Sunday, July 31, 2011

Facebook Rage

Once again - the victims are being blamed or called obsessed! Why are cheaters, liars and players FRIENDING their victims and/ or putting their business on Facebook in the first place? If they weren't acting like narcissistic creeps - there wouldn't be a problem.

And what about 50 year old married people who put their spouses and buddies on Facebook to make themselves look like good people (like Beckstead or Dunetz!) and then prey on vulnerable people on loads of other sites... all the while pointing to their Facebook saying "see, you can trust me!" - EOPC

Funny Pictures, Images and Photos

Social networking sites are causing an outbreak of jealousy among partners of online fans that researchers have dubbed "Facebook rage".

Suspicious lovers find it so easy to trawl profiles for photos or messages that may show their partner is a cheat (or misinterpret things on Facebook) that they become obsessed.

And the more time they spent with their online surveillance, the more jealous they feel, according to the study by the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada.

Psychologist Dr Brenda Wiederhold said: "This new forum might be impacting the dynamics of adult relationships."

Saturday, July 30, 2011

HOW NOT TO BE STALKED



Many cyberpaths may have personality disorders. Destructive Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, Sociopathy, etc.

The article below is on how to AVOID being stalked... it deals with a lot of real life relationships but can be easily extrapolated to deal with online relationships as well. Cyberpaths tend to have very poor impulse control and be obsessive, or addictive personalities as well. - EOPC


By Tim Pheil L.P.N.

This article is for those who may be in relationship with an obsessive person. Many times those with disorders become involved with those who also suffer. We have had marriages thru our chat room. We have also had bad relationships that ended in stalking, even across continents.

Lets face it, for every marriage there are 10 failed relationships. And those who suffer from the BPD (like myself) can obsess about relationships. As a sufferer I know the best thing you can do is learn to accept the end of a relationship and let go.

I will use myself as an example. Because of the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and sites like www.nonbpd.org . Some may find this to be “anti-BPD” but I am living nightmare these resource's talk about.

I’ll go in to my story and then finish with the Do's and Don’ts of an successful break–up with an obsessive person whether they suffer from the BPD or not.

One of the biggest factors of deterring whether a relationship is over is abuse. Physical, Mental or Emotional. I know that as an untreated sufferer can be very verbally abusive when dysporic. But you need to know what your limits are. After coming from a physically abusive relationship, I knew my breaking point was physical abuse.

Unfortunately I let my SO (Significant Other) because of more advance degree believe after 1st incident was that physical violence was a part of a normal relationship, thus I never called the police the first time. The second time I did. Unfortunately nothing was done, probably because after learning the abuser was a mental health consumer (despite fully acknowledging that she had used violence) nothing was done because they didn’t want to spend the night in the ER waiting for mental health to come take over. There was already a precedent of them being called to take this person to the Crisis Center for violence against objects (furniture).

A counselor at Mental Health suggested if the abuse got to bad that I should call relatives to see if they could help. So the mourning after the incident I called my daughter. But It was going to be 5 days till she could come get me. So I placated my SO. MY SO decided to go to her relatives in a near by town 3 days later. I called my daughter. Even after working 8 hrs she drove 4 hrs down to get me. As per instructed by the resources I had notified the local police that I was leaving and that there may be trouble and had programmed 911 into speed dial on the phone. Unfortunately she came home 2 hrs before my daughter got there. I had to do some really fast-talking to leave. I let my daughter know she was there and she drove as fast as she could fearing for my safety.

I took only what I prized most (computers). I made sure that everything was still working when I left (Telephone, Internet, Etc). I left everything else. Remember it's only things.

After moving I tried to keep working with her on the site but her decision was to start her own. After numerous phone calls, obscene messages on my answering machine and horrid emails I did as instructed and got a restraining order and changed my phone number. I though everything was fine till I learned she had simply changed her targets by harassing those who volunteer for the sanctuary (sending up to 10 emails a day) and even to those who followed her to her new site. Also the smear program toward me had started.

Some one had described the smear campaign as akin to the “I hate you, Don’t leave me” scenario. It becomes “if I can’t have you, no one can” to “I’ll make sure no one will want you because of the smear campaign."

Unfortunately when she was served the restraining order they gave her the police copy.

The one that says “Do Not Give to Respondent”. So we’ve moved. Changed both our phone number and my cell number.


I say we because after being here a short while my daughter introduced me to a wonderful woman whom I married.


Recently my ex sent me 4 emails despite the restraining order. The sheriffs Dept. came out and collected them. After reading them the deputy noticed one threatening to harass my fiancée at her job. He advised me to back to court and had me take the original restraining order. This I did, another long day in court. She learned of my wife's work place from our engagement and wedding announcements in our local newspaper. The local DA has received the incidents and will issue warrants which will then be transferred to the state and city where she resides. 4 emails equals 4 violations. So now its not a matter of if she's going to jail, but when. We did take precautions at our wedding.

My ex has since been to court twice having to go 200 miles to do so. She is on severe probation and will automatically go to jail for 1 year if she contacts me again.




Dos and Don'ts
  • Don’t have joint checking, credit cards, or vehicles with someone you’re not married to.
  • Do let your bank, electric, gas, insurance and phone companies know you just had a nasty break-up and password protect your accounts.
  • Do, if you rent, get renters insurance.
  • Do get a P.O. Box for your mail.
  • Do reformat your computer if you leave it at the end of a relationship, especially if you use online services.
  • Do change all your passwords to all the services you use on and offline and have them sent to a secure email.
  • Do expect a smear campaign against you to all your joint friends and acquaintances. What will be told will not be the truth, but what will get your ex-partner the most sympathy towards them and hatred towards you.
  • Do let your employer and friends and family know you expect it.
  • Do expect the unexpected.

Restraining Orders 101
  • Do call your local court and get the needed paper work filed out before going to court.
  • Do take any evidence of harassment with you to court.
  • Do expect to have to come back to court get a permanent restraining order.
  • Do expect to have to file multiple restraining orders if others are involved. In some states you can get an others added, in most you can get minor children added.
  • Do expect to wait in court.
  • Do get caller id on your phone.
  • Do make sure your phone number is unlisted if you change phone numbers.
  • Do remember any contact whether you receive it or not constitutes a violation. In my case 4 emails equals 4 violations. Even if you don’t pick up the phone and the caller IDs them the respondent is in violation.
  • Do call your local Police Dept or Sheriffs for any violation.
  • Do call your local Police Dept or Sheriffs if the respondent tries to use a 3rd party to convey messages or threats to you.
  • Do remember the laws are there to protect you, not your tormentor.


