THE CYBER-LOTHARIO

Are you writing to someone who is romancing you off your feet? Does this guy seem to know just what to say or write that gets you a step or two further down the garden path?

Perhaps more dangerous than the notorious Internet rapists and murderers are the Cyber Lotharios. Maybe you know one. Smooth as silk. Seduction is his native language.

More dangerous, because these guys (well, there are girls too, but I am more familiar with the guys) are GOOD.

These guys are the Internet equivalent of a Bill Clinton, if Bill Clinton hadn't gotten caught. They are the cyber version of handsome -- they write beautifully, know just what you want to hear and tell you. They POUR it on, and for a thirsty (abused, lonely, sick, divorced or just unsuspecting) woman, it is nectar from the Gods.

These fellows post on dating/ reunion/ single parents/ penpal sites indefinitely, waiting for the unsuspecting newbie(s) to the site. You might contact him, he might contact you, but like an expert salesman, he knows a pigeon when he sees one.

Then slowly, softly, but determinably, he has his way with you.

How do you tell if you have one of these guys on the wire? What if he is a really nice guy, really meaning every word he says?

Well, one clue would be if you find yourself agreeing to or even doing things that you never would if you were in your right mind. Particularly if that has to do with sex. Or maybe money.

These guys make manipulation feel like a warm bath. They profile you subtley, making it seem like they are "interested" in you and actually "care" about you. (They don't.)

You just slide right in and it feels delicious.
But there is a certain vagueness or inconsistency, particularly about past relationships, and perhaps about future plans. ("I love you but I can't be with you....", "I have decided we can never be together", saying "I love you" before they have met you and spent SUBSTANTIAL TIME with you - and NOT in bed either!)

These guys may reassure, but they also will leave themselves a way out.

How can you tell?
Well, one thing you can do is ask for a relationship history. Then pay attention to how he responds, as well as what he actually says.

Does he groan and moan about doing the job? Is he grudging in what he tells you?

Or is he open and serious, understanding what you are asking and why?

Does he seem to have trouble remembering his own history, what her name was, what order the different relationships came in?

Does he offer some information but leave a LOT of blanks in what he says?

Is he reluctant to divulge, or does he sound like he is fudging?

Or does he hold up one old girlfriend or two as the "one who got away" or the most "incredible sex/ relationship I ever had"? (making you feel inadequate or that you have to DO things you're uncomfortable with to measure up!)

Does he make you feel like Number One; then over time - talk about the other Number Ones who left 'poor' him?

Does he say HE broke it off, then a few weeks or months later say SHE broke it off?

Does he say "I never should have married my wife" (if he admits to being married) or "the divorce is almost final"?

Does he get upset when you say you are going to run a background check on him?

Does he seem to be moving you fast towards a romantic getaway?

Maybe he makes plans for the two of you to meet, and reserves only one room.

Or does he hedge saying he can't control himself and doesn't know if you should meet?

Is he heavily sexually suggestive and titillating? Do most chats turn to sex?

Does he ask questions like "What are you wearing?" or "Are you alone?"

Even though a new and legitimate relationship can be highly sexually charged, a guy who is seriously interested in you and a possible future with you will be protective and understanding of you and your feelings.

If you feel antsy, pay attention. If your hormones may be doing your thinking, put on the brakes. Better to let this dangerous Clark Gable type swim away than to be left flat and busted.

Kathryn Lord - 2004