EXTORTION OF CYBERCHEAT (A PEPSI EXEC)

A pretty, young swindler who first met a top Pepsi Bottling Group executive online later anonymously shook him down for $125,000 by threatening to tell his wife, children and bosses he was trolling the 'Net at work for women', shocking court papers reveal. (telling is, in our opinion - GOOD - however EXTORTION is illegal!!)

"I'm sure this will be an unpleasant surprise. I'm sure when your wife finds out that you've been looking for a fill-in for her . . . it will be unpleasant for her, too," Jessica Wolcott, 22, e-mailed multimillionaire exec Gary Wandschneider, 54, in August. Wolcott - who had met the exec face-to-face five months earlier - hid her identity in the threatening missive by using the e-mail account "cheater_eater@hotmail.com."

"After all these years of being married, this is how you repay your vows?" Wolcott asked Wandschneider, a father of three and executive V.P. for worldwide operations at Westchester-based Pepsi Bottling. "You are disgusting . . . you are pathetic," Wolcott continued in the August e-mail.

Wolcott warned Wandschneider he would end up known as "just another hated Peter Cook" - supermodel Christie Brinkley's cheating hubby - if he didn't pony up the cash.

And when Wandschneider tried to stall by asking for time to gather the $125,000, she warned, "Here's hoping your life is still a living hell and worrying every day that your name will be in the news or on a TV movie for what you've done to your wife."

Wolcott eventually got the funds transferred to her online account - but only after Wandschneider alerted the FBI, which provided the money and set up a sting to nail her.

The feds discovered her identity by determining she sent the e-mails from various locations in Pennsylvania.

When Wandschneider learned her name from FBI agents, he told them he had met her last February through the craigslist.org Web site. A month later, after exchanging e-mails and photos, he met her at a Mount Kisco bar.

The Ridgefield, Conn., man also copped to giving her $30,000 shortly after that meeting because she told him she needed to pay debts.

Although court papers do not identify Wandschneider by name, his identity was confirmed by Pepsi Bottling.

Wolcott pleaded guilty to the extortion scheme in White Plains federal court last week. She was ordered to repay the swindled $125,000 and surrender her computer.

She faces up to two years in prison at her February sentencing, but remains free on bail.

Wandschneider - who admitted to the feds that he used Craigslist and other Web sites to meet other women - could not be reached for comment.

But his wife, Dana, said, "I can't wait for her to be sentenced. You know, extortion is a bad thing." (what about what the HUSBAND did??)

A Pepsi Bottling spokeswoman said the company - the world's largest bottler of Pepsi beverages - learned of the scandal only yesterday and has launched an internal investigation.

Wolcott told thesmokinggun.com Web site, which first reported the case, that she did not have a "relationship" with Wandschneider.

Her lawyer, Susan Brody, told the Web site that Wolcott was "a young girl who has not had an easy life."

When Wandschneider first received an anonymous threatening e-mail on his office computer from Wolcott, she told "Gary" that she knew he had used his work e-mail account on a Web site that catered to wealthy men trying to meet attractive women, court records say.

"I'm sure [Pepsi Bottling] would be very proud to have an employee with such high morals," she wrote. "I don't like cheaters, not at all, men like you become my profession . . . You think you can just [throw] money at some young girl . . . who needs it because you are in a better position and use it to get sex?"

Admitting that what she was doing was extortion, Wolcott told Wandschneider she had no criminal record, so that even if she got caught, "I will get a slap on the wrist."

dan.mangan@nypost.com

For the story of another corporate executive who used his work computer to find women - and was also CAUGHT but never charged - scroll through this month - LINK. And for a FEDERAL GOVERNMENT employee who used his work computer to find women - scroll through this month - LINK.

New Yorkers turn to private eyes for help with romance

Preparing for a date in New York can be labor-intensive. Right perfume or cologne? Check. Smart clothes? Check. Report from private investigator? Check.

In the city's hot-and-heavy dating scene, the latest trend for singles is to check exactly who they are meeting for dinner with the help of the city's famed private detective agencies.

Many New Yorkers are no longer taking their romantic prospects at their word, instead running extensive background searches that cover criminal records, education, previous jobs and address history.