ARTICLE FROM THIS SITE

STALKING VICTIMS SANCTUARY - CLICK HERE

CYBERSTALKING: Obsessional Pursuit


EOPC cannot and does not intervene if you are cyberstalked or cyberharassed. We can only help you tell your story. For help please contact one of the other organizations listed.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Psychological torture as damaging as physical torture



By Jonathan M. Gitlin

The subject of torture has been in the news a lot lately, what with extraordinary rendition, secret prisons in Poland, detainee abuse, Iraqi torture facilities, and the fight between the US Congress and the White House over just what you can and can't do to a prisoner. Everyone is pretty much on board with the idea that causing physical pain, a la the TV show 24, is verboten. But in this brave new world, the techniques being employed are more sophisticated than such trusty old standbys like beating the soles of the feet or inserting and then breaking glass catheters.

Practices that have evolved from the men who stare at goats now aim to break down subjects through psychological means that leave no visible scars, and as a result they are far more palatable with the general public. Sleep deprivation, stress positions, sensory deprivation and the like are dismissed by pundits and defense lawyers as nothing like torture.

But the aftereffects of such treatment are at least as damaging to those on the receiving end, such as having teeth pulled out, being burned, or being electrocuted. Those are the findings of a new report in the Archives of General Psychiatry. The study, carried out by Dr. Metin Basoglu and colleagues from King's College London and Clinical Hospital Zvezdara, Belgrade, Serbia, involved interviewing 279 torture survivors from the former Yugoslavia. Their experiences were cataloged, and they rated each event on a scale of zero to four for distress and for loss of control, and whether or not they suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder.

The researchers identified seven categories of torture: "sexual torture; physical torture; psychological manipulations, such as threats of rape or witnessing the torture of others; humiliating treatment, including mockery and verbal abuse; exposure to forced stress positions, such as bondage with rope or other restrictions of movement; loud music, cold showers and other sensory discomforts; and deprivation of food, water or other basic needs." Physical torture rated between 3.2 and 3.8, and this figure was matched by 16 other practices, such as sham executions, rape, threat of rape, isolation and fondling of genitals. There was no lesser incidence of PTSD in those who had not been physically tortured. Dr Basoglu concludes that
the psychological practices which are in vogue right now " do not seem to be substantially different from physical torture in terms of the extent of mental suffering they cause, the underlying mechanisms of traumatic stress, and their long-term traumatic effects."

---------------------------------

contrary to what some mentally disturbed persons say about EOPC online, we:

  • do not harass or hack anyone or anyplace for any reason
  • do not impersonate people online
  • do not collect personal data or money, this site makes no profit
  • do not 'diagnose' online
  • do not intervene in exposures - we merely report (we do not fabricate - what we post comes from the victims, not us -- we can post our opinions only)
  • If you are harassed or stalked online, EOPC can not intervene - please see the link in the column at right for help.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

HOW TO AVOID LETTING A ONLINE PREDATOR PLAY WITH YOU


by CAZimmy818@aol.com

#1. If he sounds too good to be true, guess what, he's not !! He may just be 'mirroring' and profiling you while he moves in on you emotionally & spiritually.

#2 Make sure your antennas are in good working order, and when they talk to you, LISTEN CLOSELY. Don't bypass any red flags or a rise of your antennas. Don't tell yourself men are just 'that way' or you are 'making too much of' something.

#3 Don't center your life around this new friend. Fact of the matter is, he is just words on a screen. Keep up with friends in the real world

#4 If he tells you he loves you before meeting him face to face, don't believe him, they are only words to him; he doesn't feel them!!

#5. If he gives you a long sob story and always has a new crisis in his life. Run as fast as you can, and hide too. Would you truly want to live your life with one crisis after another?

#6. Before you go to private IM's with a new friend, spend time in the group chats with him and see how he interacts with other women, and continue to go to chats with him, even as the private friendship progresses !!

#7. Stick pretty close to home. Someone who you could meet for lunch, think about it, could be up to as much as 3 hours away !! If he refuses to meet you - WARNING!!! He's hiding something.

#8. All players have a mean streak underneath all that mush. Given time it will surface and when it does, don't ignore it! Does he pout or give guilt when you argue or set boundaries (you say: I need a few days to think about it.... and yet he continues to email or IM you)? Or when you're arguing, does he insist on staying on the computer when you try and phone. If you listen closely on the phone, you just may hear amusement in his voice! Or does he drop offline for days (probably blocking you while chatting to others) when things don't go his way?

#9. Seems that players move fast & quick with the: "I love you's, this was meant to be, it is God's plan, you are my soulmate, we are building a foundation for our love, let's tear down walls and build bridges," etc. Face it, ladies, this happens only on rare occasions and you don't fall in love with someone you have NEVER MET and spent time with.

#10. Even if you KNOW him (from an old job, school, old neighborhood) - if he pushes for quick sex, says he can't control himself, has to be with you - after not seeing or speaking to you for years - LOOK OUT!! This isn't the person you thought you knew.

#11. Surf a couple search engines on his name and nickname(s) and read EVERY PAGE THAT COMES UP... you'd be surprised what is on page 47!!

These men TARGET lonely women in bad marriages/ relationships, who may be abused, vulnerable, naive, middle aged, low self-esteem, disabled, single mothers and/ or are financially stable (so they can empty your bank account) and so on!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Is Your Online Sweetheart Telling the Truth?

With so many people asking the same question - perhaps now is the time to closely examine how to tell if the person you are dealing with on the "net" is, in fact, the person they are purporting to be. But how? How do we determine this? If we come out and blatantly interrogate them, they will no doubt be offended. On the other hand, this micro-scrutiny may well be what we have to resort to - and in turn, we must be prepared to subject ourselves to the same. Still, a cunning and masterful liar will jump through any hoops to satisfy their goal - so, after some thought, I have put together, based on my own experiences and insights, a list of possible ways to determine if you are dealing with an Honest person.

