A Fine Line Between Stalking and Searching

by Andrea Bartz and Brenna Ehrlich

This week, we pulled the cotton from our ears and emerged from our dark caves of seclusion to open this column up to user-submitted questions.

Some submissions were inanely obvious (no, don't tweet that picture of your boss, I don't care if he told you about his chinchilla fetish at happy hour the other week), some were boring beyond belief, and, many, oddly, were just plain stalkerish. But not in the way you might think.

In the past, we've covered the topic of how to deal with online stalkers when the attention is unwanted. But more and more, as gaining access to anyone on this rapidly rotting Earth of ours is easier than ever, we Web denizens are wondering: Does using the Internet to check someone out make me a stalker?

Chances are, probably not. Read on for a couple of queries on this issue:

"When I was waiting for the bus the other day, I evaluated the attractiveness of all the people at the stop; there was one obvious winner. Then the seat next to him was the only seat open. Upon sitting down, he immediately engaged me in very adorable and flirty conversation. We exchanged names and we both talked about what we were studying at school, but I didn't have an opportunity to give him my number.

"Anyway, with his name and major, I was able to find him after only 30 seconds of Googling. I want to contact him but I'm not sure how. Especially because it would be like, 'Hey, I stalked you a tiny bit to find your full name.' My question is: What's the appropriate (read as LEAST CREEPY) way to contact this person and what should I say in a message?" - Creepy Crushing in Chicago

I'm going ahead and assume (for the sake of brevity) that you are not an insane stalkery-type person who collects the hair and toenails of her crushes, which she then uses to construct elaborate shrines to their beautiful (soon-to-be-departed) souls. If you are such a person, please cease reading, and, uh, please don't hurt me.

Moving on: It seems like in your case, you don't have that many degrees of separation between you and your bus boy. You attend the same school, take public transportation (i.e. you're poor) and are not, in fact, Luddites. In this case, I say: Be bold. You found him on Google, you say? If you found his Facebook profile (and not some old swim-meet records from middle school), go ahead and send him a brief message ("Hope your meeting on the downtown campus went off without a hitch!") and a friend request.

Such a method is nice and private -- tweeting "Hey! You're freaking hot" might be a little embarrassing -- and if he doesn't respond, you can always chalk it up to the fact that Facebook is cutting down on notification e-mails. Our lives are public nowadays, and if homeboy didn't want to be found, well, then he could always limit his visibility on the site.

(If his profile is indeed hidden but you tracked down his e-mail address, follow a similar tack. Unless, that is, his e-mail address was hidden on page 38 of Google results at the end of an article he wrote freshman year about the campus parade-and-circus club. In that case, give up.)

Furthermore, it's not like the phenomenon of searching out star-crossed potential lovers is anything new (that's what Missed Connections et al are for), so we're guessing your dude will be flattered at the very least that you sought him out. And hey, maybe now you can meet up and compare hair-and-toenail shrines.

"Through some Facebook stalking, I recently discovered my ex had gotten married. (We're no longer FB friends). Although that was a shock for sure, the real heartbreaker was that all my friends (who are still FB friends with her) didn't disclose any of this information to me. ... Not even the engagement! How do I tell them they're backstabbers without admitting I'm a stalker?" - Backstabbed in BK

First of all, Backstabbed, it doesn't really seem like you have been, in fact, backstabbed. You're not Facebook friends with your ex anymore, you say? If you refer to our column on how to deal with breakups online, we recommend unfriending exes after particularly painful breakups, which is exactly what you have done (congrats on your reading-comprehension skills). The fact that you unfriended this girl indicates you don't want her in your life -- and don't want your life in hers -- so we can see why your friends didn't call you immediately after she decided to tie the knot. Still, we get that this is information you would rather get from a friendly face than from a half-sloshed night of Facebook stalking, sandwiched between, "Oh, Laurie has a new baby. ... It's hideous!" and "Joel went to prison again." If you want to call up your pals and -- rationally -- explain that you would rather they not hide your ex's huge life moments from your sensitive (yet manly) gaze, go ahead and do it. Just explain that you were idly clicking through Facebook after a few too many mojitos and decided to check up on a few of your exes. Your friends will understand, because they are likely stalking their exes as we speak. Stalking exes on Facebook is basically akin to a distasteful bodily function: We all do it, but no one goes around bragging about it in mixed company.

original article found here

If Your Past Comes Calling....

If it hasn't already happened to you, someday it will: You'll pick up the phone or open an e-mail and suddenly get a blast from the past. Out of the blue, you'll hear from someone you used to know.