Sitting in his private office on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, Skipp Porteous runs Sherlock Investigations. He gets numerous requests from wealthy clients to run background searches on their potential dates.

He charges US$500 for a comprehensive background check or US$195 an hour for a two-person team to carry out a surveillance.

It can be worth it. One recent client's date had claimed to be a published author and a college professor. Porteous proved he was lying. Another woman's prospective husband was eager to join a free dating service until he realized that the "woman" who had been e-mailing him the generous offer was in fact Porteous, using a false name.

The explosive growth of online dating in the US is responsible for the increased use of background checks. Whereas online dating is still seen as slightly desperate in much of Europe, in the US it has become a normal part of life. It has also made it easier for people to create fake identities and to invent jobs, homes and lifestyles that they simply do not have.

Some online dating Web sites now conduct background checks on those who sign up to weed out people who are potentially violent or dangerous.

from THE OBSERVER, NEW YORK

JUDGE RULES IN FAVOR OF CON ARTIST & AGAINST FREE SPEECH!

Lovefraud has just published the most recent mind-boggling chapter of the Phil Haberman saga. Haberman, you may recall, has a tendency to exaggerate his meager military service to women he meets on the Internet, plays the wounded soldier when he suffered no injuries, and defrauds people such as his ex-wife, Kristen Rhoad.

Haberman's story was originally published on September 1, 2005 by the Dallas Observer. It was then picked up by at least five different websites and blogs, including Lovefraud. Rhoad launched her own blog in July, 2006.

Haberman had tried to coerce and threaten the other websites into removing the information about him. No one did it. But when Rhoad launched her blog, she became a target that Haberman could strike. He took Rhoad to family court, claiming domestic violence through cyberstalking.

Judge Robert B. Bennett Jr., of the twelfth judicial circuit in Sarasota, Florida, believed Haberman. He ordered Rhoad to remove her blog, and make sure all other Haberman stories were removed as well.

PLEASE READ ABOUT THIS WHOLE TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE HERE!

ORIGINAL POST - ALSO A MUST READ!

Pushing the Wrong Buttons: Men’s and Women’s Attitudes toward Online and Offline Infidelity

PUSHING THE WRONG BUTTONS
Men & Women's Attitudes toward Online and Offline Infidelity
Despite current researchers’ interest in the study of online sexual addiction, there is a dearth of research available on what constitutes online infidelity. This paper attempts to redress this balance by comparing 1,117 participants’ attitudes toward online and offline acts of infidelity.

A factor analysis was carried out that yielded three components of infidelity: sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity, and pornography. More importantly, this study revealed that online acts of betrayal do not fall into a discrete category of their own. A MANOVA was performed and revealed a statistically significant difference on the combined dependent variables for the interaction of gender by age, age by relationship status, and Internet sexual experience.

The hypotheses were, in part, supported. However, counter to what was predicted, in the main younger people were more likely to rate sexual acts as acts of betrayal than older individuals. It is concluded here that individuals do perceive some online interactions to be acts of betrayal. In contrast to some researchers’ claims, it is suggested here that we do need to consider how bodies are reconstructed online. Moreover, these results have important implications for any treatment rationale for infidelity (both online and offline).

Click Here to Read the Rest of this Article

FROM CHAT TO CRIME

Connecticut man wooed, fondled 15-yr.-old girl: cops

BY JOHN LAUINGER -- DAILY NEWS WRITER

A Connecticut man courted a 15-year-old Long Island girl on the Internet for a year before sexually abusing her inside his Mercedes, Suffolk police said.

The alleged Internet predator, Louis Fappiano, 24, of West Haven, Conn., agreed to surrender to authorities in Suffolk County Tuesday following a month-long police investigation, police said.

Fappiano, who works for Yale University as an administrative assistant, met the then-14-year-old girl in an Internet game room in 2005, said Detective Sergeant John Cowie, commanding officer of the Suffolk Police Department computer crimes unit, which conducted the investigation.

Cowie said that Fappiano and the girl communicated for more than a year via telephone and Internet chat rooms such as myspace.com and Yahoo.com.

"They both knew each other's real ages," Cowie said.

