excerpted from: "Why Do People Abuse?"
Understanding Abuse
People have difficulty understanding the motives of people who are involved in abuse. Why people choose to abuse other people is a common question.
Abuse situations must be lived in and experienced before their internal logic makes any sense. However, we can try to do our best to understand.
Why Do Cyberpaths Abuse?
The first question, "Why do people abuse other people?" has multiple answers. Some people internalized a particular relationship dynamic, namely the complementary roles of "abuser" and "victim". They are familiar with and fully understand the terror of being the helpless victim from their own childhood experience. The opposite of being a victim is not simply opting out of abuse; it is instead, to be abusive. Given the choice between being the out-of-control victim, or the in-control abuser, some of these people grow up to prefer the role of the abuser.
As they become adults, they simply turn this relationship dynamic around and start acting out the "abuser" side of the relationship dynamic. By choosing to be the aggressor and abuser, they may get their first sense of taking control over their own destiny and not being at the mercy of others. And the anonymity and disinhibition the internet provides feeds that.
Besides, online - others are only objects, not real people.
Still other people who abuse end up abusing because they have an empathy deficit, either because of some sort of brain damage, or because their innate empathic abilities never developed properly.
Such abusers cannot or will not relate to other people as people, choosing instead to treat them as objects. In effect, they confuse people for things. They treat people as though they were there solely for their convenience and do not otherwise have an independent, important life. Far too easy to do online!Abusers who treat people in this manner are very likely psychologically ill, incurably so. They may have an antisocial, sociopathic or narcissistic personality disorder, and they may have anger or impulse control issues and addition (internet, sex, love & drama) issues on top of that!
Such cyberpaths may abuse via the net because of the benefits they receive from doing so, for instance, sexual or financial gratification, or the simple allure of power over other people's lives.
A very good article, though I'd disagree strongly with this idea: "that they hurt others in the process may go unregistered or only occur as a dim part of their awareness, if at all."
ReplyDeleteIt may well appear that they have not even noticed. However, abusive people are master manipulators and often of a sadistic disposition. I contend that they know exactly what they're doing and that the pain they inflict is very much seen and registered, because their actions are calculated and deliberate. One only has to hear the pathetic so-called "apologies" of an abuser to know how meaningless and insincere they are. The whole object from the abuser's point of view *is* to hurt and this is done with absolute awareness on their part.
I recommend Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" which not only explains it all very well but, more importantly and perhaps for the first time in the world of psychology, takes ALL responsibility within abusive relationships away from the victim. This is such a vital step towards enabling those who have been unfortunate enough to become involved with (cyberpath or real life) abusers to recover their sense of dignity and empowerment.
Keep up the great work, fighters!
We agree with you. This article was extrapolated from another article on abusers... we simply present it as one view.
ReplyDeleteIn our experience and those of the victims we help, these cyberpaths RARELY apologize and even then it is NOT genuine.
Bancroft's book is excellent. But for someone just out of a predatory online relationship we recommend THE EMOTIONAL RAPE SYNDROME by Dr. Mike Fox. It is very validating. And after that, STALKING THE SOUL - hard to come by but well worth a read.
I had a request from a predatory psychopath for a fresh start including the handshake from hell to rebuild trust.
ReplyDeleteNot realising that he had inserted one or more fingers in his rectum prior to the handshake coldly calculated to cause harm & offensive embarassment !
When I rolled a cigarette and went to lick the gum strip I smelt excrement on my hand.
Threw the ciggy away washed hands in strong disinfectant.
Abuse intensified to self & others .
They know exactly what they are doing it is cold planned and calculated abuse.
Only answer is
NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN FOR ANY REASON