Listen To Them!
I cannot stress enough the importance of really "listening" to the person you are dealing with. Of course, the notion of "listening" to someone's words on the screen is ridiculous - but if you consider that in the sense they are "speaking" to you - this makes perfect sense. Do they sound too good to be true? We'd all really like to believe the person we are coming to enjoy knowing and speaking with is exactly as they say they are. We want nothing more than to take them at face value. But reading these stories we find often that the real-deal is the exception rather than the rule. Read what they are writing - pin them down on "iffy" details - if they refuse to be pinned, or remain evasive, consider that a RED FLAG and proceed with caution!

Does it Make Sense?
What if you are left with questions that, in your mind, really don't make sense - but the person you are speaking with has a quick explanation. Ask yourself, more than once - is it really believable? For example - "I'd love to meet you soon.. but I have some details or personal matters to take care of first" should provide a RED FLAG. While none of us wants to pry or probe for information, we have to ask ourselves "what kind of personal details or matters are so important that preclude this person from being able to meet me?" Do you have to ask online permission first to call someone? If so, that is a good indication that the person you are dealing with isn't really "free" to meet you at all. Who else lives there? Is it possible the person you are dealing with is still married? While it is true that many people looking for love on-line may still be married, and dealing with the aftermath of terminating their marriages - it's important to establish this well in advance of involving yourself with someone else. Most people understand that often, marriages can take time to end - that doesn't make the person any less available, as long as you can clarify details, and this can be accomplished by calling them at their home (once you have established a comfortable rapport with each other and have exchanged phone numbers). Call when they aren't expecting your call - do they have an answering machine? Who's voice is on it? Are they secretive, do they speak in hushed tones or are they angry or upset that you called without notice? These are pretty good indications that your unexpected call was not as welcome as you would have liked. If this is the type of response your surprise phone call receives, be prepared for some fancy footwork from the other person when they finally do hook up with you, while they explain the reasons for their reaction. Fancy footwork usually involves weaving a tale that on it's surface - sounds plausible, but little else. Do it again! If your first surprise phone call wasn't as welcome as you would have liked, do it again! If you get the same kind of reaction - you can draw your own conclusions. Make these calls at different times. This does not mean harass anyone! But a couple of calls spread out over the span of a week or two certainly do not equal harassment. After all.. this is someone who is supposedly very interested in you.

Current Photos!
With the issue of dishonesty or deception as to the other person's actual weight or age clearly being one of the main issues of Honesty - how do we accomplish the goal of finding out if they're telling the truth? I won't begin to discuss the issues surrounding why weight, etc., is so important.. suffice it to say - if you're telling the truth about yourself, then it doesn't matter. On the other hand, if you want to base a relationship on dishonesty, and the person you are speaking with has a clear idea as to your weight - and you're lying - why do you think you deserve to have any kind of relationship at all? Often, people will try to put off that inevitable first meeting for as long as possible when they are being dishonest about weight. The logical thinking behind this is that for as long as they can delay this, they will make every effort to lose this weight. Of course, this is ludicrous on it's surface as weight loss takes a long time, and people who haven't started a diet aren't likely going to be able to manage substantial weight loss to their own satisfaction in this time frame. But how do you know what they Really look like? Old pictures often tell a thinner or younger story - and we can be stunned or shocked to go to meet the person in the old picture, and find the real person - who we didn't even recognize! There are no shortage of excuses for "why" people don't have current pictures.. "I don't have a scanner", "I don't have a camera", "I haven't gotten the pictures scanned yet", "I don't have time" .. Let's be real here. Any photocopy service in this day and age does photo scanning. They charge an average of $10 (and that's judging from prices of about a year ago) and it takes less than an hour. With the emergence on the marketplace of low-cost personal scanners, we all probably know someone who has a scanner. No current picture? Nobody to take one for you? Heck, there's no shortage of places you can get a picture taken. I once resorted to asking the guy at the store where I buy my bottled water to take my picture, handing him my polaroid. If you aren't being dishonest about yourself, chances are, you have a current picture or have the means to get one. How do we know if it's a current picture? That indeed seems to be the big question here. The best idea I had (and this is lame, I know) is to hold up the day's newspaper (not in front of you, but just off to the side). Sure, the actual date will be impossible to read - but the day's headline sure won't be hard to miss!

The Scammers!
When you read these stories, you'll see that indeed, it is possible now to meet up with someone who isn't interested in you at all, but rather what you can do for them or what they can take from you (money, sex, property...). Too bad they're there - until we can find a means to stop them, the best we can do is protect ourselves. How do you know if someone is out to "con" you? Let's look at the theory behind "cons" or "confidence" people. That's how they work isn't it? The put you at ease immediately, they agree with everything you say, they pour out undying and heartfelt emotions almost immediately. How is it possible?? How can they "love" you almost immediately without ever having met you? I've heard the lamest arguments on this point "well what about in the olden days with pony express? People met, fell in love and married that way all the time!" Uh huh.. hellooo! This is not the 1800s.. we have the means, we have the technology - why would ANYONE make this kind of argument to validate their feelings for someone else? If you defend that train of thought - I'll expect to see your story here sooner or later.
The fact is - "LOVE" is not possible without physically meeting someone or spending a lot of time in getting to know them IN PERSON and not in bed! I will not argue that infatuation is possible, or that feelings of joy, contentment and overwhelming desire are possible. But the "connection" between two people who have not met is not.
Why the rush to love? These people aren't going anywhere.. I can certainly understand the feelings of loneliness and the wonder and joy of being "in love" and having someone who "loves" you in return. It's Wonderful!! But.. it takes a bit of time. Anyone Who tells you they love you within the first 6-8 weeks or so of knowing you online is a liar! There, I've said it - it's out. Would you believe anyone who, in real life, told you they loved you if they'd just met you the week before? No way! Same rules apply here. NOT POSSIBLE. When and if you hear those three little words that mean so much, step back. Step back hard and tell them you are doing just that. If it's "real" or "true" love, it will last forever and stand the test of time, and they will respect that you question your feelings and thiers. If it's still "love" after a few weeks or a month - meet and meet soon!! You will know when you meet in person if what you felt online is what you feel for them in person.