Fappiano arranged for a Long Island rendezvous on July 22, 2006, when the girl was 15. He took her to Famous Dave's Bar-B-Que in Smithtown, and then they went bowling at Sports Plus in Lake Grove.

"He wined her and dined her ... and then he tried to have his way with her," Cowie said. Fappiano fondled her inside his silver late-model Mercedes in the Sports Plus parking lot, Cowie added.

When the girl "fought off his attempts," Fappiano halted his advances, Cowie said. The girl told her parents about the incident three months later, and police were notified.

Cowie said detectives obtained several subpoenas to track Fappiano's Internet conversations with the girl.

After surrendering to detectives Tuesday, Fappiano was arraigned in First District Court on one count of first-degree sexual abuse - a class D felony - and one count each of third-degree sexual abuse and endangering the welfare of a child, both misdemeanors.

He pleaded not guilty, and Judge Paul Hensley released him on his own recognizance. Cowie said Fappiano wasn't charged with more serious crimes because he didn't do "anything beyond touching." "Fortunately for her, he didn't go far enough to raise [the charges] to attempted rape," Cowie said.

Fappiano is due back in court Nov. 27. If convicted of first-degree sexual abuse, he could do up to seven years in prison. It was not known whether Fappiano has hired an attorney.

Representatives of Yale University could not be reached for comment.

Original article here

A LITTLE HUMOR FOR ALL OF US

ONLINE DATERS BEWARE!

Scam artists are tapping into the online dating market, and in two cases in Hampton Falls, have stolen thousands of dollars from women who thought they had a romantic relationship.

The Hampton Falls Police Department is investigating two cases of online fraud.

The local women were duped out of thousands of dollars they'll likely never recover, Police Chief Robbie Dirsa said.

It could happen to anyone, said Dirsa, whose officer, Jeremy Tetreault, spoke at an identity theft seminar in Hampton this past Thursday.

Dirsa described both victims as professional women scammed by expert salesmen.

One case began in January 2002, he said, after one woman met a man online through the Yahoo Personals. She loaned him, over the course of more than a year, $109,000 for his alleged trucking business, Dirsa said.

The couple had a few dates, Dirsa said, though police are investigating whether the man she dated is the same person she met online or someone sent to get the money. The man she dated is described as a white male, in his 50s. She said he lived in-state.

Police know very little about him, even though they have a name and an e-mail address.

THREE LOOKS AT CYBER-ROMANCE & CYBERSEX ADDICTIONS

THREE LOOKS AT CYBER-ROMANCE & CYBERSEX ADDICTIONS
Understanding Addictive Cybersex (excerpts)
By Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., Ph.D. and Robert Weiss, LCSW, CAS

The Internet is profoundly transforming our culture and our world in ways similar to the introduction of the telephone 100 years ago. In addition to its function as a source of information, the Internet is leading a revolution in the delivery of sex and sexual content. Cybersex, which is any form of sexual expression accessed through the computer or the Internet, is now a major industry. Currently, over 60 percent of all visits on the Internet involve a sexual purpose.

These days cybersex activities include not only viewing and/or downloading pornography along with masturbation, but also reading and writing sexually explicit letters and stories, e-mailing to set up personal meetings with someone, placing ads to meet sexual partners, visiting sexually oriented chat rooms, and engaging in interactive online affairs which include real-time viewing of each other using electronic cameras hooked up to the computer. Many people allow themselves to engage in sexual behaviors online (S&M, cybersex with adolescents or children, presenting themselves as persons of the opposite gender) which they would never do in the real world. Spin-offs of cybersex activities are phone sex with people met online, and online affairs that progress to real or offline affairs.

For most cybersex users, the Internet provides a fascinating new venue for experiencing sex. Some users become hooked on cybersex and experience significant life problems as a result.

For those hooked on cybersex, the negative consequences can be divided broadly into two categories: those resulting from the many hours the user spends on the internet, and those which specifically relate to the sexual content of the user's activities.

The former group include:

* User's life becomes constricted and lonely. Many hours are spent alone with the computer, involved in fantasy sexual activities, while real-life friendships and social contacts fall away.

* If the user is married or in a relationship, the partner feels lonely, ignored, unimportant, neglected, or angry because the user prefers to spend so much time on the net rather than with the partner and family.

