Online Daters Burned by Lies

ONLINE DATING CAN BE DANGEROUS

An estimated 40 million Americans use online dating services hoping to meet "the one." There are more than 1,400 Web sites in the $700 million a year business, but some question their safety.

Prosecutors say a Philadelphia nursing student was conning women on match.com. He was convicted in 2007 of assault, but the accusations don't end there. His victims, described as attractive, ambitious professionals say their lives will never be the same.

Prosecutors said Jeffrey Marsalis, 34, told some tall tales, pretending to be a doctor, an astronaut and even a spy to lure women on Internet dating sites.

"He faces up to 20 years in prison and he will have to register as a sexual offender for the rest of his life," said prosecutor Joe Khan.

Marsalis was convicted of sexual assault. However, he was acquitted of more serious charges that he drugged and then raped seven women in his apartment.

"You read about it, you see it on TV but you just don't think it can happen to you," one anonymous victim said.

She said she knows about tricksters like Jeffrey Marsalis and how easy it is to be duped online. According to her, a man she met on a Christian dating Web site was seeing 60 other women from 25 different Web sites. He pretended to be everything from a country music manager to a Pentagon consultant. He even lied about having cancer, she said.

She claims he stole thousands of dollars from his victims.

"Mentally, it just about broke me to think that I had been so naive, when I don't consider myself to be a very naive person," she said. "And of course, I was worried about my safety." She may have good reason to be. Dozens of Internet dating cases have ended in tragedy. And experts said it's only getting worse.

"Men especially are getting are getting bolder as far as using dating Web sites to find their next victim," said Jayne Hitchcock, who is working to halt online abuse.

"Most of these women will tell you that they had a bad feeling about it but they went ahead with it because the person the man had a wonderful profile," Hitchcock said. "He was charming."

One victim said it was loneliness that clouded her judgment.

"Victims are victims because somebody is looking to exploit their weakness," she said. "And it doesn't matter if you're doctor. It doesn't matter if you're an accountant."

She said she wants women to trust their instincts because she didn't trust her own. About 35 percent of daters admit they lie about themselves online, according to a survey research study by Jeana Frost of Boston University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. (Though the real number is probably MUCH higher!)

ORIGINAL ARTICLE

THE CYBER-LOTHARIO

THE CYBER LOTHARIO
Are you writing to someone who is romancing you off your feet? Does this guy seem to know just what to say or write that gets you a step or two further down the garden path?

Perhaps more dangerous than the notorious Internet rapists and murderers are the Cyber Lotharios. Maybe you know one. Smooth as silk. Seduction is his native language.

More dangerous, because these guys (well, there are girls too, but I am more familiar with the guys) are GOOD.
These guys are the Internet equivalent of a Bill Clinton, if Bill Clinton hadn't gotten caught. They are the cyber version of handsome -- they write beautifully, know just what you want to hear and tell you. They POUR it on, and for a thirsty (abused, lonely, sick, divorced or just unsuspecting) woman, it is nectar from the Gods.

These fellows post on dating/ reunion/ single parents/ penpal sites indefinitely, waiting for the unsuspecting newbie(s) to the site. You might contact him, he might contact you, but like an expert salesman, he knows a pigeon when he sees one.

Then slowly, softly, but determinably, he has his way with you.
How do you tell if you have one of these guys on the wire? What if he is a really nice guy, really meaning every word he says?

Well, one clue would be if you find yourself agreeing to or even doing things that you never would if you were in your right mind. Particularly if that has to do with sex. Or maybe money.

These guys make manipulation feel like a warm bath. They profile you subtley, making it seem like they are "interested" in you and actually "care" about you. (They don't.)

You just slide right in and it feels delicious.

But there is a certain vagueness or inconsistency, particularly about past relationships, and perhaps about future plans. ("I love you but I can't be with you....", "I have decided we can never be together", saying "I love you" before they have met you and spent SUBSTANTIAL TIME with you - and NOT in bed either!)

These guys may reassure, but they also will leave themselves a way out.
How can you tell?
Well, one thing you can do is ask for a relationship history. Then pay attention to how he responds, as well as what he actually says.

Does he groan and moan about doing the job? Is he grudging in what he tells you?

Or is he open and serious, understanding what you are asking and why?

Does he seem to have trouble remembering his own history, what her name was, what order the different relationships came in?

Does he offer some information but leave a LOT of blanks in what he says?

Is he reluctant to divulge, or does he sound like he is fudging?

Or does he hold up one old girlfriend or two as the "one who got away" or the most "incredible sex/ relationship I ever had"? (making you feel inadequate or that you have to DO things you're uncomfortable with to measure up!)

Does he make you feel like Number One; then over time - talk about the other Number Ones who left 'poor' him?

Does he say HE broke it off, then a few weeks or months later say SHE broke it off?

Does he say "I never should have married my wife" (if he admits to being married) or "the divorce is almost final"?

Does he get upset when you say you are going to run a background check on him?

Does he seem to be moving you fast towards a romantic getaway?

Maybe he makes plans for the two of you to meet, and reserves only one room.

Or does he hedge saying he can't control himself and doesn't know if you should meet?

Is he heavily sexually suggestive and titillating? Do most chats turn to sex?

Does he ask questions like "What are you wearing?" or "Are you alone?"

Even though a new and legitimate relationship can be highly sexually charged, a guy who is seriously interested in you and a possible future with you will be protective and understanding of you and your feelings.

If you feel antsy, pay attention. If your hormones may be doing your thinking, put on the brakes. Better to let this dangerous Clark Gable type swim away than to be left flat and busted.

Kathryn Lord - 2004

An Online Predator of a Different Sort!

My Roommate, The Diamond Thief
He found me on Craigslist. I found him on America's Most Wanted.

By Brian Boucher
Seeking roommate for one-bedroom in Washington Heights. It's a bit small for two but I have to catch up on some bills. Two friendly cats, but we keep clean because I'm a little allergic myself. A little more than half of the $950 rent gets you the privacy of the bedroom.

It was August 2003. I'd only recently found work, nearly a year after losing my job organizing school tours at an art museum, and my fiancee had just moved out of our apartment. It was a small, sunny place on the fourth floor of an old building, high enough on a hill that you could even see a little of New Jersey from the right angle.

We'd moved up there when she landed a medical residency at Columbia University Medical Center, but we'd split six months before the wedding. Without a job, I'd run up a ton of debt, and I urgently needed extra income to make rent, so I figured I'd lease out my bedroom and crash in the living room. I tried to pretend it was darkly funny, but really it just felt pathetic.

I got a flood of responses. A panicking female college student from the Midwest offered three months' rent sight unseen, but she couldn't meet me in person. An asshole with the e-mail handle of "elitist1" got impatient when I didn't answer his questions fast enough. I fell for a blue-eyed, tongue-pierced vegan the moment I opened the door to her, but she wasn't interested in the room, or me.

John "Don" Williams was enthusiastic about the apartment, at least. A middle-aged ghostwriter from California who'd lived all over, he turned up at my door in cargo pants and long sleeves despite the summer heat and talked with a slight southern drawl. He was punctual, which I liked. And he greeted my two cats warmly, which I also liked. "I've looked at a lot of apartments, and this is definitely the best arrangement I've seen," he said. I was flattered, though he must have seen some real squalor. We played with the cats and chatted about pets. The two of us - a ghostwriter and an aspiring art critic - could compare notes on the writing life, we agreed. He moved in on August 21.

At first Don struck me as the perfect roommate. He was uncommonly neat and clean. To keep cat hair from coming into his room, he rolled up a towel and push-pinned it to the bottom of the door. He was often out, and when home, he stayed in his room without a peep for hours on end. Sometimes he would emerge from his room when I had imagined myself alone in the apartment and had been blasting music, talking on the phone, or listening to public radio while cooking dinner. He hardly ever had guests and was frequently gone for days at a time. I wasn't thrilled with his unannounced comings and goings, but I let it go.

If anything, Don seemed boring, either putting his head down or making dull small talk as he passed through the living room. When he did speak, it was mainly to praise the beautiful women of New York. He had female guests a couple of times and alluded to several girlfriends. Despite a ring on his finger, he wasn't married, and in fact, "the ring doesn’t seem to discourage women who are interested," he said. I hadn't dated in a while, I mentioned, but there were some situations I hoped might develop into something. “But it's like film," he advised. "It isn’t going to develop unless you bring it into the store to get developed."

Four months into Don's stay, with cash coming in on time each month, all was going smoothly enough, until the morning of December 13, when I got home after a long night out to find his room in total chaos. It had been ransacked. His clothes, toiletries, and magazines were strewn about the bed and floors. The closet door hung from one hinge off a busted frame. His locked red Swiss Army luggage lay slashed open on the floor, the cats sleeping happily among the jumbled contents. My stuff was untouched, but I was horrified.

I called 911, but the cops were useless. "Talk to your roommate about it when you see him," they said.

Who knew when that might be? At this point, I hadn't seen Don for well over a month. In mid-November, I'd e-mailed to ask whether he'd be back anytime soon. Had he taken the business trip to London that he'd mentioned? No, he replied. His younger sister had been in a car accident, and he was in Seattle visiting her. I hadn't heard from him since. I e-mailed him repeatedly and got no answer.

I started to wonder about my lodger and what he might be hiding in his room. The break-in seemed too calculated and selective to be the work of a common thief, who might have simply stolen Don's luggage or my computer. Even the cash I'd stowed in my sock drawer was untouched. My fantasies turned paranoid. Was Don a spy - or an Al Qaeda operative who'd turned my apartment into his base? Had the injured-sister story been a ploy to gain my sympathy? Or maybe the accident was real but had been caused by some other agent to distract Don long enough to retrieve something from his suitcases.

Unable to reach Don and thoroughly spooked, I changed the locks, packed his few things into a closet, and moved back into the bedroom, convinced he'd never return. He did. On Christmas Eve, he called when I was in the middle of tree-trimming at my parents’ home in New Jersey. He told me that his ailing sister had died and he was back in New York but couldn't get into the apartment. At first I was petrified just to hear his voice, but as we spoke, I started to relax. Maybe I was insane and he was a normal guy - a possibility I'd consider over and over in the ensuing months. I told him about the break-in and said I'd meet him at the apartment at three the following afternoon.

I got there two hours early. Mortified at having assumed he skipped town when he'd actually had a family tragedy, I wanted to make it seem as though I had never moved back in. Back out of the closet came his luggage, and I scattered things around to make it look convincingly ransacked. Back on the windowsill went the action figures he had kept there. His plastic storage containers, just about his only furniture, went back against the wall where I'd found them. I reset the clock. I held my breath.

The doorbell rang at three o'clock, and there he was. He seemed tired and sad, as you might expect, and at the same time he seemed obsessed with trying to solve the crime. He searched through the room, sat among the wreckage looking closely at his scattered belongings, and even joked about the perpetrator's clumsy closet break-in. Strangely, despite the damage, little had been stolen - old cell phones, a little cash, a printer, and some marijuana, according to Don. (The drugs surprised me. I'd only seen him drink a beer once, and he'd said one was his limit.)

I imagined the invasion as retaliation for his womanizing. One of Don's lady visitors had an on-again-off-again ex-con boyfriend - was he the culprit? "It doesn’t make sense," Don said. "That guy, I've seen him around, and if he did this, he would have made it worth his while."

Don advanced his own theory: "Three people had the keys," he said. "I didn't do it, my sixth sense tells me you weren't involved, and that leaves one person." He suspected our eccentric next-door neighbor, Lev, a deeply indebted Lithuanian jazz pianist and self-published science-fiction novelist who fed the cats whenever I went away. "You know, he grew up in the Soviet Union," Don said, "so you don't know who he might have been involved with." I just listened. It was ridiculous, but his explanation did have a certain Occam’s-razor appeal.

Don proposed that we mount surveillance Webcams in the apartment (I refused) and called in the help of his family. He brought over a woman he called his sister and had me relate the story of finding the crime scene. ("’m sorry for your loss," I told her. "It's been a hard time," she replied.) He also told me he'd sent some items to his brother-in-law in D.C., "a Fed," he said, "so if there are any fingerprints on them, we'll find out."

It occurred to me I'd touched all his stuff when I moved back into the bedroom. What if he found out? To clear my conscience, I confessed. "You handled pretty much everything in there," he said, as if asking for confirmation of something he already knew. "I found your prints, too."

"Strong work," I said, shocked but trying to play it cool. "How did you get them in the first place?"

"Oh, well, you know, you could always just take an empty out of the recycling bin or something."

Don's familiarity with law-enforcement techniques might have alarmed me, but I was too embarrassed about my stunt to think clearly - and his anger over the incident only fueled my guilt. When I asked him for compensation after he inadvertently damaged an artwork of mine, Don retorted that it should be balanced against the losses he'd sustained in the break-in, which, as he saw it, happened on my watch. "And when you told me about it, you were just, like, 'Hey, here's what happened, sorry.' My reaction would have been, 'What can I do?' Because if I see you have a problem, I'm going to try to help you. That’s just the way I was raised."

Stung by the insult, I told him he needed to move out. I didn't understand why he'd want to stay, I said hotly, "when this whole arrangement is obviously broken." But he didn't react, and in the end, I backed down. Maybe he was right. Perhaps I had been selfish and insensitive. Over my objections, he installed a lock on the bedroom door and left his radio playing WNYC around the clock to discourage intruders. I complained to friends. "He sounds crazy," they said. When I griped to Don about the lock, he made me out to be the lunatic. "You said it wasn’t a good idea," he argued. "You didn’t say to take it off." Once again, I gave up. I needed the money.

In June 2004, Don was missing again, and he had been gone for weeks. E-mails I sent him began to bounce back, and his cell phone was not taking calls. June 21, rent day, came and went. I let two more weeks pass before changing the locks. I then broke into my own bedroom, turned off the radio, and, for the second time, angrily set about packing up the possessions he had left behind.

In his bed, I discovered a laptop and a bulging manila folder that seemed innocuous enough, though I couldn't help but look inside. There, to my total shock, were scraps of torn-up pre-approved credit-card offers I’d received in the mail and tossed in the trash. That wasn't all. On a sheet of notebook paper, he'd scribbled the names, addresses, and phone numbers of my family members; my mother's maiden name; the date my parents had married; and the name and address of a contractor I was working for, apparently copied from a pay stub. He even had the name and number of a woman I'd met at a party. Equally alarming were notes on my credit-card information, along with my sign-in names and passwords to various Websites.

In an instant, I felt like an idiot, a sucker, the Jersey boy I am. Why had I trusted this stranger? I burned with shame and anger as I pictured him listening for me to leave for work in the morning so he could methodically search my trash and boot up my computer. A ghostwriter? What a moron I'd been. I'd never seen him write a word. But who was he? I searched everything in the room. A letter from JetBlue addressed to a Brandall Platt confirmed a flight to Oakland, California, in November 2003, the time of one of his previous absences. There were photocopies of Social Security cards and California driver's licenses of a Charles Brown and an Andre Holmes and others. From the photocopies, I couldn’t tell whether the pictures were of my roommate. I found nothing bearing the name "Don" had given me: John Williams.

His bike was gone, but a bunch of withered bananas suggested his absence was unplanned. Had Don been in an accident? A detective from the local precinct suggested I contact local hospitals. When that didn't work, he said he'd start checking jails. I called my banks and credit-card companies. Thank God there were no unauthorized charges and no new cards in my name.

I searched the closet, where I spotted a classic composition book that looked like a diary. Seething over how he'd invaded my privacy, I tore it open, looking for revelations amid his cramped scribblings, rife with misspellings and sentence fragments. On one page, Don had mapped out a movie of his life story: "He learned to drive at eight, he could do anything with his hands, and throughout his life, he could become invisible . . . " "Met with Spike Lee today," read one entry. "He’s really interested in the story, and wants me to send him the articles." His journal said he once met Danny Glover by chance in the street and tried to sell him his story as well. He had even cast the big-screen version of his life: He was to be portrayed by Denzel Washington. Laurence Fishburne would appear as his brother. Angela Bassett would take on the role of his wife, and, of course, Halle Berry ("the sexiest woman in the world") would be his girlfriend.

The diary also contained transcriptions of text-message exchanges with real girlfriends - "u have hurt me 2 many times," one wrote - and vague laments over his kids: "I don’t even know who I am anymore . . . all I know is I'm the father of three beautiful, innocent children. . . . My babies, my babies . . . your dada cries every day." Apparently, he also had reason to fear the police: "I'm only now just starting to get over being afraid every time someone looks at me twice in the street . . . every time a cop looks at me . . . thinking they know." Know what?

I was becoming frantic. Craving more answers, I turned to his laptop, handing it over to a systems-administrator friend to circumvent his password protection by installing a new operating system. The sign-in name added yet another entry to the growing list of pseudonyms: Dino Smith. There, among various pictures of Don and his family, flyers for a business venture offering tours of the Bay Area in a Hummer, and a poster offering his services as a "personnel assistant," was the following diary entry, dated April 27, 2003:

I’m @ location 4. It's been how many days now? Lets count from the 14th-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-23-24-25-26-27 -- 13 days today, dam, two weeks tomorrow . . . how the hell do I prove I was not there? When I truly was not there? Who the hells going to believe me. I can"t even get up on the witness stand, When those fuckers are going to do everything they can not to lose this case . . . I won't sit up in jail for who knows how long and I know I've been set up by those no good fucking cops that I know don't like me.

My hands started to shake. Had I been harboring a fugitive? Don had struck me as creepy, but I wasn't prepared for this. My heart raced as I wondered what crime the cops could possibly want him for. I thought about the break-in, his absences, the dead sister, the fingerprinting . . . but what did it all add up to? Was he a victim of circumstance - or a serial killer? Was I his next target? I became obsessed with getting answers. Then I searched the most obvious place of all: Google. I typed in the name “Dino Smith,” and a couple of clicks later, there it was. His mug shot, on the America's Most Wanted Website. He was a suspect in the biggest jewel heist in San Francisco history. I gaped at the screen in disbelief, then ran in circles, howling obscenities: "Fuck fuck fucking shit fuck fucker! Holy FUCK!"

I scanned the Web for more clues, cringing at each revelation. According to the Los Angeles Times, one night in April 2003, Dino, his brother Devin "Troy" Smith, and accomplices allegedly broke into a vacant restaurant adjoining Lang Antique & Estate Jewelry, burrowed through the wall, disabled the motion detectors, and hid in the bathroom overnight. When the employees arrived in the morning, the thieves forced them to empty the safes at gunpoint, then tied them up. The robbers hauled away $6 million to $10 million worth of diamonds and other jewelry in garbage bags. Four months after the heist, "Don" the ghostwriter moved in with me.

He'd been eluding the cops for fourteen months when he was captured on June 4, just a few days after I had last seen him. The police finally caught up with him outside the A subway station at Howard Beach - JFK Airport, where they had followed a girlfriend who'd flown in from the West Coast to visit him.

