’d finalized the divorce. (complete B.S. -- This is a typical Cyberpath ploy of roping the victim in with "shared guilt" -- now she feels complicit with 'breaking up his marriage' and him 'loving her.' It's Blame-Shifting 101!)

During all this I started feeling anxious and fearful. If I didn't hear from him (he pulled the disappearing act for a few days) I was in a panic. I couldn't understand what was happening to me. Even after I spoke with him I always had this strange anxious feeling. (Typical -- keep the victim on edge. Let them know that you will abandon them if they don't COMPLY! Keeps the victims Trauma Bonded to the Cyberpath.)

Then I noticed he was BACK on the dating site. AFTER he "declared his love for" me and how he was "committed to" me. (wonder how many other women he was telling that to) I never mentioned it to him. I was waiting for him to say something. He didn't.

Also, in the beginning, told me he was moving to my country. (sounds like Keith Clive) As it got closer to the time he said he was moving, he began hinting he wasn't coming anymore. He said "his children didn't want to" although he'd told me "they were so excited before." He made me believe his children were preventing him from having his own life and he would have to wait. (More bullpocky! He had no intention of moving from the beginning. Complete liar. Convenient to dump people who live nowhere near you when all you want is online games.)

The psychopath and the stage of his luring are as shallow and phoney as the cut out. With a complete straight face, he can say one thing and do another, do something and say the opposite, or say and do the opposite of what he did last week.

These dichotomies produce serious distress in the women because of the chronic instability in the relationship. As they try to align themselves with his belief system, it shifts. As they try to align with his behaviors or promises, these shift. This constant shifting and moving keeps women off-balance and continuously striving to stabilize the relationship.

Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS.

He played mind games. One example was: we were holding hands over cyberspace, he said could "actually feel his hand in mine." And I actually felt it too. Or... thought I did. Sometimes it felt as if he was right there beside me. (This is part of the Trance & Mind Control used by the pathological Cyberpath. Many of our victims reported this exact same experience with their Cyberpath!)

The unrepentant excuse themselves, and motivated by an unconscious desire to be excused by others (not forgiven, which implies confession and contrition), he will readily excuse the faults and failings of others, obliging them to do likewise. Hence, the current widespread approbation of tolerance as the perfection of justice.

But tolerance is not necessarily a virtue, for there is a great deal that love refuses to tolerate. Again, such confusion only establishes the conditions that the character disordered depend upon in order to keep themselves from being exposed. We can undermine such conditions by praying that we might be given a horror of sin and by cultivating a hatred of injustice.

SOURCE