* Children are neglected or ignored because of the parent's involvement with the computer.

Consequences which result specifically from the sexual nature of the computer use include:

* If online sex leads to real-life sexual encounters, the user risks acquiring HIV and other oral/genital sexually transmitted diseases.

* If the user downloads Internet pornography on the work computer or engages in cybersex on the job, he or she risks job loss.

* Cybersex participants who engage in sex with minors risk arrest and imprisonment.

* Many users lie repeatedly about the sexual activities; in response, their partners feel distrust and betrayal.

* The devastating emotional impact of a cybersex affair is described by many partners as similar, if not the same, as that of a real or offline affair. This is equally true when the cybersex user has also had "real" affairs. The partner's self-esteem may be damaged; strong feelings of hurt, betrayal, abandonment, devastation, loneliness, shame, isolation, humiliation, and jealousy are evoked. Cybersex activities were considered particularly destructive in that a) they took place right in the home and b) were so time-consuming.

* The couple's sexual relationship suffers, not only generally because the user stays up much of the night, but specifically because the spouse (and often the user) compares her body and her sexual performance to that of the online men and women, and believes she/he can't measure up and/or the user or partner loses interest in having sex with each other. Many couples have no relational sex in months or years.

* Online sexual activities may be followed by physical contact with others; the partner may retaliate or seek solace in extramarital affairs.

* Children may be exposed to pornography and may develop unhealthy attitudes towards sex and women.


Internet and Cybersex Addiction: Signs, Symptoms, Effects and Treatment
Michael G. Conner, Psy.D
The Internet is especially addictive because [it] is endless, interactive, social and exploding with never ending images and information. Being on the Internet can be an escape from reality... For some people, a painful or disgusting fantasy is preferable to a less painful or disgusting reality.

The term “addiction” used to be exclusive to chemicals such as alcohol, drugs, or nicotine. With recent research on the brain and its processes, we now understand that many behaviors can become as chemically addictive as a substance. Extreme overuse of the Internet is such an addiction.

Internet Addiction Disorder
Like all other addictions, Internet Addiction Disorder is a psychophysiological disorder involving:

* tolerance (the same amount of usage elicits less response; increased amounts become necessary to evoke the same amount of pleasure)

* withdrawal symptoms (especially, tremors, anxiety, and moodiness)

* affective disturbances (depression, irritability)

* interruption of social relationships (a decline or loss, either in quality or quantity).

What are the signs, symptoms and patterns of Internet addiction?
At this time, there is no official diagnosis of Internet Addiction Disorder by the American Psychiatric Association, which defines mental health disorders and establishes criteria to be used by mental health professionals. However, since the patterns so closely match those of Pathological Gambling (which was included in the most recent update of the diagnostic manual), many in the addiction field expect Internet Addiction to be added to the next edition. If it is included, it is likely to require that a person meet three or more of criteria such as these during a twelve month period:

* The need for increasing amounts of time on the Internet to achieve satisfaction and/or significantly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on the Internet.

* Use of the Internet as a way of escaping problems or relieving feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety or depression (those with psychological disorders are particularly prone).

* Feelings of restlessness or irritability when attempting to cut down or stop Internet use.

* Lying to family members or friends to conceal the extent of involvement with the Internet.

* Giving up or reducing important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of Internet use.

* Risking the loss of a significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunity because of excessive use of the Internet.

* Two or more withdrawal symptoms developing within days to one month after
reduction or cessation of Internet use (i.e., quitting cold turkey), which cause distress or impair social, personal or occupational functioning, including: tremors, anxiety, and voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers.

* Use of the Internet to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.

What causes or precipitates Internet addiction?
While it may appear that addictions are pleasure-seeking behaviors, the roots of any addiction can usually be traced to a wish to suppress or avoid some kind of emotional pain. Addiction is a way to escape from reality, from something that is either too full of sadness (such as an abusive relationship) or too devoid of joy (an emotionally empty life). Emotional trauma in early life may be at the source of many addictions.

Internet addiction offers a fantasy world in which there are endless people who appear to be interesting to - and interested in - the person. Young, sexually inexperienced people, especially males, may find it easier to engage in Internet “relationships” than risk the face-to-face rejection of a real person. As the addict becomes more immersed in this shadow world, denial takes hold and he or she comes to view these these “friends” and “partners” as more real than the actual spouse or family.