Dino and his brother had served time before. They were a notorious crime duo despised by cops and prosecutors for their slick arrogance and flamboyance. Known for his acrobatic robbery style, Dino reportedly escaped the police by using a handcuff key he'd hidden in the seam of his underwear. Between them, Dino and Troy had generated 20,000 pages' worth of court documents, according to the L.A. Times.

In 1990, the brothers were arrested, and later convicted, for a foiled plot to kidnap and rob Lawrence Lin, also known as Dr. Winkie, the eccentric owner of the San Francisco nightclub DV8. (Wearing body armor and carrying semi-automatic rifles at the time of their arrest, the two improbably told cops they were on the way to protect Lin.) They were also convicted for a 1989 robbery in which they stole $400,000 worth of jewelry from the home of Victoria Magana, the widow of a Nicaraguan drug lord. This time, they told police she staged the theft herself to avoid payment on a $500,000 drug debt.

All told, Dino had 47 years to serve, and Troy 42. But they were sprung after less than a decade when both convictions were overturned, one because of attorney misconduct, the other thanks to police misconduct.

After their 1998 release, the brothers tried - and failed - to go straight. A brief stint as seamen for merchant ships at the Port of Oakland ended badly when the Coast Guard realized they'd lied about their criminal past on the applications, the Times reported. Troy fell deep into debt, and his marriage was falling apart. His wife claimed he had punched her in the face and had allegedly threatened that if she tried to leave, "I'll make what O.J. did to Nicole look like a paper cut," according to the paper.

What, then, might Troy have in mind for me? After all, he was still at large. Could Dino have given him my personal information? Could Troy be living as Brian Boucher at this very moment? I was so scared I called 911, convinced that he was on his way to find me. The cops looked around the apartment, twirling their batons as I tried to explain. "If you see the brother, call the police," they said, and left.

I had better luck with the San Francisco police the following day. "We’ve really been hoping for a phone call like this," said Dan Gardner, a robbery inspector for the SFPD. One evening just before the Republican National Convention, four men arrived at my apartment: the towering Gardner and his partner, along with two New York detectives. "So where’d ya find da jewels?" one of them cracked.

They donned rubber gloves and went to work, tearing outlets and switch plates from the wall, fondling the futon. One mentioned a Manhattan Mini Storage locker of Dino's containing power tools and a concrete saw. I asked if they thought I'd hear from Dino again. "Look," Gardner told me, "I don't want to scare you, but they did catch him trying to escape from Rikers Island once already while he's been in custody."

In May 2005, I received a call from Jerry Coleman, a San Francisco assistant district attorney who asked me to come testify in the trial. Weeks later, I sat by myself in a San Francisco courtroom. The sole observer was a woman I'd seen in pictures from Dino's computer, and it struck me that she and Dino had the same features. She had to be his mother.

A door opened and in walked Dino, looking sharp in tan pants and a black polo. No orange jumpsuit, no cuffs. The room fell silent. I hadn't seen him in almost a year, and I couldn't take my eyes off him. He sat and arranged his files, then turned to me and nodded hello with a nervous look of forced ease. "Hey, roomie. How funny seeing you here," he seemed to say.

As they swore me in, I was afraid the microphone on the witness stand would pick up the sound of my heart pounding. "Sir, in the events you've described, would you say you were acting as an agent of the police?" Dino’s lawyer asked.

Huh? I leaned into the microphone. "No, sir." Maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.

Dino frequently shook his head, seemingly disgusted at the state's flimsy case against him, and furiously took notes as I enumerated the identifying information he had collected on me.

The defense attorney tried to undermine the legitimacy of the computer evidence, on the basis that I'd left it with a friend to work on overnight. "So you don’t know what your friend did, by your own personal knowledge?"

"I guess that’s true."

"No further questions, your honor."

On June 3, 2005, based in part on evidence found on the computer he left behind, the jury convicted Dino Loren Smith, 55, on eight of eleven counts of robbery, false imprisonment, burglary, and conspiracy. On November 10, he was sentenced to 23 years in prison. He is now under processing at San Quentin, while authorities decide where to send him.

I still haven't figured out who ransacked Dino's room that time. Was it a would-be accomplice who'd been cut out of the jewelry-store job? Somebody who'd heard Dino bragging in the street? Was it Dino himself, trying to see how I'd react? Who knows? Nothing was what it seemed with my ex-roommate - the dead sister in Seattle never existed; the one he brought to the apartment was actually his wife.

An even bigger mystery concerns Troy, who's still on the lam despite the FBI's $50,000 reward. Every so often, I see a guy in the street who resembles his mug shot and I'm spooked into thinking it's him. I tell myself I'm just being crazy, but then I've said that before.

I've since moved out of the place where I lived with Dino, into an upper-Manhattan apartment that I share with a financial planner, a dance teacher, and their 5-year-old son. I found them on Craigslist.

Quotes from Cheaters to their Partners/Spouses

'SILLY' THINGS ONLINE CHEATERS SAY!!

Cheaters come up with the wildest stories, especially if they get caught unexpectedly!

(with kudos & thanks to ChatCheaters)

What my ex said when I questioned her late nights on the net:
"I am writing a romance novel"

My cheater said:
"you are so suspicious, you need help because its all in your head"

My cheater said:
"Oh, she is just like a sister to me, that's all"

My cheater said:
"I wouldn't do that to you. I swear"

I 'swear' he said:
"Do you believe me or your own eyes?"

My cheater said:
"we were talking about his girlfriend's problems"

My cheater said:
"You are trying to control me and it is not going to be that way"

My cheater said:
"I don't know why I gave her my phone number"

My cheater said:
"It's a fatal attraction"

What my husband said when I called his cell phone and it clicked on while he was having sex with another woman:
"it wasn't me! The cell phones must have been crossed with someone else's"

After I finally decided to remotely tap into my wife's computer after months of her staying up all night in internet chat rooms to find love messages between her and another man. My cheater said:
"Why were you spying on me?"

My cheater said:
"I don't start the conversations on the IM, I only respond after she starts talking first"

My cheater said:
"yes I have a girlfriend, but we don't have sex, I discuss with her the problems we are having in our marriage"

My cheater said:
"I didn't think you loved me"

This was after my fiance went out with a "friend" and had sex with her. What a fiance, huh? My cheater said:
"Nothing is happening, we are just friends, and enjoy each others company. You are really blowing this out of proportion"

My cheater said:
"why were you checking my phone anyway?"

my cheater said:
"I have a present for you and if you don't go away I won't give it to you"

My cheater said:
"I'm going on another business trip"

My cheater said:
"I wasn't sending the emails to her. I was sending them to her computer"

My cheater said:
"We are just buddies and nothing else!"

My cheater said:
"I was just curious"

My cheater said:
"If you were a better wife and a better lover, i would not have to turn to other married women. If you would join me in the swinger's lifestyle, it would not be considered cheating since you would be right there with me."

My cheater said:
"I don't wear my wedding ring because I am allergic to it."

My cheater said:
"I just wanted to have a friend of my own"

My cheater said:
"I was peer pressured into it"

My cheater said:
"I thought about you the whole time it was happening"

My cheater said:
"I could never bring myself to cheat on you. That girl that called claiming we had sex was a basket case, a nutjob. Ask anyone"
How many times have we heard? "she's a stalker, she's a scorned woman" BULLPOCKY!! Don't buy it!)

My cheater said:
"are YOU cheating?"

My cheater said:
"I can't say no to him"

My cheater said:
"It's only harmless flirting... it's not like I was ever going to meet her"

My cheater said:
"With every one of them, I fantasized it was you"

My cheater said:
"She's a good friend of my mother"

My cheater said:
"I missed you and she looked like you"

My cheater said:
"Oh that number on my cellphone is just a side job."

My cheater said:
"I couldn't get a signal on my cell phone to call you and tell you that I was too tired to drive 1 1/2hrs to our home"

My cheater said:
"If I wanted to cheat, I wouldn't be cheating with a married woman"

(LOL - cyberpaths love to PICK ON ABUSED, MARRIED, DIVORCED or PHYSICALLY DISABLED women! )

My cheater said:
"The only reason i was talking to her was about us"

what my husband told me when I found a strange number on the caller Id box:
"I am dealing with a bookie for gambling and didn't want you to find out"

My cheater said:
"I would never do that to you, i love you babe, you should trust me"

Right up until I handed him the phone with her on the other end. My cheater said:
"I can't break up with her instead of you because you can handle it better"

My cheater said:
"I'm just giving you the time and the space that you need"

One cheater said:

"She's been obsessed with me since we worked together (went to college, high school, etc... together) and I am trying to let her down easy."

Another cheater said:

"Its all just a game. She knew it when we started. Really just playing around, nothing serious."

(gridney/ Yidwithlid and Beckstead have tried this "just a game" explanation too! It's bull - did the targets KNOW it was a game?

Hey Beckstead and gridney/ Yidwithlid:

Did you TELL your victims it was a game upfront, or is it convenient to say this now that you're busted? Or were you REALLY saying how much you loved and cared for these women to get free sex? And did you TELL THEM it was just about sex for you? (Our guess?: NO!!)

My cheater said:
"I am just needy. They were only about sex for me. I swear."

One cheater said: "She stalked me on the internet, when I found out how fat & ugly she was I told her it was off. I would never cheat on you, sweetie"

One cheater said:
"It was all PLANTED!! These women who are obsessed with me planted those online sex ads and the online dating ads!"

Of course there's the outright: "that never happened,""I never said that,""he/she is lying/making it up/planted it all"

And the indignant: "I will sue them/ you/ her!"

For a great site with more CLICK HERE

EMAIL US WITH YOURS!!

The Modus Operandi of the Emotional Blackmailer

The "Modus Operandi" of the Emotional Blackmailer

He is too good to be true - He is soft-spoken and polite, he smells good, he looks good, he is kind and loves women, he is respectful, he doesn't come on too strong FOR THE FIRST FEW MEETINGS ONLY. He's always on the lookout for a patsy, but he's in no hurry as there's always another one around the corner so he'll take his time in coming on to you.

He'll be there more and more frequently -gazing at you with puppy dog eyes; wanting to know everything about you, asking your advice, making it look like you are getting to know each other and forming a bond.

He will put himself in the best possible light - including lying through his teeth about his ambitions, activities, hopes and dreams.

His seduction techniques are often subtle and well-practiced - It will seem he did nothing to seduce you until you look back and analyze it. He sat and stood close to you, he brushed against you, but it didn't seem to be on purpose.

He suddenly "Turns on the Charm" and turns up the heat - Once you're hypnotized by his sweetness and modesty and respectfulness, he will pounce on you one night and turn into a Mr. Hyde. It "just happened." This is the critical moment to run away, don't let him touch you. He'll leave you breathless wondering what exactly happened. He'll turn on all the charm full force and you'll be wanting him from then on, yet wanting some breathing room. You won't get any. Ever. It won't bother you at first - you'll think he's attentive and ardent.

He starts using the lines technique - Once you're "seeing" each other, he'll be a real swain, discussing how amazing this new relationship is, how different you are from any woman he ever met; and he'll talk about your remarkable beauty and how "alike" you are. He will talk about your "resonance" and describe all the awful women he knew before who didn't want a good man - who wanted someone to abuse them. All of this is meaningless talk.

He uses the same lines on every woman.

He will whine and even shed tears - if you say you have other things to do, other people to see, or want to be alone after seeing him 8 days in a row. He enjoys being abused, so if you scream at him it only makes him feel more secure. He got used to fighting all around him as a child and he equates fighting with love.

He'll start demanding that you "prove your love" - You have become nothing but his prop. He has become your jailer. The key is: he demands CONSTANT proof of your love.

He will "seem" to accept your decision to break up - As the months roll along and you are tired of his constant presence, begging, whining and having unreasonable control of your life, you will decide to break up with him. He will then agree to back off, give you some space, and try to do better. These are all lies.

He'll tell you he has "changed" - No matter how many times you break up with him, he will call you to tell you that he needs you, that he has changed, and he will say it all in a calm voice as if he respects your decision to come back or not. His game is to stay away just long enough that you forget his annoying traits and miss the good parts. But if you agree to even one meeting it will be back to daily visits and demands for constant pampering again.

Getting Rid of the bastard - The only way to get rid of the emotional blackmailer is when he has found another willing victim to be his patsy. He will already be courting her while seeing you (he is juggling two or more women per day). Once he has the new person in his "thrall" and has nothing to lose by losing you, he will drop you like a hot potato.

He prey's on sympathy, and lives to control - his purpose is to have many women in his control - perhaps one for money and one to scream at him, and both for companionship. He gets a high from controlling people, because as a child he had no control over anything and frequently felt abandoned. This is why the more women who feel sorry for him, listen to him, go out with him, the better he feels and behaves. However, he is telling each of them the same thing: they are the best, the most beautiful, the most like him, he wants to spend the rest of his life with ONLY THEM.

The character of the Emotional Blackmailer
Everything he says or does is for gain. He does nothing for the sheer joy of it, or because he likes people or wants to build a relationship: he is looking ahead to what he can get out of the person: sex, housekeeping, emotional support, someone to listen to him spin his tales of woe, what have you. Loyalty or faithfulness are not in his nature.

He will become vicious and even violent if he is crossed, contradicted, found out, exposed or denied what he wants. It looks exactly like the tantrum of a five year old. That is still his emotional age, although he has the smooth moves of a Casanova down pat.

How to extricate yourself from the Emotional Blackmailer
One way out is to cut off all contact. Even email mayl put you back in his control if you get back into the same pattern of doing what he wants when he wants it. He is a master manipulator who will prey on your sympathy for him as a human being.

Any time spent reasoning with him is wasted - he doesn't hear a word you say. All arguments are circular. If he has no answer to your logic he will remain silent and wait for you to shut up, then start with his argument again.

After you have cut off contact, he will stalk you for a while if he doesn't have a replacement lined up yet, but this will cease because it isn't fulfilling enough for him. He NEEDS feedback, anger, someone to scream at him. Any kind of attention pleases him - he is a true masochist who would enjoy being slapped. If you catch him? He will accuse YOU of stalking HIM!

Turning the Tables
Another way to ditch the Emotional Blackmailer is to turn the tables on him. A man who is so good at manipulating is also easily manipulated to do whatever you want IF you do it the right way. You can be rid of him within a few weeks without avoiding him by doing the following:

* Exhibit jealousy and make it clear that you won't share him with anyone else, and you expect to spend the rest of your life with him and have exclusive rights over him. This will make him feel suffocated for a change and he will be eagerly stepping out on you while claiming he wants only you.

* Lose interest in doing anything you used to do for him or with him; stop taking him seriously; don't listen to his rants about his job; ridicule his ideas, act bored and make it clear you see him only as a useful decoration. Tell him to grow up, tell him you are well aware of his manipulative games but you like him anyway and demand he be faithful to you. This will scare him and make him step up his efforts with the other women, and he will soon be out of your life.

A Final Note:
Healthy, non-manipulative men:

* Don't beg (or lie)

* Don't tell you that you're "the best" or "the only one"

* Don't use the lines "if you really love me", or "prove you love me by doing this for me" or "I need help to get through this time so could you send me some photos, etc"...

* Don't put down their former girlfriends or wives, even mildly; and don't accuse women of being "scorned"

* Respect your right to have other online friends

* Share all their information with you: address, phone numbers, job, etc.

They don't mind if you double check on them for your own safety!

Facebooking Your Boss - Good or Bad?

by Michelle Wilding

Facebook is blurring the boundaries between work and private life and sometimes the consequences are at the employee's expense, writes Michelle Wilding.

Maria's nightmare began after a long weekend when she logged on to check her emails only to find: "The boss added you as a friend on Facebook" staring at her through her inbox screen.

Above this was a message notification sent via Facebook candidly asking why she denied accepting her boss as a friend. Maria had not even been online for almost 36 hours. Having no choice, she bit the bullet and accepted her boss as a Facebook friend.

Facebook now boasts 108.3 million users, reports Nielsen Online. As the world's most popular social networking site, it's not too comforting to know online bullying tactics from your boss are enough to knock down your safeguarded Facebook page that was once locked by private settings.

Unfortunately, former service operator Maria was cornered: she was vulnerable to her "unscrupulous service manager" at one of Australia's leading supermarket chains. Maria says she was fearful, vexed and defenceless when her boss began using her online information to manipulate her work life.

It started with inappropriate innuendos regarding Facebook photos. More seriously, Maria's work hours were exploited and she received abusive confrontations and phone calls questioning her availability and every move.

"My boss was a gossiping, domineering, contriving megalomaniac and her behaviour dramatically intensified when she used Facebook to pry," Maria says.

"I'm a student, so it's very rare to have a night out. If plans came up, she would purposely make me work. If I needed money, she'd take advantage of that need and cancel my shifts, stripping me of my dignity.

"I don't know where she got off. She was worse than Stephanie from The Bold And The Beautiful. She played with employee lives like we were her toys. It upset me so much I finally stood up for myself and quit. I feel like I got my freedom back and can breathe again."

Maria notes one occasion when she RSVPed on Facebook to attend the Future Music Festival with workmates. Unexpectedly she was rostered on the early morning shift the next day, something she believes was calculated.

"As a senior, I was told I wasn't allowed to work weekends . . . Then, all of a sudden, the weekend Future is on I was put on first thing the next morning. I found it interesting that my boss could bend the 'no seniors on weekends' rule when it suited her," she says.

The executive director of UNSW's Cyberspace Law and Policy Centre, David Vaile, says Maria's case is a useful example of how personal information stored on a Facebook page can be abused, noting the consequences of posting personal information online aren't necessarily clear because it's relatively new technology.

"Privacy law has a gaping black hole that does not protect employee privacy and Facebook is outside of that," Vaile says.

"I think it's an abuse of the boss's prerogative to threaten and use their power over their employee's contract to require access to their Facebook page. On the other hand, there is no idea that Facebook is safe for anyone. Maybe Facebook is required by law to let police have access to a person's page."

A range of legal and business reputation risks attached to Facebook concerns Vaile. He says the risks are serious and users should think twice before signing up or sharing private information on Facebook.

"Cyber stalking, harassment, defamation, breach of duty, damage to reputation of workplace: the inherent reliability of that, in the same way that it's sort of a dangerous and cheap temptation for individuals and also businesses, employers and universities, is a data mine for tragedy," Vaile says.

Maria's isn't the only case of employer Facebook abuse. Former discount retail employee Grace Leasa, 19, was shocked when her then boss made a derogatory remark on her page.

After a quarrel with a friend, she updated her Facebook status to: "Grace just can't do it any more." To which her boss commented: "You Pussy."

"I was just surprised because at work he'd act like a friend to the other employees but he'd never been like that with me before," Leasa says.

"It was sort of degrading because I don't even talk to this guy."

Another element through which businesses can intimidate and keep track of their employees is on Facebook groups. Cosmetic retail representative Lucy (not her real name) received two requests to join her work group before she "reluctantly" accepted. The 20-year-old says she was pressured to attend optional work meetings via the group's listing and experienced online bullying.