Why Meet Soon? - Let's face it - the internet provides us several unique opportunities to meet a great number of people from one "site". Personals sites list several thousand people each - chat rooms give them the chance to interact - e-mail affords them the privacy to correspond with several people at once. If you have the means to meet people who live far away - wonderful! When you meet that "special someone" and you feel very strongly for them, and you believe that they are honest and genuine - meet them soon! Find out before you make emotional investments if they are the same in person as they were online. Spare yourself the agony of allowing yourself to "feel" for them online, to live for their letters, only to find out that you were not the only one, or that your online feelings did not translate "in real life" when you met them face to face and found out that really, the spark was not there. Be true to yourself, if you do not have the means to sustain a long distance relationship - don't pursue one. Yes, I know, you will have to make yourself wait longer to meet someone from a closer area, but too many have already invested heavily in trips they could ill afford only to find disappointment and deception on the other end. (and meet in a PUBLIC PLACE, tell at least 2 people where you are going and who you are meeting- maybe take one with you!! And if they PUSH for SEX right away because they "have to have you" - even if you have had cybersex online - FORGET IT!!! This is an online SEXUAL predator who probably has a few "special men or ladies" on their hook!!)

Background Checks - There are services that I have recently found - that cater especially to those of looking for love on the internet. They are extremely affordable - and for a minimal price - you can find out some things about the person you are becoming interested in - even if these aren't things you really wanted to know. Check them out (see the link in the right margin) - this is a good resource.

(from site owner) GOOGLE or MAMMA or DOGPILE THEM! - Use a couple search engines and search on their nickname and their real name. Zabasearch.com will come up with an address and possible true date of birth if you have a name and city/state. Scroll through and read ALL the hits - even if there's 22 pages of them. You'd be surprised what you might find on page 21. Use the links in our right margin too!

Summing Up - In Summary - I have addressed my thoughts on how to tell if people are honest. They include:

1. Listen to them! Watch for stories or aspects about them that sound "iffy" or evasive. Press them for details and stand firm if they try to lead the conversation away from those details!

2. Get a Current Photo! It's tough to ask someone to take a picture holding a newspaper - but if they are who they say they are - you need only explain to them you've "been there, done that" with others who were deceptive or dishonest - and you just really need to know, that it's not personal. If they take it personally, there is yet another RED FLAG for you to pay attention to!

3. Take Your Time! If they seem to have fallen in love with you almost immediately (without meeting you in person or within the first 5-6 weeks of knowing you) - Step Back!. Why are they telling you so soon that they love you? Why the rush to love? Sure, we all love being in love - but why the rush? If it's meant to be it will last forever. TAKE YOUR TIME! They aren't going anywhere and if they are, you should be worried anyway!

4. Meet Them Soon! Do not allow yourself to make a sizeable emotional investment in anyone that isn't able to meet you! People who delay or put off that first meeting, it would seem, have something to hide. Insist on meeting them within a month of meeting them online. Allow yourself that month to get to know them and determine if after that month, you still feel for them. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet them in person to see if it's really "love". Be kind to yourself. If they're the right person - nothing you could ask them would put them off. If they've spent any time on the net - they've had similar experiences and Should Be Asking The Same of You!! And if they're not - perhaps you should wonder why... (and don't go to meet them ALONE or in a motel/hotel!! Meet in an OPEN PUBLIC PLACE the first few times)

5. Background Checks - This is accessible to you - if you have ANY RED FLAGS - use the service above or one like it. You can be sorry for something you didn't do for a very long time - using common sense is something you'll never regret.

Original article HERE

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Man Gets 18 Years in Prison for Internet Harassment


By Kat Asharya

A Minnesota (USA) hacker received 18-years in jail for cyber-harassment against his neighbors, demonstrating the chaos that hacking can cause on a personal level.

Barry Ardolf, 46-year-old angered his neighbors, Matt and Bethany Kostolnik, after kissing their young son. Ardolf then allegedly hacked into the Kostolniks' Wi-Fi router and hijacked e-mail accounts to frame them for child pornography, sexual harassment and professional misconduct.

"Barry Ardolf has demonstrated by his conduct that he is a dangerous man. When he became angry at his neighbors, he vented his anger in a bizarre and calculated campaign of terror against them," said prosecutor Timothy Rank in a court filing. "And he did not wage this campaign in the light of day, but rather used his computer hacking skills to strike at his victims while hiding in the shadows."

For example, Ardolf created a fake MySpace page for the husband, where he posted a picture of young teens engaged in sexual activity. He then e-mailed child porn to Kostolnik's co-workers at a law firm using Kostolnik's e-mail account, in addition to sending flirtatious messages to women in Kostolnik's office.

However, Ardolf pushed too far when he used the Kostolnik accounts to send a message threatening Vice President Joe Biden, which drew the involvement of the Secret Service and FBI. Working with packet sniffers installed by Kostolnik's law firm on its network, the federal agencies pinpointed Ardolf.

The FBI got a search warrant for Ardolf's house and computer, where they found large amounts of evidence, including hacking manuals and data copied from the Kostolnik's computers. They also found handwritten notes laying out Ardolf's detailed revenge plans, as well as messages for the family.

"I told you about a year ago that you should be very afraid. I can destroy you at will, you sorry-ass excuse for a human," one letter said.

Ardolf's campaign of cyber-intimidation may be small in scale in comparison to the spate of hacker intrusions into corporations and government websites over recent months, but it is a reminder of how deeply entrenched technology is with everyday life, and how more and more consumers must be vigilant against security threats.

"Over months and months, he inflicted unfathomable psychic damage, making the victims feel vulnerable in their own home, while avoiding detection," said Rank.

In addition to the 18-year prison sentence, Ardolf, who had no previous criminal record, forfeited his house and computer gear. Further investigation revealed he also hijacked the Wi-Fi networks of other neighbors and harassed them as well. He eventually pleaded guilty to identity theft and two child pornography accusations carrying lifetime sex-offender registration requirements.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

Monday, July 25, 2011

DEALING WITH YOUR OUTRAGE - WHEN YOU FIND OUT YOU'VE BEEN USED

When a narcissistic type (most cyberpaths & predators are NARCISSISTIC and/ or SOCIOPATHIC!) launches one of his surprise attacks, a normal person's first reaction is to assume it's a misunderstanding and try to resolve it. That's her first mistake. She does this because she assumes she is dealing with a normal human being, who must have felt offended by something.