What is cybersex addiction?
Until recently, men dominated the overall use of the Net but women are now online more than men. Both men and women use the Internet for "cybering" (cybersex). Cybersex is defined as the consensual sexual discussion online for the purpose of achieving arousal or an orgasm.

In addition to viewing and/or downloading pornography along with masturbation, Dr. Jennifer Schneider says that cybersex activities also include:

* reading and writing sexually explicit letters and stories

* visiting sexually oriented chat rooms

* placing ads to meet sexual partners

* e-mailing to meet and attract a potential cybersex/cyber-romance partner; set up personal meetings with someone

* engaging in interactive online affairs sometimes using electronic cameras for real-time viewing of each other

While some people will eventually move away from the Internet back to the real world, others will escalate their involvement, arranging meetings with online contacts for in-person sex. For some, this increased danger in real life grows out of viewing dangerous content online, what Dr. Michael Conner calls “danger downloading.” Often, their cyber screen names reflect this view toward risky or c behavior.

What are the effects of Internet addiction?
Like most addictions, Internet addiction disrupts relationships with family and friends and tends to replace education and other positive activities. A spouse or partner who discovers this behavior usually feels “cheated on,” as real a betrayal as any infidelity, and one that can lead to a break-up. In addition, Internet addiction creates risks and losses in the workplace. For example:

* Nearly 55% of workers exchange potentially offensive messages at least once a month (PC Week).

* Personal e-mails – 47% of employees send up to 5 per day, 32% send up to 10 daily, and 28% receive up to 20 per day (Vault.com).

* Almost one in five people go to cybersex sites while at work (MSNBC poll, June '98).

* 68% of companies characterize messaging misdemeanors as widespread, with losses estimated at $3.7 million per company a year (Datamation).

* Recently a major US computer manufacturer installed monitoring software and discovered that a number of employees had visited more then 1,000 sexually oriented sites in less than a month. Twenty people were fired for misusing company resources (USA Today).

Can you break addiction to the Internet?
Treatment for people who have been diagnosed with Internet addiction is very hard to find:

* Not all psychologists or physicians acknowledge that the disorder is real.

* Many psychologists do not know how to diagnose, treat, and follow-up for these patients.

Spouses or other family members who become aware of the addiction may try to intervene.

Just as an alcoholic’s spouse or child may pour contents of bottles down the drain, the Internet addict’s family may try to monitor computer use, put blocks on chat rooms, or make frequent calls to the person to interrupt computer activity. While these interventions may have brief effect, the only lasting change will occur when the addict fully realizes the costs being paid for his or her behavior: loss of family, job, money, status, reputation, etc.

Treatment alternatives include:

* 12-step group programs to help participants gradually reduce the addictive behavior

* other methods analogous to the treatment of alcohol or drug addictions

* psychotherapy with an addiction specialist

* professional counselors offering chat and telephone counseling at reasonable rates to provide immediate assistance for individuals, partners, and parents in crisis

* clinics specializing in treatment of computer/Internet addiction, such as those at Proctor Hospital in Peoria, IL and at Harvard Medical School’s McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA.



SEX ADDICTION (the underlying problem with some Cyberpaths)

1. WHAT IS SEX ADDICTION?
Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior/fantasy or they may have a binge of sexual behaviors.

2. WHY DO PEOPLE BECOME SEXUALLY ADDICTED?
This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict.

The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain.

Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance, the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs.

Spiritually, a person is filling up the hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present. Then there is the sex addict who can be two or even three of the above reasons. This is why a specialist in sex addiction is the best route for recovery with sex addiction.

3. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX ADDICTION AND A HIGH SEX DRIVE?
I have heard this question on almost every national talk show or radio show I have been on over the years. A person with a high sex drive is satisfied with sex. It's not about a fix for something; when their partner says "NO" it doesn't make them go off the handle thinking their partner is totally rejecting them and have to leave the house or act out in some other way. If you can relate to this the chances are there may be an addiction issue. You may benefit from any of the following books or tapes:

4. CAN YOU BE ADDICTED TO MASTURBATION?
Yes, this is by far the most common sex addiction that I have treated in working with sex addiction. This usually is the first sexual behavior many of us will have on a repeated basis. This is usually where the sexual compulsion starts with sex addicts and this behavior, regardless of other acquired behaviors, usually stays active.

