When The Cheater Finds You Have Been Spying

Dr. Robert Huizenga

My, how the cheating spouse/partner/ cyberpath cries foul when he/she discovers you are spying. (or found them out!)

Outrage can be intense: "How dare you!! I never thought you would stoop to that! How could you!? How can there be trust in this relationship if you do that? This is none of your business; I dont spy and go behind your back! Now you know why I want to pull away from you. How could I love anyone that would do something like that to me?" On and on...

Cheating husbands, cheating partners and cheating wives usually will not admit the duplicity of their clandestine behavior. But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the truth. It doesnt make sense, but then again not much about infidelity borders close to sanity.

Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the extramarital affair. The affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made.

You saw clearly the signs of a cheating partner. The affair invaded the domain of your marriage/relationship and crumbled its protective boundaries. The marital infidelity broke the contract of the marriage and the exclusivity of the relationship; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage/ relationship. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception.

Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. Its intent is to find the truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage or relationship and enable each person in the relationship to attain health and sanity.