It might be a former classmate, hoping to see you at the next reunion. Or a colleague from a previous job who's passing through town. Or a teenage crush who looked you up on the Internet. Or an enemy seeking to make amends.

"It's a wonderful thing to do, to touch base with people, to see how people live their lives, to see how people lived out their dreams. You connect the present to the past," says Laurie Puhn, president of a professional and personal development training firm in New York.

Internet Web sites and search engines, such as classmates.com, Peoplefinders.com, Google and ZabaSearch, are making it easy to track down people from the past. The research can lead to reunions that reignite old friendships.

It also can lead to a world of trouble if, say, your nemesis is still holding a grudge. Or a long-lost buddy is looking to crash on your couch indefinitely. Or that "friend" is using you to dig up information on the ex they never got over. Or that now-married old flame wants to catch up with you, sans his or her spouse.

READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE HERE

Secret Facebook Romance Leads to Execution

Jealous ex-boyfriend executed mother and daughter, 4, after discovering Facebook romance

A secret affair started on Facebook may have provoked a shooting which left three
people dead, an inquest heard yesterday.

Andrew Copland shot his former partner Julie Harrison and their four-year-old daughter Maisie before turning the gun on himself.

A coroner heard the 56-year-old painter and decorator may have killed them after discovering Miss Harrison was having a relationship with an old schoolfriend.

The bloodbath was discovered after a neighbour dialled 999 after seeing 40-year-old Miss Harrison desperately banging on the inside of a window.

The inquest heard that she had moved out of Copland’s home in Aldershot into a flat in the Hampshire town.

Her new boyfriend, Lee Johnston, told the inquest he had regained contact with Miss Harrison through the Facebook website.

They were together on the morning of the day she died, December 29, and he had been due to meet her again after she dropped Maisie off at her father’s home.

Mr Johnson said: ‘She had told me Andrew had been violent on a number of occasions. He had punched her and pushed her down the stairs.’

He said he and Miss Harrison had gone to great lengths to keep their relationship a secret from Copland.

She had a mobile phone which she used only to contact Mr Johnston.

He said: 'She did not want Andrew to find out because she was scared of what he might do. She thought that he would be violent to her and any man that she was seeing.’

Mr Johnston, who lives in Northampton, said that when she failed to answer his phone calls he drove to Copland’s home and found it cordoned off by police.

Neighbour Rachel Southon told how she heard Copland bolt the door – and seconds later saw Miss Harrison fall to the floor.

She said: 'I saw the back of Andrew through the glass. Then he disappeared and I saw Julie banging on the window. She fell back as if he had hit her with something. At that point I phoned the police.’

Maisie was found dead in the dining room and Copland in the hallway. Miss Harrison was still alive and was flown to hospital but died the following day.

Coroner Andrew Bradley heard that ballistic tests revealed that all three were shot by a 9mm 1930s Baretta handgun, which Copland had found in a builder’s skip in Surrey in 1998, complete with ammunition.

He ruled that Miss Harrison and Maisie were unlawfully killed and Copland took his own life.

After the hearing Copland’s older children Craig and Keely said their lives have been 'devastated'.

They said: 'We never could have imagined that our dad could do what he has done; to us, he was an ordinary dad who taught and helped and

loved us.

'As well as the grief and anger, there are so many "whys" and "if onlys". If only our dad had never found that gun and kept it hidden all those years.'

Hampshire police will tomorrow launch a two-week firearms amnesty to remove illegal weapons from the streets.

original article here

GRIDNEY/ Yidwithlid - Our February 2005 Predator of the 'Month'

Our Predator of the Month for
June 2007, In Review: GRIDNEY aka YIDWITHLID aka Sammy Benoit
(real name: JEFF DUNETZ)

We are re-running this expose because
1. there have been some updates which we will post later in the month and
2. it was, like our first Ed Hicks, very complete - including chat transcripts or emails - to show the classic patterns of mind control, seduction and abuse used by cyberpaths. (ORIGINALLY POSTED IN FEBRUARY 2005)

The reason we are not giving any identifying information about this person (such as real name or location) is due to legal and police investigations concerning activities this person was involved in as per the police department involved's request to EOPC. Also, at the request of Target #1 to be compassionate towards his wife & children. The reasons for doing this will be clearer once this story unfolds.

Chat transcripts were recieved from & with verification by law enforcement, from Target #2 and the permission of law enforcement (once law enforcement had them - they had control over the information) - at our request. Target #1, after much debate - allowed us to publish just a few of them, with her edits to protect the wife & children of this cyberpath. They cannot and have not been edited in any way other than to remove identifying information.