5. WHAT ROLE DOES PORNOGRAPHY PLAY IN SEX ADDICTION?
Pornography for many sex addicts combined with regular masturbation is the cornerstone for most sex addicts. Many sex addicts have great difficulty getting sober from this combination of behavior. The pornography with fantasy creates an unreal world that the sex addict visits throughout their adolescence and other developmental stages and creates an object relationship that conditions their emotional and sexual self to depend upon these objects and fantasies to meet their emotional and sexual needs hundreds of times before having sex with a real person.

6. CAN SOMEONE BE A SEX ADDICT AND NOT BE SEXUAL WITH THEIR SPOUSE OR COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP?
YES! In this stage of sex addiction, the addict prefers the fantasy world and fantasy sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse or partner. The addict avoids relational sex and hence this couple has sex infrequently.

SCAM ARTISTS TARGET THE ONLINE DATING MARKET

(HAMPTON FALLS, N.H.) Police here are investigating complaints of online dating fraud.

Police Chief Robbie Dirsa said scam artists stole thousands of dollars from two women who thought they had a romantic relationship.

Dirsa said one woman met a man online in 2002 through Yahoo Personals. He said she loaned him $109,000 over the course of a year for an alleged trucking business.

Dirsa said they went out on a few dates though police aren't sure if the man she dated is the same person she met online. He didn't repay the money and the woman hasn't heard from him.

This spring, another woman began e-mailing a man she met through an online dating service. She never met him in person. He told her he was an American citizen working in Nigeria. He asked for money and she sent him $10,000.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

Be careful of what you find on the Internet!!!

ALEXANDRIA, Va. (AP, 1997) - Margaret Anne Hunter had been a bride four months before she discovered just how big a mistake she had made: Not only was Thorne Wesley Jameson Groves not Mr. Right, he wasn't even a mister.

Thorne Groves - whom Ms. Hunter first met through an America Online "chat room" - was really Holly Anne Groves, a woman who claimed to have AIDS to avoid intimacy in the bedroom and who bound her breasts with elastic bandages because of what she said were chest injuries suffered in a car accident.

Ms. Hunter said that when she confronted Ms. Groves with her suspicions - confirmed, once and for all, by a look at Ms. Groves' passport photo - the woman admitted the deception but gave no explanation.

"He wasn't after my money, because I don't have much," said Ms. Hunter, who still refers to her husband as "he." "I know that what he did was incredibly hurtful and cruel and fiendish. As to why he did it, I don't know. I don't think Thorne knows, either."

Ms. Hunter is seeking an annulment. She also filed a $575,000 fraud suit against her husband to recover, among other things, the cost of the lavish wedding her parents put on last spring.

"I was not the only one deceived. My parents, my friends, all the guests at the wedding. We all feel taken," she said.

Ms. Groves' mother, Janis Groves, called the lawsuit "lies" but said neither she nor her daughter had any further comment.

No criminal charges have been filed.

Ms. Hunter, 24, and Ms. Groves, 26, met online in 1995. Ms. Hunter said Ms. Groves used the name Thorne Groves and described herself as a man versed in travel, foreign languages and other interests Ms. Hunter shared. Lengthy daily e-mail became daily telephone calls and then a rendezvous in New Mexico.

By the time they met, Ms. Hunter said, she was already in love.

After investing so much time getting to know someone online, she said, "you have no real reason to question whether what they are telling you is true. You certainly have no reason to question their gender."

Her lawyer, Seth Guggenheim, put it this way: "If you met someone in a bar and he said he had a Jaguar and you go outside and there's no Jaguar, you might be suspicious. That cannot happen online."

In the wedding photo, the groom's strapping physique yields no clue that Ms. Groves is a woman.

How could she share a bedroom with Ms. Groves for four months and never discover the truth?