"I received updates on meetings and events," she says.

"I felt the need to put 'maybe attending' due to university commitments. If I put 'not attending' I would be encouraged by phone to attend. It was pretty much like they were looking into my personal life. But now that I've left the group, I feel liberated.

"I also didn't want to be a part of the group so Facebook users could check up on where I work. That's another invasion of privacy."

Not all Facebook employer-employee relationships are troublesome. Doughnut shop worker Kimberley Driver, 20, says she never thinks twice about writing on her Facebook page because she gets along with her boss.

"It would suck if my boss was different," Driver says.

"It's your profile to express what you're feeling and what you want to say. You shouldn't have to be restricted or toned down by anyone."

One major problem many users are oblivious of is that their profile is automatically set to be on public view.

Media arts production student Chris Noble, 21, found that out the hard way. He signed up to Facebook 10 months ago and couldn't figure out why random people were contacting him.

"I couldn't believe that. I thought [my Facebook profile] was set to private mode. I felt vulnerable and annoyed that anyone, complete strangers, could view my page and information and I had no idea that it was my duty to change the default settings from public viewing to private. It's ridiculous," Noble says.

At the end of the day, if you're going to use Facebook, make sure your profile settings are appropriate. Take advantage of friend category lists such as family, colleagues, friends and acquaintances to filter your relationships and content.

And if your boss does decide to add you on Facebook, it's not career suicide if you place them on limited profile, where certain parts of your profile content become restricted to them.

After all, do you really want them seeing a photo of you in a bikini or Speedos roaming freely on the beach?

Let's face it: Facebook was designed as a personal platform for social communication - and for some people, that means leaving work relationships at the office.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE

Jeffrey Grob: 3 Years in Federal Prison for Cyberstalking

A Missouri man was sentenced Friday to three years and one month in federal prison for cyberstalking.

Jeffrey Grob, 28, pleaded guilty in March to sending threatening e-mails to his former girlfriend. Prosecutors say Grob sent the e-mails from October through December 2007.

The e-mails included death threats, and some included pictures of dead women. An Oct. 15, 2007, e-mail said: "I hope you die!!" One on Nov. 24 read: "I'm going to slit your throat. If you ever come back to Montana again I am going to slit your throat." Another e-mail included a picture of a dismembered woman and said: "This will be you."

ARTICLE

Stalking and the Pitfalls of Meeting Online

Stalking is a practice that has been around for a very long time but only recently has become a criminal offence. There are many varieties and reasons for stalking and many ways of meeting a potential partner and engaging in relationship.

The intent of this article is to identify the internet as a means of introduction, not only to a new partner but a potential nightmare when the relationship comes to an end. Because of the anonymity that the internet provides, there is far more potential for deception and misrepresentation than when an introduction occurs naturally face to face. The dangers of forming relationships online have been well documented elsewhere. The focus here will be on stalking behavior resulting from feelings of rejection encountered by one party when the other wants out of a relationship that simply isn't healthy. The internet just happens to provide the perfect environment for a stalker to identify a partner who is less likely to be rejecting because of their own vulnerability.

When an unsuspecting lonely heart logs on to an online dating service, the last thing on their mind is the possibility that they may be inviting a potential stalker (or predator) into their life.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics it is mainly women who are exposed to this type of activity and the major research in this area appears to concentrate on the female population. To be classified as stalking, "more than one type of stalking behavior had to occur, or the same type of behavior had to occur on more than one occasion" (Australian Women's Safety Survey 1996, p82.)

Usually curiosity and hopeful anticipation inspires someone looking for companionship and/or love to submit their profile online and spend hours scanning through the many candidates offering themselves as potential partners.

It is very difficult to ascertain from the inviting smiles and "come hither" poses whether or not potential pitfalls are hidden beneath an enticing facade.

Profiles are often very artful works of fiction hiding the truth of a sometimes very disturbed personality.

This may seem a somewhat dramatic claim to some. To others, it is merely a reminder to be very careful next time - if they are willing to brave a next time.

Depending on the severity of the stalking experience, it is possible to suffer long term or permanent consequences in the form of post-traumatic stress disorder.

For an elaboration of the potential psychological impact of stalking behavior on victims please refer to the following paper presented at a conference convened by the Australian Institute of Criminology in Sydney, December 7-8 2000.
*******
The Toll of Stalking:
The Relationship Between Features of Stalking and Psychopathology of Victims.

E Blaauw, FW Winkel -- Department of Clinical Psychology, Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam, The Netherlands
E Arensman -- Department of Clinical & Health Psychology, Leiden University, The Netherlands

It is for the reasons outlined in the paper cited above, that I feel compelled to issue a warning regarding the dangers of online dating to both men and women. Although in the majority of cases stalkers are male, there are women who occasionally fit this profile. The psychological damage sustained by such behavior is similar for both genders, however females are potentially more at risk physically.

Stalking behavior has been around since time immemorial, going back to the caveman's MO of seeking out his victim and then rendering her unconscious with his club. This was handy as the method produced few objections!

Then of course there are the modern day dangers of leaving a disco or bar alone and having to face a range of intrusions from following to other more vicious crimes of assault, rape, or in extreme cases, murder.

The Australian Institute of Criminology, provides information on stalking trends in Queensland, Victoria and South Australia. Stalking behavior is classified according to the relationship of the stalker to the victim and whether or not mental illness is present.

The focus of this article is on stalking behavior within the context of an existing relationship or after it's demise. An insidious form of stalking occurs when the victim is enticed into a relationship which they later wish to leave. The stalker is usually emotionally disturbed and may suffer from a personality disorder. Fear of rejection is often present and the discomfort and insecurity of this affliction could lead to bizarre behavior patterns.

Signs to watch for include impatience or anxiety when:

* phone calls (or emails/ instant messages) are not returned quickly enough
* they don't know where you are or you are late
* a gift or favor is not acknowledged immediately
* attention is given to your other friends
* they are not the centre of attention
* attending a crowded social function
* they feel left out or not included

While relationships of this nature can begin after meeting at all the usual places, including a trusted friend's introduction, online dating presents a different problem.

A computer screen affords the perfect hiding place for a person plagued with emotional insecurities. They are able to surf the net in the comfort of knowing they are anonymous. Often they are hidden while they wait for someone else to initiate contact. Profiles of potential partners are carefully scrutinized and usually someone who gives the impression of a caring and nurturing nature is the chosen one. They are also chosen due to vulnerability due to disappointments in other relationships and loneliness. The perfect choice.

The stalker personality type can present as highly intelligent and very charming. They can be very alluring, persuasive and appear to be very interested in you once you have shown enough interest to gain their trust. Their attention appears to be fully focused on you. The attention feels wonderful and you are told you are very special in their life. Before you know it, you are in a relationship even though you may not be too sure if you actually want to be there!

Your every word is taken in and stored in their memory. They listen attentively to what it is you are seeking in a partner because they want to deliver the goods that will keep you glued to their side. Before long, talk of long-term commitment is setting off alarm bells in your head and even the big M may have already been mentioned. Have you been going out together for 6 months to 1 year yet? Probably not!

Whatever it is you want in a partner however, they assure will be provided! Problems only start when you begin to feel that contact with this person is becoming very "sticky". It feels draining to be with them rather than energizing. With time you may even dread spending prolonged time together. Thoughts of extricating yourself from this relationship occupy your mind and you may try to initiate separation.

This is easier said than done. When you are no longer the compliant, loving and nurturing partner, what does that make you! Public enemy number one, of course!

Loving words are now exchanged for abusive character assassinations coming at you from unwanted phone calls, SMS, instant messages and emails. (a smear campaign to everyone around them and around you) Whatever may have been revealed of your own insecurities often come hurtling back at you in an attempt to break down your resolve for freedom. They may even show up on your doorstep or place of work wanting an explanation for what they have done wrong.

This is usually followed with apologies and self-blame and expressions of desire to make things right again. The anxiety is rising and their fear of rejection escalates.

Their behavior will depend on what you do at this point. If you succumb, meet and make up, then their anxiety will be appeased and you are off the hook for the time being. If however, you refuse to engage in conversation and reconciliation, it could get nasty. How nasty it gets depends on how it is handled and the severity of the stalker's affliction.

In any event, it is imperative that you realize that you are not dealing with a rational person and so any attempt to disengage from relationship with rational conversation will not work. This person needs help and this is not your responsibility. Usually psychological help is appropriate. Sometimes however, a psychiatrist will need to make an assessment and perhaps prescribe medication.

Your responsibility is to look after yourself and take all the precautions necessary for your safety. If you have had at least two instances of stalking behavior it is important to lodge a complaint at your local police station. They will then advise whether taking out an AVO (Apprehended Violence Order) (in the U.S. an RO - Restraining Order) is appropriate. Stalking is now an illegal offence in NSW (Australia) and includes the following behaviors:

* Following by any means, car or on foot
* Lurking in the vicinity of your home or office
* Sending unwanted mail, cards or gifts
* Sending unwanted emails, SMS
* Unwanted phone calls
* Spreading malicious gossip about you to your friends, acquaintances or work colleagues, etc
* Damaging or interfering with your property or vehicle (including leaving notes on the windscreen)
* Giving, sending or leaving offensive material

It is also important to alert trusted friends, neighbours, work colleagues and anyone else who may be able to offer support. Support is needed not only for your physical safety, but your psychological safety as well. Being followed and being subjected to the invasion of privacy that constitutes stalking behavior can leave long-term scars. Seek the help of a suitably qualified therapist if you feel traumatized by your experience. This will help in preventing any long term damage and provide helpful coping strategies.

Keeping your home secure and being careful in car parks is important. If necessary, change your telephone number or use an answering service to screen your calls. Block unwanted emails and be aware of your surroundings when away from your home or office. Initially it may help to stay with friends or go away on holiday where you are removed from your known routines.

It is imperative that the stalker is given absolutely NO ATTENTION from you. Even negative attention is food for the stalker's hunger and will only prolong the situation. Do not answer their phone calls, emails, SMS, instant messages (Block what you can) or satisfy any attempt of contact by any means. Ultimately they will lose interest and seek satisfaction from another source. Have an authority figure such as a police officer or lawyer contact the stalker to make it very clear that their conduct is illegal and must stop immediately.

Just be careful and remember the warning signs listed above. If it feels better when you are alone than when you are with your newly acquired partner, have a real good ponder on whether your own fears of being alone are justification for staying in a relationship that just doesn't feel right.

CLICK HERE FOR ORIGINAL

The Emotional Cost of Infidelity

By Pam Gerhardt

Nearly four years ago Linda Shafer, divorced and living alone with her dog in Oklahoma City, logged onto her computer after a long day of social work and entered the world of Internet chat rooms. One man sparked her interest. They started a private conversation.

"This wasn't the usual 'how much do you weigh' or 'what color is your hair?' " says Shafer, a social worker with the federal government. "This was different."

As it turned out, he lived close by. After a few weeks of intense, personal dialogue, he suggested they meet for lunch. He was married with children.

"This was the stupid part," says Shafer, her voice soft, kind, a voice that troubled families--her clients--can trust. "I thought it would be harmless just to meet a married man for lunch. Well, I met him."

Shafer didn't know it at the time, but she had already entered stage three of an extramarital affair that would last 3 1/2 years, bringing her moments of bliss, hours of sorrow.

Nearly all affairs--yes, even yours--follow very specific patterns. They generally fall into four stages, according to several family researchers.

Stage One: You develop a close emotional bond. This is the talking stage. For Shafer, it occurred on the Internet. For others, it happens at work or in the neighborhood. You get to know each other, about each other. There's a spark.

Stage Two: You keep it a secret. You don't tell your spouse or your friends that you are attracted emotionally to this person. "You know you're in deep when you decide to keep the relationship secret," says Florida psychologist Debbie Layton-Tholl. "Fantasy and secrets are very powerful. They fuel the fire."

Stage Three: You have lunch, play tennis. This is the dating phase, though you might not know it. You start seeing each other, doing things together. You might tell yourself this is just a colleague, just a friend.

Stage Four: Well. You know.

At that point you are engaged in an intense sexual and emotional liaison. Sometimes extramarital affairs lead to new marriages. Other times, they are roller-coaster relationships that last only months, or a few years. And then there are affairs that become lifelong relationships. Think of CBS correspondent Charles Kuralt, whose 30-year romance was exposed posthumously, shocking fans of his television program, "Sunday Morning."

According to researchers and eyewitnesses, thousands of people have life-changing affairs and use nearly identical language to describe the passion, betrayal and pain associated with them. "No one ever made me feel like that before." "I wanted to kill myself." "If I had to choose one person to live with me on a deserted island, it would be him." Or "her."

Family therapists and affair survivors -- or casualties, depending on how the affair turns out--urge people to acknowledge the prevalence of affairs and to start talking openly about them. Only such honesty, they believe, will help illuminate the psychodynamics of these relationships and help people understand--and perhaps avoid--the pain that they can cause.

"Extramarital affairs are one of the most taboo subjects in our culture," says Janis Abrahms Spring, author of "After the Affair" (HarperCollins, 1997) and a supervisor at Yale University. They are "so extraordinarily traumatizing," she says. "And yet we talk about them only when we are making jokes."

The Fall

We just slide into it," explains Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, who specializes in couples and extramaritial affairs. "Often, the attraction begins at work. Women have become more involved in previously male-dominated professions. They work closely, seeing each other at their best. A friendship develops. If you are not careful, the friendship becomes too intimate and eventually sexualized. The chemistry intensifies. Sparks fly."

Maybe you even fall in love.

Stage One is the innocent prelude during which the emotional connection is formed. A former police officer in upstate New York who had an eight-month affair says he didn't see it coming. It was early in his marriage, before he became a police officer, and he was working evenings, managing a fast-food restaurant.

"One of the workers and I just developed this friendship," he says in a telephone interview, the sounds of his two kids, chattering in the background. He moves to a different phone and explains: "It wasn't about hopping into bed with someone. We talked for four months before anything sexual happened."

But inevitably, the relationship moved through the stages. One night after closing, he and the woman were talking passionately about personal issues, as usual. She asked him to help her fix a light in the men's bathroom. "I was in there, and suddenly the door opened and she came in and closed the door and kissed me," he says. "I kissed her back."

Meanwhile, he kept the relationship a secret. His wife eventually found out about it after finding a note in his pants pocket. Standard movie-script fare.

It's a common plot, a cliche scenario played out in movies, novels and government hallways. Fumbled kisses. Groping in Nissan Altimas. Steamy Comfort Inns. Shafer, the social worker, met her lover in a hotel room for three years. "I'm in my mid forties, and we would make out in the car like we were 16," she says. "There's a certain high to that."

But there is the larger human element that muddies up the script, and the very real and devastating pain that often follows. Even when the affair marks the beginning of a new, healthier, long-term relationship, it comes at a price. Someone, somewhere in an extramarital affair, always loses.

Yet affairs often feel like love. "You get very close emotionally and physically very quickly, but it's a fake closeness," says Shafer. "For him, it was out of sight, out of mind. For me, the day after was always the hardest."

Often these relationships are stormy. Shafer broke off the relationship several times. One breakup lasted seven months. The final breakup came more than three years after she connected with him on the Internet. She reached the point where he disgusted her. The final straw came one day after he had taken a shower. "He said, 'I think I still smell like you,' and it just made me sick to my stomach," she recalls. "That was it. I had had it." He left, and that was the last time she saw him.

Shafer says the deception hurt the most. "The relationship can never go anywhere. You're making a banquet out of crumbs." She discounted the possibility that the affair would lead to marriage. "Even if a person gets divorced, the new relationship is still based on a lie," she says.

"I knew what I was getting into," she continues. "But I didn't get out of it without getting hurt." Near the end, it was clear to her that he was seeing someone new, another affair. "At times I feel like I still love him, but what do I love?"

The Allure of the Secret
Statistics on the frequency of affairs don't add up. People lie, even in anonymous polls. Also, general polls are often not reliable: an 18-year-old who says he's never had an affair isn't saying much.

The percentage of those who say they have had affairs ranges from 25 percent to 75 percent of all males and 15 percent to 60 percent of women. Pyschologist Layton-Tholl, who specializes in Internet research and has interviewed 3,600 people who have had affairs, says the current acceptable statistic is roughly half of all men and women--including the persons victimized by the deception--get involved in extramarital affairs. Abrahms Spring, who has worked with couples for more than 25 years, says affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples.

But enough math. The point is, most people will have some exposure to infidelity. Maybe it will be you, your spouse, a sibling, a friend, a parent (the dreaded box of love letters in the attic) or someone admired from afar, like, say, Kuralt. His long-term relationship came to light after his death when the "other woman" pressed her claim for the Montana house she had shared with him for so many years. They had spent Christmases together, gone on vacation together.

Kuralt is hardly the only one. Famous names recently in the media: Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Marion Barry, Thomas Jefferson, Prince Charles, French President Francois Mitterand (whose mistress stood beside his wife at his funeral), Gary Hart, Frank Gifford, Bill Cosby, poet James Dickey, writer John Cheever, Martin Luther King, television evangelist Jim Bakker (whatever happened to Tammy?) and Rep. Bob Livingston.

What is it about affairs? What is it about passion--defined literally as "suffering"? Why do people risk everything for that stolen kiss, sweaty palms, rapid heart rate? Why do writers dramatize the suffering in popular mythology? Remember "Bridges of Madison County," "The English Patient," "Gone With the Wind," and the this year's Academy Award winner for Best Picture, "Shakespeare In Love."

"It's a drug," says Shafer of Oklahoma. "It's a fix. You can't wait until the next time. It's very addicting. You feel you can't live without it."

Florida researcher Layton-Tholl focuses specifically on the allure of secret relationships. People who keep them report far greater arousal, passion and obsession than with nonsecret relationships. (Not unlike the very early days of perfectly legitimate relationships, before you tell your friends and family that you are "in love.")

The signs and symptoms are familiar. People "in love" fantasize, pine, obsess. They lose sleep and weight. "I've talked to men who 15 years after the affair still wonder what she's doing," says Layton-Tholl.

How interesting that they reach such romantic heights only out of context from their daily lives. But is it love?

In "After the Affair," Abrahms Spring draws distinctions between romantic love and mature love. "Romantic love is an intense but unwarranted attachment that you, the unfaithful partner, may feel toward your lover," she explains. You think the love must be real because the chemistry between you is so explosive. You are willing to sacrifice so much for this passion. "The blind spot behind this feeling--what you fail to see," she writes, "is that your so-called grand passion may have more to do with your unmet needs than with who this other person really is."

Love also experiences changes on a physiological level. In the throes of romantic love, people experience a high from natural amphetamine-like chemicals such as dopamine and norepinephrine. "In the next stage of love," she writes, "the brain releases endorphines--natural painkillers that soothe and create a sense of security and calm."

On the cognitive side, a perceptual distortion takes place. "You idealize the other person, assigning him or her more positive attributes than any one person could actually possess," continues Abrahms Spring. "At the same time, you're likely to paint your partner in equally distorted, but negative terms, as a foil for your lover."