All photos of gridney/ Yidwithlid were received from Target #2 - who comes along later in this story. Target #2 provided us with her statement as well, independent of any of gridney/ Yidwithlid's other targets.

We obtained some IMs between yidwithlid and Target #1 via law enforcement. We will try to post the more pertinent of these chats rather than take up bandwith; and portions of IM conversations where appropriate.

Excerpts we got from interviewing both Targets will be used. (These were the first chats EOPC has ever gotten that were accompanied by verifications from computer forensics with law enforcement as being unedited and genuinely coming from the IPs of the persons chatting.)
************************
"J"/ Yidwithlid's online nickname at the time of this incident was: GRIDNEY

In April 2002, "J"/ Yidwithlid sent an email to Target #1. He had 'come across' her name and email address on Classmates.com.'

They had attended college together about 30 years ago. "J"/ Yidwithlid transferred out to another university after 1 1/2 years at the college they both attended without telling Target #1 he was even leaving or where he was going. She never heard from him again nor did she make any attempt to ever contact him. "J"/ Yidwithlid and Target #1 had a brief intimate relationship but more importantly to Target #1, what she thought was a good friendship.

"I don't chase men. I never have. Yidwithlid gave me a little indication he was interested in a real relationship with me back then, but it was sporatic. In fact, just the opposite. When he left the school I had no idea where he went. He never even said goodbye. I could have easily found out where he was because I worked part time for the college legal department. But I would never do something like that that. I was heartbroken but I knew when I wasn't wanted.... even as a friend." - Target #1

And "J"/ Yidwithlid, 27 years later, at home on his computer, looking for prey - something to 'have a little fun' with, broke, depressed and unemployed... looked her up.

"...choose only those who will prove susceptible to your charms. The right victims are those for whom you can fill a void, who see in you something exotic. They are often isolated or at least somewhat unhappy (perhaps because of recent adverse circumstances), or can easily be made so - for the completely contented person is almost impossible to seduce.

The perfect victim has some natural quality that attracts you. The strong emotions this quality inspires will help make your seductive maneuvers seem more natural and dynamic. The perfect victim allows for the perfect chase." -

The Art of Seduction (Greene)

The reason we are doing this story? - because in this case - the predator and prey KNEW each other, for years. This wasn't anonymous, random or circumstantial. Target #1 wasn't some woman looking for love in a chat room. In this case, the adage of "stick to who & what you know" went totally awry.

"J"/ YidwithLid shared only a couple of his nicknames and IMs with Target #1. Within 3 days of the email, they were chatting and catching up. "J"/ Yidwithlid is married and has children. Lives well over an hour away from Target #1. Had lost a major executive job from downsizing. Was looking for work, bored (looking for prey - some distraction), no money to do his usual "online fun" and collecting unemployment.

Target #1 had been on permanent disability for 7 years by that time after working most of her life. Both Target #1 and "J"/ Yidwithlid had worked in similar areas and even the same buildings but had never, in all that time, run into each other. Target #1 also had children and was estranged from her husband of many years, being denied a divorce, controlled, entrapped and being seriously abused.

"J"/ Yidwithlid and Target #1 spent a lot of time just talking about life, what had happened in the years between, their families, friends, whatever-happened-to, and so on. (Typical cyberpath, profiling her and testing the waters to see where she stood and how far he could push things) Then about 2 weeks into the conversation, "J"/ Yidwithlid asked about her marriage.

"Typical of many abused women - I just wanted to be "nice." My marriage was over and had been for about 5 years. I didn't have the funds to take the kids and move out and no where to go.

I should have gone to a domestic violence center but like so many women in upscale marriages, I felt I would have been stigmatized. I talked to yidwithlid about my concerns freely; about the abusive I was experiencing but it just felt wrong to say 'I feel nothing for my husband and I am pushing a pro bono lawyer to divorce him when it's feasible.

I had NO Idea where yidwithlid was going to take this and I had no reason to mistrust him in the beginning. He seemed to genuinely want to talk to me a great deal."- Target #1

"At first there must be nothing of the seducer in your manner. The seduction should begin at an angle, indirectly, so that the target only gradually becomes aware of you. Haunt the periphery of your target's life-approach through a third party, or seem to cultivate a relatively neutral relationship, moving gradually from friend to lover. Arrange an occasional "chance" encounter, as if you and your target were destined to become acquainted-nothing is more seductive than a sense of destiny. Lull the target into feeling secure, then strike."