Before they met face to face, Ms. Hunter said, Thorne Groves told her he had AIDS. He proposed a quick marriage because he had only a short time to live. Thorne Groves was so concerned about transmitting AIDS that he restricted intimacy to petting and fondling over his clothes and went so far as to wear a prosthetic penis to further the ruse, according to the lawsuit.

Ms. Hunter never met any of her husband's friends, and no one from his family attended their wedding at a suburban Washington hotel.

A few times during their marriage, mail or telephone messages appeared for Holly Groves, Ms. Hunter said. Thorne Groves said Holly was his twin sister, but Ms. Hunter and her family became suspicious.

"We weren't thinking he was a woman. That wasn't it. We just knew things weren't adding up. Something was wrong, and I couldn't put my finger on it," she said.

By August, the couple had broken up. The marriage had gone sour because of Ms. Groves' refusal to get a job, and she returned to live with her parents in Bryant, Texas.

Eventually, the Hunter family obtained a birth certificate and other records for Holly Anne Groves - including her passport photo.

"I recognized my husband. And then it just all clicked. I finally understood," Ms. Hunter said.

Ms. Groves apparently no longer has an account on America Online. As recently as late November, a Thorne Groves was still active on America Online and using the nickname "KingSicko."

The Associated Press

Sometimes Patience is Needed to End the "Affair"

He/She Won't Stop Communicating with the Other Person: Needs "Patience"

My husband admitted to the affair, but yet he still continues to contact this person and has asked me to be patient. He said he will need to get her "out of his system" and to give him some time. How do you handle that?

My Response:
Ending the relationship with the Other Person is often a gradual process.

For example, in the kind of affair I describe (i.e. I want to be close to someone...which means I can't stand intimacy), ending the affair often takes time. Yes! No! On again! Off again is the scenario.

Affairs also lollygag for those who are "in love"...and just love being "in love" or My Marriage Made me Do it.

So, in particular kinds of affairs, expect a roller coaster ride. You don't have to like it. But be prepared. Breaking off an online affair relationship, as in no more contact, may take weeks.

So, let's assume this is your case. Here are a few things to do:

1. You are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits, but don't make them ultimatums. You don't want to paint yourself into a corner, especially with this kind of affair. Experiment with phrases such as: "This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. And, I know it is difficult for you. But, at some point I will draw a line in the sand."

2. "Get at" the specific issues. Ask, "What does it mean to "get it out of your system?" What are a couple or three things you need to "get it out of your system?" (If he/she is open to this exploration, the prognosis is good.)

3. If he/she is reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. "Is he/she controlling you?" (very often the case). "Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?" "Waffling like this seems to be theme in your life?" "Are you afraid to face the hurt? Are you afraid to lose something?" Allow your voice to trail at the end. Do not be dogmatic. Open the door for discussion.

4. See this as his/her problem. (I know! I know! Easier said than done!) Define your standards. Get your personal needs met. Begin to design the future for you. And tell him/her, "I would like to make it with you, but if not, I will certainly create something wonderful for me."

5. Notice the changes in your relationship. Do you see a movement toward what you really want? Are patterns changing? Is there more effective, in-depth, heart-felt communication? Or are you blaming and shaming them? Sometimes the larger picture is comforting.

6. Surround yourself with people who accept and listen to you. Friends/family often blurt out: Get rid of the #$%#$! They fail to understand the complexity and long-term process.

Remember, affairs are exceedingly complex and don't go away easily. You will never forget, although the pain and memories fade over time. As well, it takes, on the average, 2-4 years for most couples to work through effectively the trauma, if ever.

HIG TECH INFIDELITY

INTERNET, CELL PHONES MAKE IT EASIER TO FIND
AND MAINTAIN ILLICIT AFFAIRS

By Mark de la Vina -- Mercury News

Call it crazy, paranoid or cynical, but the next time you peruse the personals on Craigslist or scan profiles on MySpace, consider this: There's a good chance you just ran into a cheater.

Just as purchasing concert tickets or checking baseball scores has become as simple as logging onto a computer, infidelity is a simple keystroke away.

Cheating is on the rise because technology eases the search to find a willing partner, according to therapists, researchers and relationship experts. The unfaithful no longer have to scour bars or cultivate workplace relationships. Cheating has increased along with the growing use of text messaging and cell phones, chat rooms and online dating sites, some exclusively targeting the polygamous.