Personal Trauma
Falling in love is obviously not confined to infidelity. Most contemporary marriages start out with romantic love. But, therapists say, couples have to grow up and understand that "feelings of love are neither steady nor constant but travel in natural cycles," as Abrahms Spring puts it. "If your relationship doesn't live up to your ideas about love, the problem may be not with your relationship but with your ideas," she writes.

Falling out of love with a spouse--and in love with someone else often rekindles that early experience of romantic love. It's why lovers say "He (or she) made me feel young again."

But sooner or later, lovers in an extramarital affair have to confront the dynamic nature of their relationship and move on to a deeper bond. Or sever the connection.

Just why people have affairs has no single answer. Each case is different. Researchers point to a combination of issues in the individual and in the marriage. Personal issues run the gamut of pop psychology from low self-esteem to midlife crises in which people question everything at work and at home.

Marital problems may stem from getting married very young or having a job that takes a spouse away from home--emotionally as well as physically.

With so many different factors, researchers resist a cookie-cutter formula to explain infidelity. Nor do they use such labels as "bad marriage" or "weakness of character."

"It's a mistake to think that only people with personal weaknesses have affairs," explains Peggy Vaughan, co-author with her psychologist husband of six books on extramarital affairs, including "The Monogamy Myth" (Newmarket Press, 1998) and "Beyond Affairs" (out of print), in which the Vaughans detail the husband's 17 affairs over a period of seven years and describe how they rebuilt their marriage. "It's far more complicated than that," she says.

Another factor involves societal attitudes not only about celebrities who have affairs but also about sex. "As a society, we give a lot of lip service to--but actually undermine -- monogamy," says Vaughan. "We learn at a very early age to associate sex with deception and secrecy. By not talking to our teens about sex, for example, we show them to keep it secret," she says. That sets up an expectation, she argues, that sexual fulfillment can only be attained in secret relationships.

Secrecy, many researchers maintain, is the enemy of monogamy. Abrahms Spring notes how difficult it is even for patients to talk about infidelity and how many of them try to hide affairs in the initial phase of therapy.

"My focus is extramarital affairs. Obviously, that's why they come to me," she says, laughing softly at the irony. "But it takes them several sessions before they can speak of it."

The Aftermath
The former police officer and his wife tried to repair the marriage, had another baby. A few years later, the wife had a short affair with someone she met on the Internet, then another. Eventually she left him.

"I cried for hours on the couch. I couldn't move," he says. "My wife never recovered from my affair. Years would go by and I wouldn't hear anything about it, then suddenly all this anger would come out."

Affairs rock your world. Life is never the same again. All parties involved experience a profound sense of loss and pain. The old status quo is gone. The future is uncertain.

"After finding out, the hurt partner experiences the most basic loss of self," says Abrahms Spring. "You feel alien in your own skin. Your most basic assumptions about the order of the universe have been turned upside down. It's devastating."

The person confessing to an infidelity experiences the full gamut: guilt, self-loathing. Often there is also relief. Leading a double life can become increasingly difficult for people engaged in affairs. Getting the truth out relieves them of carrying the burden of betrayal alone. To some therapists, honesty is essential, too, if the couple is to stay married and lay down a new framework for their relationship. Some people are glad that the affair is over and want to reestablish their marriage. "They're just so thankful to be with one person again in one place," explains Abrahms Spring. "They want to forgive and move forward."

The betrayed spouse may also find relief. Even if the affair seems to come out of the blue, the underlying causes of infidelity have probably been present for some time. Vaughan says she experienced relief when her husband told her the truth about his numerous affairs. "It was like a storm that flattens everything and allows fresh air to come through," she says. "The years of knowing subconsciously that something was wrong was much more painful that the two or so years it took us to recover."

Still the aftermath was hard. Vaughan has described how it took her almost a decade to rebuild her sense of self even though she and her husband had successfully reestablished their marriage in a couple of years. All in all, they've been married 43 years.

The "other" person, meanwhile, faces a whole different set of issues. How do you rebuild your life without the affair. At first there is profound aloneness and confusion. "She's not in the Bahamas or running around in mink," says Florida researcher Layton-Tholl. "She's at home, waiting for him to call, to explain himself and the promises he made."

All parties in extramarital affairs often report thoughts of suicide, according to family therapists. As Abrahms Spring writes in her book: "What people want to kill is not themselves but the pain."

Secrecy may be what sustains the affair while it is going on, but it also exacerbates the pain when it is over. Suddenly, there is no one to talk to. The loved one is gone. Unlike a death or divorce that prompts support from family and friends, the breakup of an affair goes largely unnoticed.

Yet everyone in the triangle suffers a sense of loss--a loss of self and a loss of love. Researchers believe the great hypocrisy in our culture is that while affairs are so prevalent, most people remain largely unsympathetic and closed to the complexities and pain. They slip into the stereotypes about infidelity and offer pat advice: Leave the no-good two-timer. Or focus on labels: Home wrecker. Or blame themselves: I wasn't sexy enough.

Cliches provide protection. "We don't want to believe that a man could have an affair on a wife who is loving and sensual and kind," says psychologist Glass. "That means it could happen to us."

ORIGINAL ARTICLE

Another Internet Hookup Ends in Murder

Investigators believe a 38-year-old man was stabbed to death in his Queens, New York apartment by a man he met on the Internet, police sources said Thursday.

Michael Pecora's nude body was found in his Forest Hills, NY apartment late Wednesday, hours after his sister called his cell phone only to have a stranger answer, the sources said.

The man with Pecora's cell phone was a cab driver, who told the sister he was given the phone earlier in the week by a passenger who said he didn't have any money to pay the fare, sources said.

The passenger gave the cab driver the phone and a watch as payment when he was dropped off in the Bronx.

The panicked sister called police, and detectives interviewed the cabbie, who told them he picked up the mysterious passenger near Pecora's 65th Ave. apartment, sources said.

The building super climbed onto the fire escape and let cops into Pecora's sixth-floor apartment through the window where they found his body sprawled in a hallway near his bedroom. He had been stabbed three times.

"He was a good kid," said Sam Pecora, the victim's father, from his home in Pennsylvania.

Pecora's laptop was missing and the cabbie remembered that the suspicious fare was carrying what resembled a computer. That fueled investigators' belief that the killer met Pecora on the Internet and was trying to cover his tracks, sources said.

The cab is being dusted for prints.

Pecora's friends told investigators he used the Internet to find dates, sources said.

A graduate of the University of Tampa who worked for MasterCard, he was well-liked by neighbors who recalled his friendly demeanor.

"It's an absolute shock," said Roberto Sonabria, who lives on the same floor as Pecora. "It's a family neighborhood [and] he was a nice man."

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

Australian Police Warn About 'Hate Sites"

By Matt Neal

PEOPLE harassing or threatening others by posting abusive comments on websites can be charged with cyber-stalking - an offence that carries a maximum jail term of 10 years.


That's the message Warrnambool police are sending to the public after concerns about offensive website forums were raised this week.

One particular website, which the press has chosen not to name, has drawn the attention of police after a spate of Warrnambool and south-west people used it to anonymously insult and attack residents. Most of the offenders and victims are believed to be young people, causing police to urge parents to monitor the internet usage of their children.

Detective Sergeant Lee Porter said anyone who felt harassed or threatened by comments posted anonymously on open website forums should contact police.

"People should contact police if they feel they're being subjected to crimes like harassment," Detective Sergeant Porter said.

He said that if it caused people to feel fear, apprehension and intimidation, it could come under the heading of cyber-stalking and people could be charged.

"People have got to be very careful what they put on (these sites)," Detective Sergeant Porter said.

He said that people who posted comments on web forums could also be held in contempt of court.

"Referring to witnesses in a matter that's before a court, or harassing or interfering with witnesses before a court . . . all these things will be vigorously pursued by us," he said.

Detective Sergeant Porter said that aside from cyber-stalking or harassment, people posting insulting comments about others on such websites were also leaving themselves open to civil defamation suits which could cost thousands of dollars in pay-outs.

He said anonymous posters on website forums could be tracked down in the same way police have caught people involved in uploading or downloading child pornography.

"People can be tracked down . . . and they will be dealt with," Detective Sergeant Porter said.

"Police are able to establish who posts these sort of things.

"There are various avenues open to police to track down people who do this.

"They will be charged and prosecuted. If they are committing offences they will be held accountable."

Legally, an act of cyber-stalking is defined as including when a person stalks another person by publishing on the internet or by an email or other electronic communication to any person a statement or other material with the intention of causing physical or mental harm to the victim or of arousing apprehension or fear in the victim for their own safety.

ORIGINAL

Another Online Predator Zeroes in on Lonely Woman

Yet again MORE proof: Stay off all online dating & personals sites. ALL of them are loaded with predators. - Fighter

Carolin Bush wanted companionship, but all the man she met online wanted was financial gain.

And he's still out there on internet dating sites looking for vulnerable women. So the Adrian woman turned to Call 11 for Action problem solver Mika Highsmith hoping to warn others.

Bush thought searching Yahoo Personals would be a good idea.

"Being on the computer, you get to weed out the ones you don't want... you are led to believe," Bush said.

She found someone she thought was the perfect match.

"A cute guy, he had a nice description and he was from Detroit."

But it turns out he actually lives in Nigeria -- and he's not looking for love. It seems what he wants is money.

"He needed me to Western Union him $2,000."

Lucky for Bush, she did her research.

"I googled him the week before and came across things that didn't add up."

She knew his stories were bogus and didn't fall for it -- now she's hoping to save others.

"Check them out before you even meet them. Be smart do your research. Don't give any guy any money. Have the guy wine and dine you. Go slow."

Bush has reported the guy to Yahoo Personals but there's no telling how many sites he's on. So if someone you don't know asks your for money, be smart and don't send it.

SOURCE

THOUGHTS ON CYBERPATHS - FROM PROFESSIONALS & VICTIMS

Here on EOPC, in both margins, we have quotes from victims of Cyberpaths and professionals dealing with Cyberpaths' victims as well as thoughts on the long term after-effects of their attacks.

You may have read them elsewhere, you may not. We think they're important and powerful enough to include here so you can read them in their entirety - Fighter

FROM VICTIMS:
"The potential for damage is overwhelming. Overnight, many lives are turned inside out when it has been revealed that the person that you gave your love and your complete trust to has betrayed you. The emotional and financial scars are deep"--- Target of Julia-Bish-Judah-Hunt-McGovern

"I will gain strength, become a stronger and much wiser person from this devastating experience, but it will never be over. It will be with me for the remainder of my days on Earth. I will forever be changed by this most ultimate & intimate of betrayals... They throw us away like an old pair of shoes; and like the predators they are, they quickly move on to their next victim. The magnitude of the lies cannot be imagined by anyone unless you have lived this nightmare"-- Wife #7 of Ed Hicks

"Everything was a lie. [He] took away my ability to trust, and he ruined me financially"- Wife #6 of Ed Hicks

"I will never trust anyone else after this. My heart is closed now and I think I don't want to get to know ANYONE else... I feel so used! A million showers won't clean my body from this snake's touch!" -- Target#1 of Nathan E.B. Thomas, Jr.

"I prayed I was just overly sensitive because of my years of being in one abusive relationship after another. Even now I find it difficult to fathom how you can give so much of yourself to a person and have them so totally wipe it all away as if it never happened with no remorse & go on their merry way leaving a path of destruction & half-truths behind them. Yes, I was wrong for my part but for me it was more than just cybersex - there was some good profound dialog. I'd known him over 25 years. I thought I could trust him. I did what I did from the heart and with genuine, deep emotion - and he knew it! Now he says it was 'all a game' - that's first I have heard it was a GAME!

Realizing someone you have known for so long, spent so much time talking with, did it ALL just to USE you is horrifying. The grief is no ordinary grief. After distancing himself from me, he can now tell stories, all of which are factually twisted, with the spin to make HIM look the victim.

It's nothing less than soul murder." --Target #1 of J/Gridney/ YidwithLid


"...for the first time in our relationship, I began to cry. I realized he was a TOTAL fraud. He said he "was looking for the right girl" in his dating profile. I thought, "how could he say that when he told me I was right for him?" I had changed myself at his direction and was at the point of exhaustion... I was horrified by the fact he used the SAME EXACT language in the profile as he did online! ...he threw me away, all the while BLAMING ME for not being "good enough." How could this person call himself moral ... when he was a complete liar. -- Target of Brad Dorsky

"[He] included EVERYTHING that was missing from my life, as if he could read my thoughts and make my wishes come true. I can see now he really studied me well and became "my perfect mirror." He knew exactly what to say to make me feel good; especially after being in an abusive marriage for so long with no attention from my husband. This man "love bombed" me and I didn't even know what hit me!" -- Target of Keith Clive

"Being lied to is a hurtful thing. Being conned by someone you love is a devastating thing. You find that the facade .... was lies on his part; and how empty & meaningless [you were to him]. It hits below the belt and it scars you emotionally, financially... You become a laughingstock... Some say I am obsessed with this man, but in reality, I am obsessed with getting justice done. There can be no closure on this until that happens. Even then I will never trust anyone whole heartedly with my love, my life or my money again. ...all I wanted was to be loved, and he turned that into a crime that suited his needs." -- Target of William Michael Barber

"While doubters may still find it dubious that on-line romance could ever take the place of a real relationship, the husbands & wives of Net-addicts are discovering that cybersex can pose a direct threat to their marriages. "...We went through it and a little while later [my cybersex partner]messaged me and said, 'If I message you again & ask you if we had sex, say no, OK?' I said, 'Sure, why?' She said her husband is very jealous and comes on-line when she's on, to make sure she isn't netsexxing."

....Pearl's husband was not as lucky. "My ex-husband, Lee, would vanish into the basement every night for hours, saying he had brought home a lot of paperwork from the office. We missed a lot of parties and family events, but I never questioned it. I felt sorry for the poor guy, working so hard to give me and the kids some extras. Then, one day when I was cleaning out the room, I found a sheet of paper under the desk with a love-letter printed on it." Pearl was even more traumatized when she turned on his PC and found a sub-directory filled with HUNDREDS of love-letters from different women, addressing her husband as "Prince Charming." "The Prince lost his castle," Pearl says sourly. "I changed the locks on him and filed for divorce."

Carl Salisbury, an attorney at Killian & Salisbury in East Hanover, NJ, who specializes in electronic law, notes that cybersex-related suits are showing up increasingly in American courts. "There was a case in Maryland where a MacDonald's franchise had an email system," says Salisbury. "One of their employees was having an email affair with another employee, who was married. The manager screened their email and showed it to the married guy's wife!" When the married man sued his manager and MacDonald's for breach of privacy, the courts ruled that the manager was within his rights to view employee email.

And, as the cyber-population booms ...we can expect to see more irate spouses filing for divorce with on-line infidelity as grounds. "It's inevitable that we're going to be seeing more & more divorce cases as a result of cybersex," says Salisbury. "There's such an enormous amount--and variety--of activity going on the Net and the Web, and the variety increases literally every day." -- HOW TO HAVE CYBERSEX - Gloria G. Brame

"It's a trap. Your imagination fills in the blanks with exactly what you want. You don't learn more with more rounds of writing. All you do is invest more emotional energy, for which there is no payoff." Joe Teig, New York, NY

FROM PROFESSIONALS:
"We now understand that women & men are not "crazy" or "defective" when, in response to trauma, they develop PTSD symptoms, including insomnia, flashbacks, phobias, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, dissociation, a numbed toughness, amnesia, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-mutilation and social withdrawal. - Phyllis Chesler, MD

"We hear about Internet predators for children, I don't think we're hearing very much about Internet predators for middle age women at all. And that bothers me," -- SANDRA PHIPPS

"When [] predators are found using the Internet a common response of the Internet industry and government officials is to blame someone else, or say that nothing can be done to stop it." -- Donna M. Hughes, PhD; Univ. of Rhode Island

"We must do whatever it takes to minimize or eliminate [the predator's] access to vulnerable prey as targets of opportunity. Period. For ever. Indeed, these people will thank us for it. Consider how many [cyberpaths] deliberately get themselves caught just to stop themselves." - What Makes Narcissists Tick

"[APOLOGIES] are not some pious, phoney-baloney, half-hearted rendition of what you think they want to hear. Nor is it a watered-down, politically correct 'confession' that you think will buy you closure at the expense of truth... [admit] what you are doing to screw up your life. This also means admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you're doing, however sick or subtle those payoffs are. - Dr. Phil McGraw"

"[Online Predators] count on our shame to keep their secrets. They know that exposing them means exposing our own failings. That's what makes them so powerful. They manipulate us into these situations then sit back & watch us squirm between protecting ourselves or blowing the whistle. The [victim often] is still emotionally connected to the [Cyberpath], thus protecting them and accusing them alternatively. Many [victim]s will not name their [cyberpath]s to counsellors or other helpers, thus protecting their identity. The hook, which the [Cyberpath] has implanted in their heart, is hard to remove. If you want something to cry about, cry for the [Cyberpath]'s new victim(s), the innocent, unmarked, un-inoculated prey. These victims are carefully chosen..." - Mary Ann Borg Cunen

"Internet dating is populated, to a large degree, by criminals and married people. Estimates have gone up to 30% that online daters are married. That represents an emotional risk to our membership base. I want to eliminate those people [from] the site." - Herb Vest, CEO of True.com

"How do we go from fantasy to reality? Lots of people have private fantasies that give them some sort of pleasure and maybe even trouble them, but they don't act on them. I think one of the contributory facts-- it's not the only one-- is the insidious nature of the internet itself. I think there are three things that are problematic about the Internet, or at least three things. One is the easy accessibility. You don't, in the beginning at least, have to go anywhere. You just push a button that's sitting there next to you.