But a narcissist evades and discourages your attempts to find out why he's mad.

Typically he does this with a reply that is a reply to something other than what you said. So, to an observer who entered at your question it would seem that you are like two actors saying lines from the scripts of different plays. In fact, that is essentially what's happening. Remember, the narcissist has the personality of a little child, who does not distinguish between reality and fantasy. So, his off-the-wall reply IS a line from a script, the fiction about this incident that he is imagining.

This is how the verbal exchange typically plays out. You ask why he's mad. He has no answer that he dares acknowledge, so the question is a threat to his delusions. At all costs, he must protect them. So, he annihilates your question by acting as though you never asked it. You get a comeback that replies to something other than what you said.

That's his way of crossing out your words and revising them. Typically his non-answer hurls an incitatory insult, hurtful flippant comment or wild accusation. It's bait to draw you off the scent.

His favorite wild accusation is that YOU are always hurling wild accusations at him. Before you know it, this living, breathing Projection Machine is acting out a fictitious script in which YOU are the one who got mad, YOU are the one "flying into one of your rages" over nothing.

And he is doing his best to make it so. He is trying to outrage you. Moreover, outraging you will really make him feel grand about how mightily he vaunted himself on you.

Victims typically report that the narcissist twists everything so fast and furiously that it makes their heads spin. CLICK HERE FOR A GREAT EXAMPLE

Sanity will get no further with him on these points than it did on the first point. For, he ain't all there. He's off in his own little world, simultaneously writing the play and acting out the part of the hero in it.

If you contradict these lies (by telling the truth), he will do whatever is necessary to cram them down your throat. (sounds like
Beckstead, Thomas & Dunetz/ YidwithLid, Gash, Jacoby, Capers, Hicks)

Like a three-year-old, volume is his weapon of choice: He will scream to yell you down and silence you. Or post lies & smear about you all over the web. If that doesn't work, he'll probably get physical. (if he stalks you he will find a way to make it look like YOU are the stalker! Including reporting YOU to the police)

Also, narcissists relentlessly block communication by yanking a conversation bewilderingly off track every which way at once. They say it's "not a good idea" that you two talk. Maybe their girlfriend, wife or boss (or THERAPIST!) doesn't want you talking anymore to each other. Convenient way to duck out of the truth and a real apology.
They LOVE when THEY'VE involved you in infidelity - they BLAME you for the whole thing, say you "KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO" or "IT WAS JUST A GAME AND SHE KNEW IT" and then say their counselor, pastor, rabbi, priest says that "you have to stop speaking to her." Makes it really easy for them, don't it?

So, rarely can you say afterwards what a rage or an argument was even about. Usually it's some vague rendition of you just being the way you are. And the narcissist says he doesn't have to put up with that. Its HIS story - or it's NO STORY!!

You can't even just try to smooth it over with some form of appeasement. You try to take down postings about them, say you're sorry too, offer to talk - but NOOOOOOO! That's about as effective as it was with Adolf Hitler. His eyes light up at that — vroom! — he just shifts into high gear and runs you over. In other words, he just gets madder.

Because you gave an inch, he takes a mile.


He acts like he's the one who is outraged, but that's part of the farce produced by his Magical Thinking Machine. You are the one subjected to outrage.

This is a willful and wanton outrage. Their aim is to outrage you, to break you down into burning outraged tears. That's victory for the bully.

The reason all this outrages you is because it is an outrage. Especially in trying to cram his lies about you down your throat. That's extreme perversity — making someone bend over for it.

And, if you have any respect for Truth, his willful and wanton contempt for it is another outrage.

So, don't let anybody send you on a guilt trip over this. First, you did nothing to provoke it except get caught in his cross hairs.
Second, don't let any airhead who just mouths whatever nonsense blows in the wind today tell you that you shouldn't be angry or to "just let it go."

It is absurd to regard feelings as wrong or sinful. If a person gets burnt, there's something wrong with him if he doesn't feel burnt. Feelings are not a matter of choice, an act of the will. We can lie about them. We can deny/repress them. But we can't change them.

Know your anger. Because it's dangerous to repress it. Doing so just banishes it to the subconscious where it still motivates your behavior like an unseen puppet master.

Know your anger, so you can deal with it appropriately and temper it with reason and good judgment.