- The Art of Seduction (Greene)

"J"/ Yidwithlid in an ICQ chat (where it started - this relationship moved to other chat platforms as it went along) he asked Target #1 if he could ask her something personal, about women. Target #1 said sure, figuring - this was an old friend and another adult, no problems - no reason to question. "J"/ Yidwithlid then told her:

"J": it's about sex
Target #1: I am a big girl, shoot
"J": my wife, she's very..... cold
Target #1: what do you mean
"J": she's so
"J": practical
"J":can I ask you something
Target #1: sure
"J": during sex.... do you like ####
Target #1: sure
"J": do most women like it
Target #1: I dont know
Target #1: come on, your wife & I can't be the only women you have ever been with
Target #1: what about your other girfriends?
"J": my wife she won't allow me to ### (Yidwithlid evades her question!)
Target #1: is she sensitive? or was she ever abused in some way?
"J": no
Target #1: you sure?
"J": yes
Target #1: you asked her?
"J": yes
"J": she also s never "in teh mood"
Target #1:she works and takes care of u & the kids
Target #1: women get very tired you know - thats a lot
Target #1: takes more than sex to make a marriage work
"J": I am not sure how I feel about her anymore
Target #1: have you talked to her about it
"J": no
Target #1: why
"J": dunno (evades again)
"J": and she wont let me ### after sex
"J": one time I asked her to ### and she flipped out
Target #1: if this is too personal tell me
"J": ok
Target #1: was she this way before you got married
"J": no
"J": she was great
Target #1: she is tired - kids and taking care of a home and working is a lot
"J": no
"J": she has help (evades again)
"J": she had a very bad boyfriend before me
Target #1: then maybe she has issues and needs to talk
Target #1: why don't you take her out to lunch while you are home, romance her. you need to talk to her
"J": she would say no
"J": she says she loves me but
"J": I asked her if she wold #### so I wold knw what she likes
Target #1: and?
"J": she flipped out
Target #1: sorry but I don't think I would do that either
"J": what about u?
Target #1: what about me?
"J": you and H?
Target #1: we are not intimate anymore
"J": why?
Target #1: we just arent
"J": you still love him?
Target #1: no
"J": did you ver
Target #1: o yes
"J": what happend
Target #1: lng story
"J": tell me
Target #1: some other time
Target #1:have you thought about counseling for you & your wife
"J": no
"J": I wold nevr do that
Target #1: man thing?
"J": no I wold nevr talk to someone
Target #1: but you are talking to me
"J": yes but
"J": we know each othr
Target #1: ok
(April 2002)

Here's where the seduction and mind control techniques start:
- he puts her in the position of "HELPING" him

- asks about sex, and is very polite about it

- evades answering direct questions

- tells her he can talk/open up to her

- tells her HIS marriage isn't going well

- she offers advice (helper position)

- he puts himself in the 'pity me' or 'martyr' position to prey on her compassionate nature

- tell her he TRUSTS her (verbal 'implantation' to make her feel she should TRUST him TOO!!)

Check www.speedseduction.com and www.seducersworld.com for some of this predatory methodology also used by sales, advertising and personal growth gurus.

We asked Target #1 for her story because this is about establishing and ANCHORING a close, intimate and comfortable relationship in the Target so they won't even know what hit them. That's what makes reading many of these stories all the way through so important. It's used in sales all the time. (SEARCH THIS SITE FOR OUR ARTICLES ON NLP and MIND CONTROL)

-One who seems they could never betray you, seems trustworthy, and one who would never let you down, is one who is probably very likely to break your trust easily. In fact, the whole time, an online predator is continuously breaking your trust by assuring you how "trustworthy" or "truthful" he is, luring you into the fake comforts of the predator.

-An online predator cleverly plans things, many times with every little detail mapped and sorted out, making sure he successfully gets you to believing his stories, and him, damaging you as well, for his own benefits and satisfaction, though you don't realize it.(above from our published article: LURES OF THE ONLINE PREDATOR

This all started as very innocent chat between old friends. However, typical of the cyberpath, he moved his agenda along seamlessly. He used phrases and words about himself that were meant for Target #1 to feel that way (while he felt nothing at all!) Target #1 had NO IDEA what he was doing. "J"/ Yidwithlid was all the time information gathering for MIRRORING, PROFILING, TENDERIZING HER MIND and LURING her in.

STAY 'TUNED!' More posts as the month goes along.

yidwithlid