Secondly, there's this illusion of anonymity, which can be very disinhibiting. You feel as though you're there in the privacy of your bedroom. It's not that private, but you don't sense that at the time. And thirdly, there is a distortion of reality and fantasy to some extent. That people feel as though they're playing a game. They're making up who they are. They wonder if someone else is giving a false persona. They begin to do things that in the light of day they might never have done and then, ultimately and sadly, sometimes cross a line that they might not otherwise have crossed. Where do they get the message [the internet] is where you can go? We've created a "we versus they" mentality. And I understand that what they do is offensive. It's aggravating. It makes me angry. But we're not going to solve the problem by pushing it further underground." - Dr. Fred Berlin, Psychiatrist, Johns Hopkins University on "DATELINE NBC"

"I love words. I believe in the power of words. I believe that if truthful words are spoken, written, shared, they will be heard, and they will be answered. Not with a [cyberpath]. You get sucker-punched in trying to explain something. There is no response to what is said. Words are deflected, twisted, questions answered with questions, non sequitors abound." - NarcissisticAbuse.com

"This is the classic emotional rape scenario: the use of a higher emotion (such as love) to fulfill a hidden agenda... There can be no hidden agendas in real love. These features, even if identified in retrospect, can help victims understand what has happened to them, giving them a chance of real recovery. - Dr. Mike Fox, The Emotional Rape Syndrome

"Powerful and sneaky people use apologies as end runs around repentance. They betray a trust; and, when they have been found out, they say they are sorry for "mistakes in judgement"... They get by only because we have lost our sense of the difference between repentance for wrong and apologies for bungling... We should not let each other get away with it. A deep and unfair hurt is not a mere faux pas. We cannot put up with everything from everyone; some things are intolerable. When someone hurts us deeply and unfairly an apology will not do the job; it only trivializes a wrong that should not be trifled with." -- - Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgive and Forget"

"The [exposed Cyberpath] on the other hand, cannot rest until they have blotted out a vaguely experienced [target] who dared to oppose them, [expose them], to disagree with them or to outshine them. [The Cyberpath] can never find rest because they can NEVER FULLY wipe out the evidence that has contradicted their conviction they are unique and perfect and handled things appropriately. This archaic rage goes on and on and on." - Dr. Ernest Wolf

"A favored technique [of cyberpaths] is to debilitate your identity [personally, I hate the term self-esteem] by levelling false accusations and/or questioning your honesty, fidelity, trustworthiness, your "true" motivations, your "real" character, and especially your sanity and YOUR judgement." - Cassiopaea

"Text-based relationships are very deceptive. People know only the good stuff, and none of the bad. The missing pieces are filled in based on hope, not on reality."- Dr. S. King; Pacific Graduate School of Psychology in Palo Alto, CA

"They are absolutely the world's best manipulators, liars, and fabricators of truth. They do so convincingly because they believe their own lies. After all their life is nothing but a lie, a sham, how can we possibly assume they know anything different." Cassiopaea

"All I wanted was for him to leave me alone. Part of the hurt and damage was done because others could but would not see what was actually happening. He would always try to ingratiate himself to others - it was sickening. Usually psychopaths put on the nicest act, and you look like the harpy and bitch, and so everyone takes their side, it is a horror story, a psychopath can be very charming, and manipulative and manipulate the smartest of people." Cassiopaea

"When there is a question of WHO is telling the truth? See who has to GAIN by lying or bending history. Usually the real truth teller has to expose a vulnerable part of themselves, which takes courage and honesty." - Law Professor, Fordham University

"My biggest frustration and source of anger, is at those who have refused to take a stand when they see the abuse. No matter how outrageous his behavior others often stood by and inadvertently fuelled his grandiosity and denial... although denial is too mild a word for it." Cassiopaea

FINAL THOUGHTS

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." -- Voltaire

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Emotional Abusers - The Heart of Cyberpaths

some insightful excerpts from this great article - to read the whole thing click here A great guideline for starting to 'understand' your cyberpath. Edited out are statements that are not applicable to online relationships; but if you are in a possibly harmful relationship in real life? Please click on the link and read the entire article! -- Fighter)

by Natalie P.

Most people have had it happen: at some point in our lives we find ourselves manipulated or "guilted" into doing something we didn't want to do. We end up angry at ourselves for caving in, and resenting the other person for pressuring us.

The thing is, while [we] would NEVER tolerate physical abuse, they can get blindsided by emotional abuse, and not even realize it's happening - especially if it is coming from someone they trust and love. Like physical abuse, emotional abuse becomes a vicious circle that chips away at your self-confidence, making it harder and harder to leave. If you are in a relationship where you have a sick sense that SOMETHING is wrong, but somehow it's always YOUR fault, and you find yourself always tring to "fix" things, this article may be for you. (this is a good description of the VICTIMS of Cyberpaths!)

Emotional abusers are very insidious - some of them are much harder to spot than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behavior. Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle and verbally harangue their partners - some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not realize that the source of their distress and an unease over the relationship has been coming from abuse for quite some time.

It is the abuser's goal to make her believe that she deserves his cruelty and that only through her actions can she make it stop. It is his intent to get her to feel that she is the cause of any relationship problems, and that his (abusive) behavior is simply a response to her, and therefore acceptable. (sounds like Beckstead!)

[Cyberpaths] have to be willing to recognize and actually work on their own issues before they can stop inflicting cruelty on the people who love them. In many cases, they don't even love their partners, because they can't even love themselves, and don't feel that they deserve love, even though they crave it. [Cyberpaths] may genuinely feel bad that they committed another act of abuse, not because they have any real compassion for the person they hurt, but because they get angry at themselves for "screwing up" again. (or when they get caught!)

It is common for men who are "called" on their abusive behavior to blame the woman, and claim SHE was the abuser. (See Beckstead, Rodger, Yidwithlid, Jacoby)

However, it is important to note that though women can become abusers, MOST OFTEN (because of the way we are socialized and the power setups in society), if there has been no *successful* theraputic intervention, MEN from abusive families become "ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse VICTIMS". [this is why most, not all, cyberpaths - are men - and a large percentage are in relationships -- married, with a partner, serial monogamy]

Unfortunately, not all therapy works, and not all people who go into therapy are ready or willing to do the personal work necessary to get better and eliminate their destructive patterns. It can take years and years of therapy to unravel and undo the damage and self-hate that has driven someone to abuse. During that time, the abuser may actually get worse before his behavior improves, if it changes at all. It is quite common for deeply disturbed people who enter therapy to initially use the therapy to project their problems on everyone else and point out the character flaws of those around them, rather than face their own internal demons.

For a person who has spent a lifetime of lying and hating themselves, honesty does not come easily.

More disturbingly, some abusers can and DO go into therapy as a ploy - to make it LOOK like they are actually working on their own behavior, and accepting responsibility for their actions, when, in fact, the real motive is to arm themselves with distortions of the therapist's words and tools, in an effort to heighten and increase the psychological warfare.

The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. (Cyberpathic relationships!) However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every few months.

While someone may be emotionally blindsided by major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as abuse, abused partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain yanking", sarcasm and emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship". (Cyberpath YidwithLid's Target #1 said as much! That she kept getting 'reeled back in' by her belief he was her friend and she could 'help' him! Hicks & Beckstead did this to their victims too)

When he distorts the past and blames you for the relationship problems, you may even feel like you are going crazy, and he will certainly do everything he can to imply that you ARE. (Sounds like Campbell, Beckstead, YidwithLid)

What are the signs and symptoms of Emotional Abuse?
Other forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging, and far less overt. They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgemental, "joking" insults, lying, repeatedly "forgetting" promises, sarcasm and agreements, betrayal of trust, "setting you up", and "revising" history. (Cyberpaths are especially good at the last one)

To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm and nondescript.

He may intersperse episodes of abuse with words of love, telling her that she is "the best thing that has ever happened" to him, and that he wants to start treating her that way, confusing her further. She keeps hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he will stop hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail. ... the REALLY successful abusers are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have shelves of filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control.If a [cyberpath] causes YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, *you* are." Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at all, all they see is an outburst from you, NOT the abuse that triggered it. It may make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if you are going crazy, because nobody believes you that this charming, "nice", helpful, successful man could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and deliberately hurtful.

Cyberpaths play the pushme-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too needy". (Dorsky, YIdwithlid, Beckstead all did this)

An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and encourage the friends to make disparaging remarks.

Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. He lives by the "if you really loved me" (didn't Dorsky, Jacoby and YidwithLid use this EXACT phrase when devaluing their targets?)...

Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying to be "helpful" or sensitive.

Emotional abusers will try to isolate you from family and friends. There are several tactics that may be employed. If he can't manipulate your friends, he will either find reasons to denigrate them or will be "uninterested" in doing things with you AND your friends. (Cyberpaths tell their targets NOT to talk to each other and keep them in the dark about each other!)

Instead of "lying" to a partner, an emotional abuser may "forget" significant promises he made to his partner - especially if forgetting that promise will hurt her. (was your Cyberpath busy on your birthday? Or no contact when you were sick or having problems and needed the support?)

Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their "mistakes" (otherwise known as abuse) but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate mistakes - and will continue to "punish" their partners for those mistakes, long after apologies and restitution have been made. (This includes narcissistic rage at being exposed)

Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more.

The abuser says it's not completely his fault, or she pushes his buttons, or that something she did triggered him to do or say something hurtful or damaging to her.
Another emotional abuse tactic is to reject activities that she suggests and then do them with other people - letting her know that he is doing them with other people - establishing control and implying that she is not worthy of doing the activities with him, but other people are. (YidwithLid did this with Target #1, doing everything he promised her with Target #2! Her friend!)

Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser".

As part of this tactic he may pay lip-service to personal responsibility by saying he "takes responsibility" for his actions, but then make no offer to do anything about the resulting emotional pain, or say that there is nothing he can do to repair the damage or make restitution. If she tries to get him to do anything to make restitution he will use the word "blame" as if it is a dirty word, and accuse her of trying to lay "blame" on him for his actions. ("I will NEVER talk to her (the victim again) because she.... [insert what you supposedly did as a response to the way the Cyberpath treated you here - such as exposing them, telling their spouse, reporting them to police - as if YOU did the bad thing])Non-abusers who genuinely ACCIDENTALLY hurt a loved one's feelings, do not refuse to nurture those feelings - they help repair the emotional damage, and they don't repeatedly make the same "mistakes" over and over...

The truth about responsibility for one's feelings is that if you love and trust someone - if you open your heart to the love and caring, you also open it to the potential for hurt. Yes, in the strictest sense of the word, no one can make you feel anything - you choose to let them affect you for good or bad. But very few people, (except perhaps those with borderline personality disorder), can be completely "unfeeling" when dealing with someone they care deeply for. ...To disconnect yourself from feeling hurt and pain is to disconnect yourself from feeling love and joy. When you open your heart to someone, you are granting them your trust as well as your love. You are trusting them to respect and honor your love. If someone abuses you by violating your trust, you are not wrong for trusting - THEY are wrong for breaking that trust and using it to hurt you. ... according to the abuser, it is up to the woman not to provide him with the temptation... (YidwithLid accused his Targets of being a temptation! when HE initiated the relationships)

If caught in a lie or exposed in a situation where he can't immediately manipulate his partner into taking the rap, he may try to go for the sympathy ploy, in an attempt deflect the situation away from his bad behavior. For example, one abuser caught in the middle of a lie, blamed his lie on "bad memory", almost started crying, and began bemoaning what he would do if his memory was going, because his whole job depended on being able to remember lots of details. (other excuses: illness in family, death in family, getting fired, moving, sick - see Beckstead, Rodger, YidwithLid, Hicks, etc etc)

-to bring up stories of childhood/parental abuse (watch these, they are the same old stories each time, and if you listen closely, you may see that his behaviors closely match those childhood abuse patterns...)

-to bring up troubles and things bothering him at work (Hicks, YidwithLid... so far all did this!)

-to bring up his hurt and "pain" over something YOU did ages ago, and have long-since paid for.

-his wife/parent/child/friend is ill and he's under a lot of stress and YOU are making it worse. (Ed Hicks did this!)

-"missing" a grown child who has left the home, or children he abandoned and his former partner "won't let him" visit (big wonder why...). (Ed Hicks AGAIN!)

If you DO manage to get an abuser to a relationship counsellor, (something many abusers will insist you two don't need - he'll insist that you "can work things out yourselves..."), the abuser will work to ensure that the counsellor sees HIM as the mistreated partner, or at the very least, that his behaviors are one-time incidents rooted in just cause.

Beware. Sometimes counsellors buy into that stuff, and you end up getting a double-whammy. Another destabilizing tactic that the abuser may use is to reneg on a committment, or on a stated belief, catching you off-guard, possibly even putting you in a position where he can accuse you of "hurting" him because you didn't know his beliefs/principles/goals had changed. He will use the excuse that he "changed his mind" as a tool for keeping you off-balance. If you question his about-face, he will accuse you of not allowing him the right to change his mind. (example: Yidwithlid mentioned to Target #1 - what they were doing was wrong and immoral while still seeing hookers on his lunch hours and he was leading her on at night that saying he couldn't "control" his feelings for her)

Emotional abusers often display different personalities to other people in their lives - watch for a completely changed demeanor, behavior, body language and even tone of voice, when they are at work, or with a circle of friends. (this is VERY easy to on online!!)

The abuser may claim that this is just different "facets" of his personality, but in fact, it is a warning sign that he puts on different personnas to suit the situation, and you will never know which one is the REAL person. It belies huge insecurities - the way children try to act like the crowd they are with in order to be accepted - and is an indication of the emotional immaturity of the typical abuser.

Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming -that's why it's so hard for the victim of abuse - their friends only see the charming side, and don't see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and rudeness that happens inside the relationship. (just a quick read of Yidwithlid's blogs will show you this)

Because abuse is about power and control, the abuser will often try to become "buddies" or friends with his partner's closest friends. (YidwithLid did this!! Becoming friendly with THREE of Target #1s friends and even trying to cyber with TWO of them before he was introduced to Target #2)

If the victim's female friends are attracted to him at all, he may even try to prey on that, so that if she has a conflict or a problem with him, she doesn't have a close supportive friend to turn to. (Yidwithlid & Jacoby to a tee, readers!)

Abusers will use things like stories of childhood abuse or trauma, lost friends or the death of relatives to get her friends to feel sorry for him. He will play up the "sensitive guy" role. If he can cozy up to her best friend, the friend will feel caught in the middle - which is exactly what the abuser wants - to cut off his partner from external support. If he can, he may even flirt heavily with her friends, have an affair with one of her friends, or become pals with one or more of her former friends as another way to hurt and attempt to shame her. (YidwithLid, Clive, Thomas did this and Lissa Daly used a form of this to hurt their victims!! Re-read their stories completely to see how this was accomplished!)

The emotional abuser often plays pushme-pullyou. He will indicate that his interest in his partner is waning, and when she begins to start separating from him, he will become attentive and interested again. He may even use sex as a weapon against her - by telling her that she isn't paying enough attention to him, spending enough time with him, or isn't initiating sex enough, but then will reject her advances when she tries to initiate. (Did your cyberpath tell you this about their wife/partner too??)

Abusers are completely self-centered. They blame other people and seldom take responsibility for their own actions. Abusers are self-righteous. They find ways to justify their behavior.

Emotional abusers hate apologizing - and if they DO apologize, they will only do the same thing again.

This is called "projection" - abusers do it all the time. They project THEIR issues onto their partner, and try to make it their partner's problem. They make it sound like the partner's is somehow wrong or attempting to set them up for "blame", for wanting some sign of compassion and remorse, and an indication of willingness to work on the behavior problem.

Abusers may, early in the relationship, in a moment of "opening up", tell you of their abusive or manipulative nature. .... They may even go so far as to say, "I told you this is how I am." (did they say "I am sick" or "I need help" or "I need to work on ...." or "I have a problem with....")

Emotional abusers often grow OLD without growing UP. They are emotionally stunted and immature. Emotional abusers are self-preoccupied, and demonstrate a passive-aggressive interpersonal style. (see Cyberpaths & the Online Disinhibition Effect)

Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior. At this point he will be sure to tell as many *mutual* friends as will listen, that she is controlling and abusive to him, in an attempt to further undermine any support she might get. (Cyberpaths say you and your friends are 'ganging up on them' when caught in their lies)

An emotional abuser demonstrates little capacity to appreciate the perspective of another person when his own interests are at stake. Emotional abusers often flip between being a martyr and a self-absorbed asshole - there is no middle ground, and they use the martyrdom as an excuse for their behavior when they are in self-absorbed a**hole mode.

...An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own provocative behavior, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that a partner left him, or threw him out, ...

The emotional abuser will play up the "pathos" in an attempt to garner sympathy, all the while, continuing to (cyber)stalk his ex, making jokes about things he could do to upset her, and invading her personal space and boundaries ... (almost all the Cyberpaths we have exposed have gone to their target's personal sites, boards on which they post, etc. saying they were "just protecting THEMSELVES again their Target's relentless abuse. Turnabout!! and projection, readers. Prime Example: Campbell filing a frivolous lawsuit against his victim that was thrown out!)

Like physical abusers, emotional abusers will often stalk their former partners. The stalker's objective is often to control her through cultivating fear rather than making direct or specific threats, or confronting the her. This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up. (Look at the AfterThoughts of our victims - scrolling in right column)

Ex-partners of abusers will often express fear of their abuser, and will have no desire to be anywhere near the abuser. On the other hand, the abuser may try to appear as if he is calm, rational, and still supportive of his ex-partner, despite the fact that he will also express the opinion that he believes she is quite unstable. (are you on the same boards? visit the same sites? But its YOU that is stalking him? Because the cyberpath cannot and will not maintain a cordial distance! But that's YOUR fault. LOL... NOT)

He will make statements such as saying that he "bears her no ill-will", etc., but then will show no respect for her boundaries ... The abuser will still inquire with friends as to how she is doing, implying that his inquiry is because he cares about her - he does care - about retaining those last vestiges of control, even after the breakup. What he really wants to know is if she is suffering or doing badly, because that feeds his sick ego. He feels best when he puts other people in as much pain as he is in.

People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person's "issues" are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices.

Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.
People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.

Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH - some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it.

People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.

Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self.

Match.com Sued Again

Yet more reasons to STAY OFF THE ONLINE DATING SITES! - Fighter

A world-wide dating website Match.com, is being sued by a New York area man for deceptive marketing practices. New York general litigation attorneys representing the plaintiff accused Match of misleading customers with dating prospects who are not actually, paid members of the Internet dating service.

The Brooklyn, NY man claims he was humiliated and disappointed due to unresponsive profiles on Match.com.

The plaintiff, Sean McGinn of Brooklyn, filed the lawsuit against the dating giant, Match.com, on Tuesday. According to New York Federal Court reports, McGinn claims members of the dating Internet website suffer rejection when attempts are made to contact a prospective date and the inquiry remains unanswered. This lack of response leaves members with the sense of humiliation and disappointment.

The lawsuit cites Match.com profiles do not clearly state whether or not the prospective single has a current paying subscription, which is inflicting anxiety, fear of rejection, and further defrauds the consumer of their time and emotional investment. McGinn alleges Match.com’s business practices are deceptive and his suit requests unspecified damages.

Match.com, owned by IAC/InterActiveCorp, which has a membership following of more than 100 million people since 2000, states the lawsuit lacks merit. Attorneys representing the social media giant assert they will defend the allegations vigorously. According to the dating service, profiles can be made without any charge to the person. Through this profile, prospective members can search the databases for singles and prospective dates, but will be unable to contact anyone or respond to any messages without paying a fee to join the service.

It is clearly stated on the website that looking around, and creating a profile is free to everyone, but you have to hold a paying membership to email, wink, and “enjoy all that Match.com has to offer”.

JusticeNewsFlash.com news for New York general litigation lawyers.

Cyberstalkers Violate Victims with Cutting Edge

By Stephen T. Watson

It can be a GPS device implanted under a car’s dashboard, revealing where the victim is at any time.

Or a video camera hidden in a home and disguised as a baseball cap or a calculator.

Or spyware surreptitiously downloaded onto a computer that provides remote access to e-mail, the user’s schedule and every Web site she visits.