ORIGINAL
~~~~


He sees himself as right, the victim, or the only one that knows anything at all. He sees you as the re-victimizer of him, wonderful and yet horrible, needed and yet hated, smart yet dependent on him, in need of his brilliance, faulty without him, as pathological as he is... and the list goes on.

Pathology is the inability to change and sustain change, grow in any meaningful way, or develop insight about how one's behavior effects other. If he can't change he projects his inability on you and makes it YOUR fault or YOUR inability to change that is the problem in the relationship. He acts as if he should not be asked to change or he has changed when he hasn't. He makes you 'think' that you asked for something huge and wrong for him to change OR that what needs changing is only you and nothing in him.

If he can't grow in any meaningful way, he projects his non-growth onto the relationship and suggests it's the relationship stagnation you are really experiencing. If you could only GROW to accept him in all his pathology, then the relationship would thrive. If he can't develop insight about how his behavior effects others, he projects his undeveloped insight on you and says these are your traits. And you simply don't understand 'what you are doing to him.' All his anger is yours, all his deviancy is yours, you are just as sick as he is which is why you are a great match, all his lying is yours, all his manipulations are yours.

That's because in pathology they are MASTER PROJECTORS. It is in fact, one of the 'symptoms' of pathology. They take all their pathological attributes and say they are YOURS.

The Master Projection he uses causes similar symptoms as people who have been held captive, thrust into cults, or held prisoner in other people's belief systems. These are intensely programmed beliefs that are not 'removed' simply because you break up.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The "Internet" Guide to Emotional Blackmailers

BlackMail

(It doesn't take a lot to apply this to the ONLINE EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILERS out there on the net - read carefully and TAKE HEED!! - EOPC)

A Girl's Guide to Avoiding the Emotional Blackmailer
by Suzanne Watts

The Emotional Blackmailer is easy to recognize, but women seldom do until they are well and truly sucked into his web. It is best to avoid getting close to him because it is quite difficult to get away from him. Stalkers start out as emotional blackmailers. Just the word "blackmailer" should give you a clue of what depth of self-centered behaviour is lying in wait to be sprung on you the minute you are hooked. Here are the roots and the signs, the way he progresses to hook his victim, and how to get away from him.

What Creates an Emotional Blackmailer?

A combination of neglect, overprotectiveness, coldness, spoiling and lack of nurturing in infancy and childhood. This can be ascertained by comments he makes about his parents - both of them. He will hate them and resent them, while still taking his laundry home to mommy even when she lives in the next STATE. His mom is blamed for him not knowing how to do anything - she never even taught him to make his bed or hang up his wet towel, and she didn't feed him; his dad is blamed for him choosing a profession that he is ill-suited for - any profession that wasn't his dad's. He will say they are both critical of him, and never gave him any support for anything he wanted to do to better himself. This may be the sad truth, but he uses it as an excuse to get everyone he meets for the rest of his life to serve his needs. He does not have empathy - in this way he is like the sociopath to whom people are objects.

The "Modus Operandi" of the Emotional Blackmailer

He is too good to be true - He is soft-spoken and polite, he smells good, he looks good, he is kind and loves women, he is respectful, he doesn't come on too strong FOR THE FIRST FEW MEETINGS ONLY. He's always on the lookout for a patsy, but he's in no hurry as there's always another one around the corner so he'll take his time in coming on to you. In fact you'll wonder why he's not attracted to you; you might think he is gay, and be all the more attracted to him because he just wants to chat and be friends.

He'll be there more and more frequently - gazing at you with puppy dog eyes; wanting to know everything about you, asking your advice, making it look like you are getting to know each other and forming a bond.

He will put himself in the best possible light - including lying through his teeth about his ambitions, activities, hopes and dreams.

His seduction techniques are often subtle and well-practiced - It will seem he did nothing to seduce you until you look back and analyze it. He sat and stood close to you, he brushed against you, but it didn't seem to be on purpose.

He suddenly "Turns on the Charm" and turns up the heat - Once you're hypnotized by his sweetness and modesty and respectfulness, he will pounce on you one night and turn into a Mr. Hyde. It "just happened." This is the critical moment to run away, don't let him touch you. He'll leave you breathless wondering what exactly happened. He'll turn on all the charm full force and you'll be wanting him from then on, yet wanting some breathing room. You won't get any. Ever. It won't bother you at first - you'll think he's attentive and ardent.

He starts using the wine/dine/lines technique - Once you're "seeing" each other, he'll be a real swain, wining and dining you, going for romantic walks, discussing how amazing this new relationship is, how different you are from any woman he ever met; he'll insist on elegant dinners and pay for them, and he'll talk about your remarkable beauty and how "alike" you are. He will talk about your "resonance" and describe all the awful women he knew before who didn't want a good man - who wanted someone to abuse them.

All of this is meaningless talk. He uses the same lines on every woman.

He becomes clingy and controlling - He will start seeing you nearly every day and each time insist on knowing exactly when the next date will be. It won't matter if you spent 8 hours with him on Sunday, unless you agree to another date Monday or Tuesday it will all be for nothing; he will be unhappy and hound you for a commitment because he is insatiable for attention and security - he needs to know when he will get his next fix.

He will whine and even shed tears - if you say you have other things to do, other people to see, or want to be alone after seeing him 8 days in a row. He enjoys being abused, so if you scream at him it only makes him feel more secure. He got used to fighting all around him as a child and he equates fighting with love.

He'll start demanding that you "prove your love" - In time you will be expected to pay for your own lunch and dinner when you go out, and sometimes for his too. The only way to avoid it is to order nothing and just watch him eat. That is the only way to avoid being asked to "help out" because he is short this week. At this point you will be asking yourself, "What am I doing this for?" You have become nothing but his prop. You will be asked to buy him books, dishes, household goods and help him with his bills to "prove your love" because he's shown how much he loves you; he will expect you to cancel family engagements to spend time with you, see him even if you're ill. He has become your jailer. The key is: he demands CONSTANT proof of your love.

He will "seem" to accept your decision to break up - As the months roll along and you are tired of his constant presence, begging, whining, using up all your spare money and having unreasonable control of your life, you will decide to break up with him. He will then agree to back off, give you some space, and try to do better. These are all lies.

He'll tell you he has "changed" - No matter how many times you break up with him, he will call you to tell you that he needs you, that he has changed, and he will say it all in a calm voice as if he respects your decision to come back or not. His game is to stay away just long enough that you forget his annoying traits and miss the good parts. But if you agree to even one meeting it will be back to daily visits and demands for constant pampering again.

Getting Rid of the bastard

The only way to get rid of the emotional blackmailer is when he has found another willing victim to be his patsy. He will already be courting her while seeing you and you will know this when he starts being late for every date (he is juggling two or more women per day). Once he has the new person in his thrall and has nothing to lose by losing you, he will drop you like a hot potato - over the phone or via email or just disappear.

Beware of his "surprise" return - This is not the end of it if the new woman disappoints him in any way - if she has less money than he expected, if she demands good behaviour, if she doesn't give him enough attention. Then he will be at your door (on your IM) again. This happens about 2 or 3 months after he dropped out of your life.

He prey's on sympathy, and lives to control - He will then say he is leaving her, but his purpose is to have both women in his control - perhaps one for money and one to scream at him, and both for companionship. He gets a high from controlling people, because as a child he had no control over anything and frequently felt abandoned. This is why the more women who feel sorry for him, give him food, listen to him, go out with him, the better he feels and behaves. However, he is telling each of them the same thing: they are the best, the most beautiful, the most like him, he wants to spend the rest of his life with ONLY THEM.

The character of the Emotional Blackmailer

Everything he says or does is for gain. He does nothing for the sheer joy of it, or because he likes people or wants to build a relationship: he is looking ahead to what he can get out of the person: sex, housekeeping, cooking, emotional support, someone pretty to be seen with, money, someone to listen to him spin his tales of woe, what have you. Loyalty or faithfulness are not in his nature.

He will become vicious and even violent if he is crossed, contradicted or denied what he wants. This is a rare occurrence but his rage is something to behold. It looks exactly like the tantrum of a five year old. That is still his emotional age, although he has the smooth moves of a Casanova down pat.

How to extricate yourself from the Emotional Blackmailer:

Cutting off Contact

One way out is to cut off all contact. Even one phone call or meeting will put you back in his control if you get back into the same pattern of doing what he wants when he wants it. He is a master manipulator who will prey on your sympathy for him as a human being.

Any time spent reasoning with him is wasted - he doesn't hear a word you say. All arguments are circular. If you discuss codependence, he says it doesn't exist, that it's a psychobabble word for two people caring for each other. If he has no answer to your logic he will remain silent and wait for you to shut up, then start with his argument again.

Talking about wanting to see other friends only enrages him; makes him want you more. You should seem to be dateless, uninteresting, and undesired by other men, as well as uninterested in any man, period.

After you have cut off contact, he will stalk you for a while if he doesn't have a replacement lined up yet, but this will cease because it isn't fulfilling enough for him. He NEEDS feedback, anger, someone to scream at him. Any kind of attention pleases him - he is a true masochist who would enjoy being slapped.

You must ignore him completely and utterly.

Turning the Tables

Another way to ditch the Emotional Blackmailer is to turn the tables on him. A man who is so good at manipulating is also easily manipulated to do whatever you want IF you do it the right way. It can be fun to turn the tables on him if you want revenge for all the time he wasted and the misery he gavae you. You can be rid of him within a few weeks without avoiding him by doing the following:

Exhibit jealousy and make it clear that you won't share him with anyone else, and you expect to spend the rest of your life with him and have exclusive rights over him. This will make him feel suffocated for a change and he will be eagerly stepping out on you while claiming he wants only you.

Lose interest in doing anything you used to do for him or with him; stop taking him seriously; don't listen to his rants about his job; ridicule his ideas, act bored and make it clear you see him only as a useful decoration. Tell him to grow up, tell him you are well aware of his manipulative games but you like him anyway and demand he be faithful to you. This will scare him and make him step up his efforts with the other women, and he will soon be out of your life. When he comes crawling back, you tell him you require faithfulness and he's ruined it for you: he will have no answer for that and he will have lost.

A Final Note:

Healthy, non-manipulative men:

Don't beg

Don't (send you photos of themselves) and then ask you if they are good looking enough for you/ or if you are o.k. with what they look like

Don't tell you that you're "the best"

Don't use the lines "if you really loved me", or "prove you love me by doing this for me". or "if you really trusted me you wouldn't check up on me" ...

Don't put down their former girlfriends or wives

Don't threaten suicide if you refuse to see them or refuse to see you because of their "control" issues

Don't whine about how frustrated they are emotionally or sexually

Don't get angry or sulk if you have other plans and can't chat with them - they find other things to do

Don't disappear for weeks or months without telling you

Don't disappear for days or weeks online just because you said NO or won't play their game

Understand when you aren't feeling well

Respect your right to have other friends

Are O.K. if you tell other people about the online relationship

Pay their own way in life

Don't tell you "I love you" before they have even met you and spent IN PERSON time with you (months at least!)


Don't bring sex talk into the online relationship until they have met you and get to know you for a few months.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

HOW DOES A CYBERPATH LEARN TO BE A CYBERPATH?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

"the way they interact with others makes them extremely potent manipulators. How potent? So potent that their powers of manipulation are spooky and seem downright magical.

"How does the way they interact with others make them such expert manipulators? Because practice makes perfect, and they have been practicing the art of manipulation in every interaction since birth.

"Indeed, in playing to the mirror of your face, that's what they're doing, isn't it? Manipulating you. Everything they say and do is entirely for effect, to get the reaction they want from you. That IS manipulation.

"They're regulating, manipulating your reactions. But you aren't like them. Your reactions come from within. So, what are they ultimately regulating and manipulating? Your thoughts. Manipulation is mind control.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
"Manipulation is a subtle thing. So subtle that we are usually unaware of being manipulated, unless the manipulator blows it and breaks the spell. So, manipulators are putting thoughts into our heads that we think are ours. A very dangerous thing.

"Since a narcissistic cyberpath isn't acting on normal human premises, since all he is doing is playing you for the reaction he wants, truth is irrelevant. Truth or lies — it's all the same to him. Whichever works. Usually that's lies.

"It would be more correct to say that there is no such thing as truth to a narcissistic cyberpath. Because there is no such thing as truth when playing Pretend. That's why narcissists and psychopaths beat lie detector tests. (In fact, so do many people from "shame" cultures where lying to save face of oneself, one's family, one's tribe, and one's religion is considered morally necessary and expected.)

"Psychopathic Cyberpaths are known to get so good at manipulating people that, by the time they're teenagers, they routinely fool and manipulate mental healthcare professionals, judges, prison officials, parole boards, and social workers who know they are psychopaths, are on the lookout for attempts to manipulate them, and should be immune to manipulation.

"It isn't a matter of intelligence: it's a matter of practice, experience. This is because most of what transpires in interaction happens too quickly to think it through.

"This phenomenon is called Natural Learning. It's how we learn to walk and talk."

ORIGINAL ARTICLE
~~~~~~~~~~
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