"The Internet has greatly removed the barriers,'' says Ruth Houston, founder of Infidelityadvice.com and author of "Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs'' . "If you are a married person who wants to cheat, you can now go online and maintain an affair even while your spouse is in the room. Everything has changed.''

Jill, 45, an elementary school teacher from Mountain View who asked that her last name not be used, learned of her partner's infidelity when she came across his open e-mail account, which he had failed to log off on their home computer. She was shocked to read that he had done "everything from soliciting hookers to making dates with others'' via the Internet, she says. "I saw that he does this all day at work. I even posed as someone he had been conversing with, and he e-mailed me 30 times in one day!''

When Jill revealed her identity, he downplayed his online trawling, which "ruined our romance,'' she says.

No reliable figures exist on the increase in cheaters who use technology, but computer forensics expert John Lucich says the rise is undeniable. The president of Network Security Group, a firm in Union, N.J., hired for computer-related legal issues, says that 95 percent of the cases his company handles involve men and women who set up secret e-mail accounts for the purpose of cheating.

Online dating sites play a key role in connecting people searching for extracurricular activities. While mainstream services such as Match.com and Yahoo Personals ban married people from posting profiles, the dating sites can't stop users from lying. Other companies are happy to pick up the slack.

Private Affairs an online dating site based in Toronto, targets users looking for what it calls EMRs, or extramarital relationships. Another service, Ashley Madison Agency, boasts 1.03 million members in the United States, Canada and the United Kingdom. With its tag line "when monogamy becomes monotony,'' the company, also founded in Toronto, has seen its membership double annually, says operations director and founder Darren Morgenstern.

"We're finding that it's just not going away,'' he says. "People are looking at the plausibility of using the Internet to have an affair, and it just works for them.''

Once the connection is made, technology also helps the affair to thrive. Cell phones and PDAs give cheaters the chance to communicate privately and coordinate with their side dish.

Caryn, 37, a West Valley College student from Morgan Hill, knows this all too well. Like many wired people in Silicon Valley, she used to contact a former boyfriend almost exclusively on his cell phone.

"After several months, I found out he was married,'' says Caryn, who also asked that her last name not be used. "Much later, he even informed me that on several occasions I had even paged him during his marriage counseling sessions.''

Statistics on cheating vary widely because of the way pollsters word questions, says InfidelityAdvice.com's Houston. The data also is muddied by dishonest responses. And as people debate the definition of sex, they similarly debate the definition of cheating.

Sexologist Shere Hite in 1988 shocked Americans when she reported that up to 70 percent of women married five or more years have sex outside of marriage. Other surveys have concluded that anywhere from 38 million to 53 million men in the United States have cheated on their wives at least once, Houston says.

But such "studies,'' as well as research reported in popular magazines and advice columns, often inflate figures, according to Tom W. Smith of the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. His 2004 study, "American Sexual Behavior,'' which polled more than 10,000 people over 22 years, found that 22 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women have cheated at least once.

Technology has helped the cause, prompting the curious to make the jump from fantasy to philandering, says Brian Person, a marriage and family therapist in Los Altos.

"Some people, given the proper social boundaries, would be less likely to cheat than they are now,'' he says.

Network Security Group's Lucich is convinced that the rise in advertising and e-mail spam that hype cheating sites entice people to cross those boundaries, he says.

"I truly believe that there are people out there who have not thought about infidelity and then get spam messages or hear about online cheating and dating sites on the radio,'' says Lucich, whose book "Cyber Lies'' details how to easily check a partner's cell phone or computer to discover if he or she is cheating. "In a weak moment, they say, 'Let's just take a peek.' Then they start going further and further, and the next thing you know, they're cheating.''

There is some small consolation in the rise of high-tech infidelity, Houston says, because cheaters are often unaware that they have left evidence of their affairs on their PCs or cell phones. E-mails are reportedly how Christie Brinkley found out her spouse was cheating on her with a local teenager.

"There are programs you can put onto a computer so you can see everything your mate is doing online,'' Houston says. "You can even put a GPS device in your mate's car to find out where they are going. It might be easier to cheat, but it's also a lot easier to get caught.''

mdelavina@mercurynews.com