Stalkers today don’t have to lurk outside an office or trail a car to keep track of their target’s every move, because technical advances make it easier for them to harass their victims.

These high-tech tools tell stalkers where their victims are, what they are doing and whom they are talking to, all from a distance and hidden behind an electronic veil of secrecy.

“We’re noticing some folks we work with are starting to say, ‘How did he know that? How did he know I was here?’ ” said Robyn Wiktorski- Reynolds, advocate program coordinator at Crisis Services. “I know it’s happening, and I know it has instilled a lot of fear in people that it could happen [to them]. It’s just the new method of doing it.”

Law enforcement officials, victim advocates and tech experts say they have seen an increase in cases in which stalkers have used old and new technologies to track their victims.

Local police and prosecutors say they have seen a handful of such cases, and a study released this year by the U. S. Department of Justice found that electronic stalking is a serious problem.

“More and more, we’re seeing stalkers using this technology to facilitate the behavior they’ve always engaged in,” said Michelle M. Garcia, director of the Stalking Resource Center at the National Center for Victims of Crime, in Washington, D. C.

Potential victims need to know that stalkers are using these high-tech devices and that they must be careful about what they share online, advocates say.

“It’s a very serious concern, and the problem with so-called stalking technology is that there’s very little that victims can do to identify or stop this covert tracking,” said Marc Rotenberg, executive director of the Electronic Privacy Information Center.

Some of this technology — such as hidden surveillance cameras or tiny audio recording devices — has been used by criminals and police alike for years. Today, however, the devices are smaller and cheaper, and the surveillance software is easier to use and more accessible.

Getting harder to track
A January report from the Bureau of Justice Statistics, an arm of the Justice Department, found that 3.4 million people reported being stalked during a recent 12-month period.

During that time, covering part of 2005 and 2006, one in four victims said they were harassed by e-mail, text message or some other form of cyber-stalking, while one in 13 victims said they were stalked through some form of electronic monitoring.

It’s easy to obscure the origin of a phone call or e-mail, and people can send text messages anonymously through any of a number of Webbased services.

In one case, a young woman received several threatening calls on her cell phone from a man who knew her name, said Edward C. Hempling, director of training at the Erie Community College County Law Enforcement Training Academy.

The calls showed up as “Blocked ID,” Hempling said, and the man didn’t stop when the woman said she would call the police. The man called again, Hempling said, and he threatened an officer when he took the phone.

The investigation into the source of the calls, which is continuing, hasn’t been easy, he added. “It took two weeks for them to get the phone number,” Hempling said. “You increase the level of the technology, you’re increasing the time and the level of expertise required to properly investigate it.”

Global-positioning system technology has made it easier for stalkers to keep track of their victims’ location.

A stalker can implant a GPS device or another tracking device in a car and keep tabs on the position of the vehicle through an Internet connection.

Listening devices are getting easier to hide, cheaper and higher-quality. Newer technology allows users to tap into every file on a cell phone’s subscriber identity module, or SIM, card, the portable memory chip used by most cellular providers.

Also, a cell phone can be hidden in a car or home and programmed so that when stalkers call a phone, they can listen in on whatever conversation is taking place.

Video cameras, too, are getting smaller and easier to hide. They can be made to look like everyday objects and operate over a wireless connection, so the footage can be monitored online.

This month, for example, a West Seneca man was charged with hiding a spy camera in the bedroom of his girlfriend’s teenage daughter so that he could watch and record her dressing and undressing.

The Internet and cutting-edge computer software have opened new opportunities for stalkers interested in illicitly obtaining personal data.

Firms sell information
Spyware, often unintentionally downloaded onto the victim’s computer, can keep track of every Web site a computer user visits, e-mail traffic and instant messaging. Keystroke logging software, once installed, goes further and covertly transmits or keeps a record of everything the victim has typed onto the computer.

“There’s some way you can send e-mail that has a Trojan horse so that I can see where you’re going on your computer,” Amherst Assistant Police Chief Timothy M. Green said.

At a domestic-violence conference held in March at ECC, Jodi Rafkin recalled a woman who was stalked and killed in 1999 outside her office by a former classmate who found out where she worked through one of the companies that obtain and sell such information on demand.

The stalker, Liam Youens, had obsessed over Amy Boyer for years and devoted two Web sites to detailed descriptions of his hatred for her and his intentions to kill her, said Rafkin, a program attorney with the Stalking Resource Center.

Boyer’s family began a crusade to try to shut down such companies, which dig up phone records, as well.

In one pending Niagara County case, a man is accused of putting tracking devices in his estranged wife’s cell phone and in a laptop computer given to their children, said Lisa M. Baehre, an assistant district attorney and head of the office’s Domestic Violence Bureau.

Experts say law enforcement officials need to devote the time and resources for better training in detection, prevention and investigation of electronic stalking.

The conference at ECC’s North Campus was a local step in that direction, but more is needed because the technology is advancing so rapidly and the cases are so complex.

‘A daunting task’
“For the law enforcement side, it’s definitely a daunting task to think that every time you take one step forward, the bad guys take three steps forward,” said Supervisory Special Agent Jeffrey A. Tricoli, head of the cybercrime program with the Buffalo office of the FBI.

Potential victims need to be aware that stalkers can use the Internet and high-tech devices in committing their crimes and that they need to be cautious while using the Web.

“We talk to people about being careful what they put on the computer,” said Laura E. Grube, a coordinator with Child & Family Services Haven House, serving victims of domestic violence,“being careful about what they share on their Facebook page [and] knowing about their privacy settings.”

Original Article

DON'T TAKE GOOGLE FOR GRANTED!

Instead of taking Google for granted, we need to remember that criminals get the same easy access to information we get from a capable and quick search engine.

To see what the Internet knows about you, start by going to the Google site or by using the Google toolbar. Next, either type your name in quotations or, for a more refined search, type intext: (intext with a colon) immediately followed by your name in quotes. Now type your address or phone number, and Google may turn up a church or a social group directory listing. If this doesn't surprise or outrage you, type into Google your social security number or credit card numbers. (You can also use metasearches such as Mamma.com, Dogpile.com or others)

So never put anything personal, such as your social security number on a resume, on the Internet, not even temporarily. Be careful about using the same nickname over and over - especially if you have posts on sites you'd prefer others don't see. Sites like Archive.org can have incriminating posts of yours cached for years.

And if you find such information on a cached Web page - find out how to get it removed and do so, if possible.

ORIGINAL POST

INTERNET LURING

(While the original article deals with warning for children - we have amended it to read for adults, as well. A link to the original article is below - Fighter)

For generations it has been ingrained in us, time-honoured rule: "Don't talk to strangers."

But that rule has a new meaning now that people can talk to strangers all over the world via the internet.

Talking in chat groups and through e-mail isn't anything like talking over the telephone or meeting someone in person. There is no eye contact and there is no chance to pick up meaning from the cadence and rhythm of the human voice. People on the internet can log on using fake names, they can create whole new identities that are tough to challenge.

The scary thing is that many people who talk and chat on the Internet think it's perfectly safe.

But it's not.

An underage Canadian girl, who can't be named, received this e-mail from her "cyberpal."

I thought about you and what I would do if we were together and this happened when we had our baby... You are my inspiration and my soul! I can hardly wait til you're with me.
Love, your man Jason

Jason turned out to be 28-year-old Jason Wright from Washington state. He arrived at the girl's home in Victoria, B.C., and drove away with her.

Police caught up with them and charged Wright with abduction and sexual assault. Police say Wright had spent a night in a hotel with the girl.

They also found a notebook containing the names and e-mail addresses of other young girls in Canada and the U.S.

Wright was found not guilty of both charges.

In 2001, Ottawa proposed a new law that would mean a maximum five-year prison sentence for people caught using the internet to lure children. The law came into effect in July 2002 as part of an omnibus amendment to the Criminal Code.

But Bruce Headridge, a former detective with the Organized Crime Agency of B.C., says there's still a long way to go as the legal system tries to keep up with the quickly-evolving technology. (Needs to provide recourse and safety for lured adults as well!!)

Online safety rules

* Don't respond to flaming (provocation)

* Choose a genderless screen name

* Don't flirt online, unless you're prepared for the consequences. This is just like real life. Yes, you have the right to flirt. And you have the right to a sexy nickname. Sometimes it's better just to back off a bit and not exercise all your rights all the time.

* Save offending messages and report them to your service provider (and theirs)

* Don't give out any personal information about yourself or anyone else.

* Get out of a situation online that has become hostile, log off or surf elsewhere.

CyberBreach.com, set up by Headridge also suggests similar guidelines for online chats and e-mails.

(edited from the original)

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

No Such Thing as "Deleted" on the Internet

It's always fun to write about research that you can actually try out for yourself.

Try this: Take a photo and upload it to Facebook, then after a day or so, note what the URL to the picture is (the actual photo, not the page on which the photo resides), and then delete it. Come back a month later and see if the link works. Chances are: It will.

Facebook isn't alone here. Researchers at Cambridge University (so you know this is legit, people!) have found that nearly half of the social networking sites don't immediately delete pictures when a user requests they be removed. In general, photo-centric websites like Flickr were found to be better at quickly removing deleted photos upon request.

Why do "deleted" photos stick around so long? The problem relates to the way data is stored on large websites: While your personal computer only keeps one copy of a file, large-scale services like Facebook rely on what are called content delivery networks to manage data and distribution. It's a complex system wherein data is copied to multiple intermediate devices, usually to speed up access to files when millions of people are trying to access the service simultaneously. (Yahoo! Tech is served by dozens of servers, for example.) But because changes aren't reflected across the CDN immediately, ghost copies of files tend to linger for days or weeks.

In the case of Facebook, the company says data may hang around until the URL in question is reused, which is usually "after a short period of time." Though obviously that time can vary considerably.

Of course, once a photo escapes from the walled garden of a social network like Facebook, the chances of deleting it permanently fall even further. Google's caching system is remarkably efficient at archiving copies of web content, long after it's removed from the web. Anyone who's ever used Google Image Search can likely tell you a story about clicking on a thumbnail image, only to find that the image has been deleted from the website in question -- yet the thumbnail remains on Google for months. And then there are services like the Wayback Machine, which copy entire websites for posterity, archiving data and pictures forever.

The lesson: Those drunken party photos you don't want people to see? Simply don't upload them to the web, ever, because trying to delete them after you sober up is a tough proposition.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE

IS IT LEGAL TO EXPOSE THESE PREDATORS?

Written by Fighter
(originally published December 02, 2005)

Here's the question - is it LEGAL to expose a cheater or abuser online? We remind you that this piece contains our personal OPINIONS only and was written for the purpose of consideration and discussion.
In short, it appears the current answer is YES. But this could change in the near future.

Most of these type of sites have rules for exposing the people listed. The current interpretation seems to say if you have proof to back up what you say, and it is truthful, it is not libel or slander or defamation. But remember, laws can be changed with enough pressure.

One site that exposes cheating men recently had a group attempt to launch a lawsuit against them. Guess what happened? Other than whining & moaning about how the cheaters and their families were harmed? Not much. The cheaters' website was looking for advertisers and money to help support their "cause." (Their site & cause are now BOTH defunct) Besides, now there are so many other choices of sites available to expose people, both men and women! (Additionally, the men trying to launch a lawsuit all admitted to affairs, cheating and lying to others online... but were angry about their families being harmed. -- Sounds like Dorksy, gridney/ Yidwithlid, Beckstead, etc. Maybe they should have thought of that before they went online to prey on innocent, vulnerable women and then treat them and smear these victims when they were caught in the lies & game playing. In short, they had NO SUIT!)

This same site had a man named Todd Hollis attempt to sue them for defamation. It got to court and rather than "having his day," the suit was tossed out by the judge before it even got that far.

According to judge R. Stanton Wettick, the "Defendant’s Web site is accessible to anyone connected to the Internet anywhere in the world. Under plaintiff’s argument, defendant could be hauled into court in any state for any controversy. This result would be inconsistent with the Supreme Court’s understanding of the requirements of due process."

Exposure sites have very specific terms of use - honesty is a must and the legal onus is on the poster. Site owners and posters believe the men are angry they have been caught and exposed. (these cheaters & abusers always deny what they did, play the victim, say their family is being hurt or that the victim(s) 'knew what they were doing' or were psychos, scorned, etc. Always! It's a red flag that the person smearing them is attempting to defame his victim(s) so no one will listen to the REAL STORY)

Recently we were asked if most of these abusers and cheaters feel ashamed, sorry or sad about what they have done. Answer: "Not that we have seen!! In fact, it seems that they usually become indignant, angry and lash out at the person(s) that exposed the truth about them. They only "feel sorry" to try to rope the victim into saying nothing about them and to stop the tide of truth from exposing all the rest of their evil deeds."

Sad? Yes they are. Sad they got caught. And some of them do clean up their act for a few weeks, months or even years - but usually go RIGHT BACK to it and are sneakier about it next time.

If you consider that many of these people fall into a destructive sociopathic and narcissistic pattern you will find that many of them will go to therapy or even make long, carefully-crafted confessions to their partners. They even keep tweaking their stories until they find one that works. Here's one beaut that one of our predators tells to this day, that is the exact opposite of really happened, is pure slander and leaves out a lot of pertinent facts to make them (the Cyberpath) appear the victim:

You were an old girlfriend of Yidwithlid from an upstate NY college. You used the internet to track him down after 30 years, which wasn’t too hard because he’s a published writer.

You had cyber-sex with him and then got him to agree to meet up with you. When he did meet up with you, to his horror, he saw that his ex-girlfriend from college had ballooned into a 275 lb fat pig with poor hygiene and he didn’t want to bang you.

He politely excused himself by saying he couldn’t do this to his wife. You then began stalking him and his family, driving by his house, sending letters to his wife, his parents, his in-laws, his rabbi, the police, anyone with whom you thought you could slander his good name. His poor wife was left with no choice but to report you to the police after you threatened to harm her children.

Sound familiar porkchop?

Or there's the old "she's a scorned crazy woman" that this guy uses. Or this Cyberpath who says the victim who exposed him is "mentally unbalanced." Or this guy who has sworn for the last few years it's "all lies" and he's "writing a book to tell the truth" and "suing everyone." Don't buy it!

Once they find themselves "CURED" (We use that term loosely because deep down they justify everything and see NOTHING wrong with their behaviors) they will, step by step, go right back to their predatory ways either online or off. Being an online cheater is an addiction and takes a lot of honesty and giving up personal time to break an addiction or not trade it for something equally addicting and destructive.

The worst part is these cheaters and abusers usually accuse their wounded targets of harassing both them and/or their partners/ families and even stalking them. This is nothing more than a preemptive strike.

It common for internet predators, abusers and cheaters to enlist their local police in harassing their victims by showing the police carefully selected instant messages and emails to support their claims and need to cut down the once "beloved' target." This move sometimes makes their victims back down but usually the retributive attack can't be backed up.

• Be careful, the law regarding internet communications is still new so ask yourself:
• Are you exposing them to be mean or get revenge?
• Or are you doing it to warn others and possibly stop the cyberpath from destroying themselves and their families?
• Are you being vindictive or shedding real light on the situation?

When you point the finger at someone there are always three fingers pointing back at you. Your stories may help some potential victim see the patterns of behavior displayed by these people and avoid a lot of heartache. They may be cathartic as well. Telling is well known in psychiatric & medical communities as healing for victims.

As it stands, these communications are considered like any internet bulletin board posting as long as it doesn't contain telephone numbers or other information someone could use for identity theft. The exposure site owners say it is a matter of opinion.

In many cases, the cheater's spouse, therapist or partner may even stand up for the cheater/ abuser. These people do "seem" so contrite. They tell them to NEVER speak to their victim(s) again. Is that right? Maybe not. It doesn't offer an outlet for the cathartic anger and venting these exposure sites allow. It doesn't allow for healing on either side. It shows no empathy towards the victim.

Counselors for internet addiction say the cheaters should come clean with their partner AND all their victims. They also suggest trying to reframe the relationship into something more productive and honest for both people. Cutting off the victim is cruel and allows the abuser to then bend their stories without reproach, launch a smear campaign against their victims, run away from any responsibility and lie to everyone even more... including themselves. 12-Step addicts know that you must make direct amends.

Of course, some hide behind the step that says "unless to do so would cause more harm." In this case the cheater convinces themselves it would harm the victim even more. Baloney. The truth is not only a great leveler but also a great healer. In fact, new programs for restorative justice bring some prison inmates together with their victims which has been proven to be very healing for both of them.

So, think about it: if you internet predators, cheaters and abusers truly want to mend your ways then trying to erase what you did online by creating new identities and blocking victims isn't the solution, is it?

Now back to the lawsuit mentioned above. The owner of the site that was threatened with a lawsuit says:

"Most of them say that the [person] who posted [the profile] is crazy, that something is wrong with [the poster]; and that they're [the abuser/ cheater] saints."

Domestic Violence advocates say this is classic and typical abuser-speak. It's never the cheater or abuser, it's always the person who found them out! Sort of a no-good-deed-goes-unpunished moment. Unlike the public posting of the locations of known, convicted sex-offenders, this does seem to be more problematic in terms of fairness.

The another site sheds more light on the process:

"I don't want to ruin someone's life.... But, I can't control if you are player and a bunch of women post things about you. That is just a karma thing."

In one case, City of Kirkland v. Sheehan, Bill Sheehan, a man in Washington State says he put up a website in an effort to make the police more publicly accountable. He published information about local police officers from the City of Kirkland and other municipalities in Washington including their names, addresses, dates of birth, phone numbers, spouses' names and more. The police officers claimed this required them to enhance their personal and job security measures as well as expend funds in response to the listings. The case also alleges the site caused stress to both them and their families. This allegation is similar to the one made by the group attempting to shut down the cheating man site.

The ruling on the case held that the First Amendment protected the site:

"[I]n the absence of a credible specific threat of harm, the publication of lawfully obtained addresses and telephone numbers, while certainly unwelcome to those who had desired a greater degree of anonymity, is traditionally viewed as having the ability to promote political speech. Publication may arguably expose wrongdoers and/or facilitate peaceful picketing of homes or worksites and render other communication possible."

As for the cheating man site? A former U.S. attorney Scott Christie was quoted in the New Jersey Star Ledger,

"Yes, it's all legal. If I were the owners of this site, I wouldn't be concerned. They're providing an outlet for people to express their opinion. It's much like hosting a bulletin board for people with a common interest,. People are giving their opinion about other people — they're entitled to it under the First Amendment."

And this from Canada.com:

According to a privacy lawyer from Halifax, (snip)

"If the person's reputation is in Canada, and they are in Canada, and likely the person who posted the information is in Canada, there's more than enough connection for Canadian defamation law to apply," says David T.S. Fraser, chair of the privacy practice group at McInnes Cooper. But he hastens to add the statements aren't considered defamatory if they're true.

"If you're a slug," says Mr. Fraser, "it's only appropriate people know you're a slug."