excerpt (with edits to apply to cyberpaths)
He gets her to reveal what she is seeking in a relationship. He will be sure to meet all her requirements item for item until she is hooked. Women indicated they told the [cyber]path who and what they were looking for in a person. They also told the [cyber]paths all of their hopes and dreams, not knowing that these disclosures would eventually be used against them.

[Cyber]paths largely “learn” these skills through mirroring or mimicking since they are not part of their true emotional repertoire. Some [cyber]paths say they have learned how to lure by watching romantic movies or eavesdropping on other relationships so they understand the linguistics (what to say to her), behaviors (how to act), and romantic gestures (what women like).

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Another Thank-You from a Reader!


I just wanted to thank you guys for doing what you do!

When I was 15 I became involved with someone I met via World of Warcraft. About 6 months later, my world was turned upside down.

You guys do an amazing job of capturing how online predators get what they want and it really helped me come to terms with what happened. 3 years later, the whole ordeal haunts me. While it was unfolding, I tried making my own site to help myself sort out my thoughts, it was nothing compared to your blog.

Reading what you post also helped me settle in my heart how it could happen and why, it also made me feel less alone enough to press charges.


3 years later, http://sexoffender.dsp.delaware.gov/cgi-bin/sexoff.cgi/d?opt=00004809
exists and I'm majoring in criminal justice, minoring in computer forensics.