And think about this: The people who post the pictures/profiles on any site are making an "allegation" — nothing more. Many of them aren't offering evidence that is irrefutable and verifiable other than their account. With sites that do, they make sure they have evidence. But what are the reasons for doing this? Is it a warning, catharsis, revenge or a credible threat? That's something the poster needs to ask themselves before they get into a very sticky legal situation.

In an article on FindLaw, writer Anita Ramasastry brought up some current cases involving exposure sites, digital information and their interesting findings. One case stated that the First Amendment does not protect all personally identifiable information in every context, even those published online. In a 6-5 decision (close), in Planned Parenthood of the Columbia/Willamette, Inc., et al., v. American Coalition of Life Activists, et al. an en banc panel of the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit upheld an injunction against a web site that did publish personal information of abortion doctors.

This particular case involved a website called the "Nuremberg Files." It published the addresses, photographs, addresses and other personal information of physicians and others who either provided or supported abortion services. The website also had strike throughs on the names of those who had been murdered and grayed out the names of those who had been wounded. The majority in this close decision held that the "pattern" in which the posters appeared — coupled with the fact that other abortion providers had been killed — transformed the posters into something of a symbolic threat. As such, the information was not protected by the First Amendment.

One owner of a website about cheating, abusive men says this about their site:

The Terms of Agreement and Privacy Policy are currently being re-revised and there are some terms that a woman needs to agree to before she can add a man to the database. All this basically comes down to two issues - Freedom of Speech and the First Amendment and the issue of a private person's right to privacy.

However, in a sense, aren't search engines such as Google merely large databases of information which also include personally identifying information of millions of humans?! If Google can do it, why shouldn't smaller websites such as mine be able to do it without legal reprecussions?So, okay, we have people who are exposing the misdeeds of others in a cyberspace court of public opinion. Of course this pisses off the cheaters because they want a higher threshold standard of guilt/proof or because they disagree with the concept of outting anyone publicly for what they feel should be a private matter. However, here's our personal look at another beneficial perspective of the people making these claims.

If someone posted our pictures/profiles in a database and we learned of it but it wasn't true, then we probably wouldn't waste time even rebutting it. Why? Because if we're innocent, then the burden is not on us to prove such, at least not under American jurisprudence — legal or moral. And we don't use and abuse people online or off - so we are not afraid of scrutiny. Misinformation and slander is easily proved and then we'd ask the site administrator to remove it. Threats such as being "out to get you" or "you're done" or "I will not hesitate to kill you if I see you" - are illegal and should be reported immediately to the FBI nearest where the threatener lives. (CLICK HERE for U.S. Offices)

In short - its a catharsis the victims won't get anywhere else. What are the victims of these men and women to do with their anger, pain and hurt? Suck it up and allow the abuser to move on to another victim? Tell or not tell his spouse, partner or family? Stew in their feelings?

One exposure site owner says:

It is better than going out and slashing his tires. It makes the victims feel better and gives them a way to express their bitterness and hurt."

In light of precedents like these, it's extremely likely that any law that simply tried to ban cheating men/ women sites, information aggregators like Zabasearch or "digital dossiers," would be struck down as contrary to the First Amendment. But could a more narrowly written law constitutionally restrict such sites and dossiers and be on the books soon? Some feel yes, such a law would be desirable. Some feel no, that the internet should not be restricted in such a manner as long as it does not pose a threat, symbolic or otherwise, to the persons posted as long as the information is true and proveable.

Perhaps if you are a guilty party, rather than trying to cut down the person(s) exposing you it would be better to call a qualified internet addiction counselor to stop your abusing ways. You would be doing everyone, including yourself, a favor.

Then, see what you can do to get the posting removed without a counterattack. Just talking to the person(s) you suspect posted it and working on amends honestly seems better than a Judge Judy or Jerry Springer hate-fest.

Ramasastry says in her article "... legislators should consider regulating how densely information can be collected online - regulating, that is, how thick our digital dossiers really can be. Doubtless, any attempt to do this will raise First Amendment objections. But this is one issue where privacy and the First Amendment truly clash - and the First Amendment cannot win every time."

And to the victims of these cheaters, liars, internet predators and abusers, remember: NOTHING beats sunshine and fresh air to disinfect abuse! Tell, but do not do it to endanger the person you are angry at or their families in the process. The laws are still being worked out. These sorts of internet exposures won't go away. Think of the National Enquirer and Globe articles that have caused ugly lawsuits.

Write your representatives and tell them your concerns or feelings about internet privacy.

And if you have been cheated on? Vent but exercise caution in posting anyone's personal information.

DISCLAIMER: We are not lawyers and this article is our personal opinion. It should not be construed as legal advice, in part or in whole, in way, shape or form.

OUR ARTICLE CAN BE FOUND HERE

A Cyberpath's View of the World

excerpted from this great, must read site! CLICK HERE:

A Cyberpath/ Narcissist is like a vampire who drains the emotional and even physical energy out of those close to him. He identifies and cultivates his prey, using them as a source of supply to feed his never-ending egotistical needs.

Should his source not be good enough, he will dump it and can cut people off in an instant without a second thought. If he believes that the source has potential to be a good one, he will however nurture it and cultivate it carefully. This is where his charming self comes into play.

Everyone is a source of supply to him and he cultivates this in everyone that he encounters and deals with. Those closest to him are however given the special honour of being his greatest source of narcissistic supply and will be severely punished if they falter at all.

From his family in particular the narcissist demands unquestioning obedience, unwavering belief in him, complete subjugation to his whims and needs and perpetual attention.

There is another aspect to this however. The narcissist does not only feed of adoration and gratitude, but on negative emotion as well. You are his mirror and as long as you are reflecting (reacting), his needs are being fed.

Often he will go out of his way to provoke a negative reaction purely so that he can get some sort of "power feed".

Remember that the mirror he is looking into is not made of glass, but of water. It is constantly moving and rippling. It is vibrant and alive. This activity seems to be a key factor for the narcissist, as if it in itself validates him and makes him more real and less illusion.

When the waters get too calm and there is not enough movement, he will toss a pebble in and create some ripples just to get things going again. It gives him an enormous sense of power to know that he can so easily evoke reactions in his victims. Even after he's been exposed he loves pushing his "false version" of events just to upset his victim.

It often seems as if the narcissist is just plain bored when there isn't some drama around to feed him and, when all else fails, he will whip up a quick batch out of nothing. He will provoke you, taunt you, beat you, berate you - whatever it takes. Once you have given him sufficient response, he will finally sit back satisfied, in the same way that you or I may sit back in mellow pleasure after a good meal.

This is exactly what his dramas are to him. A good meal.

In this same vein, narcissists love a good accident, a good disaster or a really juicy crisis. It doesn't matter whether it involves them or not. As long as they know about it they will make it about themselves in one way or another, wringing out of it every drop of sympathy or admiration that they possibly can.

They also love success stories, especially their own. They in fact have hundreds of success stories at hand with which to impress and win admiration. It may not be their story, but that's beside the point. Somehow they will make it theirs and if it actually belongs to someone close to them, you can be sure that they are the sole reason for that person's success.

An extremely difficult issue to come to terms with when you discover that your Cyberpath is a narcissist, is the awful, gut-wrenching realisation that this person has never loved you. They do not love, period. The only concept of love that they possess is the realization that it matters to the rest of us and it is therefore something that they can use. A weapon in their well-stocked arsenal.

To the abuser you are no more than an object for self-gratification. Like a desk or a chair. Sex with you is merely sex with a 'blow-up doll with a pulse.' You have no individual identity, which is why they get so enraged when you act as if you do. Your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors are meant to exist and be employed for one purpose only - to make the narcissist look good and feel satisfied.

This is why he is so hell-bent on controlling every aspect of you and your life. - In his view of the world, it all belongs to him.
He is a demi-god. He believes that he can destroy you. This creative power of his applies to every aspect of everyone in his life. Without him you would be nothing and it frustrates him enormously when you refuse to realize this and grovel in gratitude that he even bothered to pay attention to you.

If you have a narcissistic Cyberpath in your life, please come to terms with the fact that you are not going to change him or her. The potential that you are clinging to is an illusion, the nice guy that you sometimes see is a manipulative mask, the dream of happy ever after is a pipe dream and the concept of love overcoming all is delusional. For love to have power, it has to exist in the first place. With a Cyberpath it doesn't and there is about a 99.9% chance that it never will.

If you think that your love for them can overcome on its own, you are engaged in magical thinking. These people are unreachable because they choose to be and it is a choice that nothing you do or feel can ever change.

Probably the most important thing to remember with a Cyberpath is that you will never win. They are beyond being rational, they do not listen to anyone else unless it is about them and when they do catch the odd thing that you have said they will normally distort it and use it against you at some stage.

Never ever show any weakness with them because they will store it away - for a lifetime if necessary - and use it against you (or someone else) some day. They go for the jugular because that is the quickest access point to maximum blood and this is exactly what they are after - your very life blood.

Man Enlists Other Man Online to Rape His Wife

A man used the online advertising service Craigslist to enlist another man to rape his wife in the couple's home, police said Wednesday.

The 25-year-old North Carolina man faces first-degree rape and other charges. The press is not naming him to avoid identifying his wife, a victim of sexual assault.

His wife called police early Sunday morning and said a man with a knife raped her in the bedroom of their home in Kannapolis, about 25 miles northeast of Charlotte, authorities said. Her husband was in the room, police said. Their two young children were also home, but were unaware of what was happening, authorities said.

The husband sought someone in the ads to come to his home and have sex with his wife using "scare tactics," police said. It was without her knowledge or consent, police said.

Authorities are still investigating the identity of the man who attacked the woman and it wasn't known if the husband paid him to do it. The woman was not seriously injured, but was treated at a hospital and released.

Investigators turned their suspicions to the husband after his statement didn't add up and because there were no signs the attacker broke into the home. The husband was jailed Wednesday on $200,000 bond.

"We share the public's horror that such a crime was committed, and our heart goes out to the victim," said Craigslist spokeswoman Susan MacTavish Best.

The online classified site had been criticized for its "erotic services" section, which Craigslist agreed to do away with last month after a Boston medical student, deemed "the Craigslist killer," was charged with killing a woman he met on the site.

A Kansas City, Missouri, man was sentenced last month to 29 years in prison for raping a woman who advertised in the section.

SOURCE

OH THE THINGS CYBERPATHS SAY!

OH, THE THINGS CYBERPATHS SAY!

Just a few words about the reactions of online predators we have profiled or those we have helped to expose behind the scenes of this blog.
In the time this blog has been up and running - we have only heard from ONE online predator who threatened us directly with legal action. We welcomed it since we had done nothing wrong and could back up everything we had. (this is the reason for our stringent rules for exposure) Of course, this Cyberpath dropped the whole thing.

Brad Dorsky, who threatened us, seemed to think he was dealing with a bunch of vindictive teenagers on a social networking site - he thought wrong. Mr. Dorsky said he was going to his local police - we told him to please feel free as we would be happy to speak to the FBI about his contacting someone out of the country and grooming her until she was no longer a minor to talk about violent sexual acts online with her that traumatized her. (Cyberpaths love to see how far they can push you after they have brainwashed you).

Mr. Dorsky later had a friend of his write to us - wanting to know who we were, who gave us the information about them and tell us Dorsky was 'a good person.' We did not give out the name of the person who gave us the information. We are happy to post rebuttals or clarifying information.

Also, we encouraged him to seek counseling for the way he had treated his victims and even offered to help him find a counselor in their area. We never heard from him again; nor did we remove any of the postings. hhmmmm......

We have reports of cyberpaths filing restraining or cease & desist orders on their victims to turn it around make themselves or their families look like the hurt party. Some, we guess, have enough money to drag all their victims to court and blame them for not controlling the whole internet. Most times - they have taken doctored or 'selective' information to law enforcement to get these orders. Law enforcement is often SHOCKED when they find out they have been lied to by these seemingly 'upright citizens.'

Sheer stupidity. All to support lies.

None of the ones we know have resulted in much of anything (other than the emotional trauma) legally for the victims. All have been dropped.

In fact, in at least two cases (one of them GRIDNEY/ YIDWITHLID) - it indicated the cyberpath was trying to cover up something more, which led everyone to dig a little deeper - and give this (validating suspicions) information to law enforcement! (Can you say BUSTED?)

- We had one other cyberpath, Steven Langley Guy, write us as his EX WIFE and that "he" had tried to commit suicide because we called him 'a predator.' (why would an EX-WIFE be using his computer?? and he IS a predator)
- Then Mr. Guy wrote that he was hiring a lawyer (many of them SAY this, virtually none of them really do it!!)
- And finally - "he" wrote as the person who exposed him begging us to remove him.

ALL FROM THE SAME IP NUMBER.
These predators really think we're that stupid?

EOPC asked him for the same "proof" we ask from those who turn this information over to us. To date - NO ONE EXPOSED HERE has been able to show us any hard proof that anything we have posted here was false or fabricated. These cyberpaths and all others remain on our site.

We can see that our cyberpaths come to this blog, searching for who is here - who posted against them. Some even search all the defamation and free speech links for some loophole. (Keith Clive , Dan Jacoby, Doug Beckstead and others, come here using anonymous proxies thinking we don't notice, LOL) Oh yes, some DO even try to change their location, their IPs or use anonymous proxies. Nice try!

Dan Jacoby has been having his board-owner buddies write and threaten us and then post things about EOPC as "that horrible site" for outing his new identities. Jacoby & his proxies "Do Protest Too Much." We would guess that his exposure cut into his preying grounds. Jacoby has also made no attempt at restitution for the things he duped out of one of his victims.

To all you cyberpaths; How about expending that energy you are using on your smear campaigns & attempts to re-write history instead: on making amends & talking it out with those you harmed, or in your own offline lives -- as well as getting yourselves therapy - in short: be an honest human being who doesn't use & abuse people.

• Don't just cut them off when YOU Get caught!!
• Genuinely Apologize. (Make financial restitution where necessary)
  
• If your victim asks you to leave them alone -- DO SO!
  
• For some: Reframe the relationship and talk about what happened. Not a shouting match because the victim won't buy into your "version" of things. REALITY TALK.
  
• BE ACCOUNTABLE!

PROBLEM IS, Victims: CYBERPATHS REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING BUT THEMSELVES. ANYTHING. YOU COULD BE HANGING FROM A ROPE AND THEY WOULD FIND A WAY TO BLAME YOU (like -- Lori Drew)

Remember - abuse happens in secret. EOPC is about no more secrets. You can't heal until its no longer a secret!

Beckstead is trying DESPERATELY to do damage control by posting articles his name appeared in every place he can. This pushes the posts about him down on Google. Beckstead hopes no one will scan past the first page or two -- that way he can say: "See, I'm a good guy!" All in an effort to counter the truth that he's an abusive, perverted online predator and to convince his new targets what a altruist he is.

Beckstead even went so far as to PHOTOSHOP pictures of himself to try to make himself look thinner (he's morbidly obese) and used a recent assignment to write about the war in Iraq (he was sent there to write) to tell potential prey he was "deployed" and imply he's an enlisted soldier. There's no crime in being fat but at least be honest. He's also filled his FACEBOOK account with old friends & friends-of-friends who all believe he's a nice guy and know nothing about his secret life; in attempt to clean up his image without any real apologies.

One of the scariest and biggest cyberpaths we've heard of is Vincent Bridges. Bridges and his sycophants are still logging into boards and forums (under various nicknames) attacking his victim with the most outrageous claims. At this link Bridges, using the nickname - "Fulcanelli" - apparently does some great sociopathic projection by accusing his VICTIM of being the sociopath and twisting words & facts. Bridges'd be funny if he weren't so scary and crazy!

All we ask is these people submit to the same standards we have for our victims/targets: PROOF. Hard proof. (Funny how cyberpaths tend to think their 'words' are enough to rewrite truth and history) If we get this proof - we will of course retract and/or post rebuttals.
Like other abusers, the cyberpaths seem to have a 'script' of blame and excuses when they are exposed. Despite being miles or even countries apart, they all say basically the same things (or variations on a theme):

[the victim] is lying/ made it all up

[the victim] is psycho/ crazy

[the victim] set me up

[the victim] is obsessed with me

[the victim] wants to ruin my life/ is the abusive one

[the victim] is cyberstalking/ stalking me / my family/ my friends

I don't even know [the victim]

I have hired a lawyer to deal with this (on Kristen Rhoad, one of Phil Haberman's victims - has hired a lawyer(s) or legal representative - and it seems Mr. Haberman filed false charges and is about to get a legal spanking for abusing the system)

It never happened

[The victim] is just jealous

That was all planted, I never said that/ did that

That is false, I am the victim here!

They [the victim] abused ME!!

I had to do something for relief. [The Victim] toyed with me/ tempted me.

I am sorry - I have changed (while still having online affairs)

[The victim] is just trying to ruin my life/ my happiness/ destroy my family or hurt my spouse.
And we can't go without an extra special mention to our latest Cyberpath: LORI DREW - the woman that drove a 13-year old named Megan Meier to suicide. Who, after a year of the law doing NOTHING - told Megan's mother (who lives 4 doors down) and who is fighting for justice for her dead daughter to:

"GIVE IT A REST"

Mrs. Drew - you have confirmed via your lawyer's statements: that were full of "poor me" and blame-shifting to your victim (a 13 year old victim) that you are mentally disordered. You have proved your cyberpathy - because you just did precisely what every other perverted predator here does: BLAME YOUR VICTIM!

Mrs. Drew, you got away easy with 3 misdemeanor counts - You should be doing time for MURDER!

Nathan Thomas (a.k.a. "T") asked one of Targets to please not "annoy him" once she found out. He also accused one of his many overlapping wives of CAUSING the problem because she DIDN'T STAND BY HIM (i.e. believe and support his lies). You used women for free sex, room, board and now you don't want them to "ANNOY YOU."

Thomas has even gone as far as to tell a wife with whom he had an allegedly BIGAMOUS MARRIAGE that "the CIA and US Government" were going to be "mad at her" for questioning him! He'd tried to convince her he was a Special Ops Agent for the U.S. Thomas took off after that on a "secret mission" (NOT) and this wife hasn't seen him since!

Sick... just sick.

Gridney/ YidwithLid (we found out with some simple web searches out he'd changed his nickname from Gridney to Yidwithlid and now calls himself Sammy Benoit) told Target #2 "if you love me you will leave me alone and let my wife heal" (wait! He'd told Target #2 he didn't love his wife anymore and loved only HER! So in 3 days - after getting caught - he totally changes his tune? REAL Love doesn't do that!)

Gridney/ Yidwithlid told Target #1 "its over" and he would help get her children taken from her (which made her go to police... the rest is history). Over? What's over? It never started.

He never let Target #1 be a real friend to him or his family, despite her repeated requests! Now he makes her out to be some sort of attack-bot! Click Here for his complete line of baloney & spin - which he removed from his blog but which (like his hooker reviews) remains on the net!

To this day yidwithlid (like all of them) still blames Target #1 only for exposing him to his job, his family, etc and implies all the hooker postings and ads for casual sex were 'planted' or 'made up' (forensic recovery has shown us they were from HIM, not planted or made up at all!) - which she did NOT do and has posted the hard copies to prove it.

She (like many of our victims) only told his wife in the hopes his wife would HELP him break his sex addiction and exploitation of women. It's too easy to believe women like this are doing it for revenge. But often, they aren't! She felt compelled to go to police to protect her children - and look what happened! A $2million a year brothel ole Gridney/ Yidwithlid was going to for about 3-4 years - PRIOR to Target #1 and #2 - was BUSTED!

If you want a real laugh - read the minimized, twisted version J/Gridney/ Yidwithlid put on his blog a year ago when his new identity was discovered. He's since removed it from his blog. (for some unknown reason -- HA!)

Recently Yid With Lid went so far as to send a statement that this whole thing was because Target #1 was "jealous" that he wouldn't "bang" Target #1 because she is fat & ugly and (most hysterical) he "didn't want to hurt his wife." Very third grade. Obviously, the expensive hookers, phone sex and other women were of no consequence in hurting his wife - which we and the police have the verified backup of. Despite him trying to tell everyone that Target #1 is jealous and planting it all. Right....

from Yid's own "mouth":
I have 30 years in marketing. I already twist facts for a living.

from Yid's blog

______________

They all want victims to DROP it when THEY CAUSED PROFOUND TRAUMA TO THEIR TARGETS!

Victims:

Don't drop it! Your pain is not NOTHING!!

THE CYBERPATH FEELS ZERO RESPONSIBILITY TO THOSE THEY HAVE USED & ABUSED! To them you're an object, just some words on a screen - not even real!

IN FACT, THEY BLAME THE VICTIM FOR TELLING!!

To make the point about how these predators have no feelings or feel the least bit sorry for what they do to you. Think about how they belittle, smear & blow you and your trauma off.

And yes, its trauma - make no mistake.

They can see or emphasize with THEIR pain (they are such MARTYRS!) but your pain, the pain they caused? According to them, you have no right to feel bad! Only a really personality disordered individual has SUCH A LACK OF EMPATHY.

Don't listen to them anymore! Don't listen to anyone telling you they're O.K. and you're bad for being traumatized and not "forgiving & forgetting." You KNOW BETTER!

Anyone (friends, family, counselors) telling you to "Move on" or "get over it" is further abusing you because:

EMOTIONAL RAPE IS A STATIC EVENT.

It is FROZEN in the psyche of any compassionate human being. Since friends, family and clueless doctors may have never been through this sort of thing; and predators have NO REAL FEELINGS - they see it as a blip on their radar. An inconvenience. To them.

Why do you think, victims - that Cyberpaths show so much scorn for you once you find them out?

BECAUSE NOW YOU KNOW THE TRUTH and TRUTH is the one thing they can't handle.

There's a huge difference between obsession and JUSTICE.

After THESE CYBERPATHS' START, ENCOURAGE and LEAD ON THE VICTIM and then toss them away like trash - traumatizing them; the only thing for victims to do is TELL. Telling is the first step towards HEALING!

(of course there's the predators who start outright SMEAR CAMPAIGNS against those who have found them out, exposed them or questioned them. Doing this is as unoriginal as the "scorned woman" accusation and we don't buy it either.)

And if your predator says they have "changed - turned over a new leaf" - "please leave me alone to get on with my life"? HOW DARE THEY!

If they have really changed? They will take the time - how ever long that takes (days, months, years) to talk things through with you - admit & acknowledge what they did and make amends.

If they tell you "my therapist says I can't talk to you" - therapy has not caught up with this sort of interpersonal exploitation. That would be fine if you went into the online relationship knowing the truth IN THE FIRST PLACE. But you didn't.

They used you like an object, a thing, something they click off like the computer itself - and you deserve better. Besides, they are only using therapy as a COVER.

If they say "it will hurt/ upset my partner if I talk to you" find out exactly what they told their partner about you. Did they paint you as the bad one to get their a** out of the doghouse? Probably! If they say that they are still lying - to you, to their partner and themselves.

HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE!

(there are cyberpaths, such as Clive, Doug Beckstead and Dorsky that have tried to erase their tracks and rewrite history but don't know much about web archives and data retrieval! NOTHING ever really disappears on the web.)

Charles Ed Hicks said, IN COURT - IN FRONT OF A JUDGE, after 2 of his ex wives testified against him and hard proof of his fraud and bigamy was entered into the record that it was "False, ALL FALSE" Rumor has it - he's writing a book to 'set the record straight.' Maybe O.J.'s publisher is interested? LOL

Did we mention after a year in jail for Bigamy, Hicks was recently tossed out by another woman in Charleston, S.C. and is back online using the name CHARLES HICKS or CHARLES GREENE? Trolling for his next victim? And he's currently a WANTED FUGITIVE so beware!

Do you think they learn? change? NO! They just play on their next victim's compassion and willingness to believe in them.

Also the winner, by 98%, of the lines married predators (those that admit they are married) give to their victims:

My [spouse] is cold to me/ the marriage is dead/ won't have sex with me/ its over ...but I am staying because of the kids/ money and I don't love [my spouse] anymore... our marriage is only on paper....

YAWN!
It's so predictable that it's sad. Truly sad. As sad as the fact that to these predators, victims are merely objects to use.


And as we have said many many times - please at least Google or search on the person you are chatting with's name and nickname(s) and read EVERY PAGE OF ENTRIES THAT COMES UP. If they are pressing you for a meeting - we have links to background check agencies on the right and for a small fee you can find out everything you need to know.

If anyone tells you "if you do a check on me then you don't trust me/ love me" - DO THE CHECK ASAP! If you find them on a site warning you - BELIEVE IT. If they tell you "don't speak to so and so, they will lie about me or my relationship with them" or "she's a scorned woman" - SPEAK TO THAT OTHER PERSON ASAP AND GET THE TRUTH!!!!!

REMEMBER: People who are honest have nothing to hide.

- Fighter

MORE: VERBAL ATTACKS OF THE SOCIOPATH

Is Your Online Sweetheart Telling the Truth?

With so many people asking the same question - perhaps now is the time to closely examine how to tell if the person you are dealing with on the "net" is, in fact, the person they are purporting to be. But how? How do we determine this? If we come out and blatantly interrogate them, they will no doubt be offended. On the other hand, this micro-scrutiny may well be what we have to resort to - and in turn, we must be prepared to subject ourselves to the same. Still, a cunning and masterful liar will jump through any hoops to satisfy their goal - so, after some thought, I have put together, based on my own experiences and insights, a list of possible ways to determine if you are dealing with an Honest person.

Listen To Them!
I cannot stress enough the importance of really "listening" to the person you are dealing with. Of course, the notion of "listening" to someone's words on the screen is ridiculous - but if you consider that in the sense they are "speaking" to you - this makes perfect sense. Do they sound too good to be true? We'd all really like to believe the person we are coming to enjoy knowing and speaking with is exactly as they say they are. We want nothing more than to take them at face value. But reading these stories we find often that the real-deal is the exception rather than the rule. Read what they are writing - pin them down on "iffy" details - if they refuse to be pinned, or remain evasive, consider that a RED FLAG and proceed with caution!

Does it Make Sense?
What if you are left with questions that, in your mind, really don't make sense - but the person you are speaking with has a quick explanation. Ask yourself, more than once - is it really believable? For example - "I'd love to meet you soon.. but I have some details or personal matters to take care of first" should provide a RED FLAG. While none of us wants to pry or probe for information, we have to ask ourselves "what kind of personal details or matters are so important that preclude this person from being able to meet me?" Do you have to ask online permission first to call someone? If so, that is a good indication that the person you are dealing with isn't really "free" to meet you at all. Who else lives there? Is it possible the person you are dealing with is still married? While it is true that many people looking for love on-line may still be married, and dealing with the aftermath of terminating their marriages - it's important to establish this well in advance of involving yourself with someone else. Most people understand that often, marriages can take time to end - that doesn't make the person any less available, as long as you can clarify details, and this can be accomplished by calling them at their home (once you have established a comfortable rapport with each other and have exchanged phone numbers). Call when they aren't expecting your call - do they have an answering machine? Who's voice is on it? Are they secretive, do they speak in hushed tones or are they angry or upset that you called without notice? These are pretty good indications that your unexpected call was not as welcome as you would have liked. If this is the type of response your surprise phone call receives, be prepared for some fancy footwork from the other person when they finally do hook up with you, while they explain the reasons for their reaction. Fancy footwork usually involves weaving a tale that on it's surface - sounds plausible, but little else. Do it again! If your first surprise phone call wasn't as welcome as you would have liked, do it again! If you get the same kind of reaction - you can draw your own conclusions. Make these calls at different times. This does not mean harass anyone! But a couple of calls spread out over the span of a week or two certainly do not equal harassment. After all.. this is someone who is supposedly very interested in you.

Current Photos!
With the issue of dishonesty or deception as to the other person's actual weight or age clearly being one of the main issues of Honesty - how do we accomplish the goal of finding out if they're telling the truth? I won't begin to discuss the issues surrounding why weight, etc., is so important.. suffice it to say - if you're telling the truth about yourself, then it doesn't matter. On the other hand, if you want to base a relationship on dishonesty, and the person you are speaking with has a clear idea as to your weight - and you're lying - why do you think you deserve to have any kind of relationship at all? Often, people will try to put off that inevitable first meeting for as long as possible when they are being dishonest about weight. The logical thinking behind this is that for as long as they can delay this, they will make every effort to lose this weight. Of course, this is ludicrous on it's surface as weight loss takes a long time, and people who haven't started a diet aren't likely going to be able to manage substantial weight loss to their own satisfaction in this time frame. But how do you know what they Really look like? Old pictures often tell a thinner or younger story - and we can be stunned or shocked to go to meet the person in the old picture, and find the real person - who we didn't even recognize! There are no shortage of excuses for "why" people don't have current pictures.. "I don't have a scanner", "I don't have a camera", "I haven't gotten the pictures scanned yet", "I don't have time" .. Let's be real here. Any photocopy service in this day and age does photo scanning. They charge an average of $10 (and that's judging from prices of about a year ago) and it takes less than an hour. With the emergence on the marketplace of low-cost personal scanners, we all probably know someone who has a scanner. No current picture? Nobody to take one for you? Heck, there's no shortage of places you can get a picture taken. I once resorted to asking the guy at the store where I buy my bottled water to take my picture, handing him my polaroid. If you aren't being dishonest about yourself, chances are, you have a current picture or have the means to get one. How do we know if it's a current picture? That indeed seems to be the big question here. The best idea I had (and this is lame, I know) is to hold up the day's newspaper (not in front of you, but just off to the side). Sure, the actual date will be impossible to read - but the day's headline sure won't be hard to miss!

The Scammers!
When you read these stories, you'll see that indeed, it is possible now to meet up with someone who isn't interested in you at all, but rather what you can do for them or what they can take from you (money, sex, property...). Too bad they're there - until we can find a means to stop them, the best we can do is protect ourselves. How do you know if someone is out to "con" you? Let's look at the theory behind "cons" or "confidence" people. That's how they work isn't it? The put you at ease immediately, they agree with everything you say, they pour out undying and heartfelt emotions almost immediately. How is it possible?? How can they "love" you almost immediately without ever having met you? I've heard the lamest arguments on this point "well what about in the olden days with pony express? People met, fell in love and married that way all the time!" Uh huh.. hellooo! This is not the 1800s.. we have the means, we have the technology - why would ANYONE make this kind of argument to validate their feelings for someone else? If you defend that train of thought - I'll expect to see your story here sooner or later.

The fact is - "LOVE" is not possible without physically meeting someone or spending a lot of time in getting to know them IN PERSON and not in bed! I will not argue that infatuation is possible, or that feelings of joy, contentment and overwhelming desire are possible. But the "connection" between two people who have not met is not.

Why the rush to love? These people aren't going anywhere.. I can certainly understand the feelings of loneliness and the wonder and joy of being "in love" and having someone who "loves" you in return. It's Wonderful!! But.. it takes a bit of time. Anyone Who tells you they love you within the first 6-8 weeks or so of knowing you online is a liar! There, I've said it - it's out. Would you believe anyone who, in real life, told you they loved you if they'd just met you the week before? No way! Same rules apply here. NOT POSSIBLE. When and if you hear those three little words that mean so much, step back. Step back hard and tell them you are doing just that. If it's "real" or "true" love, it will last forever and stand the test of time, and they will respect that you question your feelings and thiers. If it's still "love" after a few weeks or a month - meet and meet soon!! You will know when you meet in person if what you felt online is what you feel for them in person.

Why Meet Soon? - Let's face it - the internet provides us several unique opportunities to meet a great number of people from one "site". Personals sites list several thousand people each - chat rooms give them the chance to interact - e-mail affords them the privacy to correspond with several people at once. If you have the means to meet people who live far away - wonderful! When you meet that "special someone" and you feel very strongly for them, and you believe that they are honest and genuine - meet them soon! Find out before you make emotional investments if they are the same in person as they were online. Spare yourself the agony of allowing yourself to "feel" for them online, to live for their letters, only to find out that you were not the only one, or that your online feelings did not translate "in real life" when you met them face to face and found out that really, the spark was not there. Be true to yourself, if you do not have the means to sustain a long distance relationship - don't pursue one. Yes, I know, you will have to make yourself wait longer to meet someone from a closer area, but too many have already invested heavily in trips they could ill afford only to find disappointment and deception on the other end. (and meet in a PUBLIC PLACE, tell at least 2 people where you are going and who you are meeting- maybe take one with you!! And if they PUSH for SEX right away because they "have to have you" - even if you have had cybersex online - FORGET IT!!! This is an online SEXUAL predator who probably has a few "special men or ladies" on their hook!!)

Background Checks - There are services that I have recently found - that cater especially to those of looking for love on the internet. They are extremely affordable - and for a minimal price - you can find out some things about the person you are becoming interested in - even if these aren't things you really wanted to know. Check them out (see the link in the right margin) - this is a good resource.

(from site owner) GOOGLE or MAMMA or DOGPILE THEM! - Use a couple search engines and search on their nickname and their real name. Zabasearch.com will come up with an address and possible true date of birth if you have a name and city/state. Scroll through and read ALL the hits - even if there's 22 pages of them. You'd be surprised what you might find on page 21. Use the links in our right margin too!

Summing Up - In Summary - I have addressed my thoughts on how to tell if people are honest. They include:

1. Listen to them! Watch for stories or aspects about them that sound "iffy" or evasive. Press them for details and stand firm if they try to lead the conversation away from those details!

2. Get a Current Photo! It's tough to ask someone to take a picture holding a newspaper - but if they are who they say they are - you need only explain to them you've "been there, done that" with others who were deceptive or dishonest - and you just really need to know, that it's not personal. If they take it personally, there is yet another RED FLAG for you to pay attention to!

3. Take Your Time! If they seem to have fallen in love with you almost immediately (without meeting you in person or within the first 5-6 weeks of knowing you) - Step Back!. Why are they telling you so soon that they love you? Why the rush to love? Sure, we all love being in love - but why the rush? If it's meant to be it will last forever. TAKE YOUR TIME! They aren't going anywhere and if they are, you should be worried anyway!

4. Meet Them Soon! Do not allow yourself to make a sizeable emotional investment in anyone that isn't able to meet you! People who delay or put off that first meeting, it would seem, have something to hide. Insist on meeting them within a month of meeting them online. Allow yourself that month to get to know them and determine if after that month, you still feel for them. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet them in person to see if it's really "love". Be kind to yourself. If they're the right person - nothing you could ask them would put them off. If they've spent any time on the net - they've had similar experiences and Should Be Asking The Same of You!! And if they're not - perhaps you should wonder why... (and don't go to meet them ALONE or in a motel/hotel!! Meet in an OPEN PUBLIC PLACE the first few times)

5. Background Checks - This is accessible to you - if you have ANY RED FLAGS - use the service above or one like it. You can be sorry for something you didn't do for a very long time - using common sense is something you'll never regret.

Original article HERE

Types of Evil Personalities

excerpts:
About four percent of the population is evil - that is about one person in twenty five.

The mental abilities of evil people closely echo those of the normal population; there is a bell shaped curve of intelligence in both good and evil people.

Most good people are only aware of the least intelligent part of the evil distribution; those are the people who are obviously evil: criminals. The normal and intelligent ends of the evil distribution totally escape most good people's understanding. In this web page I will describe those undetected parts of evil.

What does an evil person of normal intelligence look like? Most people are very familiar with them. An evil person of normal intelligence is a person who makes life difficult, painful, and unpleasant for the good people around them. The supervisor who creates a crises at work by trying to pour a cup and a half of coffee into a cup and then requires everyone to work holiday's and weekends to clean up the mess - is an example of an evil person of normal intelligence. What distinguishes such people from criminals is that they are quicker learners; they figure out what will happen to them if they pursue the sort of obvious evil things that the least intelligent of the evil spectrum do.

Evil people of normal intelligence are careful to do their best to blend into good society. This insulates and protects them from the angered reaction of good people; who would hammer them just as hard as they hammer the least intelligent of the evil. Indeed, evil people of normal intelligence are so successful at blending into good society that their statements, goals and culture have become 'normal' and 'accepted'.

For example, the comic strip 'Miss Peach' is an example of the behavior and actions of evil people of normal intelligence. The 'Put Down', passive aggressive behavior, insults, 'back stabbing', these are all typical behaviors for evil people of normal intelligence. All of these things are so common that many good people adopt them as reasonable ways to behave; they are not, they are as evil as anything could be.

By far evil people of normal intelligence are the most common type of evil person most people encounter. The stress in most good people's lives comes from interaction with evil people of normal intelligence. The goal of the average evil person is to make the lives of those around them as miserable as they can - without doing enough to attract the retribution they richly deserve.

Next up the ladder is the evil person of above average intelligence. These people have a similar goal to evil people of average intelligence; the production of human misery. However these people see the opportunity to do something that evil people of normal intelligence don't see how to do; murder someone and get away with it. They understand that the way to murder someone and get away with it is to not care who they kill, how they kill them, or when they kill them. Such people set up conditions where someone will be 'accidentally' killed and wait for the circumstances to occur.

That leaves us those who are evil and of high intelligence. Most good people are also familiar with these kind of people; we call them leaders - both of industry and of government. It is the goal of such people to get away with mass murder.

If you are a good person you will meet many evil people in your life, you need to recognize them and their actions. More importantly you need to recognize which evil behaviors you have been conned into excepting as reasonable and to reject those behaviors - both in yourself and in others - as unacceptable.

Of course Yin and Yang complicates the detection of evil; in any good person there is an element of evil - in any evil person there is an element of good. In a good man that element of evil belongs in his fighting spirit - where it causes no harm and strengthens his nature. Incidentally, it is because of this element of evil in the fighting spirit that good triumphs over evil; it is something evil lacks.

ORIGINAL