I've never gotten around to telling you how much your site has helped so here it is.


Keep up the good work!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Facebook: A Place for Cyberstalking

by Mat Bettinson

So says the National Centre for Cyberstalking Research

The first British study into so-caller 'cyberstalking' has fingered Facebook as the most likely avenue for the harassment suffered by online stalking victims.

Prepared by researchers from the University of Bedfordshire's National Centre for Cyberstalking Research (yes, there is such a thing), the draft report called Cyberstalking in the United Kingdom (pdf) has been presented to MPs as part of a parliamentary inquiry into Cyberstalking.

The report authors said that males were more likely to experience a "harasser" damage their reputation while women were more likely to "focus on fear of physical harm," the report said.

Most of those surveyed by the report had their initial contact with their stalker offline, although eight per cent initially met via social networking. However after the initial contact, social networking was the preferred method for cyberstalkers to harass their victims, ahead of webmail and text messages.

The report authors said that providers of online services had a "duty" to their users to combat cyberstalkers.

"There needs to be a clear process so users know how to report harassment and a time limit so a site must respond within a set number of days," report author Professor Carsten Maple told the BBC.

Monday, July 18, 2011

NET ABUSERS ARE PATHOLOGICAL


IT'S OFFICIAL: NET ABUSERS ARE PATHOLOGICAL
By Evan Schuman, TechWire


Another yardstick of success will be achieved by the Internet community: It will be awarded its first official mental health disorder.


The newly identified disorder will be dubbed Pathological Internet Use (PIU) and will be christened during the presentation of a major medical paper at the annual convention of the American Psychological Association in Chicago.

The term is being coined by Dr. Kimberly Young, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh at Bradford, in Bradford, Pa. With her paper's presentation, the APA will classify excessive Internet use as addictive, in the same way that drugs (including alcohol), gambling, video games, and some types of eating disorders are today officially considered addictive.

Like those other ailments, Internet addiction starts when the rest of the person's life starts to fall apart, the paper stated. The Internet is a fine hobby or work tool, until it causes problems with social partners, work, or school, Young said.

Young studied 396 cases of PIU-afflicted people and drew some overall conclusions.

Net marketers need not fear, as traditional Web surfing accounted for only 7 percent of the Internet addicts and even more information-oriented tools (gophers and FTP sites, for example) represented only an additional 2 percent.

"Upon examination, traditional information protocols and Web pages were the least utilized compared with more than 90 percent who became addicted to the two-way communication functions: chat rooms, MUDs [Multi-User Dungeons], newsgroups, and E-mail," Young said. "This makes the case that database searches -- while interesting and often time-consuming -- are not the actual reasons Dependents become addicted to the Internet."

Young said one surprise in the results was the lack of high-tech people among the addicted. "While it is a common perception that those addicted to the Internet are computer savvy individuals, these demographic results show that only 8 percent came from high-tech jobs," she said. "Compare this to the 42 percent who indicated having no permanent jobs and the 39 percent who worked in low-tech fields. It is typically newbies who become excessive Internet users."

Among the jobs that she classified as low-tech were secretaries, bank tellers, teachers, advertising executives, and journalists.

The report said that the attraction of the Internet revolves around its perceived anonymity, where people feel comfortable acting out in ways they would never consider in real life.
"The ability to enter into a bodiless state of communication enabled users to explore altered states of being that fostered emotions that were new and richly exciting," Young said. "Such uninhibited behavior is not necessarily an inevitable consequence of visual anonymity, but depends upon the nature of the group and the individual personality of the online user."

"For those who felt unattractive, it was perceived easier to pick up another person through cybersex than in real life," she said.

But beyond sexual issues, newsgroups and chat lines allow people to literally create and secretly test new personalities before trying them out in the real world. "Beyond amusement, reinventing oneself is a way to fulfill an unmet need. The loss of a social identity online allows one to reconstruct an ideal self in place of a poor self-concept," Young said. "Those who suffer from low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, or frequent disapproval from others are at the highest risk" of becoming Net addicts.

She quoted one participant in the survey as telling her,
"By day, I am a mild-mannered husband, but at night I become the most aggressive bastard online."

The addiction can become a problem when the new emotional creation makes inroads into real lives or when the time spent in the virtual life takes away from responsibilities in the real life.

The addicted Internet user will spend an average of 38 hours per week online dealing with nonemployment/nonacademic efforts, compared with "nonaddicts" in the survey who averaged eight hours. Almost half of the participants diagnosed with PIU reported that they get less than four hours of sleep per night due to late log-in sessions.

Another reason for some of the addictions is the sense of community that some newsgroups create. "With routine visits to a particular group (chat area or newsgroup, for example), a high degree of familiarity among other group members is established.

Like all communities, the cyberspace culture has its own set of values, standards, language, signs, and artifacts, and individuals adapt to the current norms of the group," Young said.

"One can easily become involved in the lives of others almost like watching a soap opera and thinking of the characters as real people," she said.

Young's report said that this is especially attractive to people who might find it difficult to establish other social circles. "Homebound caretakers, the disabled, retired individuals, and homemakers have limited access to others," she said.

Internet addiction centers have already been created at facilities ranging from the University of Maryland at College Park to Proctor Hospital in Peoria, Ill., to Harvard affiliate McLean Hospital.

The test group broke down into 157 men and 239 women; the average age for the males was 29, and the average age for the women was 43 .

WHAT CONSTITUTES PATHOLOGICAL INTERNET USE?
Do you:

* feel preoccupied with the Internet (i.e., thinking about the Internet when offline)? * feel a need to use the Internet with increasing amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction? * have an inability to control your Internet use?

* feel restless or irritable when attempting to cut down to stop Internet use?

* use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a poor mood (i.e., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression)?

* lie to family members or friends to conceal the extent of involvement with the Internet? (i.e. online sexual interaction with anonymous persons, online relationships your family/friends know nothing about, having an online life that only you know about?)

* jeopardize or risk the loss of significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunity because of the Internet?

* after spending an excessive amount of money on online fees (such as for online gambling, porn or shopping), often return another day?

* go through withdrawal when offline (e.g., increased depression, anxiety, etc.)?

* stay online longer than originally intended?

Individuals who met four or more of these criteria during a 12-month period were classified as dependent.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE